Ellie's poem

My Poem from me to you

I was sitting here thinking,
Of the words to say
But they didn’t come out right so I found another way.
I got a piece of paper and I wrote this poem for you
But there is not way to thank you for everything you do.

For always being there for me and
Staying by my side
For helping fix my problems
For accepting my thoughts and feelings in which you understood
For never giving up on me,
For making me laugh and letting me cry,
And saying you would miss me if I were to die.

Everything you mean to you could never know,
In all the ways you’ve changed my life I could never show.
You are my shinning star and though it’s so incredible that’s the way you are

Before getting to mushy
It’s time for me to go
But before I leave this ink filled page there one thing you should know
As long as we are living
No matter when or where if you need me I’ll be there
I will climb a hundred mountains and swim a thousand seas
Anything to be there because you’ve been there for me.

Right or wrong reasons

Pain – I’m in a constant state of pain, my body feels so battered and bruised that at times I don’t know how I’m going to go on and yet I feel fantastic, the pain tells me that what I’m doing is right. “No pain no gain” saying comes to mind.

Am I pushing myself too much? Possibly, is this an excuse to give up? Could be, but I’m not going to give up, if it takes a few months of pain to achieve conception then I’m willing to grin and bear it.

I’ve never been the type of person to keep things private, when I suffered the miscarriages I told people at work, not to get sympathy but to educate others (especially women) that sometimes conception is not an easy thing. Until I stated TTC I feel as though I lived in the dark ages. So a lot of people know that I’m TTLW and work has been very supportive.

However there is one glitch and that is people seem to think that I’m doing all this exercise for the wrong reasons. BOBIM. I’ve been told to:
“Do this for yourself and no one else”
“Let go of the fear of never having a baby and loose weight for you”
“Do you want to cherish this body for yours?”
“Look after yourself; you are the most important person at the moment”

I can see that side of the coin, however let me be totally honest here, if I wasn’t trying for my bobi (that is our name we use when we talk about a baby) then I would not be putting myself through this. Sure I want to look good, but that is not important to me, sure I want to be able to buy nice clothes, but again this is not important to me.

I’m excited about loosing weight as I can’t wait to get back into some of my clothes, but that is a side effect, I’m really doing this to conceive my bobi. No other reason. Sure I want to be healthy and live long; However I’m comfortable in my skin, I know who I am, I’ve accepted how I look.

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been told by many people to loose weight “You would be so gorgeous if you lost weight”. “Why don’t you try to loose weight before you go overseas and visit the family, you want to feel comfortable don’t you?”

I have come to the realisation that the main reason why I didn’t want to do this before and why I still fight doing this for me is because I feel that family, friends, work colleagues and general people in my life should accept me how I am and love me for the soul I posses rather than the kilos I carry.

My Mimi has rarely tells me to loose weight and when he does it is only in the context that he see me struggling walking up a hill or he hears me breathing hard after a short walk and he says that he is scared and hates it how I struggle. Yet others in my life say what they think are inspirational words for me to loose weight but they hurt as it is another example where I feel that have not accepted me as I am or they do not love the person I am right now and want me to be something else.

So am I doing this for the right or wrong reasons? By others opinions I am; but if Bobim is the motivation that has made me get up this morning after my first personal training session last night that has caused me to limp this morning and I’m just about to go to a water aerobics class in the deep end of the pool, then in my book I don’t think that it is the wrong reason. At the end of this journey I still may not have my Bobim but I will have lost weight and be healthier.

To me this is as win win situation even if it’s been achieve with the ‘wrong’ intention in mind.

A Baby

On Sunday Mimi and I went to a work function for his work and families were invited, little did I think that the afternoon would be so hard. There were two toddlers and two babies, one was 5 months old and the other was 5 weeks old.

It was nice to talk ‘Babies’ and ask all the kind of usual blah questions, like did you have a hard pregnancy, how is he sleeping and how are you coping. Mind you it was the first time I met these women.

You guessed it they started asking Tim and I THE question…Do you have kids? Are you going to have them…you know the ones. We are so used to answering THOSE questions and I was feeling pretty good.

UNTIL…

I was offered to hold the 5 week old little Jasper, and I’ve held my close friends baby all the time, actually as soon as I set in her door it is almost an automatic thing that I get to cuddle her child. So I thought ok why not I’ll hold little Jasper. He was so cute and calm and so very tiny, not a problem. Then Mimi’s work colleague must have seen the wistful expression on my face and started saying things like, “oh no Mimi you better watch out she looks clucky”.

Mimi promptly replied that fine with me. So the mother of Jasper asked me if we were trying, honesty has always been my policy so I told her the truth. Yes we are but it won’t be easy for us, we then talked about OI (she has a friend going through the same thing and has also suffered miscarriages). I casually try to say, “Every time I’ve done an OI cycle I’ve miscarried, it was on my tongue”. But as the words started coming out I started choking on tears. I held the back and quickly gave the little one back and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

Here I was holding a gorgeous little boy, which represented something that I want more than life itself (atm) and it doesn’t seem to be happening for us. If anything holding little Jasper just gives me more motivation to TTLW and go to my exercise classes; which I did tonight and enjoyed immensely.