Hospital

I had been looking forward to the Hospital tour for a while and finally booking into the hospital that Bobim will be delivered in (if all goes according to plan). Altogether there were 4 couples, including Tim and I.

I must admit that I was a bit envious with the other ladies as you could definitely tell that they were pregnant, the baby bumps were visible. Unfortunately as I’m already over weight I don’t even know if you will ever be able to tell that I’m pregnant. But I’m ok with that and have accepted that this maybe the case.

We walked into the birthing suit and it was huge, your eyes are struck but the big double bed in the middle of the room, with a big TV on the wall and chairs scattered around the place, a baby bassinette thingy that is used when it is born. Then we took a look at the bathroom and which was also big, actually bigger than the one I have at home. It looked like we had entered a 5 Star Hotel suit rather than a Birthing room.

This particular hospital has 3 birth rooms with the same set up, the one we were ushered into was the biggest, and we were told that the other 2 were smaller. Tim looks at me and says smaller, this one is bigger than our bedroom at home. The rooms that you stay in after the birth were equally as big and impressive.

The hardest part of the visit was seeing the nursery; there was this tiny little girl just near the window under the UV light as she had a small bout of jaundice. It was also good to see a Midwife helping a new mum bath her baby. My grip on Tim’s hand tightens and he looked at me (in Hungarian) I told him that this room was the hardest to see, because I want one (a baby) so much that I felt like sobbing …fucking hormones!

The last part of our tour was sitting down one on one with the Midwife where we discussed all sorts of things, from the birth to the pre-preparation classes to taking my Medical History. I felt so comfortable in her presence and felt reassured that we would be very well looked after. The hospital is a small private one and averages 30 babies a month, so at any given time the average number of mothers there are about 5 per week and there are more than enough Midwifes to give you the care you need. When we visited there were 13 new mums there, which was apparently a very rare occurrence.

I’ve booked into 8 pre-preparation classes, two with a Physio that I have to pay for and the rest with the Midwives from the hospital. I also received a bag of goodies, brochures, sample products and magazines, I spent a good deal of time yesterday devouring all the information. I felt like a kid in a lolly shop.

The whole hospital tour experience has left me with a great sense of awe that sometime in August I will be meeting my very own baby and more than anything I felt blessed that I’ve been granted this little miracle.

The Room

The other weekend Ellie was staying here to help me. Well actually it was that I was helping her and she was helping me. I had a mini reunion with some High School friends and Tim had gone Water skiing. Plus I didn’t like the thought of being left pregnant and on my own, weird I know but that is how I felt at the time.

About 2 months ago we saw a great deal on a wooden change table for $140.00, we had been looking around and had not seen one that cheap. We kept it in it’s box for a while, I think that we just couldn’t be bother putting it together.

I often go and sit in ‘The Room’ that will one day be converted into Bobim’s room and just day dream and wonder what it will all be like when she/he finally arrives.

Other than the ‘Chest of dreams’ filled with baby clothes ‘The Room’ felt bear and so Ellie and I decided that we would put the change table together. How hard could it be right?

Hmmmpph after about 2 hours we finally got it right and wheeled it into it’s designated place in ‘The Room’, and filled the shelves with all the nappies and baby towels that I had accumulated over the years. ‘The Room’ started feeling like we were waiting for a Baby to arrive.
There is still much to be done and much to buy but I thought that I would show you what ‘The Room’ looks like today.






We still need to:
* Clean the carpets,
* Remove the single bed
* Wash and paint the walls
* Move the chest of draws into ‘The Room’
* Buy and set up the cot
* Move the Ironing table and Christmas Tree
* Clean out the Closet.

Beep breaths Mari and small steps…you have plenty of time!

Holy shit there is so much to do.

Family stuff

Ellie has been spending a great deal of time with me recently, mostly because she is my personal slave. It is always good to have someone that worships the ground that I walk on. Hehe if she were to read this I would be smacked.

Ellie and Tina are not really getting along at the moment and because I have a fucked sister that cares more about her bullshit work and fucking carrer than she does about her kids, Ellie turns to me.

My house has become her haven, which suits me just fine, I have an extra spare of hands and she doesn’t mind being dragged to baby shops, not like Tim who is a bit bored by them now. “Why look when we are not ready to buy” is his motto, obviously he doesn’t get the whole shopping thing.

My sister while continues to promise her girls “As God is my witness I will never drink again”. Cannot keep away from her good old friend Al (alcohol). My BIL is of no help what so ever, if people come over for a dinner party it is apparently a tradition to offer spirits to the guests when they arrive.

So when you arrive, there on the coffee table are about 5 different spirit bottles present, from vodka to baileys, now I guess that for someone that can’t seem to control their drinking having a wide selection of alcohol readily available…at your finger tips doesn’t help.

It is also apparently a tradition to offer wine with your meal, so when BIL asks what everyone would like to drink, my SIS pipes up on the top of her voice “F am I allowed a glass of wine?”. Being a very private person my BIL doesn’t like people to know that they have problems in the house, so he hides it and gets her one. So she is back to square one. Instead of drinking one glass she goes onto finishing the bottle.

I don’t speak to my sister much when she has been drinking as I just can’t handle the same stupid fucking questions being asked and the verbal bullshit that comes out of her mouth. It is obvious to everyone that sits at these dinner parties that she has a problem and I know that there is nothing that can be done until it is admitted. But how many phones does it take saying “I can’t stop drinking, I’m not happy” (and there have been many) for my sister to realise that this is a big problem.

On Saturday it was Tina’s birthday and she was up to her old tricks and honestly I felt like I was conspiring to murder cause I didn’t say anything. Both Tina and Ellie have to say to their mother, “No more drinks, you have had too much”. Tina just turned 13, when this is said in front of people they are reprimanded after the event for spilling “Family issues infront of people”. The people that are present at these times are that Family, Tim and I and BIL parents, yet BIL continues to sweep things under a rug.

I personally don’t know what to do, I can’t fix things but I no longer want to be apart of the charade. Plus I feel that Ellie and Tina need me, do I continue to turn a blind eye? Do I ask before I go if alcohol is being served and if yes then refuse to go?

People in the PC, what would you do in my shoes?

A new addition

I can’t believe that I haven’t told you all about the new addition to our family. My SIL gave birth to a baby boy on the 10th of Feb. Yes it was that long ago and totally slipped my mind.

I suppose that this blog is more about my TTC and Pregnancy journey, rather than documenting details about my life and family. I wonder if this is so bad a thing?

Baby Damoan was a little early but apparently a big boy, measuring 51cm and weighing 3.5kg. But holding him if felt and looked so very tiny and cute.

It broke my heart seeing Tim hold is new nephew as the look of awe on his face just cut deep and even though we know Bobim is with us, he/she still seems so far away. It was very obvious the he was uncomfortable and uncoordinated and never really held a new born before.

My SIL looked so very happy and relaxed when we saw her in the hospital, it was good to see her like that, I did feel outside my comfort zone and was so very nervous about meeting the little one. She was happy to see us and loved the small gift we bought her.

During the visit I finally found out that little Damoan was an accident and not planned at all, I didn’t have the heart to ask her before hand if they had been trying as the knowledge would’ve cut too deeply.

13w1day

At precisely this time, they hit. I had never really felt so out of control before. Up until now they never really worked for me, I needed drugs to help me ‘mimic’ what they should’ve been doing before my Bobim was conceived and stuck around.

What are they…….fucking hormones.

To those that work with me, here are a few hints and tips to survive this phase of my pregnancy:
1) When I come into work and am not the usual bright ‘Good morning’ person this is a sign to say hello and move on.
2) If I’m sitting at my desk and have ear phones in listening to music it is a sure sign that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE!
3) If I have warned you that I’m not feeling well, it is code to keep away.
4) Sarcastic comments are under no circumstances welcome.
5) If I’m grumpy, please understand that it is not personal and does not require you to be snooty with me.
6) Oh and if I run off balling my eyes out, it is not a sign to start gossiping about me.
7) Most important of all, do not try and ask me how I am, after an outburst because there is nothing that I can do to control what is happening and no way of knowing how I may react to that question. I could be Bitch queen, or you may have set off a free flowing river that will not stop. But mainly I will feel embarrassed and no one likes to be reminded of an embarrassing situation.

This week at work did not go so well, I’ve never been a sooky lah lah but on Thursday I was and more than anything I’m embarrassed that I balled my eyes out at work over something so not important. Maybe I should email my work mates with the rules above it will save me and them from the rathe that is known as Mari.

My Valentines Day

On Valentines day 2006 was not filled with beautiful red roses, nor sweet delicious chocolate, nor did I receive a card filled with words of love from my husband or a little fluffy present showing how cherished I am.

But my Valentines day 2006 was the best I’ve ever had…..I saw my Bobim, she/he is one active little baby. It was the greatest wonder in the world see him/her waving its arms and moving around. My little Bobim was too shy to show me his/her face but I got a good look at her/his ear.

After seeing Bobim I was on such a high, that I went straight out and bought something for ‘the’ room.

I also received the news that I was so nervous about. I was told that as I walked in the door for the Downs ultrasound I had a 1:600 chance of Bobim having Downs Syndrome, however the combination of my Blood / Urine tests our chance went to 1:6030.

When I got off the phone I sobbed, I was so very scared of the potential bridge that we may have had to cross.

The only negative was that I did feel quite alone before going off to the scan. Tim couldn’t (or wouldn’t) take time off from work, which honestly really pissed me off. That night I told him that I did feel quite alone and felt that his work (which is just a fucking casual job) felt more important than seeing Bobim. I have given him enough warning that next time there is no excuse he is to come with me. I also mentioned in a nice way that he has misplaced loyalties when it comes to that job, as tomorrow they may turn around and say “You’re the weakest link….Goodbye”.

Telling

Being 12 weeks today I'm silently screaming my head of in relief. Trying not to get too excited about Bobim but it is hard. A hurdle has been achieved today, how can I not be ecstatic?

I've slowly told people at work about Bobim, mainly those in my project team so that they understood what was happening with me. But I feel that maybe now I can tell the wider audience, but how do I go about doing this?

Let it spread naturally? By telling some big mouths?

I had a meeting this morning and almost blurted it out there at the end when a guy asked me what is news….maybe next time he asks I will tell him.

For me the words sound so strange coming from my mouth “I’m pregnant”. My mind reels and starts going into denial, “No your not, you just wish you were”.

Next milestone is seeing my Bobim in an ultrasound on the 14th Feb.

Movement

I had some movement....I never thought that I would be happy to have movement!!!

What a relief, well a little anyway!

Updated to say - I didn't mean Baby movement I meant another type of movement that requires a toilet...hehehe.

Low GI

I forgot to mention that I finally met with the Dietician the other week. I was referred to her to help maintain or even lose weight whilst pregnant and reduce the risk of gestational diabetes.

Whilst it was good listening to what she had to say about the Glycemic Index, it was so in your face obvious that she had no clue when it came to pregnancy. She recommended that I go on a Low GI diet, which just screamed FAD FAD FAD diet, but had some truth to it, low sugar levels means lower risk of the diabetes.

We discussed my problems with cooking dinner, cause I told her honestly that for me that is the most difficult meal of the day, by the time I get home from work, I’m 1) so hungry that take away is to much easier and 2) who wants to start cooking a lavish meal.

Some of the alternatives that she offered were very useful, like make Jacket potatoes, salads, kebabs and grilled meats. Then she went on to mention packet meals, you know the ones like Beef stroganoff where the sauce is in a powder form. I sat there staring at her wondering if she understood what preservatives meant…how can she be a professional dietician recommending 2-minute noodles as a meal alternative?

Needless to say I will not be seeing her again, I will simply go back on the Sure Slim diet that was Low GI and work on making sure that I eat fresh healthy food.

Holidays and regularity

Our holiday was perfect, the weather, the accommodation and the company were all perfect. The room had a gorgeous view of the lake photo’s to follow.

I have learnt that while other pregnant women can travel and holiday with the best of them…I can’t, well I can but it is not that nice. Being tired and grumpy in the afternoon’s are not a good thing.

I mentioned before that I wasn’t really enjoying this pregnancy and I don’t know why I thought that I would. Whilst the morning sickness has passed…yay!!! Another uncomfortable pregnancy symptom has surfaced, the question of regularity has been brought to light and while I may joke around with Tim, I’m now way comfortable. “I’m literally full of shit and not happy about it”.

I’ve never had this problem before, all my adult life I’ve had to deal with the other end of the spectrum not this one and for me to go by a day with out any type of movement is unheard of. But oh the joys of pregnancy it has now been 5 days….and counting…..I’m in so much pain it is getting hard to walk around and eat.

I spoke with the OB nurse and have got some good advice so I will give that ago now.

Did I mention that I’m not really enjoying this pregnancy?
I hate to complain about it…as I’m grateful for the possibility of meeting this Bobim that is growing inside me.

Off and away

Tim and I are off on a mini break to Yarrawonga which is north of Melbourne near the border of Victoria and New South Wales.

Friday marks our 10th Wedding Anniversary and we thought that it being a Big milestone that we take time off work and get away.

I'm busy packing and cleaning the house getting ready to hit the road, we are both so very excited and looking forward to the trip. Will post photo's and let you know all about it when we get back.

Bubbles and Popcorn

Being a self confessed Geek; I can’t help but LOVE technology. I love the fact that I can send someone a text (SMS) message and they instantly get it not matter where they are in the world. LOVE IT!!! I love receiving texts as well as it means that the person was thinking about you right at that point and in the instant you know that you were on their mind.

I especially love it because it is the cheapest way I can keep in touch with my relatives in Hungary. All of them have mobiles, but most don’t have access to email so a simple text is the best thing ever invented I think anyway.

The other morning I received a Text from my cousin who has an 8-month-old daughter, generally asking how I was and how the pregnancy was going. She also went on to explain that if I have a feeling of bubbles or popcorn in my belly then it is already the baby.

I automatically assumed that she was getting ahead in time and it would be way to early to feel Bobim…surely.

I must’ve had an odd look on my face last night as Tim ran over and asked me what was so amusing and why was my smile getting bigger and bigger. To my utter surprise I had a big popcorn production in my belly last night and on the way to work this morning.

But I wonder if it is just I WANTING to feel something, or can you actually start feeling something this early, tomorrow being 11 weeks?

Right now I choose to believe that I can feel my Bobim popping corn in my belly.

“Pop away little one, Mummy can feel that you are there and she is loving it!!”

Filled with questions

I woke this morning filled with all sorts of questions surrounding Bobim and I hope that I’ve remembered them all:

* When do I start cleaning up Bobim’s room?

* When should I start buying baby furniture?

* What kinds of things do I need for the baby, bassinet, cot, change table…what else?

* Cloth versus disposable nappies? When I first started TTC every few months or so I would order 2 cloth fitted nappies, but now there are so many different varieties and such that I don’t know what to do. MIL and my Mum suggest that I go with disposables; part of me doesn’t like that idea as a full time thing.

* When should we paint Bobim’s room?

* Am I even allowed to pain? MIL and Mum say that I can’t lift things does the same thing apply to paint fumes?

Shit I’m just over 10 weeks and already stressing about the room and there not being enough time. It has been an awful summer here the last couple of weeks, dry heat I can handle but the humid sticky as all fuck heat is not wanted here. 2 weeks, yes that’s right 2 weeks of blistering bullshit heat with no relief in sight and it virtually means that you can’t do anything.

Running around to baby stores is out of the question; well it is not out of the question but who can be bothered leaving the relatively cool house to go drive all over town. I for one have barely ventured out of the house on the weekends as I’m just trying to keep cool.

More mutterings

I have started doing more exercise, my MIL translated from Hungarian says to Tim “Make sure Mari walks more as it will help her with child birth”. I have tole my MIL that I had planned on swimming her response was “Good, good, swimming will help too”.

So Tim and I went for an hour walk and our little Ruppy dog whom loved it, and as the weather has been hot I haven’t had the energy to bear the heat and walk again, hopefully if it cools down a little it will be a daily thing. I’ve also started swimming again, all in the attempts to try to lose weight whilst pregnant.

Speaking of the weight thing I went to see the Dietician on Monday and she wasn’t there so have had to reschedule the meeting for next Monday. I’m a bit sceptical about what she will be able to tell me that I haven’t heard before. Eat healthy blah blah blah, no fried foods, blah, low fat everything blah blah. I might even say to her, “Been there done that, what else do you have up your sleeve?”

Am I allowed to complain?

I haven’t posted in a while, why? Well I’m scared as I don’t want to be hated by other readers of this blog and I don’t want to come across as ungrateful that I’m finally 10 weeks pregnant. The gratefulness that I feel down to my toes is hard to explain, I can’t believe how much I love my little Bobim who is only 3cm or so in length.

I just wish that I wasn’t having such a hard time of it all, the morning sickness comes back with a vengeance if I don’t take Maxalon and even though it is a pregnant friendly drug, I really don’t want to rely on them.

Tiredness is an understatement of the year, I have felt tired in my life before but up until now I may not have really grasped the meaning. I find myself having naps on the weekends and part of me is already planing on a nap tomorrow (Australia Day). I normally can’t sleep during the day but this has all changed, I can sleep in the midst of a 40-degree (Celsius) day with the curtains open.

I’m no longer able to read on the train, I attempt to but every day it is the same thing and that is I end up closing my eyes because I can’t keep them open.

I feel awful complaining about it all, but I also feel very fucking cheated that not only was I lumped with PCOS and fertility issues but also when I did fall pregnant it is not a breeze. Why the fuck did I assume that it would be a breeze? I don’t know but part of me did.

My only consolation is that the worse I feel the more I know Bobim is sticking around and hanging in there, even though I can’t feel anything.

Odds are

Yesterday was my first appointment with the OB/GYN and I’m so very thankful for having been recommended such a caring doctor. I didn’t have to ask for another u/s as he stated within the first 5 minutes of being there that I could ask all my questions and then pop next door to do the scan.

My questions in the end seemed irrelevant but I’m glad that he humoured me with listening to them and answering them. I’ve been referred to a dietician to help try to loose weight whilst pregnant. I’ve never been to see one and really don’t know how much she will be able to help.

My mother came with me yesterday, as Tim had to stay home for the Fridge repairman, my mother was so very excited about seeing the little one, I had both an internal and external u/s. The heart rate this time around was 171, which is normal for 9 weeks; length was 2.5cm, which again is very normal. The amniotic fluid was normal and he could see that the placenta had started growing the yoke was still present.

After the scan these words were issued out of his mouth “You have a 1:100th chance of this pregnancy ending in a miscarriage”. Part of me was relieved to hear the odds but I’ve never really been one to believe in odds that are spewed from people’s mouths.

The worse part was left to the end of the visit, here in Australia pregnant women have the choice of going through a Public Hospital as a Public patient where the Government (Medicare) pays for everything, the down side to this is you really have no choice about which Dr you see. Or you could be a Private Patient in the public system, which means that if your Dr delivers there then you are ok. The Last option is going to a Private Hospital as a Private patient, which means that you may be out of pocket, depending on the insurance cover you posses.

Well for me I have no choice out of the 4 Hospitals closets to my home, 2 being Private and 2 public I am only able to go to St John of God Private hospital, the reason I have no choice? No it is not because the OB doesn’t deliver at all hospitals it is simply because my BMI (body mass index) is too high. 3 Hospitals have a BMI policy of 35 or less and I’m over that, way over that. I did not know about this and felt really dirty and huge. Dr Germany was kind enough to call and check with the hospital to ensure that it was ok for me to go there, whilst I was in the room. Otherwise my last choice would’ve been going to a Public Hospital, which is about 30km away and have someone else deliver this baby and I would possibly be “out of pocket” $2500.00AU!!!!

The last piece of bad news was that I have a higher risk of gestational diabetes due me weight and PCOS, part of me sort of new this but didn’t really understand what it means. Will have to do search on how to best look after myself. But I bet, that reduced stress levels is what is called for and my work situation has not changed, I have now sent a four email to this bastard, asking if the matter of me being taken off the supervisory role is closer to a resolution, I will keep you all posted.

Here is a list of new dates (I’m sure that I have forgotten a few):
- 27th January 2006 – Blood Tests
- 6th February 2006 = 12 weeks
- 14th February 2006 = Next Scan
- 25th February 2006 = Tour of the Hospital
- 6th March 2006 = Next OB/GYN appointment

What I’ve learnt

1) Before washing your gorgeous little cat because you think that she stinks of cat piss or something else, check around the house for the actual smell and don’t automatically assume that it is the little thing lying on top of you.

Yes I washed my cat instead of checking where the bad smell was coming from and about 3 hours later almost washed my other cat because I smelt it again. When in fact it was then Chux washcloth that had gone off. Poor cat, well at least she is clean!

2) If too hot to sleep at night, walk around the house a number of times whilst eating water crackers (to take the edge off the hunger), and drinking cold lemon cordial. If sleep still evades you, then sleep with only a quilt sheet cover on the bottom half of body whilst top half is covered with the actual quilt.

3) Write everything down that you intend on doing for that day (hour even) and follow the list as though your life depends on it. If you find yourself distracted easily, refer back to the list. Actually it is preferable that you hang this list around you neck as otherwise you will be making breakfast 3 times before you get to eat warm toast. Start on task and complete it before moving on. Your abilities to multitask may have diminished.

4) If whilst you are chewing and you can’t finish off the mouth full as you have the urged to vomit every where, take this as a sign that you are now finished with the meal. Do not attempt to finish the meal off as you will be physically unable to and you may require the use of a toilet.

5) If your nausea is causing you much discomfort and you are now unable to withstand the smells associated with Public transport travelling, carry with you a small size tub of Vicks vapour-rub, and dab a small amount under your nose and even in the nostril.

6) The necessity to relieve ones bowels may not be a daily occurrence, this is not a cause for panic that requires a doctor’s visit.

Glowing

Is there such a thing as glowing when pregnant? I’ve never really seen it, but then again like other infertiles, I used to keep right away from Pregnant women.

I let someone know yesterday at work that I was pregnant and here is the conversation:

Me: “Just so you know, I’m pregnant”

B: “Yeah I already knew”

Me: “What who told you?, How did you find out? Did H let you know?”

B: “No I knew awhile ago, you’ve been glowing, I noticed just before Christmas, I don’t know but for some reason pregnant women seem to glow and I knew that S was pregnant before she even did a test because she too was glowing.”

In my head: “Glowing me…hmmmpphhh that’s bullshit”

But is it really that….bullshit….do women glow when they are pregnant?

Work Vent

I’m having some difficulty with my job, without going into too much detail my Manager seems to be in denial about the fact that YES I AM PREGNANT. I have requested next Tuesday off as Annual Leave and for my Wedding Anniversary in Feb I have asked for 3 days. I have more than enough Leave owing to me. But for some reason he won’t approve the leave, being too worried about the work ahead.

This weekend I started suffering the great side of being pregnant, riding (or rather driving) the porcelain bus. Having my head down the toilet bowl so to speak, all the while smiling away. I travel about an hour to work each way and couldn’t predict when I would need to visit the bus again. So I didn’t go to work on Monday or Tuesday.

Maxalon is now my friend and I don’t leave home without it in my bag. So I have been coping well with the morning sickness, nausea I can handle vomiting anytime of the day is difficult to schedule in. Yesterday morning I approached my Manager to ask for a status update on my Annual Leave request and was taken into a meeting room where I was asked to provide an estimate of the work effort I will be committing to over my pregnancy. In other words I was asked to predict if I would be at work for a full 5 days or should he estimate me being here for only part of the week.

Needless to say I was very upset by all this conversation and expressed my outrage of how I was being treated. When I told my Manager about Bobim I did mention (now on a number of occasions) that I wanted to be removed from the Supervisor role, but continue working on the project. He doesn’t like that idea and refuses to discuss this topic.

Instead I’ve been asked to take on additional responsibilities rather than lighten my load and unfortunately even though I would love to quit, I can’t as Tim is still on working on a casual basis, and we need the money I earn.

I don’t need this in my life right now and I’m stressed and worried when I should be happy and excited, I just feel used and abused. The one bright light in all this was an email I received from my old department asking for people to go back and work there as they are under resourced for the year.

So my question to you is what would you do in my situation?
Would you apply for the new role even though you know you will not be there for the whole year?
Would you just stick it out?
Or, would you just contact the Human Resource department and get them involved?

There is another pregnant lady in this department and I asked this guy if the same questions on sick leave and annual leave were being asked of her….his response….”This has nothing to do with K”…I said yes it does, unless you are treating me the exact same way, it only illustrates how unfairly I’m being treated.

Just a little bit more real

This is our first picture of our Bobim, the scan went really well everthing is normal! It was so sureal seeing the little flickering of the heart beat and the rate was also normal.

I'm not as far along as I thought, actually all the EDD calculators on the net really just calculated from the first day of your last period which for me was the 8/11/2005, but I know I didn't ovulate until the 28/11/2005.

I have adjusted the ticker above and removed the post about being 8 weeks pregnant.

As the title of this post says, Bobim feels a little more real today than before the scan. Next milestone for me is the OB appointment on the 17th of Jan.

My feet are extremely sore today.

While some infertile’s would be rejoicing with a sigh of relief after receiving positive beta’s and I’m not saying that Tim and I haven’t rejoiced at all. I can’t help feel somewhat extremely cautious.

It feels as though each morning I wake up and I’m on a new square of pavement and it is boiling hot from the sun and has glass, dirt and other sharp bits on it. I see myself looking at my toes and willing them to move a slow shuffling pace. By the end of that day I have only walked one pavement square but it feels like I’ve walked to the moon and back.

I tell myself “Today you are pregnant, be happy relax and enjoy all the attention”, but by mid afternoon all I want to do is go to a very cool and dark corner and just sit holding my tummy protectively, not that I think that this will really protect Bobim from anything but it is a comforting gesture. Actually it was quiet amusing waking up this morning to have both of my arms being wrapt around my tummy.

I can only look forward until Friday, for some reason Friday, for me is one big step along this lonely road. I feel as though once I reach Friday then maybe I can let a little sigh of relief out. Then the next moment I think about the 17th of Jan where I have my first OB appointment after that I will be more relaxed about this pregnancy.

Then I wonder is this what my pregnancy going to be like; living and not breathing until each small milestone is reached?

I don’t feel prepared of this part of the road; maybe I’m just outside my comfort zone, which makes me wonder how did I ever get comfortable on the TTC part of the road? I’m in shock that I’ve just realised that I got nice a comfy in the TTC road…. It had been my life for the past 3 years why wouldn’t you feel comfortable, but by just saying that make my mind reel with obscenities. IT IS NOT RIGHT! I should never have become comfortable there. But I did and now here I am (at work) craving some dark cool corner where I can rock back and forward (like some fucking lunatic) hugging my tummy until Friday is here.

Is it normal to feel like this?

Happy New Year

We had a quiet night last night, I couldn’t stay up until midnight as I had crashed by 10:30pm. I’m glad that we didn’t do anything as I knew that I wouldn’t make it the whole night.

But boy was it bloody hot here! We’ve had the a/c going for the past 48 hours and I’m praying that today we get some relief with a cool change.

I’m looking forward to this year, Tim’s sister is having her baby in Feb, I’m possibly having mine in August, it is our 10 year wedding anniversary this year and I’m turning 30. Much to look forward to, feeling very positive and optimistic about the new year!

To all my cyber blog friends, I wish you all the happiness, love and peace for this New Year and to my infertile friends; I wish that this year be ‘the’ year for you!

This morning

I woke up as I normally do and went to the bathroom, being the paranoid expecting mother that I am I still check for any spotting. Well this morning there was a 5 cent size bright red spot on the toilet paper. So I wiped and checked, wiped and checked (rinse and repeated) until there was no sign left. I think that I may have used the whole toilet roll checking this morning.

Since then I’ve been like a lunatic drink water, or just going to the toilet just to check. There has been NO other spotting or NO cramping. I’ve done absolutely nothing this morning. I did get up and dressed and moved myself onto the couch.

Tim and I are scared shitless, and we have had the same discussion over and over, should I go to the hospital? If I went to the hospital would they do a beta hCG test and would we get the results today? Should I go to my gp?

The occasionally one of us says out loud “I don’t want to loose our Bobim”. I’m trying not to stress, but how the fuck can’t I?

I recently bought a great book as recommended by Bugsy “What to expect when expecting” and it says that unless I have cramping and bleeding then I should just go to the hospital.

If you could just please spare a thought for us and pray that this little bit of blood this morning does not mean the end of our Bobim I would greatly appreciate it!

Bobim

I know that our Bobim is with us, the blood tests and multiple hpt’s have also confirmed it, for some reason part of me doesn’t really believe it. I keep questioning myself, AM I REALLY PREGNANT?

It all just doesn’t feel real and I wonder if this is normal?

Or am I trying to protect myself?

I’m still scared that I will loose Bobim, but that hasn’t stopped us from telling people. Tim and I discussed this at length, over many hours, days even and we both wanted people in our life to acknowledge the fact that Bobim is here with us and if for some reason something does happen, or Bobim will know that it was Loved, Cherished and wanted.

I also feel so out of my depth, Infertility I felt that I was well schooled on the subject. Trying to conceive using assisted reproductive technology was my life, month to month.

But this pregnant business is totally new to me (obviously); I’m reading “Up the Duff”. I was stupid enough to tell Tim the other day that Bobim is the size of a coffee bean. This is how Tim refers to our Baby….Coffee bean!

I’ve resorted to ringing my mother for odd things and asking her, is it normal to feel like you need to pee but nothing comes out?

Is it normal to be this FUCKING forgetful, as I can’t even remember the names of things?

Is it normal for my calf muscles to feel like they are on fire?

I feel as though I almost need to have a crash course on pregnancy which is funny as I’ve been striving to get this far and when I’m here, I’m loosing it and feel totally lost.

Christmas

All I can say is that I’m glad that it is over. I did not have the Christmas spirit this year, even though I found out that Bobim is with us. I just couldn’t get into it.

I didn’t put a Christmas tree up, didn’t send any Christmas cards and when someone said Merry Christmas, I mumbled a half arsed, half heard response.
I can’t blame one thing of my bah-humbug feelings, it just didn’t feel right to celebrate it.

Last week I didn’t work and I had Ellie stay with me, oh the shopping we did…OMG I will never, ever leave Christmas shopping to the last minute again AND I will set a budget and NOT give anyone a choice about what they are going to receive.

If all goes well them nearly everyone will be received a gift of a photo of Bobim.

Tim and I did spend the last two days with our families and it was lovely, nice and low key which was perfect. Almost falling asleep in the afternoon's was quite amusing. I do feel bad for leaving early yesterday but just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I had to drive. I hope that Anyu and Apu understands....

See the ticker?

OK I think that it was high time that I add my ticker to this blog.

Was very nervous about doing this! Shit scared really, but there is nothing I can do to change what ever will happen in the future and I have to live for NOW, and right now I am Pregnant!

Second Beta

I’ve been stressing since 2pm as I called Dr New’s office for my results and was kept waiting. I ended up calling about 3 times looking for my results. Anyway here they are:
- e2 = 1663
- p4 = 46.8
- beta hCG = 1230

I’m a little worried about the p4 level, should I be?

Needing some reassurance…

Meeting with Dr New

It was a very positive meeting with Dr New this morning. Ellie was with me, he was very happy with the out come and has referred me to an OB that ‘looks after his pregnancies’.

Dr New sits there and says to me “It is still early days and you shouldn’t really make this public”.

I sat there stunned here I am in the room with Ellie and it is obvious that she knows, and my mother knows. I just nodded my head and said “ok”. He then went on to tell me that I have an 80% chance of this pregnancy continuing, which I have to say I like those odds.

I’m having another e2, p4 and beta hcg blood test on Wednesday to check that they are rising nicely and, AND I have been booked in for an ultrasound on the 6th of Jan.

With the blood test result if all looks good I was then told that the chances would be up around the 90% mark. NICE ONE eh?

OMG

I can't really talk (or type) as I'm shaking:
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.

I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.

I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.

Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.

Saga of peeing on sticks

Nothing in life is ever simple, but at least now I know which brands give me the right result. I have done a number of HPT’s over week or so but I get mixed messages, for instance:
- Sunday morning it was a negative*
- Monday morning it was a positive (faint)#
- Tuesday morning it was a negative*
- Last night I did two using two different brands, both positive (faint)#^
- This morning it was a positive (faint)#

* Clearblue
# Crystal Clear
^ Discovery

With the inconsistencies of these HPT’s Tim and I agreed to hold our excitement until we received the blood test results, which will be this afternoon. Joking I said to Tim on Tuesday that I think even 9 months pregnant the Clearblue tests would still be negative. However all the second lines have been very faint; they have never been as strong as the control line.

I didn’t blog about them for some reason, perhaps there is still something deep inside me holding me back from admitting that maybe I could just be…. you know…. Perhaps it is my way of protecting my heart.

Sigh….I will know this afternoon at any rate….and I will update as soon as possible.

CD36 16DPO

I got my results this afternoon:
e2 = 884
p4 = 48.6

Next blood test is on Thursday e2, p4 and beta hcg I begged Dr New to have the results Thursday afternoon and not make me wait until Friday.

The message was "Dr New is very optomistic".... holy shit, holy shit was going through my head

I was worried that my p4 levels had dropped, but was told it wasn't a problem.

When I woke this morning Tim rolled over to look at me and instead of saying good morning or something sweet...all I said was "My boobs still hurt", Tim just grunts and goes back to sleep. That is what our marriage is based on these days, spotting updates anytime of the day, pains, cramps and whether or not my boobs still hurt.

Manuela - that bat I'm using to beat the bitch back is not working too much anymore.. help

CD 35 15DPO

Not much to report, no sign of my period. My ovaries are still sore on both sides but it is not constant. My boobs are still sore. I had my blood test this morning but won't be getting the result until tomorrow...which is shit.

Hope has been visiting again, just last I caught her making plans of how I would decorate 'the' room, she wouldn't leave me alone so I got out of bed and washed my face doing the whole, cleanser, toner and moisturiser... I never really do this as I don't look after myself at all. But it did the trick, she was fought away as my mind was otherwise occupied.

I've taken to wearing a pad just to check for any spotting.

Give me strength to get through the rest of the day and tomorrow.

Thank you all for your comments, it is what is keeping me from going crazy.

CD 32 12 DPO

I’m drinking so much fucking water as an excuse to go to the toilet to check for potential spotting and after one of those episodes I had missed the call from Dr New’s office. So I called back:

“Hello Reena speaking”

“Hi Reena it’s Mari here”

“Oh hello, did you get our missed call on your mobile?”

“Um, yes"….fuck just tell me woman…give it to me straight

“I’m sorry but your p4 levels have dropped and you can expect your period”….those were the words I was expecting NOT: “Your results are in and no more injections and another e2 and p4 on Monday and call us Tuesday”

“OH, ok can you please tell me my levels?”

“Yes e2 = 788 and p4 = 54”

“Ok thanks” sitting in the meeting room going pale….FUCK, don’t know what to make of this….

This weekend will be a very long one for me, not only work wise but FUCK I don’t know if I will be able to hold out until Tuesday for the results and NOT to a HPT…

There is no way that I could be…is there? You know what...don't answer that questions as I don't want hope here at all...

Some lighthearted entertainment during 2WW.

Today I thought I would let you in on one of my weird practices when I’m cycling, this was not my idea (I got it from EB years ago) but I adopted this philosophy like my Cycle Religion and it relates to my underwear (undies) practices.

The start of a ‘normal’ cycles means are normally bleeding so I wear the old comfortable undies mainly in dark colours. During the most fertile times, you are closer to Ovulation I continue to wear dark undies to help keep track of (for me the elusive) EWCM.

Then during the 2WW I switch to wearing light coloured undies, so that I can scrutinise any smudges, checking for any spotting, be it dark, red or pinkish.

This is one of the quirky things I that do when cycling, and I would like to know if anyone else does similar things?

CD 31 11DPO

There is an oval shaped counter, the walls are apricot / peach in colour, on the wall behind the desk is a giant egg with a single sperm attacking it and the words “Monash IVF” just under the egg, soft Christmas music playing in the back ground, the lady behind the counter is busy shuffling paper, whilst marking of peoples names. Five women are patiently waiting for their names to be called for their blood test. All nervous and all sneakily look around at each other, perhaps wondering what each other women is doing, the flicking of magazine pages. In come more people to get their names marked off.

“Kathleen” says the blood drive nurse; I look up from my book, three more to go before me, quietly sighing as I get back to my book. ‘So you come before me, little woman, little man. Come to invoke the ancient laws and beg a boon of Jack in-the-Green’…”Monica”, two more. ‘Kerra kept her eyes on the patchwork carpet of leaves spreading at her feet. It did not do to look too long into the eyes of such as stood before her now.’

“Tracy” I put my book away and start looking around the waiting room that I have visited many times during the past 2 years, looking at the Christmas decorations and the presents under the tree when all of a sudden this thought pop’s into my head: ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if this Christmas I could tell my family that I was pregnant’, I sit there and fantasize how it would be, Anyu and Apu crying and MIL and FIL smiling happy, Ellie and Tina jumping up, a flood of questions bombard me.

Then I hear “Maria” and it all comes crashing down…where the fuck did that thought come from….STAY away from me, I don’t want those thought is my head….they hurt too fucking much. How dare you….as Manuela mentioned in one of her recent posts…HOPE is not welcome here.

CD29 9DPO update

Results are:
e2 = 585
p4 = 34.4

I'm to have another booster shot tonight, never had two boosters in a cycle...wonder what this means??

Next Blood test is on Thursday and results on Friday.

CD29 9DPO

My blood test results on Friday were ok (I think):
e2 = 484
p4 = 13.4

I had a booster shot on Friday and another e2, p4 blood test yesterday. I’m just now waiting for the results, I have also made an appointment to see Dr New after this cycle. Yes I’ve already assumed that I’m not pregnant, I think that it is easier to convince myself that there is no FUCKING way that I could be pregnant, than live with the possibility that I might just be.

My mind is in denial….NO I won’t go there I can’t, tis just too hard. Shit I don’t know why I’m even planning on testing on Thursday (I will be 11DPO on Thursday).

The other day I was happily having breakfast when suddenly I had the shock of my life as I realised that I had not taken my folate for the whole FUCKING cycle….as you can imagine I totally freaked out and thought of just popping as many pills as I could fit into my mouth all at once.

In the next breath I just shrugged it off mentally and told myself “This cycle wasn’t going to work anyway”. Mind you I still have not taken any folate….never remember to do it and the bottom of pills is right in front of me.

Then…oh this gets better…we have a new shopping centre that just recently opened up down the street from us and Tim and I decided to try some new take out…and of course we buy Fish ‘n Chips…YES Fish ‘n Chips in the 2WW. The thought had not even crossed my mind, I was happily drinking in the fried smell on the way home, and whilst opening the packets of butcher paper I again got another shock, this time I’m screaming like a banshee to Tim “Oh Fuck I’m not meant to eat fish…fuck”.

But I did, I mean it was food and I’m not about to waste food. But again my thought was “Hhhmhp I’m not pregnant so what does it matter”.

These are just a few examples of the less than cautious attitude that I have this 2WW, I’m usually very good, I eat and do the right things but this time, it has felt as though I’m going through the motions, my heart is just not in it.

I’ve had and done the following in the 2WW which I’ve been told I should not do:
- Mind boggling, screaming orgasm (hehehe loved that one)
- Drank Coffee
- Had a couple glasses of wine
- Fish ‘n Chips
- Not taken folate
- Lifted heavy shopping bags
- Cleaned the house
- Changed the kitty litter.

There’s no way that I could be pregnant…..is there?

Ponderings

Thank you all for your comments! Yes Tim and I have been enjoying the last few days. When we started OI and we knew that we would be told when to ‘do it’ we made a pact to try to make the ‘doing it’ as special as possible and not just… you know… quick and mechanical.

I had my blood test this morning for e2 and p4 and I will get my results tomorrow. On the walk down to the train station I was struck by how happy I was, or more to the point how comfortable I was at this clinic.

The lady that does the bloods on Mondays and Thursdays is fantastic, she always greets me with a smile and knows my name and makes me feel really comfortable and we always have a quick joke or some type of chit chat. She is not a fertility nurse but always asks me in a caring manner how my cycle is going. But to me it is almost like a slap in the face as I would not have known this lady if I did have fertility issues, I would not be seeing her on a regular basis if I wasn’t going through this crap. So how can my feeling of being comfortable and happy to see her be right?

This was going on in my mind as I’m walking along, I don’t just ponder this question…oh no, I then jump onto the other great relationships that I’ve also formed along the way. P my first nurse, I still talk to her if there is a problem with me trying to book a b/t. Other nurses whom I sometimes see at water aerobics. Dr News staff who call me and we joke around and are fantastic when things get a bit muddled.

I’ve often seen how others treat the same people that I deal with, they come in don’t really speak and sit down and it is almost like they remove themselves emotionally from these people they have contact with, I’ve even seen Men and women being quite rude to some to the nurses almost as though the blame is being on them.

I understand why some are like this, they don’t want to make this process memorable and honestly it is not a dream but a fucking nightmare. But I can’t blame the lady who takes my blood test for my failing body… I can’t even really blame myself, my body is just fucked but I’m dealing with it. I don’t see any reason to treat any of these ladies with out respect and if we joke about and gain a little insight into each others lives…then is it really wrong?

As you can see I really don’t have anything else important on my hands than worry about how the lady that takes my blood is feeling and questioning my feelings toward the whole process.

CD19

Another 2 nights of stims 150 and 112.5 and then Trigger shot on Sunday, we have been told to have sex Sunday and Monday and then another blood test on Thursday, this time e2 and p4.

CD18

Just arrived to work from the scan and not really the good news that I was hoping my follies are not growing as expected, but then again how often does my body work as expected???
The results are:
RO = 11mm
LO = 14mm

Now waiting on further instructions.

Even though I mentioned that I didn't think that there was any chance of this cycle working, my fingers are crossed I'm holding my breath (not literally), and I'm nervous yet excited. I want this cycle to happen cause I don't want the surgery, I'm terrified of it and the implications.

I have also decided that after we implement this phase of the project I'm going to start looking for another job. They are already talking about the next phase of implementation and is going to be either the same of worse than it is now and I'm not coping. I'm snapping, exhausted, Tim and I haven't really spoken to each other nor spent time together and it is just too much....too much...I'm only one person and it is just too much for me to handle. But handling it I am right now...but not for too much longer....

CD17

I'm to continue stims until tomorrow where another follicle ultrasound will be taking place...grow follies grow...

Will update tomorrow with the results. Fingers crossed.

CD15

Let me start by saying that there is a bugger of a chance that this cycle will work, my mind is not on TTC, the demands of my time for my job is ridiculous and I doubt that it will let up at all...the thought of having sex is the last thing on my mind...Every day it feels as though I’m going to a boxing ring, the political games that are occurring astound me…but I digress.

Late yesterday afternoon I got the call that Dr New wanted me to have a follicle scan today….so off I went, the results are not too good but then again I was shocked that he wanted a scan this early in the cycle:
RO = 13f largest being 8mm
LO = 17f largest being 9mm


My guess is that I will be doing a few more days of FSH then trigger this week sometime…I will wait and see.

Cycle update

After a slow start I'm now on 150iu of FSH, I had an e2 blood test on Thursday all looks good and I'm to have another on Monday.

shhhh don't tell anyone but I'm not taking metformin this cycle....for some reason I wanted to try this cycle without....shhhhh mini experiment.

To Bugsy - wishin you a very Happy Birthday today, may this next year bring you the joy you deserve.

The reason for the lack of posting....work fucken sucks right now....

Sorry

To my darling husband over the last few weeks we have discussed our dreams and hopes for the future and our growing desire for a baby. I know how much you want this cycle to work and I’m so very sorry that I have let you down up till now. January will mark the start of our 4th year of trying and I know that is sucks, I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.

To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.

I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…

To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.

CD03

I'm sorry that I haven't updated, work has been shit.

But I got my period late Tuesday afternoon and I called Dr New yesterday to start the new OI cycle. So now I'm waiting for them to call back so that I can have the baseline blood test.

I am ok with having my period, yes it means another failed cycle and that I'm not pregnant. BUT it means that I have my period...after quickly checking back this year I've only had my period 5 times....yes that's right 5 times, 4 out of the 5 times was due to either having to take drugs to bring on a bleed or due to injections. I've only had 1 period that my body produced all by itself, which took four months coming.

With the glass half full attitude....I would rather have my period arrive than sit here for months on end waiting for it to show by itself. I'm not fooling myself into believing that a failed cycle means nothing...it is hard, and sucks and I do want my bobim soo fucking much. But part of me is glad to be sitting here suffering cramps....because it means that I can start again soon.....not having to wait months on end....

Results

e2 = 298
p4 = 8.0

Now waiting for my period....wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can start again.

Please explain!?!?!?

*****TMI WARNING****

Spotting was really nothing, a couple of little spots on a pad, sent me crazy.. Thanks to Bugsy who has kept me sane over the last day or so.

I only have some light brown, slightly pinkish smudges...when I wipe....and no cramping.

This is so unlike me...

I will get my blood test results this afternoon...

Is this the End??

I've started spotting....tomorrow maybe CD01, I'm still going for the e2, p4 blood test though.

I just knew it...

fuck....

"another one bites the dust......"

Planning ahead

In my mind I’m already planning ahead, I’ve automatically assumed that I’m not pregnant and I’ve already worked out that I can get one more cycle in before Christmas…and guess what?? I’ve already assumed that the next cycle will fail as well.

I want to call Dr New and arrange an appointment just before Christmas, the last time I saw him (at the start of this cycle) he mentioned that we would do 3 OI cycles together and then I would be off to have surgery….to have my stomach stapled…which has now got me convinced that I can’t fall pregnant without this drastic surgery….What is with that?

I’ve also already packed my prescriptions to drop off at the chemist on the way home from work today, so that they can order my goodies for the next cycle…which again I assume is going to fail.

I haven’t got my period, I haven’t done a HPT…I actually don’t have any in the house and have made no plans to buy one…my p4 levels are nice and high and yet here I am expecting to call Dr New’s office on Monday saying that I got my period over the weekend…is my mind bringing my period on..all by itself? You know the whole mind over matter shit…..am I unconsciously making myself not fall pregnant?

Maybe it is time to see J (the kinesiologist) again and see what deep dark feelings I’m hiding from myself as I obviously have no fear anymore that it won’t work…as during the night I have convinced myself that it hasn’t worked….maybe that is my new fear that it will work….but how can that be…I want a baby…don’t I?

Look at this...LOOK!!!

CD27 and 9DPO

I got my results earlier for my blood test yesterday:

e2 = 2187
p4 = 103

Can you believe it 103!!!! It has never been this high before...don't know if it is good sign or not and I know it does mean that I'm....you know...but last cycle my p4 was 70.7 at 9DPO and this cycle it is 103 at 8DPO!!! AND it also means that my p4 level jumped from 17 last Friday to 103 yesterday...

All that keeps on going through my mind is 103, 103, 103...WOW I can't believe it.

Next e2 and p4 is on Monday.

Back and cycle update

We arrived back from our trip late yesterday afternoon, we had such a lovely time just the two of us. A good way to switch off and just enjoy our own company.

Friday on the way to Mildura I got my blood test results for 3 DPO:
- e2 = 800
- p4 = 17

A good sign that I ovulated...yay!

I had another Trigger shot on Friday...hehehehe had to carry the ampules, syringe, needles and medical swab with us and luckily we had an esky (cooler) to keep the ampules at the right temperature.

I was asked to have a another e2 and p4 on Monday but because I was out of Melbourne I asked to move it to Wednesday. Dr New secretary was astonished that I was not in Melbourne and not willing to cut my trip short just to come back for a blood test. Well that it not really true, Tim and I were willing to change our plans but we have always been advised not to change our life style to fit in with TTC.

But after more phone calls to Dr New it didn't seem to bother him that the blood test would take place tomorrow instead of yesterday.

Today I'm CD25 but 7DPO.

Last night

On top of all the texting that was going on, Tim reminded me about the trigger shot at 7:15pm. So I jump up to mix the powder and solvent, when I search the fridge to discover that I don’t have Pregnyl 5000iu. I have plenty gonal-f left and Pregnyl 1500iu but no 5000iu.

Flash backs to a previous month where we had to drive 35km to pick up another one….but before that I called my pharmacy just to check if they had any in stock. There is a particular lady that really looks after me and orders in a few extra meds for me.

I was in luck as they had one set of Ampoules left, I’m usually so very organised when my period arrives I’m off to the pharmacy I went and all was good.

Trigger last night and we manage to complete our task…ok…we did it and it was fantastic….

Bugsy - Yes this cycle is earlier than the last cycle trigger was on CD26, this cycle trigger is on CD18 and today I'm on CD19.

e2 and p4 on Friday.

Next Steps

Trigger shot tonight and then we are to have sex tonight, tommorrow.

On Friday I have an e2 and p4 blood test.

Cycle update

I had a follicle scan this morning here are my results:
CX = 39
CV = 43
9MM lining

Right Ovary = 21 follicles largest being 16 then 11 then 8-3

Left Ovary = 12 follicles largest being 14 then 13.

Weekend and cycle update

Yesterday was the Annual Melbourne 4x4 Camping and Fishing show, Tim and I attend every year, there is always something to and interesting to see. This year however we took along Tim’s parents, the don’t get to the city much.

The show and day were really good, had so much fun climbing in and out of out 4WD camper trailers, there were so many more this year than there were in the past. We always end up buying something and this year we bought map software to take with us when we go camping. We are also thinking about joining a 4WD club again. Now that G and Zs are no longer in our lives, it is not really safe to go into the bush on your own.

Next weekend is a long weekend in Melbourne if you take the Monday 31st Oct off. Tim and I are using this weekend to get away from Melbourne, work, family and friends for a mini break and we are off to the north west of Victoria to Mildura and then onto Echuca. I’m looking forward to taking our new Pathfinder and going to places I’ve never been.

On the cycle front things are looking good moving along faster this time around, mostly because I started on 150iu of FSH. Tomorrow morning I’m going in for a follicle ultrasound. So I will update with the results tomorrow.

I haven’t been asking for my hormone levels, part of me just didn’t want to know. Last cycle I had to know everything but this time around, I’m like…meh…you want me to have another e2….ok. Do I feel any better not knowing? Not sure, work just occupies my mind so much lately that I haven’t really had time to think about it. If you know what I mean.

Quickly

I'm a still here live and kicking, just frantically busy at work. Stupid work, my period arrived on Saturday and about to start the whole process again.

I have a number of posts in mind but are waiting to be written, this cycle I want to concentrate more on the other parts of my life and not just the cycle.

Thank you all so much for your comments...it is the most amount of comments I've ever received!!

Waiting for CD1

I've just been told that my period should be starting soon as my levels dropped:
e2 = 312
p4 = 7.5

Not much else to say...*SIGH*

CD36, 10DPO

e2 = 996
p4 = 70.7

Still waiting for instructions.

Updated to say another e2 and p4 on Thursday.

Slowly going insane (CD35, 9DPO)

I spent most of the weekend plastered in front of the TV, watching the Enterprise Episodes that we bought…geekiness showing through I know. This is the one thing that keeps me relatively sane during the waiting game, by escaping reality and watching TV I don’t have to ‘deal’ with the waiting.

But it is a totally different story here at work, I either through myself into the tasks assigned to me so I drown out all the distractions or I spend time analysis my previous charts and frantically googling.

Today I’m frantic and I’m not handling it at all. I’ve already called Dr New’s office once to find out if they have my results and I’m trying not to call again today, as I will find out tomorrow….oh FUCK IT I will call.

I did and nothing yet…

CD32, 6DPO

Dr New called yesterday with my results and they are looking pretty good:
e2 = 593
p4 = 44.3

I had a Pregnyl booster injection last night (1500iu) then was told to have sex last night, tonight and Saturday. Not sure why but am following Dr New's orders. I'm very happy with those numbers and looking back over my previous stimmed cycles my p4 levels around the same time has never been above 32...I wonder if this is a good sign?

I have another e2 and p4 blood test on Monday.

CD30 but 4DPO

I’m not exactly sure if I’m in the 2WW as it never really turns out to be 3 weeks waiting. It all depends on whether or not I have a booster Pregnyl injection. I don’t like Pregnyl, I have all the pregnancy symptoms without the actual pregnancy.

My bruise has gone just in time for another blood test tomorrow, where I don’t find out the results until Friday…sigh!

We only managed to ‘do it’ twice on Saturday just before ovulation. Didn’t manage it on Sunday nor Monday, but that’s a whole different story. I know that I did ovulate early Sunday morning due to the pain in my left ovary. Fingers are crossed that there were still enough ‘guys’ present to fertilise. But who knows, it is just a matter of waiting, which I have no patiences for.

CD25

Things are sure moving along really quickly now. I’ve taken a photo of my arm as the bruise is hideous, it has never been this bad...sigh....the things we infertile do and put up with!

I came out of a 1.5 hr meeting to find 3 missed calls on my mobile from Dr New’s office. Dr New wanted me to go for an internal ultrasound today, at the time it was 12:30pm. As she (Dr New’s secretary) was telling me this I was sitting at my desk opening and closing my mouth like a fish…..how the hell was I going to get to Clayton for a scan, today. But she had booked me into Epworth hospital in Richmond, which also has IVF offices.

All I'm going to say about getting there is FUCKING FOOTY FUCKING TRAFFIC. Walking 5 blocks in heals to get a Tram.

But it was worth the walk as here are the scan results:

Uterus lining good (can’t remember the number)

1 smallish endo cyst...never seen that before

Right Ovary = 14mm dominant follicle with 10 4-8 mm follicles

Left Ovary = had two 15mm dominant follicles with 15 4-7 mm follicles (WOW)

Oh and e2 = 595 (from yesterdays blood test)

On the tram back to work I was stressing that they would cancel the cycle with so many dominant follicles and they were / are smallish. I’ve heard that 18-22 is the ideal size and that they grow 2mm every day.

But the cycle is going a head, I’m to have one more 150ui Gonal-f tonight then 5000ui Pregnyl tomorrow, then intercourse Saturday, Sunday and Monday with an e2 and p4 blood test next Thursday.

CD22

e2 up to 395, GREAT NEWS!!!
I'm to continue with 150ui of gonal-f until and including Thursday where I will have another e2 in the morning to find out the results on Friday.
I'm so glad that my levels went up and a nice big jump to, I did tell Dr New that I only respond well to Gonal-f if the dosage is higher than 112.5. As I had tried, 37.5, 75 and 112.5. 150 was the right number of me each time. Oh well, I suppose he had to learn the hard way...but do you think that I have the right to say to him "I told you so?"

All sorts

Mimi
I tried to keep a level of animosity with this blog, but it really hasn’t worked. I didn’t use my nickname for a while, but then started to. I still refer to my husband as Mimi, which is can come across as strange to others. But that is my nickname for him, and I think that it is about time that I introduced his real name and an explanation for Mimi.

We are of a Hungarian decent and speak it often at home Mimi’s real name if Tibor a typical Hungarian name. But he hates it, when he was growing up no-one could pronounce it so he changed it to Tim, that’s what everyone calls him. Expect for the old’s and when Ellie and Tina were young they could say Tibi (which is the nickname to Tibor) they said Bibi and then I got Mimi. From now on I shall refer to my husband as Tim.

Coping
For some reason I’m not really coping at all today, all I really want to do is just dive into my bed and just escape the world for the day. Escape into one of my romance books that I can’t seem to get enough of, or into one of the many teenage movies I own. But I can’t it is Tim’s birthday tomorrow and we are expecting a series of visitors all afternoon.

Up until today I thought that I was coping ok with this cycle but when I woke up this morning I was just all depressed and filled with THE question of ‘WHEN”. I hate feeling like this and no amount of wishing will help me get to my destination.

I had tried to let go of my fear (here) but I worry that it has crept back in, and if I’m really honest I am scared shitless right now. I’m not really scared about not ever having a child as Tim and I have a plan. I’m scared about this cycle..of falling pregnant again and having another miscarriage, of tomorrow or whenever I find out that my e2 levels have dropped again. Of not seeing a nice big juicy mother of a follicle when I have a scan. Of giving Dr New unconditional blind faith that he has my best interests at heart as he is monitoring my cycle himself.

People say to stay positive but I’ve never been a positive person ever…it is too hard to be positive..but I agree with these people on the outside and say stupid things like “I know that this will happen for me”. But internally I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not give into all my fears. Is it normal to be this scared? I haven’t even ovulated yet and I’m scared that I’m going to loose another Bobim. Are other infertiles this shit scared also, or is it just me? How can you stay positive?

What makes it so right in this world that infertiles know what e2, p4 hCG beta levels, FSH, LH , EWCM all these acronyms stand for and what your respective numbers means?

One of my favourite sayings is “Ignorance is bliss” and honestly I would rather be ignorant of all those words and meanings than have to go through this shit. How is it right that I have to get instructions of when to ‘do it’ with my husband, the whole aspect of making love to reproduce is not even involved in the equation. Or that my stomach is riddle with little bruise from when I have to inject myself? (A whole separate post on that one to follow)

Not so bad

Just got the call my cycle has not been cancelled. I'm to continue with the gonal-f 150ui (is that right?) until and including Monday. Another Blood test on Monday and more instructions on Tuesday.

Is this the worlds longest OI cycle?

OH FUCK

I don't know what this means but my e2 levels have dropped, what I do know is that this is NOT a fucking good sign...
1st e2 = 114
2nd e2 = 199
3rd e2 = 235
4th e2 = 221

waiting for a call back with instructions.... please don't cancel the cycle, please don't cancel....

shit, slowly going insane....oh god

CD16

Just a quick update as I'm at work, e2 level rose to 235 on Monday. Dr New called yesterday with further instructions, increase dosage to 150ui until and including Thursday. Another e2 Thursday morning and further instructions on Friday.

I just want to have the internal u/s, I have a great sense of accomplishment when I see my nice big follicles present on the screen. I just hope that they are growing nicely and because we are taking it slow the egg quality will be better.

End_Result - thanks for your comment about going slowly, it really helped. I'm just so used to an OI cycle going by so quickly. But now I think that maybe that was my problem in the first place and could be a reason for all the Chemical pregnancies (to be read as miscarriages)

CD12

I had another e2 blood test on Thursday and my levels rose to 199, I’m to continue with the gonal-f until and including Monday, another e2 blood test Monday morning.

I’m trying not to analyse the results but to be honest it is hard not to, when comparing the other OI cycles my e2 levels are really low. But I trust that Dr new knows what he is doing, it feels good getting my instructions from his directly rather than through a nurse. I also wonder if the Metformin is affecting my e2 levels, see there I go again comparing, wondering, stressing about something that I’m not even educated in.

Food for thought

My morning ritual is to scan my favourite blogs to see if there are any new posts and then proceed to devour what has been written. I’m a bad lurker I rarely comment mostly because of my ill-conceived low self esteem issues. Basically I feel like I really don’t have anything important to say.

Whilst I started this blog sometime ago, I have been a phantom in the blog world for almost 2 years. It started with a post on EB where someone had linked to Terita’s blog. After reading the relevant post I was hooked, I mean who couldn’t be!

To my dismay or Terita’s I then proceed to copy every single post of hers to a word document so that I could print it out to read on the train and I mean every single post. At the time I was very early into my infertility issues and the one thing that has stuck with me was the same sense of drive, which is that I will not let fate dictate whether or not I will have a child. I will stand my ground shaking my fist at fate “You will not get the best of me; I’m not through with this fight yet!”

So this morning like every morning I read all my blogs, where I came across this post:

Some people get driven to their destinations in a limo; some people have to drive themselves. Others need to take a cab, some are forced to take trains or hitch hike. And some of us had to walk barefoot, along a long and lonely road, in the blistering sun watching everyone else whizzing past with relative ease. You could say “does it matter how you get there, what matters is that you have arrived?” To me, it does matter. Yes I have arrived at the same place as everyone else, but I cannot forget how I got there. See the scares on my feet? They tell a tale of my journey here. I can’t pretend that they do not exist; they are a part of who I am.

I may not be there yet and it may take me awhile to get to my destination but these words have haunted me most of the day, and with Terita’s permission I have posted them here and I think that I might even add some of the words to my profile. I could not have said it any better.

Can anyone pass me a band-aid, my feet a sore?

CD7

Quick cycle update, my e2 (oestrogen) level was 114, this time in my last OI cycle it was 218. I don’t know what my baseline e2 was, but I guess that I have not jumped up as much as I should’ve. But I’m not stressing actually I’m feeling quite calm about this cycle. Dr New said his secret to success was slow going wins the race.

I’m happy to take things slowly, part of me doesn’t really feel like I’m cycling we do the injections at night but I haven’t really given it much thought at all. A totally different experience this time around.

Orders are to continue injecting 112.5ui of Gonal-f Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, another e2 blood test on Thursday morning but to call Dr New Friday for more instructions.

CD6

Not too much to report on the cycle front, my period is almost gone which is a good thing. I’m still doing ok on metformin, only have the occasional side affect now and then but nothing to complain about.

One more gonal-f injection tonight of 112.5 and then another blood test tomorrow morning. I will call Dr News office tomorrow afternoon for further instructions.

Diet Day 7

On Friday I checked the scales and in the 4 days since I started eating better I had lost a kilo. I give all the credit to water; I’ve been trying to drink at least 3 litters of water a day. Everywhere I go my bottle of water goes with me, it does mean an increase amount of time on the toilet but if I loose a kilo in 4 days what should I be complaining about?

I have not had to hold Mimi’s feet yet (yippee) which I am most grateful for. Friday night Mimi suggested that we have take away so that I didn’t have to cook (last week I choose to have take away on Thursday) which would’ve meant that we would’ve had take away 2 nights in a row.

Something in my snapped and I got up off my arse and cooked dinner, which I am most proud of. I’m hoping that week 2 will be just a good, this morning I woke early deliberately to organise the menu for the next week and organise the shopping list.

So far so good!

Amazed

Friday was my last official day off from work, as of Monday I will be back at work full time. Mimi also wasn’t working so we took the opportunity in going to our local shopping centre and do a bit of retail therapy or try to anyway.

Apparently we live in one of the fastest grown areas, there are new house popping up every week. Since we have been living here (8 years now) the area has really changed, it is the ideal location for young families. Even though it is 45km out of the city it is still very popular.

Mimi had to get his license renewed and while I was sitting there waiting for him I was amazed at how many pregnant women, women with baby strollers there were. I was thinking about how brave infertiles are that they able to leave the house. The heart ache that some women must go through walking in these types of shopping centers. I remember back to after my first m/c how hard it was just to walk from shop to shop and how I had a small(ish) panic attack.

I have resigned myself to the fact that finally holding our bobim may not be an easy thing for us to achieve and it may still be a long journey ahead for us. For me it was not that hard to see all those ladies with children or the much desired baby bump. But having said that I am yet to step a foot out side my house since Friday. Could be an unconscious thing?

Diet Day 2 (more importantly CD01)

I have not yet needed to hold Mimi’s feet as I’ve been pretty good the last day and a half. Bugsy has been a great help in keeping tabs on me and we are encouraging each other through out the day.

More importantly my period has finally arrived, so today is officially CD01. After a 108 (approx) day cycle, it is a relief to feel like a woman again, a woman that has period pains.

Baseline e2 (oestrogen) blood test tomorrow no base line u/s required, Thursday I’m to start Gonal-f again my starting dose = 112.5. So stimming is for Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, then another Blood test on Monday.

The roller coaster cart has started climbing the hill, the start of the journey has begun. Am secretly shitting myself…but shhh, don’t tell anyone!

All ready

I’ve got all my drugs ready, picked up the extra Gonal-f pen and Pregnyl 5000 yesterday afternoon. The chemist has also ordered extra for me so that if I need extra mid cycle or the ‘incident’ happens then we will know that our local pharmacy has them in stock. Couldn’t ask for better customer service than what I’m getting there.

So I’m ready for the next OI cycle, I’m optimistic have all the good vibes staying positive yet not overly confident. All I need now is for my period to start.

I will call Dr New on Tuesday to give him an update on the Metformin situation, the not so nice side affect is here but I’m able to handle it. I don’t care if I suffer from it during the day, I just don’t want to be on the toilet at night.

I want to know if I should start taking Primolut (similar to Provera) to bring on a bleed. I’m eager to get started, when I’m cycling with OI it really feels like we have a better chance of successfully achieving our dreams. It seems without drugs my body cannot be relied upon.

All sorts

Hoping that this post will finally work now:

Work:

Went back to work this week after my holidays, it was good to get back and see everyone and I was looking forward to the next phase of my project starting. Which I think highlighted the fact that I do enjoy my job even though I don’t like the money. I have decided to see the rest of this project through to the end and then look for another job (if I’m not pregnant by then), this time I will be looking for contract work $$$$.

I’ve also decided to go back full time in September, it is time for me to stop being selfish, the whole reason why I went part-time was to relax and try to loose weight. I’ve sure relaxed, actually I’ve developed a sloth complex but as for the weight, who am I kidding? In all this time I’ve not lost anything, well the weight comes and goes it is up and down.

Mimi has still not been able to find a full time job or steady casual work. I feel really sorry for him as it sometimes seems as though recruitment and would be employer companies are dicking him around. There will be days where he won’t hear a thing from anyone and then there will be days where he is constantly on the phone. Financially it is getting a bit tight.

Meds:

I’m back on the folate, multi-vitamin and metformin this time around has been ok. I’m only taking one tablet a day (half in the morning and half after dinner). No sign of the dreaded ‘D’ yet, which is good and I will be slowly getting my body used to it before going to two tables a day.

Me:

I’m feeling really good actually, not tired, not stressed, really positive and full of life. I look at Mimi’s work situation and the Bills coming in and normally I would stressing about it, but now it’s like “Humph…she’ll be right” (whilst shrugging). It might be the flower essences, it might be metformin but honestly I don’t care what it is I’m just glad that I feel this way.

Ellie:

While we were at Lindeman Island Ellie had her appendix (sp?) removed and the surgery went well as expected. When we were to arrive home she was meant to come over her for some TLC whilst Mimi and I were still off work and on holidays. My fucked sister decided to let her 14 year old daughter decided that she is ok to go to school (against dr orders) earlier and that Ellie would be better of with her grandparents (BIL parents). My sister will never learn that these people are not the right influence on her kids. To say the least I was pissed off as we could’ve stayed longer at Lindeman.

Ellie did go back to school earlier and then spent the whole weekend and most of this week in hospital again as she got an infection, where they had to drain the puss everyday (with no pain killers)…sorry for TMI. I didn’t take the high road a smirk and say…”She would’ve been better off at my house”. Ellie is doing much better now but is under strict instructions to stay at home and not to go to school until she is better.

TTC:
There is no sign of ovulation or of my period which means no ovulation no baby, no period no ovulation induction cycle. I may need more patients to allow metformin to kick in.

Dr New

I’m back from the appointment with Dr New who believes that I’m not borderline PCOS but definitely have PCOS. This is the whole reason why I have trouble loosing weight and why I don’t ovulate.

I’m being put back on Metformin, one tablet a day for 2 weeks to see if I still suffer any side affects. But if I do suffer then I’m to take something similar to Provera to start my period.

Dr New said that he will be personally monitoring my next Ovulation Induction cycle. Which is good news and I liked Dr New felt very comfortable with him.

I can’t help feel as though there was something missing, I think that I was expecting way too much. I’m sick and tired of my weight being an issue with trying to conceive a child.

Dear Bobim

I know that it has been a while since I last wrote you a letter; this does not mean that I don’t think of you. You are never far from my thoughts.

We are going to see a new Fertility specialist on Monday and part of me is very excited yet another part is also terrified and full of questions. We are half way through the third year of really trying to have you and it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. By now you should’ve been with us, you should’ve been reaching a birthday.

By now I should be starting to try and conceive your brother or sister. This is not how I had envisioned my life. I always wanted to a ‘young’ Mum having you in my mid twenties, but now it looks like that you will be joining us in my early thirties, if ever.

I have to believe that you will be with us soon otherwise I will go insane I think. Daddy and I were talking the other day about our plans for the future and now that Daddy has started studying we were talking about what will happen in three years time.

We both agreed that we did not want to be ‘Bobim-less’ in 3 years time, but we haven’t agreed as to when we would stop trying for you. I’m not ready to say STOP, it has been enough. I am ready for the consequences of that decision but just not ready to give into my infertility. There has to be a way that you will be conceived and stay with us. I believe that there is a solution out there for you and me to be together, what the answer is I don’t know. I just pray that this new Dr will help.

After shock

After our lovely holiday we arrived back to our clean lovely house, but is it too quiet. At times I hate it; this house was deliberately built with extra bedrooms for our children and they are empty of baby things, with the exception of the ‘chest of dreams’ they are just too quiet.

My desire for a child has not been diminished, if anything our holiday has increased my want. I think that this is really hurting my Mimi which most hard to bear.

At times (like right now) I feel an overwhelming sense of failure as a wife, mother and woman, I can’t even keep a pregnancy, I thought that I had put all those feelings aside and moved on. But there are times many times where the feelings just seem to overwhelm me.