Saturday, November 26, 2005


Another 2 nights of stims 150 and 112.5 and then Trigger shot on Sunday, we have been told to have sex Sunday and Monday and then another blood test on Thursday, this time e2 and p4.

Friday, November 25, 2005


Just arrived to work from the scan and not really the good news that I was hoping my follies are not growing as expected, but then again how often does my body work as expected???
The results are:
RO = 11mm
LO = 14mm

Now waiting on further instructions.

Even though I mentioned that I didn't think that there was any chance of this cycle working, my fingers are crossed I'm holding my breath (not literally), and I'm nervous yet excited. I want this cycle to happen cause I don't want the surgery, I'm terrified of it and the implications.

I have also decided that after we implement this phase of the project I'm going to start looking for another job. They are already talking about the next phase of implementation and is going to be either the same of worse than it is now and I'm not coping. I'm snapping, exhausted, Tim and I haven't really spoken to each other nor spent time together and it is just too much....too much...I'm only one person and it is just too much for me to handle. But handling it I am right now...but not for too much longer....

Thursday, November 24, 2005


I'm to continue stims until tomorrow where another follicle ultrasound will be taking place...grow follies grow...

Will update tomorrow with the results. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


Let me start by saying that there is a bugger of a chance that this cycle will work, my mind is not on TTC, the demands of my time for my job is ridiculous and I doubt that it will let up at all...the thought of having sex is the last thing on my mind...Every day it feels as though I’m going to a boxing ring, the political games that are occurring astound me…but I digress.

Late yesterday afternoon I got the call that Dr New wanted me to have a follicle scan today….so off I went, the results are not too good but then again I was shocked that he wanted a scan this early in the cycle:
RO = 13f largest being 8mm
LO = 17f largest being 9mm

My guess is that I will be doing a few more days of FSH then trigger this week sometime…I will wait and see.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Cycle update

After a slow start I'm now on 150iu of FSH, I had an e2 blood test on Thursday all looks good and I'm to have another on Monday.

shhhh don't tell anyone but I'm not taking metformin this cycle....for some reason I wanted to try this cycle without....shhhhh mini experiment.

To Bugsy - wishin you a very Happy Birthday today, may this next year bring you the joy you deserve.

The reason for the lack of fucken sucks right now....


To my darling husband over the last few weeks we have discussed our dreams and hopes for the future and our growing desire for a baby. I know how much you want this cycle to work and I’m so very sorry that I have let you down up till now. January will mark the start of our 4th year of trying and I know that is sucks, I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.

To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.

I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…

To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


I'm sorry that I haven't updated, work has been shit.

But I got my period late Tuesday afternoon and I called Dr New yesterday to start the new OI cycle. So now I'm waiting for them to call back so that I can have the baseline blood test.

I am ok with having my period, yes it means another failed cycle and that I'm not pregnant. BUT it means that I have my period...after quickly checking back this year I've only had my period 5 times....yes that's right 5 times, 4 out of the 5 times was due to either having to take drugs to bring on a bleed or due to injections. I've only had 1 period that my body produced all by itself, which took four months coming.

With the glass half full attitude....I would rather have my period arrive than sit here for months on end waiting for it to show by itself. I'm not fooling myself into believing that a failed cycle means is hard, and sucks and I do want my bobim soo fucking much. But part of me is glad to be sitting here suffering cramps....because it means that I can start again soon.....not having to wait months on end....

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


e2 = 298
p4 = 8.0

Now waiting for my period....wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can start again.

Please explain!?!?!?

*****TMI WARNING****

Spotting was really nothing, a couple of little spots on a pad, sent me crazy.. Thanks to Bugsy who has kept me sane over the last day or so.

I only have some light brown, slightly pinkish smudges...when I wipe....and no cramping.

This is so unlike me...

I will get my blood test results this afternoon...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Is this the End??

I've started spotting....tomorrow maybe CD01, I'm still going for the e2, p4 blood test though.

I just knew it...


"another one bites the dust......"

Friday, November 04, 2005

Planning ahead

In my mind I’m already planning ahead, I’ve automatically assumed that I’m not pregnant and I’ve already worked out that I can get one more cycle in before Christmas…and guess what?? I’ve already assumed that the next cycle will fail as well.

I want to call Dr New and arrange an appointment just before Christmas, the last time I saw him (at the start of this cycle) he mentioned that we would do 3 OI cycles together and then I would be off to have surgery….to have my stomach stapled…which has now got me convinced that I can’t fall pregnant without this drastic surgery….What is with that?

I’ve also already packed my prescriptions to drop off at the chemist on the way home from work today, so that they can order my goodies for the next cycle…which again I assume is going to fail.

I haven’t got my period, I haven’t done a HPT…I actually don’t have any in the house and have made no plans to buy one…my p4 levels are nice and high and yet here I am expecting to call Dr New’s office on Monday saying that I got my period over the weekend…is my mind bringing my period on..all by itself? You know the whole mind over matter shit… I unconsciously making myself not fall pregnant?

Maybe it is time to see J (the kinesiologist) again and see what deep dark feelings I’m hiding from myself as I obviously have no fear anymore that it won’t work…as during the night I have convinced myself that it hasn’t worked….maybe that is my new fear that it will work….but how can that be…I want a baby…don’t I?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Look at this...LOOK!!!

CD27 and 9DPO

I got my results earlier for my blood test yesterday:

e2 = 2187
p4 = 103

Can you believe it 103!!!! It has never been this high before...don't know if it is good sign or not and I know it does mean that I' know...but last cycle my p4 was 70.7 at 9DPO and this cycle it is 103 at 8DPO!!! AND it also means that my p4 level jumped from 17 last Friday to 103 yesterday...

All that keeps on going through my mind is 103, 103, 103...WOW I can't believe it.

Next e2 and p4 is on Monday.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Back and cycle update

We arrived back from our trip late yesterday afternoon, we had such a lovely time just the two of us. A good way to switch off and just enjoy our own company.

Friday on the way to Mildura I got my blood test results for 3 DPO:
- e2 = 800
- p4 = 17

A good sign that I ovulated...yay!

I had another Trigger shot on Friday...hehehehe had to carry the ampules, syringe, needles and medical swab with us and luckily we had an esky (cooler) to keep the ampules at the right temperature.

I was asked to have a another e2 and p4 on Monday but because I was out of Melbourne I asked to move it to Wednesday. Dr New secretary was astonished that I was not in Melbourne and not willing to cut my trip short just to come back for a blood test. Well that it not really true, Tim and I were willing to change our plans but we have always been advised not to change our life style to fit in with TTC.

But after more phone calls to Dr New it didn't seem to bother him that the blood test would take place tomorrow instead of yesterday.

Today I'm CD25 but 7DPO.