While some infertile’s would be rejoicing with a sigh of relief after receiving positive beta’s and I’m not saying that Tim and I haven’t rejoiced at all. I can’t help feel somewhat extremely cautious.
It feels as though each morning I wake up and I’m on a new square of pavement and it is boiling hot from the sun and has glass, dirt and other sharp bits on it. I see myself looking at my toes and willing them to move a slow shuffling pace. By the end of that day I have only walked one pavement square but it feels like I’ve walked to the moon and back.
I tell myself “Today you are pregnant, be happy relax and enjoy all the attention”, but by mid afternoon all I want to do is go to a very cool and dark corner and just sit holding my tummy protectively, not that I think that this will really protect Bobim from anything but it is a comforting gesture. Actually it was quiet amusing waking up this morning to have both of my arms being wrapt around my tummy.
I can only look forward until Friday, for some reason Friday, for me is one big step along this lonely road. I feel as though once I reach Friday then maybe I can let a little sigh of relief out. Then the next moment I think about the 17th of Jan where I have my first OB appointment after that I will be more relaxed about this pregnancy.
Then I wonder is this what my pregnancy going to be like; living and not breathing until each small milestone is reached?
I don’t feel prepared of this part of the road; maybe I’m just outside my comfort zone, which makes me wonder how did I ever get comfortable on the TTC part of the road? I’m in shock that I’ve just realised that I got nice a comfy in the TTC road…. It had been my life for the past 3 years why wouldn’t you feel comfortable, but by just saying that make my mind reel with obscenities. IT IS NOT RIGHT! I should never have become comfortable there. But I did and now here I am (at work) craving some dark cool corner where I can rock back and forward (like some fucking lunatic) hugging my tummy until Friday is here.
Is it normal to feel like this?