Monday, May 02, 2005

A Baby

On Sunday Mimi and I went to a work function for his work and families were invited, little did I think that the afternoon would be so hard. There were two toddlers and two babies, one was 5 months old and the other was 5 weeks old.

It was nice to talk ‘Babies’ and ask all the kind of usual blah questions, like did you have a hard pregnancy, how is he sleeping and how are you coping. Mind you it was the first time I met these women.

You guessed it they started asking Tim and I THE question…Do you have kids? Are you going to have them…you know the ones. We are so used to answering THOSE questions and I was feeling pretty good.


I was offered to hold the 5 week old little Jasper, and I’ve held my close friends baby all the time, actually as soon as I set in her door it is almost an automatic thing that I get to cuddle her child. So I thought ok why not I’ll hold little Jasper. He was so cute and calm and so very tiny, not a problem. Then Mimi’s work colleague must have seen the wistful expression on my face and started saying things like, “oh no Mimi you better watch out she looks clucky”.

Mimi promptly replied that fine with me. So the mother of Jasper asked me if we were trying, honesty has always been my policy so I told her the truth. Yes we are but it won’t be easy for us, we then talked about OI (she has a friend going through the same thing and has also suffered miscarriages). I casually try to say, “Every time I’ve done an OI cycle I’ve miscarried, it was on my tongue”. But as the words started coming out I started choking on tears. I held the back and quickly gave the little one back and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

Here I was holding a gorgeous little boy, which represented something that I want more than life itself (atm) and it doesn’t seem to be happening for us. If anything holding little Jasper just gives me more motivation to TTLW and go to my exercise classes; which I did tonight and enjoyed immensely.

1 comment:

Bugsy said...

Oh hun, it is so hard, isn't it. I was in a similar position only a few weeks ago. It feels so good holding that baby, even though you know in your heart it isn't your baby. It still feels good.

We will do it hun - before you know it, you and me both will be holding our babies - and this time, we won't be giving any back.

Good luck with the WL - it looks like you are really motivated with the exercise regime - well done! I am so proud of you for doing this.