The letter has been written

This letter has been a long time in coming. It has been written and printed. I'm going to sleep on it before sending, because right now I'm so pissed off that I don't care if I never talk to my sister again.

here it is in it's full glory:

There is no other way for me to get in contact with you, as I don’t know when you work, sleep or have a day off.

I have not heard from you regarding if you are attending the twins birthday, but this is no surprise to me; which is sad.

Since the birth of Jordan and his Christening you have not attending ANY other of his special events, whether it was his 1st Birthday or subsequent ones, his first Easter (which was at my house) his first Christmas…etc.

I’m the first to say that I understand that you work at night, and I acknowledge how difficult it is for you. But I will also say that you are not the only person that works at night and others still make an EFFORT to attend special events. Also, just because there is no big elaborate dinner this is no reason for you NOT to come and wish your nephew a Happy Birthday. Actually I’ve tried to make sure that these things occurred in the afternoon too give you enough time to sleep, but again you don’t come. To kids Birthdays are very special events.

Now the same pattern is starting with the Twins you didn’t even come to the hospital when they were born. Do you know how hurt I was, but I don’t think that you care about that. You also didn’t attend their Christening; don’t you feel like you are missing out?

But this behaviour is starting to be expected from you. I almost didn’t invite you to the twin’s birthday party, because I felt that it was not point (you would find an excuse not to come).

Ildi, if the tables were turned and I never attended your kids special days then you would’ve been furious and very upset. But up until now I’ve had to swallow my pride and my feelings and accept the EXCUSES that have been delivered, by your darling daughter and husband. You have NEVER called afterwards to explain why you didn’t attend. It was expected that we had to accept and understand these excuses.

There comes a time in ones life when you have to draw a line and I’m doing that now Ildi. The line is being drawn, because I have to think about my kids and protect them from being hurt. You need to decide to make an effort and be apart of events, you can always sleep later, because if you really loved these kids you would want to be there and be apart of their lives.

What do I say to Jordy, Rylie and Lilly when they see photo’s of their Chirstenings, Birthdays and other events that you have not attended? That their Aunty needed to sleep, that sleep was more important than them? Because believe me that is what they will think and feel.

If you are worried about not knowing anyone or not liking anyone, then you are being extremely selfish. These events are not about you, they are about them…Jordan, Rylan and Lillian. How many years did Joseph and I go to your house where we had no one to talk to? We went for Ellie and Tina, because it was special for them. Plus I never cared if there was no one for me to talk to, because I was there for them and always for you.

This letter has been a long time in coming and we have a tradition in our family to not talk about things. But I welcome you to come and talk to me, I’ve made the first step here.

It seems that you will make the effort to attend a strangers Christening, but you can’t decide if you are going to attend the twins Birthday….how does that make sense?

Returning to work

December 14th 2009 saw me return to full time employment.

From the time the decision was made to start looking for a job to the date I started working was a matter of only 2 weeks. It all happened so very quickly. So quickly in fact that I barely had time to prepare, (which in hindsight was a good thing in part).

I started this post with describing all the questions / comments that have been thrown at me, with regards to the decision to return back to work. After I read the words written, I was disgusted with how this decision has been treated and I didn’t want these negative thoughts and feelings to be present, they simply do not belong here.

Until you have walked in someone’s shoes you will never truly know what it is like to be them or the true extent of their life situation. No matter how I tried to explain to family and friends the reason for returning to work, it would never be enough and I’m not going to try to hash it out again here.

A netball team mate of mine said the words so very simply. “I live in a reality where both my husband and I have work”.

Once again I opened my self up to the hands of the universe who guided me, and I strongly feel that I was meant to go back to work. The job role was not even advertised and it was exactly what I was looking for. The salary is 50% more than what I was previously earning. The kids have settled in very quickly.

All the signs say to me that it was meant to be, got a really great job, the money is fantastic, the location is great (right in the heart of the city in a beautiful building), the kids are settled.

I could sit here and be depressed and worry about “those poor kid in Child Care”, I could allow myself to feel the full extent of my guilt. Which is weird, why should I feel guilty for working to better my family’s life? My husband can’t do it by himself, why am I expecting him to bear the burden for supporting all of us? Now that is something I SHOULD feel guilty about, not me working again!!!

This is my reality and I’m embracing it, because if I don’t then the negativity will destroy me.

I don't know how you do it

This has been said to so many times, that I’ve just taken to shrugging this comment off. What can I say to that? Not much!

I’ve had friends that try to sympathise with me by saying that they struggle with only having one child and then they shake theirs heads and say “I don’t know how you do it with 3 kids”.

What I would like to say and have said:
- Its hard but you cope
- I don’t have a clean house, there are toys everywhere
- You just adapt and do it
- Your not going to let a child cry so you quickly learn to feed both babies at once
- I have a wonderful husband and great support from my Mum.

The reality is that there is not enough time in the day to do everything that needs to get done. I try to do laundry once a week, but it was hell with our small washing machine (have since purchased a larger one). Hanging the clothes out to dry is an accomplishment, bringing them in may take another week. Once inside it may not be put away. So sometimes we live out of the cleaned laundry basket.

I do cook dinner every night (once a week we have take away) and have learnt that the best meals for us are those that I can put in the oven to cook on its own; we use a timer to keep track of when we need to flip/stir/baste/whatever.

I now do my grocery shopping on-line and dearly thank my sister in law for convincing me it was the way to go. Where possible I also buy in bulk.

Cleaning the house suffers and I sometimes cringe at the thought of people coming into my home. I recently apologised to my dear friend LB about the state of my home and her reply was perfect “I came to visit you not your house”. I’ve learnt that there are friends who really don’t care what your house looks like, but then there are family that come in look around and sniff with disapproval; needless to say they don’t come over often. Ellie recently came over to look after the kids so that I could clean and she promptly said “You are not expecting Queen to come and you have 3 kids so relax”. But it is hard to relax when people come to visit, there is a social expectation that you house must be spotless.

We wash the dishes once a day, sure they pile up and it looks unsightly and honestly I could wash them when the twins sleep. But instead Jordy and I spend that sleep time with one on one play. We draw, play with playdo, do crafts, play board games, go out into the garden. Or I start preparing dinner. Living in Melbourne we are in a drought so I feel that only using water once a day (instead of every time a dish is used) is my way of being water conscious. As much dishes as possible is put into the dish washer, but large pots and pans I still wash by hand.

We are all clean and well fed, our clothes are clean (may not have been put away, but they are clean). We try to spend quality time with each of the kids, so my house is not the cleanest and I have dirty dishes on the counter. But at the end what will my children remember? A clean house with every dish staked away, clothes in the right place or the time Mummy and Daddy have spent with them?

This is the way “I do it” with 3 kids. It may not be the best way but it is my way of coping.

A quick update

It is hard to find the time to write blog posts anymore, as I’m enjoying being a Mum to my kids. There are days when it feels like I’m just treading water but then there are other days when it is like a nice walk in the park.

Rylan and Lillian are on the move now, rolling around everywhere. The really only started to move last week and there have been many bumped heads, arms stuck and screaming when they can’t roll back.

They are so cute to watch and it is amazing how quickly they can move off the rug / blanket that I’ve put down.

What I really want to remember are the times when I could be in the kitchen and I hear Rylan screaming shouting and I rush over to see Lilly with a huge grin on her face has she is happily pulling Rylies ears or hair!

Then when it is Lilly’s turn to scream Rylan has rolled on over and is kicking her head or body. People have asked me why I don’t separate them. The funny thing is that they start of at separate ends of the rug and eventually they rollover to each other.

Also love seeing the tug-of-war on toys and sees who wins. There are no tears….yet, but it is still so cute on how they interact with each other.

I know that I’m lucky with how well these two sleep and they really sleep anywhere (even on the beach in a pram whilst on holidays). They are down to two sleeps during the day (sometimes three if they haven’t slept much) and are now both eating very well on solids.

Rylan was a late starter the solids, refused to have anything until just after 6 months old. I started Lilly on solids at 4 months as she started waking through the night for a feed.

My little girl is still small but I like have a petite little one. Some of her clothes are still 000 but she now wears more 00. Last weighing (at six months) she was 6kg and 62cm.

We love love love having a chubby little Buddha (as we call him), you can love him hard, squish him and play a little rough. At 6 months he weighed in at 7.6kg and 68cm, he is now wearing size 0 clothes.

After a little jealousy Jordan really enjoys them, especially Rylie and especially in the car. Most times Lilly is fast asleep and I have two both giggling and laughing at each other. At least it is laughter and not fighting….yet!

We have also finally been able to move Jordy out of nappies and into underwear, except during the sleep time. But nap time and most mornings the nappy is dry. There have been many accidents but mostly it has been a very quick transition.

To be honest though it took a little bit of what I like to call ‘tough love’. Jordan and I had been discussing (read arguing) him wearing undies but he refused to even think about it. I even let him pick out the potty, underwear, read books on potty training…everything that I was told to do. Catch him when he is doing a poo…all that with no success.

Just before bath time every night we would ask if he needed to go to the potty and he happily went with no fuss, so we knew that he could do it. I think that he just had the power and said no…and we gave in…who knows?

There was one morning when I had convinced him to wear his Spiderman underwear and he wore it for half the day, we had 4 accidents. I made no fuss at all, quickly cleaned him up and put on another pair. But after nap time we went out and he refused to change out of the nappy.

I left it for a week, the next Monday I calmly put the nappies away and told him that they were for sleep time and that he was now a big boy and to wear undies…oh the screaming, crying and tantrum, he was crying for the nappy. I stood my ground and gave him two options (this is the tough love part) either undies or naked, I was firm about it as I felt that I needed to be. He didn’t like either, but eventually put on a pair of undies and was distracted by the twins. This who episode of crying took about 30 minutes until he forgot about it all and was laughing at Lilly.

We had more success than accidents and by Thursday that week there were no more accidents. I’m not used to having a toddler in underwear and forget that I need to ask him often if he needs to go to the toilet. Most of the accidents are simply because I forget that he still needs to be reminded.

Most of the time now he simply runs to the potty does his business, empties into the toilet, washes his hands and tells me that he is good boy as he did “Pisi (wee’s) in the potty”.

I had honestly tried every technique that was suggested in the books, magazines and on line. I even went to a potty training seminar run by my local council and was told to be calm and encouraging. It didn’t work for us, I needed to be a little tough and firm with him, perhaps I could be classed as a bad mother or a tough bitch, I don’t know.

Worth it all

If there is anyone that still reads this blog and is going through any type of fertility treatment, either for their first child or additional children. It is worth all the pain, waiting, treatments, Dr appointments, ultrasounds, disappointments, joy and hope.

To see my Jordy playing with Rylan and making him laugh makes my heart almost burst out of my chest with love and fulfillment.

IT is worth it all.

Some Gadgets

There have been two items that we have bought since the twins were born that have made a big impact in our lives.

The first is TIVO, we love our Tivo…sure it is connected to the TV and is just a means to record TV (a DVR) but for us it is a lot more. We have programmed TiVo to record Jordy’s favourite program, so while he is away / sleeping / playing or at child care Tivo will record Bob, Thomas and other shows that he likes.

How has this helped? Well when you are trying to feed two babies at once it is very difficult to keep your toddler at bay. We had a lot trouble with Jordy literally crawling all over me when I was feeding and it didn’t matter who I was feeding. He just chose at that point to want a cuddle. Now we just simply pop on Chugginton, Bob, Finley anything that TiVo has taped for him to watch while we are feeding.

Plus the added bonus is that if we are watching something and one for the kids cry then we can pause live TV, for up to half an hour and the and fast forward the adds.

The second is a small device called an “itzbeen”. There are four buttons on it, one with a picture of a nappy another of a bottle and the third with “zzzz’s” for sleeping. The last button is a spare is it can be used for medication. You simply press any of the buttons and it starts the timer ticking, so it tells you how long it has been since a nappy change, feed or how long they have been asleep or awake.

We have one for Rylan and one for Lilly and it has helped us work out their natural routine. I was forever trying to remember how long it had been between feeds and sleeping and awake times were just too hard to work out and remember. Writing things down became a chore and at one point I even stuck paper to the fridge. Dealing with one baby is hard enough trying to remember all this stuff but when you have two, it is a lot harder and you are forever second guessing and trying to remember all the different times.

With the “itzbeen” you simply have to remember to click a button and the work is done. As soon as we got this gadget we worked out that Lilly could only last 45 minutes awake (she now last up to 2 hours) and we are now is a great routine, both are feeding at the same time and sleeping together as well.

Any friends IRL that are expecting will be receiving this has a gift from us. It was not expensive but the value it has given to us is immeasurable.

Timeline

In this photo I’m 11 years old (1987) and I’ve ventured to Europe by myself for a holiday with my family in Hungary. If I were to pin point where the perception of myself started to change it was after this trip. You see up until this time my nickname from my sister was “Skinny”…and after this trip my mother weighed me and I had put on 6kg…which I think is natural when you are travelling to another country.

I was no longer “skinny”…as I had put on soooo much weight. I distinctly remember being approached in the school yard by some younger kids and directly being asked if it was true that I had put on “that” much weight.

This next photo is taken shortly after this trip and it is a photo of my confirmation.

What do you see?

I see a little girl just starting to grow up, who looks healthy.

In the photo above I’m the one on the far right. I’m between 11 & 13 years old and it is taken at a Hungarian Scout camp. Throughout this time in my life I was constantly being compared to the two girls on my left, who were (as I was told) much skinnier than me.

Looking at this photo now I can’t see anything wrong with my size, but even at this age I was being told that I needed to loose weight and my personal truth was being rewritten.

I’ve cut out all the other girls from this next photo, but at this stage I’m about 14-15 years old and about a size 10 or 12 and in my mind I see myself as being fat.

I’m about 15-16 years old and performing Hungarian Folk dancing, by this age I had learnt how to put on a front and “perform”. I was happy for the camera’s and on the stage, but what my parents really don’t know is that I hated being on the stage. I felt so exposed, especially as I wasn't as thin as some of the other girls on our group.

This next photo is of my Debutant and I’m 16 years old, to prepare for this event my mother made me attend a gym everyday after school and would only feed me salada biscuits as I needed to loose weight. In this photo I think that I’m fat.

Fast forward to my Engagement party I’m 19 years old. Now if I didn’t cope being told that I needed to loose weight from my parents I was now getting it from my soon to be in-laws. I remember showing my mother in-law what I was planning on wearing to the party and she told me that I should not wear the vest or skirt as it made me look fat.

Can you see what she was saying? I sure can’t…

My wedding day (1996)…oh how I hated having photo’s taken off me. Can you believe that my wedding dress is a size 12? Yes that’s right as size 12…I see a young girl who has a little extra weight on her.

Fast froward 7 years to 2003 and I’m 26 years old and Tim and I are in Hungary on a 3 month vacation. After my wedding I really don’t have a lot of photo’s of myself as I think subconsciously I had made other peoples perception of my a reality and I had become the “fat” person.

This is another 2 years later and I think that this is where I’m the heaviest that I’ve ever been.

The last two photo’s are of me in 2006 and just April this year.

I recently had a candid discussion with a dear friend about my weight, you know the saying “Truth hurts”…well some truth was being said to me at the time that I didn’t want to hear. After I got married I piled on the weight and it was no one else fault but my own.

Sure I can easily blame my PCOS condition and the fact that my mother, father, sister and family all through out my childhood told me I was fat, of that I needed to loose some weight. Sure I can easily direct the blame elsewhere and keep my head in the sand, but I don’t want to do that anymore.

My brother and I saw Dr Phil live on Wednesday and there were some messages that really got to me. He spoke about a lot of things and I haven’t even begun to digest all the topics. The one thing though that really made me want to right this post was about Personal Truth.

If from a young age I was being told that I was fat and I was constantly put onto diets to loose weight, then I think that I became the person that I was told I was. I became that fat person, it didn’t matter if I was nice, kind, care, giving, honest and loving. I was TOLD from 11 years old that I was fat, which I didn’t believe.

So as I say I can blame others for that way I look now, but I won’t, sure my personal truth was rewritten by many different people. But I need to take responsibility for the way I look now (and dear friend you were right). I don’t know what this means for me now because I’ve been labelled as the fat girl for so much of my life.

What I want is to be known for the real person I am and not what I look like.

Lilly's Neck - update

Lilly is doing much better now with her neck. It used to be a weekly event where she would be in pain, now it only occurs occasionally and when it does, I no longer rush off to the Osteopath as Tim and I are able to massage it out for her.

She holds her head up really well now, but still does not like a lot of tummy time.