To my darling husband over the last few weeks we have discussed our dreams and hopes for the future and our growing desire for a baby. I know how much you want this cycle to work and I’m so very sorry that I have let you down up till now. January will mark the start of our 4th year of trying and I know that is sucks, I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.
To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.
I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…
To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.