Thursday, March 17, 2005


I’ve had the past 3 days to think about a lot of things that is currently going on in my life and where I want to head and what is most important to me.

This last miscarriage, if nothing else has taught me that even if I pushed things as in continue with OI in this obsessive manner. My Bobim will not stay with me until my body is ready.

Now my heart, mind and soul is ready for our Bobim, but I don’t think that my body is ready for one. What is keeping me back is my weight. I think that J was right and that I have to drop some of this weight.

These decisions that I have made I have fought with my heart and soul against. I don’t want to stop TTCing for God’s sake, but I think that I do need a break from it all.

I need to get my life in order, take some control back. I need to start cooking for my self and not let someone else say “this is diet food” when the meal is swimming in cream.

I thought that it was important for me to push for a promotion at work and work my butt of every day. At the end of the day it has always been drummed into me that work is very important and “You should work hard”.

Yesterday the GP and I talked a lot about everything that was and is going on in my life. Wether or not I continue with OI, my diet and TTLW (trying to loose weight), my work, home life everything.

I admitted to my GP shyly that I’ve been thinking about going to see a counsellor as I feel as though I can’t really cope with a lot of things that is going on in my life and kind of feel out of control. We agreed that I will be seeing her on a weekly or fortnightly basis.

I told the GP about the BSS diet and she told me doing that sort of diet is restrictive and too much to quick. Which I have to agree with, I’m so confused about the whole diet and change of lifestyle thing. I’ve tried and it has never really worked for me.

My task this week, even though I am following the BSS diet (well partially) is to add two pieces of fruit everyday. On another note I have lost another kilo..making it 2.5 kilos altogether another 34.5 kilos to go.

We talked about the number of hours that I work being a full time employee 36.25 hours a week doesn’t seem too much, except when you add another 12.5 hours travel per week. The GP is writing a letter to my Manager that I’m to only work no more than 30 hours per week.

Giving me a day off every week or a compromise of working from home, I have yet to discuss this with my Boss and I’m really scared that they won’t allow me to do this. There is already a resource shortage at work. But I honestly feel that if I am going to achieve my goals I can’t do it whilst working full time. My GP is totally behind me and agrees that my weight and my TTC issues are serious medical reasons for me to be concentrating on my life.

In summary; I will be holding off TTC with AC for a few months maybe only 2, depending when my next period turns up. I will be TTLW with a combination of no BSS, GP advice and my old Sure Slim diet. I will be talking to my boss (after my annual pay rise) about cutting back my hours. I will also be having fortnightly massages (weekly seems a bit excessive) and I will be actively going back to the gym, water aerobics.

My aim is to be pregnant within a year of now, along with being 34.5kg lighter and if after all that I still don’t have Bobim with me then I think that I will do something very, extremely drastic.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The cycle that was

It started off with having to take Provera to bring on my period, it took 3 weeks for it to start instead of the normal 10days. My baseline b/t and u/s were ok and I started on 150iu of Gonal-f and had my u/s, where it showed that my follicles were growing too slowly.

So I continued with the Gonal-f, when my ovaries finally caught up with the worlds expectations and I was to have my trigger. I now call that night the Pregnyl incident, the fear and emotions have still not left me.

Then the intercourse episode of the morning timeframe, also at the same time I had really bad diahorea. Then last Monday I had to the worst constipation in my life, I was bloated like a balloon.

My breasts were sore extremely sore and I had really bad nausea. Even threw my dinner up one night. Then last Thursday during the day I had this awful feeling on the back of my throat it hurt to breathe in through my nose.

This was just before our long weekend where we were meant to go away with our visitors. So I checked and I had a slight fever and took Panadol (Paracetamol) and only one Day and Night tablet. All packaging said it was ok to take if pregnant, well the Day and night tablets for head colds only mentioned that if pregnant seek medical advice. I thought that one or two wouldn’t hurt…surely?!?!?!

Friday I wake up with a bad head cold and I didn’t sleep too well was up every hour going to the toilet (good sign I hear you say) and blowing my nose and was so very thirsty. Off to work were I only lasted half the day (there was an event for the half of the day that I didn’t go to). One the way home went to the Chemist who told me that IF I maybe pregnant I can’t take anything, not even Paracetamol.

I just felt like I was punched in the chest…what did I do to myself and my unborn (yet unknown if present baby), would two heads be growing? Would it be like monsters or would it die all because I wasn’t feeling to well.

We were meant to leave for our trip the following morning at 6am and I could hardly stand being so fucken dizzy. I jumped into bed and tried to sleep, but couldn’t as my nose was blocked and I couldn’t even use my nasal spray…another thing to add to my guilt list. I had used my nasal spray at couple of times during the cycle.

I eventually got up when Mimi got home and packed for the trip, all I could do that night was drink water and try to keep my temperature down as much as possible. Saturday morning we set off and I felt like crap used a box of tissues in the time it took us to get to our destination.

During the 6 hour drive that took us over 12 hours (we stopped a lot) I was sneezing quite a bit and was stressing about the pressure and the cramping action the whole time. How would this affect little Bobim? I didn’t worry too much until everytime I sneezed a great gush of CM would come out of me…OH GOD, THIS IS NOT GOOD. Were my thoughts, now I’m in a car with three other people can’t really ask Mimi to pull over to check my underwear to see if the CM was bloody. COULD I?

Sunday I continued to sneeze and have constant gushing sensations, when the CM started turning pink, I nearly freaked out and lost it. I was either getting my period or making myself miscarry were my thoughts.

During the trip our visitors wanted to eat Seafood wanting to try new things, so I had a lot of fish (I don’t usually eat fish), I made sure that I kept to well cooked dishes and stayed away from the sushi types of foods. But in the back of my mind I was stressing about this, I had heard that you shouldn’t eat fish if you were pregnant.

The worst was about to happen to me, Monday morning at 4am I wake worst pain I have ever experienced before in my life. My left ovary felt like it was about to explode. I went to the toilet and it sounded like I was peeing but in truth it was the was constant blood coming out of me.

My period had arrived or I was miscarrying in a motel room 6 hours away from home and hospital and my doctors. We were leaving for home that day. I had to take something for the pain as I wouldn’t not have been able to function. We didn’t take 12 hours to get home but we did stop for a tour and a look at a few places. I can’t remember much of the tour as every step was excruciating pain. I don’t know how I did it but I put up with the pain.

In the afternoon after eating lunch and our last leg of the drive I sat in the back with Mimi and cried silently most of the way home. The pain was bad and I was potentially loosing another Bobim. This would make it Three times that I lost my Bobim.

I didn’t go to the hospital as by the time I got home the pain has subsided a little, instead I went to bed and tried to sleep. But I was up every hour to change my pad and walk the pain off (iykwim). Tuesday morning Mimi went to work and I stayed home I couldn’t face a day at work in the amount of pain I was feeling in my pelvis and my heart.

I called P and she advised me to go to the GP, Mimi came home from work early to take me and I was off to have b/t and u/s. With the thought that I maybe suffering an ectopic pregnancy. U/s showed only my polycyctic ovaries but no embbie present in my fallopian tubes.

This afternoon it was confirmed that I had another miscarriage, my third one, the beta hCG was 31. Third time of Ovulation Induction third time a successful pregnancy third time miscarriage…my worst fear was here. I lost another Bobim.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Small Update

What a day, I really didn’t want to go to work today. It seems that it is getting harder and harder to go, I’ve got a lot to do and have been given a great opportunity with my job in regards to an advancement. But I just can’t find the strength and motivation to go.

I had another b/t this morning and my levels are as follows:
Friday Today
Oestrogen 1239 1685 (approx)
Progesterone 31 85

The nurse was very happy and didn’t mention that I will be receiving a period soon. She just asked if we had made an appointment for the hCG b/t, which we had…9 more sleeps.

I don’t know what to make of all this, I did ask if this indicated that I was pg, but she told (not so nicely) that she didn’t say that I was pregnant. So I asked what it meant that my progesterone levels rose. I was told that IF something had implanted then I had enough hormones to sustain a pregnancy.

I then asked her if my Progesterone levels had dropped would that mean that I’m getting my period…she replied yes. The only thing that baffled me was that I’m took Pregnyl and wasn’t sure if Pregnyl contained Progesterone…did some searching and it seems that it doesn’t, but I could be wrong.

Who knows…all I know is that my nurse is happy with my levels and I’m quietly happy too, don’t really know what to make of all this…9 more sleeps.

Monday, March 07, 2005

10 more sleeps

The 2WW is a dreaded time for those that don’t have a lot of patients. I still have not had the time to go into my special room and look at all the clothes. My visitors are still with us and that room is pretty packed.

I’m very much constipated atm, and am in a lot of pain with cramping and being just blocked up. I try not to let my mind automatically think that it is because I maybe pregnant, as I have read with the increase in progesterone lead to constipation.

But I also suffer from IBS which means for me uber bad diarrhoea. So who knows, my mind then remembers the small piece of bread that I ate and thinks that my body is blocked up because I broke the No BSS rules.

I then start to wonder about the pain, if there is an embbie present then the pain and discomfort that I’m feeling wouldn’t be very good for our little one.

I have 10 more sleeps until I officially know if I’m pg, but I think but then I will be a nervous reck.

BTW – If you can’t read one of the comments posted here, they are short messages from my father who is writing on Hungarian. The latest message was “Patients will bring you roses”. It’s my fathers way of telling me to “Just relax”. I don’t think that he read the previous posts…relaxing won’t get me pregnant, plus I’ve lost two little ones. I’m going to stress out about anything and everything, but Apu I do love you and thankyou for reading.

Friday, March 04, 2005

The date has been set

The place has been booked and now I’m officially in the 2WW. It was confirmed this afternoon that I ovulated. I always love hearing that and I never tire of receiving such good news.

The stabbing of the injectibles the little bruises that I have scattered across my tummy and the big Pregnyl 5000 incident all paid off in the end. My ovaries co-operated and released an egg.

Now all I have to do is wait patiently until the 17th of March (I will be 17DPO), I’m not a patient person but the 2WW is not that bad for me, some women that I know and chat with hate this time and I can relate and can totally understand where they are coming from.

For me I spend the 2WW in my hope / dream land where I allow myself the time to wonder and do the “What if” game. It is also that time where I go into the room that will be Bobim’s and open the chest and pull out all the clothes, nappies, blankets and towels. I sit there and I re-fold them and put them away.

I often go into that room (I’m in there everyday, when I iron the clothes for work) but I never look into the chest unless I’m in the 2WW. Am I nervous? Hell yes, Am I confident? Hell no. Will I cave and do a HPT early? Of Course!

14 more sleeps until I know.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


We were given instructions on Monday to have sex this morning being Wednesday morning. Now our mornings are very early as I live 45min from the city I need to catch a train to work and I prefer to be early so that it means I can be early coming home.

So Mimi and I were up at 5am this morning “trying” to get in the mood. Now my Mimi wants a child as much as I do, he’s been more ‘into’ this cycle more than I have. So he was determined to do his bit this morning.

Unfortunately once it did not happen, I suggested that we take a nice shower together (lucky we have an ensuite and our visitors are at the other end of the house). After the shower spent quality time with Mimi to ensure that this time he was nice and ready….nope nothing again.

By this time we are both exhausted as we had been going at it (including the shower) for about an hour and a half. Not to mention a bit stressed and pressured, I was ready to chuck in the towel and say Fuck it…we will just “be naughty” (that’s our way of saying “let’s have sex”) tonight. But my darling Mimi was determined that he was not leaving our bedroom until he did his bit.

So we decided to slept for about an hour and woke up and gave “it” one more good shot…finally we had reached our target and the deed was done…but it meant that I had to stay laying on my back with my legs in the air (or up on the edge of the bed) for another half an hour.

It was then that we both decided to stay home for the day, I was already late for work and I was still tired from all the trying we had been doing. Did I feel guilty? Not one bit, no way hose we were really trying to conceive our Bobim.

I can just imagine what it will be like tomorrow:
PM: “Hi M, how are you feeling?”
Me: “Um oh yeah, much better thanks”
PM: “So what was wrong?”
Me: “Honestly?”
PM: “Yes of course”
Me: “Mimi and I spent the morning following my nurse’s instructions and we were bonking our brains out”.
PM: (hushed silence)
Me: “Put that in your bag and smoke it, next time just doesn’t ask ok?”
I hurriedly walk away with out a backwards glance, whilst whistling and smiling.

Next time (if there is a next time) if we are told to do it in the morning, we are simply taking the day off or I will refuse to do it in the morning…too much hassle. I did feel sorry for Mimi though and he was very proud when he reached his goal..LOL.

Disaster Night

That one word sums up the whole night…DISASTER. As a dutiful female going through infertility treatment, I mixed the Pregnyl 5000 early in the night. Getting it ready for my injection time of 8:00pm. But for some reason I couldn’t get rid of the air bubbles, so I left it until our injection time.

8:00pm came around and I again tried to remove the air bubble, instead of the air being slowly pushed out after the meds came spurting out. As you can imagine I freaked out…had a big freak feast.

I then proceed to try and find my doctors emergency number, then remembered that his card is at work. I called my Pharmacy to check if they had Pregnyl 5000 in stock, which they didn’t. I then called Monash Hospital, no help and no advice and but this time I’m getting hysterical.

I needed to take that injection so that I could ovulate and no one would help me. I even called Clayton Pharmacy near the IVF clinic, nothing but they did tell me to call the Bentleigh Pharmacy still nothing. My last resort was to call Epworth Hospital and luckily they had stock but were closing at 10:00pm. I had just over an hour to get there, phew!

On the way to hospital my darling Mimi was yelling at me that I was so stupid and very much like my Mother, when I get angry I just do things with out thinking…like squirting the rest of the meds down the drain. He was also yelling that I was going to “expect” him to preform his husband duties.

By this time I’m hot, sweaty, stressed and wondering if this cycle is cursed to be a disaster. I finally got my meds and I felt like a druggie getting their hit, I was shaking with gratitude when the lady handed over the little brown paper bag.

Nothing really has gone right this cycle, my oestrogen levels didn’t really rise properly and the follicles were growing really slowly and there has not been more than one consecutive night where I’ve had my injection at the designated time. We both keep on forgetting to do the injection. My hopes are not that high this month; it feels like we are cursed.

Plus I keep hearing J voice, other than “Do you want to loose weight”, I now hear “You will have your baby, once your body is ready”. My mind then links both of them to “Your body will NOT be ready until you loose the weight”… Who knows!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


OI Cycle

Today is Cycle Day 16 for me and I haven’t updated in a while with the cycle details so here goes:

Internal u/s last Thursday showed that my Left ovary had a 12mm follicle present and that my Right ovary had a 9mm follicle present, I was not very happy, actually I was quite disappointed that things were not progressing like I was used to.

Then in the afternoon when P (the nurse) called me and told me that my oestrogen level rose from 222 on Monday to 389, I didn’t really know what was going to happen.

In the end I stayed on Gonal-f doing 150ui until this morning here I had another internal u/s and b/t, plus we were “told” to have sex both Saturday and Sunday, just in case I ovulated on my own.

This morning there was a nice big fat juicy follicle present on my Left ovary, unfortunately it was hidden and they had to push down on my ovary so to bring it into view. Normally when they push on my stomach it isn’t too bad but this morning…it hurt like hell, wasn’t a nice feeling.

Just got off the phone with P, oestrogen today was 1643, so that plan is to take the Pregnyl 5000 injection tonight. Have sex tonight, and Wednesday morning and Thursday night. Next b/t is on Friday to see if I need the booster Pregnyl shot the following b/t is on Tuesday to check levels. Next Tuesday I will be 8DPO.


No bread, no sugar, no salt

I have to think of an acronym for this diet or change in “life style” thing that I’m trying to do. What about No BSS?

Last week I ate bread once for lunch just couldn’t help it…was running late in between meetings (one of them was learning how to play bridge…during lunch break), so I grabbed a sandwich. I was invited out for lunch a few times last week and it is hard to order something to eat with NO BSS. So I had salads both times, not too bad.

After work, Agi has been kind enough to cook for us (when they are able to) and she always makes the effort to cook with no BSS for me. Which I great appreciate, must buy her something!

Yesterday we went out to celebrate my Mum’s birthday and it was a set lunch you couldn’t order your own meal. Even though it was lovely and you wouldn’t think any of it contained too much fat, it was hard to gage that there was infact no BSS.

In the morning I spent 2 hours doing my grocery shopping Mimi would say that I was dawdling, but I really spent that time looking at just about everything you can eat to see if there was any BSS present in the ingredients. I was so disappointed and really pissed off that the things I thought were OK were infact not OK…BSS was present. The cereal that I was eating all week had fucken salt present. Pasta has salt, sauces even organic stuff has both sugar and salt, even the seasoning that I sometimes use on meat has salt present. I just can’t win.

It seems that for me to be able to do this BSS thing I will need to make everything that I want to eat and only eat fresh things like fruits, veggies and meat. Nothing at all processed, which is hard to even start thinking about.

But I’ve decided to pull out my old Sure Slim diet guide again and have a look at the foods that I was “allowed” to eat and modify it to exclude BSS.