I try to keep in touch with relatives that live OS, so last night I called to receive and give an update. Some of you may remember my previous post at Christmas time where I received a post card from one of my many cousins where she indicated that she was pregnant and due to give birth in June.
I just knew that there was a reason for the overwhelming need to call, I had the feeling all week that she had the baby and sure enough my second cousin gave birth to a healthy baby girl on the 31st May 2005. Whilst I was happy to hear the news, what was very devastating was to find out that her sister (Z) is also pregnant and is due to give birth by the end of August, start of September.
When Mimi and I were there 2 years ago we did discuss starting a family when them and part of me was really happy for Z, I could not help the feeling that both of my babies had to leave me just so that they could have theirs, you know like there was (is) some shortage on souls and my two little souls were given somewhere else rather than stay with me.
Now I’m an intelligent person and my logical part of my brain knows that my notion of “not enough souls” is ridiculous and under any other circumstance I would have dismissed that thought straight away; however I didn’t what is worse I’ve had that thought running through my mind and will not leave me…I even voiced that thought to my mother. Could this be a side affect from in fertility or going through ART? I don’t know, but I certainly don’t like the person that I have become when it is related to Babies.