Some may have noticed my absence from the posting world, I don't really want to go into too much detail, other than my Family needed me.
After a little scare with my blood pressure which dropped to 100 over 50, Bobim and I are ok.
I'm looking forward to the start of my Physio / Midwife Classes tomorrow night.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Third OB appointment
I have totally forgotten to mention how my OB appointment went on the 18th. This time Tim came with me, which I was glad for as he too needs to meet the Dr.
Weight again a loss, urine sample normal, blood pressure normal and heart beat of Bobim just right. Dr felt around on my tummy and was very satisfied all in all a very uneventful visit, perhaps this is why I’ve forgotten to mention it.
This time I did go with a list of questions, which were mainly around some of the topics that I’ve seen on EB. I mentioned to him that I read in a book that you shouldn’t really sleep on your back and only on a particular side. His response was to stop reading books and went onto explain that during labour they sometimes roll women onto their sides to alleviate the back pain and he believes that it was then assumed by some authors as a crucial need during pregnancy. I was advised to sleep how I wanted to.
Then I went onto mention my weight loss and how I’m not even trying to loose weight it just seems to be coming off me. It is not like I’m exercising or even starving myself.
His response was BONUS! I was told if manageable for me to even loose another 10kg before the birth or stay at my current weight with the baby growing but me loosing weight. He was more worried if I were to gain too much weight, due to recovery times and the potential for a difficult pregnancy and difficult birth.
Since I fell pregnant I have lost roughly 11.5 kilo’s an amazing amount of weight considering there is something inside me that should be making me gain weight.
I must admit that I was concerned that Bobim was not getting everything he needed from me and that I was doing the wrong thing. But with the OB’s reassurance I feel much better. I feel the need to stress that I have not been dieting, shit I’m a bad pregnant infertile as I admit that I eat crap! I don’t exercise, shit I catch the tram instead of walking to the train station, which is 2 blocks away from my work and it is down hill!
Next appointment was 4 weeks from then and it is the 15th May.
Weight again a loss, urine sample normal, blood pressure normal and heart beat of Bobim just right. Dr felt around on my tummy and was very satisfied all in all a very uneventful visit, perhaps this is why I’ve forgotten to mention it.
This time I did go with a list of questions, which were mainly around some of the topics that I’ve seen on EB. I mentioned to him that I read in a book that you shouldn’t really sleep on your back and only on a particular side. His response was to stop reading books and went onto explain that during labour they sometimes roll women onto their sides to alleviate the back pain and he believes that it was then assumed by some authors as a crucial need during pregnancy. I was advised to sleep how I wanted to.
Then I went onto mention my weight loss and how I’m not even trying to loose weight it just seems to be coming off me. It is not like I’m exercising or even starving myself.
His response was BONUS! I was told if manageable for me to even loose another 10kg before the birth or stay at my current weight with the baby growing but me loosing weight. He was more worried if I were to gain too much weight, due to recovery times and the potential for a difficult pregnancy and difficult birth.
Since I fell pregnant I have lost roughly 11.5 kilo’s an amazing amount of weight considering there is something inside me that should be making me gain weight.
I must admit that I was concerned that Bobim was not getting everything he needed from me and that I was doing the wrong thing. But with the OB’s reassurance I feel much better. I feel the need to stress that I have not been dieting, shit I’m a bad pregnant infertile as I admit that I eat crap! I don’t exercise, shit I catch the tram instead of walking to the train station, which is 2 blocks away from my work and it is down hill!
Next appointment was 4 weeks from then and it is the 15th May.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Ramblings
I can’t think of a better title post, but I have a great need to dump this crap out of my system.
Today is just not a good day to be around me. I don’t want to be here at work, I would rather be at home and I hate the prospect of potentially needing to work tomorrow when it is a Public Holiday.
A work colleague of mine often sees me surfing others blogs during my lunch breaks and asked me why I would even think of broadcasting my feelings thoughts on the net. It got me thinking, why is that I blog?
I met another IF yesterday afternoon, I had ‘known of’ her for a while but we had not meet before. Without going into too much detail of her experience, she is further down the AC road than I was, and unfortunately would’ve been due at the same time as me, if she had not miscarried her twins. So unfair, and I admitted to her that I was nervous about meeting her and being pregnant as it was such an in your face reminder.
We probably spent the whole afternoon talking IF and everything to do with it; it was nice to meet another that just ‘got it’. Which is how fucked up the IF / AC road really is.
I spoke of my blog and the need to read others in the same situation, during our conversation I was shocked that she also felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge of how common IF really is. This brought out the main reason for this blog, I started surfing the net and getting hooked into Baby TTC websites purely because I NEEDED to know that I was not alone.
I even went onto say that the main reason I blog about everything to do with this journey is so that 1) I don’t ever forget this crap (not that it is likely) 2) Even if someone is reading my rubbish and who is also having a bad day and realises that the IF world is not that big and they are not alone then I’ve achieved far more than what I set out do.
But why blog now that I’m pregnant? I think it is because I’m not there yet, I have not reach my destination and once Bobim is here, I know that I will still feel Infertile. Plus Tim and I are already planning on waiting a year to try again, why? Well if Bobim #2 is going to take another fucking 3 years then we feel that we better start soon.
Our biggest regret in our marriage to date for both of us is that we did wait so long to start….
My Bobim update is simply that the Bumps and tickles have now progress to some kind of weird gassy feeling that feels like more of a smallish ball being dropped and kicked and punched….Moving on from Bumps ‘n tickles to Kicks and Punches.
Today is just not a good day to be around me. I don’t want to be here at work, I would rather be at home and I hate the prospect of potentially needing to work tomorrow when it is a Public Holiday.
A work colleague of mine often sees me surfing others blogs during my lunch breaks and asked me why I would even think of broadcasting my feelings thoughts on the net. It got me thinking, why is that I blog?
I met another IF yesterday afternoon, I had ‘known of’ her for a while but we had not meet before. Without going into too much detail of her experience, she is further down the AC road than I was, and unfortunately would’ve been due at the same time as me, if she had not miscarried her twins. So unfair, and I admitted to her that I was nervous about meeting her and being pregnant as it was such an in your face reminder.
We probably spent the whole afternoon talking IF and everything to do with it; it was nice to meet another that just ‘got it’. Which is how fucked up the IF / AC road really is.
I spoke of my blog and the need to read others in the same situation, during our conversation I was shocked that she also felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge of how common IF really is. This brought out the main reason for this blog, I started surfing the net and getting hooked into Baby TTC websites purely because I NEEDED to know that I was not alone.
I even went onto say that the main reason I blog about everything to do with this journey is so that 1) I don’t ever forget this crap (not that it is likely) 2) Even if someone is reading my rubbish and who is also having a bad day and realises that the IF world is not that big and they are not alone then I’ve achieved far more than what I set out do.
But why blog now that I’m pregnant? I think it is because I’m not there yet, I have not reach my destination and once Bobim is here, I know that I will still feel Infertile. Plus Tim and I are already planning on waiting a year to try again, why? Well if Bobim #2 is going to take another fucking 3 years then we feel that we better start soon.
Our biggest regret in our marriage to date for both of us is that we did wait so long to start….
My Bobim update is simply that the Bumps and tickles have now progress to some kind of weird gassy feeling that feels like more of a smallish ball being dropped and kicked and punched….Moving on from Bumps ‘n tickles to Kicks and Punches.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Easter 2006 in Review
It has been a little while since I updated. Not once did I think about logging onto a PC over the Easter break.
Tim and I had planned on building a Gate at the side of our house, it has been on our list of things to do for a long time. It is a great sense of achievement when I pull up into the drive and see the Gate there. It means that we can get moving onto some other tasks that are on our list of things to do.
My parents spent most of the break with us, it was nice to have others in the house. The only thing that I found quite difficult to deal with was the way Anyu was treating me like an invalid. I was not allowed to reach for anything and was not allowed to lift anything, it just got very annoying.
Saturday night we had dinner at my sisters place and for once this year she did not drink at all. I would like to know how she went on Easter Day but I was more than relieved that she didn’t do it with just us there.
Easter Sunday we had lunch at my in law’s and it was nice to see my SIL, BIL and little nephew. What a cute little boy and so very well behaved, he likes to be held during the day whilst asleep and I love my SIL for allowing me to holding for a long time. At one point I had Nephew kicking me on the outside and Bobim kicking me on the inside. It was a beautiful feeling.
Tim and I had planned on building a Gate at the side of our house, it has been on our list of things to do for a long time. It is a great sense of achievement when I pull up into the drive and see the Gate there. It means that we can get moving onto some other tasks that are on our list of things to do.
My parents spent most of the break with us, it was nice to have others in the house. The only thing that I found quite difficult to deal with was the way Anyu was treating me like an invalid. I was not allowed to reach for anything and was not allowed to lift anything, it just got very annoying.
Saturday night we had dinner at my sisters place and for once this year she did not drink at all. I would like to know how she went on Easter Day but I was more than relieved that she didn’t do it with just us there.
Easter Sunday we had lunch at my in law’s and it was nice to see my SIL, BIL and little nephew. What a cute little boy and so very well behaved, he likes to be held during the day whilst asleep and I love my SIL for allowing me to holding for a long time. At one point I had Nephew kicking me on the outside and Bobim kicking me on the inside. It was a beautiful feeling.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Bits and peices
There are so many small things that I’ve been wanting to blog about recently that I thought that I would put them all into one post.
Garlic
It is the root / vegtable of all evil in my book. I do not cook with it and in my culture that is unheard off, “you must have garlic tis the essence of life right?..WRONG” I don’t mind the smell of it when it is cooking, I just can’t handle the smell of what is does to ones breath and body odour.
Before I was pregnant I could tolerate the smell, you know the next morning, 2 hour after you’ve eaten it smell. But now I’m dry retching at the hint of it. In my books it is deemed evil and should NOT be allowed in my presences. There was a weekend not too long ago where my darling Mimi ate, some garlic pizza and pasta that was swimming in the evil stuff. I could not sleep in the same room as him that night. It was awful, it almost got that bad that I needed to leave the house, as the smell was wafting down the corridor to the room I was attempting to sleep in.
Vics under the nose and eucalyptus oil on the bed did nothing to help over power the God damn smell and I threw up my breakfast because I happened to walk in the bedroom…nice huh. I have since nicely convinced my Mimi that garlic is off limits, until after….way after Bobim is born.
Weight and Train rides
I’ve already mentioned that I’m overweight, but I have not really talked about how it affects my self esteem. You name the diet and I have tried it, the only one that worked was the Sure Slim one. I have mentioned before that since I’ve fallen pregnant with Bobim that I have been loosing weight, it is not like I’m trying. The kg’s just seem to be dropping.
I can feel my baby bump, but to the public and even my family you would not be able to tell that I’m 5 months pregnant, my belly is just too large. But I’m ok with this, as long as I feel my little one moving around then it is all the reassurance I need.
The public transport here is not that bad in my opinion, I travel 2 hours a day to and from work. The line that I catch is always full of people and I also go out of my way to get to a Train station to ensure that I get a seat. There is not a lot of leg room and the seats a quite squashed together, and my largeness doesn’t help with it all. But it has never been a problem until last night.
As is the norm the train was packed and when this lady sat down next to me, I attempted to move across but was already squashed against the wall the train, she asked kindly for me to move, but there was just no room. The lady in front of me already had her legs in between mine. All through the train trip, the lady (read skinny arsed bitch) was huffing and puffing, rattling her newspaper. Every time she turned her page I got an elbow in my hip and eventually when she got off the train, before getting up I received another nice big elbow for good measure.
Normally this kind of situation would not bother me, I’ve made peace with how I look and really don’t care what other think. I just hated how she made me feel, I was embarrassed and ashamed, about the fact that my right leg was over on her side of the chair. I hated the power she took and used to make me feel small.
I wanted to talk about this as it bother me last night and I didn’t want to give this “skinny arsed bitch” anymore power over me and hindsight is a bad thing…as I would’ve love to have said as she was getting off the train “Excuse me but you seem to have left your elbow in my hip…” or “I hope that you enjoyed poking and abusing a pregnant women”. But I didn’t, I sat there blushing as I willingly gave her to power to make me feel like dirt.
Garlic
It is the root / vegtable of all evil in my book. I do not cook with it and in my culture that is unheard off, “you must have garlic tis the essence of life right?..WRONG” I don’t mind the smell of it when it is cooking, I just can’t handle the smell of what is does to ones breath and body odour.
Before I was pregnant I could tolerate the smell, you know the next morning, 2 hour after you’ve eaten it smell. But now I’m dry retching at the hint of it. In my books it is deemed evil and should NOT be allowed in my presences. There was a weekend not too long ago where my darling Mimi ate, some garlic pizza and pasta that was swimming in the evil stuff. I could not sleep in the same room as him that night. It was awful, it almost got that bad that I needed to leave the house, as the smell was wafting down the corridor to the room I was attempting to sleep in.
Vics under the nose and eucalyptus oil on the bed did nothing to help over power the God damn smell and I threw up my breakfast because I happened to walk in the bedroom…nice huh. I have since nicely convinced my Mimi that garlic is off limits, until after….way after Bobim is born.
Weight and Train rides
I’ve already mentioned that I’m overweight, but I have not really talked about how it affects my self esteem. You name the diet and I have tried it, the only one that worked was the Sure Slim one. I have mentioned before that since I’ve fallen pregnant with Bobim that I have been loosing weight, it is not like I’m trying. The kg’s just seem to be dropping.
I can feel my baby bump, but to the public and even my family you would not be able to tell that I’m 5 months pregnant, my belly is just too large. But I’m ok with this, as long as I feel my little one moving around then it is all the reassurance I need.
The public transport here is not that bad in my opinion, I travel 2 hours a day to and from work. The line that I catch is always full of people and I also go out of my way to get to a Train station to ensure that I get a seat. There is not a lot of leg room and the seats a quite squashed together, and my largeness doesn’t help with it all. But it has never been a problem until last night.
As is the norm the train was packed and when this lady sat down next to me, I attempted to move across but was already squashed against the wall the train, she asked kindly for me to move, but there was just no room. The lady in front of me already had her legs in between mine. All through the train trip, the lady (read skinny arsed bitch) was huffing and puffing, rattling her newspaper. Every time she turned her page I got an elbow in my hip and eventually when she got off the train, before getting up I received another nice big elbow for good measure.
Normally this kind of situation would not bother me, I’ve made peace with how I look and really don’t care what other think. I just hated how she made me feel, I was embarrassed and ashamed, about the fact that my right leg was over on her side of the chair. I hated the power she took and used to make me feel small.
I wanted to talk about this as it bother me last night and I didn’t want to give this “skinny arsed bitch” anymore power over me and hindsight is a bad thing…as I would’ve love to have said as she was getting off the train “Excuse me but you seem to have left your elbow in my hip…” or “I hope that you enjoyed poking and abusing a pregnant women”. But I didn’t, I sat there blushing as I willingly gave her to power to make me feel like dirt.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The 18-20 scan
All went well and it was nice to see our little one again, I can’t get enough of seeing Bobim. I don’t blame Tom Cruise for buying an ultrasound machine, as I would love to see Bobim as many times as possible.
Bobim’s report is that we are ahead of schedule by 2 days and going by this my EDD has now changed to the 21st Aug 2006, I have not been able to update the ticker above as I don’t have access at work.
You know the saying (I bet you have all heard it before) “We don’t care what the gender is just as long as it is healthy”, for me I never ‘got’ this particular saying at all…it was more important to ‘know’ if Bobim was a boy or a girl. But when we were told, is paled into insignificance…right at that moment I got more reassurance knowing that Bobim’s head and weight were exactly in the ‘normal’ range.
After the scan in the car, we sat there stunned for a few minutes both just blinking away not saying much to each other, Mimi finally turns to me and admitted to me the thoughts that were going through both our minds, which was that we were both a little disappointed knowing that we were having a boy.
Then next thing that came out of my mouth was “Do you show the same amount of affection and love to a boy as you do a girl?”…The look of utter disgust on Mimi’s face gave me the answer…I was being stupid…of course you do.
I didn’t sleep well last night as I was stressing over my reaction…Will I love this child as much even if it is a boy?….Why did I want a little girl so much? I realised at 3am this morning that the main reason why I wanted a little girl was because I knew everything there was to know about looking after a girl baby. I was 14 when Ellie was born and spent most of my teenage years helping my sister look after both her girls. I had know idea where to start with a boy….I felt like I had been thrown out of my comfort zone…a boy…shit…..a boy….will I smother and love him too much that he will turn out to a be a pansy?….shit….
I came to realise that I don’t care if my first child is a boy, one day I may get my little girl. But then again it did….doesn’t matter because Bobim’s first report was that he is all ‘normal’…isn’t that amazing?
Bobim’s report is that we are ahead of schedule by 2 days and going by this my EDD has now changed to the 21st Aug 2006, I have not been able to update the ticker above as I don’t have access at work.
You know the saying (I bet you have all heard it before) “We don’t care what the gender is just as long as it is healthy”, for me I never ‘got’ this particular saying at all…it was more important to ‘know’ if Bobim was a boy or a girl. But when we were told, is paled into insignificance…right at that moment I got more reassurance knowing that Bobim’s head and weight were exactly in the ‘normal’ range.
After the scan in the car, we sat there stunned for a few minutes both just blinking away not saying much to each other, Mimi finally turns to me and admitted to me the thoughts that were going through both our minds, which was that we were both a little disappointed knowing that we were having a boy.
Then next thing that came out of my mouth was “Do you show the same amount of affection and love to a boy as you do a girl?”…The look of utter disgust on Mimi’s face gave me the answer…I was being stupid…of course you do.
I didn’t sleep well last night as I was stressing over my reaction…Will I love this child as much even if it is a boy?….Why did I want a little girl so much? I realised at 3am this morning that the main reason why I wanted a little girl was because I knew everything there was to know about looking after a girl baby. I was 14 when Ellie was born and spent most of my teenage years helping my sister look after both her girls. I had know idea where to start with a boy….I felt like I had been thrown out of my comfort zone…a boy…shit…..a boy….will I smother and love him too much that he will turn out to a be a pansy?….shit….
I came to realise that I don’t care if my first child is a boy, one day I may get my little girl. But then again it did….doesn’t matter because Bobim’s first report was that he is all ‘normal’…isn’t that amazing?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
UTI or not?
Thankyou for all your comments…I don’t think that I really did my post justice by describing how I felt that night….
I thought that it was resolved on Friday afternoon, but went along to my GP to check the results of the urine sample that was sent on Wednesday. It wasn’t UTI at all the Hospital Dr had got it wrong, what was the pain and discomfort? I don’t know and neither does the GP, but the good thing is that it hasn’t come back. I was told to stop the antibiotics that were given to me.
Tomorrow is the big day where I have my next ultrasound and find out if Bobim is a boy or a girl. Tim and I are both very excited about seeing Bobim again….mental blank…I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve seen our little one, but for Tim it will only be the second time….the first was the confirmation of the heart beat scan at 6weeks.
This week marks 20 weeks for me (give or take a day), which means that I’m half way through this pregnancy. The week has not started off too good. I’m really struggling with being drained and exhausted like I have run a marathon, but all I did this weekend was knit and not do too much.
Last week as an example even after going to the hospital and getting home late I was still able to drag myself out of bed and get to work…all be it late…but I was ok. This week I can’t seem to keep my eyes open at all and feel myself falling asleep at my desk. It is only Tuesday and I feel this way…how am I going to last the week? I’ve no idea!
I thought that it was resolved on Friday afternoon, but went along to my GP to check the results of the urine sample that was sent on Wednesday. It wasn’t UTI at all the Hospital Dr had got it wrong, what was the pain and discomfort? I don’t know and neither does the GP, but the good thing is that it hasn’t come back. I was told to stop the antibiotics that were given to me.
Tomorrow is the big day where I have my next ultrasound and find out if Bobim is a boy or a girl. Tim and I are both very excited about seeing Bobim again….mental blank…I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve seen our little one, but for Tim it will only be the second time….the first was the confirmation of the heart beat scan at 6weeks.
This week marks 20 weeks for me (give or take a day), which means that I’m half way through this pregnancy. The week has not started off too good. I’m really struggling with being drained and exhausted like I have run a marathon, but all I did this weekend was knit and not do too much.
Last week as an example even after going to the hospital and getting home late I was still able to drag myself out of bed and get to work…all be it late…but I was ok. This week I can’t seem to keep my eyes open at all and feel myself falling asleep at my desk. It is only Tuesday and I feel this way…how am I going to last the week? I’ve no idea!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
The night that was..
It was a perfect way to start week 19, but thinking about it now it just feels like a nasty nightmare, something that didn’t happen to me but someone else. Or better yet last night’s events were a clip from the latest horror movie.
Stepping onto the Tram last night I felt a small little twinge where I should, it was centred near my cervix. Really I thought nothing of it, raced for the Train and just made it, got a great seat and settled in for the hour train ride home. Book in hand I started to switch off from work.
About 5 minutes into the journey home I received a very sharp cramp like pain, again in the same area as before, I shuffled in my seat and it seemed not to help, the pain was quiet dull, it actually felt like the Dildocam was stuck up against my cervix…all interfiles know what that feels like.
By the time I got home, the pain had not really moved on, I think that I was just able to tolerate it better. But it didn’t stop me from rushing to the toilet to check for any spotting. Nope nothing and no more CM than there was already…phew I was over-reacting right?
Well, the pain didn’t go away and just seemed to become more consistent, it would come and go and then it would stay. Lying on either side, on my back, sitting with my legs up, legs down, walking…nothing seemed to help. I did what I thought best at the time and call my Mummy. Whom immediately said “Don’t stop at go…proceed directly to Hospital”.
Mimi and I had already discussed whether or not to go to the hospital, but neither of us could make the decision, I’m eternally grateful that my Mummy gave me the kick up the arse to just go.
The 5-minute drive felt like 5 hours, I was scared shitless and kept on saying to Mimi “Everything will be fine, I’m sure it is really just nothing”. I felt as though I had to reassure him, as he was white as a ghost. Last time I had seen him this pale he fainted on me.
I must admit I was fighting tears all throughout the longest wait of my fucking life. But again felt that I had to be strong for Mimi. I also admitted to the nurse and Dr that I felt really stupid for being there as the pain was not that bad…WHO WAS I KIDDING???…I was freakingfuckingout….but I suppose that my Dad was coming through me as whenever he is sick he always says “I’m ok, there is nothing wrong”.
When I did get to see the Dr, and being probed with the million and one questions…all while I was screaming in my mind “PLEASE JUST DO AN ULTRASOUND TO SEE IF BOBIM IS OK”. He started with an examination and felt around for Bobim (all the way through the afternoon and early evening, Bobim was happily kicking and moving around…but still I was stressed). Finding where she/he was the Dr had a listen and when he looked at me, he just smiled as my little one had just delivered an almighty kick to the stethoscope. Bobim was fine, heart beat nice and strong.
So what was wrong??? Well I have an urinary-tract-infection, yes that’s right an UTI, how stupid did I feel when that was announced.
I still shudder at remember the thoughts, those horrible thoughts that went through my mind when we were waiting. I won’t write about them as you can imagine what was going through my mind. I have never in my short 29 years been so scared shitless before in my entire life.. I am finding it hard to put last night’s events out of my mind and move on.
Stepping onto the Tram last night I felt a small little twinge where I should, it was centred near my cervix. Really I thought nothing of it, raced for the Train and just made it, got a great seat and settled in for the hour train ride home. Book in hand I started to switch off from work.
About 5 minutes into the journey home I received a very sharp cramp like pain, again in the same area as before, I shuffled in my seat and it seemed not to help, the pain was quiet dull, it actually felt like the Dildocam was stuck up against my cervix…all interfiles know what that feels like.
By the time I got home, the pain had not really moved on, I think that I was just able to tolerate it better. But it didn’t stop me from rushing to the toilet to check for any spotting. Nope nothing and no more CM than there was already…phew I was over-reacting right?
Well, the pain didn’t go away and just seemed to become more consistent, it would come and go and then it would stay. Lying on either side, on my back, sitting with my legs up, legs down, walking…nothing seemed to help. I did what I thought best at the time and call my Mummy. Whom immediately said “Don’t stop at go…proceed directly to Hospital”.
Mimi and I had already discussed whether or not to go to the hospital, but neither of us could make the decision, I’m eternally grateful that my Mummy gave me the kick up the arse to just go.
The 5-minute drive felt like 5 hours, I was scared shitless and kept on saying to Mimi “Everything will be fine, I’m sure it is really just nothing”. I felt as though I had to reassure him, as he was white as a ghost. Last time I had seen him this pale he fainted on me.
I must admit I was fighting tears all throughout the longest wait of my fucking life. But again felt that I had to be strong for Mimi. I also admitted to the nurse and Dr that I felt really stupid for being there as the pain was not that bad…WHO WAS I KIDDING???…I was freakingfuckingout….but I suppose that my Dad was coming through me as whenever he is sick he always says “I’m ok, there is nothing wrong”.
When I did get to see the Dr, and being probed with the million and one questions…all while I was screaming in my mind “PLEASE JUST DO AN ULTRASOUND TO SEE IF BOBIM IS OK”. He started with an examination and felt around for Bobim (all the way through the afternoon and early evening, Bobim was happily kicking and moving around…but still I was stressed). Finding where she/he was the Dr had a listen and when he looked at me, he just smiled as my little one had just delivered an almighty kick to the stethoscope. Bobim was fine, heart beat nice and strong.
So what was wrong??? Well I have an urinary-tract-infection, yes that’s right an UTI, how stupid did I feel when that was announced.
I still shudder at remember the thoughts, those horrible thoughts that went through my mind when we were waiting. I won’t write about them as you can imagine what was going through my mind. I have never in my short 29 years been so scared shitless before in my entire life.. I am finding it hard to put last night’s events out of my mind and move on.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
A big bag of the Guilt's
I’ve been lurking more and more on my old fav Baby website and contributing to the Pregnancy posts, actually anything to do with a baby threads I’m reading.
After keeping away from this site for a long time and living in the Blog world, contributing and reading on pregnancy just makes Bobim feel more real to me.
This morning I thought that I would have a sneak peak at the IF threads. Why is it that I now feel so guilty for lurking there, that I can’t even bring myself to post to questions that I can answer or offer advice to some people that are still on the IF road from hell?
Here I am at work, feeling Bobim kicking away with a small smile on my face, but reading some of the posts makes me feel so very guilty that I am here and not back there holding their hands.
I don’t think that I’ve explained myself very well….
After keeping away from this site for a long time and living in the Blog world, contributing and reading on pregnancy just makes Bobim feel more real to me.
This morning I thought that I would have a sneak peak at the IF threads. Why is it that I now feel so guilty for lurking there, that I can’t even bring myself to post to questions that I can answer or offer advice to some people that are still on the IF road from hell?
Here I am at work, feeling Bobim kicking away with a small smile on my face, but reading some of the posts makes me feel so very guilty that I am here and not back there holding their hands.
I don’t think that I’ve explained myself very well….
Monday, March 27, 2006
In Awe
It was 3am in the household of Mari when I woke to the usual need to go and relieve my bladder. Before getting up though I felt a little bump and tickle, it was the first time I had felt Bobim at night.
I have one very active little baby and what is so weird is when I’m talking to someone and I feel a bump and tickle, instantly my mind goes to Bobim and my hand reaches for my tummy.
This morning on the way to work I was reading my book and I guess that Bobim also enjoyed the story, as I sure received a lot of little bumps and tickles. I am in awe of this experience, it is so special and so hard to describe, and every little bump and tickle brings on such powerful feelings that really rock me. I feel so very lucky and blessed to have been given this gift.
I have one very active little baby and what is so weird is when I’m talking to someone and I feel a bump and tickle, instantly my mind goes to Bobim and my hand reaches for my tummy.
This morning on the way to work I was reading my book and I guess that Bobim also enjoyed the story, as I sure received a lot of little bumps and tickles. I am in awe of this experience, it is so special and so hard to describe, and every little bump and tickle brings on such powerful feelings that really rock me. I feel so very lucky and blessed to have been given this gift.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Week 17 in Review
I'm now 18 weeks and I really hope that this week will be better than the last. I maybe slapped in the face or shot down in the street for this post. This week has been shocking, I hate it that I can't sleep and when I do sleep I'm have nightmares.
I hate it that I can't eat and when I do, I either have heart burn or am dry retching.
I hate it that I'm tired.
I hate it that I'm starting to doubt this baby and this whole pregnancy thing.
It feels like the longest FUCKING 2WW, of my life and I'm only 18weeks...how am I going to last till 40 weeks.....
I hate it how time is going by so slowly, I want to find out the sex of my child NOW!
On the plus side, I love it how I feel it move, I love it how I've lost so much weight about 10kg since I found out I was pregnant. I love it how Tim and I are so excited.
So all in all week 17 of this pregnancy was not kind to me!
I hate it that I can't eat and when I do, I either have heart burn or am dry retching.
I hate it that I'm tired.
I hate it that I'm starting to doubt this baby and this whole pregnancy thing.
It feels like the longest FUCKING 2WW, of my life and I'm only 18weeks...how am I going to last till 40 weeks.....
I hate it how time is going by so slowly, I want to find out the sex of my child NOW!
On the plus side, I love it how I feel it move, I love it how I've lost so much weight about 10kg since I found out I was pregnant. I love it how Tim and I are so excited.
So all in all week 17 of this pregnancy was not kind to me!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Bump 'n tickle
It has been a while, a whirlwind weekend filled with everything to do with the dreaded wedding and work, which will never die down. I wonder if my Manager will be calling me when I’m giving birth stressing about something or another.
My biggest news is that I definitely feel movement; I have been for about a week or so, I ignored it up until Sunday as I just thought that it was wind or my hopes of feeling movement. But I asked a good friend of my at the Wedding if it was meant to feel like something was tickling me behind my belly button.
When she screeched and said “Yes, that’s it”. You could not wipe the smile off my face. Every now and then I get this little bump, tickle, and scrap that I just sit there and smile and rub my tummy.
On the Baby room front, we purchased a Baby Gate to keep the cats out and we have come up with a ‘Room renovation plan’. For a number of weeks I’ve felt frantic that I was running out of time and there was so much to do, and I love plans, I like to know what gaols we are trying to achieve. Even TTC I always had plans for the next cycle, it made me feel more settled.
So here is our general plan:
March – Buying the Baby Gate and picking the colour of the paint for the walls
April – Doing the Concreting and the Gate to the side of the house and finally fixing up the garden. I know that this has nothing really to do with Bobim’s room….but we don’t have a Shed and we have kept a number of things in ‘The rooms’ closet that needs to now live in a shed, hence the concreting.
May – Start cleaning the room, washing the walls, carpets, windows. We are also changing the Window, door and closet trims and adding in a Picture rail. This is all to be done in May.
June – Paint and finish the room, including the curtains, wall art and anything else I can think of.
July – Most likely I will be washing all the clothes and putting them away and getting the ready for Bobim
August – All I have planned this month is first packing the bag for the hospital and then giving birth (FUCK…..deep breaths Mari!!!)
OH 3 more weeks till we find out the sex of Bobim!!
My biggest news is that I definitely feel movement; I have been for about a week or so, I ignored it up until Sunday as I just thought that it was wind or my hopes of feeling movement. But I asked a good friend of my at the Wedding if it was meant to feel like something was tickling me behind my belly button.
When she screeched and said “Yes, that’s it”. You could not wipe the smile off my face. Every now and then I get this little bump, tickle, and scrap that I just sit there and smile and rub my tummy.
On the Baby room front, we purchased a Baby Gate to keep the cats out and we have come up with a ‘Room renovation plan’. For a number of weeks I’ve felt frantic that I was running out of time and there was so much to do, and I love plans, I like to know what gaols we are trying to achieve. Even TTC I always had plans for the next cycle, it made me feel more settled.
So here is our general plan:
March – Buying the Baby Gate and picking the colour of the paint for the walls
April – Doing the Concreting and the Gate to the side of the house and finally fixing up the garden. I know that this has nothing really to do with Bobim’s room….but we don’t have a Shed and we have kept a number of things in ‘The rooms’ closet that needs to now live in a shed, hence the concreting.
May – Start cleaning the room, washing the walls, carpets, windows. We are also changing the Window, door and closet trims and adding in a Picture rail. This is all to be done in May.
June – Paint and finish the room, including the curtains, wall art and anything else I can think of.
July – Most likely I will be washing all the clothes and putting them away and getting the ready for Bobim
August – All I have planned this month is first packing the bag for the hospital and then giving birth (FUCK…..deep breaths Mari!!!)
OH 3 more weeks till we find out the sex of Bobim!!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Second OB appointment
Monday morning I had my second OB appointment, sitting in the waiting room I didn’t know what to expect at all. There were all these Pregnant women and women with kids around me and still I felt uncomfortable.
The OB’s midwife is fantastic, remembered me from 6 weeks early and remembered my frantic phone call relating to my constipation episode. It was a nice feeling being remembered.
I had lost 5kgs in 6weeks since I’d been at the Clinic, which amazed both of us, shouldn’t pregnant women put on weight?
My Blood pressure was 130/70 I was told that this is goo; my urine test on site was fine for protein and sugar content. My blood test results were negative where needed to be and the numbers were all the normal ranges where it needed to be.
Then the highlight of the visit was a quick listen to the heartbeat, my little Bobim is a cheeky mite, didn’t want to sit properly for the microphone. She couldn’t find the heart beat…..and surprisingly this did not concern me, I didn’t even have any DBT. We could hear Bobim moving around, but a quick scan and we saw Bobim moving around like crazy and kicking it’s very long legs.
Another go at the microphone thingy and four kicks later I heard the very faint thump, thump, needless to say I was in awe.
I only saw the OB for about 5 minutes asked my simple question of taking Folate as I keep on forgetting to take Folate and was wondering if this would cause issues. I was told that Folate is more important before conception and not after.
I was advised to take Calcium and a Multi-vitamin that contains Iron that won’t make me constipated. All is all we were all quite happy with my progress. Next appointment is 6 weeks away on the 18th April.
The OB’s midwife is fantastic, remembered me from 6 weeks early and remembered my frantic phone call relating to my constipation episode. It was a nice feeling being remembered.
I had lost 5kgs in 6weeks since I’d been at the Clinic, which amazed both of us, shouldn’t pregnant women put on weight?
My Blood pressure was 130/70 I was told that this is goo; my urine test on site was fine for protein and sugar content. My blood test results were negative where needed to be and the numbers were all the normal ranges where it needed to be.
Then the highlight of the visit was a quick listen to the heartbeat, my little Bobim is a cheeky mite, didn’t want to sit properly for the microphone. She couldn’t find the heart beat…..and surprisingly this did not concern me, I didn’t even have any DBT. We could hear Bobim moving around, but a quick scan and we saw Bobim moving around like crazy and kicking it’s very long legs.
Another go at the microphone thingy and four kicks later I heard the very faint thump, thump, needless to say I was in awe.
I only saw the OB for about 5 minutes asked my simple question of taking Folate as I keep on forgetting to take Folate and was wondering if this would cause issues. I was told that Folate is more important before conception and not after.
I was advised to take Calcium and a Multi-vitamin that contains Iron that won’t make me constipated. All is all we were all quite happy with my progress. Next appointment is 6 weeks away on the 18th April.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Visit
My MIL invited us over for a visit yesterday, it is always nice to spend time with them. We have not always had a good relationship; out of our 10 years of marriage about 5 of them have been spent in silence. For different reasons and reasons today are irrelevant.
I was eager for news on little Damoan, I had not called my SIL as part of me is not comfortable in calling and the other part is that I don’t want to disturb her, I have a knack for calling people right when they are the most busiest.
SIL is not coping very well with little Damoan and MIL has been asked to go over and look after him so that SIL can sleep. My MIL seems to think that he is not being fed enough and an argument ensued and MIL was kicked out of the house. Obviously there is more to the story than that but it is not the purpose of this post.
This whole story with SIL and MIL has got me a little worried about not coping when I come home with our Bobim. Anyu has suggested to me that she would stay here and help in the first weeks, to now it has been a suggestion but now I’m wondering if I take her up on her offer will we argue too?
I know that there is no point in worrying about what is to come, what I have done is read, research as much as possible on the birth and the first few weeks to prepare myself. I was telling this to MIL and Tim and I have discussed that when Bobim is going to be home for the first few weeks it is not going to be easy.
Does anyone else have these fears of not coping when coming home?
I was eager for news on little Damoan, I had not called my SIL as part of me is not comfortable in calling and the other part is that I don’t want to disturb her, I have a knack for calling people right when they are the most busiest.
SIL is not coping very well with little Damoan and MIL has been asked to go over and look after him so that SIL can sleep. My MIL seems to think that he is not being fed enough and an argument ensued and MIL was kicked out of the house. Obviously there is more to the story than that but it is not the purpose of this post.
This whole story with SIL and MIL has got me a little worried about not coping when I come home with our Bobim. Anyu has suggested to me that she would stay here and help in the first weeks, to now it has been a suggestion but now I’m wondering if I take her up on her offer will we argue too?
I know that there is no point in worrying about what is to come, what I have done is read, research as much as possible on the birth and the first few weeks to prepare myself. I was telling this to MIL and Tim and I have discussed that when Bobim is going to be home for the first few weeks it is not going to be easy.
Does anyone else have these fears of not coping when coming home?
Friday, March 03, 2006
About Baby
As you can imagine I know just about everything there is to know about Trying to Conceive and Infertility and Assisted Conception, but I feel so out of my depth when it comes to pregnancy and baby. No matter how many web sites or books I read I don’t feel like I’m ‘prepared’ enough.
Which is funny…. Tim and I had been trying for 3 years probably even longer to have Bobim finally join us, but now that Bobim has stuck, I’m starting to panic. Shit what have I got myself into???
I’m reading this little book that came free with a Pregnancy Magazine and the words stuck out at me “Even if you planned to conceive and have looked forward to having a child, the realisation that you are becoming a parent can be daunting”. Hhhhmmm Fuck yeah!
Daunting is an understatement of the year! In August I’m going to have a little baby that will be totally reliant on my ability to understand what it needs. I read onto understand that these ‘feelings’ are all quite normal. Tim believes that all the reading and researching I’m doing is preparing me for the tough times ahead. I would like to think that it is.
This was all going through my mind on the train this morning on the way to work and I’m totally absorbed in the facts and details, when I came across a word that seems to be scattered throughout the book “miracle”. Is my Bobim a miracle, what constitutes as a miracle? The Australian Oxford Dictionary states that a miracle is an event so remarkable that it is attributed to a supernatural agency.
Then there is this: When sperm and egg meet, a single cell forms. For this to happen, conditions must be perfect: the egg must be in the right place, sperm must be present and your womb ready.
So is it a Miracle that Bobim is with us…not really it seems that things were perfect when she/he was conceived. Yet part of me wants to believe that some supernatural agency was involved in making everything perfect last November and thinking about that, I’m eternally grateful and in awe of the fact that I have been granted this gift. Even though I may be scared about the birth and after, I’m in a quiet shock that I have been given the privilege of this responsibility. I just pray that I won’t let our little Bobim down.
Which is funny…. Tim and I had been trying for 3 years probably even longer to have Bobim finally join us, but now that Bobim has stuck, I’m starting to panic. Shit what have I got myself into???
I’m reading this little book that came free with a Pregnancy Magazine and the words stuck out at me “Even if you planned to conceive and have looked forward to having a child, the realisation that you are becoming a parent can be daunting”. Hhhhmmm Fuck yeah!
Daunting is an understatement of the year! In August I’m going to have a little baby that will be totally reliant on my ability to understand what it needs. I read onto understand that these ‘feelings’ are all quite normal. Tim believes that all the reading and researching I’m doing is preparing me for the tough times ahead. I would like to think that it is.
This was all going through my mind on the train this morning on the way to work and I’m totally absorbed in the facts and details, when I came across a word that seems to be scattered throughout the book “miracle”. Is my Bobim a miracle, what constitutes as a miracle? The Australian Oxford Dictionary states that a miracle is an event so remarkable that it is attributed to a supernatural agency.
Then there is this: When sperm and egg meet, a single cell forms. For this to happen, conditions must be perfect: the egg must be in the right place, sperm must be present and your womb ready.
So is it a Miracle that Bobim is with us…not really it seems that things were perfect when she/he was conceived. Yet part of me wants to believe that some supernatural agency was involved in making everything perfect last November and thinking about that, I’m eternally grateful and in awe of the fact that I have been granted this gift. Even though I may be scared about the birth and after, I’m in a quiet shock that I have been given the privilege of this responsibility. I just pray that I won’t let our little Bobim down.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Hospital
I had been looking forward to the Hospital tour for a while and finally booking into the hospital that Bobim will be delivered in (if all goes according to plan). Altogether there were 4 couples, including Tim and I.
I must admit that I was a bit envious with the other ladies as you could definitely tell that they were pregnant, the baby bumps were visible. Unfortunately as I’m already over weight I don’t even know if you will ever be able to tell that I’m pregnant. But I’m ok with that and have accepted that this maybe the case.
We walked into the birthing suit and it was huge, your eyes are struck but the big double bed in the middle of the room, with a big TV on the wall and chairs scattered around the place, a baby bassinette thingy that is used when it is born. Then we took a look at the bathroom and which was also big, actually bigger than the one I have at home. It looked like we had entered a 5 Star Hotel suit rather than a Birthing room.
This particular hospital has 3 birth rooms with the same set up, the one we were ushered into was the biggest, and we were told that the other 2 were smaller. Tim looks at me and says smaller, this one is bigger than our bedroom at home. The rooms that you stay in after the birth were equally as big and impressive.
The hardest part of the visit was seeing the nursery; there was this tiny little girl just near the window under the UV light as she had a small bout of jaundice. It was also good to see a Midwife helping a new mum bath her baby. My grip on Tim’s hand tightens and he looked at me (in Hungarian) I told him that this room was the hardest to see, because I want one (a baby) so much that I felt like sobbing …fucking hormones!
The last part of our tour was sitting down one on one with the Midwife where we discussed all sorts of things, from the birth to the pre-preparation classes to taking my Medical History. I felt so comfortable in her presence and felt reassured that we would be very well looked after. The hospital is a small private one and averages 30 babies a month, so at any given time the average number of mothers there are about 5 per week and there are more than enough Midwifes to give you the care you need. When we visited there were 13 new mums there, which was apparently a very rare occurrence.
I’ve booked into 8 pre-preparation classes, two with a Physio that I have to pay for and the rest with the Midwives from the hospital. I also received a bag of goodies, brochures, sample products and magazines, I spent a good deal of time yesterday devouring all the information. I felt like a kid in a lolly shop.
The whole hospital tour experience has left me with a great sense of awe that sometime in August I will be meeting my very own baby and more than anything I felt blessed that I’ve been granted this little miracle.
I must admit that I was a bit envious with the other ladies as you could definitely tell that they were pregnant, the baby bumps were visible. Unfortunately as I’m already over weight I don’t even know if you will ever be able to tell that I’m pregnant. But I’m ok with that and have accepted that this maybe the case.
We walked into the birthing suit and it was huge, your eyes are struck but the big double bed in the middle of the room, with a big TV on the wall and chairs scattered around the place, a baby bassinette thingy that is used when it is born. Then we took a look at the bathroom and which was also big, actually bigger than the one I have at home. It looked like we had entered a 5 Star Hotel suit rather than a Birthing room.
This particular hospital has 3 birth rooms with the same set up, the one we were ushered into was the biggest, and we were told that the other 2 were smaller. Tim looks at me and says smaller, this one is bigger than our bedroom at home. The rooms that you stay in after the birth were equally as big and impressive.
The hardest part of the visit was seeing the nursery; there was this tiny little girl just near the window under the UV light as she had a small bout of jaundice. It was also good to see a Midwife helping a new mum bath her baby. My grip on Tim’s hand tightens and he looked at me (in Hungarian) I told him that this room was the hardest to see, because I want one (a baby) so much that I felt like sobbing …fucking hormones!
The last part of our tour was sitting down one on one with the Midwife where we discussed all sorts of things, from the birth to the pre-preparation classes to taking my Medical History. I felt so comfortable in her presence and felt reassured that we would be very well looked after. The hospital is a small private one and averages 30 babies a month, so at any given time the average number of mothers there are about 5 per week and there are more than enough Midwifes to give you the care you need. When we visited there were 13 new mums there, which was apparently a very rare occurrence.
I’ve booked into 8 pre-preparation classes, two with a Physio that I have to pay for and the rest with the Midwives from the hospital. I also received a bag of goodies, brochures, sample products and magazines, I spent a good deal of time yesterday devouring all the information. I felt like a kid in a lolly shop.
The whole hospital tour experience has left me with a great sense of awe that sometime in August I will be meeting my very own baby and more than anything I felt blessed that I’ve been granted this little miracle.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
The Room
The other weekend Ellie was staying here to help me. Well actually it was that I was helping her and she was helping me. I had a mini reunion with some High School friends and Tim had gone Water skiing. Plus I didn’t like the thought of being left pregnant and on my own, weird I know but that is how I felt at the time.
About 2 months ago we saw a great deal on a wooden change table for $140.00, we had been looking around and had not seen one that cheap. We kept it in it’s box for a while, I think that we just couldn’t be bother putting it together.
I often go and sit in ‘The Room’ that will one day be converted into Bobim’s room and just day dream and wonder what it will all be like when she/he finally arrives.
Other than the ‘Chest of dreams’ filled with baby clothes ‘The Room’ felt bear and so Ellie and I decided that we would put the change table together. How hard could it be right?
Hmmmpph after about 2 hours we finally got it right and wheeled it into it’s designated place in ‘The Room’, and filled the shelves with all the nappies and baby towels that I had accumulated over the years. ‘The Room’ started feeling like we were waiting for a Baby to arrive.
There is still much to be done and much to buy but I thought that I would show you what ‘The Room’ looks like today.
We still need to:
* Clean the carpets,
* Remove the single bed
* Wash and paint the walls
* Move the chest of draws into ‘The Room’
* Buy and set up the cot
* Move the Ironing table and Christmas Tree
* Clean out the Closet.
Beep breaths Mari and small steps…you have plenty of time!
Holy shit there is so much to do.
About 2 months ago we saw a great deal on a wooden change table for $140.00, we had been looking around and had not seen one that cheap. We kept it in it’s box for a while, I think that we just couldn’t be bother putting it together.
I often go and sit in ‘The Room’ that will one day be converted into Bobim’s room and just day dream and wonder what it will all be like when she/he finally arrives.
Other than the ‘Chest of dreams’ filled with baby clothes ‘The Room’ felt bear and so Ellie and I decided that we would put the change table together. How hard could it be right?
Hmmmpph after about 2 hours we finally got it right and wheeled it into it’s designated place in ‘The Room’, and filled the shelves with all the nappies and baby towels that I had accumulated over the years. ‘The Room’ started feeling like we were waiting for a Baby to arrive.
There is still much to be done and much to buy but I thought that I would show you what ‘The Room’ looks like today.
We still need to:
* Clean the carpets,
* Remove the single bed
* Wash and paint the walls
* Move the chest of draws into ‘The Room’
* Buy and set up the cot
* Move the Ironing table and Christmas Tree
* Clean out the Closet.
Beep breaths Mari and small steps…you have plenty of time!
Holy shit there is so much to do.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Family stuff
Ellie has been spending a great deal of time with me recently, mostly because she is my personal slave. It is always good to have someone that worships the ground that I walk on. Hehe if she were to read this I would be smacked.
Ellie and Tina are not really getting along at the moment and because I have a fucked sister that cares more about her bullshit work and fucking carrer than she does about her kids, Ellie turns to me.
My house has become her haven, which suits me just fine, I have an extra spare of hands and she doesn’t mind being dragged to baby shops, not like Tim who is a bit bored by them now. “Why look when we are not ready to buy” is his motto, obviously he doesn’t get the whole shopping thing.
My sister while continues to promise her girls “As God is my witness I will never drink again”. Cannot keep away from her good old friend Al (alcohol). My BIL is of no help what so ever, if people come over for a dinner party it is apparently a tradition to offer spirits to the guests when they arrive.
So when you arrive, there on the coffee table are about 5 different spirit bottles present, from vodka to baileys, now I guess that for someone that can’t seem to control their drinking having a wide selection of alcohol readily available…at your finger tips doesn’t help.
It is also apparently a tradition to offer wine with your meal, so when BIL asks what everyone would like to drink, my SIS pipes up on the top of her voice “F am I allowed a glass of wine?”. Being a very private person my BIL doesn’t like people to know that they have problems in the house, so he hides it and gets her one. So she is back to square one. Instead of drinking one glass she goes onto finishing the bottle.
I don’t speak to my sister much when she has been drinking as I just can’t handle the same stupid fucking questions being asked and the verbal bullshit that comes out of her mouth. It is obvious to everyone that sits at these dinner parties that she has a problem and I know that there is nothing that can be done until it is admitted. But how many phones does it take saying “I can’t stop drinking, I’m not happy” (and there have been many) for my sister to realise that this is a big problem.
On Saturday it was Tina’s birthday and she was up to her old tricks and honestly I felt like I was conspiring to murder cause I didn’t say anything. Both Tina and Ellie have to say to their mother, “No more drinks, you have had too much”. Tina just turned 13, when this is said in front of people they are reprimanded after the event for spilling “Family issues infront of people”. The people that are present at these times are that Family, Tim and I and BIL parents, yet BIL continues to sweep things under a rug.
I personally don’t know what to do, I can’t fix things but I no longer want to be apart of the charade. Plus I feel that Ellie and Tina need me, do I continue to turn a blind eye? Do I ask before I go if alcohol is being served and if yes then refuse to go?
People in the PC, what would you do in my shoes?
Ellie and Tina are not really getting along at the moment and because I have a fucked sister that cares more about her bullshit work and fucking carrer than she does about her kids, Ellie turns to me.
My house has become her haven, which suits me just fine, I have an extra spare of hands and she doesn’t mind being dragged to baby shops, not like Tim who is a bit bored by them now. “Why look when we are not ready to buy” is his motto, obviously he doesn’t get the whole shopping thing.
My sister while continues to promise her girls “As God is my witness I will never drink again”. Cannot keep away from her good old friend Al (alcohol). My BIL is of no help what so ever, if people come over for a dinner party it is apparently a tradition to offer spirits to the guests when they arrive.
So when you arrive, there on the coffee table are about 5 different spirit bottles present, from vodka to baileys, now I guess that for someone that can’t seem to control their drinking having a wide selection of alcohol readily available…at your finger tips doesn’t help.
It is also apparently a tradition to offer wine with your meal, so when BIL asks what everyone would like to drink, my SIS pipes up on the top of her voice “F am I allowed a glass of wine?”. Being a very private person my BIL doesn’t like people to know that they have problems in the house, so he hides it and gets her one. So she is back to square one. Instead of drinking one glass she goes onto finishing the bottle.
I don’t speak to my sister much when she has been drinking as I just can’t handle the same stupid fucking questions being asked and the verbal bullshit that comes out of her mouth. It is obvious to everyone that sits at these dinner parties that she has a problem and I know that there is nothing that can be done until it is admitted. But how many phones does it take saying “I can’t stop drinking, I’m not happy” (and there have been many) for my sister to realise that this is a big problem.
On Saturday it was Tina’s birthday and she was up to her old tricks and honestly I felt like I was conspiring to murder cause I didn’t say anything. Both Tina and Ellie have to say to their mother, “No more drinks, you have had too much”. Tina just turned 13, when this is said in front of people they are reprimanded after the event for spilling “Family issues infront of people”. The people that are present at these times are that Family, Tim and I and BIL parents, yet BIL continues to sweep things under a rug.
I personally don’t know what to do, I can’t fix things but I no longer want to be apart of the charade. Plus I feel that Ellie and Tina need me, do I continue to turn a blind eye? Do I ask before I go if alcohol is being served and if yes then refuse to go?
People in the PC, what would you do in my shoes?
A new addition
I can’t believe that I haven’t told you all about the new addition to our family. My SIL gave birth to a baby boy on the 10th of Feb. Yes it was that long ago and totally slipped my mind.
I suppose that this blog is more about my TTC and Pregnancy journey, rather than documenting details about my life and family. I wonder if this is so bad a thing?
Baby Damoan was a little early but apparently a big boy, measuring 51cm and weighing 3.5kg. But holding him if felt and looked so very tiny and cute.
It broke my heart seeing Tim hold is new nephew as the look of awe on his face just cut deep and even though we know Bobim is with us, he/she still seems so far away. It was very obvious the he was uncomfortable and uncoordinated and never really held a new born before.
My SIL looked so very happy and relaxed when we saw her in the hospital, it was good to see her like that, I did feel outside my comfort zone and was so very nervous about meeting the little one. She was happy to see us and loved the small gift we bought her.
During the visit I finally found out that little Damoan was an accident and not planned at all, I didn’t have the heart to ask her before hand if they had been trying as the knowledge would’ve cut too deeply.
I suppose that this blog is more about my TTC and Pregnancy journey, rather than documenting details about my life and family. I wonder if this is so bad a thing?
Baby Damoan was a little early but apparently a big boy, measuring 51cm and weighing 3.5kg. But holding him if felt and looked so very tiny and cute.
It broke my heart seeing Tim hold is new nephew as the look of awe on his face just cut deep and even though we know Bobim is with us, he/she still seems so far away. It was very obvious the he was uncomfortable and uncoordinated and never really held a new born before.
My SIL looked so very happy and relaxed when we saw her in the hospital, it was good to see her like that, I did feel outside my comfort zone and was so very nervous about meeting the little one. She was happy to see us and loved the small gift we bought her.
During the visit I finally found out that little Damoan was an accident and not planned at all, I didn’t have the heart to ask her before hand if they had been trying as the knowledge would’ve cut too deeply.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
13w1day
At precisely this time, they hit. I had never really felt so out of control before. Up until now they never really worked for me, I needed drugs to help me ‘mimic’ what they should’ve been doing before my Bobim was conceived and stuck around.
What are they…….fucking hormones.
To those that work with me, here are a few hints and tips to survive this phase of my pregnancy:
1) When I come into work and am not the usual bright ‘Good morning’ person this is a sign to say hello and move on.
2) If I’m sitting at my desk and have ear phones in listening to music it is a sure sign that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE!
3) If I have warned you that I’m not feeling well, it is code to keep away.
4) Sarcastic comments are under no circumstances welcome.
5) If I’m grumpy, please understand that it is not personal and does not require you to be snooty with me.
6) Oh and if I run off balling my eyes out, it is not a sign to start gossiping about me.
7) Most important of all, do not try and ask me how I am, after an outburst because there is nothing that I can do to control what is happening and no way of knowing how I may react to that question. I could be Bitch queen, or you may have set off a free flowing river that will not stop. But mainly I will feel embarrassed and no one likes to be reminded of an embarrassing situation.
This week at work did not go so well, I’ve never been a sooky lah lah but on Thursday I was and more than anything I’m embarrassed that I balled my eyes out at work over something so not important. Maybe I should email my work mates with the rules above it will save me and them from the rathe that is known as Mari.
What are they…….fucking hormones.
To those that work with me, here are a few hints and tips to survive this phase of my pregnancy:
1) When I come into work and am not the usual bright ‘Good morning’ person this is a sign to say hello and move on.
2) If I’m sitting at my desk and have ear phones in listening to music it is a sure sign that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE!
3) If I have warned you that I’m not feeling well, it is code to keep away.
4) Sarcastic comments are under no circumstances welcome.
5) If I’m grumpy, please understand that it is not personal and does not require you to be snooty with me.
6) Oh and if I run off balling my eyes out, it is not a sign to start gossiping about me.
7) Most important of all, do not try and ask me how I am, after an outburst because there is nothing that I can do to control what is happening and no way of knowing how I may react to that question. I could be Bitch queen, or you may have set off a free flowing river that will not stop. But mainly I will feel embarrassed and no one likes to be reminded of an embarrassing situation.
This week at work did not go so well, I’ve never been a sooky lah lah but on Thursday I was and more than anything I’m embarrassed that I balled my eyes out at work over something so not important. Maybe I should email my work mates with the rules above it will save me and them from the rathe that is known as Mari.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
My Valentines Day
On Valentines day 2006 was not filled with beautiful red roses, nor sweet delicious chocolate, nor did I receive a card filled with words of love from my husband or a little fluffy present showing how cherished I am.
But my Valentines day 2006 was the best I’ve ever had…..I saw my Bobim, she/he is one active little baby. It was the greatest wonder in the world see him/her waving its arms and moving around. My little Bobim was too shy to show me his/her face but I got a good look at her/his ear.
After seeing Bobim I was on such a high, that I went straight out and bought something for ‘the’ room.
I also received the news that I was so nervous about. I was told that as I walked in the door for the Downs ultrasound I had a 1:600 chance of Bobim having Downs Syndrome, however the combination of my Blood / Urine tests our chance went to 1:6030.
When I got off the phone I sobbed, I was so very scared of the potential bridge that we may have had to cross.
The only negative was that I did feel quite alone before going off to the scan. Tim couldn’t (or wouldn’t) take time off from work, which honestly really pissed me off. That night I told him that I did feel quite alone and felt that his work (which is just a fucking casual job) felt more important than seeing Bobim. I have given him enough warning that next time there is no excuse he is to come with me. I also mentioned in a nice way that he has misplaced loyalties when it comes to that job, as tomorrow they may turn around and say “You’re the weakest link….Goodbye”.
But my Valentines day 2006 was the best I’ve ever had…..I saw my Bobim, she/he is one active little baby. It was the greatest wonder in the world see him/her waving its arms and moving around. My little Bobim was too shy to show me his/her face but I got a good look at her/his ear.
After seeing Bobim I was on such a high, that I went straight out and bought something for ‘the’ room.
I also received the news that I was so nervous about. I was told that as I walked in the door for the Downs ultrasound I had a 1:600 chance of Bobim having Downs Syndrome, however the combination of my Blood / Urine tests our chance went to 1:6030.
When I got off the phone I sobbed, I was so very scared of the potential bridge that we may have had to cross.
The only negative was that I did feel quite alone before going off to the scan. Tim couldn’t (or wouldn’t) take time off from work, which honestly really pissed me off. That night I told him that I did feel quite alone and felt that his work (which is just a fucking casual job) felt more important than seeing Bobim. I have given him enough warning that next time there is no excuse he is to come with me. I also mentioned in a nice way that he has misplaced loyalties when it comes to that job, as tomorrow they may turn around and say “You’re the weakest link….Goodbye”.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Telling
Being 12 weeks today I'm silently screaming my head of in relief. Trying not to get too excited about Bobim but it is hard. A hurdle has been achieved today, how can I not be ecstatic?
I've slowly told people at work about Bobim, mainly those in my project team so that they understood what was happening with me. But I feel that maybe now I can tell the wider audience, but how do I go about doing this?
Let it spread naturally? By telling some big mouths?
I had a meeting this morning and almost blurted it out there at the end when a guy asked me what is news….maybe next time he asks I will tell him.
For me the words sound so strange coming from my mouth “I’m pregnant”. My mind reels and starts going into denial, “No your not, you just wish you were”.
Next milestone is seeing my Bobim in an ultrasound on the 14th Feb.
I've slowly told people at work about Bobim, mainly those in my project team so that they understood what was happening with me. But I feel that maybe now I can tell the wider audience, but how do I go about doing this?
Let it spread naturally? By telling some big mouths?
I had a meeting this morning and almost blurted it out there at the end when a guy asked me what is news….maybe next time he asks I will tell him.
For me the words sound so strange coming from my mouth “I’m pregnant”. My mind reels and starts going into denial, “No your not, you just wish you were”.
Next milestone is seeing my Bobim in an ultrasound on the 14th Feb.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Movement
I had some movement....I never thought that I would be happy to have movement!!!
What a relief, well a little anyway!
Updated to say - I didn't mean Baby movement I meant another type of movement that requires a toilet...hehehe.
What a relief, well a little anyway!
Updated to say - I didn't mean Baby movement I meant another type of movement that requires a toilet...hehehe.
Low GI
I forgot to mention that I finally met with the Dietician the other week. I was referred to her to help maintain or even lose weight whilst pregnant and reduce the risk of gestational diabetes.
Whilst it was good listening to what she had to say about the Glycemic Index, it was so in your face obvious that she had no clue when it came to pregnancy. She recommended that I go on a Low GI diet, which just screamed FAD FAD FAD diet, but had some truth to it, low sugar levels means lower risk of the diabetes.
We discussed my problems with cooking dinner, cause I told her honestly that for me that is the most difficult meal of the day, by the time I get home from work, I’m 1) so hungry that take away is to much easier and 2) who wants to start cooking a lavish meal.
Some of the alternatives that she offered were very useful, like make Jacket potatoes, salads, kebabs and grilled meats. Then she went on to mention packet meals, you know the ones like Beef stroganoff where the sauce is in a powder form. I sat there staring at her wondering if she understood what preservatives meant…how can she be a professional dietician recommending 2-minute noodles as a meal alternative?
Needless to say I will not be seeing her again, I will simply go back on the Sure Slim diet that was Low GI and work on making sure that I eat fresh healthy food.
Whilst it was good listening to what she had to say about the Glycemic Index, it was so in your face obvious that she had no clue when it came to pregnancy. She recommended that I go on a Low GI diet, which just screamed FAD FAD FAD diet, but had some truth to it, low sugar levels means lower risk of the diabetes.
We discussed my problems with cooking dinner, cause I told her honestly that for me that is the most difficult meal of the day, by the time I get home from work, I’m 1) so hungry that take away is to much easier and 2) who wants to start cooking a lavish meal.
Some of the alternatives that she offered were very useful, like make Jacket potatoes, salads, kebabs and grilled meats. Then she went on to mention packet meals, you know the ones like Beef stroganoff where the sauce is in a powder form. I sat there staring at her wondering if she understood what preservatives meant…how can she be a professional dietician recommending 2-minute noodles as a meal alternative?
Needless to say I will not be seeing her again, I will simply go back on the Sure Slim diet that was Low GI and work on making sure that I eat fresh healthy food.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Holidays and regularity
Our holiday was perfect, the weather, the accommodation and the company were all perfect. The room had a gorgeous view of the lake photo’s to follow.
I have learnt that while other pregnant women can travel and holiday with the best of them…I can’t, well I can but it is not that nice. Being tired and grumpy in the afternoon’s are not a good thing.
I mentioned before that I wasn’t really enjoying this pregnancy and I don’t know why I thought that I would. Whilst the morning sickness has passed…yay!!! Another uncomfortable pregnancy symptom has surfaced, the question of regularity has been brought to light and while I may joke around with Tim, I’m now way comfortable. “I’m literally full of shit and not happy about it”.
I’ve never had this problem before, all my adult life I’ve had to deal with the other end of the spectrum not this one and for me to go by a day with out any type of movement is unheard of. But oh the joys of pregnancy it has now been 5 days….and counting…..I’m in so much pain it is getting hard to walk around and eat.
I spoke with the OB nurse and have got some good advice so I will give that ago now.
Did I mention that I’m not really enjoying this pregnancy?
I hate to complain about it…as I’m grateful for the possibility of meeting this Bobim that is growing inside me.
I have learnt that while other pregnant women can travel and holiday with the best of them…I can’t, well I can but it is not that nice. Being tired and grumpy in the afternoon’s are not a good thing.
I mentioned before that I wasn’t really enjoying this pregnancy and I don’t know why I thought that I would. Whilst the morning sickness has passed…yay!!! Another uncomfortable pregnancy symptom has surfaced, the question of regularity has been brought to light and while I may joke around with Tim, I’m now way comfortable. “I’m literally full of shit and not happy about it”.
I’ve never had this problem before, all my adult life I’ve had to deal with the other end of the spectrum not this one and for me to go by a day with out any type of movement is unheard of. But oh the joys of pregnancy it has now been 5 days….and counting…..I’m in so much pain it is getting hard to walk around and eat.
I spoke with the OB nurse and have got some good advice so I will give that ago now.
Did I mention that I’m not really enjoying this pregnancy?
I hate to complain about it…as I’m grateful for the possibility of meeting this Bobim that is growing inside me.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Off and away
Tim and I are off on a mini break to Yarrawonga which is north of Melbourne near the border of Victoria and New South Wales.
Friday marks our 10th Wedding Anniversary and we thought that it being a Big milestone that we take time off work and get away.
I'm busy packing and cleaning the house getting ready to hit the road, we are both so very excited and looking forward to the trip. Will post photo's and let you know all about it when we get back.
Friday marks our 10th Wedding Anniversary and we thought that it being a Big milestone that we take time off work and get away.
I'm busy packing and cleaning the house getting ready to hit the road, we are both so very excited and looking forward to the trip. Will post photo's and let you know all about it when we get back.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Bubbles and Popcorn
Being a self confessed Geek; I can’t help but LOVE technology. I love the fact that I can send someone a text (SMS) message and they instantly get it not matter where they are in the world. LOVE IT!!! I love receiving texts as well as it means that the person was thinking about you right at that point and in the instant you know that you were on their mind.
I especially love it because it is the cheapest way I can keep in touch with my relatives in Hungary. All of them have mobiles, but most don’t have access to email so a simple text is the best thing ever invented I think anyway.
The other morning I received a Text from my cousin who has an 8-month-old daughter, generally asking how I was and how the pregnancy was going. She also went on to explain that if I have a feeling of bubbles or popcorn in my belly then it is already the baby.
I automatically assumed that she was getting ahead in time and it would be way to early to feel Bobim…surely.
I must’ve had an odd look on my face last night as Tim ran over and asked me what was so amusing and why was my smile getting bigger and bigger. To my utter surprise I had a big popcorn production in my belly last night and on the way to work this morning.
But I wonder if it is just I WANTING to feel something, or can you actually start feeling something this early, tomorrow being 11 weeks?
Right now I choose to believe that I can feel my Bobim popping corn in my belly.
“Pop away little one, Mummy can feel that you are there and she is loving it!!”
I especially love it because it is the cheapest way I can keep in touch with my relatives in Hungary. All of them have mobiles, but most don’t have access to email so a simple text is the best thing ever invented I think anyway.
The other morning I received a Text from my cousin who has an 8-month-old daughter, generally asking how I was and how the pregnancy was going. She also went on to explain that if I have a feeling of bubbles or popcorn in my belly then it is already the baby.
I automatically assumed that she was getting ahead in time and it would be way to early to feel Bobim…surely.
I must’ve had an odd look on my face last night as Tim ran over and asked me what was so amusing and why was my smile getting bigger and bigger. To my utter surprise I had a big popcorn production in my belly last night and on the way to work this morning.
But I wonder if it is just I WANTING to feel something, or can you actually start feeling something this early, tomorrow being 11 weeks?
Right now I choose to believe that I can feel my Bobim popping corn in my belly.
“Pop away little one, Mummy can feel that you are there and she is loving it!!”
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Filled with questions
I woke this morning filled with all sorts of questions surrounding Bobim and I hope that I’ve remembered them all:
* When do I start cleaning up Bobim’s room?
* When should I start buying baby furniture?
* What kinds of things do I need for the baby, bassinet, cot, change table…what else?
* Cloth versus disposable nappies? When I first started TTC every few months or so I would order 2 cloth fitted nappies, but now there are so many different varieties and such that I don’t know what to do. MIL and my Mum suggest that I go with disposables; part of me doesn’t like that idea as a full time thing.
* When should we paint Bobim’s room?
* Am I even allowed to pain? MIL and Mum say that I can’t lift things does the same thing apply to paint fumes?
Shit I’m just over 10 weeks and already stressing about the room and there not being enough time. It has been an awful summer here the last couple of weeks, dry heat I can handle but the humid sticky as all fuck heat is not wanted here. 2 weeks, yes that’s right 2 weeks of blistering bullshit heat with no relief in sight and it virtually means that you can’t do anything.
Running around to baby stores is out of the question; well it is not out of the question but who can be bothered leaving the relatively cool house to go drive all over town. I for one have barely ventured out of the house on the weekends as I’m just trying to keep cool.
* When do I start cleaning up Bobim’s room?
* When should I start buying baby furniture?
* What kinds of things do I need for the baby, bassinet, cot, change table…what else?
* Cloth versus disposable nappies? When I first started TTC every few months or so I would order 2 cloth fitted nappies, but now there are so many different varieties and such that I don’t know what to do. MIL and my Mum suggest that I go with disposables; part of me doesn’t like that idea as a full time thing.
* When should we paint Bobim’s room?
* Am I even allowed to pain? MIL and Mum say that I can’t lift things does the same thing apply to paint fumes?
Shit I’m just over 10 weeks and already stressing about the room and there not being enough time. It has been an awful summer here the last couple of weeks, dry heat I can handle but the humid sticky as all fuck heat is not wanted here. 2 weeks, yes that’s right 2 weeks of blistering bullshit heat with no relief in sight and it virtually means that you can’t do anything.
Running around to baby stores is out of the question; well it is not out of the question but who can be bothered leaving the relatively cool house to go drive all over town. I for one have barely ventured out of the house on the weekends as I’m just trying to keep cool.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
More mutterings
I have started doing more exercise, my MIL translated from Hungarian says to Tim “Make sure Mari walks more as it will help her with child birth”. I have tole my MIL that I had planned on swimming her response was “Good, good, swimming will help too”.
So Tim and I went for an hour walk and our little Ruppy dog whom loved it, and as the weather has been hot I haven’t had the energy to bear the heat and walk again, hopefully if it cools down a little it will be a daily thing. I’ve also started swimming again, all in the attempts to try to lose weight whilst pregnant.
Speaking of the weight thing I went to see the Dietician on Monday and she wasn’t there so have had to reschedule the meeting for next Monday. I’m a bit sceptical about what she will be able to tell me that I haven’t heard before. Eat healthy blah blah blah, no fried foods, blah, low fat everything blah blah. I might even say to her, “Been there done that, what else do you have up your sleeve?”
So Tim and I went for an hour walk and our little Ruppy dog whom loved it, and as the weather has been hot I haven’t had the energy to bear the heat and walk again, hopefully if it cools down a little it will be a daily thing. I’ve also started swimming again, all in the attempts to try to lose weight whilst pregnant.
Speaking of the weight thing I went to see the Dietician on Monday and she wasn’t there so have had to reschedule the meeting for next Monday. I’m a bit sceptical about what she will be able to tell me that I haven’t heard before. Eat healthy blah blah blah, no fried foods, blah, low fat everything blah blah. I might even say to her, “Been there done that, what else do you have up your sleeve?”
Am I allowed to complain?
I haven’t posted in a while, why? Well I’m scared as I don’t want to be hated by other readers of this blog and I don’t want to come across as ungrateful that I’m finally 10 weeks pregnant. The gratefulness that I feel down to my toes is hard to explain, I can’t believe how much I love my little Bobim who is only 3cm or so in length.
I just wish that I wasn’t having such a hard time of it all, the morning sickness comes back with a vengeance if I don’t take Maxalon and even though it is a pregnant friendly drug, I really don’t want to rely on them.
Tiredness is an understatement of the year, I have felt tired in my life before but up until now I may not have really grasped the meaning. I find myself having naps on the weekends and part of me is already planing on a nap tomorrow (Australia Day). I normally can’t sleep during the day but this has all changed, I can sleep in the midst of a 40-degree (Celsius) day with the curtains open.
I’m no longer able to read on the train, I attempt to but every day it is the same thing and that is I end up closing my eyes because I can’t keep them open.
I feel awful complaining about it all, but I also feel very fucking cheated that not only was I lumped with PCOS and fertility issues but also when I did fall pregnant it is not a breeze. Why the fuck did I assume that it would be a breeze? I don’t know but part of me did.
My only consolation is that the worse I feel the more I know Bobim is sticking around and hanging in there, even though I can’t feel anything.
I just wish that I wasn’t having such a hard time of it all, the morning sickness comes back with a vengeance if I don’t take Maxalon and even though it is a pregnant friendly drug, I really don’t want to rely on them.
Tiredness is an understatement of the year, I have felt tired in my life before but up until now I may not have really grasped the meaning. I find myself having naps on the weekends and part of me is already planing on a nap tomorrow (Australia Day). I normally can’t sleep during the day but this has all changed, I can sleep in the midst of a 40-degree (Celsius) day with the curtains open.
I’m no longer able to read on the train, I attempt to but every day it is the same thing and that is I end up closing my eyes because I can’t keep them open.
I feel awful complaining about it all, but I also feel very fucking cheated that not only was I lumped with PCOS and fertility issues but also when I did fall pregnant it is not a breeze. Why the fuck did I assume that it would be a breeze? I don’t know but part of me did.
My only consolation is that the worse I feel the more I know Bobim is sticking around and hanging in there, even though I can’t feel anything.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Odds are
Yesterday was my first appointment with the OB/GYN and I’m so very thankful for having been recommended such a caring doctor. I didn’t have to ask for another u/s as he stated within the first 5 minutes of being there that I could ask all my questions and then pop next door to do the scan.
My questions in the end seemed irrelevant but I’m glad that he humoured me with listening to them and answering them. I’ve been referred to a dietician to help try to loose weight whilst pregnant. I’ve never been to see one and really don’t know how much she will be able to help.
My mother came with me yesterday, as Tim had to stay home for the Fridge repairman, my mother was so very excited about seeing the little one, I had both an internal and external u/s. The heart rate this time around was 171, which is normal for 9 weeks; length was 2.5cm, which again is very normal. The amniotic fluid was normal and he could see that the placenta had started growing the yoke was still present.
After the scan these words were issued out of his mouth “You have a 1:100th chance of this pregnancy ending in a miscarriage”. Part of me was relieved to hear the odds but I’ve never really been one to believe in odds that are spewed from people’s mouths.
The worse part was left to the end of the visit, here in Australia pregnant women have the choice of going through a Public Hospital as a Public patient where the Government (Medicare) pays for everything, the down side to this is you really have no choice about which Dr you see. Or you could be a Private Patient in the public system, which means that if your Dr delivers there then you are ok. The Last option is going to a Private Hospital as a Private patient, which means that you may be out of pocket, depending on the insurance cover you posses.
Well for me I have no choice out of the 4 Hospitals closets to my home, 2 being Private and 2 public I am only able to go to St John of God Private hospital, the reason I have no choice? No it is not because the OB doesn’t deliver at all hospitals it is simply because my BMI (body mass index) is too high. 3 Hospitals have a BMI policy of 35 or less and I’m over that, way over that. I did not know about this and felt really dirty and huge. Dr Germany was kind enough to call and check with the hospital to ensure that it was ok for me to go there, whilst I was in the room. Otherwise my last choice would’ve been going to a Public Hospital, which is about 30km away and have someone else deliver this baby and I would possibly be “out of pocket” $2500.00AU!!!!
The last piece of bad news was that I have a higher risk of gestational diabetes due me weight and PCOS, part of me sort of new this but didn’t really understand what it means. Will have to do search on how to best look after myself. But I bet, that reduced stress levels is what is called for and my work situation has not changed, I have now sent a four email to this bastard, asking if the matter of me being taken off the supervisory role is closer to a resolution, I will keep you all posted.
Here is a list of new dates (I’m sure that I have forgotten a few):
- 27th January 2006 – Blood Tests
- 6th February 2006 = 12 weeks
- 14th February 2006 = Next Scan
- 25th February 2006 = Tour of the Hospital
- 6th March 2006 = Next OB/GYN appointment
My questions in the end seemed irrelevant but I’m glad that he humoured me with listening to them and answering them. I’ve been referred to a dietician to help try to loose weight whilst pregnant. I’ve never been to see one and really don’t know how much she will be able to help.
My mother came with me yesterday, as Tim had to stay home for the Fridge repairman, my mother was so very excited about seeing the little one, I had both an internal and external u/s. The heart rate this time around was 171, which is normal for 9 weeks; length was 2.5cm, which again is very normal. The amniotic fluid was normal and he could see that the placenta had started growing the yoke was still present.
After the scan these words were issued out of his mouth “You have a 1:100th chance of this pregnancy ending in a miscarriage”. Part of me was relieved to hear the odds but I’ve never really been one to believe in odds that are spewed from people’s mouths.
The worse part was left to the end of the visit, here in Australia pregnant women have the choice of going through a Public Hospital as a Public patient where the Government (Medicare) pays for everything, the down side to this is you really have no choice about which Dr you see. Or you could be a Private Patient in the public system, which means that if your Dr delivers there then you are ok. The Last option is going to a Private Hospital as a Private patient, which means that you may be out of pocket, depending on the insurance cover you posses.
Well for me I have no choice out of the 4 Hospitals closets to my home, 2 being Private and 2 public I am only able to go to St John of God Private hospital, the reason I have no choice? No it is not because the OB doesn’t deliver at all hospitals it is simply because my BMI (body mass index) is too high. 3 Hospitals have a BMI policy of 35 or less and I’m over that, way over that. I did not know about this and felt really dirty and huge. Dr Germany was kind enough to call and check with the hospital to ensure that it was ok for me to go there, whilst I was in the room. Otherwise my last choice would’ve been going to a Public Hospital, which is about 30km away and have someone else deliver this baby and I would possibly be “out of pocket” $2500.00AU!!!!
The last piece of bad news was that I have a higher risk of gestational diabetes due me weight and PCOS, part of me sort of new this but didn’t really understand what it means. Will have to do search on how to best look after myself. But I bet, that reduced stress levels is what is called for and my work situation has not changed, I have now sent a four email to this bastard, asking if the matter of me being taken off the supervisory role is closer to a resolution, I will keep you all posted.
Here is a list of new dates (I’m sure that I have forgotten a few):
- 27th January 2006 – Blood Tests
- 6th February 2006 = 12 weeks
- 14th February 2006 = Next Scan
- 25th February 2006 = Tour of the Hospital
- 6th March 2006 = Next OB/GYN appointment
Monday, January 16, 2006
What I’ve learnt
1) Before washing your gorgeous little cat because you think that she stinks of cat piss or something else, check around the house for the actual smell and don’t automatically assume that it is the little thing lying on top of you.
Yes I washed my cat instead of checking where the bad smell was coming from and about 3 hours later almost washed my other cat because I smelt it again. When in fact it was then Chux washcloth that had gone off. Poor cat, well at least she is clean!
2) If too hot to sleep at night, walk around the house a number of times whilst eating water crackers (to take the edge off the hunger), and drinking cold lemon cordial. If sleep still evades you, then sleep with only a quilt sheet cover on the bottom half of body whilst top half is covered with the actual quilt.
3) Write everything down that you intend on doing for that day (hour even) and follow the list as though your life depends on it. If you find yourself distracted easily, refer back to the list. Actually it is preferable that you hang this list around you neck as otherwise you will be making breakfast 3 times before you get to eat warm toast. Start on task and complete it before moving on. Your abilities to multitask may have diminished.
4) If whilst you are chewing and you can’t finish off the mouth full as you have the urged to vomit every where, take this as a sign that you are now finished with the meal. Do not attempt to finish the meal off as you will be physically unable to and you may require the use of a toilet.
5) If your nausea is causing you much discomfort and you are now unable to withstand the smells associated with Public transport travelling, carry with you a small size tub of Vicks vapour-rub, and dab a small amount under your nose and even in the nostril.
6) The necessity to relieve ones bowels may not be a daily occurrence, this is not a cause for panic that requires a doctor’s visit.
Yes I washed my cat instead of checking where the bad smell was coming from and about 3 hours later almost washed my other cat because I smelt it again. When in fact it was then Chux washcloth that had gone off. Poor cat, well at least she is clean!
2) If too hot to sleep at night, walk around the house a number of times whilst eating water crackers (to take the edge off the hunger), and drinking cold lemon cordial. If sleep still evades you, then sleep with only a quilt sheet cover on the bottom half of body whilst top half is covered with the actual quilt.
3) Write everything down that you intend on doing for that day (hour even) and follow the list as though your life depends on it. If you find yourself distracted easily, refer back to the list. Actually it is preferable that you hang this list around you neck as otherwise you will be making breakfast 3 times before you get to eat warm toast. Start on task and complete it before moving on. Your abilities to multitask may have diminished.
4) If whilst you are chewing and you can’t finish off the mouth full as you have the urged to vomit every where, take this as a sign that you are now finished with the meal. Do not attempt to finish the meal off as you will be physically unable to and you may require the use of a toilet.
5) If your nausea is causing you much discomfort and you are now unable to withstand the smells associated with Public transport travelling, carry with you a small size tub of Vicks vapour-rub, and dab a small amount under your nose and even in the nostril.
6) The necessity to relieve ones bowels may not be a daily occurrence, this is not a cause for panic that requires a doctor’s visit.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Glowing
Is there such a thing as glowing when pregnant? I’ve never really seen it, but then again like other infertiles, I used to keep right away from Pregnant women.
I let someone know yesterday at work that I was pregnant and here is the conversation:
Me: “Just so you know, I’m pregnant”
B: “Yeah I already knew”
Me: “What who told you?, How did you find out? Did H let you know?”
B: “No I knew awhile ago, you’ve been glowing, I noticed just before Christmas, I don’t know but for some reason pregnant women seem to glow and I knew that S was pregnant before she even did a test because she too was glowing.”
In my head: “Glowing me…hmmmpphhh that’s bullshit”
But is it really that….bullshit….do women glow when they are pregnant?
I let someone know yesterday at work that I was pregnant and here is the conversation:
Me: “Just so you know, I’m pregnant”
B: “Yeah I already knew”
Me: “What who told you?, How did you find out? Did H let you know?”
B: “No I knew awhile ago, you’ve been glowing, I noticed just before Christmas, I don’t know but for some reason pregnant women seem to glow and I knew that S was pregnant before she even did a test because she too was glowing.”
In my head: “Glowing me…hmmmpphhh that’s bullshit”
But is it really that….bullshit….do women glow when they are pregnant?
Work Vent
I’m having some difficulty with my job, without going into too much detail my Manager seems to be in denial about the fact that YES I AM PREGNANT. I have requested next Tuesday off as Annual Leave and for my Wedding Anniversary in Feb I have asked for 3 days. I have more than enough Leave owing to me. But for some reason he won’t approve the leave, being too worried about the work ahead.
This weekend I started suffering the great side of being pregnant, riding (or rather driving) the porcelain bus. Having my head down the toilet bowl so to speak, all the while smiling away. I travel about an hour to work each way and couldn’t predict when I would need to visit the bus again. So I didn’t go to work on Monday or Tuesday.
Maxalon is now my friend and I don’t leave home without it in my bag. So I have been coping well with the morning sickness, nausea I can handle vomiting anytime of the day is difficult to schedule in. Yesterday morning I approached my Manager to ask for a status update on my Annual Leave request and was taken into a meeting room where I was asked to provide an estimate of the work effort I will be committing to over my pregnancy. In other words I was asked to predict if I would be at work for a full 5 days or should he estimate me being here for only part of the week.
Needless to say I was very upset by all this conversation and expressed my outrage of how I was being treated. When I told my Manager about Bobim I did mention (now on a number of occasions) that I wanted to be removed from the Supervisor role, but continue working on the project. He doesn’t like that idea and refuses to discuss this topic.
Instead I’ve been asked to take on additional responsibilities rather than lighten my load and unfortunately even though I would love to quit, I can’t as Tim is still on working on a casual basis, and we need the money I earn.
I don’t need this in my life right now and I’m stressed and worried when I should be happy and excited, I just feel used and abused. The one bright light in all this was an email I received from my old department asking for people to go back and work there as they are under resourced for the year.
So my question to you is what would you do in my situation?
Would you apply for the new role even though you know you will not be there for the whole year?
Would you just stick it out?
Or, would you just contact the Human Resource department and get them involved?
There is another pregnant lady in this department and I asked this guy if the same questions on sick leave and annual leave were being asked of her….his response….”This has nothing to do with K”…I said yes it does, unless you are treating me the exact same way, it only illustrates how unfairly I’m being treated.
This weekend I started suffering the great side of being pregnant, riding (or rather driving) the porcelain bus. Having my head down the toilet bowl so to speak, all the while smiling away. I travel about an hour to work each way and couldn’t predict when I would need to visit the bus again. So I didn’t go to work on Monday or Tuesday.
Maxalon is now my friend and I don’t leave home without it in my bag. So I have been coping well with the morning sickness, nausea I can handle vomiting anytime of the day is difficult to schedule in. Yesterday morning I approached my Manager to ask for a status update on my Annual Leave request and was taken into a meeting room where I was asked to provide an estimate of the work effort I will be committing to over my pregnancy. In other words I was asked to predict if I would be at work for a full 5 days or should he estimate me being here for only part of the week.
Needless to say I was very upset by all this conversation and expressed my outrage of how I was being treated. When I told my Manager about Bobim I did mention (now on a number of occasions) that I wanted to be removed from the Supervisor role, but continue working on the project. He doesn’t like that idea and refuses to discuss this topic.
Instead I’ve been asked to take on additional responsibilities rather than lighten my load and unfortunately even though I would love to quit, I can’t as Tim is still on working on a casual basis, and we need the money I earn.
I don’t need this in my life right now and I’m stressed and worried when I should be happy and excited, I just feel used and abused. The one bright light in all this was an email I received from my old department asking for people to go back and work there as they are under resourced for the year.
So my question to you is what would you do in my situation?
Would you apply for the new role even though you know you will not be there for the whole year?
Would you just stick it out?
Or, would you just contact the Human Resource department and get them involved?
There is another pregnant lady in this department and I asked this guy if the same questions on sick leave and annual leave were being asked of her….his response….”This has nothing to do with K”…I said yes it does, unless you are treating me the exact same way, it only illustrates how unfairly I’m being treated.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Just a little bit more real
This is our first picture of our Bobim, the scan went really well everthing is normal! It was so sureal seeing the little flickering of the heart beat and the rate was also normal.
I'm not as far along as I thought, actually all the EDD calculators on the net really just calculated from the first day of your last period which for me was the 8/11/2005, but I know I didn't ovulate until the 28/11/2005.
I have adjusted the ticker above and removed the post about being 8 weeks pregnant.
As the title of this post says, Bobim feels a little more real today than before the scan. Next milestone for me is the OB appointment on the 17th of Jan.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
My feet are extremely sore today.
While some infertile’s would be rejoicing with a sigh of relief after receiving positive beta’s and I’m not saying that Tim and I haven’t rejoiced at all. I can’t help feel somewhat extremely cautious.
It feels as though each morning I wake up and I’m on a new square of pavement and it is boiling hot from the sun and has glass, dirt and other sharp bits on it. I see myself looking at my toes and willing them to move a slow shuffling pace. By the end of that day I have only walked one pavement square but it feels like I’ve walked to the moon and back.
I tell myself “Today you are pregnant, be happy relax and enjoy all the attention”, but by mid afternoon all I want to do is go to a very cool and dark corner and just sit holding my tummy protectively, not that I think that this will really protect Bobim from anything but it is a comforting gesture. Actually it was quiet amusing waking up this morning to have both of my arms being wrapt around my tummy.
I can only look forward until Friday, for some reason Friday, for me is one big step along this lonely road. I feel as though once I reach Friday then maybe I can let a little sigh of relief out. Then the next moment I think about the 17th of Jan where I have my first OB appointment after that I will be more relaxed about this pregnancy.
Then I wonder is this what my pregnancy going to be like; living and not breathing until each small milestone is reached?
I don’t feel prepared of this part of the road; maybe I’m just outside my comfort zone, which makes me wonder how did I ever get comfortable on the TTC part of the road? I’m in shock that I’ve just realised that I got nice a comfy in the TTC road…. It had been my life for the past 3 years why wouldn’t you feel comfortable, but by just saying that make my mind reel with obscenities. IT IS NOT RIGHT! I should never have become comfortable there. But I did and now here I am (at work) craving some dark cool corner where I can rock back and forward (like some fucking lunatic) hugging my tummy until Friday is here.
Is it normal to feel like this?
It feels as though each morning I wake up and I’m on a new square of pavement and it is boiling hot from the sun and has glass, dirt and other sharp bits on it. I see myself looking at my toes and willing them to move a slow shuffling pace. By the end of that day I have only walked one pavement square but it feels like I’ve walked to the moon and back.
I tell myself “Today you are pregnant, be happy relax and enjoy all the attention”, but by mid afternoon all I want to do is go to a very cool and dark corner and just sit holding my tummy protectively, not that I think that this will really protect Bobim from anything but it is a comforting gesture. Actually it was quiet amusing waking up this morning to have both of my arms being wrapt around my tummy.
I can only look forward until Friday, for some reason Friday, for me is one big step along this lonely road. I feel as though once I reach Friday then maybe I can let a little sigh of relief out. Then the next moment I think about the 17th of Jan where I have my first OB appointment after that I will be more relaxed about this pregnancy.
Then I wonder is this what my pregnancy going to be like; living and not breathing until each small milestone is reached?
I don’t feel prepared of this part of the road; maybe I’m just outside my comfort zone, which makes me wonder how did I ever get comfortable on the TTC part of the road? I’m in shock that I’ve just realised that I got nice a comfy in the TTC road…. It had been my life for the past 3 years why wouldn’t you feel comfortable, but by just saying that make my mind reel with obscenities. IT IS NOT RIGHT! I should never have become comfortable there. But I did and now here I am (at work) craving some dark cool corner where I can rock back and forward (like some fucking lunatic) hugging my tummy until Friday is here.
Is it normal to feel like this?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year
We had a quiet night last night, I couldn’t stay up until midnight as I had crashed by 10:30pm. I’m glad that we didn’t do anything as I knew that I wouldn’t make it the whole night.
But boy was it bloody hot here! We’ve had the a/c going for the past 48 hours and I’m praying that today we get some relief with a cool change.
I’m looking forward to this year, Tim’s sister is having her baby in Feb, I’m possibly having mine in August, it is our 10 year wedding anniversary this year and I’m turning 30. Much to look forward to, feeling very positive and optimistic about the new year!
To all my cyber blog friends, I wish you all the happiness, love and peace for this New Year and to my infertile friends; I wish that this year be ‘the’ year for you!
But boy was it bloody hot here! We’ve had the a/c going for the past 48 hours and I’m praying that today we get some relief with a cool change.
I’m looking forward to this year, Tim’s sister is having her baby in Feb, I’m possibly having mine in August, it is our 10 year wedding anniversary this year and I’m turning 30. Much to look forward to, feeling very positive and optimistic about the new year!
To all my cyber blog friends, I wish you all the happiness, love and peace for this New Year and to my infertile friends; I wish that this year be ‘the’ year for you!
Friday, December 30, 2005
This morning
I woke up as I normally do and went to the bathroom, being the paranoid expecting mother that I am I still check for any spotting. Well this morning there was a 5 cent size bright red spot on the toilet paper. So I wiped and checked, wiped and checked (rinse and repeated) until there was no sign left. I think that I may have used the whole toilet roll checking this morning.
Since then I’ve been like a lunatic drink water, or just going to the toilet just to check. There has been NO other spotting or NO cramping. I’ve done absolutely nothing this morning. I did get up and dressed and moved myself onto the couch.
Tim and I are scared shitless, and we have had the same discussion over and over, should I go to the hospital? If I went to the hospital would they do a beta hCG test and would we get the results today? Should I go to my gp?
The occasionally one of us says out loud “I don’t want to loose our Bobim”. I’m trying not to stress, but how the fuck can’t I?
I recently bought a great book as recommended by Bugsy “What to expect when expecting” and it says that unless I have cramping and bleeding then I should just go to the hospital.
If you could just please spare a thought for us and pray that this little bit of blood this morning does not mean the end of our Bobim I would greatly appreciate it!
Since then I’ve been like a lunatic drink water, or just going to the toilet just to check. There has been NO other spotting or NO cramping. I’ve done absolutely nothing this morning. I did get up and dressed and moved myself onto the couch.
Tim and I are scared shitless, and we have had the same discussion over and over, should I go to the hospital? If I went to the hospital would they do a beta hCG test and would we get the results today? Should I go to my gp?
The occasionally one of us says out loud “I don’t want to loose our Bobim”. I’m trying not to stress, but how the fuck can’t I?
I recently bought a great book as recommended by Bugsy “What to expect when expecting” and it says that unless I have cramping and bleeding then I should just go to the hospital.
If you could just please spare a thought for us and pray that this little bit of blood this morning does not mean the end of our Bobim I would greatly appreciate it!
Monday, December 26, 2005
Bobim
I know that our Bobim is with us, the blood tests and multiple hpt’s have also confirmed it, for some reason part of me doesn’t really believe it. I keep questioning myself, AM I REALLY PREGNANT?
It all just doesn’t feel real and I wonder if this is normal?
Or am I trying to protect myself?
I’m still scared that I will loose Bobim, but that hasn’t stopped us from telling people. Tim and I discussed this at length, over many hours, days even and we both wanted people in our life to acknowledge the fact that Bobim is here with us and if for some reason something does happen, or Bobim will know that it was Loved, Cherished and wanted.
I also feel so out of my depth, Infertility I felt that I was well schooled on the subject. Trying to conceive using assisted reproductive technology was my life, month to month.
But this pregnant business is totally new to me (obviously); I’m reading “Up the Duff”. I was stupid enough to tell Tim the other day that Bobim is the size of a coffee bean. This is how Tim refers to our Baby….Coffee bean!
I’ve resorted to ringing my mother for odd things and asking her, is it normal to feel like you need to pee but nothing comes out?
Is it normal to be this FUCKING forgetful, as I can’t even remember the names of things?
Is it normal for my calf muscles to feel like they are on fire?
I feel as though I almost need to have a crash course on pregnancy which is funny as I’ve been striving to get this far and when I’m here, I’m loosing it and feel totally lost.
It all just doesn’t feel real and I wonder if this is normal?
Or am I trying to protect myself?
I’m still scared that I will loose Bobim, but that hasn’t stopped us from telling people. Tim and I discussed this at length, over many hours, days even and we both wanted people in our life to acknowledge the fact that Bobim is here with us and if for some reason something does happen, or Bobim will know that it was Loved, Cherished and wanted.
I also feel so out of my depth, Infertility I felt that I was well schooled on the subject. Trying to conceive using assisted reproductive technology was my life, month to month.
But this pregnant business is totally new to me (obviously); I’m reading “Up the Duff”. I was stupid enough to tell Tim the other day that Bobim is the size of a coffee bean. This is how Tim refers to our Baby….Coffee bean!
I’ve resorted to ringing my mother for odd things and asking her, is it normal to feel like you need to pee but nothing comes out?
Is it normal to be this FUCKING forgetful, as I can’t even remember the names of things?
Is it normal for my calf muscles to feel like they are on fire?
I feel as though I almost need to have a crash course on pregnancy which is funny as I’ve been striving to get this far and when I’m here, I’m loosing it and feel totally lost.
Christmas
All I can say is that I’m glad that it is over. I did not have the Christmas spirit this year, even though I found out that Bobim is with us. I just couldn’t get into it.
I didn’t put a Christmas tree up, didn’t send any Christmas cards and when someone said Merry Christmas, I mumbled a half arsed, half heard response.
I can’t blame one thing of my bah-humbug feelings, it just didn’t feel right to celebrate it.
Last week I didn’t work and I had Ellie stay with me, oh the shopping we did…OMG I will never, ever leave Christmas shopping to the last minute again AND I will set a budget and NOT give anyone a choice about what they are going to receive.
If all goes well them nearly everyone will be received a gift of a photo of Bobim.
Tim and I did spend the last two days with our families and it was lovely, nice and low key which was perfect. Almost falling asleep in the afternoon's was quite amusing. I do feel bad for leaving early yesterday but just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I had to drive. I hope that Anyu and Apu understands....
I didn’t put a Christmas tree up, didn’t send any Christmas cards and when someone said Merry Christmas, I mumbled a half arsed, half heard response.
I can’t blame one thing of my bah-humbug feelings, it just didn’t feel right to celebrate it.
Last week I didn’t work and I had Ellie stay with me, oh the shopping we did…OMG I will never, ever leave Christmas shopping to the last minute again AND I will set a budget and NOT give anyone a choice about what they are going to receive.
If all goes well them nearly everyone will be received a gift of a photo of Bobim.
Tim and I did spend the last two days with our families and it was lovely, nice and low key which was perfect. Almost falling asleep in the afternoon's was quite amusing. I do feel bad for leaving early yesterday but just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I had to drive. I hope that Anyu and Apu understands....
Friday, December 23, 2005
See the ticker?
OK I think that it was high time that I add my ticker to this blog.
Was very nervous about doing this! Shit scared really, but there is nothing I can do to change what ever will happen in the future and I have to live for NOW, and right now I am Pregnant!
Was very nervous about doing this! Shit scared really, but there is nothing I can do to change what ever will happen in the future and I have to live for NOW, and right now I am Pregnant!
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Second Beta
I’ve been stressing since 2pm as I called Dr New’s office for my results and was kept waiting. I ended up calling about 3 times looking for my results. Anyway here they are:
- e2 = 1663
- p4 = 46.8
- beta hCG = 1230
I’m a little worried about the p4 level, should I be?
Needing some reassurance…
- e2 = 1663
- p4 = 46.8
- beta hCG = 1230
I’m a little worried about the p4 level, should I be?
Needing some reassurance…
Monday, December 19, 2005
Meeting with Dr New
It was a very positive meeting with Dr New this morning. Ellie was with me, he was very happy with the out come and has referred me to an OB that ‘looks after his pregnancies’.
Dr New sits there and says to me “It is still early days and you shouldn’t really make this public”.
I sat there stunned here I am in the room with Ellie and it is obvious that she knows, and my mother knows. I just nodded my head and said “ok”. He then went on to tell me that I have an 80% chance of this pregnancy continuing, which I have to say I like those odds.
I’m having another e2, p4 and beta hcg blood test on Wednesday to check that they are rising nicely and, AND I have been booked in for an ultrasound on the 6th of Jan.
With the blood test result if all looks good I was then told that the chances would be up around the 90% mark. NICE ONE eh?
Dr New sits there and says to me “It is still early days and you shouldn’t really make this public”.
I sat there stunned here I am in the room with Ellie and it is obvious that she knows, and my mother knows. I just nodded my head and said “ok”. He then went on to tell me that I have an 80% chance of this pregnancy continuing, which I have to say I like those odds.
I’m having another e2, p4 and beta hcg blood test on Wednesday to check that they are rising nicely and, AND I have been booked in for an ultrasound on the 6th of Jan.
With the blood test result if all looks good I was then told that the chances would be up around the 90% mark. NICE ONE eh?
Thursday, December 15, 2005
OMG
I can't really talk (or type) as I'm shaking:
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.
I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.
I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.
Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.
I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.
I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.
Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.
Saga of peeing on sticks
Nothing in life is ever simple, but at least now I know which brands give me the right result. I have done a number of HPT’s over week or so but I get mixed messages, for instance:
- Sunday morning it was a negative*
- Monday morning it was a positive (faint)#
- Tuesday morning it was a negative*
- Last night I did two using two different brands, both positive (faint)#^
- This morning it was a positive (faint)#
* Clearblue
# Crystal Clear
^ Discovery
With the inconsistencies of these HPT’s Tim and I agreed to hold our excitement until we received the blood test results, which will be this afternoon. Joking I said to Tim on Tuesday that I think even 9 months pregnant the Clearblue tests would still be negative. However all the second lines have been very faint; they have never been as strong as the control line.
I didn’t blog about them for some reason, perhaps there is still something deep inside me holding me back from admitting that maybe I could just be…. you know…. Perhaps it is my way of protecting my heart.
Sigh….I will know this afternoon at any rate….and I will update as soon as possible.
- Sunday morning it was a negative*
- Monday morning it was a positive (faint)#
- Tuesday morning it was a negative*
- Last night I did two using two different brands, both positive (faint)#^
- This morning it was a positive (faint)#
* Clearblue
# Crystal Clear
^ Discovery
With the inconsistencies of these HPT’s Tim and I agreed to hold our excitement until we received the blood test results, which will be this afternoon. Joking I said to Tim on Tuesday that I think even 9 months pregnant the Clearblue tests would still be negative. However all the second lines have been very faint; they have never been as strong as the control line.
I didn’t blog about them for some reason, perhaps there is still something deep inside me holding me back from admitting that maybe I could just be…. you know…. Perhaps it is my way of protecting my heart.
Sigh….I will know this afternoon at any rate….and I will update as soon as possible.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
CD36 16DPO
I got my results this afternoon:
e2 = 884
p4 = 48.6
Next blood test is on Thursday e2, p4 and beta hcg I begged Dr New to have the results Thursday afternoon and not make me wait until Friday.
The message was "Dr New is very optomistic".... holy shit, holy shit was going through my head
I was worried that my p4 levels had dropped, but was told it wasn't a problem.
When I woke this morning Tim rolled over to look at me and instead of saying good morning or something sweet...all I said was "My boobs still hurt", Tim just grunts and goes back to sleep. That is what our marriage is based on these days, spotting updates anytime of the day, pains, cramps and whether or not my boobs still hurt.
Manuela - that bat I'm using to beat the bitch back is not working too much anymore.. help
e2 = 884
p4 = 48.6
Next blood test is on Thursday e2, p4 and beta hcg I begged Dr New to have the results Thursday afternoon and not make me wait until Friday.
The message was "Dr New is very optomistic".... holy shit, holy shit was going through my head
I was worried that my p4 levels had dropped, but was told it wasn't a problem.
When I woke this morning Tim rolled over to look at me and instead of saying good morning or something sweet...all I said was "My boobs still hurt", Tim just grunts and goes back to sleep. That is what our marriage is based on these days, spotting updates anytime of the day, pains, cramps and whether or not my boobs still hurt.
Manuela - that bat I'm using to beat the bitch back is not working too much anymore.. help
Monday, December 12, 2005
CD 35 15DPO
Not much to report, no sign of my period. My ovaries are still sore on both sides but it is not constant. My boobs are still sore. I had my blood test this morning but won't be getting the result until tomorrow...which is shit.
Hope has been visiting again, just last I caught her making plans of how I would decorate 'the' room, she wouldn't leave me alone so I got out of bed and washed my face doing the whole, cleanser, toner and moisturiser... I never really do this as I don't look after myself at all. But it did the trick, she was fought away as my mind was otherwise occupied.
I've taken to wearing a pad just to check for any spotting.
Give me strength to get through the rest of the day and tomorrow.
Thank you all for your comments, it is what is keeping me from going crazy.
Hope has been visiting again, just last I caught her making plans of how I would decorate 'the' room, she wouldn't leave me alone so I got out of bed and washed my face doing the whole, cleanser, toner and moisturiser... I never really do this as I don't look after myself at all. But it did the trick, she was fought away as my mind was otherwise occupied.
I've taken to wearing a pad just to check for any spotting.
Give me strength to get through the rest of the day and tomorrow.
Thank you all for your comments, it is what is keeping me from going crazy.
Friday, December 09, 2005
CD 32 12 DPO
I’m drinking so much fucking water as an excuse to go to the toilet to check for potential spotting and after one of those episodes I had missed the call from Dr New’s office. So I called back:
“Hello Reena speaking”
“Hi Reena it’s Mari here”
“Oh hello, did you get our missed call on your mobile?”
“Um, yes"….fuck just tell me woman…give it to me straight
“I’m sorry but your p4 levels have dropped and you can expect your period”….those were the words I was expecting NOT: “Your results are in and no more injections and another e2 and p4 on Monday and call us Tuesday”
“OH, ok can you please tell me my levels?”
“Yes e2 = 788 and p4 = 54”
“Ok thanks” sitting in the meeting room going pale….FUCK, don’t know what to make of this….
This weekend will be a very long one for me, not only work wise but FUCK I don’t know if I will be able to hold out until Tuesday for the results and NOT to a HPT…
There is no way that I could be…is there? You know what...don't answer that questions as I don't want hope here at all...
“Hello Reena speaking”
“Hi Reena it’s Mari here”
“Oh hello, did you get our missed call on your mobile?”
“Um, yes"….fuck just tell me woman…give it to me straight
“I’m sorry but your p4 levels have dropped and you can expect your period”….those were the words I was expecting NOT: “Your results are in and no more injections and another e2 and p4 on Monday and call us Tuesday”
“OH, ok can you please tell me my levels?”
“Yes e2 = 788 and p4 = 54”
“Ok thanks” sitting in the meeting room going pale….FUCK, don’t know what to make of this….
This weekend will be a very long one for me, not only work wise but FUCK I don’t know if I will be able to hold out until Tuesday for the results and NOT to a HPT…
There is no way that I could be…is there? You know what...don't answer that questions as I don't want hope here at all...
Some lighthearted entertainment during 2WW.
Today I thought I would let you in on one of my weird practices when I’m cycling, this was not my idea (I got it from EB years ago) but I adopted this philosophy like my Cycle Religion and it relates to my underwear (undies) practices.
The start of a ‘normal’ cycles means are normally bleeding so I wear the old comfortable undies mainly in dark colours. During the most fertile times, you are closer to Ovulation I continue to wear dark undies to help keep track of (for me the elusive) EWCM.
Then during the 2WW I switch to wearing light coloured undies, so that I can scrutinise any smudges, checking for any spotting, be it dark, red or pinkish.
This is one of the quirky things I that do when cycling, and I would like to know if anyone else does similar things?
The start of a ‘normal’ cycles means are normally bleeding so I wear the old comfortable undies mainly in dark colours. During the most fertile times, you are closer to Ovulation I continue to wear dark undies to help keep track of (for me the elusive) EWCM.
Then during the 2WW I switch to wearing light coloured undies, so that I can scrutinise any smudges, checking for any spotting, be it dark, red or pinkish.
This is one of the quirky things I that do when cycling, and I would like to know if anyone else does similar things?
Thursday, December 08, 2005
CD 31 11DPO
There is an oval shaped counter, the walls are apricot / peach in colour, on the wall behind the desk is a giant egg with a single sperm attacking it and the words “Monash IVF” just under the egg, soft Christmas music playing in the back ground, the lady behind the counter is busy shuffling paper, whilst marking of peoples names. Five women are patiently waiting for their names to be called for their blood test. All nervous and all sneakily look around at each other, perhaps wondering what each other women is doing, the flicking of magazine pages. In come more people to get their names marked off.
“Kathleen” says the blood drive nurse; I look up from my book, three more to go before me, quietly sighing as I get back to my book. ‘So you come before me, little woman, little man. Come to invoke the ancient laws and beg a boon of Jack in-the-Green’…”Monica”, two more. ‘Kerra kept her eyes on the patchwork carpet of leaves spreading at her feet. It did not do to look too long into the eyes of such as stood before her now.’
“Tracy” I put my book away and start looking around the waiting room that I have visited many times during the past 2 years, looking at the Christmas decorations and the presents under the tree when all of a sudden this thought pop’s into my head: ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if this Christmas I could tell my family that I was pregnant’, I sit there and fantasize how it would be, Anyu and Apu crying and MIL and FIL smiling happy, Ellie and Tina jumping up, a flood of questions bombard me.
Then I hear “Maria” and it all comes crashing down…where the fuck did that thought come from….STAY away from me, I don’t want those thought is my head….they hurt too fucking much. How dare you….as Manuela mentioned in one of her recent posts…HOPE is not welcome here.
“Kathleen” says the blood drive nurse; I look up from my book, three more to go before me, quietly sighing as I get back to my book. ‘So you come before me, little woman, little man. Come to invoke the ancient laws and beg a boon of Jack in-the-Green’…”Monica”, two more. ‘Kerra kept her eyes on the patchwork carpet of leaves spreading at her feet. It did not do to look too long into the eyes of such as stood before her now.’
“Tracy” I put my book away and start looking around the waiting room that I have visited many times during the past 2 years, looking at the Christmas decorations and the presents under the tree when all of a sudden this thought pop’s into my head: ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if this Christmas I could tell my family that I was pregnant’, I sit there and fantasize how it would be, Anyu and Apu crying and MIL and FIL smiling happy, Ellie and Tina jumping up, a flood of questions bombard me.
Then I hear “Maria” and it all comes crashing down…where the fuck did that thought come from….STAY away from me, I don’t want those thought is my head….they hurt too fucking much. How dare you….as Manuela mentioned in one of her recent posts…HOPE is not welcome here.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
CD29 9DPO update
Results are:
e2 = 585
p4 = 34.4
I'm to have another booster shot tonight, never had two boosters in a cycle...wonder what this means??
Next Blood test is on Thursday and results on Friday.
e2 = 585
p4 = 34.4
I'm to have another booster shot tonight, never had two boosters in a cycle...wonder what this means??
Next Blood test is on Thursday and results on Friday.
CD29 9DPO
My blood test results on Friday were ok (I think):
e2 = 484
p4 = 13.4
I had a booster shot on Friday and another e2, p4 blood test yesterday. I’m just now waiting for the results, I have also made an appointment to see Dr New after this cycle. Yes I’ve already assumed that I’m not pregnant, I think that it is easier to convince myself that there is no FUCKING way that I could be pregnant, than live with the possibility that I might just be.
My mind is in denial….NO I won’t go there I can’t, tis just too hard. Shit I don’t know why I’m even planning on testing on Thursday (I will be 11DPO on Thursday).
The other day I was happily having breakfast when suddenly I had the shock of my life as I realised that I had not taken my folate for the whole FUCKING cycle….as you can imagine I totally freaked out and thought of just popping as many pills as I could fit into my mouth all at once.
In the next breath I just shrugged it off mentally and told myself “This cycle wasn’t going to work anyway”. Mind you I still have not taken any folate….never remember to do it and the bottom of pills is right in front of me.
Then…oh this gets better…we have a new shopping centre that just recently opened up down the street from us and Tim and I decided to try some new take out…and of course we buy Fish ‘n Chips…YES Fish ‘n Chips in the 2WW. The thought had not even crossed my mind, I was happily drinking in the fried smell on the way home, and whilst opening the packets of butcher paper I again got another shock, this time I’m screaming like a banshee to Tim “Oh Fuck I’m not meant to eat fish…fuck”.
But I did, I mean it was food and I’m not about to waste food. But again my thought was “Hhhmhp I’m not pregnant so what does it matter”.
These are just a few examples of the less than cautious attitude that I have this 2WW, I’m usually very good, I eat and do the right things but this time, it has felt as though I’m going through the motions, my heart is just not in it.
I’ve had and done the following in the 2WW which I’ve been told I should not do:
- Mind boggling, screaming orgasm (hehehe loved that one)
- Drank Coffee
- Had a couple glasses of wine
- Fish ‘n Chips
- Not taken folate
- Lifted heavy shopping bags
- Cleaned the house
- Changed the kitty litter.
There’s no way that I could be pregnant…..is there?
e2 = 484
p4 = 13.4
I had a booster shot on Friday and another e2, p4 blood test yesterday. I’m just now waiting for the results, I have also made an appointment to see Dr New after this cycle. Yes I’ve already assumed that I’m not pregnant, I think that it is easier to convince myself that there is no FUCKING way that I could be pregnant, than live with the possibility that I might just be.
My mind is in denial….NO I won’t go there I can’t, tis just too hard. Shit I don’t know why I’m even planning on testing on Thursday (I will be 11DPO on Thursday).
The other day I was happily having breakfast when suddenly I had the shock of my life as I realised that I had not taken my folate for the whole FUCKING cycle….as you can imagine I totally freaked out and thought of just popping as many pills as I could fit into my mouth all at once.
In the next breath I just shrugged it off mentally and told myself “This cycle wasn’t going to work anyway”. Mind you I still have not taken any folate….never remember to do it and the bottom of pills is right in front of me.
Then…oh this gets better…we have a new shopping centre that just recently opened up down the street from us and Tim and I decided to try some new take out…and of course we buy Fish ‘n Chips…YES Fish ‘n Chips in the 2WW. The thought had not even crossed my mind, I was happily drinking in the fried smell on the way home, and whilst opening the packets of butcher paper I again got another shock, this time I’m screaming like a banshee to Tim “Oh Fuck I’m not meant to eat fish…fuck”.
But I did, I mean it was food and I’m not about to waste food. But again my thought was “Hhhmhp I’m not pregnant so what does it matter”.
These are just a few examples of the less than cautious attitude that I have this 2WW, I’m usually very good, I eat and do the right things but this time, it has felt as though I’m going through the motions, my heart is just not in it.
I’ve had and done the following in the 2WW which I’ve been told I should not do:
- Mind boggling, screaming orgasm (hehehe loved that one)
- Drank Coffee
- Had a couple glasses of wine
- Fish ‘n Chips
- Not taken folate
- Lifted heavy shopping bags
- Cleaned the house
- Changed the kitty litter.
There’s no way that I could be pregnant…..is there?
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Ponderings
Thank you all for your comments! Yes Tim and I have been enjoying the last few days. When we started OI and we knew that we would be told when to ‘do it’ we made a pact to try to make the ‘doing it’ as special as possible and not just… you know… quick and mechanical.
I had my blood test this morning for e2 and p4 and I will get my results tomorrow. On the walk down to the train station I was struck by how happy I was, or more to the point how comfortable I was at this clinic.
The lady that does the bloods on Mondays and Thursdays is fantastic, she always greets me with a smile and knows my name and makes me feel really comfortable and we always have a quick joke or some type of chit chat. She is not a fertility nurse but always asks me in a caring manner how my cycle is going. But to me it is almost like a slap in the face as I would not have known this lady if I did have fertility issues, I would not be seeing her on a regular basis if I wasn’t going through this crap. So how can my feeling of being comfortable and happy to see her be right?
This was going on in my mind as I’m walking along, I don’t just ponder this question…oh no, I then jump onto the other great relationships that I’ve also formed along the way. P my first nurse, I still talk to her if there is a problem with me trying to book a b/t. Other nurses whom I sometimes see at water aerobics. Dr News staff who call me and we joke around and are fantastic when things get a bit muddled.
I’ve often seen how others treat the same people that I deal with, they come in don’t really speak and sit down and it is almost like they remove themselves emotionally from these people they have contact with, I’ve even seen Men and women being quite rude to some to the nurses almost as though the blame is being on them.
I understand why some are like this, they don’t want to make this process memorable and honestly it is not a dream but a fucking nightmare. But I can’t blame the lady who takes my blood test for my failing body… I can’t even really blame myself, my body is just fucked but I’m dealing with it. I don’t see any reason to treat any of these ladies with out respect and if we joke about and gain a little insight into each others lives…then is it really wrong?
As you can see I really don’t have anything else important on my hands than worry about how the lady that takes my blood is feeling and questioning my feelings toward the whole process.
I had my blood test this morning for e2 and p4 and I will get my results tomorrow. On the walk down to the train station I was struck by how happy I was, or more to the point how comfortable I was at this clinic.
The lady that does the bloods on Mondays and Thursdays is fantastic, she always greets me with a smile and knows my name and makes me feel really comfortable and we always have a quick joke or some type of chit chat. She is not a fertility nurse but always asks me in a caring manner how my cycle is going. But to me it is almost like a slap in the face as I would not have known this lady if I did have fertility issues, I would not be seeing her on a regular basis if I wasn’t going through this crap. So how can my feeling of being comfortable and happy to see her be right?
This was going on in my mind as I’m walking along, I don’t just ponder this question…oh no, I then jump onto the other great relationships that I’ve also formed along the way. P my first nurse, I still talk to her if there is a problem with me trying to book a b/t. Other nurses whom I sometimes see at water aerobics. Dr News staff who call me and we joke around and are fantastic when things get a bit muddled.
I’ve often seen how others treat the same people that I deal with, they come in don’t really speak and sit down and it is almost like they remove themselves emotionally from these people they have contact with, I’ve even seen Men and women being quite rude to some to the nurses almost as though the blame is being on them.
I understand why some are like this, they don’t want to make this process memorable and honestly it is not a dream but a fucking nightmare. But I can’t blame the lady who takes my blood test for my failing body… I can’t even really blame myself, my body is just fucked but I’m dealing with it. I don’t see any reason to treat any of these ladies with out respect and if we joke about and gain a little insight into each others lives…then is it really wrong?
As you can see I really don’t have anything else important on my hands than worry about how the lady that takes my blood is feeling and questioning my feelings toward the whole process.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
CD19
Another 2 nights of stims 150 and 112.5 and then Trigger shot on Sunday, we have been told to have sex Sunday and Monday and then another blood test on Thursday, this time e2 and p4.
Friday, November 25, 2005
CD18
Just arrived to work from the scan and not really the good news that I was hoping my follies are not growing as expected, but then again how often does my body work as expected???
The results are:
RO = 11mm
LO = 14mm
Now waiting on further instructions.
Even though I mentioned that I didn't think that there was any chance of this cycle working, my fingers are crossed I'm holding my breath (not literally), and I'm nervous yet excited. I want this cycle to happen cause I don't want the surgery, I'm terrified of it and the implications.
I have also decided that after we implement this phase of the project I'm going to start looking for another job. They are already talking about the next phase of implementation and is going to be either the same of worse than it is now and I'm not coping. I'm snapping, exhausted, Tim and I haven't really spoken to each other nor spent time together and it is just too much....too much...I'm only one person and it is just too much for me to handle. But handling it I am right now...but not for too much longer....
The results are:
RO = 11mm
LO = 14mm
Now waiting on further instructions.
Even though I mentioned that I didn't think that there was any chance of this cycle working, my fingers are crossed I'm holding my breath (not literally), and I'm nervous yet excited. I want this cycle to happen cause I don't want the surgery, I'm terrified of it and the implications.
I have also decided that after we implement this phase of the project I'm going to start looking for another job. They are already talking about the next phase of implementation and is going to be either the same of worse than it is now and I'm not coping. I'm snapping, exhausted, Tim and I haven't really spoken to each other nor spent time together and it is just too much....too much...I'm only one person and it is just too much for me to handle. But handling it I am right now...but not for too much longer....
Thursday, November 24, 2005
CD17
I'm to continue stims until tomorrow where another follicle ultrasound will be taking place...grow follies grow...
Will update tomorrow with the results. Fingers crossed.
Will update tomorrow with the results. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
CD15
Let me start by saying that there is a bugger of a chance that this cycle will work, my mind is not on TTC, the demands of my time for my job is ridiculous and I doubt that it will let up at all...the thought of having sex is the last thing on my mind...Every day it feels as though I’m going to a boxing ring, the political games that are occurring astound me…but I digress.
Late yesterday afternoon I got the call that Dr New wanted me to have a follicle scan today….so off I went, the results are not too good but then again I was shocked that he wanted a scan this early in the cycle:
RO = 13f largest being 8mm
LO = 17f largest being 9mm
My guess is that I will be doing a few more days of FSH then trigger this week sometime…I will wait and see.
Late yesterday afternoon I got the call that Dr New wanted me to have a follicle scan today….so off I went, the results are not too good but then again I was shocked that he wanted a scan this early in the cycle:
RO = 13f largest being 8mm
LO = 17f largest being 9mm
My guess is that I will be doing a few more days of FSH then trigger this week sometime…I will wait and see.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Cycle update
After a slow start I'm now on 150iu of FSH, I had an e2 blood test on Thursday all looks good and I'm to have another on Monday.
shhhh don't tell anyone but I'm not taking metformin this cycle....for some reason I wanted to try this cycle without....shhhhh mini experiment.
To Bugsy - wishin you a very Happy Birthday today, may this next year bring you the joy you deserve.
The reason for the lack of posting....work fucken sucks right now....
shhhh don't tell anyone but I'm not taking metformin this cycle....for some reason I wanted to try this cycle without....shhhhh mini experiment.
To Bugsy - wishin you a very Happy Birthday today, may this next year bring you the joy you deserve.
The reason for the lack of posting....work fucken sucks right now....
Sorry
To my darling husband over the last few weeks we have discussed our dreams and hopes for the future and our growing desire for a baby. I know how much you want this cycle to work and I’m so very sorry that I have let you down up till now. January will mark the start of our 4th year of trying and I know that is sucks, I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.
To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.
I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…
To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.
To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.
I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…
To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
CD03
I'm sorry that I haven't updated, work has been shit.
But I got my period late Tuesday afternoon and I called Dr New yesterday to start the new OI cycle. So now I'm waiting for them to call back so that I can have the baseline blood test.
I am ok with having my period, yes it means another failed cycle and that I'm not pregnant. BUT it means that I have my period...after quickly checking back this year I've only had my period 5 times....yes that's right 5 times, 4 out of the 5 times was due to either having to take drugs to bring on a bleed or due to injections. I've only had 1 period that my body produced all by itself, which took four months coming.
With the glass half full attitude....I would rather have my period arrive than sit here for months on end waiting for it to show by itself. I'm not fooling myself into believing that a failed cycle means nothing...it is hard, and sucks and I do want my bobim soo fucking much. But part of me is glad to be sitting here suffering cramps....because it means that I can start again soon.....not having to wait months on end....
But I got my period late Tuesday afternoon and I called Dr New yesterday to start the new OI cycle. So now I'm waiting for them to call back so that I can have the baseline blood test.
I am ok with having my period, yes it means another failed cycle and that I'm not pregnant. BUT it means that I have my period...after quickly checking back this year I've only had my period 5 times....yes that's right 5 times, 4 out of the 5 times was due to either having to take drugs to bring on a bleed or due to injections. I've only had 1 period that my body produced all by itself, which took four months coming.
With the glass half full attitude....I would rather have my period arrive than sit here for months on end waiting for it to show by itself. I'm not fooling myself into believing that a failed cycle means nothing...it is hard, and sucks and I do want my bobim soo fucking much. But part of me is glad to be sitting here suffering cramps....because it means that I can start again soon.....not having to wait months on end....
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Results
e2 = 298
p4 = 8.0
Now waiting for my period....wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can start again.
p4 = 8.0
Now waiting for my period....wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can start again.
Please explain!?!?!?
*****TMI WARNING****
Spotting was really nothing, a couple of little spots on a pad, sent me crazy.. Thanks to Bugsy who has kept me sane over the last day or so.
I only have some light brown, slightly pinkish smudges...when I wipe....and no cramping.
This is so unlike me...
I will get my blood test results this afternoon...
Spotting was really nothing, a couple of little spots on a pad, sent me crazy.. Thanks to Bugsy who has kept me sane over the last day or so.
I only have some light brown, slightly pinkish smudges...when I wipe....and no cramping.
This is so unlike me...
I will get my blood test results this afternoon...
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Is this the End??
I've started spotting....tomorrow maybe CD01, I'm still going for the e2, p4 blood test though.
I just knew it...
fuck....
"another one bites the dust......"
I just knew it...
fuck....
"another one bites the dust......"
Friday, November 04, 2005
Planning ahead
In my mind I’m already planning ahead, I’ve automatically assumed that I’m not pregnant and I’ve already worked out that I can get one more cycle in before Christmas…and guess what?? I’ve already assumed that the next cycle will fail as well.
I want to call Dr New and arrange an appointment just before Christmas, the last time I saw him (at the start of this cycle) he mentioned that we would do 3 OI cycles together and then I would be off to have surgery….to have my stomach stapled…which has now got me convinced that I can’t fall pregnant without this drastic surgery….What is with that?
I’ve also already packed my prescriptions to drop off at the chemist on the way home from work today, so that they can order my goodies for the next cycle…which again I assume is going to fail.
I haven’t got my period, I haven’t done a HPT…I actually don’t have any in the house and have made no plans to buy one…my p4 levels are nice and high and yet here I am expecting to call Dr New’s office on Monday saying that I got my period over the weekend…is my mind bringing my period on..all by itself? You know the whole mind over matter shit…..am I unconsciously making myself not fall pregnant?
Maybe it is time to see J (the kinesiologist) again and see what deep dark feelings I’m hiding from myself as I obviously have no fear anymore that it won’t work…as during the night I have convinced myself that it hasn’t worked….maybe that is my new fear that it will work….but how can that be…I want a baby…don’t I?
I want to call Dr New and arrange an appointment just before Christmas, the last time I saw him (at the start of this cycle) he mentioned that we would do 3 OI cycles together and then I would be off to have surgery….to have my stomach stapled…which has now got me convinced that I can’t fall pregnant without this drastic surgery….What is with that?
I’ve also already packed my prescriptions to drop off at the chemist on the way home from work today, so that they can order my goodies for the next cycle…which again I assume is going to fail.
I haven’t got my period, I haven’t done a HPT…I actually don’t have any in the house and have made no plans to buy one…my p4 levels are nice and high and yet here I am expecting to call Dr New’s office on Monday saying that I got my period over the weekend…is my mind bringing my period on..all by itself? You know the whole mind over matter shit…..am I unconsciously making myself not fall pregnant?
Maybe it is time to see J (the kinesiologist) again and see what deep dark feelings I’m hiding from myself as I obviously have no fear anymore that it won’t work…as during the night I have convinced myself that it hasn’t worked….maybe that is my new fear that it will work….but how can that be…I want a baby…don’t I?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Look at this...LOOK!!!
CD27 and 9DPO
I got my results earlier for my blood test yesterday:
e2 = 2187
p4 = 103
Can you believe it 103!!!! It has never been this high before...don't know if it is good sign or not and I know it does mean that I'm....you know...but last cycle my p4 was 70.7 at 9DPO and this cycle it is 103 at 8DPO!!! AND it also means that my p4 level jumped from 17 last Friday to 103 yesterday...
All that keeps on going through my mind is 103, 103, 103...WOW I can't believe it.
Next e2 and p4 is on Monday.
I got my results earlier for my blood test yesterday:
e2 = 2187
p4 = 103
Can you believe it 103!!!! It has never been this high before...don't know if it is good sign or not and I know it does mean that I'm....you know...but last cycle my p4 was 70.7 at 9DPO and this cycle it is 103 at 8DPO!!! AND it also means that my p4 level jumped from 17 last Friday to 103 yesterday...
All that keeps on going through my mind is 103, 103, 103...WOW I can't believe it.
Next e2 and p4 is on Monday.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Back and cycle update
We arrived back from our trip late yesterday afternoon, we had such a lovely time just the two of us. A good way to switch off and just enjoy our own company.
Friday on the way to Mildura I got my blood test results for 3 DPO:
- e2 = 800
- p4 = 17
A good sign that I ovulated...yay!
I had another Trigger shot on Friday...hehehehe had to carry the ampules, syringe, needles and medical swab with us and luckily we had an esky (cooler) to keep the ampules at the right temperature.
I was asked to have a another e2 and p4 on Monday but because I was out of Melbourne I asked to move it to Wednesday. Dr New secretary was astonished that I was not in Melbourne and not willing to cut my trip short just to come back for a blood test. Well that it not really true, Tim and I were willing to change our plans but we have always been advised not to change our life style to fit in with TTC.
But after more phone calls to Dr New it didn't seem to bother him that the blood test would take place tomorrow instead of yesterday.
Today I'm CD25 but 7DPO.
Friday on the way to Mildura I got my blood test results for 3 DPO:
- e2 = 800
- p4 = 17
A good sign that I ovulated...yay!
I had another Trigger shot on Friday...hehehehe had to carry the ampules, syringe, needles and medical swab with us and luckily we had an esky (cooler) to keep the ampules at the right temperature.
I was asked to have a another e2 and p4 on Monday but because I was out of Melbourne I asked to move it to Wednesday. Dr New secretary was astonished that I was not in Melbourne and not willing to cut my trip short just to come back for a blood test. Well that it not really true, Tim and I were willing to change our plans but we have always been advised not to change our life style to fit in with TTC.
But after more phone calls to Dr New it didn't seem to bother him that the blood test would take place tomorrow instead of yesterday.
Today I'm CD25 but 7DPO.
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