In my mind I’m already planning ahead, I’ve automatically assumed that I’m not pregnant and I’ve already worked out that I can get one more cycle in before Christmas…and guess what?? I’ve already assumed that the next cycle will fail as well.
I want to call Dr New and arrange an appointment just before Christmas, the last time I saw him (at the start of this cycle) he mentioned that we would do 3 OI cycles together and then I would be off to have surgery….to have my stomach stapled…which has now got me convinced that I can’t fall pregnant without this drastic surgery….What is with that?
I’ve also already packed my prescriptions to drop off at the chemist on the way home from work today, so that they can order my goodies for the next cycle…which again I assume is going to fail.
I haven’t got my period, I haven’t done a HPT…I actually don’t have any in the house and have made no plans to buy one…my p4 levels are nice and high and yet here I am expecting to call Dr New’s office on Monday saying that I got my period over the weekend…is my mind bringing my period on..all by itself? You know the whole mind over matter shit…..am I unconsciously making myself not fall pregnant?
Maybe it is time to see J (the kinesiologist) again and see what deep dark feelings I’m hiding from myself as I obviously have no fear anymore that it won’t work…as during the night I have convinced myself that it hasn’t worked….maybe that is my new fear that it will work….but how can that be…I want a baby…don’t I?