Friday, September 30, 2005
e2 = 593
p4 = 44.3
I had a Pregnyl booster injection last night (1500iu) then was told to have sex last night, tonight and Saturday. Not sure why but am following Dr New's orders. I'm very happy with those numbers and looking back over my previous stimmed cycles my p4 levels around the same time has never been above 32...I wonder if this is a good sign?
I have another e2 and p4 blood test on Monday.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
My bruise has gone just in time for another blood test tomorrow, where I don’t find out the results until Friday…sigh!
We only managed to ‘do it’ twice on Saturday just before ovulation. Didn’t manage it on Sunday nor Monday, but that’s a whole different story. I know that I did ovulate early Sunday morning due to the pain in my left ovary. Fingers are crossed that there were still enough ‘guys’ present to fertilise. But who knows, it is just a matter of waiting, which I have no patiences for.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Things are sure moving along really quickly now. I’ve taken a photo of my arm as the bruise is hideous, it has never been this bad...sigh....the things we infertile do and put up with!
I came out of a 1.5 hr meeting to find 3 missed calls on my mobile from Dr New’s office. Dr New wanted me to go for an internal ultrasound today, at the time it was 12:30pm. As she (Dr New’s secretary) was telling me this I was sitting at my desk opening and closing my mouth like a fish…..how the hell was I going to get to Clayton for a scan, today. But she had booked me into Epworth hospital in Richmond, which also has IVF offices.
All I'm going to say about getting there is FUCKING FOOTY FUCKING TRAFFIC. Walking 5 blocks in heals to get a Tram.
But it was worth the walk as here are the scan results:
Uterus lining good (can’t remember the number)
1 smallish endo cyst...never seen that before
Right Ovary = 14mm dominant follicle with 10 4-8 mm follicles
Left Ovary = had two 15mm dominant follicles with 15 4-7 mm follicles (WOW)
Oh and e2 = 595 (from yesterdays blood test)
On the tram back to work I was stressing that they would cancel the cycle with so many dominant follicles and they were / are smallish. I’ve heard that 18-22 is the ideal size and that they grow 2mm every day.
But the cycle is going a head, I’m to have one more 150ui Gonal-f tonight then 5000ui Pregnyl tomorrow, then intercourse Saturday, Sunday and Monday with an e2 and p4 blood test next Thursday.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I'm to continue with 150ui of gonal-f until and including Thursday where I will have another e2 in the morning to find out the results on Friday.
I'm so glad that my levels went up and a nice big jump to, I did tell Dr New that I only respond well to Gonal-f if the dosage is higher than 112.5. As I had tried, 37.5, 75 and 112.5. 150 was the right number of me each time. Oh well, I suppose he had to learn the hard way...but do you think that I have the right to say to him "I told you so?"
Sunday, September 18, 2005
I tried to keep a level of animosity with this blog, but it really hasn’t worked. I didn’t use my nickname for a while, but then started to. I still refer to my husband as Mimi, which is can come across as strange to others. But that is my nickname for him, and I think that it is about time that I introduced his real name and an explanation for Mimi.
We are of a Hungarian decent and speak it often at home Mimi’s real name if Tibor a typical Hungarian name. But he hates it, when he was growing up no-one could pronounce it so he changed it to Tim, that’s what everyone calls him. Expect for the old’s and when Ellie and Tina were young they could say Tibi (which is the nickname to Tibor) they said Bibi and then I got Mimi. From now on I shall refer to my husband as Tim.
For some reason I’m not really coping at all today, all I really want to do is just dive into my bed and just escape the world for the day. Escape into one of my romance books that I can’t seem to get enough of, or into one of the many teenage movies I own. But I can’t it is Tim’s birthday tomorrow and we are expecting a series of visitors all afternoon.
Up until today I thought that I was coping ok with this cycle but when I woke up this morning I was just all depressed and filled with THE question of ‘WHEN”. I hate feeling like this and no amount of wishing will help me get to my destination.
I had tried to let go of my fear (here) but I worry that it has crept back in, and if I’m really honest I am scared shitless right now. I’m not really scared about not ever having a child as Tim and I have a plan. I’m scared about this cycle..of falling pregnant again and having another miscarriage, of tomorrow or whenever I find out that my e2 levels have dropped again. Of not seeing a nice big juicy mother of a follicle when I have a scan. Of giving Dr New unconditional blind faith that he has my best interests at heart as he is monitoring my cycle himself.
People say to stay positive but I’ve never been a positive person ever…it is too hard to be positive..but I agree with these people on the outside and say stupid things like “I know that this will happen for me”. But internally I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not give into all my fears. Is it normal to be this scared? I haven’t even ovulated yet and I’m scared that I’m going to loose another Bobim. Are other infertiles this shit scared also, or is it just me? How can you stay positive?
What makes it so right in this world that infertiles know what e2, p4 hCG beta levels, FSH, LH , EWCM all these acronyms stand for and what your respective numbers means?
One of my favourite sayings is “Ignorance is bliss” and honestly I would rather be ignorant of all those words and meanings than have to go through this shit. How is it right that I have to get instructions of when to ‘do it’ with my husband, the whole aspect of making love to reproduce is not even involved in the equation. Or that my stomach is riddle with little bruise from when I have to inject myself? (A whole separate post on that one to follow)
Friday, September 16, 2005
1st e2 = 114
2nd e2 = 199
3rd e2 = 235
4th e2 = 221
waiting for a call back with instructions.... please don't cancel the cycle, please don't cancel....
shit, slowly going insane....oh god
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I just want to have the internal u/s, I have a great sense of accomplishment when I see my nice big follicles present on the screen. I just hope that they are growing nicely and because we are taking it slow the egg quality will be better.
End_Result - thanks for your comment about going slowly, it really helped. I'm just so used to an OI cycle going by so quickly. But now I think that maybe that was my problem in the first place and could be a reason for all the Chemical pregnancies (to be read as miscarriages)
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I’m trying not to analyse the results but to be honest it is hard not to, when comparing the other OI cycles my e2 levels are really low. But I trust that Dr new knows what he is doing, it feels good getting my instructions from his directly rather than through a nurse. I also wonder if the Metformin is affecting my e2 levels, see there I go again comparing, wondering, stressing about something that I’m not even educated in.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Whilst I started this blog sometime ago, I have been a phantom in the blog world for almost 2 years. It started with a post on EB where someone had linked to Terita’s blog. After reading the relevant post I was hooked, I mean who couldn’t be!
To my dismay or Terita’s I then proceed to copy every single post of hers to a word document so that I could print it out to read on the train and I mean every single post. At the time I was very early into my infertility issues and the one thing that has stuck with me was the same sense of drive, which is that I will not let fate dictate whether or not I will have a child. I will stand my ground shaking my fist at fate “You will not get the best of me; I’m not through with this fight yet!”
So this morning like every morning I read all my blogs, where I came across this post:
Some people get driven to their destinations in a limo; some people have to drive themselves. Others need to take a cab, some are forced to take trains or hitch hike. And some of us had to walk barefoot, along a long and lonely road, in the blistering sun watching everyone else whizzing past with relative ease. You could say “does it matter how you get there, what matters is that you have arrived?” To me, it does matter. Yes I have arrived at the same place as everyone else, but I cannot forget how I got there. See the scares on my feet? They tell a tale of my journey here. I can’t pretend that they do not exist; they are a part of who I am.
I may not be there yet and it may take me awhile to get to my destination but these words have haunted me most of the day, and with Terita’s permission I have posted them here and I think that I might even add some of the words to my profile. I could not have said it any better.
Can anyone pass me a band-aid, my feet a sore?
I’m happy to take things slowly, part of me doesn’t really feel like I’m cycling we do the injections at night but I haven’t really given it much thought at all. A totally different experience this time around.
Orders are to continue injecting 112.5ui of Gonal-f Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, another e2 blood test on Thursday morning but to call Dr New Friday for more instructions.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
One more gonal-f injection tonight of 112.5 and then another blood test tomorrow morning. I will call Dr News office tomorrow afternoon for further instructions.
I have not had to hold Mimi’s feet yet (yippee) which I am most grateful for. Friday night Mimi suggested that we have take away so that I didn’t have to cook (last week I choose to have take away on Thursday) which would’ve meant that we would’ve had take away 2 nights in a row.
Something in my snapped and I got up off my arse and cooked dinner, which I am most proud of. I’m hoping that week 2 will be just a good, this morning I woke early deliberately to organise the menu for the next week and organise the shopping list.
So far so good!
Apparently we live in one of the fastest grown areas, there are new house popping up every week. Since we have been living here (8 years now) the area has really changed, it is the ideal location for young families. Even though it is 45km out of the city it is still very popular.
Mimi had to get his license renewed and while I was sitting there waiting for him I was amazed at how many pregnant women, women with baby strollers there were. I was thinking about how brave infertiles are that they able to leave the house. The heart ache that some women must go through walking in these types of shopping centers. I remember back to after my first m/c how hard it was just to walk from shop to shop and how I had a small(ish) panic attack.
I have resigned myself to the fact that finally holding our bobim may not be an easy thing for us to achieve and it may still be a long journey ahead for us. For me it was not that hard to see all those ladies with children or the much desired baby bump. But having said that I am yet to step a foot out side my house since Friday. Could be an unconscious thing?