So much has happened since I last wrote and not all of it is good. I received a few emails stating: “I hope that you are relaxing and not stressing and enjoying your time at home”.
HUH….now that is funny, I don’t think my family understands the meaning of the words relaxation and stress-free!! Here is a snapshot of my life with my family:
*) Dad in hospital with a suspect Angina attack…yet again
*) Dad out of hospital with a bad virus
*) Mum not being able to cope with Dad’s aggressiveness and who does she turn to??
*) Sister calling nearly every day wanting to ‘Pop’ in for a visit…read pop in for a snoop and gossip about parents
*) Sister and Ellie visit where sister demands I choose between her and my parents when inviting people for the christening of my child (who may I remind you is YET TO BE BORN)
*) BIL cracking it that I’ve asked Ellie to be the God Mother
*) Sister lies and says that I’ve thrown out all the ‘gifts’ (read bribes) from the babies room.
I could go on but I won’t has this it is not helping, I’m just getting more upset thinking about all the things that have been said and done during the last week and a bit.
I’ve not needed my cave of silence, blackness for a long time. I’ve been happy to be apart of the world, living life and dare I say looking forward to the future. But I feel the call of my cave more than ever. Locking myself away from the world or family and not having to deal with other peoples shit.
Perhaps I’ve had too high expectations on what this child would mean to my family….Happiness, joy and love... Was I wrong to expect this?
After so many years of trying, failing, miscarrying, crying, drugs, procedures, doctors and money, I only have 26 days left till this baby pops out and I would’ve thought that my family would be a little happy. But instead it is almost a daily event where me and mine are put on the back burner and I’m being forced to deal with other peoples shit. Whether it be jealousy, anger, disappointments or extreme expectations.
When is it my time to relax, enjoy the last few days of this pregnancy, and prepare for our life change and generally getting over the fear of the impending birth?
I deliberately left work early to enjoy this time at home and maybe it is my own expectations that were far out of reach. I had so much planned, wanted to do so much to prepare but I feel that my family thinks that they are entitled to my time now that there is more of it!
It has not been all that bad and I have achieved a few things off my list…right now though I feel very used and abused by my family. Even a bit hurt that my needs have been pushed aside for their crap, almost like their feelings are more important than mine.