Thursday, March 17, 2005

Decisions

I’ve had the past 3 days to think about a lot of things that is currently going on in my life and where I want to head and what is most important to me.

This last miscarriage, if nothing else has taught me that even if I pushed things as in continue with OI in this obsessive manner. My Bobim will not stay with me until my body is ready.

Now my heart, mind and soul is ready for our Bobim, but I don’t think that my body is ready for one. What is keeping me back is my weight. I think that J was right and that I have to drop some of this weight.

These decisions that I have made I have fought with my heart and soul against. I don’t want to stop TTCing for God’s sake, but I think that I do need a break from it all.

I need to get my life in order, take some control back. I need to start cooking for my self and not let someone else say “this is diet food” when the meal is swimming in cream.

I thought that it was important for me to push for a promotion at work and work my butt of every day. At the end of the day it has always been drummed into me that work is very important and “You should work hard”.

Yesterday the GP and I talked a lot about everything that was and is going on in my life. Wether or not I continue with OI, my diet and TTLW (trying to loose weight), my work, home life everything.

I admitted to my GP shyly that I’ve been thinking about going to see a counsellor as I feel as though I can’t really cope with a lot of things that is going on in my life and kind of feel out of control. We agreed that I will be seeing her on a weekly or fortnightly basis.

I told the GP about the BSS diet and she told me doing that sort of diet is restrictive and too much to quick. Which I have to agree with, I’m so confused about the whole diet and change of lifestyle thing. I’ve tried and it has never really worked for me.

My task this week, even though I am following the BSS diet (well partially) is to add two pieces of fruit everyday. On another note I have lost another kilo..making it 2.5 kilos altogether another 34.5 kilos to go.

We talked about the number of hours that I work being a full time employee 36.25 hours a week doesn’t seem too much, except when you add another 12.5 hours travel per week. The GP is writing a letter to my Manager that I’m to only work no more than 30 hours per week.

Giving me a day off every week or a compromise of working from home, I have yet to discuss this with my Boss and I’m really scared that they won’t allow me to do this. There is already a resource shortage at work. But I honestly feel that if I am going to achieve my goals I can’t do it whilst working full time. My GP is totally behind me and agrees that my weight and my TTC issues are serious medical reasons for me to be concentrating on my life.

In summary; I will be holding off TTC with AC for a few months maybe only 2, depending when my next period turns up. I will be TTLW with a combination of no BSS, GP advice and my old Sure Slim diet. I will be talking to my boss (after my annual pay rise) about cutting back my hours. I will also be having fortnightly massages (weekly seems a bit excessive) and I will be actively going back to the gym, water aerobics.

My aim is to be pregnant within a year of now, along with being 34.5kg lighter and if after all that I still don’t have Bobim with me then I think that I will do something very, extremely drastic.

No comments: