Friday, November 30, 2007

Picture says it all

I did start taking the folate.
Every night Tim baths Jordy, it is his time with his son. I was making the formula (yes still on formula as Jordy can't handle full cows milk), for the next day when I heard Jordy's full out laughter, no little giggle a full belly laugh. Tim was blowing bubbles and they were popping on his head. Jordy thought it was hillarious.
It was at that the precice moment when I grabbed the jar and poped the pill, the one that I had been dreading.
Uhhnmm clearing my throat.."Hello, my name is Mari and I'm trying to conceive my next baby". Phew glad that is now off my chest!
I have been puting off writting this post as there are a few at work that have this blog address. This time around I don't want to advertise that I'm trying for a baby, this time I want to keep the pain, heart ache, good and bad news to myself for a while.
Before Jordan I need the world to know the injustice of Infertility. But I now know the journey that I'm taking and I want to keep that part of my life totally separate from my work life. I does not belong there, it really never did.
As you can see from the photo below, our first month back on the road was a negative. But there is still no sign of my period and I'm on CD39 and this test was done this morning. The plan is to track my cycles for 3 months (old habits die hard as I've really been tracking my cycles since Jordan was born). Then after 3 months see the fertility specialist (fs) again and start Ovulation Induction.
But I think that I might start making enquiries with the fs offices now, and book in to see him in the new year.
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On the 16th of October, Jordy took his first real steps on his own. He had been cruising along the furniture for a long time, there was always the hint of him walking on his own. He would also happily walking holding onto my hand or the wall or Thomas.
But to let go and step out on his own, he needed his cousin Damon to show him what it is all about. The day before these photo's were taken, we went to visit Damon and Grady. Damon was running circles around Jordan who thought it was the best fun, the next day he simply let go and started walking around. I bet he thought "If Damon can do it so can I".
It also took Damon to show Jordy how to stand up on his own with out the help of piece of furniture or a person.

Bugsy - do you notice what he is wearing? It is one of the Bibs you made for Jordy!
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I can't remember when I first gave Jordy his book, but he just can't get enough of them. I can sit him down with a pile and he will happily read to himself.

I'm most proud of how much he likes his books and really try encourage this with him. We spend hours sitting there and reading, flipping the pages and just babbling to the books. Where ever we go, there are books packed.

It was only late in my life after High school that I found my passion of books and now I just can't get enough of them. I love the last photo, it is so cute with the book on his belly!

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Favourite Place to play

I know that it has been a while, I've lost my access to Blogger from work. Blogging from work is not a good idea, but then coming home from work and then blogging is just not as easy as it used to be. There is much to talk about and there will be many posts coming today (at least while Jordy is alseep).
But firslty I wanted to share with you my favourite place to play with bed. I learnt a while ago that if Jordy was upset or whining I would grab him and roll around on the bed. He soon loved the bed playtime cause he has my undevided attention and we would roll around and sing "There were 10 in the bed and the little one said...".
I've always got my camera handy and posting all the "bed play" photo's would be too much but here is a quick look at some of the fun we have had playing in bed.

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Saturday, September 29, 2007

Latest Invite

My friend was kind enough to allow me to do her invitation for her beautiful little girl. I took the photo and put together the invite....what do you think?

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Friday, September 21, 2007


This is a silly post, but I really want to get back into bloging as I miss it.

I have a foot phobia, I hate that part of my body…hate despise it. You know those commercials where all you see is the foot rubbing under the white blanket, how it is meant to illustrate the romance and hot steamy sex the couple are having?

Well that would never happen in my bed as I can’t stand anyone’s foot being close to mine. I will literally freak out, even in an accident at night I will wake in a cold sweat. My brother used to torment me with his feet placing them an inch away from my face all along saying “I’m not touching you!” I still shudder from the thought!

There are still times when Tim will chase me around the house trying to touch me with his feet…saying “here comes stinky feet”, childish I know!

All this fear until, I had Jordan’s feet to play with, now I know that one day they will turn into the things that I despise, but right now I can’t get enough of them. They are always in my hands and I’m always tickling them. After a bath they always get a rub and loads of kisses.
While the weather here is starting to warm up I decided to take Jordy out side to walk around one the grass and I just loved the look of our feet in the grass, so I took a photo to remind me in years to come that at this moment I cherish his feet, but most of all it is to remind me of how blessed I am.

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Christening invitation & Thank you

You can't really see the writing and this is not what the invite looked like. I printed the words onto a white transparent paper that had a pearl sheen to it, I then punched two holes at the top and with a piece of blue ribbon tied the white paper to a blue card that I had cut to size.

The Thank you card was much smaller and was printed onto plain white paper and then stuck to blue cardboard.

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I can't seem to find Ellies invite and the birth announcement can be found here

Invitation & Thankyou

This was the invite that I sent for Jordy's Birthday, I made it myself and printed them at home. I saw a similar Invite on line and I just new that I could make one just as good. It took me a while and I loved doing it. I downloaded the Fonts from and then used Paint to manually colour in the Train. I used Microsoft Power Point to create the invite and downloaded the balloons as a picture and just copied and changed the colour.

This is the Thank you card that I also made. The photo was a taken when Jordan was 10 months old but know one knows son loves to sleep in the most weird positions.

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I have made Jordan's Birth announcement & Thankyou his Christening invites, now his Birthday invites. I also made Ellie's Invites. Perhaps this could be a new career for me? But I'm keen to know what you think, I will post the other examples as well.

Party Photos!

My Mum made the cake, and I decorated it, you can tell by the Icing letters as they are a little bent. The theme for Jordy's party was colourful, I could've easily done a Thomas the Tank theme or Bob theme, but I know that right now Jordan loves colour anything colourful attracts his eyes and sweet little hands...and eventually his mouth!

This in my little Family!

This is the after shot, it is 9:30pm and Jordy is still going strong...what a party animal!

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

To my Birthday boy!

Happy 1st Birthday my precious little man!

This morning I woke to the sound of your talking, you were happily talking away to your beloved red doggie teddy Rolfy. I lay there listening to your talking remembering the mornings when I would be awaken by your hungry cries for food or demanding that I pay attention to your nappy.

When I walked into your room you greeted me by standing in your cot Rolfy in one hand happily smiling, and when I walked over you started jumping up and down with excitement and giggling. What a way to start the day with a greeting like that!

This past year has been full of firsts, your first cry when you were born. Your first cuddle when you were placed in my arms. Your first bath, where you happily floated in the sink full of warm water.
Your first smile,
Your first giggle
Your first laugh
The first time you rolled over
The first time you sat by yourself
Your first commando crawl
The first time your pulled yourself up to stand
Your first Christmas
Your first Easter
Your first Fathers Day
Your first Mothers Day

So many new things were again discovered through your eyes. I love it how you are so fascinated with bright lights. Your eyes shine and twinkle when you are being so cheeky.

The happiness and love that you have brought to our lives is the reason why I never gave up in trying to conceive you. I miss your baby smell and your baby antics but I cherish the little boy I see before me now.

I was scared and terrified that you would not love me as much as I love you but all I have to do is look into your eyes to see the unconditional love you have for us. You will look for me in the room and smile, it is our secret cheeky I saw my Mummy smile that just fills my heart to the brim.

My precious little man Happy first Birthday, with all my heart and soul.
Your Mummy.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Next Week

Next Wednesday marks a very special occasion, Jordan will be a year old and while I’m busy preparing for his big Birthday bash. All of us are sick with the flu and I’m sick of being sick.

We have all been suffering off and on for 6 weeks now and I’ve taken so much time off work because Jordan has been so unwell, poor little man.
The amazing thing is that he is such a trooper, even while having his nose blocked and a bad cough he still happily crawls around on the floor playing. Nothing will stand in the way of Jordan playing!

I had a real fright during these 6 weeks as at one stage Jordan had a really high temperature and Panadol wouldn’t take it down even though we were administering it every 4 hours. A Tepid bath helped but we resorted to using Baby Nurofen which worked within 15 minutes.

I look back over the year and what a year it has been! I’ve never been more happier and yet at the same time never felt more inadequate, anxious and guilty. Yes guilty, almost everything that I do I can easily find a way to make myself feel guilty.

Having someone baby sit Jordan so that we could go to the Movies (only rarely done) – brings on thoughts like “Why did you have a child just to leave him with someone else?” Or going back to work – oh boy the guilt there is unbelievable, it is made especially worse that Jordan is in a Child Care centre 2 days a week and he cries so much when I leave him. It breaks my heart every single time.

I just hope that we all get over this bout of flu/cold whatever before Jordan’s big special day!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Catch up

Hi there, glad you stopped by, take a seat and lets catch up. I know its been a while but that does not mean I haven’t thought about you. Would you like a coffee, tea or a tim tam?

Let me catch you up on our news:


We are NOT moving…yay!!! The contract has still not come through and at this point I don’t think that it ever will. But in the mean time Tim was getting really frustrated with his job and decided to look for similar opportunities here in Melbourne.

I’m proud and happy to announce that our little company is up and running and as I type this Tim is working his first day as his own boss. As most things happen in our life, there was a whirl wind of activity and we got it set up in such a rush that we really didn’t have time to stress.

The whole business feels so right, it is a step in the direction we want in our life. We are not ruling out moving interstate at this point in time, and when the time comes we will still seriously consider it. But between you and me, I don’t think that we will go.


I never thought that I would like being a support person but I do. It surprises me that I feel so fulfilled with the role. I guess that it really has to do with the people I work with.

After 3 months though I still don’t think that I’m making an impact. I try and try to help and alleviate work of others, there is just something that is holding it up.


My little man was very sick the last week and a half, with high fevers and blocked nose and now a very bad chest cold. Bronchiolitis is not fun when you have an almost 11 month old.

Most recently there were at least 3 days where his fever was between 38-40◦C. Even though I administered Paracetamol every 4 hours it would not bring down his temperature, so we took to bathing him after the Paracetamol which sort of worked. Nuerofen (sp?) seemed to help much more, within half an hour of giving it to him his temperature had dropped.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

10 Months

Jordan at 10 Months

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

9 months

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8 months

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7 Months

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No title

This post has been long time in coming.

These days I feel as though I really don't have much to say or write. Life being busy is an understatement, I don't get much time to blog or really do anything.

I would like to get back into writting has it has been so useful.

But here is a quick snap shot of where we are with things:

Camando crawling, sitting, clapping, waving, walking when holding his hands and standing. Only two teeth so far. Bath times are real fun, we basically put him in the baby bath into the big bath and stand near the door otherwise we are soaked through.

He is not shy and will happily bestow a smile to anyone that gives him some attention. A happy little boy.

Who ever thought that I would LOVE being a support person rather than being in development. Perhaps the powers that be did, as I do love my job and everything that goes along with it. Very rewarding and the team is just...well like a little family.

Can you believe there is still no news, we found out about this opportunity in January and we still have not seen a contract or have heard of any date that it will come through. Tim and I are getting sick of waiting and if we were handed the contract today, I doubt that we would go as I love my job, the friends that I've made and we are settled here.
In the meantime we are trying to find a similar contract here in Melbourne so that we can stay...I really want to stay.
We just don't know and we both hate being in this limbo land of uncertainty.

Family & Friends
A new nephew was born on mother's day about 2 weeks early but so very beautiful. G and Zs are pregnant about 8 weeks, and perhaps the infertile in my has subsided a bit because I'm so very happy for them. Perhaps it was because they took a few months of trying and Zs finally was able to understand, she was given a glance into the dissappointments I suffered month after month.
My parents and in-law just love looking after Jordy while I'm at work and he loves being with them.

And here I thought that I had nothing to say...go figure.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Remember Blessings

This post may seem appropriate given the day and it has been rattling around in my head for a week or so. But before I get to this gist of this is a quick update:

Back at work, and whilst I felt so guilty about leaving him and hated where I was placed. I’ve worked through these issue and am happy, actually happy. The extra money helps and stress of finances has lifted and I get to have some me time during the day. I spend more time with Jordan than I do at work which suits me. The work part of it is great, new challenging, it was not something I wanted to do and even tried my hardest to get out, but it seems that I’ve been put there for a reason and who knew that I would enjoy it so much?

No news yet, it is just a matter of waiting. In the meantime we are slowly getting the house ready.

He is now sitting, my little man with two teeth is sitting and he is such a happy baby. He may not crawl yet and he may not be as active on the floor but he is happy and I’m not going to push him.

/-----End Update------/

I have completed the PND group sessions and meet some wonderful caring people who get me and my situation. There is nothing like having someone who just gets you.

In the last session we were asked to choose a couple of cards that reflect what we had learnt. I choose “Being Thankful” and “Remember Blessings”.

I’m deeply thankful to the counsellor for not letting me go, after seeing the Phycologist I thought that I was fine, over the hurdle, passed the issues I was having. In reality I was deluding myself. I was not “depressed” perse it was hard not to control the negative thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and recognising when it was getting too much.

I’m thankful for opening my eyes to reality that I was most likely suffering from anxiety and depression during the pregnancy. I can remember hyperventilating on the tram to work one day as I just didn’t want to go there…that was a sign and sign to slow down and a sign that I missed because I didn’t know better.

Remember blessing is to simply remember that I have my baby, my wonderful boy that brings so much love and laughter to my life. I sometimes stress about meeting his needs and being the “perfect mother” when I just need to remember that I have been blessed with this gift and to just cherish it. Jordan won’t know that he does not have the latest Pumpkin patch outfit…but he will notice and miss the time we play together.

I also need to remember that I almost died and I need to remember that I was blessed with a second chance. I came so very close and ignoring what happened to me is being stupid. I won’t dwell on it but I need to remember that it God, the universe or mother earth would not let me go. I am here for a reason and it is not to be some negative thinking, doubting blubbering mess. I have more to give and more to learn…there is just more.

So after just a short 8 weeks I feel like a different person and for it to last like this I need to work at it.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Catch up

Bugsy asked the hard question the other day…How are YOU doing? took me a few days to get enough courage to write about things but the answer to that question is that I’m OK…if I take it day to day I’m ok.

I can now come clean with everything that will be happening as most of my family knows and those that have not been told do not read this blog.


I’m going back to work…I don’t want to and it took me a good week and a great counselling session to work through all the anxiety. I am ok with it now and even looking forward to it.

Living from pay to pay is not easy, living on such a strict budget is also very tough. So the extra money will help for the moment. Initially I will be back 3 days a week and Jordan will be spoilt with the care of both his Grandparents. 2 days my mother will be looking after him and the other Tim’s mum will be looking after him.

I’m still trying to get an understanding for when I will start…work does not know this but it will only be for a short time….3-4 months and the reason for this…we are moving to Queensland.


Tim has been given an opportunity that we just can’t turn our backs on. He will be changing jobs and we will be starting our own Business. The earning potential is significant…very significant and if we play the financial game right this opportunity will set us up for life.

It will give us a chance for the life we have always dreamed off….I would be able to be a Stay at home Mum, I could work part time. The pressure will be off me to be the Bread earner…Tim will be taking on that role. But the down side is that we need to move to Queensland for minimum of 5 years.

My mother was snooping the other day and found the many lists I have going regarding this venture…I needed to start writing lists just to survive the anxiety. Whilst they are upset that we will be going…they recognise it is an opportunity that you just can’t give up.

The plan

When everything is ready to start, Tim will be heading up to Brisbane first whilst I work off the 3-4 months, in the meantime we are busy packing the house and getting it ready to rent out. The first few months of the venture will be really hard but I’m planning on moving in with my parents with Jordan after the furniture is sent up….at least that way I will not be too lonely and we will be taking it turns to visiting each other on the weekends.
Since the end of January we have known about this opportunity but I really couldn’t talk about it…as we were deciding “If” we would be doing it. Now it is just a matter of “When”.


There are still some really tough days and as you can imagine with such a big huge life decision being made and a baby to look after…you can understand why at times it can be a bit too much (well I hope that you an understand).

The hardest part of having Post Natal Depression is that I’m also infertile…there is already guilt about having a healthy live baby…while still there are so many in the trenches struggling. Then there is the guilt of being Depressed with a healthy living baby…but I have learnt that it is ok to feel this way.

It is getting better, I’ve spent a lot of time talking and working on things and keeping negative people out of my life and it is working. There are still people that I can’t avoid but I can choose how I deal with them and most of the time it is just to walk away.

It is hard to explain how things are…so I will give you an example…the other day for Jordan’s 6 month check up the Mother & Child Heath Care nurse mentioned that Jordan’s weight for his height was in the 25th percentile and it was said in an informative way…not condescending just letting me know (his length is 69cm and weight is 7.7kg), now even weeks later there are times when it creeps into my head that he needs to put on more weight and his is too skinny.

I take something that is innocently said and my mind turns it into something negative and relating it too my bad mothering skills. Now whilst I know that he is NOT underweight…and I KNOW that he is healthy…my mind likes to make it out that I’m the worst mother ever to walk this earth.

But I have learnt and it is even so very hard to write these words…but I’m starting to believe that “I am a great mother”.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Happy 14th Birthday

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Dear Tina

Happy 14th Birthday, you are so beautiful and such an amazing person!

14 years ago you were born today and I can remember that day so clearly. Your Dad droped into Mamma and Pappa's house he had tears in his eyes when I opened the door and annouced "I have another daughter". I quickly went into my room and cried happy tears...another neice to love and cherish.

I had not even met you but I loved you with all my heart,
I had not even seen you but I knew you as though you were my own,
I had not heard you but still loved you
I had not held you but knew you completely.

It may seem as though your sister takes up all my heart...actually she takes up a lot of attention (the little drama queen) but you must never ever forget that I love you unconditionally.

I hope that you have a great day on this special day.

Lots of love your Godmother