Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The first goodbye

Dearest Bobim
I found out on Saturday that we definitely lost you. I didn’t even know that you were with us until last Wednesday but by then I had already lost you. I wish that you had stayed and we could’ve gotten to know each other better.
I should’ve known that the Pain I was experiencing last Monday was my body letting me know that I was loosing you, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much today and maybe then I would have so many doubts in my mind.
You may not be physically with us at this moment but I know that you are still with us in spirit. You maybe seeing how upset I am and that I’m not coping too well, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t try again to have you. One way or another you will be with us, Mummy just needs sometime to grieve over the fact that you were physically here but now you are gone.
Bobim – My heart hurts so bad, the pain is worse than when I physically lost you, however with all pain it eventually goes away or you get used to it. At the moment it is unbearable and this is why Mummy is taking a break from the world.
So this month we decided to take a short break form trying for you, with the injections and being monitored so closely. But come October we will try again, the nurse just want to see if my period comes back normally.
I love you with all my heart and one day I will read this again and hopefully by then it won’t hurt so much.
Lots of hugs and kisses.

Friday, September 10, 2004

When I first new

BobimI didn’t write to you on Tuesday as my period arrived on Monday and I thought that it would be a waste of time to go for a blood test when I knew that it would be negative. Or so I thought! I finally got in touch with my nurse and she scheduled another blood for Wednesday.
I was happily waiting for the results of the blood test getting ready and excited about starting another cycle. When my nurse called yesterday afternoon, she told me that I had HCG levels in my blood. These levels are only produced if the person is pregnant.
Bobim – I was shocked to find out that you are finally with us, but that I might be loosing you at the same time! P told me not to get my hopes up too high as I am bleeding and it is not a good sign and my HCG levels are low 51. When I got off the phone with P I sat in the meeting room for a long time just crying..happy tears little one, they were happy tears. I couldn’t believe that you were/are with me, right now you are inside me fighting to stay. I rang Daddy in tears and could hardly tell him that you were here. Daddy too started to cry.
I then rang Pappa and could only say “You may be a grandfather” and he couldn’t talk to me as he too was crying. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high as I may have already lost you. But it is hard; part of me feels like jumping up and down running around the office screaming, “My Bobim is finally here!”
Ellie sent me an SMS last night and again this morning, I haven’t told her yet as we find out on Saturday if you are here to stay or if I’ve lost you. There are a lot of people hoping that you are here to stay, I’m sending you all our love little on and try to be brave and fight to stay with us. Only two more sleeps till I know if you are here for good.
Lot’s of love little one.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Number 2

Mummy is not doing too good this morning, I have been crying a little and feeling very alone and sad. I dreamt about you, holding you and wanting to have you inside me, but at the moment I can’t wait any longer, I want you now. Is that so much to ask?
I find out on Tuesday if I am pregnant with you, Tuesday the 7th September will either be a day of eminence joy or great disappointment. Daddy wants me to do a pregnancy test tomorrow morning, but Bobim I’m terrified. At this moment I want you so much and I’m scared that if you are not here with me I won’t be able to cope.
I hope that in your life you will never have to go through this pain of waiting and wanting a child so much that it hurts to breath.
To keep me from going totally crazy (and probably in years to come you will call me crazy), I’ve started compiling a list (you will get to know that Mummy loves her lists) of names for you. This little exercise has recently brought me a lot of joy and excitement. Daddy is starting to ask me about new names that I have found during the day.
I dreamt / thought about you room this morning whilst lying in bed and I can’t wait to tell Daddy about it. As we don’t know if you are going to be a boy or a girl I thought that we paint your walls in your room a nice green colour. With White borders and beautiful white curtains that make you room nice and dark for when you arrive.
I want to get started on your room straight away, right now even. But because I don’t know if you are here I’m holding off. Buying Clothes for you is one thing but starting to get your room ready is another big step that I’m holding off starting until we know that you are definitely here.
We had floating floorboards laid on Monday kind of in preparation for you, but really because the carpet was shocking. After 6 years living here there are bound to be a lot of stains. So now we have glossy new floor boards in half the house, and when I was able to walk on them I had this vision of you bum shuffling / or crawling across the floor with your laughter.
We even bought a new couch with you in mind we made sure that the fabric was durable and stain resistant. You are never far from our thoughts and whenever we make plans you are always included.
All my love my precious little one, wish me luck for Tuesday.