Thursday, August 31, 2006

Not too bad...but not all that good

After a bad night...I find myself sitting here blogging with a sleeping baby in my arms....trying to keep him asleep until his next feed....why did I never think that the soothing sounds of a PC running would help settle JJ...after all he did hear the tapping off the key board and the humming of the PC fan for 9 months.....or is this just a sign that my son will be a his parents??

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Lessons Learnt

I’ve got so much to say about this whole experience that I find myself typing when ever JJ is asleep. There are a few things that we have learnt since being at home that I don’t want to forget.


The best advice that I’ve received so far was from Em…(thank you, you will never know how much it has helped). Em suggested that each morning I get dressed and do my hair and look after myself. By doing this small task, I at least face the day as a human and not some slob. So I no longer waste the day in my PJ’s and I don’t feel the need to do so.

The worst advice we have received was from a Midwife and the Health Care nurse, they both told us not to hold JJ whilst he is sleeping and we don’t often, but there are times when I don’t want to put him down and I just cuddle him until he wakes up. I don’t think at this stage of his life I’m spoiling him by holding and cuddling him.

Down sides

Lack of sleep and working out whether or not he is receiving enough food and trying to get into a routine. Going by the statistics based on JJ’s weight, he should only be eating 56ml’s of formula per feed. We have noticed that this is not enough to sustain him and he is hungry again either straight away or after a short nap. So we increased his feed to 60ml’s we had a satisfied baby for a feed, then we decided to try 70ml’s after sucking the bottle dry and trying to suck more. Tim suggested we offer him 100ml’s and see what he drinks, and he drank 80ml’s.

The Health Care nurse did suggest that we change formula’s as the one we are using does not have a lot of calories and JJ has not really put on weight, since being at home. With the 80ml feeds we now have a baby that sleeps 3 to 3.5 hours in-between and a much happier baby. But this increase in amount of formula weighs on my mind and I can’t help but worry about the reason for why he needs so much more than what is recommended for his weight.

Up sides

His play time, we are hearing more little noises and seeing JJ trying to mimic our facial expressions is just priceless.


This whole experience….if anything….has brought Tim and I much closer, we have both surprised each other with how we are coping with everything and there are times where we both feel that we are not coping at all. But then Tim will surprises me by getting up in the middle of the night changes, feeds and resettles JJ without even waking me.

One thing that I still have to learn….and this lesson will be very hard…that is not to be such a baby hog….I have to back off and let Tim have some quality time with his son and not just take over.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Hospital Stay

Day 1 (Tuesday)

There is not much that I can really remember of the first day. What I do remember is Tim saying that he was going home to get some sleep and that he would be back in the afternoon, but then he turns up after breakfast and a shower. Then next thing I remember is seeing Tim just cuddling JJ. I was naturally dozing throughout the whole morning and afternoon.

We did have a number of visitors that day and I was grateful for all the gifts we received, what I was really grateful for was my husband with me the whole day.

The catheter was removed that night and I was able to get up and move around, I know only 12 hours after surgery I was up and moving with a lot of pain but I did it.

That night JJ stayed with me and we had a few goes on the breast and a few nappy changes, but I don’t remember too much of that night.

Day 2 (Wednesday)

First shower on my own….boy there is nothing like having a shower to make you feel more normal. This was the first day where I distinctly remember falling in love with my new little man. It was after a feed and he was all dopey eyed looking at my face…it was the first time I clearly saw his beautiful blue eyes.

I could not believe that he was mine and that we had created him. It was also the day that the drain tube was removed, I hated carrying that thing around with me.

The breast feeding thing was not going too well, but slowly we were both learning how to deal with each other. Thank God for the night time midwifes at one stage A checked up on me (A was the lady who hosted the breastfeeding class and I felt that I already ‘knew’ her), and asked how I was going. I remember telling her that I was sick of breast feeding, as at that point JJ was on my left breast for almost an hour without settling. She convinced me to offer JJ my finger for him to suck on and pat his bum in the rhythm of a heart beat.

After half an hour, nothing too much had changed and she then convinced me to trust her with my baby and leave him with her whilst I slept. God bless A for this as I was able to sleep for 4 hours straight and my baby was very well looked after.

Day 3 (Thursday)

This was the first day I wore ‘normal’ clothes and received a room mate for the morning. In the afternoon I was moved to a private room with a double bed, the room was more like hotel room than a hospital room.

It was a day that I was a little worried about, the third day blues and my breast milk coming in…or as it was supposed to. But it was a walk in the park no baby blues and no milk. At this point I was a little worried and my JJ was very yellow…a slight case of jaundice.

It was a day full of stress though, a visit from my in laws saw me telling my MIL to back off and leave my milk supply (or lack there of) alone. JJ at this point had decided to crack it big time and I was struggling to attach him with my MIL and FIL (yes breast hanging out and my FIL is in the room with my boy screaming his head off) in the room.

A visit from the Pediatric Doctor to confirm that JJ did have a slight case of jaundice and that my milk supply may not be helping him. It was prescribed that I breast feed him 15 minutes on each breast then ‘top him up’ with 20ml’s of formula then I was to go onto the breast pump to express. I was to do this every three hours.

It was torture, it was horrendous and it was down right devastating doing this every three hours. I was not able to express more than a tea spoon from both breasts combined….yes that’s right a tea spoon.

That night JJ was again taken away from me to the nursery where in between a feed he was given an extra 30ml’s of formula because he was screaming.

Day 4 (Friday)

With more sleep I woke in the morning full of confidence that all my efforts would help me breast feed and bring on my milk supply. All the midwives were convinced that it would come in. I did get used to all the strange women poking my breasts to feel if they were harder…but no nothing different.

Feeding every three hours did take it’s toll on me and I was so grateful for Tim being there in the afternoon to help…the pump kept on getting worse and the ‘top up’s’ kept on getting larger in volume.

The jaundice test result showed that JJ was not getting better and this was the third day where his poor little heel was pricked for the blood test. A complication with my private health insurance determined that JJ was not covered and to have JJ put under the UV light he would need to be admitted into the hospital as a patient….and I would possibly out of pocket…the Pediatrician determined not to admit him due to the insurance complication.

I was a mess that day, blubbering on the phone to the insurance company begging them to try to fix the problem….in the end it was resolved but it was too late to have JJ put under the UV light.

This was the day I felt like a failure as a mother, my milk was not in and I really wanted to give up on the whole breast feeding thing. But the midwives convinced me to preserver….so I did and finally worked out a position where the attachment didn’t hurt.

Day 5 (Saturday)

A whole day with Tim there to support me with looking after JJ. Tim was worked Wednesday to Friday, so I only really had his help in the evenings, this was the situation as Tim had only just started working with the company.

Not much really happened this day that is of note…although I was stressing about the whole feeding situation and I hated waking JJ up every three hours to feed, it wore on both of us.

I can’t remember which day it was but I did feel and over whelming feeling of guilt. Yes guilt, I could not get over the fact that I was a little disappointed that JJ was a boy…I don’t think that I can bring myself to forgive that disappointment…here was this precious little boy that was so tiny and small and Tim and I had created…how could I have been anyway disappointed.

That night I was caught sobbing over my child whilst ‘topping him up’ the midwife A was on again and she caught me having a mushy moment…The over whelming love I felt for this child blew me away…it continues to do so…

Most afternoon’s you can catch me sitting next to him whilst he is sleeping and I will be sobbing….just because I love this child so much.

Day 6 (Sunday)

I was woken but a Midwife that took a while to get to know…she said something that got me thinking…she mentioned that my hormone levels would change in the next few days and that my milk would most likely come in then. First thing that I thought was “Since when does my body ever deal with hormones properly”.

A very long discussion started and I mentioned my medical history of PCOS and fertility treatment to conceive JJ. The room became very quiet and you heard they giant penny drop. Midwife (M) jumps up and screams hallelujah. …well not really but with PCOS there is a potential of difficulties with breast feeding and by this stage JJ was being topped up with 50ml’s of formula after being on the both breast for half an hour.
The relief was instantaneous…there was a medical reason why I could not sustain my son. I was not a ‘failure’ as a mother, I was encouraged to continue with breast feeding and topping him up, but I secretly stopped putting JJ on my breasts that day.

It was the first day where I enjoyed feeding my baby and it was also the first day that I had a ‘happy’ baby who slept properly and we loved being together. It was also my last full day in the hospital.

Day 7 (Monday)

Home day and relief day…I was looking forward to starting my life at home with my new little family. It took us longer to leave the hospital than we wanted to but in the end we arrived home.

All in all I suppose I’m painting my hospital stay as a bit grim but honestly it was not as bad as I’ve made out. The whole breast feeding thing now over shadows my stay and I do not feel at all disappointed with giving up the breast. It was not getting us anywhere, JJ and I were both unhappy with the situation. I also know that I gave it my best shot and till this day I have not been able to express more than a tea spoon, before or after a feed.

The midwives at this hospital are a very special bunch and I’m grateful for all the support and help that was provided, after being away and home now for 6 days, I should’ve taken advantage of their support more, but I hated not having JJ with me.

Photo's of JJ

He is 2 days old here and we are in the hospital...

Posted by Picasa

First day at home and we are 7 days old...

Posted by Picasa

This is the most recent photo, taken yesterday just after a feed....we heard a new sound and look at the surprise on JJ's face!!

Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Birth Story

The Birth story

You’ll have to forgive me if it is all over the place as I’m going by memory here. After I posted on Monday I went back to my bedroom and Tim suggested that I call the hospital with my condition. The midwife suggested that I last out until my OB appointment and then let him make the decision on when to come in, it was too early in the ‘labour’ part to go into the hospital.

My appointment was schedule for 10:30am, I mentioned to the receptionist that I was in the midst of having contractions, but there were 2 women before me, so I had to sit in the waiting room, dealing with the pain. Then of course as usually happens Dr OB was called away to deliver a baby. When I did finally get to see the midwife I was told, not to go home but go straight to the hospital for an assessment from the OB.

We didn’t even have our bags with us, I was not prepared for going straight to the hospital, I had assumed that I would go home and deal with the pain until it really started getting regular…but oh no…that was not the case.

Assessment done, 1 cm dilated and he decided to break my waters ‘to get this labour going properly’. Throughout the rest of the time I was in there I was constantly told by this guy that “I was not in proper labour”. Waters broke…no pain but boy was it a weird feeling, like a gush of hot water that you have no control over.

I remember him commenting that he didn’t like the colour of the water…at this point I was staring into Tim’s eyes telling him not to look down there in Hungarian….over and over…don’t look….don’t look….don’t look. Bobim had done a poo in my uterus…so I was put on a monitor. Not the way I wanted to deal with labour pains as I wanted to be able to walk around.

Waters broke at 12pm…contractions started that morning at 2:49am. I was then informed by Dr OB that he would not be available to deliver this baby between 5pm and 11pm as he had a prior commitment but his partner was on call. I was also informed that he would be back at 4pm.

Tim and I settled into a dizziness of pain, panting and TV watching. I was also not allowed to eat anything. 4pm comes and no real change, contractions very irregular, but stronger. He takes one look at that monitor and says baby is doing fine and you still are not in labour. I will be back at 11pm.

Again the hours seem to blur into dealing with the pain and TV watching, at some point I convinced the midwife to allow me to stand instead of sit and move around a bit. At one point I was put to bed to try to relax and get some sleep, the contractions died away to 20 minutes apart. Standing was the best position but it was also very tiring.
11pm comes and by this time I’ve dealt with 3 different midwifes, they got nicer as the time went on. We get a phone call from Dr OB telling us that he would not be able to come in for some hours as he was called away to another hospital for an emergency caesarean. At this point I lost it…I started crying and telling the midwife how disappointed I was in him and felt like I was not that important. By this stage, even if he thought that I was not in proper labour I was dealing with pain constantly and I wanted this baby out.

Sleeping tablet and panadol were prescribed to me at this point…I was not given anything stronger as I’m allergic to codeine. I was never offered Gas, pathadine or an epidural I guess because everyone felt that I was still in the early first stage of labour. Tim was also sent home at this point to get some sleep.

Dr OB would be back at 5am. I was able to sleep in between the contractions but woke everytime I had one, at this stage I’m in bed and I didn’t care for breathing quietly, I moaned like I was a cow, I wanted the whole hospital to know that I was in real fucking pain, even though the ‘professionals’ didn’t think so.

2:40am I hear Dr OB voice out side the room, he sticks his head in and tells me that he has another delivery next door, but wanted to check on my progress. An internal was done and I was 3cm dilated, this gutted me. After 24 hours of dealing with this pain I was only 3cm gone….7cm left.

His plan was to then let me go until 7am when they would give me a drip to help progress the labour along. An IV needle was put into my wrist. I was in disbelief that he wanted me to just continue along for god knew how long.

Then he was called away as the lady next door was delivering her baby…I heard everything…her moans, screams and worse of all the baby’s first cries. I then sobbed and sobbed, here I was over 12 hours in that room working through the pain the best way I knew how, whilst strapped to a machine and this lady waltz’s in and has her baby before I do…to me life was not fair.

The midwife came in and took one look at me, comforted me and then went and spoke to Dr OB. Time was then 3:00am, when he came back in and spoke to me about surgery, I asked him if there was any chance of surgery and he said sure there was a chance but he would not be available until 1pm that afternoon.

In shock I sat there and half listened to his ramblings about scheduled surgeries…where I didn’t give a fuck about anyone else, I was struggling and I couldn’t make it through to the end, I was tired and frantic to have Bobim out. Then next thing I remember him saying was that he wouldn’t get any sleep as it was that night and that he could call everyone and get them in for the surgery now….I think that I started begging him….please now….right this minute.

I called Tim back into the hospital and within 45 minutes everyone was in the hospital and I was being wheeled into theater. Honestly I was never more happier to know that I was not going to suffer another 5 to 7 hours longer.

Hearing our son cry was just amazing, hearing him cough and spew was frightening. After the event it became apparent that I would’ve never been able to deliver my son naturally as he was stuck on my pelvic bone and they had to use forceps to remove him.

I look at him now and do not regret the decision I made to beg for surgery. The pain of recovery is nothing to the thought of having to deal with the pain of labour longer. I have surprised myself and Tim about how I’ve dealt with the pain of recovery.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

It was the start

Monday morning a week ago was the start of a very long and tiring journey.

I'm happy to announce the birth of Jordan Jared Sebestyen, who was born on the 15th August at 4:50 am weighing in at 2.72kg (5.99 pounds) length of 51cm, delivery through an emergency c-section.

We are home now as you can guess...

How am I? Well I don't think that anything could have prepared me for the emotions of the last week. At times I feel as though I have things under control but mostly I'm over whelmed with the inadequateness of my skills as a Mother.

Tim and I are in awe of him, we can't believe that we made something so precious and whom we love so much....

Birth story to follow...

Here are some photo's:


Sorry about no photo's but am having a lot of problems with uploading photo's to this blog...if any of you have any suggestions please let me know..

Oh and thank you for all your warm wishes...

Monday, August 14, 2006

I wonder

Is this the actual time??? I’ve been up since about 2:49am with contractions, but they seem irregular…oh hang on here comes one now…...ok first one that I’ve timed lasted about 30 seconds…now I just have to figure out how to time the contractions and the duration between them.

I’ve come to the back of the house to try to give my husband a break and let him sleep. Why?? Well I’m not convinced that this is the real thing and Tim is staying home to take me to the OB appointment this morning, and if it isn’t the real deal he will be going off to work….so I don’t want him too tired.

I don’t think that this is the real deal as I’ve had no sign of any ‘show’ at all…well that is not…..(oh hang on another one….again 30 seconds, now timing in between them….I’m so glad that my mobile has a stop watch on it)..where was I? Oh yes I had a little blood yesterday when I went to the toilet….like a tiny membrane that was bright red colour…and now whilst wiping….red smudges, so I don’t know what to think.

As I’ve no hope of sleeping I decided to have a shower and wash my hair and then put a pad on and blog about what I’m going through…ok 4 minutes apart….I just checked my chart and was timing them incorrectly…I’ve got to start timing from the start of a contraction to the start of the next one…

My cats are wondering what I’m doing walking around this house at this hour, I think that they expect to get fed…Mitzu is right here rubbing in between my legs to get my attention….She has to realize that I’m kind of busy having contractions and trying to time them…

I’ve got to wonder….is today your Birthday Bobim?

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Confession time again

For some reason I find the need to confess some things that I would normally keep to myself. But not only do I feel compelled to confess to my husband but I also feel the need to confess here.

Number 1)

The sharps bin is still here and I have every intention of getting rid of it on Tuesday.

Number 2)

I’m loving day time TV, I have my TV watching all scheduled from about 11am in the morning till Tim comes home from work.

Number 3)

Most recently I have spent the majority of the day in my PJ’s and I’m loving it. I’m sitting here now in them and if I could I would stay like this all day. Nothing too bad about this confession so far, but what I’m neglecting to mention is that when I know Tim is coming home from work that is the time that I get changed. Part of me feels ashamed that I’m still in my PJ’s.

Number 4)

I’m a bit scared about driving around now, the other day I went for a little shopping trip and I think that I ran a red light. I scared myself so much that I had to pull over for a few minutes to calm myself down. How did it happen? Well I was day dreaming about nothing that I can remember, and I feel so lucky that I wasn’t involved in a car accident. I’m now waiting for the fine to come through. I confessed this to Tim who is now very worried about me driving anywhere.

Number 5)

I’ve started screening the phone calls at home, letting them go to the answering machine when I’m more than capable to answer the phone. I’m avoiding my in-laws and my sister. I have the same conversation with my sister everytime she calls and the pressure of these few simple words are just too much to handle “I was wondering if I could POP in”. FUCK….how I hate those words.

I can’t think of anymore….and reading back over them I feel a bit silly that they are playing on my mind but I do feel better now that they are out of my system.

38 weeks

WOW I can’t believe that I’ve made it this far, I’m getting really excited now. The OB appointments are now weekly and this week the OB was a little worried about my blood pressure, being higher than it has been throughout the pregnancy.

Normally my blood pressure has been 140/75 but on Monday it was 150/100. It took him 5 goes to get the reading he wanted, but he didn’t seem too concerned as my urine sample was fine and I have NO fluid retention. Plus I see him again this coming Monday.

I’m now putting weight that I’ve lost back on at an alarming rate. In the last week alone I put on 2 kg. Altogether I had lost 12kg throughout this pregnancy and if I continue to put some of it back on then by the birth (that is, if I make it to 40 weeks) I will have only lost 5kg.

Tim seems to think that the weight I’m putting on now is baby and amniotic fluid and not my weight. But all I know is that at time when getting out of bed it feels as though my uterus is going to rip open…that is how heavy I feel.

Sleeping continues to be an issue in this house for all three of us. We all go to bed wondering what the night will entail, some nights I sleep ok, still waking every hour to two hours for a toilet break but I’m able to fall asleep straight away. Other nights Tim sleeps in the spare room as I’m snoring too much. Then there are nights like last night where I’m up walking around with Braxton hick contractions for 2 and a half hours.

I’ve even started needing to have a midnight snack, my tummy starts rumbling so loud that Tim wakes up and gets me something to eat. Perhaps this is why I’m putting weight back on.

I’m very proud of what my mother and I have achieved here in the last few weeks. The house is almost all organised, I find something new to do all the time. We’ve frozen the following meals, each container holds two servings:
- Spaghetti Bolognese x 2
- Hungarian Chicken stew x 3
- Hungarian tomato meat balls x 1
- Beef stroganoff Hungarian style x 2
- Hungarian Goulash x 3
- Chicken soup x 3

Next week we plan of cooking and freezing vegetable soup and I may make some more tomato meat balls. There are some new recipes that I’ve learnt to make from Anyu being here, but mostly we take advantage of cooking up big portions so that there is enough to freeze and eat that day and the next.

I’m sure that once Bobim is here I will be even more grateful that we took the time to prepare all this food.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Confessions from an Infertile

I’ve been putting this off, I didn’t want to do it, but now I think that it is time to face facts and not put it off any longer. I have to do it, there is no reason to keep it around any longer. It is just taking up space and gathering dust.

What is it…you may ask….it is the sharps bin. The bin that I once used to regularly discard empty vials of drugs, syringes and needles to help conceive this child that I’m carrying.

For a long time the bin was kept in the exact same place on the counter in our ensuite bathroom. I moved it to the cupboard when I was about 14 weeks pregnant, perhaps I should’ve taken care of the bin then, but for some reason I kept onto it.

When I cleaned that part of the house, I calmly took the bin and box out, threw away the empty wrappers away and then neatly packed the needles, labels, alcohol wipes and mixing syringe back into the box and put it all away along with the bin. I even wiped the bin down of dust, instead of closing it off and taking it to the pharmacy to be disposed off properly.

I don’t know why I’m hanging onto this bin, it is not like I can use it again when and if we start trying for another child. It is full, there is a red line that you should not go above.

“It’s time to go sharps bin”, but why is it so hard to let go of something that I should be happy about?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

So far this week

This will be the first week since leaving work that I have done exactly what I wanted to do….which is absolutely nothing….sleep in, read in bed, stay in my PJ’s all day, watch day time TV, watch DVD’s, surf the net…shop on line.

But the main thing that I’m so happy to be doing is playing house wife. I may not clean all day actually the house could do with a bit of a clean, but the laundry is done and ironed and put away and I cook dinner every night. This is what I wanted to be doing…getting back to basics.

I haven’t left the house since Sunday…unless to take the garbage out…and I don’t plan on leaving the house to go anywhere until tomorrow and even then I may change my mind.

I love my parents dearly and my mother had helped me so much since they have been back that I do feel a little guilty about the recent post. I don’t feel guilty for having this week to myself. Friday will mark 5 weeks that I’ve been off work and not everday was taken up by activities but it sure felt like I was in a rush to get everything done.

Emails from work have people asking me if I’m bored yet…tired of this pregnancy…you know the sorts of questions. How can I be bored yet when I haven’t had the time to be bored?

As for being tired of this pregnancy…what I am struggling with is the pain….pain when sleeping on either side for too long, the pain of trying to get up. The pain when my bladder is a little full and now the pain in my lower back. Staying active helps, getting up and moving around relieves the pain, at night instead of the 5 steps to the ensuite I now walk down to the other end of the house to go to the toilet to at least get some movement.

But things could be worse, on Monday I had another OB appointment where I saw a lady from the prenatal classes and she can not wear any shoes, her feet, hands and face are swollen and she is only a few days ahead of me. I met another lady at the Breastfeeding class I had on Friday and she has constant back pain and can only sleep sitting up.

So I guess that I’m quite lucky that all I have to deal with is a bit of pain when trying to sleep.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Dear Bobim

Today marks the first day of the month of August 2006, it also marks the month that we will hopefully finally meet you and our lives will no longer be the same.

I’m getting really excited to meet you, my dreams of you are getting more vivid and I think about you all the time. I’ve also taken to announcing your movements out aloud at night as Daddy wants to know.

You are still very active and not an hour goes by with out me feeling some type of movement. You have also moved into the middle of my tummy and my baby belly is lower than it was last week.

Ellie was feeling my tummy the other day and she commented on how my tummy feels like I’ve been working out as it is so tight. We all can now definitely feel where you bum and legs are.

Mamma loves to rub my tummy and she also has started kissing her hand before she rubs, to try to convey how much she already loves you through the skin.

I have now packed our bags and your bed is ready. Your cars seats are being installed on Saturday…yes you have two car seats one for my car and the other for Daddies car. You now have two prams, one for walking with Ruppy around at home and the other for when we go shopping.

You also have a portable bed that Mamma wants to have permanently fixed at her house…but we will see. There are still a few little things that we want to buy for you but they can wait, but knowing me I’m sure that they will be bought before you are born, that is if we have time.

I was blown away by all the little presents that you received for our relatives in Hungary. They are also getting excited about hearing our news.

I must admit that part of me is a little scared about your birth; Daddy is aware of how scared I am and constantly says that I will be ok. But having had someone say this to you and then believing it, is a different thing altogether.

Even though I may write about how scared I am about your birth the excitement of meeting you being able to give you a kiss a cuddle and generally learning all your features over rides any real fear that I have.

Daddy and I have discussed the names that we may give you and we have finally decided to wait to see what you look like before announcing your name to the world.

Looking forward to meeting you this month.

Lots of love your very pregnant Mummy!!