Thursday, March 30, 2006

The night that was..

It was a perfect way to start week 19, but thinking about it now it just feels like a nasty nightmare, something that didn’t happen to me but someone else. Or better yet last night’s events were a clip from the latest horror movie.

Stepping onto the Tram last night I felt a small little twinge where I should, it was centred near my cervix. Really I thought nothing of it, raced for the Train and just made it, got a great seat and settled in for the hour train ride home. Book in hand I started to switch off from work.

About 5 minutes into the journey home I received a very sharp cramp like pain, again in the same area as before, I shuffled in my seat and it seemed not to help, the pain was quiet dull, it actually felt like the Dildocam was stuck up against my cervix…all interfiles know what that feels like.

By the time I got home, the pain had not really moved on, I think that I was just able to tolerate it better. But it didn’t stop me from rushing to the toilet to check for any spotting. Nope nothing and no more CM than there was already…phew I was over-reacting right?

Well, the pain didn’t go away and just seemed to become more consistent, it would come and go and then it would stay. Lying on either side, on my back, sitting with my legs up, legs down, walking…nothing seemed to help. I did what I thought best at the time and call my Mummy. Whom immediately said “Don’t stop at go…proceed directly to Hospital”.

Mimi and I had already discussed whether or not to go to the hospital, but neither of us could make the decision, I’m eternally grateful that my Mummy gave me the kick up the arse to just go.

The 5-minute drive felt like 5 hours, I was scared shitless and kept on saying to Mimi “Everything will be fine, I’m sure it is really just nothing”. I felt as though I had to reassure him, as he was white as a ghost. Last time I had seen him this pale he fainted on me.

I must admit I was fighting tears all throughout the longest wait of my fucking life. But again felt that I had to be strong for Mimi. I also admitted to the nurse and Dr that I felt really stupid for being there as the pain was not that bad…WHO WAS I KIDDING???…I was freakingfuckingout….but I suppose that my Dad was coming through me as whenever he is sick he always says “I’m ok, there is nothing wrong”.

When I did get to see the Dr, and being probed with the million and one questions…all while I was screaming in my mind “PLEASE JUST DO AN ULTRASOUND TO SEE IF BOBIM IS OK”. He started with an examination and felt around for Bobim (all the way through the afternoon and early evening, Bobim was happily kicking and moving around…but still I was stressed). Finding where she/he was the Dr had a listen and when he looked at me, he just smiled as my little one had just delivered an almighty kick to the stethoscope. Bobim was fine, heart beat nice and strong.

So what was wrong??? Well I have an urinary-tract-infection, yes that’s right an UTI, how stupid did I feel when that was announced.

I still shudder at remember the thoughts, those horrible thoughts that went through my mind when we were waiting. I won’t write about them as you can imagine what was going through my mind. I have never in my short 29 years been so scared shitless before in my entire life.. I am finding it hard to put last night’s events out of my mind and move on.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

A big bag of the Guilt's

I’ve been lurking more and more on my old fav Baby website and contributing to the Pregnancy posts, actually anything to do with a baby threads I’m reading.

After keeping away from this site for a long time and living in the Blog world, contributing and reading on pregnancy just makes Bobim feel more real to me.

This morning I thought that I would have a sneak peak at the IF threads. Why is it that I now feel so guilty for lurking there, that I can’t even bring myself to post to questions that I can answer or offer advice to some people that are still on the IF road from hell?

Here I am at work, feeling Bobim kicking away with a small smile on my face, but reading some of the posts makes me feel so very guilty that I am here and not back there holding their hands.

I don’t think that I’ve explained myself very well….

Monday, March 27, 2006

In Awe

It was 3am in the household of Mari when I woke to the usual need to go and relieve my bladder. Before getting up though I felt a little bump and tickle, it was the first time I had felt Bobim at night.

I have one very active little baby and what is so weird is when I’m talking to someone and I feel a bump and tickle, instantly my mind goes to Bobim and my hand reaches for my tummy.

This morning on the way to work I was reading my book and I guess that Bobim also enjoyed the story, as I sure received a lot of little bumps and tickles. I am in awe of this experience, it is so special and so hard to describe, and every little bump and tickle brings on such powerful feelings that really rock me. I feel so very lucky and blessed to have been given this gift.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Week 17 in Review

I'm now 18 weeks and I really hope that this week will be better than the last. I maybe slapped in the face or shot down in the street for this post. This week has been shocking, I hate it that I can't sleep and when I do sleep I'm have nightmares.

I hate it that I can't eat and when I do, I either have heart burn or am dry retching.

I hate it that I'm tired.
I hate it that I'm starting to doubt this baby and this whole pregnancy thing.
It feels like the longest FUCKING 2WW, of my life and I'm only am I going to last till 40 weeks.....
I hate it how time is going by so slowly, I want to find out the sex of my child NOW!

On the plus side, I love it how I feel it move, I love it how I've lost so much weight about 10kg since I found out I was pregnant. I love it how Tim and I are so excited.

So all in all week 17 of this pregnancy was not kind to me!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Bump 'n tickle

It has been a while, a whirlwind weekend filled with everything to do with the dreaded wedding and work, which will never die down. I wonder if my Manager will be calling me when I’m giving birth stressing about something or another.

My biggest news is that I definitely feel movement; I have been for about a week or so, I ignored it up until Sunday as I just thought that it was wind or my hopes of feeling movement. But I asked a good friend of my at the Wedding if it was meant to feel like something was tickling me behind my belly button.

When she screeched and said “Yes, that’s it”. You could not wipe the smile off my face. Every now and then I get this little bump, tickle, and scrap that I just sit there and smile and rub my tummy.

On the Baby room front, we purchased a Baby Gate to keep the cats out and we have come up with a ‘Room renovation plan’. For a number of weeks I’ve felt frantic that I was running out of time and there was so much to do, and I love plans, I like to know what gaols we are trying to achieve. Even TTC I always had plans for the next cycle, it made me feel more settled.

So here is our general plan:
March – Buying the Baby Gate and picking the colour of the paint for the walls
April – Doing the Concreting and the Gate to the side of the house and finally fixing up the garden. I know that this has nothing really to do with Bobim’s room….but we don’t have a Shed and we have kept a number of things in ‘The rooms’ closet that needs to now live in a shed, hence the concreting.
May – Start cleaning the room, washing the walls, carpets, windows. We are also changing the Window, door and closet trims and adding in a Picture rail. This is all to be done in May.
June – Paint and finish the room, including the curtains, wall art and anything else I can think of.
July – Most likely I will be washing all the clothes and putting them away and getting the ready for Bobim

August – All I have planned this month is first packing the bag for the hospital and then giving birth (FUCK…..deep breaths Mari!!!)

OH 3 more weeks till we find out the sex of Bobim!!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Second OB appointment

Monday morning I had my second OB appointment, sitting in the waiting room I didn’t know what to expect at all. There were all these Pregnant women and women with kids around me and still I felt uncomfortable.

The OB’s midwife is fantastic, remembered me from 6 weeks early and remembered my frantic phone call relating to my constipation episode. It was a nice feeling being remembered.

I had lost 5kgs in 6weeks since I’d been at the Clinic, which amazed both of us, shouldn’t pregnant women put on weight?

My Blood pressure was 130/70 I was told that this is goo; my urine test on site was fine for protein and sugar content. My blood test results were negative where needed to be and the numbers were all the normal ranges where it needed to be.

Then the highlight of the visit was a quick listen to the heartbeat, my little Bobim is a cheeky mite, didn’t want to sit properly for the microphone. She couldn’t find the heart beat…..and surprisingly this did not concern me, I didn’t even have any DBT. We could hear Bobim moving around, but a quick scan and we saw Bobim moving around like crazy and kicking it’s very long legs.

Another go at the microphone thingy and four kicks later I heard the very faint thump, thump, needless to say I was in awe.

I only saw the OB for about 5 minutes asked my simple question of taking Folate as I keep on forgetting to take Folate and was wondering if this would cause issues. I was told that Folate is more important before conception and not after.
I was advised to take Calcium and a Multi-vitamin that contains Iron that won’t make me constipated. All is all we were all quite happy with my progress. Next appointment is 6 weeks away on the 18th April.

Sunday, March 05, 2006


My MIL invited us over for a visit yesterday, it is always nice to spend time with them. We have not always had a good relationship; out of our 10 years of marriage about 5 of them have been spent in silence. For different reasons and reasons today are irrelevant.

I was eager for news on little Damoan, I had not called my SIL as part of me is not comfortable in calling and the other part is that I don’t want to disturb her, I have a knack for calling people right when they are the most busiest.

SIL is not coping very well with little Damoan and MIL has been asked to go over and look after him so that SIL can sleep. My MIL seems to think that he is not being fed enough and an argument ensued and MIL was kicked out of the house. Obviously there is more to the story than that but it is not the purpose of this post.

This whole story with SIL and MIL has got me a little worried about not coping when I come home with our Bobim. Anyu has suggested to me that she would stay here and help in the first weeks, to now it has been a suggestion but now I’m wondering if I take her up on her offer will we argue too?

I know that there is no point in worrying about what is to come, what I have done is read, research as much as possible on the birth and the first few weeks to prepare myself. I was telling this to MIL and Tim and I have discussed that when Bobim is going to be home for the first few weeks it is not going to be easy.

Does anyone else have these fears of not coping when coming home?

Friday, March 03, 2006

About Baby

As you can imagine I know just about everything there is to know about Trying to Conceive and Infertility and Assisted Conception, but I feel so out of my depth when it comes to pregnancy and baby. No matter how many web sites or books I read I don’t feel like I’m ‘prepared’ enough.

Which is funny…. Tim and I had been trying for 3 years probably even longer to have Bobim finally join us, but now that Bobim has stuck, I’m starting to panic. Shit what have I got myself into???

I’m reading this little book that came free with a Pregnancy Magazine and the words stuck out at me “Even if you planned to conceive and have looked forward to having a child, the realisation that you are becoming a parent can be daunting”. Hhhhmmm Fuck yeah!

Daunting is an understatement of the year! In August I’m going to have a little baby that will be totally reliant on my ability to understand what it needs. I read onto understand that these ‘feelings’ are all quite normal. Tim believes that all the reading and researching I’m doing is preparing me for the tough times ahead. I would like to think that it is.

This was all going through my mind on the train this morning on the way to work and I’m totally absorbed in the facts and details, when I came across a word that seems to be scattered throughout the book “miracle”. Is my Bobim a miracle, what constitutes as a miracle? The Australian Oxford Dictionary states that a miracle is an event so remarkable that it is attributed to a supernatural agency.

Then there is this: When sperm and egg meet, a single cell forms. For this to happen, conditions must be perfect: the egg must be in the right place, sperm must be present and your womb ready.

So is it a Miracle that Bobim is with us…not really it seems that things were perfect when she/he was conceived. Yet part of me wants to believe that some supernatural agency was involved in making everything perfect last November and thinking about that, I’m eternally grateful and in awe of the fact that I have been granted this gift. Even though I may be scared about the birth and after, I’m in a quiet shock that I have been given the privilege of this responsibility. I just pray that I won’t let our little Bobim down.