Friday, November 04, 2005

Planning ahead

In my mind I’m already planning ahead, I’ve automatically assumed that I’m not pregnant and I’ve already worked out that I can get one more cycle in before Christmas…and guess what?? I’ve already assumed that the next cycle will fail as well.

I want to call Dr New and arrange an appointment just before Christmas, the last time I saw him (at the start of this cycle) he mentioned that we would do 3 OI cycles together and then I would be off to have surgery….to have my stomach stapled…which has now got me convinced that I can’t fall pregnant without this drastic surgery….What is with that?

I’ve also already packed my prescriptions to drop off at the chemist on the way home from work today, so that they can order my goodies for the next cycle…which again I assume is going to fail.

I haven’t got my period, I haven’t done a HPT…I actually don’t have any in the house and have made no plans to buy one…my p4 levels are nice and high and yet here I am expecting to call Dr New’s office on Monday saying that I got my period over the weekend…is my mind bringing my period on..all by itself? You know the whole mind over matter shit…..am I unconsciously making myself not fall pregnant?

Maybe it is time to see J (the kinesiologist) again and see what deep dark feelings I’m hiding from myself as I obviously have no fear anymore that it won’t work…as during the night I have convinced myself that it hasn’t worked….maybe that is my new fear that it will work….but how can that be…I want a baby…don’t I?

3 comments:

Bugsy said...

Over the years I have been told, "A plan is progress" and having a plan does help me feel like I am progressing, even if my destination is not in sight yet. Appointments can be happily cancelled if a Positive HPT intervenes. Medications, although expensive, can be disposed of, if no longer required, but, as they say, a plan for "What ifs" is priceless.

I also find that convincing myself that the cycle hasn't worked helps me to keep my hopes down, and somehow, it convinces me that I won't be so upset when\if the cycle doesn't work (although I am not sure this theory works).

And you know what hun? You can work all you like on grounding yourself, keeping your hopes under control and planning or the next and subsequent cycles - cause we are all here, crossing our fingers and toes and getting our hopes up for you. It is, after all, what you always do for everyone else.

So I will stop waffling on, and keep my fingers tightly crossed for you, and staring at those wonderful results you got. You plan - cause I am dreaming for you.

Good luck.

Kim said...

I've been worrying about that lately too. I don't believe that I will get pregnant but I just keep going through the motions. Is this what is stopping me from getting pregnant? Am I wacked for thinking that? Have I given up?

Really I think this is just our way of protecting ourselves from the pain, but I do wonder what the true side effects are of presumed failure. I hope J can help you work things out.

*hugs*

April said...

Thinking of you.

I also did the calculations today - maybe I can squeeze in another cycle before Christmas, not that I think it will work, of course.