This post may seem appropriate given the day and it has been rattling around in my head for a week or so. But before I get to this gist of this post..here is a quick update:
Back at work, and whilst I felt so guilty about leaving him and hated where I was placed. I’ve worked through these issue and am happy, actually happy. The extra money helps and stress of finances has lifted and I get to have some me time during the day. I spend more time with Jordan than I do at work which suits me. The work part of it is great, new challenging, it was not something I wanted to do and even tried my hardest to get out, but it seems that I’ve been put there for a reason and who knew that I would enjoy it so much?
No news yet, it is just a matter of waiting. In the meantime we are slowly getting the house ready.
He is now sitting, my little man with two teeth is sitting and he is such a happy baby. He may not crawl yet and he may not be as active on the floor but he is happy and I’m not going to push him.
I have completed the PND group sessions and meet some wonderful caring people who get me and my situation. There is nothing like having someone who just gets you.
In the last session we were asked to choose a couple of cards that reflect what we had learnt. I choose “Being Thankful” and “Remember Blessings”.
I’m deeply thankful to the counsellor for not letting me go, after seeing the Phycologist I thought that I was fine, over the hurdle, passed the issues I was having. In reality I was deluding myself. I was not “depressed” perse it was hard not to control the negative thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and recognising when it was getting too much.
I’m thankful for opening my eyes to reality that I was most likely suffering from anxiety and depression during the pregnancy. I can remember hyperventilating on the tram to work one day as I just didn’t want to go there…that was a sign and sign to slow down and a sign that I missed because I didn’t know better.
Remember blessing is to simply remember that I have my baby, my wonderful boy that brings so much love and laughter to my life. I sometimes stress about meeting his needs and being the “perfect mother” when I just need to remember that I have been blessed with this gift and to just cherish it. Jordan won’t know that he does not have the latest Pumpkin patch outfit…but he will notice and miss the time we play together.
I also need to remember that I almost died and I need to remember that I was blessed with a second chance. I came so very close and ignoring what happened to me is being stupid. I won’t dwell on it but I need to remember that someone..be it God, the universe or mother earth would not let me go. I am here for a reason and it is not to be some negative thinking, doubting blubbering mess. I have more to give and more to learn…there is just more.
So after just a short 8 weeks I feel like a different person and for it to last like this I need to work at it.