Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Like a dog

Almost daily Jordan has new tricks, a new smile, new sound, new facial expression and he is discovering new things too.

His latest is a fascination with his left hand…he holds it up as a fist at arms length, whilst starting at it with a surprised expression on his face. Then the fist slowly moves towards his mouth which is opened in an O shape…then he sucks and sucks and sucks.

The other morning we woke to the sounds of sucking…not crying…sucking. He was happily trying to shove his fist into his mouth, so very cute. This afternoon whilst changing his nappy Jordan decided to show me his fist and when I went to give him a kiss on his cheek he moved his hand, as if to indicate that I must kiss his fist.

His latest smile is very similar to a smiley face with the tongue hanging out, it lights up his whole face. But it’s almost like his is embarrassed at the same can almost hear the shuckssss….and foot shuffle to go along with that smile. It is out favourite!

Jordan has also decided to mistake any part of my body as a tissue. I go to burp him and he rubs his head from side to side…he does it so much that his little nose turns red. This is new and I don’t get what he is doing, it is only when he is tired. We wonder if he is unconsciously still seeking milk from my breast…because that is what it looks like.

Secretly I love it how he rubs his head against me, he is not crying just seeking comfort.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

In other news

I’ve been referred to a specialist in order to have my gall bladder removed. My appointment is for next Thursday and from my guess the surgery will happen in November sometime…very serious stuff and no mucking about…or waiting around.

Since giving birth to Jordan I think that I’ve passed a number of stones, but the last time that it occurred I was in so much pain that I could not function. The other times…the pain passed quickly and I was able to look after my son.

My greatest fear with this now is that the pain will grip me again when it is just the two of us at home. When it starts I’m incapacitated there is no way that I could even look after Jordan. I could delay the surgery and wait until he is a little older but then I run the risk of it hitting me when I least expect it.

Then there are my feelings about the whole surgery, I feel as though I’m abandoning my little boy, even if it will be for a few days…I’m riddled with guilt. I know that I would not be a good mother if I ignored this and didn’t have the surgery…

The evil demon visited again, during the early morning feed. But this time I made it a point to talk to Tim about what the bastard said:
“What if I die during surgery?....Oh that is ok, Tim will find someone else to be the mother of Jordan. Jordan won’t miss me…plus Tim’s mother is much “better” mother than I am and she will help him”.

Perhaps the evil demon is a sign of PND, I don’t know, but when I had that thought…I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel hurt, angry, upset, happy. I felt nothing, no remorse, no pain , no sorrow…nothing…nada…zip. If anything the lack of feeling scares me more than that thought.

After telling Tim I did feel better and something deep inside me made me go and check on Jordan…as I leaned over the cot to see if he was awake, his eyes open and in the small light produced by the little lamp next to his bed he recognised me…and smiled…and that brought me back…my demon bashing bat grew and I was able to fight the bastard off again…even if for a little while.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Alternative Realities

Jordan had his 2 month immunisation injections today…I was so nervous, anxious and worried about the whole thing. 3 injections later in his thigh and much crying he is finally asleep.

On the way home from the Dr Surgery, having a screaming child in the car…my thoughts drifted to Star Trek – Voyager and the holographic doctor. More specifically the one instrument that was always present the hyper-spray. In that moment I wished for the utopia (or alternative) future where hyper-sprayers were readily used.

One little spssst sound and you would be all done, no jabbing, no bleeding and no screaming. Nothing can alleviate a mother’s worry and nervousness relating to immunisation…but…but what the hyper-spray would stop is the crack formed in a mother’s heart upon hearing their child scream in pain. Bring on the Star Trek future……even if we do not “boldly go where no man has gone before”, at least we could some of the gadgets.


My poor little boy is suffering, he is in so much pain….every time he moves his legs there is a burst of pain….followed by a high pitch whimper, even in his sleep.

I’ve had to give him baby Panadol and I’ve held a cold face cloth against the needle wounds… I just hope that this will help him.

****2nd Update****

Well that seemed to have worked…he is now babbling away in his cot and smiling when I go to check up on him even kicking his legs around. What a relief it has taken me about 2 hours to write this post. In between I’ve had to help him poo (thanks Flick for the advice, massaging his botty seems to help), try to settle a screaming baby, try to feed him but resorted to giving him Panadol.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


I wake, I’m lying on my right side, I’m in pain.
I rollover onto my back but still I’m in pain.
I roll onto my left side, I’m in pain.
I look at the clock it is 5am…I’m in pain.

I stretch…some relief but it comes back and I’m in pain.
I get out of bed and walk around…no help I’m still in pain.
I drink Mylanta, still in pain.
I drink water, cordial, soda, milk…no still in pain.

It is getting worse and I’m still in pain.
I walk around in a circle rubbing my tummy, it helps for a little but I’m still in pain.
I sit on the couch, my right leg tucked under my left, I’m still in pain.
I my elbow rests on the couch and my body is scrunched over, I’m still in pain.

I throw up my dinner, still in pain.
I ride the porcelain bus 6 more times and still in pain.
I wash my mouth out, shower change and still in pain.

It has been 5 hours and still I’m in pain.
Tim rubs my back, whilst I’m scrunched helps a little but I’m still in pain.
I try pain killers no help as I’m still in pain.

I eventually go to the Doctors just to be poked and prodded all the while in pain.
I have a blood test, ultrasound and still I’m in pain.

I passed a Gall Stone, and it seems that my Gall Bladder needs to be removed as it is full of stones.
The pain has moved, into my heart…my baby…my poor little baby…I need to have this surgery…will he remember me? Will he miss me? Will Tim be able to cope?

Monday, October 16, 2006

2 Months

It doesn’t seem real that our little Jordan is two months old…here is an update (I copied this format from Nico..I hope that you don’t mind).

Growth check: At birth Jordan’s statistics were:
Weight = 2.72kg
Length = 51cm

At his 8 week check up his statistics are:
Weight = 4.4kg
Length = 56cm

Tummy-time: To start with Jordan hated tummy time…cried and cried, but I preserved and slowly introduced him to tummy time. He doesn’t mind it now, but as soon as he starts cracking it we stop the play. There was one day where he rolled over; yes rolled over…I know I know that it is too early. We had a rolled up towel under his arms and he lifted his hip and head and just rolled over. I think that I was more shocked and excited than we was…as he scared himself and started crying.

Focus: Jordan loves anything with lights; he sometimes just stares at the lights. He does follow me around the room and likes looking at the pictures in a book, if we have time to read to him.

Hearing: Jordan definitely knows my voice, if someone is holding him and I say something then he will turn his head towards me. He also recognises Tim’s voice. Jordan pulls the cutest face when he hears a new sound…he cocks his head from side to side with a stunned look on his face.

Smiles: We get a lot more smiles these days…just this morning I walked into his room and said good morning and was greeted with a cute smile and a gurgle. He will smile to anyone that is talking to him. But he reserves his cutest smiles for us.

Speech: Jordan loves to talk, right this minute he is in his cot, babbling away. He will talk to us and we will mimic him back but he prefers to be on his own and sing out aloud for the whole house to hear. The other morning I was woken up to loud babbling rather than crying…which in itself is a great achievement. The most active time his either straight after a feed or after a poo. He likes to sing and babble his praises of a job well done in soiling his nappy.

Feeding: As you all know I’ve struggled with feeding him, knowing when to increase his formula, but I think that we have finally doing ok. Jordan will go 5-6 hours at night and 3-4 hours during the day, between feeds. He is not throwing up as much and he settles right down after the feed. At night he drinks 180ml’s and during the day it is between 150-180ml’s. Eyes: I think that Jordan will have Tim’s eye colour, they have changed to a light blue and they appear to be getting lighter. I don’t know if they will stay this way.

Sleeping: We are lucky very lucky, Jordan has always slept really well at night. Last night he woke after 4 hours, I put the dummy in thinking that it might settle him for an hour or so but he slept another 3 hours….yes he went 7 hours between feeds last night… During the day he is not too bad, he seems to catnap a lot an hour here, then a little play then another hour there. There are still times where I will let him sleep on me, when I know he has not slept enough during the day.

Half the time I let him sleep on me; for my own comfort and not his. I love cuddling this little boy of ours and the most cherished times are when he is sleeping on me.

Crying: Jordan has developed some new cries, they are definitely new ones. We still have the hungry demanding, ear bleeding cries, we still have the tired half arsed one. The other morning I brought Jordan into our room and Tim sneezed whilst Jordan was snoozing, this was the first time we heard the scared…surprised cry. Tim was so upset, I caught him wiping his eyes after we had settled him again.

There is also the chin wobble cry…it starts with a chin wobble then a pouted mouth, moving onto a frown followed with a high pitch whine that moves onto a cry….this one always breaks our hearts as it means that he is sad, hurt or really upset. Not pissed off…the pissed of screech does not break our hearts. Oh and we now have tears…oh how I hate those tears…

I still sometimes ask Tim if this little boy is ours, and pinch myself all the time. It is hard for me to believe that Tim and I created this cute little boy. I feel blessed and honoured to have been given this dream. I cherish each and every day. I’m not that religious but as of late, I find myself thanking God for this little miracle known as my son.
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Sunday, October 01, 2006

Bath Tub

The following is a lesson on how to fill a baby’s bath tub with water. There are many ways this task can be competed and here are a few:

1) First you add the baby bath solution, I recommend the “Johnson’s baby bedtime bath”. Then you fill the water with one bucket of cold water and one bucket of hot. This will create the optimum temperature for the bath along with nice bubbles. Of course however you will not be able to wash the babies face as the water already contains the soap.

2) Another option is to first fill the bath tub with water, using the same method of one bucket cold water and the second bucket with hot water. By adding in the bath solution after the water is in the tub you will not have a nice bubble bath affect.

3) This is my preferred approach to filling in the bath tub, first I fill the bath tub with cold water and then I gradually add in the hot water all the while measuring the temperature. I prefer that my babies bath water be between 38°C and 40°C.

4) I have also been known to fill the bath tub by first working out the optimum temperature of the water and then running it into the bath.

I hope that you all enjoyed my little lesson on filling a bath tub with water, I’m sure that there are many different ways of completing this task.

But if anything this post just really illustrates how different parenting styles can differ between a husband and a wife, for example, when feeding I prefer to burp Jordan 3 times during a feed and this works for me. Tim waits until Jordan takes a break from the bottle to burp him.

Another example is if Jordan is unsettled I will let him cry for a little while, until he is very upset and then I simply go into his room, let him know Mummy loves him and give Jordan the dummy…and he falls to sleep. Tim prefers to let Jordan “cry it out” until he falls asleep. I can’t do that…it breaks my heart when Jordan has tears…I hate the tears.

Tim believes that I let Jordan get away with everything and that I’m over protective and I sometimes think that Tim is a little too harsh with Jordan.
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I had to do it, there was no avoiding it this time. It took a lot out of me to finally say “No more it is enough!”

My sister has been spending up big on JJ, even while pregnant we were receiving gifts constantly. Every time I saw her there was something new and while we appreciated each and every purchase it became a joke and I felt like there was an agenda behind the “presents”.

It turned out that there was an agenda. About 2 weeks before JJ was born my sister and Ellie came over for a visit and yet again she had another gift, I can’t remember what it was but we thanked her kindly and asked her to stop. The conversation turned to the Christening (of my yet unborn son), she was desperate to know the details…who would be coming, when we would hold the event, which church and where the lunch would be…and of course who would be the God Parents.

Tim and I had already decided that Ellie would be JJ’s God mother and his best friend would be the God Father. This did not go down well with my sister…she was itching to have the privilege…and I knew deep in my heart that this was the reason for all the gifts. This may sound harsh but wait there is more to the story.

The next day I received and phone call from my brother in law…saying “how dare I ask Ellie to be the God mother, as she is underage”. My family it seems believe that a request to be a Religious God mother automatically means that I’m asking people to be the Legal Guardian in case something happens.

My Brother in law then went onto say that my sister had noticed that all the gifts that we had received from them have been thrown away. It seems as though my sister was snooping around JJ’s room and because I had packed away a few things, she automatically assumed that I threw them away. Or…or..wait for this…she was stiring the pot as she was pissed that I hadn’t asked her to be JJ’s God mother.

In the hospital we received yet more gifts from my sister, this time Tim kindly but forcefully said “Thankyou …blah…we appreciate all the gifts, but please no more”. Tim and I worked out recently that she would’ve spent over $800 on JJ and we feel uncomfortable with the constant purchases.

So today she turned up with yet another plastic bag with her latest purchase for JJ. I refused to accept the gift, wouldn’t even look in the bag. She tried to force it into Tim’s hands but he too refused it. She then placed the bag into JJ’s room, where I removed it and gave it straight to Ellies hand, telling my sister that we had explained that whilst the thoughts and gifts were appreciated..we had asked her NOT to buy anything else. Her response was what is she going to do with the baby stuff. I replied that Ellie can take it back to the store for a refund and then she can purchase herself some thing.

I haven’t had to be a bitch like this towards my sister but it seems that since JJ has been born I’ve finally grown the balls to stick up for my convictions, and you know what….it felt good and I was really proud of myself.