Bugsy asked the hard question the other day…How are YOU doing?...it took me a few days to get enough courage to write about things but the answer to that question is that I’m OK…if I take it day to day I’m ok.
I can now come clean with everything that will be happening as most of my family knows and those that have not been told do not read this blog.
I’m going back to work…I don’t want to and it took me a good week and a great counselling session to work through all the anxiety. I am ok with it now and even looking forward to it.
Living from pay to pay is not easy, living on such a strict budget is also very tough. So the extra money will help for the moment. Initially I will be back 3 days a week and Jordan will be spoilt with the care of both his Grandparents. 2 days my mother will be looking after him and the other Tim’s mum will be looking after him.
I’m still trying to get an understanding for when I will start…work does not know this but it will only be for a short time….3-4 months and the reason for this…we are moving to Queensland.
Tim has been given an opportunity that we just can’t turn our backs on. He will be changing jobs and we will be starting our own Business. The earning potential is significant…very significant and if we play the financial game right this opportunity will set us up for life.
It will give us a chance for the life we have always dreamed off….I would be able to be a Stay at home Mum, I could work part time. The pressure will be off me to be the Bread earner…Tim will be taking on that role. But the down side is that we need to move to Queensland for minimum of 5 years.
My mother was snooping the other day and found the many lists I have going regarding this venture…I needed to start writing lists just to survive the anxiety. Whilst they are upset that we will be going…they recognise it is an opportunity that you just can’t give up.
When everything is ready to start, Tim will be heading up to Brisbane first whilst I work off the 3-4 months, in the meantime we are busy packing the house and getting it ready to rent out. The first few months of the venture will be really hard but I’m planning on moving in with my parents with Jordan after the furniture is sent up….at least that way I will not be too lonely and we will be taking it turns to visiting each other on the weekends.
Since the end of January we have known about this opportunity but I really couldn’t talk about it…as we were deciding “If” we would be doing it. Now it is just a matter of “When”.
There are still some really tough days and as you can imagine with such a big huge life decision being made and a baby to look after…you can understand why at times it can be a bit too much (well I hope that you an understand).
The hardest part of having Post Natal Depression is that I’m also infertile…there is already guilt about having a healthy live baby…while still there are so many in the trenches struggling. Then there is the guilt of being Depressed with a healthy living baby…but I have learnt that it is ok to feel this way.
It is getting better, I’ve spent a lot of time talking and working on things and keeping negative people out of my life and it is working. There are still people that I can’t avoid but I can choose how I deal with them and most of the time it is just to walk away.
It is hard to explain how things are…so I will give you an example…the other day for Jordan’s 6 month check up the Mother & Child Heath Care nurse mentioned that Jordan’s weight for his height was in the 25th percentile and it was said in an informative way…not condescending just letting me know (his length is 69cm and weight is 7.7kg), now even weeks later there are times when it creeps into my head that he needs to put on more weight and his is too skinny.
I take something that is innocently said and my mind turns it into something negative and relating it too my bad mothering skills. Now whilst I know that he is NOT underweight…and I KNOW that he is healthy…my mind likes to make it out that I’m the worst mother ever to walk this earth.
But I have learnt and it is even so very hard to write these words…but I’m starting to believe that “I am a great mother”.