Sunday, September 18, 2005

All sorts

I tried to keep a level of animosity with this blog, but it really hasn’t worked. I didn’t use my nickname for a while, but then started to. I still refer to my husband as Mimi, which is can come across as strange to others. But that is my nickname for him, and I think that it is about time that I introduced his real name and an explanation for Mimi.

We are of a Hungarian decent and speak it often at home Mimi’s real name if Tibor a typical Hungarian name. But he hates it, when he was growing up no-one could pronounce it so he changed it to Tim, that’s what everyone calls him. Expect for the old’s and when Ellie and Tina were young they could say Tibi (which is the nickname to Tibor) they said Bibi and then I got Mimi. From now on I shall refer to my husband as Tim.

For some reason I’m not really coping at all today, all I really want to do is just dive into my bed and just escape the world for the day. Escape into one of my romance books that I can’t seem to get enough of, or into one of the many teenage movies I own. But I can’t it is Tim’s birthday tomorrow and we are expecting a series of visitors all afternoon.

Up until today I thought that I was coping ok with this cycle but when I woke up this morning I was just all depressed and filled with THE question of ‘WHEN”. I hate feeling like this and no amount of wishing will help me get to my destination.

I had tried to let go of my fear (here) but I worry that it has crept back in, and if I’m really honest I am scared shitless right now. I’m not really scared about not ever having a child as Tim and I have a plan. I’m scared about this cycle..of falling pregnant again and having another miscarriage, of tomorrow or whenever I find out that my e2 levels have dropped again. Of not seeing a nice big juicy mother of a follicle when I have a scan. Of giving Dr New unconditional blind faith that he has my best interests at heart as he is monitoring my cycle himself.

People say to stay positive but I’ve never been a positive person ever…it is too hard to be positive..but I agree with these people on the outside and say stupid things like “I know that this will happen for me”. But internally I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not give into all my fears. Is it normal to be this scared? I haven’t even ovulated yet and I’m scared that I’m going to loose another Bobim. Are other infertiles this shit scared also, or is it just me? How can you stay positive?

What makes it so right in this world that infertiles know what e2, p4 hCG beta levels, FSH, LH , EWCM all these acronyms stand for and what your respective numbers means?

One of my favourite sayings is “Ignorance is bliss” and honestly I would rather be ignorant of all those words and meanings than have to go through this shit. How is it right that I have to get instructions of when to ‘do it’ with my husband, the whole aspect of making love to reproduce is not even involved in the equation. Or that my stomach is riddle with little bruise from when I have to inject myself? (A whole separate post on that one to follow)


Bugsy said...

Oh hun. I am having a real "When' day myself today. (please ignore my email. If I had known you felt as bad as I did I never would have sent it to you).

I think it is totally normal to feel the way you do. But you know what? I was terrified about getting pregnant again (and losing another baby), but when I got pregnant with Tukka, I suddenly lost that fear. Then it became just getting through each day. So tell yourself that you will get through today first and then start working on getting through tomorrow.

I know this cycle is going slower than you expected, but you do have a plan. You are being monitored carefully (more than he is doing for me), and you have to trust that this will mean he is doing exactly what is needed for you.

I hope I have made some sense. I have been thinking of you all day. Take care hun.

betty said...

I know chicken I know. It just sux. I am scared too. We all are because our life plan has been filled with uncertainy. Thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon.

Anita said...

Oh yes I know those days. I had one starting Friday afternoon listening to Michael Jacksons "Man in the Mirror" (that songs brings out the tears without fail), and believe it or not it was still going until yesterday morning when D. put me back in my spot and told me that only me has control over me and that crying and feeling depressed was not helping.

I am feeling for you Mari, if crying helps let it all out but you must get back up and keep going as we are going to get there. Repeat after me.....'I am going to have my very own baby'! and again....

And yes deep down inside I am scared that it may never happen but I try not to think about that too much.