This morning

I woke up as I normally do and went to the bathroom, being the paranoid expecting mother that I am I still check for any spotting. Well this morning there was a 5 cent size bright red spot on the toilet paper. So I wiped and checked, wiped and checked (rinse and repeated) until there was no sign left. I think that I may have used the whole toilet roll checking this morning.

Since then I’ve been like a lunatic drink water, or just going to the toilet just to check. There has been NO other spotting or NO cramping. I’ve done absolutely nothing this morning. I did get up and dressed and moved myself onto the couch.

Tim and I are scared shitless, and we have had the same discussion over and over, should I go to the hospital? If I went to the hospital would they do a beta hCG test and would we get the results today? Should I go to my gp?

The occasionally one of us says out loud “I don’t want to loose our Bobim”. I’m trying not to stress, but how the fuck can’t I?

I recently bought a great book as recommended by Bugsy “What to expect when expecting” and it says that unless I have cramping and bleeding then I should just go to the hospital.

If you could just please spare a thought for us and pray that this little bit of blood this morning does not mean the end of our Bobim I would greatly appreciate it!

Bobim

I know that our Bobim is with us, the blood tests and multiple hpt’s have also confirmed it, for some reason part of me doesn’t really believe it. I keep questioning myself, AM I REALLY PREGNANT?

It all just doesn’t feel real and I wonder if this is normal?

Or am I trying to protect myself?

I’m still scared that I will loose Bobim, but that hasn’t stopped us from telling people. Tim and I discussed this at length, over many hours, days even and we both wanted people in our life to acknowledge the fact that Bobim is here with us and if for some reason something does happen, or Bobim will know that it was Loved, Cherished and wanted.

I also feel so out of my depth, Infertility I felt that I was well schooled on the subject. Trying to conceive using assisted reproductive technology was my life, month to month.

But this pregnant business is totally new to me (obviously); I’m reading “Up the Duff”. I was stupid enough to tell Tim the other day that Bobim is the size of a coffee bean. This is how Tim refers to our Baby….Coffee bean!

I’ve resorted to ringing my mother for odd things and asking her, is it normal to feel like you need to pee but nothing comes out?

Is it normal to be this FUCKING forgetful, as I can’t even remember the names of things?

Is it normal for my calf muscles to feel like they are on fire?

I feel as though I almost need to have a crash course on pregnancy which is funny as I’ve been striving to get this far and when I’m here, I’m loosing it and feel totally lost.

Christmas

All I can say is that I’m glad that it is over. I did not have the Christmas spirit this year, even though I found out that Bobim is with us. I just couldn’t get into it.

I didn’t put a Christmas tree up, didn’t send any Christmas cards and when someone said Merry Christmas, I mumbled a half arsed, half heard response.
I can’t blame one thing of my bah-humbug feelings, it just didn’t feel right to celebrate it.

Last week I didn’t work and I had Ellie stay with me, oh the shopping we did…OMG I will never, ever leave Christmas shopping to the last minute again AND I will set a budget and NOT give anyone a choice about what they are going to receive.

If all goes well them nearly everyone will be received a gift of a photo of Bobim.

Tim and I did spend the last two days with our families and it was lovely, nice and low key which was perfect. Almost falling asleep in the afternoon's was quite amusing. I do feel bad for leaving early yesterday but just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I had to drive. I hope that Anyu and Apu understands....

See the ticker?

OK I think that it was high time that I add my ticker to this blog.

Was very nervous about doing this! Shit scared really, but there is nothing I can do to change what ever will happen in the future and I have to live for NOW, and right now I am Pregnant!

Second Beta

I’ve been stressing since 2pm as I called Dr New’s office for my results and was kept waiting. I ended up calling about 3 times looking for my results. Anyway here they are:
- e2 = 1663
- p4 = 46.8
- beta hCG = 1230

I’m a little worried about the p4 level, should I be?

Needing some reassurance…

Meeting with Dr New

It was a very positive meeting with Dr New this morning. Ellie was with me, he was very happy with the out come and has referred me to an OB that ‘looks after his pregnancies’.

Dr New sits there and says to me “It is still early days and you shouldn’t really make this public”.

I sat there stunned here I am in the room with Ellie and it is obvious that she knows, and my mother knows. I just nodded my head and said “ok”. He then went on to tell me that I have an 80% chance of this pregnancy continuing, which I have to say I like those odds.

I’m having another e2, p4 and beta hcg blood test on Wednesday to check that they are rising nicely and, AND I have been booked in for an ultrasound on the 6th of Jan.

With the blood test result if all looks good I was then told that the chances would be up around the 90% mark. NICE ONE eh?

OMG

I can't really talk (or type) as I'm shaking:
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.

I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.

I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.

Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.

Saga of peeing on sticks

Nothing in life is ever simple, but at least now I know which brands give me the right result. I have done a number of HPT’s over week or so but I get mixed messages, for instance:
- Sunday morning it was a negative*
- Monday morning it was a positive (faint)#
- Tuesday morning it was a negative*
- Last night I did two using two different brands, both positive (faint)#^
- This morning it was a positive (faint)#

* Clearblue
# Crystal Clear
^ Discovery

With the inconsistencies of these HPT’s Tim and I agreed to hold our excitement until we received the blood test results, which will be this afternoon. Joking I said to Tim on Tuesday that I think even 9 months pregnant the Clearblue tests would still be negative. However all the second lines have been very faint; they have never been as strong as the control line.

I didn’t blog about them for some reason, perhaps there is still something deep inside me holding me back from admitting that maybe I could just be…. you know…. Perhaps it is my way of protecting my heart.

Sigh….I will know this afternoon at any rate….and I will update as soon as possible.

CD36 16DPO

I got my results this afternoon:
e2 = 884
p4 = 48.6

Next blood test is on Thursday e2, p4 and beta hcg I begged Dr New to have the results Thursday afternoon and not make me wait until Friday.

The message was "Dr New is very optomistic".... holy shit, holy shit was going through my head

I was worried that my p4 levels had dropped, but was told it wasn't a problem.

When I woke this morning Tim rolled over to look at me and instead of saying good morning or something sweet...all I said was "My boobs still hurt", Tim just grunts and goes back to sleep. That is what our marriage is based on these days, spotting updates anytime of the day, pains, cramps and whether or not my boobs still hurt.

Manuela - that bat I'm using to beat the bitch back is not working too much anymore.. help

CD 35 15DPO

Not much to report, no sign of my period. My ovaries are still sore on both sides but it is not constant. My boobs are still sore. I had my blood test this morning but won't be getting the result until tomorrow...which is shit.

Hope has been visiting again, just last I caught her making plans of how I would decorate 'the' room, she wouldn't leave me alone so I got out of bed and washed my face doing the whole, cleanser, toner and moisturiser... I never really do this as I don't look after myself at all. But it did the trick, she was fought away as my mind was otherwise occupied.

I've taken to wearing a pad just to check for any spotting.

Give me strength to get through the rest of the day and tomorrow.

Thank you all for your comments, it is what is keeping me from going crazy.

CD 32 12 DPO

I’m drinking so much fucking water as an excuse to go to the toilet to check for potential spotting and after one of those episodes I had missed the call from Dr New’s office. So I called back:

“Hello Reena speaking”

“Hi Reena it’s Mari here”

“Oh hello, did you get our missed call on your mobile?”

“Um, yes"….fuck just tell me woman…give it to me straight

“I’m sorry but your p4 levels have dropped and you can expect your period”….those were the words I was expecting NOT: “Your results are in and no more injections and another e2 and p4 on Monday and call us Tuesday”

“OH, ok can you please tell me my levels?”

“Yes e2 = 788 and p4 = 54”

“Ok thanks” sitting in the meeting room going pale….FUCK, don’t know what to make of this….

This weekend will be a very long one for me, not only work wise but FUCK I don’t know if I will be able to hold out until Tuesday for the results and NOT to a HPT…

There is no way that I could be…is there? You know what...don't answer that questions as I don't want hope here at all...

Some lighthearted entertainment during 2WW.

Today I thought I would let you in on one of my weird practices when I’m cycling, this was not my idea (I got it from EB years ago) but I adopted this philosophy like my Cycle Religion and it relates to my underwear (undies) practices.

The start of a ‘normal’ cycles means are normally bleeding so I wear the old comfortable undies mainly in dark colours. During the most fertile times, you are closer to Ovulation I continue to wear dark undies to help keep track of (for me the elusive) EWCM.

Then during the 2WW I switch to wearing light coloured undies, so that I can scrutinise any smudges, checking for any spotting, be it dark, red or pinkish.

This is one of the quirky things I that do when cycling, and I would like to know if anyone else does similar things?

CD 31 11DPO

There is an oval shaped counter, the walls are apricot / peach in colour, on the wall behind the desk is a giant egg with a single sperm attacking it and the words “Monash IVF” just under the egg, soft Christmas music playing in the back ground, the lady behind the counter is busy shuffling paper, whilst marking of peoples names. Five women are patiently waiting for their names to be called for their blood test. All nervous and all sneakily look around at each other, perhaps wondering what each other women is doing, the flicking of magazine pages. In come more people to get their names marked off.

“Kathleen” says the blood drive nurse; I look up from my book, three more to go before me, quietly sighing as I get back to my book. ‘So you come before me, little woman, little man. Come to invoke the ancient laws and beg a boon of Jack in-the-Green’…”Monica”, two more. ‘Kerra kept her eyes on the patchwork carpet of leaves spreading at her feet. It did not do to look too long into the eyes of such as stood before her now.’

“Tracy” I put my book away and start looking around the waiting room that I have visited many times during the past 2 years, looking at the Christmas decorations and the presents under the tree when all of a sudden this thought pop’s into my head: ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if this Christmas I could tell my family that I was pregnant’, I sit there and fantasize how it would be, Anyu and Apu crying and MIL and FIL smiling happy, Ellie and Tina jumping up, a flood of questions bombard me.

Then I hear “Maria” and it all comes crashing down…where the fuck did that thought come from….STAY away from me, I don’t want those thought is my head….they hurt too fucking much. How dare you….as Manuela mentioned in one of her recent posts…HOPE is not welcome here.

CD29 9DPO update

Results are:
e2 = 585
p4 = 34.4

I'm to have another booster shot tonight, never had two boosters in a cycle...wonder what this means??

Next Blood test is on Thursday and results on Friday.

CD29 9DPO

My blood test results on Friday were ok (I think):
e2 = 484
p4 = 13.4

I had a booster shot on Friday and another e2, p4 blood test yesterday. I’m just now waiting for the results, I have also made an appointment to see Dr New after this cycle. Yes I’ve already assumed that I’m not pregnant, I think that it is easier to convince myself that there is no FUCKING way that I could be pregnant, than live with the possibility that I might just be.

My mind is in denial….NO I won’t go there I can’t, tis just too hard. Shit I don’t know why I’m even planning on testing on Thursday (I will be 11DPO on Thursday).

The other day I was happily having breakfast when suddenly I had the shock of my life as I realised that I had not taken my folate for the whole FUCKING cycle….as you can imagine I totally freaked out and thought of just popping as many pills as I could fit into my mouth all at once.

In the next breath I just shrugged it off mentally and told myself “This cycle wasn’t going to work anyway”. Mind you I still have not taken any folate….never remember to do it and the bottom of pills is right in front of me.

Then…oh this gets better…we have a new shopping centre that just recently opened up down the street from us and Tim and I decided to try some new take out…and of course we buy Fish ‘n Chips…YES Fish ‘n Chips in the 2WW. The thought had not even crossed my mind, I was happily drinking in the fried smell on the way home, and whilst opening the packets of butcher paper I again got another shock, this time I’m screaming like a banshee to Tim “Oh Fuck I’m not meant to eat fish…fuck”.

But I did, I mean it was food and I’m not about to waste food. But again my thought was “Hhhmhp I’m not pregnant so what does it matter”.

These are just a few examples of the less than cautious attitude that I have this 2WW, I’m usually very good, I eat and do the right things but this time, it has felt as though I’m going through the motions, my heart is just not in it.

I’ve had and done the following in the 2WW which I’ve been told I should not do:
- Mind boggling, screaming orgasm (hehehe loved that one)
- Drank Coffee
- Had a couple glasses of wine
- Fish ‘n Chips
- Not taken folate
- Lifted heavy shopping bags
- Cleaned the house
- Changed the kitty litter.

There’s no way that I could be pregnant…..is there?

Ponderings

Thank you all for your comments! Yes Tim and I have been enjoying the last few days. When we started OI and we knew that we would be told when to ‘do it’ we made a pact to try to make the ‘doing it’ as special as possible and not just… you know… quick and mechanical.

I had my blood test this morning for e2 and p4 and I will get my results tomorrow. On the walk down to the train station I was struck by how happy I was, or more to the point how comfortable I was at this clinic.

The lady that does the bloods on Mondays and Thursdays is fantastic, she always greets me with a smile and knows my name and makes me feel really comfortable and we always have a quick joke or some type of chit chat. She is not a fertility nurse but always asks me in a caring manner how my cycle is going. But to me it is almost like a slap in the face as I would not have known this lady if I did have fertility issues, I would not be seeing her on a regular basis if I wasn’t going through this crap. So how can my feeling of being comfortable and happy to see her be right?

This was going on in my mind as I’m walking along, I don’t just ponder this question…oh no, I then jump onto the other great relationships that I’ve also formed along the way. P my first nurse, I still talk to her if there is a problem with me trying to book a b/t. Other nurses whom I sometimes see at water aerobics. Dr News staff who call me and we joke around and are fantastic when things get a bit muddled.

I’ve often seen how others treat the same people that I deal with, they come in don’t really speak and sit down and it is almost like they remove themselves emotionally from these people they have contact with, I’ve even seen Men and women being quite rude to some to the nurses almost as though the blame is being on them.

I understand why some are like this, they don’t want to make this process memorable and honestly it is not a dream but a fucking nightmare. But I can’t blame the lady who takes my blood test for my failing body… I can’t even really blame myself, my body is just fucked but I’m dealing with it. I don’t see any reason to treat any of these ladies with out respect and if we joke about and gain a little insight into each others lives…then is it really wrong?

As you can see I really don’t have anything else important on my hands than worry about how the lady that takes my blood is feeling and questioning my feelings toward the whole process.

CD19

Another 2 nights of stims 150 and 112.5 and then Trigger shot on Sunday, we have been told to have sex Sunday and Monday and then another blood test on Thursday, this time e2 and p4.

CD18

Just arrived to work from the scan and not really the good news that I was hoping my follies are not growing as expected, but then again how often does my body work as expected???
The results are:
RO = 11mm
LO = 14mm

Now waiting on further instructions.

Even though I mentioned that I didn't think that there was any chance of this cycle working, my fingers are crossed I'm holding my breath (not literally), and I'm nervous yet excited. I want this cycle to happen cause I don't want the surgery, I'm terrified of it and the implications.

I have also decided that after we implement this phase of the project I'm going to start looking for another job. They are already talking about the next phase of implementation and is going to be either the same of worse than it is now and I'm not coping. I'm snapping, exhausted, Tim and I haven't really spoken to each other nor spent time together and it is just too much....too much...I'm only one person and it is just too much for me to handle. But handling it I am right now...but not for too much longer....

CD17

I'm to continue stims until tomorrow where another follicle ultrasound will be taking place...grow follies grow...

Will update tomorrow with the results. Fingers crossed.

CD15

Let me start by saying that there is a bugger of a chance that this cycle will work, my mind is not on TTC, the demands of my time for my job is ridiculous and I doubt that it will let up at all...the thought of having sex is the last thing on my mind...Every day it feels as though I’m going to a boxing ring, the political games that are occurring astound me…but I digress.

Late yesterday afternoon I got the call that Dr New wanted me to have a follicle scan today….so off I went, the results are not too good but then again I was shocked that he wanted a scan this early in the cycle:
RO = 13f largest being 8mm
LO = 17f largest being 9mm


My guess is that I will be doing a few more days of FSH then trigger this week sometime…I will wait and see.

Cycle update

After a slow start I'm now on 150iu of FSH, I had an e2 blood test on Thursday all looks good and I'm to have another on Monday.

shhhh don't tell anyone but I'm not taking metformin this cycle....for some reason I wanted to try this cycle without....shhhhh mini experiment.

To Bugsy - wishin you a very Happy Birthday today, may this next year bring you the joy you deserve.

The reason for the lack of posting....work fucken sucks right now....

Sorry

To my darling husband over the last few weeks we have discussed our dreams and hopes for the future and our growing desire for a baby. I know how much you want this cycle to work and I’m so very sorry that I have let you down up till now. January will mark the start of our 4th year of trying and I know that is sucks, I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that my body has let us down month after month, I’m sorry that I have lost our babies and I’m sorry that you somehow feel responsible or helpless.

To Anyu (mum) I’m sorry that I was harsh with you the other weekend when we were discussing falling pregnant and I said “What happens if I never conceive a child….you have to prepare yourself for that outcome….like I have”. You didn’t like those words and I can understand why, but it is a possibility.

I’m sorry that I have not been able to conceive and hold onto your grandchild. Hearing about others pregnancies does not help and telling me that Apu (dad) may die any day also doesn’t help, asking me cryptically “How is everything…are you healthy..(bad translation)”, also doesn’t help. But I am sorry I never would’ve thought that I will be this age without a baby and it hurts…

To Ellie when you were born I was 14 and I wanted the same age difference for my child and you, but you are 15 now and I’m sorry that your role as God mother has been put on hold every single month. Worst is that I’m sorry that I have had to rely on your teenage shoulders on grown up issues. I’m sorry.

CD03

I'm sorry that I haven't updated, work has been shit.

But I got my period late Tuesday afternoon and I called Dr New yesterday to start the new OI cycle. So now I'm waiting for them to call back so that I can have the baseline blood test.

I am ok with having my period, yes it means another failed cycle and that I'm not pregnant. BUT it means that I have my period...after quickly checking back this year I've only had my period 5 times....yes that's right 5 times, 4 out of the 5 times was due to either having to take drugs to bring on a bleed or due to injections. I've only had 1 period that my body produced all by itself, which took four months coming.

With the glass half full attitude....I would rather have my period arrive than sit here for months on end waiting for it to show by itself. I'm not fooling myself into believing that a failed cycle means nothing...it is hard, and sucks and I do want my bobim soo fucking much. But part of me is glad to be sitting here suffering cramps....because it means that I can start again soon.....not having to wait months on end....

Results

e2 = 298
p4 = 8.0

Now waiting for my period....wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can start again.

Please explain!?!?!?

*****TMI WARNING****

Spotting was really nothing, a couple of little spots on a pad, sent me crazy.. Thanks to Bugsy who has kept me sane over the last day or so.

I only have some light brown, slightly pinkish smudges...when I wipe....and no cramping.

This is so unlike me...

I will get my blood test results this afternoon...

Is this the End??

I've started spotting....tomorrow maybe CD01, I'm still going for the e2, p4 blood test though.

I just knew it...

fuck....

"another one bites the dust......"

Planning ahead

In my mind I’m already planning ahead, I’ve automatically assumed that I’m not pregnant and I’ve already worked out that I can get one more cycle in before Christmas…and guess what?? I’ve already assumed that the next cycle will fail as well.

I want to call Dr New and arrange an appointment just before Christmas, the last time I saw him (at the start of this cycle) he mentioned that we would do 3 OI cycles together and then I would be off to have surgery….to have my stomach stapled…which has now got me convinced that I can’t fall pregnant without this drastic surgery….What is with that?

I’ve also already packed my prescriptions to drop off at the chemist on the way home from work today, so that they can order my goodies for the next cycle…which again I assume is going to fail.

I haven’t got my period, I haven’t done a HPT…I actually don’t have any in the house and have made no plans to buy one…my p4 levels are nice and high and yet here I am expecting to call Dr New’s office on Monday saying that I got my period over the weekend…is my mind bringing my period on..all by itself? You know the whole mind over matter shit…..am I unconsciously making myself not fall pregnant?

Maybe it is time to see J (the kinesiologist) again and see what deep dark feelings I’m hiding from myself as I obviously have no fear anymore that it won’t work…as during the night I have convinced myself that it hasn’t worked….maybe that is my new fear that it will work….but how can that be…I want a baby…don’t I?

Look at this...LOOK!!!

CD27 and 9DPO

I got my results earlier for my blood test yesterday:

e2 = 2187
p4 = 103

Can you believe it 103!!!! It has never been this high before...don't know if it is good sign or not and I know it does mean that I'm....you know...but last cycle my p4 was 70.7 at 9DPO and this cycle it is 103 at 8DPO!!! AND it also means that my p4 level jumped from 17 last Friday to 103 yesterday...

All that keeps on going through my mind is 103, 103, 103...WOW I can't believe it.

Next e2 and p4 is on Monday.

Back and cycle update

We arrived back from our trip late yesterday afternoon, we had such a lovely time just the two of us. A good way to switch off and just enjoy our own company.

Friday on the way to Mildura I got my blood test results for 3 DPO:
- e2 = 800
- p4 = 17

A good sign that I ovulated...yay!

I had another Trigger shot on Friday...hehehehe had to carry the ampules, syringe, needles and medical swab with us and luckily we had an esky (cooler) to keep the ampules at the right temperature.

I was asked to have a another e2 and p4 on Monday but because I was out of Melbourne I asked to move it to Wednesday. Dr New secretary was astonished that I was not in Melbourne and not willing to cut my trip short just to come back for a blood test. Well that it not really true, Tim and I were willing to change our plans but we have always been advised not to change our life style to fit in with TTC.

But after more phone calls to Dr New it didn't seem to bother him that the blood test would take place tomorrow instead of yesterday.

Today I'm CD25 but 7DPO.

Last night

On top of all the texting that was going on, Tim reminded me about the trigger shot at 7:15pm. So I jump up to mix the powder and solvent, when I search the fridge to discover that I don’t have Pregnyl 5000iu. I have plenty gonal-f left and Pregnyl 1500iu but no 5000iu.

Flash backs to a previous month where we had to drive 35km to pick up another one….but before that I called my pharmacy just to check if they had any in stock. There is a particular lady that really looks after me and orders in a few extra meds for me.

I was in luck as they had one set of Ampoules left, I’m usually so very organised when my period arrives I’m off to the pharmacy I went and all was good.

Trigger last night and we manage to complete our task…ok…we did it and it was fantastic….

Bugsy - Yes this cycle is earlier than the last cycle trigger was on CD26, this cycle trigger is on CD18 and today I'm on CD19.

e2 and p4 on Friday.

Next Steps

Trigger shot tonight and then we are to have sex tonight, tommorrow.

On Friday I have an e2 and p4 blood test.

Cycle update

I had a follicle scan this morning here are my results:
CX = 39
CV = 43
9MM lining

Right Ovary = 21 follicles largest being 16 then 11 then 8-3

Left Ovary = 12 follicles largest being 14 then 13.

Weekend and cycle update

Yesterday was the Annual Melbourne 4x4 Camping and Fishing show, Tim and I attend every year, there is always something to and interesting to see. This year however we took along Tim’s parents, the don’t get to the city much.

The show and day were really good, had so much fun climbing in and out of out 4WD camper trailers, there were so many more this year than there were in the past. We always end up buying something and this year we bought map software to take with us when we go camping. We are also thinking about joining a 4WD club again. Now that G and Zs are no longer in our lives, it is not really safe to go into the bush on your own.

Next weekend is a long weekend in Melbourne if you take the Monday 31st Oct off. Tim and I are using this weekend to get away from Melbourne, work, family and friends for a mini break and we are off to the north west of Victoria to Mildura and then onto Echuca. I’m looking forward to taking our new Pathfinder and going to places I’ve never been.

On the cycle front things are looking good moving along faster this time around, mostly because I started on 150iu of FSH. Tomorrow morning I’m going in for a follicle ultrasound. So I will update with the results tomorrow.

I haven’t been asking for my hormone levels, part of me just didn’t want to know. Last cycle I had to know everything but this time around, I’m like…meh…you want me to have another e2….ok. Do I feel any better not knowing? Not sure, work just occupies my mind so much lately that I haven’t really had time to think about it. If you know what I mean.

Quickly

I'm a still here live and kicking, just frantically busy at work. Stupid work, my period arrived on Saturday and about to start the whole process again.

I have a number of posts in mind but are waiting to be written, this cycle I want to concentrate more on the other parts of my life and not just the cycle.

Thank you all so much for your comments...it is the most amount of comments I've ever received!!

Waiting for CD1

I've just been told that my period should be starting soon as my levels dropped:
e2 = 312
p4 = 7.5

Not much else to say...*SIGH*

CD36, 10DPO

e2 = 996
p4 = 70.7

Still waiting for instructions.

Updated to say another e2 and p4 on Thursday.

Slowly going insane (CD35, 9DPO)

I spent most of the weekend plastered in front of the TV, watching the Enterprise Episodes that we bought…geekiness showing through I know. This is the one thing that keeps me relatively sane during the waiting game, by escaping reality and watching TV I don’t have to ‘deal’ with the waiting.

But it is a totally different story here at work, I either through myself into the tasks assigned to me so I drown out all the distractions or I spend time analysis my previous charts and frantically googling.

Today I’m frantic and I’m not handling it at all. I’ve already called Dr New’s office once to find out if they have my results and I’m trying not to call again today, as I will find out tomorrow….oh FUCK IT I will call.

I did and nothing yet…

CD32, 6DPO

Dr New called yesterday with my results and they are looking pretty good:
e2 = 593
p4 = 44.3

I had a Pregnyl booster injection last night (1500iu) then was told to have sex last night, tonight and Saturday. Not sure why but am following Dr New's orders. I'm very happy with those numbers and looking back over my previous stimmed cycles my p4 levels around the same time has never been above 32...I wonder if this is a good sign?

I have another e2 and p4 blood test on Monday.

CD30 but 4DPO

I’m not exactly sure if I’m in the 2WW as it never really turns out to be 3 weeks waiting. It all depends on whether or not I have a booster Pregnyl injection. I don’t like Pregnyl, I have all the pregnancy symptoms without the actual pregnancy.

My bruise has gone just in time for another blood test tomorrow, where I don’t find out the results until Friday…sigh!

We only managed to ‘do it’ twice on Saturday just before ovulation. Didn’t manage it on Sunday nor Monday, but that’s a whole different story. I know that I did ovulate early Sunday morning due to the pain in my left ovary. Fingers are crossed that there were still enough ‘guys’ present to fertilise. But who knows, it is just a matter of waiting, which I have no patiences for.

CD25

Things are sure moving along really quickly now. I’ve taken a photo of my arm as the bruise is hideous, it has never been this bad...sigh....the things we infertile do and put up with!

I came out of a 1.5 hr meeting to find 3 missed calls on my mobile from Dr New’s office. Dr New wanted me to go for an internal ultrasound today, at the time it was 12:30pm. As she (Dr New’s secretary) was telling me this I was sitting at my desk opening and closing my mouth like a fish…..how the hell was I going to get to Clayton for a scan, today. But she had booked me into Epworth hospital in Richmond, which also has IVF offices.

All I'm going to say about getting there is FUCKING FOOTY FUCKING TRAFFIC. Walking 5 blocks in heals to get a Tram.

But it was worth the walk as here are the scan results:

Uterus lining good (can’t remember the number)

1 smallish endo cyst...never seen that before

Right Ovary = 14mm dominant follicle with 10 4-8 mm follicles

Left Ovary = had two 15mm dominant follicles with 15 4-7 mm follicles (WOW)

Oh and e2 = 595 (from yesterdays blood test)

On the tram back to work I was stressing that they would cancel the cycle with so many dominant follicles and they were / are smallish. I’ve heard that 18-22 is the ideal size and that they grow 2mm every day.

But the cycle is going a head, I’m to have one more 150ui Gonal-f tonight then 5000ui Pregnyl tomorrow, then intercourse Saturday, Sunday and Monday with an e2 and p4 blood test next Thursday.

CD22

e2 up to 395, GREAT NEWS!!!
I'm to continue with 150ui of gonal-f until and including Thursday where I will have another e2 in the morning to find out the results on Friday.
I'm so glad that my levels went up and a nice big jump to, I did tell Dr New that I only respond well to Gonal-f if the dosage is higher than 112.5. As I had tried, 37.5, 75 and 112.5. 150 was the right number of me each time. Oh well, I suppose he had to learn the hard way...but do you think that I have the right to say to him "I told you so?"

All sorts

Mimi
I tried to keep a level of animosity with this blog, but it really hasn’t worked. I didn’t use my nickname for a while, but then started to. I still refer to my husband as Mimi, which is can come across as strange to others. But that is my nickname for him, and I think that it is about time that I introduced his real name and an explanation for Mimi.

We are of a Hungarian decent and speak it often at home Mimi’s real name if Tibor a typical Hungarian name. But he hates it, when he was growing up no-one could pronounce it so he changed it to Tim, that’s what everyone calls him. Expect for the old’s and when Ellie and Tina were young they could say Tibi (which is the nickname to Tibor) they said Bibi and then I got Mimi. From now on I shall refer to my husband as Tim.

Coping
For some reason I’m not really coping at all today, all I really want to do is just dive into my bed and just escape the world for the day. Escape into one of my romance books that I can’t seem to get enough of, or into one of the many teenage movies I own. But I can’t it is Tim’s birthday tomorrow and we are expecting a series of visitors all afternoon.

Up until today I thought that I was coping ok with this cycle but when I woke up this morning I was just all depressed and filled with THE question of ‘WHEN”. I hate feeling like this and no amount of wishing will help me get to my destination.

I had tried to let go of my fear (here) but I worry that it has crept back in, and if I’m really honest I am scared shitless right now. I’m not really scared about not ever having a child as Tim and I have a plan. I’m scared about this cycle..of falling pregnant again and having another miscarriage, of tomorrow or whenever I find out that my e2 levels have dropped again. Of not seeing a nice big juicy mother of a follicle when I have a scan. Of giving Dr New unconditional blind faith that he has my best interests at heart as he is monitoring my cycle himself.

People say to stay positive but I’ve never been a positive person ever…it is too hard to be positive..but I agree with these people on the outside and say stupid things like “I know that this will happen for me”. But internally I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not give into all my fears. Is it normal to be this scared? I haven’t even ovulated yet and I’m scared that I’m going to loose another Bobim. Are other infertiles this shit scared also, or is it just me? How can you stay positive?

What makes it so right in this world that infertiles know what e2, p4 hCG beta levels, FSH, LH , EWCM all these acronyms stand for and what your respective numbers means?

One of my favourite sayings is “Ignorance is bliss” and honestly I would rather be ignorant of all those words and meanings than have to go through this shit. How is it right that I have to get instructions of when to ‘do it’ with my husband, the whole aspect of making love to reproduce is not even involved in the equation. Or that my stomach is riddle with little bruise from when I have to inject myself? (A whole separate post on that one to follow)

Not so bad

Just got the call my cycle has not been cancelled. I'm to continue with the gonal-f 150ui (is that right?) until and including Monday. Another Blood test on Monday and more instructions on Tuesday.

Is this the worlds longest OI cycle?

OH FUCK

I don't know what this means but my e2 levels have dropped, what I do know is that this is NOT a fucking good sign...
1st e2 = 114
2nd e2 = 199
3rd e2 = 235
4th e2 = 221

waiting for a call back with instructions.... please don't cancel the cycle, please don't cancel....

shit, slowly going insane....oh god

CD16

Just a quick update as I'm at work, e2 level rose to 235 on Monday. Dr New called yesterday with further instructions, increase dosage to 150ui until and including Thursday. Another e2 Thursday morning and further instructions on Friday.

I just want to have the internal u/s, I have a great sense of accomplishment when I see my nice big follicles present on the screen. I just hope that they are growing nicely and because we are taking it slow the egg quality will be better.

End_Result - thanks for your comment about going slowly, it really helped. I'm just so used to an OI cycle going by so quickly. But now I think that maybe that was my problem in the first place and could be a reason for all the Chemical pregnancies (to be read as miscarriages)

CD12

I had another e2 blood test on Thursday and my levels rose to 199, I’m to continue with the gonal-f until and including Monday, another e2 blood test Monday morning.

I’m trying not to analyse the results but to be honest it is hard not to, when comparing the other OI cycles my e2 levels are really low. But I trust that Dr new knows what he is doing, it feels good getting my instructions from his directly rather than through a nurse. I also wonder if the Metformin is affecting my e2 levels, see there I go again comparing, wondering, stressing about something that I’m not even educated in.

Food for thought

My morning ritual is to scan my favourite blogs to see if there are any new posts and then proceed to devour what has been written. I’m a bad lurker I rarely comment mostly because of my ill-conceived low self esteem issues. Basically I feel like I really don’t have anything important to say.

Whilst I started this blog sometime ago, I have been a phantom in the blog world for almost 2 years. It started with a post on EB where someone had linked to Terita’s blog. After reading the relevant post I was hooked, I mean who couldn’t be!

To my dismay or Terita’s I then proceed to copy every single post of hers to a word document so that I could print it out to read on the train and I mean every single post. At the time I was very early into my infertility issues and the one thing that has stuck with me was the same sense of drive, which is that I will not let fate dictate whether or not I will have a child. I will stand my ground shaking my fist at fate “You will not get the best of me; I’m not through with this fight yet!”

So this morning like every morning I read all my blogs, where I came across this post:

Some people get driven to their destinations in a limo; some people have to drive themselves. Others need to take a cab, some are forced to take trains or hitch hike. And some of us had to walk barefoot, along a long and lonely road, in the blistering sun watching everyone else whizzing past with relative ease. You could say “does it matter how you get there, what matters is that you have arrived?” To me, it does matter. Yes I have arrived at the same place as everyone else, but I cannot forget how I got there. See the scares on my feet? They tell a tale of my journey here. I can’t pretend that they do not exist; they are a part of who I am.

I may not be there yet and it may take me awhile to get to my destination but these words have haunted me most of the day, and with Terita’s permission I have posted them here and I think that I might even add some of the words to my profile. I could not have said it any better.

Can anyone pass me a band-aid, my feet a sore?

CD7

Quick cycle update, my e2 (oestrogen) level was 114, this time in my last OI cycle it was 218. I don’t know what my baseline e2 was, but I guess that I have not jumped up as much as I should’ve. But I’m not stressing actually I’m feeling quite calm about this cycle. Dr New said his secret to success was slow going wins the race.

I’m happy to take things slowly, part of me doesn’t really feel like I’m cycling we do the injections at night but I haven’t really given it much thought at all. A totally different experience this time around.

Orders are to continue injecting 112.5ui of Gonal-f Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, another e2 blood test on Thursday morning but to call Dr New Friday for more instructions.

CD6

Not too much to report on the cycle front, my period is almost gone which is a good thing. I’m still doing ok on metformin, only have the occasional side affect now and then but nothing to complain about.

One more gonal-f injection tonight of 112.5 and then another blood test tomorrow morning. I will call Dr News office tomorrow afternoon for further instructions.

Diet Day 7

On Friday I checked the scales and in the 4 days since I started eating better I had lost a kilo. I give all the credit to water; I’ve been trying to drink at least 3 litters of water a day. Everywhere I go my bottle of water goes with me, it does mean an increase amount of time on the toilet but if I loose a kilo in 4 days what should I be complaining about?

I have not had to hold Mimi’s feet yet (yippee) which I am most grateful for. Friday night Mimi suggested that we have take away so that I didn’t have to cook (last week I choose to have take away on Thursday) which would’ve meant that we would’ve had take away 2 nights in a row.

Something in my snapped and I got up off my arse and cooked dinner, which I am most proud of. I’m hoping that week 2 will be just a good, this morning I woke early deliberately to organise the menu for the next week and organise the shopping list.

So far so good!

Amazed

Friday was my last official day off from work, as of Monday I will be back at work full time. Mimi also wasn’t working so we took the opportunity in going to our local shopping centre and do a bit of retail therapy or try to anyway.

Apparently we live in one of the fastest grown areas, there are new house popping up every week. Since we have been living here (8 years now) the area has really changed, it is the ideal location for young families. Even though it is 45km out of the city it is still very popular.

Mimi had to get his license renewed and while I was sitting there waiting for him I was amazed at how many pregnant women, women with baby strollers there were. I was thinking about how brave infertiles are that they able to leave the house. The heart ache that some women must go through walking in these types of shopping centers. I remember back to after my first m/c how hard it was just to walk from shop to shop and how I had a small(ish) panic attack.

I have resigned myself to the fact that finally holding our bobim may not be an easy thing for us to achieve and it may still be a long journey ahead for us. For me it was not that hard to see all those ladies with children or the much desired baby bump. But having said that I am yet to step a foot out side my house since Friday. Could be an unconscious thing?

Diet Day 2 (more importantly CD01)

I have not yet needed to hold Mimi’s feet as I’ve been pretty good the last day and a half. Bugsy has been a great help in keeping tabs on me and we are encouraging each other through out the day.

More importantly my period has finally arrived, so today is officially CD01. After a 108 (approx) day cycle, it is a relief to feel like a woman again, a woman that has period pains.

Baseline e2 (oestrogen) blood test tomorrow no base line u/s required, Thursday I’m to start Gonal-f again my starting dose = 112.5. So stimming is for Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, then another Blood test on Monday.

The roller coaster cart has started climbing the hill, the start of the journey has begun. Am secretly shitting myself…but shhh, don’t tell anyone!

All ready

I’ve got all my drugs ready, picked up the extra Gonal-f pen and Pregnyl 5000 yesterday afternoon. The chemist has also ordered extra for me so that if I need extra mid cycle or the ‘incident’ happens then we will know that our local pharmacy has them in stock. Couldn’t ask for better customer service than what I’m getting there.

So I’m ready for the next OI cycle, I’m optimistic have all the good vibes staying positive yet not overly confident. All I need now is for my period to start.

I will call Dr New on Tuesday to give him an update on the Metformin situation, the not so nice side affect is here but I’m able to handle it. I don’t care if I suffer from it during the day, I just don’t want to be on the toilet at night.

I want to know if I should start taking Primolut (similar to Provera) to bring on a bleed. I’m eager to get started, when I’m cycling with OI it really feels like we have a better chance of successfully achieving our dreams. It seems without drugs my body cannot be relied upon.

All sorts

Hoping that this post will finally work now:

Work:

Went back to work this week after my holidays, it was good to get back and see everyone and I was looking forward to the next phase of my project starting. Which I think highlighted the fact that I do enjoy my job even though I don’t like the money. I have decided to see the rest of this project through to the end and then look for another job (if I’m not pregnant by then), this time I will be looking for contract work $$$$.

I’ve also decided to go back full time in September, it is time for me to stop being selfish, the whole reason why I went part-time was to relax and try to loose weight. I’ve sure relaxed, actually I’ve developed a sloth complex but as for the weight, who am I kidding? In all this time I’ve not lost anything, well the weight comes and goes it is up and down.

Mimi has still not been able to find a full time job or steady casual work. I feel really sorry for him as it sometimes seems as though recruitment and would be employer companies are dicking him around. There will be days where he won’t hear a thing from anyone and then there will be days where he is constantly on the phone. Financially it is getting a bit tight.

Meds:

I’m back on the folate, multi-vitamin and metformin this time around has been ok. I’m only taking one tablet a day (half in the morning and half after dinner). No sign of the dreaded ‘D’ yet, which is good and I will be slowly getting my body used to it before going to two tables a day.

Me:

I’m feeling really good actually, not tired, not stressed, really positive and full of life. I look at Mimi’s work situation and the Bills coming in and normally I would stressing about it, but now it’s like “Humph…she’ll be right” (whilst shrugging). It might be the flower essences, it might be metformin but honestly I don’t care what it is I’m just glad that I feel this way.

Ellie:

While we were at Lindeman Island Ellie had her appendix (sp?) removed and the surgery went well as expected. When we were to arrive home she was meant to come over her for some TLC whilst Mimi and I were still off work and on holidays. My fucked sister decided to let her 14 year old daughter decided that she is ok to go to school (against dr orders) earlier and that Ellie would be better of with her grandparents (BIL parents). My sister will never learn that these people are not the right influence on her kids. To say the least I was pissed off as we could’ve stayed longer at Lindeman.

Ellie did go back to school earlier and then spent the whole weekend and most of this week in hospital again as she got an infection, where they had to drain the puss everyday (with no pain killers)…sorry for TMI. I didn’t take the high road a smirk and say…”She would’ve been better off at my house”. Ellie is doing much better now but is under strict instructions to stay at home and not to go to school until she is better.

TTC:
There is no sign of ovulation or of my period which means no ovulation no baby, no period no ovulation induction cycle. I may need more patients to allow metformin to kick in.

Dr New

I’m back from the appointment with Dr New who believes that I’m not borderline PCOS but definitely have PCOS. This is the whole reason why I have trouble loosing weight and why I don’t ovulate.

I’m being put back on Metformin, one tablet a day for 2 weeks to see if I still suffer any side affects. But if I do suffer then I’m to take something similar to Provera to start my period.

Dr New said that he will be personally monitoring my next Ovulation Induction cycle. Which is good news and I liked Dr New felt very comfortable with him.

I can’t help feel as though there was something missing, I think that I was expecting way too much. I’m sick and tired of my weight being an issue with trying to conceive a child.

Dear Bobim

I know that it has been a while since I last wrote you a letter; this does not mean that I don’t think of you. You are never far from my thoughts.

We are going to see a new Fertility specialist on Monday and part of me is very excited yet another part is also terrified and full of questions. We are half way through the third year of really trying to have you and it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. By now you should’ve been with us, you should’ve been reaching a birthday.

By now I should be starting to try and conceive your brother or sister. This is not how I had envisioned my life. I always wanted to a ‘young’ Mum having you in my mid twenties, but now it looks like that you will be joining us in my early thirties, if ever.

I have to believe that you will be with us soon otherwise I will go insane I think. Daddy and I were talking the other day about our plans for the future and now that Daddy has started studying we were talking about what will happen in three years time.

We both agreed that we did not want to be ‘Bobim-less’ in 3 years time, but we haven’t agreed as to when we would stop trying for you. I’m not ready to say STOP, it has been enough. I am ready for the consequences of that decision but just not ready to give into my infertility. There has to be a way that you will be conceived and stay with us. I believe that there is a solution out there for you and me to be together, what the answer is I don’t know. I just pray that this new Dr will help.

After shock

After our lovely holiday we arrived back to our clean lovely house, but is it too quiet. At times I hate it; this house was deliberately built with extra bedrooms for our children and they are empty of baby things, with the exception of the ‘chest of dreams’ they are just too quiet.

My desire for a child has not been diminished, if anything our holiday has increased my want. I think that this is really hurting my Mimi which most hard to bear.

At times (like right now) I feel an overwhelming sense of failure as a wife, mother and woman, I can’t even keep a pregnancy, I thought that I had put all those feelings aside and moved on. But there are times many times where the feelings just seem to overwhelm me.

Holiday 1

On arrival we were greeted by 6 to 8 people clapping on the docs dancing, smiling and singing also waving at us. My first thought was DICKS! Here I was dog tired and all I wanted was to go to my room and crash, how dare these people be happy?

We all get shuffled into this shuttle bus then catch a ride to reception where we are greeted with a tropical juice drink. Then we are seated in a waiting area whilst the cards and keys and packs are explained to us. As this is going on more and more people wearing yellow GO t-shirts show up. Each couple of group is then personally escorted to their rooms.

Our room is comfortable, the bed is nice and hard, there is enough room to pack our clothes away and the bathroom is also big, there is air-conditioning as well as a ceiling fan and a balcony (which I’ve already described in my pervious post).

We get changed as I’m sweating like a pig, then head down stairs for lunch. Nothing could’ve greeted us with a jaw dropping response with the amount of food that they had ready waiting, there were so many table filled with food a smorgeast board of variety. Being the person that I am I was more excited about the food than I was the location! Hehehehe

After we ate, we went back up the stairs (which will be a whole separate post), but we then decided to go and explore the island and all the activities. To write about how much there is to do in this place would take more time than I’m willing to give, let me just say that there is so much to do that I really think that 7 days here will not be enough time to fit it all in.

One thing that I forgot to mention was as we were eating lunch and dinner they have communal tables where staff and other guest sit with you and they encourage people to get to know each other.

We have met this lovely couple from Melbourne and the lady is 3 months pregnant but who suffered endo had an operation…another hope lady in my books. She brings me hope that one day it will happen to me as it has happened with her.

Last night we went to the circus on the island, where guests even did stunts on the trapeze. I get more enjoyment watching Mimi have a good time than I do having a good time on my own. He was so excited and he wanted to have a go with the trapeze himself.

After the circus show we were kindly but forcefully told not to go back to our rooms but to join all the staff in the disco, where it was so funny to watch them all do the same dance moves. What really made it for me were the three guys (yes guys) dancing in front of us, they were booging the cute (did I say that?) buts off and getting really into it. The guests (or GM (gentile members) were encouraged to get up and a dance as well. Mimi and I boogied well into the night, well until 11:30…we were tired as we had a 4am start.

The scene is set

Way back in April Mimi and I decided to take time off work and spend it together we wanted to get away from Melbourne, fly somewhere where we would be pampered. The searching began and I found a really good deal to a Club Med in Northern Queensland, we had never been to a club med before but what drew us to it was that price tag and that it was all inclusive. The only catch was (and there is always a catch) that we had to pay in full by the end of May.

So even though Mimi has lost his job and is still currently looking, we didn’t cancel the holiday as it was already paid for in full. Our last holiday was to Hungary where we spent 3 months there visiting relatives and also other countries (but that holiday was 2 years ago). People at work then try to remind me that I have been to Merribula and Adelaide this year. To me these were not really holidays, they were weekends away where it was with other people and we both felt that we couldn’t do what we wanted.

So here I am (or have been for the past 3 hours) in a comfortable hotel room, sitting on the balcony, when I look up I can see lush green leaved trees, turquoise blue water, another small island and a sail boat. Paradise (picture to follow). But you know what was my first thought?

Not a sigh and a “Oh good I’m here now I can relax”, it was “I want to blog about this, I HAVE TO blog about this”. So what does that mean? Am I crazy? Obsessed?

Instead of putting on my bathers (swim suit) and going down to the pool I’m sitting here blogging. The flight here was short and sweet, however (and why does there always have to be a however or but?) there was this tiny little baby would’ve only been 2-3 months old, no matter how many times I tried to look away, my eyes were constantly drawn to her.

Bobim – I can’t feel lost without your presence with my right now. I wish that you were here to share the special place with us, the grief for you has come back to my like a hammer to my heart. I’m in paradise and I can think of if how I wish you were here with us.

In comes Mr Mas

We went a saw the naturopath Thursday night, I shall call him Mr Mas or Mas. What started out as an initial consultation for me being half hour to 45 minutes ended up being a 2 hour visit.

Both of us are taking herbs that I’m sure have deliberately been made to make you gag just by the smell. I’m on two different tablets, a tincture that is absolutely disgusting and flower essence. Mimi is on one tablet, zinc drops and a tincture mixture as well.

I have to write a full Medical history about myself, my mum and my sister and provide a Diet diary for a week. We are seeing Mas again on Thursday.

Is this sign?

I’m wondering if my period is finally showing itself, but I just don’t know what is going on with my body.

But my back hurts so badly in fact that I couldn’t sleep well last night and could hardly walk this morning when I got out of be. I’m a bit shitty today, taking stupid things personally, getting annoyed easily then in the next breath down but to perk up quickly and then to snap at people. Then there is this huge zit on my face, head ache.

So to recap:
* back hurts
* grumpy / moody
* bad skin
* head ache

If my period doesn’t come then I must be going crazy.

The chest of my dreams

Recently Bugsy posted about the jinx thing, you know the one, where you shouldn't buy baby clothes "just in case". Well I ignored those comments as started buying something small every week for a while.

Mimi and I discussed this whole 'jinx' subject and we both were of the same opinion. He used the example of our marriage as a great point of view. Before I even met my husband I had a glory box, full of all sorts of things. I started collecting things for my glory box when I was 16, yes I was very eager to get married. Hence why I was married at the age of 19.

We lived with my parents for a year after the wedding as we didn't have the money to buy / build a house. But that didn't stop us from collecting / purchasing items for our house.

So Mimi always points out that our preparation for our life together started when I was 16 and this didn't 'jinx' our life together. We will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in Feb 2006. I still think that this is a strong point, I didn't 'jinx' our marriage then so how can buying a sock, bib, blanket, jump suit 'jinx' my chances of having a child?

I had borderline PCOS before I even bought a sock, bib, blanket, jump suit, etc. I stand (well sit) here today shaking my cyber fist at JINX telling her / him to back off cause I don't believe in you!

So here is an idea of the stash that I have accumulated:

Baby Websites

When I first started TTC my friend Jill recommended a website to visit. I was soon hooked, through that website I was introduced to the blog world through Terita’s blog.

In March this year when I decided to have a break from TTC I also decided to have a break from this particular baby web site. I never had a bad experience with the ladies there, honestly there are some on the web that are awful but I found that the ladies there were always supportive, kind and understanding.

I met a lot of my cyber friends there for which I’m most grateful. Since I made my decision in March, I’ve preferred to live in the blog world. Once or twice I did go back to my ‘old’ haunts just to see how some of the ladies were going.

This morning I’ve decided to go and find an acupuncturist and /or naturopath in order to get myself ‘ready’ for my next TTC cycle in August. When I though that I would post a question asking for any advice on who to see. So I started reading some of the threads to see where some of my old ‘TTC buddies were’. Well as you can guess most of them are pregnant, from user names that I did recognize.

I don’t begrudge any of them for their success as I KNOW what they have had to go through, we’ve been through the worst together when I was still an active member and I honestly don’t begrudge my SIL for falling pregnant either. I just feel that these little reminders just show me that I still have not gotten any closer to my goal.

In August I thought that once again I would go back to that website, but I think that there comes a time where you have to say good-bye to your old haunts and move on. But that is a decision to be made later.

All that crap about letting go of my fear, I feel was for nothing. I’m angry as I went and saw this Kinesiologist to help me fall pregnant and she sent me off an this whole different path of trying to loose weight, loving myself and all things spiritual which in the end may eventually help me. But really who am I kidding, my goal and desire to have a child has just been ignored.

So now I’m asking myself “Was all this break time a waste?”

The weekend that was (a bit late)

I had Ellie and Tina stay here over the weekend and it was a nice distraction, from the way that I’ve been feeling lately. I’m currently typing on our new laptop whilst watching one of my many chick flicks that I own. Ellie is watching me type this is was getting upset that I described our weekend together as a “nice distraction”.

But she will get over it, both Tina and Ellie know how much Mimi and I love them. The worst part for me is always when they leave, my house has been filled with laughing, screaming, and sarcasm, teasing, joking and loving. Even though they are “classes” as teenagers that are still children, whom I can pretend are mine for three nights.

Last night we went to watch Tina play basket ball and even though she kinda sucked it was nice to sit there and watch my niece try her hardest to play. Their team got slaughter. On the way out of the court, there was a small team meeting and Mimi looks at me with longing in his eyes and says “I can’t wait until we do this with our kids”.

That just broke my heart, after months of ‘having a break’ I feel like our lives will not end if we don’t have our own child as there will be other ways to fill it with children. However having said that I can’t help the feel that my heart is not complete and will not ever be complete.

I can’t wait to get started with OI again but it really feels like a lifetime away. I’m hoping that the new doctor will be able to help us with out goal. I hat how I’m feeling these days lost, sad, no motivation, depressed even. I think that it maybe time to see J again and get balanced. I think that this is the main reason why I’m feeling the way I am.

Things that should NEVER be said to an infertile

“Better luck next time”

“Maybe you should have a D&C to ‘clean’ you out and then you will fall pregnant”

“I though that you were on a break”

“If you are going on a break, perhaps you should take contraception to stop yourself falling pregnant”

“Maybe you should just stop trying then” (After I mentioned I don’t know how my heart can take anymore miscarriages)

“My friend was told to go on a holiday and she came back pregnant, maybe you need a holiday”.

“Many women suffer miscarriages”

This was all said to me in one conversation. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

Some predictions do come true

I went to see my gp this afternoon as the dreaded time for a Pap smear was on me. What was worse than normal was the doctor wanted to take a swab sample as my uterus looked weird (which were her exact words). Yeah…that won’t stress me…much!

We talked a lot about work, my previous visitors, my fertility issues and of course my diet. I explained to her that I was thinking about starting the fertility treatment again and we talked about me seeing someone else, as I was feeling as though I was not getting the proper treatment with my current one.

She asked me if I had any type of hands on examination, you know them looking at my vagina, uterus check any, you know physical exam. I innocently said:
“No, all he has ordered is blood tests”
“That’s unusual; normally they don’t prescribe fertility treatment until they rule out everything” (which she replied whilst pulling a dramatic face). She went onto say “Perhaps it is best if you see someone from scratch and get a different perspective”.

So I now have my new referral in hand, and I made two appointments today one with old f/s and the other with the new. But and I just knew that this would be the case, they are not available until August…can you believe it August, this is when I was wanting to start treatment not wait and then start in September. Dr New is for the 15th August and Dr Old is for the 25th.

I’m also going to call nurse P tomorrow morning and work out whether or not I can do a treatment with her whilst waiting to see Dr Old, am not going to tell her that I also planing on seeing Dr New at the same time. Or the other option is to just wait and see Dr New and then start treatment… which I’m sure is the way Mimi would love to go.

On one of the Baby websites that I frequent there was a thread a while ago for those ladies who have already gone through IVF, ART and what advice they would pass onto newbies.. Now I don’t consider myself a newbie but this is what was said:

* Test everything BEFORE you begin treatment. From don't let them put you on clomid if they don't know your tubes are clear to don't let them do IVF until you've had a hysteroscopy. It's a waste of time, and energy, and drugs, and it's emotionally draining to be treated when it's not going to work for you.
* get a second opinion. I can't even begin to recount the number of people I've seen waste years of their lives because something was missed or misdiagnosed. No one is omnipotent, everyone makes mistakes, and doctors are people too.
So I’m taking the advice and am seeking a second opinion. Just before I sign off a quick update on my period status…my last period was 14th May. GP recommends that I do a HPT soon (like in the next two weeks)…I just said that it won’t happen if I don’t ovulate.

News from OS

I try to keep in touch with relatives that live OS, so last night I called to receive and give an update. Some of you may remember my previous post at Christmas time where I received a post card from one of my many cousins where she indicated that she was pregnant and due to give birth in June.

I just knew that there was a reason for the overwhelming need to call, I had the feeling all week that she had the baby and sure enough my second cousin gave birth to a healthy baby girl on the 31st May 2005. Whilst I was happy to hear the news, what was very devastating was to find out that her sister (Z) is also pregnant and is due to give birth by the end of August, start of September.

When Mimi and I were there 2 years ago we did discuss starting a family when them and part of me was really happy for Z, I could not help the feeling that both of my babies had to leave me just so that they could have theirs, you know like there was (is) some shortage on souls and my two little souls were given somewhere else rather than stay with me.

Now I’m an intelligent person and my logical part of my brain knows that my notion of “not enough souls” is ridiculous and under any other circumstance I would have dismissed that thought straight away; however I didn’t what is worse I’ve had that thought running through my mind and will not leave me…I even voiced that thought to my mother. Could this be a side affect from in fertility or going through ART? I don’t know, but I certainly don’t like the person that I have become when it is related to Babies.

Ellie's poem

My Poem from me to you

I was sitting here thinking,
Of the words to say
But they didn’t come out right so I found another way.
I got a piece of paper and I wrote this poem for you
But there is not way to thank you for everything you do.

For always being there for me and
Staying by my side
For helping fix my problems
For accepting my thoughts and feelings in which you understood
For never giving up on me,
For making me laugh and letting me cry,
And saying you would miss me if I were to die.

Everything you mean to you could never know,
In all the ways you’ve changed my life I could never show.
You are my shinning star and though it’s so incredible that’s the way you are

Before getting to mushy
It’s time for me to go
But before I leave this ink filled page there one thing you should know
As long as we are living
No matter when or where if you need me I’ll be there
I will climb a hundred mountains and swim a thousand seas
Anything to be there because you’ve been there for me.

Right or wrong reasons

Pain – I’m in a constant state of pain, my body feels so battered and bruised that at times I don’t know how I’m going to go on and yet I feel fantastic, the pain tells me that what I’m doing is right. “No pain no gain” saying comes to mind.

Am I pushing myself too much? Possibly, is this an excuse to give up? Could be, but I’m not going to give up, if it takes a few months of pain to achieve conception then I’m willing to grin and bear it.

I’ve never been the type of person to keep things private, when I suffered the miscarriages I told people at work, not to get sympathy but to educate others (especially women) that sometimes conception is not an easy thing. Until I stated TTC I feel as though I lived in the dark ages. So a lot of people know that I’m TTLW and work has been very supportive.

However there is one glitch and that is people seem to think that I’m doing all this exercise for the wrong reasons. BOBIM. I’ve been told to:
“Do this for yourself and no one else”
“Let go of the fear of never having a baby and loose weight for you”
“Do you want to cherish this body for yours?”
“Look after yourself; you are the most important person at the moment”

I can see that side of the coin, however let me be totally honest here, if I wasn’t trying for my bobi (that is our name we use when we talk about a baby) then I would not be putting myself through this. Sure I want to look good, but that is not important to me, sure I want to be able to buy nice clothes, but again this is not important to me.

I’m excited about loosing weight as I can’t wait to get back into some of my clothes, but that is a side effect, I’m really doing this to conceive my bobi. No other reason. Sure I want to be healthy and live long; However I’m comfortable in my skin, I know who I am, I’ve accepted how I look.

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been told by many people to loose weight “You would be so gorgeous if you lost weight”. “Why don’t you try to loose weight before you go overseas and visit the family, you want to feel comfortable don’t you?”

I have come to the realisation that the main reason why I didn’t want to do this before and why I still fight doing this for me is because I feel that family, friends, work colleagues and general people in my life should accept me how I am and love me for the soul I posses rather than the kilos I carry.

My Mimi has rarely tells me to loose weight and when he does it is only in the context that he see me struggling walking up a hill or he hears me breathing hard after a short walk and he says that he is scared and hates it how I struggle. Yet others in my life say what they think are inspirational words for me to loose weight but they hurt as it is another example where I feel that have not accepted me as I am or they do not love the person I am right now and want me to be something else.

So am I doing this for the right or wrong reasons? By others opinions I am; but if Bobim is the motivation that has made me get up this morning after my first personal training session last night that has caused me to limp this morning and I’m just about to go to a water aerobics class in the deep end of the pool, then in my book I don’t think that it is the wrong reason. At the end of this journey I still may not have my Bobim but I will have lost weight and be healthier.

To me this is as win win situation even if it’s been achieve with the ‘wrong’ intention in mind.

A Baby

On Sunday Mimi and I went to a work function for his work and families were invited, little did I think that the afternoon would be so hard. There were two toddlers and two babies, one was 5 months old and the other was 5 weeks old.

It was nice to talk ‘Babies’ and ask all the kind of usual blah questions, like did you have a hard pregnancy, how is he sleeping and how are you coping. Mind you it was the first time I met these women.

You guessed it they started asking Tim and I THE question…Do you have kids? Are you going to have them…you know the ones. We are so used to answering THOSE questions and I was feeling pretty good.

UNTIL…

I was offered to hold the 5 week old little Jasper, and I’ve held my close friends baby all the time, actually as soon as I set in her door it is almost an automatic thing that I get to cuddle her child. So I thought ok why not I’ll hold little Jasper. He was so cute and calm and so very tiny, not a problem. Then Mimi’s work colleague must have seen the wistful expression on my face and started saying things like, “oh no Mimi you better watch out she looks clucky”.

Mimi promptly replied that fine with me. So the mother of Jasper asked me if we were trying, honesty has always been my policy so I told her the truth. Yes we are but it won’t be easy for us, we then talked about OI (she has a friend going through the same thing and has also suffered miscarriages). I casually try to say, “Every time I’ve done an OI cycle I’ve miscarried, it was on my tongue”. But as the words started coming out I started choking on tears. I held the back and quickly gave the little one back and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

Here I was holding a gorgeous little boy, which represented something that I want more than life itself (atm) and it doesn’t seem to be happening for us. If anything holding little Jasper just gives me more motivation to TTLW and go to my exercise classes; which I did tonight and enjoyed immensely.

Decisions

I’ve had the past 3 days to think about a lot of things that is currently going on in my life and where I want to head and what is most important to me.

This last miscarriage, if nothing else has taught me that even if I pushed things as in continue with OI in this obsessive manner. My Bobim will not stay with me until my body is ready.

Now my heart, mind and soul is ready for our Bobim, but I don’t think that my body is ready for one. What is keeping me back is my weight. I think that J was right and that I have to drop some of this weight.

These decisions that I have made I have fought with my heart and soul against. I don’t want to stop TTCing for God’s sake, but I think that I do need a break from it all.

I need to get my life in order, take some control back. I need to start cooking for my self and not let someone else say “this is diet food” when the meal is swimming in cream.

I thought that it was important for me to push for a promotion at work and work my butt of every day. At the end of the day it has always been drummed into me that work is very important and “You should work hard”.

Yesterday the GP and I talked a lot about everything that was and is going on in my life. Wether or not I continue with OI, my diet and TTLW (trying to loose weight), my work, home life everything.

I admitted to my GP shyly that I’ve been thinking about going to see a counsellor as I feel as though I can’t really cope with a lot of things that is going on in my life and kind of feel out of control. We agreed that I will be seeing her on a weekly or fortnightly basis.

I told the GP about the BSS diet and she told me doing that sort of diet is restrictive and too much to quick. Which I have to agree with, I’m so confused about the whole diet and change of lifestyle thing. I’ve tried and it has never really worked for me.

My task this week, even though I am following the BSS diet (well partially) is to add two pieces of fruit everyday. On another note I have lost another kilo..making it 2.5 kilos altogether another 34.5 kilos to go.

We talked about the number of hours that I work being a full time employee 36.25 hours a week doesn’t seem too much, except when you add another 12.5 hours travel per week. The GP is writing a letter to my Manager that I’m to only work no more than 30 hours per week.

Giving me a day off every week or a compromise of working from home, I have yet to discuss this with my Boss and I’m really scared that they won’t allow me to do this. There is already a resource shortage at work. But I honestly feel that if I am going to achieve my goals I can’t do it whilst working full time. My GP is totally behind me and agrees that my weight and my TTC issues are serious medical reasons for me to be concentrating on my life.

In summary; I will be holding off TTC with AC for a few months maybe only 2, depending when my next period turns up. I will be TTLW with a combination of no BSS, GP advice and my old Sure Slim diet. I will be talking to my boss (after my annual pay rise) about cutting back my hours. I will also be having fortnightly massages (weekly seems a bit excessive) and I will be actively going back to the gym, water aerobics.

My aim is to be pregnant within a year of now, along with being 34.5kg lighter and if after all that I still don’t have Bobim with me then I think that I will do something very, extremely drastic.

The cycle that was

It started off with having to take Provera to bring on my period, it took 3 weeks for it to start instead of the normal 10days. My baseline b/t and u/s were ok and I started on 150iu of Gonal-f and had my u/s, where it showed that my follicles were growing too slowly.

So I continued with the Gonal-f, when my ovaries finally caught up with the worlds expectations and I was to have my trigger. I now call that night the Pregnyl incident, the fear and emotions have still not left me.

Then the intercourse episode of the morning timeframe, also at the same time I had really bad diahorea. Then last Monday I had to the worst constipation in my life, I was bloated like a balloon.

My breasts were sore extremely sore and I had really bad nausea. Even threw my dinner up one night. Then last Thursday during the day I had this awful feeling on the back of my throat it hurt to breathe in through my nose.

This was just before our long weekend where we were meant to go away with our visitors. So I checked and I had a slight fever and took Panadol (Paracetamol) and only one Day and Night tablet. All packaging said it was ok to take if pregnant, well the Day and night tablets for head colds only mentioned that if pregnant seek medical advice. I thought that one or two wouldn’t hurt…surely?!?!?!

Friday I wake up with a bad head cold and I didn’t sleep too well was up every hour going to the toilet (good sign I hear you say) and blowing my nose and was so very thirsty. Off to work were I only lasted half the day (there was an event for the half of the day that I didn’t go to). One the way home went to the Chemist who told me that IF I maybe pregnant I can’t take anything, not even Paracetamol.

I just felt like I was punched in the chest…what did I do to myself and my unborn (yet unknown if present baby), would two heads be growing? Would it be like monsters or would it die all because I wasn’t feeling to well.

We were meant to leave for our trip the following morning at 6am and I could hardly stand being so fucken dizzy. I jumped into bed and tried to sleep, but couldn’t as my nose was blocked and I couldn’t even use my nasal spray…another thing to add to my guilt list. I had used my nasal spray at couple of times during the cycle.

I eventually got up when Mimi got home and packed for the trip, all I could do that night was drink water and try to keep my temperature down as much as possible. Saturday morning we set off and I felt like crap used a box of tissues in the time it took us to get to our destination.

During the 6 hour drive that took us over 12 hours (we stopped a lot) I was sneezing quite a bit and was stressing about the pressure and the cramping action the whole time. How would this affect little Bobim? I didn’t worry too much until everytime I sneezed a great gush of CM would come out of me…OH GOD, THIS IS NOT GOOD. Were my thoughts, now I’m in a car with three other people can’t really ask Mimi to pull over to check my underwear to see if the CM was bloody. COULD I?

Sunday I continued to sneeze and have constant gushing sensations, when the CM started turning pink, I nearly freaked out and lost it. I was either getting my period or making myself miscarry were my thoughts.

During the trip our visitors wanted to eat Seafood wanting to try new things, so I had a lot of fish (I don’t usually eat fish), I made sure that I kept to well cooked dishes and stayed away from the sushi types of foods. But in the back of my mind I was stressing about this, I had heard that you shouldn’t eat fish if you were pregnant.

The worst was about to happen to me, Monday morning at 4am I wake worst pain I have ever experienced before in my life. My left ovary felt like it was about to explode. I went to the toilet and it sounded like I was peeing but in truth it was the was constant blood coming out of me.

My period had arrived or I was miscarrying in a motel room 6 hours away from home and hospital and my doctors. We were leaving for home that day. I had to take something for the pain as I wouldn’t not have been able to function. We didn’t take 12 hours to get home but we did stop for a tour and a look at a few places. I can’t remember much of the tour as every step was excruciating pain. I don’t know how I did it but I put up with the pain.

In the afternoon after eating lunch and our last leg of the drive I sat in the back with Mimi and cried silently most of the way home. The pain was bad and I was potentially loosing another Bobim. This would make it Three times that I lost my Bobim.

I didn’t go to the hospital as by the time I got home the pain has subsided a little, instead I went to bed and tried to sleep. But I was up every hour to change my pad and walk the pain off (iykwim). Tuesday morning Mimi went to work and I stayed home I couldn’t face a day at work in the amount of pain I was feeling in my pelvis and my heart.

I called P and she advised me to go to the GP, Mimi came home from work early to take me and I was off to have b/t and u/s. With the thought that I maybe suffering an ectopic pregnancy. U/s showed only my polycyctic ovaries but no embbie present in my fallopian tubes.

This afternoon it was confirmed that I had another miscarriage, my third one, the beta hCG was 31. Third time of Ovulation Induction third time a successful pregnancy third time miscarriage…my worst fear was here. I lost another Bobim.

Small Update

What a day, I really didn’t want to go to work today. It seems that it is getting harder and harder to go, I’ve got a lot to do and have been given a great opportunity with my job in regards to an advancement. But I just can’t find the strength and motivation to go.

I had another b/t this morning and my levels are as follows:
Friday Today
Oestrogen 1239 1685 (approx)
Progesterone 31 85

The nurse was very happy and didn’t mention that I will be receiving a period soon. She just asked if we had made an appointment for the hCG b/t, which we had…9 more sleeps.

I don’t know what to make of all this, I did ask if this indicated that I was pg, but she told (not so nicely) that she didn’t say that I was pregnant. So I asked what it meant that my progesterone levels rose. I was told that IF something had implanted then I had enough hormones to sustain a pregnancy.

I then asked her if my Progesterone levels had dropped would that mean that I’m getting my period…she replied yes. The only thing that baffled me was that I’m took Pregnyl and wasn’t sure if Pregnyl contained Progesterone…did some searching and it seems that it doesn’t, but I could be wrong.

Who knows…all I know is that my nurse is happy with my levels and I’m quietly happy too, don’t really know what to make of all this…9 more sleeps.