Sunday, February 27, 2005

Dear Bobim

It has been a while since I wrote to you my little one, but this does not mean that you have not been in my thoughts. Mummy is not a patient woman so having to wait to start another to try to conceive you for such a long time has been very difficult.

I’m sorry little one, I feel guilty that I have been kind of neglecting you, as I haven’t written to you. Your little toy box / chest hasn’t really had much more added to it. I’ve started collecting nappies for you, all sorts of different nappies. Thanks to Jill who knows all the best Websites to visit and the best brands to buy. You will even have purple nappies, can you believe it purple. Mummy loves the colour purple atm.

I haven’t had to look at nappies for 11 years, since Tina was a baby, so the new ones that you can get today are so fascinating and cool. The other day Mamma showed me her stash of clothes for you. I thought that it was just me that was collecting clothes, blankets, towels and nappies. But Mamma stash was quite impressive she gave me this beautiful blanket to take home. It was (is) yellow fleecy one with bees and butterflies on it.

I will try to write to you more often now that we have started this cycle. I love you with all my heart, even though you are not physically with me in the present.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

My Husband

My Mimi may not be the best looking bloke in the world and he may not be the kindest, romantic, ideal husband that woman desire. But he is my match, just right for me.

I don’t get flowers which is ok for me, but my darling husband takes the time to come into the city to pick me up from work so that we can spend sometime together. He works half way between home and the city so he is adding an extra hour or so of driving just to pick me up and look after me.

He also does the injections for me, I just can’t do them to myself and he refuses to put me in that situation where I would need to.
I sometimes feel as though I’m very selfish and that I neglect him, we are not intimate that often and I can’t help feeling guilty about it. When we are on the injections and are TTCing then we do as often as we can. But in those months where I’m not on Gonal-f, part of me feels as though it is not worth the effort, as no baby will come of it, so I say the hell with it.

I don’t mean to distance myself from him during the non-OI months, but I think that it is quite normal in the infertility world to not bother and just relax and hold off.

I think that in the next non-OI month I will try to make an effort to spend more time with him and not think of our intimacy as just for making babies.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

To my family and friends

An Copy of a post from a website that I visit!

Infertility Etiquette for Family and Freinds
By Vita Alligood

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways
1) They will eventually conceive a baby.
2) They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
3) They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


On my left ovary there were 16 follies the largest being 2mm and on the right side there were 20 follies the largest being 5 mm. Can’t remember the actual hormone levels but they were normal and good. I’ve been given the go ahead to start the Gonal-F pen tonight on 112.5iu. My next blood test is scheduled for Friday at 8:40am.

When I walked into the clinic this morning for the b/t I was blown away with the warm reception that I received, even though this is my third OI cycle I was surprised that the nurses remembered my name. It was a quiet morning for them and there was no one waiting, so when I walked in they both said a big hello to me and that I was “unfortunately” welcomed back.

This reception blew me away and I kind of commented on this that I was surprised that they remembered me, the response that I received was “No matter how you are going, either if it is good or bad in your cycle you are always smiling”.

On the train into work I thought about this and all I can really remember from my cycles of OI is that I’ve always been positive that what I am doing will help me achieve my dream. I also figured that if I’m having a bad day or a slow cycle it is not the fault of the nurses who work there but it is the way my body is responding to the treatment. Who am I to take that out on them?

Next update will be on Friday if not earlier. Maybe this time I will do the injections myself!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Back on the bandwagon

I can now say that I’m officially on CD02, my last cycle was 71 days, oh the joys of having irregular cycles and never knowing when your period is going to show up and then having to take drugs to convince your body that you should start bleeding soon or nowish!

Tomorrow morning is my base line u/s and b/t, 7:15am. I’m praying that I don’t have any cysts present and it is highly unlikely that there will be anything there, as I have not been using Gonal-f. So I’m back on the TTC wagon again after over 2 months of waiting.

Metformin, my body is slowly getting used to this drug but I’m still suffering from the side affects and it is not a nice side affect. I hate the toilet call in the middle of the night, could do with out the sleep interruption to go and sit there and wait till my body expels itself (I’m trying to put it nicely that I’m having diarrhoea). The cramping is the worst thing that I have to cope with. Plus remembering to take the bloody tablet every night.

My doctor wanted me to increase the does to two tablets a day after the first week and I haven’t as yet. I figure that I’m suffering enough with one tablet I don’t know what I will be like on two. I think that I would need to migrate to my ensuite permanently until my body got used to it. Plus the Kinesiology lady told me to stick with one. I also figure that if my doctor doesn’t know that I haven’t increased my dosage it won’t hurt him! Even if it did I would tell him to stuff it!

Monday, February 14, 2005

It has arrived!!

My period has taken it bloody time getting here, I’ve been spotting for the last few days and the nurses don’t count a period until it is full flow (sorry to spell it all out for you)! But it is finally here and tomorrow morning there will be a phone call to the nurse to get my OI cycle started.

We have had a really nice weekend this weekend with us going to the city for Chinese New Year and then today going to Healesville Sanctuary, where I haven’t been in years, mostly likely since High School.

My diet well, as I thought it was and is difficult to cut bread out of my diet altogether. I love bread it makes a big portion of my diet and of course we had pizza tonight…my fault as it was my suggestion. Other than that Agi and I have taken it turns cooking dinner.

During the week days, I’ve had my apple yogurt shake thing and have been taking salads for lunch. I just lack the discipline to go back full on to the sure slim diet that I was on. It would mean cutting out a lot of things and being extremely disciplined and atm I just don’t have the strength. I figure that if I’m eating right, even if I do have pasta and potatoes it is better than bloody take away.

Water aerobics was out this week, as I came home with a head ache nearly every bloody day. I’m getting really sick and tired of these head aches. Plus Saturday morning I was so nauseous and cramping from my period, dizzy and of course I woke up with a headache I thought fuck it I’m not going.

At Healesville there were so many families there, stupid of me to think that people wouldn’t take their kids, but during lunch there was this one woman breast feeding her little baby girl and my eyes were drawn to her. I wish that it was me that was doing that to my little girl. I’m usually quite good around pregnant women or new mums, or generally any female with a child. But this one lady really got to me.

On the way home I started getting excited about this cycle, not getting my hopes up high or anything but I knew that we would be trying again in a few weeks (all going as planned). Then this cold feeling started in the pit of my stomach and was moving up through my heart and lungs and it grew into this big huge ball of apprehension that just got logged into my throat.

The big questions entered my mind “Will I have another Miscarriage?”

This just reminded me that I haven’t updated that Tim’s and my blood test all came back normal:
Genetic factors = None for both of us
TORCH (Toxoplasmosis, rubella, cytomegalovirus, herpes and Listeria infection) = all ok nothing to report

Part of me is excited and ready to start another cycle the other part of me is terrified, petrified that I will have another miscarriage and I’m scared of how I will cope, to date I have put on a brave face and when I talk to people about what I have gone through then I’m brief and just skim over the surface. But if you asked me to remember Christmas and the weeks prior to, then I draw a mental blank. I think that this is my way of coping.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The appointment

I went to see Dr Nick today and it was great. I was totally worried that we would get the IVF speech and that we really wouldn’t have a choice. But we are staying with OI as it has worked both times. He said that if it hadn’t worked once then we would be doing IUI, we are continuing with OI and timed intercourse…which is exactly what I wanted!

Before we went I made sure that a half hour before hand I sat down and thought of some of the burning questions that I wanted answered. Most important was that I wanted to know if there is a reason why I’ve had multiple m/c and if this was an indication of an incompatibility b/w Tim’s little guys and my eggs.

The answer to that is still unknown and I was given reading material (I love reading material, knowing what it all is about and learning) and we have been given tests to do. One for Tim and the other for me which I need to fast for so it will be done on Thursday.

I also asked the questions of why was I not on Metformin, knowing that even though my diagnosis was borderline PCOS. He had a look at all my results and said that I’m confusing, on Clomid both ovaries responded but then the last OI cycle only one ovary responded. After all that he handed me the script. Was doing the happy dance in my head!

So all in all a good day:
1) Still doing OI with Timed intercourse
2) Been prescribed metformin
3) Doing more investigative tests