4 Months

Jordan is 4 months today, last night I spent some time looking over his photo’s and it amazes me how quickly he is growing. The other day I heard someone mention somewhere something that happened in October and I sat there dumbfounded, where was October. Did we have October this year? Where was I?

It feels as though I’ve missed September, October and a little of November, I can’t remember anything that happened in those months as they are a blur.

These days I’m enjoying Jordan much more, actually we are enjoying each other. I can’t wait to wake in the morning and greet him as I look forward to every day I spend with him. There has been a big shift in how I feel as a Mother, care giver and my feelings towards Jordan. Loving him goes with out saying, but enjoying him and cherishing his smiles, giggles and even his tantrums are a different story.

The first 3 months are tough really tough and I think that the blurry period is a way of protecting yourself from really going insane. A good night sleep is also the key. Jordan is sleeping through the nights now, he has been for about a month now. Off to bed between 8:30 and 9pm and wakes up between 6am to 7:30am.

Today also marks an anniversary of a kind. This day last year I received my first positive beta for Jordan. It was 108, which can be considered as low but still it was a positive beta. A year ago today I didn’t know if I would be lucky enough to carry the pregnancy to term and I didn’t know a lot of things. I thank God with every fiber of my being for the precious gift of my son.

Happy 4 months Jordan!

Firsts

From August 2006 till August 2007 will be a year of firsts. Jordan’s, Tim’s and my firsts. Up until now we have had many firsts, our first cuddle, our first kiss, our first smile, giggle, cry, tears. So many firsts have already been achieved and so many more are just waiting in the wings.

This week marks two more firsts, that I feel compelled to blog about. Jordan has his first ever running nose and cough, what makes this first harder than the most is that there is nothing I can really do to help him.

Baby Panadol is all I can give him along with some comforting cuddles. Fishing for snot is not something either of us enjoys but it must be done so that he can breathe.

This weekend will be Jordan’s first sleep over at my Mum’s house, Tim’s work has a huge Christmas Party in the city and we thought it best that he stay with my parents as we don’t know when we will be coming home. Plus it gives us a chance to sleep in.

I’m not looking forward to leaving him there and I’m not sure who will be more anxious, Tim or myself. But it will be a good experience for all of us. There was NO question of leaving Jordan with my in-laws, there is no way that we could trust them to follow our instructions. Which is really very sad.

Christening

It has taken me a while to 1) get over the day 2) get over the ‘negative’ things that happened on the day. I don’t want to remember all the bad stuff, but being the Mari that I am I have to work through all the negative stuff before I can concentrate on the good things.

Jordan was an absolute gem on the day. He woke at 6:30am, I decided to dress him in his Christening clothes before the feed (dangerous I know, but I had a huge bib on that reached his knees). After feeding him he promptly fell asleep.

We arrived at the Church on time and were waiting for the Mass to finish, in the meantime Jordan was showing off his smiling ability to everyone. But was kept in the pram as I didn’t want to over stimulate him.

When people started leaving the Mass Ellie, Jordan and I started walking up to the front. There were all these ladies, family and friends that have known me since I was a child. They have seen me grow up, dance, perform and marry, there is a real history in that place.

At one point I was completely surrounded by these people, whom I lost contact with as I don’t go to the community centre often. They were all congratulating me on the birth of my son and were all having a peek. I started crying. Ellie didn’t understand why I was crying, I didn’t expect to be moved like I was.

Finally, finally after so many years I was introducing my son to these people, my son, my blessed son. I never expected to be so very happy and proud all in one. I knew that I would see some people, but didn’t expect to have this reaction.

The Christening lasted 30 minutes which was great and he cried on cue when the priest poured the holy water over his head. To get rid of the paparazzi (photographers) Jordan promptly spewed up, which was a good sign to head off.

The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, but I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I didn’t, it was a big day and I spent most of the time trying to get him to sleep. He didn’t mind being passed like a parcel around to people.

All in all there was way too much food left, way too many drinks left and not enough photo’s taken. But it is over and done with now and part of me feels blessed to have had the chance to bring my child into God’s house.

Lists

For those that have read this blog you will already know that I love compiling lists. I sometimes find that I can’t function properly without having a list. Take this weekend for example, to avoid an all out stress attack, I’m finding myself drawn to excel to compile multiple lists.
* A list of things to buy,
* A list of things to make (cook)
* A list of what to clean
* A list of things that need to be done

I’m not looking forward to the Christening as I’m worried about how Jordan will be on the day. Will he be grumpy, how will he react to having so many people surround him.

I’m also really worried that my sister will drink too much and start a fight with my parents. Or my parents will start something with my BIL. I’m sure that I’m stressing for nothing, but I can’t help worry about hosting such an important event.

To help me prepare, Ellie is here and her job on Sunday is to follow Jordan around and if she sees him getting tired she is to step in and take him off to bed. Being his Godmother it is her job to look after him which gives me some relief.

AJ CD2 of C#3

I guess that some of you can understand some of the title, but I will decipher it for you. After Jordan Cycle Day 2 of Cycle # 3, for those that don’t know what I mean, today is the second day of my period and this is the third period I’ve had since giving birth to Jordan.

What does this all mean….could it be that my periods are finally regular? Could it be linked to the fact that altogether I have lost 25kg since conceiving Jordan?

What it does mean is that I’ve intentionally let an egg free and not tried to conceive a baby. For the past 3+ years every ovulation was monitored, every egg was cherished; it meant another chance to have our baby. It feels so strange to be ovulating with out cycling or ‘doing it’ at the right time. I have always felt ovulation pain and it is so strange to feel it and not jump Tim, or rush to do an OPK just to confirm.

It feels wrong not to check my CM and most of all it feels so wrong that NOW it seems that I’m regular…my cycles are exactly 32days and 3 cycles in a row is unheard off for me.

TTC, Cycles, Cycle Days, OPK, HPT, EWCM and BD have been in my vocabulary for so very long that it feels strange to be giving them up now that I’m a Mummy. Even though Tim and I are not actively TTC, I am actively monitoring my cycles because one day we will be looking to start again and there is no way that I’m waiting around to check when my period is coming…I want to know for sure, and I want to know that if this luck of regular cycles disappears then we will be going straight back to Dr New for more Ovulation Induction.

In the meantime I will be updating my spreadsheet that I used when TTC for Jordan and I live in the hope that maybe, just maybe my body is back to being ‘normal’ again. Normal that is for someone that has PCOS with irregular periods.

3 Months

I can’t believe that Jordan is already 3 months old (today), here is a quick update on his progress

Tummy-time: I still struggle to find the time every single day to put JJ on his tummy. But when I do now, instead of lifting his head, he sucks the blanket of the towel that he is on. He has no real interest in lifting his head too much. But he rarely cries on his tummy, we often have a good ‘ol chat whilst lying there face to face.

Focus: I’m afraid to admitt that my son loves the TV…he is so fascinated with the lights and the movement of the TV. He recognises me from a distance now, and I have to be careful of how I approach him in his room, as sometimes I frighten him.

Hearing: Most recently if Jordan has cracked the shits and we turn up the music he stops crying. We noticed this in the car, he was screaming but as soon as Tim increased the volume of the radio he quietened down and went to sleep.

Smiles: Full faced smiles is what is on the menu these days, he will smile at anyone that gives him the time of day. We get more smiling than we do crying. Jordan is slowly building up to a laugh / giggle, give it a few weeks and I’m sure that I will be reporting our first laugh.

Speech: Still a very chatty child, he has been struggling to mimic the “farting” noise you do with your mouth…he tries so hard and gets so frustrated with himself. We have noticed that he loves it when we repeat his noises back to him. Gets a real kick out of it.

Feeding: No real change here, other than Jordan has set his routine now and is like clock work. His times do not vary anymore, 7am, 10am, 1pm and 4pm during the day, we usually have to wake him at 8:30pm for a bath and his last feed of the day.
Sleeping: He is still sleeping very well at night, it seems as though he maybe going longer at night. We were getting used to a 2am feed but then he went to 4am two days in a row and then this morning he went to 6am.

During the day he cat naps, roughly half an hour before and feed and half an hour after a feed. But he is awake and active most of the time during the day. Which gives us a lot of time to work on the ‘farting’ noise and the laugh. In the afternoon Jordan has a big sleep from about 4pm till his bath time…which we usually have to wake him for.

Crying: These days it is not a cry you will hear but a yell, he likes to yell when he is unhappy. Every Mothers Group I attend Jordan loves to demonstrate to the other children how big his lungs are…yes every single time…right at the start he yells.

Like a dog

Almost daily Jordan has new tricks, a new smile, new sound, new facial expression and he is discovering new things too.

His latest is a fascination with his left hand…he holds it up as a fist at arms length, whilst starting at it with a surprised expression on his face. Then the fist slowly moves towards his mouth which is opened in an O shape…then he sucks and sucks and sucks.

The other morning we woke to the sounds of sucking…not crying…sucking. He was happily trying to shove his fist into his mouth, so very cute. This afternoon whilst changing his nappy Jordan decided to show me his fist and when I went to give him a kiss on his cheek he moved his hand, as if to indicate that I must kiss his fist.

His latest smile is very similar to a smiley face with the tongue hanging out, it lights up his whole face. But it’s almost like his is embarrassed at the same time..you can almost hear the shuckssss….and foot shuffle to go along with that smile. It is out favourite!

Jordan has also decided to mistake any part of my body as a tissue. I go to burp him and he rubs his head from side to side…he does it so much that his little nose turns red. This is new and I don’t get what he is doing, it is only when he is tired. We wonder if he is unconsciously still seeking milk from my breast…because that is what it looks like.

Secretly I love it how he rubs his head against me, he is not crying just seeking comfort.

In other news

I’ve been referred to a specialist in order to have my gall bladder removed. My appointment is for next Thursday and from my guess the surgery will happen in November sometime…very serious stuff and no mucking about…or waiting around.

Since giving birth to Jordan I think that I’ve passed a number of stones, but the last time that it occurred I was in so much pain that I could not function. The other times…the pain passed quickly and I was able to look after my son.

My greatest fear with this now is that the pain will grip me again when it is just the two of us at home. When it starts I’m incapacitated there is no way that I could even look after Jordan. I could delay the surgery and wait until he is a little older but then I run the risk of it hitting me when I least expect it.

Then there are my feelings about the whole surgery, I feel as though I’m abandoning my little boy, even if it will be for a few days…I’m riddled with guilt. I know that I would not be a good mother if I ignored this and didn’t have the surgery…

The evil demon visited again, during the early morning feed. But this time I made it a point to talk to Tim about what the bastard said:
“What if I die during surgery?....Oh that is ok, Tim will find someone else to be the mother of Jordan. Jordan won’t miss me…plus Tim’s mother is much “better” mother than I am and she will help him”.

Perhaps the evil demon is a sign of PND, I don’t know, but when I had that thought…I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel hurt, angry, upset, happy. I felt nothing, no remorse, no pain , no sorrow…nothing…nada…zip. If anything the lack of feeling scares me more than that thought.

After telling Tim I did feel better and something deep inside me made me go and check on Jordan…as I leaned over the cot to see if he was awake, his eyes open and in the small light produced by the little lamp next to his bed he recognised me…and smiled…and that brought me back…my demon bashing bat grew and I was able to fight the bastard off again…even if for a little while.

Alternative Realities

Jordan had his 2 month immunisation injections today…I was so nervous, anxious and worried about the whole thing. 3 injections later in his thigh and much crying he is finally asleep.

On the way home from the Dr Surgery, having a screaming child in the car…my thoughts drifted to Star Trek – Voyager and the holographic doctor. More specifically the one instrument that was always present the hyper-spray. In that moment I wished for the utopia (or alternative) future where hyper-sprayers were readily used.

One little spssst sound and you would be all done, no jabbing, no bleeding and no screaming. Nothing can alleviate a mother’s worry and nervousness relating to immunisation…but…but what the hyper-spray would stop is the crack formed in a mother’s heart upon hearing their child scream in pain. Bring on the Star Trek future……even if we do not “boldly go where no man has gone before”, at least we could some of the gadgets.

****Update****

My poor little boy is suffering, he is in so much pain….every time he moves his legs there is a burst of pain….followed by a high pitch whimper, even in his sleep.

I’ve had to give him baby Panadol and I’ve held a cold face cloth against the needle wounds… I just hope that this will help him.

****2nd Update****

Well that seemed to have worked…he is now babbling away in his cot and smiling when I go to check up on him even kicking his legs around. What a relief it has taken me about 2 hours to write this post. In between I’ve had to help him poo (thanks Flick for the advice, massaging his botty seems to help), try to settle a screaming baby, try to feed him but resorted to giving him Panadol.

Pain

I wake, I’m lying on my right side, I’m in pain.
I rollover onto my back but still I’m in pain.
I roll onto my left side, I’m in pain.
I look at the clock it is 5am…I’m in pain.

I stretch…some relief but it comes back and I’m in pain.
I get out of bed and walk around…no help I’m still in pain.
I drink Mylanta, still in pain.
I drink water, cordial, soda, milk…no still in pain.

It is getting worse and I’m still in pain.
I walk around in a circle rubbing my tummy, it helps for a little but I’m still in pain.
I sit on the couch, my right leg tucked under my left, I’m still in pain.
I my elbow rests on the couch and my body is scrunched over, I’m still in pain.

I throw up my dinner, still in pain.
I ride the porcelain bus 6 more times and still in pain.
I wash my mouth out, shower change and still in pain.

It has been 5 hours and still I’m in pain.
Tim rubs my back, whilst I’m scrunched over..it helps a little but I’m still in pain.
I try pain killers no help as I’m still in pain.

I eventually go to the Doctors just to be poked and prodded all the while in pain.
I have a blood test, ultrasound and still I’m in pain.

I passed a Gall Stone, and it seems that my Gall Bladder needs to be removed as it is full of stones.
The pain has moved, into my heart…my baby…my poor little baby…I need to have this surgery…will he remember me? Will he miss me? Will Tim be able to cope?

2 Months

It doesn’t seem real that our little Jordan is two months old…here is an update (I copied this format from Nico..I hope that you don’t mind).

Growth check: At birth Jordan’s statistics were:
Weight = 2.72kg
Length = 51cm

At his 8 week check up his statistics are:
Weight = 4.4kg
Length = 56cm

Tummy-time: To start with Jordan hated tummy time…cried and cried, but I preserved and slowly introduced him to tummy time. He doesn’t mind it now, but as soon as he starts cracking it we stop the play. There was one day where he rolled over; yes rolled over…I know I know that it is too early. We had a rolled up towel under his arms and he lifted his hip and head and just rolled over. I think that I was more shocked and excited than we was…as he scared himself and started crying.

Focus: Jordan loves anything with lights; he sometimes just stares at the lights. He does follow me around the room and likes looking at the pictures in a book, if we have time to read to him.

Hearing: Jordan definitely knows my voice, if someone is holding him and I say something then he will turn his head towards me. He also recognises Tim’s voice. Jordan pulls the cutest face when he hears a new sound…he cocks his head from side to side with a stunned look on his face.

Smiles: We get a lot more smiles these days…just this morning I walked into his room and said good morning and was greeted with a cute smile and a gurgle. He will smile to anyone that is talking to him. But he reserves his cutest smiles for us.

Speech: Jordan loves to talk, right this minute he is in his cot, babbling away. He will talk to us and we will mimic him back but he prefers to be on his own and sing out aloud for the whole house to hear. The other morning I was woken up to loud babbling rather than crying…which in itself is a great achievement. The most active time his either straight after a feed or after a poo. He likes to sing and babble his praises of a job well done in soiling his nappy.

Feeding: As you all know I’ve struggled with feeding him, knowing when to increase his formula, but I think that we have finally doing ok. Jordan will go 5-6 hours at night and 3-4 hours during the day, between feeds. He is not throwing up as much and he settles right down after the feed. At night he drinks 180ml’s and during the day it is between 150-180ml’s. Eyes: I think that Jordan will have Tim’s eye colour, they have changed to a light blue and they appear to be getting lighter. I don’t know if they will stay this way.

Sleeping: We are lucky very lucky, Jordan has always slept really well at night. Last night he woke after 4 hours, I put the dummy in thinking that it might settle him for an hour or so but he slept another 3 hours….yes he went 7 hours between feeds last night… During the day he is not too bad, he seems to catnap a lot an hour here, then a little play then another hour there. There are still times where I will let him sleep on me, when I know he has not slept enough during the day.

Half the time I let him sleep on me; for my own comfort and not his. I love cuddling this little boy of ours and the most cherished times are when he is sleeping on me.

Crying: Jordan has developed some new cries, they are definitely new ones. We still have the hungry demanding, ear bleeding cries, we still have the tired half arsed one. The other morning I brought Jordan into our room and Tim sneezed whilst Jordan was snoozing, this was the first time we heard the scared…surprised cry. Tim was so upset, I caught him wiping his eyes after we had settled him again.

There is also the chin wobble cry…it starts with a chin wobble then a pouted mouth, moving onto a frown followed with a high pitch whine that moves onto a cry….this one always breaks our hearts as it means that he is sad, hurt or really upset. Not pissed off…the pissed of screech does not break our hearts. Oh and we now have tears…oh how I hate those tears…

I still sometimes ask Tim if this little boy is ours, and pinch myself all the time. It is hard for me to believe that Tim and I created this cute little boy. I feel blessed and honoured to have been given this dream. I cherish each and every day. I’m not that religious but as of late, I find myself thanking God for this little miracle known as my son. 

Bath Tub

The following is a lesson on how to fill a baby’s bath tub with water. There are many ways this task can be competed and here are a few:

1) First you add the baby bath solution, I recommend the “Johnson’s baby bedtime bath”. Then you fill the water with one bucket of cold water and one bucket of hot. This will create the optimum temperature for the bath along with nice bubbles. Of course however you will not be able to wash the babies face as the water already contains the soap.

2) Another option is to first fill the bath tub with water, using the same method of one bucket cold water and the second bucket with hot water. By adding in the bath solution after the water is in the tub you will not have a nice bubble bath affect.

3) This is my preferred approach to filling in the bath tub, first I fill the bath tub with cold water and then I gradually add in the hot water all the while measuring the temperature. I prefer that my babies bath water be between 38°C and 40°C.

4) I have also been known to fill the bath tub by first working out the optimum temperature of the water and then running it into the bath.


I hope that you all enjoyed my little lesson on filling a bath tub with water, I’m sure that there are many different ways of completing this task.

But if anything this post just really illustrates how different parenting styles can differ between a husband and a wife, for example, when feeding I prefer to burp Jordan 3 times during a feed and this works for me. Tim waits until Jordan takes a break from the bottle to burp him.

Another example is if Jordan is unsettled I will let him cry for a little while, until he is very upset and then I simply go into his room, let him know Mummy loves him and give Jordan the dummy…and he falls to sleep. Tim prefers to let Jordan “cry it out” until he falls asleep. I can’t do that…it breaks my heart when Jordan has tears…I hate the tears.

Tim believes that I let Jordan get away with everything and that I’m over protective and I sometimes think that Tim is a little too harsh with Jordan.  

Confrontation

I had to do it, there was no avoiding it this time. It took a lot out of me to finally say “No more it is enough!”

My sister has been spending up big on JJ, even while pregnant we were receiving gifts constantly. Every time I saw her there was something new and while we appreciated each and every purchase it became a joke and I felt like there was an agenda behind the “presents”.

It turned out that there was an agenda. About 2 weeks before JJ was born my sister and Ellie came over for a visit and yet again she had another gift, I can’t remember what it was but we thanked her kindly and asked her to stop. The conversation turned to the Christening (of my yet unborn son), she was desperate to know the details…who would be coming, when we would hold the event, which church and where the lunch would be…and of course who would be the God Parents.

Tim and I had already decided that Ellie would be JJ’s God mother and his best friend would be the God Father. This did not go down well with my sister…she was itching to have the privilege…and I knew deep in my heart that this was the reason for all the gifts. This may sound harsh but wait there is more to the story.

The next day I received and phone call from my brother in law…saying “how dare I ask Ellie to be the God mother, as she is underage”. My family it seems believe that a request to be a Religious God mother automatically means that I’m asking people to be the Legal Guardian in case something happens.

My Brother in law then went onto say that my sister had noticed that all the gifts that we had received from them have been thrown away. It seems as though my sister was snooping around JJ’s room and because I had packed away a few things, she automatically assumed that I threw them away. Or…or..wait for this…she was stiring the pot as she was pissed that I hadn’t asked her to be JJ’s God mother.

In the hospital we received yet more gifts from my sister, this time Tim kindly but forcefully said “Thankyou …blah…we appreciate all the gifts, but please no more”. Tim and I worked out recently that she would’ve spent over $800 on JJ and we feel uncomfortable with the constant purchases.

So today she turned up with yet another plastic bag with her latest purchase for JJ. I refused to accept the gift, wouldn’t even look in the bag. She tried to force it into Tim’s hands but he too refused it. She then placed the bag into JJ’s room, where I removed it and gave it straight to Ellies hand, telling my sister that we had explained that whilst the thoughts and gifts were appreciated..we had asked her NOT to buy anything else. Her response was what is she going to do with the baby stuff. I replied that Ellie can take it back to the store for a refund and then she can purchase herself some thing.

I haven’t had to be a bitch like this towards my sister but it seems that since JJ has been born I’ve finally grown the balls to stick up for my convictions, and you know what….it felt good and I was really proud of myself.

6 Weeks

Jordan will be 6 weeks old tomorrow and I can’t imagine where the time has gone! Do I feel like a mother…no not really..but then what is a mother meant to feel like. Do I feel like Jordan and I have bonded? Yes, I’m lucky as I have a photo of the exact moment when I fell in love with my little boy..it is this one…he is a few hours old and it was the first time he looked at me.


The last day or so I have found myself kind of grieving…yes grieving…my little boy is growing so fast, his cheeks are nice and chubby and I’ve noticed that his clothes are getting a bit too small for him…he is currently still in size 0000, while some are still big there are a few jumpsuits (rompers) that I will have to pack away in the next week or so. The prospect of packing away his tiny little clothes is what is making me grieve, I want to cherish this time and remember how tiny he is.

Yet..and yet there is a part of me that is excited to have him grow and I also long for the day where he is sitting and can play a little more. Or finish a story book, currently I can only read a few pages until he gets bored and falls asleep or he starts fretting.

I’ve been kind of MIA over the last few weeks because I’ve been trying to introduce a routine…one dictated by me and not Jordan. There are some good days and bad days.

I tried the “demand and supply” routine with the feeds and Jordan was all over the place, drinking 150ml’s at one point then two hours later drinking only 50 ml’s. So I decided to try and stretch Jordan out to 4 hourly breaks between each feed, then offering him 150ml’s. It works sometimes and other times he demands a feed after 3.5 hours but will drink the lot. So we compromise.

I want to share some of the lessons that I have learnt over the last 6 weeks, they are not world changing but they may help someone else in a similar situation.

The most important lesson I have learnt is to follow my instinct…my gut instinct. After the Health Care Nurse suggested we change formula’s to a ‘Gold’ version I noticed that Jordan was a times very unsettled. He seemed to be in pain. I asked her a few times if we should change formula’s but she didn’t advise it as he was happily putting on weight.

Last week I decided to change to one that is advertised to be easier to digest and after 2 days I have a much happier Jordan. I was granted my first real smile this morning. He no longer wakes up screaming with his knees to his chest in pain and he no longer cries when I’m feeding him. But I feel so guilty that I didn’t follow my gut instinct before now.

The next lesson I have learnt is that if I need to sit down and hold my child while he sleeps then that is what I need to do and I’m not spoiling him nor ruining him by letting Jordan sleep on my lap cradled in my arms.

Persisting with the bath routine at “bed time” has paid off big time…after Jordan goes to sleep at the end of the day he has a good 5 to 5.5 hour break between feeds. I believe that it has everything to do with the bath lotion we use, massage, routine, songs and the clothes he wears to bed.

I also need to admit something, lay it out for the whole web to read. My son has me firmly wrapped around his little finger. He cries for a little bit and I go and check up on him. I have had to resort to letting him “cry it out” but I hate it and I don’t last as long as Tim does. But if Jordan gives me a little smile or reacts to my voice in anyway (like he did just now) then I’m willing to lay down anything at his feet… 

Intentions

When I first started this blog the intention was for me to work through all my infertility crap, a way to help deal with the emtional rollercoaster. The intention was to also show this blog to my child one day..for him / her to read and understand our journey to become parents.

I'm trying not change this blog into a "baby news" blog, but honestly it is hard not to. I can't really write about infertility and the injustice of it now, as I'm so far removed from trying for a baby it is not funny. I can't talk about the treatments, the blood test results and try to analyse the numbers and what they mean.

Jordan takes up so much of my thoughts these days and I have posts rattling around my head but am concious about posting them as I don't want to drive readers away because all I can talk about is him....I mean how can I not talk about him...he is so very beautiful!

Could it be??

On my last visit with the Health Care nurse I was asked if I was still bleeding. I mentioned to her that it seemed to have gone away but has come back and I had assumed that it was still related to the birth / pregnancy.

But then she mentioned that it most likely be my period…needless to say I burst out in fits of laughter…my period…your kidding right? She was shocked with my out burst and yet again I had to explain my infertility status…of PCOS and irregular periods.

Perhaps your body will be different after the birth was her response…yeah unlikely to happen unless my ovaries have decided not to have cyst and unless my body has decided to handle all the hormone correctly.

But part of me has to wonder…could I really have my period…could my body be working correctly…a period without the use of fertility meds to bring it on…sound unnatural to me…

Another face of JJ

This one is the drunk of milk face!!

The Many faces of JJ

This one is a goo / gah face!

We call this one the Pop-eye face...he always makes this face when he is searching for the bottle with his mouth...


This is the pissed off face! So cute! JJ new trick is when holding him and he is pissed off, he arches his back and throws his head back and screams and screams...while mumy kisses his face!!


This is part action shot the tongue is going in and out and he is pretending to suck a bottle

Birth Announcement and Thankyou Card

I created this Birth Announcement and Thank you Card...let me know what you think!

This is also for all my blog friends..Thank you for being here in blog land when I needed you, Thank you sticking with me when I sometimes don't comment on your blog, thank you for welcoming my son into this world!

 

Stopping Time

I wish that I could just stop time and let me enjoy my tiny little boy…for just a little while, I’m not ready to look towards the future and make decisions about things. I want to cherish this time that I have, I know that I will need to make these decisions but I just want to be selfish and not think about them.

The Health Care Nurse left us with an enrolment form for Preschool, yes Preschool…Jordan was just 2 weeks old when we got this form. I have not even had a chance to look around our area as to where the Child Care Centres are…for when I return to work next year…let alone looking for a Preschool.

I understand that we live in Melbournes largest growth area…this is why we love living here, so many kids, so many new schools, children’s activities. But come on at 2 weeks old I need to give my top 3 preferences for preschool…now…Well I haven’t and I won’t until I feel fit enough to drive and check some of these places out.

Then there are the conversations about JJ Christening, when, where, who and how. Again I know that I need to make these decisions but would like sometime to 1) Heal physically from major surgery and 2) Cherish my little boy and 3) Get his feeding under control….or worked out.

I had to kindly tell a number of people to back off with the Christening plans. I also have a sneaking suspicions that the day of the Christening will be a disaster…it has already caused fights…My sis wants to be the God mother…I think that she almost expects it after all the ‘gifts’ (read bribes) that she has bought JJ. But Tim and I had decided long ago who would be the God parents to our child…before I was pregnant we knew.

My mother suggested I have the event in the hall near the church…but Tim and I want to hold it here and we didn’t want to make a big deal of the event…I mean JJ will not remember the day and it is a religious event rather than a huge party…But there are family / friend expectations..which Tim and I are fighting against.

Out the window

Coping?... Did I say that I was coping ok??? Well I'm happy to eat those words.

Let me paint the picture, again here I sit tapping at the keys on the keyboard one handed as JJ is in my arms. He was meant to feed at 5:30pm... and we managed 50 ml's before he started chocking and rejecting the bottle. Nappy change later...still not interested in our food.

He is now gooing and gahing away, at the sametime doing his head and neck exercises. It has really been a trying day and I'm questioning everything that we are doing ...are we playing with him too long...how the hell do I get him to sleep....but he is so cute...we have new facial expressions today and dare I say a small smile.

Ok now I'm going to try a bath....wish me luck!!

Tailored just for JJ

As a new mum you receive many different suggestions and advice from many different sources and it is difficult to work out which one is best for your child….actually difficult is too soft a word…how about strenuous, tiring, challenging and frustrating.

So I thought that if there are any new mum’s reading my blog that I would share JJ’s take on some of the advice….

Swaddling or wrapping

I was told in the hospital the wrap JJ’s arm in tight and swaddle him before putting him down to sleep. This worked all of three times until I realised that JJ loves having his hands out as he is constantly touching his face. So then I was shown how to wrap him with his arms out….again this was short lived as my little man loves to kick about and move around…hence why he was so active inside me.

So if you are told to swaddle or wrap your baby and you find that they are not so settled it could be because they like to move around…mine does and the first time I didn’t wrap him at all we had a 4 hour sleep at night….yes we went 4 hours.

Bathing

It is often said to be able to relax your child give them and nice warm soothing bath…..but this will not work if your child is hungry and this is the reason why they are unsettled.

Bath time continues to be an exercise that we have no real routine…we can’t seem to work out the ‘best’ time for a bath. JJ loves being in the water but the screaming before and after beats the whole purpose of the bath which is to relax him. JJ is currently being bathed every second day and the time of day differs…but I’m sure that it will all fall into place now and then.

Settling your baby with your hand on his chest.

My little son loves to be held and the best way I know how to settle him when he has cracked the shits…over a wet/dirty nappy or spewage or general shittiness, is to simply pick him up cradle him on my chest and pat his bum until he relaxes…no amount or tummy rubbing or holding his chest helps. He likes to be cuddled and this is just fine with me.

Dark room during the day

This was a suggestion from the Health Care Nurse, it makes no difference for our little boy. During the day the curtains could be flapping in the wind, shut or open…JJ really does not care. We do have the radio going from morning until about 5-6pm…the radio really does nothing either he would sleep with it off or on during the day, but we wanted to help him distinguish between day and night.

Times between feeds

This is something we all still struggle with, I don’t know why the ‘professionals’ tell you not to let your baby go longer than 4 hours between feeds during the day…but they do…and I hate waking him up…just for this rule.

When learning to breast feed you are told that the whole feeding thing is ‘demand and supply’…they demand and you supply. So why is it ok for a baby to go 3 hours between feeds yet if they wake up looking for another feed after 2 hours it is not ok….I just don’t get it and I hate making him wait for another feed if he is hungry…the screaming at times breaks my heart.

Most recently we have decided to stuff the ‘professionals and experts’ and go with the ‘demand and supply’ routine and with this decision we have a child that mostly feeds every 3 hours, sometimes 2.5 hours and sometimes 4 hours between feeds. JJ is now on 100ml’s of new formula and has 8 bottles a day.

Not too bad...but not all that good

After a bad night...I find myself sitting here blogging with a sleeping baby in my arms....trying to keep him asleep until his next feed....why did I never think that the soothing sounds of a PC running would help settle JJ...after all he did hear the tapping off the key board and the humming of the PC fan for 9 months.....or is this just a sign that my son will be a geek...like his parents??

Lessons Learnt

I’ve got so much to say about this whole experience that I find myself typing when ever JJ is asleep. There are a few things that we have learnt since being at home that I don’t want to forget.

Advice…

The best advice that I’ve received so far was from Em…(thank you, you will never know how much it has helped). Em suggested that each morning I get dressed and do my hair and look after myself. By doing this small task, I at least face the day as a human and not some slob. So I no longer waste the day in my PJ’s and I don’t feel the need to do so.

The worst advice we have received was from a Midwife and the Health Care nurse, they both told us not to hold JJ whilst he is sleeping and we don’t often, but there are times when I don’t want to put him down and I just cuddle him until he wakes up. I don’t think at this stage of his life I’m spoiling him by holding and cuddling him.

Down sides

Lack of sleep and working out whether or not he is receiving enough food and trying to get into a routine. Going by the statistics based on JJ’s weight, he should only be eating 56ml’s of formula per feed. We have noticed that this is not enough to sustain him and he is hungry again either straight away or after a short nap. So we increased his feed to 60ml’s we had a satisfied baby for a feed, then we decided to try 70ml’s after sucking the bottle dry and trying to suck more. Tim suggested we offer him 100ml’s and see what he drinks, and he drank 80ml’s.

The Health Care nurse did suggest that we change formula’s as the one we are using does not have a lot of calories and JJ has not really put on weight, since being at home. With the 80ml feeds we now have a baby that sleeps 3 to 3.5 hours in-between and a much happier baby. But this increase in amount of formula weighs on my mind and I can’t help but worry about the reason for why he needs so much more than what is recommended for his weight.


Up sides

His play time, we are hearing more little noises and seeing JJ trying to mimic our facial expressions is just priceless.

Overall..

This whole experience….if anything….has brought Tim and I much closer, we have both surprised each other with how we are coping with everything and there are times where we both feel that we are not coping at all. But then Tim will surprises me by getting up in the middle of the night changes, feeds and resettles JJ without even waking me.

One thing that I still have to learn….and this lesson will be very hard…that is not to be such a baby hog….I have to back off and let Tim have some quality time with his son and not just take over.

Hospital Stay

Day 1 (Tuesday)

There is not much that I can really remember of the first day. What I do remember is Tim saying that he was going home to get some sleep and that he would be back in the afternoon, but then he turns up after breakfast and a shower. Then next thing I remember is seeing Tim just cuddling JJ. I was naturally dozing throughout the whole morning and afternoon.

We did have a number of visitors that day and I was grateful for all the gifts we received, what I was really grateful for was my husband with me the whole day.

The catheter was removed that night and I was able to get up and move around, I know only 12 hours after surgery I was up and moving with a lot of pain but I did it.

That night JJ stayed with me and we had a few goes on the breast and a few nappy changes, but I don’t remember too much of that night.

Day 2 (Wednesday)

First shower on my own….boy there is nothing like having a shower to make you feel more normal. This was the first day where I distinctly remember falling in love with my new little man. It was after a feed and he was all dopey eyed looking at my face…it was the first time I clearly saw his beautiful blue eyes.

I could not believe that he was mine and that we had created him. It was also the day that the drain tube was removed, I hated carrying that thing around with me.

The breast feeding thing was not going too well, but slowly we were both learning how to deal with each other. Thank God for the night time midwifes at one stage A checked up on me (A was the lady who hosted the breastfeeding class and I felt that I already ‘knew’ her), and asked how I was going. I remember telling her that I was sick of breast feeding, as at that point JJ was on my left breast for almost an hour without settling. She convinced me to offer JJ my finger for him to suck on and pat his bum in the rhythm of a heart beat.

After half an hour, nothing too much had changed and she then convinced me to trust her with my baby and leave him with her whilst I slept. God bless A for this as I was able to sleep for 4 hours straight and my baby was very well looked after.

Day 3 (Thursday)

This was the first day I wore ‘normal’ clothes and received a room mate for the morning. In the afternoon I was moved to a private room with a double bed, the room was more like hotel room than a hospital room.

It was a day that I was a little worried about, the third day blues and my breast milk coming in…or as it was supposed to. But it was a walk in the park no baby blues and no milk. At this point I was a little worried and my JJ was very yellow…a slight case of jaundice.

It was a day full of stress though, a visit from my in laws saw me telling my MIL to back off and leave my milk supply (or lack there of) alone. JJ at this point had decided to crack it big time and I was struggling to attach him with my MIL and FIL (yes breast hanging out and my FIL is in the room with my boy screaming his head off) in the room.

A visit from the Pediatric Doctor to confirm that JJ did have a slight case of jaundice and that my milk supply may not be helping him. It was prescribed that I breast feed him 15 minutes on each breast then ‘top him up’ with 20ml’s of formula then I was to go onto the breast pump to express. I was to do this every three hours.

It was torture, it was horrendous and it was down right devastating doing this every three hours. I was not able to express more than a tea spoon from both breasts combined….yes that’s right a tea spoon.

That night JJ was again taken away from me to the nursery where in between a feed he was given an extra 30ml’s of formula because he was screaming.

Day 4 (Friday)

With more sleep I woke in the morning full of confidence that all my efforts would help me breast feed and bring on my milk supply. All the midwives were convinced that it would come in. I did get used to all the strange women poking my breasts to feel if they were harder…but no nothing different.

Feeding every three hours did take it’s toll on me and I was so grateful for Tim being there in the afternoon to help…the pump kept on getting worse and the ‘top up’s’ kept on getting larger in volume.

The jaundice test result showed that JJ was not getting better and this was the third day where his poor little heel was pricked for the blood test. A complication with my private health insurance determined that JJ was not covered and to have JJ put under the UV light he would need to be admitted into the hospital as a patient….and I would possibly out of pocket…the Pediatrician determined not to admit him due to the insurance complication.

I was a mess that day, blubbering on the phone to the insurance company begging them to try to fix the problem….in the end it was resolved but it was too late to have JJ put under the UV light.

This was the day I felt like a failure as a mother, my milk was not in and I really wanted to give up on the whole breast feeding thing. But the midwives convinced me to preserver….so I did and finally worked out a position where the attachment didn’t hurt.

Day 5 (Saturday)

A whole day with Tim there to support me with looking after JJ. Tim was worked Wednesday to Friday, so I only really had his help in the evenings, this was the situation as Tim had only just started working with the company.

Not much really happened this day that is of note…although I was stressing about the whole feeding situation and I hated waking JJ up every three hours to feed, it wore on both of us.

I can’t remember which day it was but I did feel and over whelming feeling of guilt. Yes guilt, I could not get over the fact that I was a little disappointed that JJ was a boy…I don’t think that I can bring myself to forgive that disappointment…here was this precious little boy that was so tiny and small and Tim and I had created…how could I have been anyway disappointed.

That night I was caught sobbing over my child whilst ‘topping him up’ the midwife A was on again and she caught me having a mushy moment…The over whelming love I felt for this child blew me away…it continues to do so…

Most afternoon’s you can catch me sitting next to him whilst he is sleeping and I will be sobbing….just because I love this child so much.

Day 6 (Sunday)

I was woken but a Midwife that took a while to get to know…she said something that got me thinking…she mentioned that my hormone levels would change in the next few days and that my milk would most likely come in then. First thing that I thought was “Since when does my body ever deal with hormones properly”.

A very long discussion started and I mentioned my medical history of PCOS and fertility treatment to conceive JJ. The room became very quiet and you heard they giant penny drop. Midwife (M) jumps up and screams hallelujah. …well not really but with PCOS there is a potential of difficulties with breast feeding and by this stage JJ was being topped up with 50ml’s of formula after being on the both breast for half an hour.
The relief was instantaneous…there was a medical reason why I could not sustain my son. I was not a ‘failure’ as a mother, I was encouraged to continue with breast feeding and topping him up, but I secretly stopped putting JJ on my breasts that day.

It was the first day where I enjoyed feeding my baby and it was also the first day that I had a ‘happy’ baby who slept properly and we loved being together. It was also my last full day in the hospital.

Day 7 (Monday)

Home day and relief day…I was looking forward to starting my life at home with my new little family. It took us longer to leave the hospital than we wanted to but in the end we arrived home.

All in all I suppose I’m painting my hospital stay as a bit grim but honestly it was not as bad as I’ve made out. The whole breast feeding thing now over shadows my stay and I do not feel at all disappointed with giving up the breast. It was not getting us anywhere, JJ and I were both unhappy with the situation. I also know that I gave it my best shot and till this day I have not been able to express more than a tea spoon, before or after a feed.

The midwives at this hospital are a very special bunch and I’m grateful for all the support and help that was provided, after being away and home now for 6 days, I should’ve taken advantage of their support more, but I hated not having JJ with me.

Photo's of JJ

He is 2 days old here and we are in the hospital...





First day at home and we are 7 days old...



This is the most recent photo, taken yesterday just after a feed....we heard a new sound and look at the surprise on JJ's face!!

The Birth Story

The Birth story

You’ll have to forgive me if it is all over the place as I’m going by memory here. After I posted on Monday I went back to my bedroom and Tim suggested that I call the hospital with my condition. The midwife suggested that I last out until my OB appointment and then let him make the decision on when to come in, it was too early in the ‘labour’ part to go into the hospital.

My appointment was schedule for 10:30am, I mentioned to the receptionist that I was in the midst of having contractions, but there were 2 women before me, so I had to sit in the waiting room, dealing with the pain. Then of course as usually happens Dr OB was called away to deliver a baby. When I did finally get to see the midwife I was told, not to go home but go straight to the hospital for an assessment from the OB.

We didn’t even have our bags with us, I was not prepared for going straight to the hospital, I had assumed that I would go home and deal with the pain until it really started getting regular…but oh no…that was not the case.

Assessment done, 1 cm dilated and he decided to break my waters ‘to get this labour going properly’. Throughout the rest of the time I was in there I was constantly told by this guy that “I was not in proper labour”. Waters broke…no pain but boy was it a weird feeling, like a gush of hot water that you have no control over.

I remember him commenting that he didn’t like the colour of the water…at this point I was staring into Tim’s eyes telling him not to look down there in Hungarian….over and over…don’t look….don’t look….don’t look. Bobim had done a poo in my uterus…so I was put on a monitor. Not the way I wanted to deal with labour pains as I wanted to be able to walk around.

Waters broke at 12pm…contractions started that morning at 2:49am. I was then informed by Dr OB that he would not be available to deliver this baby between 5pm and 11pm as he had a prior commitment but his partner was on call. I was also informed that he would be back at 4pm.

Tim and I settled into a dizziness of pain, panting and TV watching. I was also not allowed to eat anything. 4pm comes and no real change, contractions very irregular, but stronger. He takes one look at that monitor and says baby is doing fine and you still are not in labour. I will be back at 11pm.

Again the hours seem to blur into dealing with the pain and TV watching, at some point I convinced the midwife to allow me to stand instead of sit and move around a bit. At one point I was put to bed to try to relax and get some sleep, the contractions died away to 20 minutes apart. Standing was the best position but it was also very tiring.
11pm comes and by this time I’ve dealt with 3 different midwifes, they got nicer as the time went on. We get a phone call from Dr OB telling us that he would not be able to come in for some hours as he was called away to another hospital for an emergency caesarean. At this point I lost it…I started crying and telling the midwife how disappointed I was in him and felt like I was not that important. By this stage, even if he thought that I was not in proper labour I was dealing with pain constantly and I wanted this baby out.

Sleeping tablet and panadol were prescribed to me at this point…I was not given anything stronger as I’m allergic to codeine. I was never offered Gas, pathadine or an epidural I guess because everyone felt that I was still in the early first stage of labour. Tim was also sent home at this point to get some sleep.

Dr OB would be back at 5am. I was able to sleep in between the contractions but woke everytime I had one, at this stage I’m in bed and I didn’t care for breathing quietly, I moaned like I was a cow, I wanted the whole hospital to know that I was in real fucking pain, even though the ‘professionals’ didn’t think so.

2:40am I hear Dr OB voice out side the room, he sticks his head in and tells me that he has another delivery next door, but wanted to check on my progress. An internal was done and I was 3cm dilated, this gutted me. After 24 hours of dealing with this pain I was only 3cm gone….7cm left.

His plan was to then let me go until 7am when they would give me a drip to help progress the labour along. An IV needle was put into my wrist. I was in disbelief that he wanted me to just continue along for god knew how long.

Then he was called away as the lady next door was delivering her baby…I heard everything…her moans, screams and worse of all the baby’s first cries. I then sobbed and sobbed, here I was over 12 hours in that room working through the pain the best way I knew how, whilst strapped to a machine and this lady waltz’s in and has her baby before I do…to me life was not fair.

The midwife came in and took one look at me, comforted me and then went and spoke to Dr OB. Time was then 3:00am, when he came back in and spoke to me about surgery, I asked him if there was any chance of surgery and he said sure there was a chance but he would not be available until 1pm that afternoon.

In shock I sat there and half listened to his ramblings about scheduled surgeries…where I didn’t give a fuck about anyone else, I was struggling and I couldn’t make it through to the end, I was tired and frantic to have Bobim out. Then next thing I remember him saying was that he wouldn’t get any sleep as it was that night and that he could call everyone and get them in for the surgery now….I think that I started begging him….please now….right this minute.

I called Tim back into the hospital and within 45 minutes everyone was in the hospital and I was being wheeled into theater. Honestly I was never more happier to know that I was not going to suffer another 5 to 7 hours longer.

Hearing our son cry was just amazing, hearing him cough and spew was frightening. After the event it became apparent that I would’ve never been able to deliver my son naturally as he was stuck on my pelvic bone and they had to use forceps to remove him.

I look at him now and do not regret the decision I made to beg for surgery. The pain of recovery is nothing to the thought of having to deal with the pain of labour longer. I have surprised myself and Tim about how I’ve dealt with the pain of recovery.

It was the start

Monday morning a week ago was the start of a very long and tiring journey.

I'm happy to announce the birth of Jordan Jared Sebestyen, who was born on the 15th August at 4:50 am weighing in at 2.72kg (5.99 pounds) length of 51cm, delivery through an emergency c-section.

We are home now as you can guess...

How am I? Well I don't think that anything could have prepared me for the emotions of the last week. At times I feel as though I have things under control but mostly I'm over whelmed with the inadequateness of my skills as a Mother.

Tim and I are in awe of him, we can't believe that we made something so precious and whom we love so much....

Birth story to follow...

Here are some photo's:

****Updated*****

Sorry about no photo's but am having a lot of problems with uploading photo's to this blog...if any of you have any suggestions please let me know..

Oh and thank you for all your warm wishes...

I wonder

Is this the actual time??? I’ve been up since about 2:49am with contractions, but they seem irregular…oh hang on here comes one now…...ok first one that I’ve timed lasted about 30 seconds…now I just have to figure out how to time the contractions and the duration between them.

I’ve come to the back of the house to try to give my husband a break and let him sleep. Why?? Well I’m not convinced that this is the real thing and Tim is staying home to take me to the OB appointment this morning, and if it isn’t the real deal he will be going off to work….so I don’t want him too tired.

I don’t think that this is the real deal as I’ve had no sign of any ‘show’ at all…well that is not…..(oh hang on another one….again 30 seconds, now timing in between them….I’m so glad that my mobile has a stop watch on it)..where was I? Oh yes I had a little blood yesterday when I went to the toilet….like a tiny membrane that was bright red colour…and now whilst wiping….red smudges, so I don’t know what to think.

As I’ve no hope of sleeping I decided to have a shower and wash my hair and then put a pad on and blog about what I’m going through…ok 4 minutes apart….I just checked my chart and was timing them incorrectly…I’ve got to start timing from the start of a contraction to the start of the next one…

My cats are wondering what I’m doing walking around this house at this hour, I think that they expect to get fed…Mitzu is right here rubbing in between my legs to get my attention….She has to realize that I’m kind of busy having contractions and trying to time them…

I’ve got to wonder….is today your Birthday Bobim?

Confession time again

For some reason I find the need to confess some things that I would normally keep to myself. But not only do I feel compelled to confess to my husband but I also feel the need to confess here.

Number 1)

The sharps bin is still here and I have every intention of getting rid of it on Tuesday.

Number 2)

I’m loving day time TV, I have my TV watching all scheduled from about 11am in the morning till Tim comes home from work.

Number 3)

Most recently I have spent the majority of the day in my PJ’s and I’m loving it. I’m sitting here now in them and if I could I would stay like this all day. Nothing too bad about this confession so far, but what I’m neglecting to mention is that when I know Tim is coming home from work that is the time that I get changed. Part of me feels ashamed that I’m still in my PJ’s.

Number 4)

I’m a bit scared about driving around now, the other day I went for a little shopping trip and I think that I ran a red light. I scared myself so much that I had to pull over for a few minutes to calm myself down. How did it happen? Well I was day dreaming about nothing that I can remember, and I feel so lucky that I wasn’t involved in a car accident. I’m now waiting for the fine to come through. I confessed this to Tim who is now very worried about me driving anywhere.

Number 5)

I’ve started screening the phone calls at home, letting them go to the answering machine when I’m more than capable to answer the phone. I’m avoiding my in-laws and my sister. I have the same conversation with my sister everytime she calls and the pressure of these few simple words are just too much to handle “I was wondering if I could POP in”. FUCK….how I hate those words.

I can’t think of anymore….and reading back over them I feel a bit silly that they are playing on my mind but I do feel better now that they are out of my system.

38 weeks

WOW I can’t believe that I’ve made it this far, I’m getting really excited now. The OB appointments are now weekly and this week the OB was a little worried about my blood pressure, being higher than it has been throughout the pregnancy.

Normally my blood pressure has been 140/75 but on Monday it was 150/100. It took him 5 goes to get the reading he wanted, but he didn’t seem too concerned as my urine sample was fine and I have NO fluid retention. Plus I see him again this coming Monday.

I’m now putting weight that I’ve lost back on at an alarming rate. In the last week alone I put on 2 kg. Altogether I had lost 12kg throughout this pregnancy and if I continue to put some of it back on then by the birth (that is, if I make it to 40 weeks) I will have only lost 5kg.

Tim seems to think that the weight I’m putting on now is baby and amniotic fluid and not my weight. But all I know is that at time when getting out of bed it feels as though my uterus is going to rip open…that is how heavy I feel.

Sleeping continues to be an issue in this house for all three of us. We all go to bed wondering what the night will entail, some nights I sleep ok, still waking every hour to two hours for a toilet break but I’m able to fall asleep straight away. Other nights Tim sleeps in the spare room as I’m snoring too much. Then there are nights like last night where I’m up walking around with Braxton hick contractions for 2 and a half hours.

I’ve even started needing to have a midnight snack, my tummy starts rumbling so loud that Tim wakes up and gets me something to eat. Perhaps this is why I’m putting weight back on.

I’m very proud of what my mother and I have achieved here in the last few weeks. The house is almost all organised, I find something new to do all the time. We’ve frozen the following meals, each container holds two servings:
- Spaghetti Bolognese x 2
- Hungarian Chicken stew x 3
- Hungarian tomato meat balls x 1
- Beef stroganoff Hungarian style x 2
- Hungarian Goulash x 3
- Chicken soup x 3

Next week we plan of cooking and freezing vegetable soup and I may make some more tomato meat balls. There are some new recipes that I’ve learnt to make from Anyu being here, but mostly we take advantage of cooking up big portions so that there is enough to freeze and eat that day and the next.

I’m sure that once Bobim is here I will be even more grateful that we took the time to prepare all this food.

Confessions from an Infertile

I’ve been putting this off, I didn’t want to do it, but now I think that it is time to face facts and not put it off any longer. I have to do it, there is no reason to keep it around any longer. It is just taking up space and gathering dust.

What is it…you may ask….it is the sharps bin. The bin that I once used to regularly discard empty vials of drugs, syringes and needles to help conceive this child that I’m carrying.

For a long time the bin was kept in the exact same place on the counter in our ensuite bathroom. I moved it to the cupboard when I was about 14 weeks pregnant, perhaps I should’ve taken care of the bin then, but for some reason I kept onto it.

When I cleaned that part of the house, I calmly took the bin and box out, threw away the empty wrappers away and then neatly packed the needles, labels, alcohol wipes and mixing syringe back into the box and put it all away along with the bin. I even wiped the bin down of dust, instead of closing it off and taking it to the pharmacy to be disposed off properly.

I don’t know why I’m hanging onto this bin, it is not like I can use it again when and if we start trying for another child. It is full, there is a red line that you should not go above.

“It’s time to go sharps bin”, but why is it so hard to let go of something that I should be happy about?

So far this week

This will be the first week since leaving work that I have done exactly what I wanted to do….which is absolutely nothing….sleep in, read in bed, stay in my PJ’s all day, watch day time TV, watch DVD’s, surf the net…shop on line.

But the main thing that I’m so happy to be doing is playing house wife. I may not clean all day actually the house could do with a bit of a clean, but the laundry is done and ironed and put away and I cook dinner every night. This is what I wanted to be doing…getting back to basics.

I haven’t left the house since Sunday…unless to take the garbage out…and I don’t plan on leaving the house to go anywhere until tomorrow and even then I may change my mind.

I love my parents dearly and my mother had helped me so much since they have been back that I do feel a little guilty about the recent post. I don’t feel guilty for having this week to myself. Friday will mark 5 weeks that I’ve been off work and not everday was taken up by activities but it sure felt like I was in a rush to get everything done.

Emails from work have people asking me if I’m bored yet…tired of this pregnancy…you know the sorts of questions. How can I be bored yet when I haven’t had the time to be bored?

As for being tired of this pregnancy…what I am struggling with is the pain….pain when sleeping on either side for too long, the pain of trying to get up. The pain when my bladder is a little full and now the pain in my lower back. Staying active helps, getting up and moving around relieves the pain, at night instead of the 5 steps to the ensuite I now walk down to the other end of the house to go to the toilet to at least get some movement.

But things could be worse, on Monday I had another OB appointment where I saw a lady from the prenatal classes and she can not wear any shoes, her feet, hands and face are swollen and she is only a few days ahead of me. I met another lady at the Breastfeeding class I had on Friday and she has constant back pain and can only sleep sitting up.

So I guess that I’m quite lucky that all I have to deal with is a bit of pain when trying to sleep.

Dear Bobim

Today marks the first day of the month of August 2006, it also marks the month that we will hopefully finally meet you and our lives will no longer be the same.

I’m getting really excited to meet you, my dreams of you are getting more vivid and I think about you all the time. I’ve also taken to announcing your movements out aloud at night as Daddy wants to know.

You are still very active and not an hour goes by with out me feeling some type of movement. You have also moved into the middle of my tummy and my baby belly is lower than it was last week.

Ellie was feeling my tummy the other day and she commented on how my tummy feels like I’ve been working out as it is so tight. We all can now definitely feel where you bum and legs are.

Mamma loves to rub my tummy and she also has started kissing her hand before she rubs, to try to convey how much she already loves you through the skin.

I have now packed our bags and your bed is ready. Your cars seats are being installed on Saturday…yes you have two car seats one for my car and the other for Daddies car. You now have two prams, one for walking with Ruppy around at home and the other for when we go shopping.

You also have a portable bed that Mamma wants to have permanently fixed at her house…but we will see. There are still a few little things that we want to buy for you but they can wait, but knowing me I’m sure that they will be bought before you are born, that is if we have time.

I was blown away by all the little presents that you received for our relatives in Hungary. They are also getting excited about hearing our news.

I must admit that part of me is a little scared about your birth; Daddy is aware of how scared I am and constantly says that I will be ok. But having had someone say this to you and then believing it, is a different thing altogether.

Even though I may write about how scared I am about your birth the excitement of meeting you being able to give you a kiss a cuddle and generally learning all your features over rides any real fear that I have.

Daddy and I have discussed the names that we may give you and we have finally decided to wait to see what you look like before announcing your name to the world.

Looking forward to meeting you this month.

Lots of love your very pregnant Mummy!!

It was the start or so I thought...

Last night was the start of the end of this pregnancy…or so I thought. At about 12:30 I started getting period like pains that extended towards my lower back. Up I got walked around a bit and went to the toilet. Bladder relieved I thought nothing more of it until about 5-7 minutes I got a shock of the same pain.

I was able to work through the pain for about half an hour in bed before need to get up and walk around and breathing. I almost wrote this post last night, I was certain that it was labour and not Braxton hicks and I was getting excited that it may have meant Bobims Birth-day.

After about another half an hour I went back to bed and tossed and turned every time the pain struck or got up and walked around. At one stage here I am at the end of the bed moving my hips side to side and Tim gets up for a visit to the toilet. I turn to him in relief that the pain had subsided:

“Mimi, I love you”

grunt…

“I think that it is time”

“For what?”

“I’m having regular pains”

“You can’t be it is too early”

Right at that moment I felt very cheated, almost as though I was making this pain up! Perhaps I wanted him to just touch me and reassure me that he was in it with me but I did feel very alone.

In the end I fell asleep at 4am and the pains / cramps disappeared and it was a false alarm. But one that I’m grateful to have felt as now I know what I maybe in for. I just hope when the time is really here my husband won’t react the way he did last night.

Family and caves

So much has happened since I last wrote and not all of it is good. I received a few emails stating: “I hope that you are relaxing and not stressing and enjoying your time at home”.

HUH….now that is funny, I don’t think my family understands the meaning of the words relaxation and stress-free!! Here is a snapshot of my life with my family:
*) Dad in hospital with a suspect Angina attack…yet again
*) Dad out of hospital with a bad virus
*) Mum not being able to cope with Dad’s aggressiveness and who does she turn to??
*) Sister calling nearly every day wanting to ‘Pop’ in for a visit…read pop in for a snoop and gossip about parents
*) Sister and Ellie visit where sister demands I choose between her and my parents when inviting people for the christening of my child (who may I remind you is YET TO BE BORN)
*) BIL cracking it that I’ve asked Ellie to be the God Mother
*) Sister lies and says that I’ve thrown out all the ‘gifts’ (read bribes) from the babies room.

I could go on but I won’t has this it is not helping, I’m just getting more upset thinking about all the things that have been said and done during the last week and a bit.

I’ve not needed my cave of silence, blackness for a long time. I’ve been happy to be apart of the world, living life and dare I say looking forward to the future. But I feel the call of my cave more than ever. Locking myself away from the world or family and not having to deal with other peoples shit.

Perhaps I’ve had too high expectations on what this child would mean to my family….Happiness, joy and love... Was I wrong to expect this?

After so many years of trying, failing, miscarrying, crying, drugs, procedures, doctors and money, I only have 26 days left till this baby pops out and I would’ve thought that my family would be a little happy. But instead it is almost a daily event where me and mine are put on the back burner and I’m being forced to deal with other peoples shit. Whether it be jealousy, anger, disappointments or extreme expectations.

When is it my time to relax, enjoy the last few days of this pregnancy, and prepare for our life change and generally getting over the fear of the impending birth?

I deliberately left work early to enjoy this time at home and maybe it is my own expectations that were far out of reach. I had so much planned, wanted to do so much to prepare but I feel that my family thinks that they are entitled to my time now that there is more of it!

It has not been all that bad and I have achieved a few things off my list…right now though I feel very used and abused by my family. Even a bit hurt that my needs have been pushed aside for their crap, almost like their feelings are more important than mine.

Our bags

I had an OB appointment yesterday and all again is normal. I’m beginning to hate that word…NORMAL…it is a label that just doesn’t really sit well with me. My child should not be normal…he should be considered exceptional, above average, special even. But normal sounds to ordinary and part of me feels so guilty that I’m complaining about my child…this pregnancy being labeled as ‘normal’.

It is likely that Bobim will weight about 3-3.5 kg at birth, which the midwife announced is a ‘decent sized’ baby. Yet the baby books I read say that at 40 weeks Bobim should weigh that much.

I was advised to pack my bags, or at least start packing them. During the classes that we attended way back when…which atm feels like a long time ago. It was suggested that we should have our bags packed by 34 weeks. Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks and all I’ve done is pulled the bag out of the closet.

I’m reluctant to pack this bag….because….becasue it must mean that not only am I really going to have this baby…but ….but I will be bringing him home and….and …..and it means the ultimate long live dream is finally coming true……a baby….in this house….soon…..shit….and …and I’m going to be his Mummy.

I’ve put aside today to finally start packing and start a list of things that I still need to buy….but it is 1pm and I still haven’t started. I have the list from the hospital and a list that I’ve printed off EB. Am I tempting fate? Am I really this blessed? We want Bobim to bake for at least another six weeks should I really be packing now?

OK so I’ve packed his bag and I called my Mum in tears as I felt like such a fraud….is it normal to feel like this or is this a hang up from being infertile??

Bobim's Room

Here is what the room looked like before we started:





Walking past the room this morning on the way to the study to check up on Manuela’s impending beta results, I couldn’t believe how much we have done and completed. Here is what the room looks like now:






I often sneak in there during the day and just sit on the toy chest and look around in wonder. I feel I need to sneak in as part of me still feels that I have no right to have the furniture, toys, and baby clothes.

We decided that the walls would be a pale light green in colour and the door, window frames and the wardrobe would be a shade darker. The furniture colours are not all the same but we didn’t care. Some of the pieces we’ve had for over 10 years and some new.

The last thing that needs to be done is the curtains and it is doing my head in, the prices for professionally made and hung curtains are unbelievable. I’ve been quoted anywhere from a $600 to $1000. Yes just for curtains in a babies room. My mother has come to the rescue and has offered to make them for us.

My favourite part of the room is the book shelf, mainly because most of the items you see there were either mine or Tim’s when we were little. The ‘new’ things like the Potatoes heads were Tim’s doing. My husband went a little crazy a bought all these cute little toys…that our child will not be able to play with for a long time but Tim insisted that we have them.



I know when Tim goes into the room as you will hear a faint…tootoo sound coming from ‘Thomas’. We found a wooden train set in IKEA that was similar to the one Tim had when growing up and we could not leave the store without that in our hot little hands. The next day we went to at least 4 different toy stores looking for a small Thomas. My Mimi just loves trains and hopes that our child will love them too.





The light went up yesterday, when we saw it in the store we both squealed like children. Well ok I squealed he laughed, throughout this pregnancy I’ve loved anything and everything to do with BUGS, and to find a Bug riding an aeroplane was perfect for us.



So what do you think?

Nesting Mari style??

I don’t know if what I’m doing can be considered as ‘Nesting’ but there is an overwhelming compulsion to do the things that I’ve been up to.

Cooking

I’ve always loved to cook but felt that it was a chore. That doesn’t sound right, loving to do something but it is a chore….but you get my drift…hopefully! During the working week I was too tired and just plain lazy to cook proper meals. Or what I’ve been brought up to consider a ‘proper’ meal.

On the weekends I was lucky if I cleaned the house let alone cook for the week ahead. But now with all the time in the world, I’ve started cooking the meals that I grew up eating. I must admit that I am amazed that my mother was able to work a full time job and yet was able to cook the meals we had when we were growing up.

I wonder if this will continue once Bobim is here…most likely not but am hoping that by some slim chance that they may.

Cleaning

This is the part of my life that I feel an overwhelming feeling of compulsion to do and I was putting all this off until I was at home. My desire right now is to go through each room of my house and clean everything. From floors, walls, windows, furniture to cleaning out draws, cupboards and shelves.

Today I’ve planned to start with my bedroom and ensuite. My approach will be to tackle on room at a time, so I don’t over do it. The Salvos are going to receive a big bag of clothes that we don’t use anymore, I have to make sure that I deliver these clothes today otherwise my mother will screech and try to inherit them.

Mixed bag

Work

I’m done, I’ve finished up. The last week of work I only ended up working 3.5 days. I’ve spoken about the fever and the sickness so won’t go there again. On the Thursday there was a nice lunch at one of the restaurants close to work. 30 people from my department went, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want the fuss as I just wanted to leave without being noticed. It was nice and quick.

On the Friday the Project Manager that I had been working with for the last 2 years gave a nice speech, although I was totally unprepared for the reference to all the IF treatments and heart aches we went through to conceive and keep Bobim. I didn’t cry but it was very hard. My words back to the department were rushed and mumble. I think that I said something along the lines of “I’m looking forward to my new job of sleepless nights, crying baby and dirty nappies and see you all in a year”.

This is what we received from my colleagues:


Me

Friday night saw me have the worst night sleep ever….ever really? Yes ever! I couldn’t sleep lying down because of the wheezing and choking. Coughing had me throwing up most of the night. Tried to sleep sitting up but seemed to only manage maybe 3 hours total. At one point I was preparing to wake Tim to take me to the hospital. But decided to wait it out until the morning and see the GP again.

Diagnosis = Sever Bronchitis and if I had left it longer…possible pneumonia. So an on antibiotics and a puffer thing to help me cough up the shit in my lungs. I’m happy to report that I’m well on the way to recovery..not there yet but much better than I was.

Parents

My parents arrived home in the early hours of Wednesday morning…read midnight on Tuesday. I was woken yesterday morning to a phone call my mum to come over and take her to the Dr. She had a migraine from the anxiety and the trip. What a way to greet my parents…my mother throwing up and delirious. My Father with his arm so bruised it looks like something out of a horror movie. He had suffered a bad fall whilst overseas and didn’t want to tell me….cause I’m pregnant.

First week of freedom

From work? Freedom you have got to be kidding!!! I had Ellie and Tina with me from Sunday night till Tuesday and whilst I love them to death both of them here when I’m not feeling 100% was just a bit too much. But I didn’t feel that I could say no, plus part of me wanted them to be here.

Today is the first day that I’ve had to myself and just the simple task of doing the laundry this morning has given me a great deal of joy…go figure I know. But it is something that I’ve been wanting to do. This afternoon I plan on going to curtain places to organise quotes for Bobims room.

Speaking about Bobim’s room, I have a whole post with photo’s in the works to show you all what we have done.