It was a perfect way to start week 19, but thinking about it now it just feels like a nasty nightmare, something that didn’t happen to me but someone else. Or better yet last night’s events were a clip from the latest horror movie.
Stepping onto the Tram last night I felt a small little twinge where I should, it was centred near my cervix. Really I thought nothing of it, raced for the Train and just made it, got a great seat and settled in for the hour train ride home. Book in hand I started to switch off from work.
About 5 minutes into the journey home I received a very sharp cramp like pain, again in the same area as before, I shuffled in my seat and it seemed not to help, the pain was quiet dull, it actually felt like the Dildocam was stuck up against my cervix…all interfiles know what that feels like.
By the time I got home, the pain had not really moved on, I think that I was just able to tolerate it better. But it didn’t stop me from rushing to the toilet to check for any spotting. Nope nothing and no more CM than there was already…phew I was over-reacting right?
Well, the pain didn’t go away and just seemed to become more consistent, it would come and go and then it would stay. Lying on either side, on my back, sitting with my legs up, legs down, walking…nothing seemed to help. I did what I thought best at the time and call my Mummy. Whom immediately said “Don’t stop at go…proceed directly to Hospital”.
Mimi and I had already discussed whether or not to go to the hospital, but neither of us could make the decision, I’m eternally grateful that my Mummy gave me the kick up the arse to just go.
The 5-minute drive felt like 5 hours, I was scared shitless and kept on saying to Mimi “Everything will be fine, I’m sure it is really just nothing”. I felt as though I had to reassure him, as he was white as a ghost. Last time I had seen him this pale he fainted on me.
I must admit I was fighting tears all throughout the longest wait of my fucking life. But again felt that I had to be strong for Mimi. I also admitted to the nurse and Dr that I felt really stupid for being there as the pain was not that bad…WHO WAS I KIDDING???…I was freakingfuckingout….but I suppose that my Dad was coming through me as whenever he is sick he always says “I’m ok, there is nothing wrong”.
When I did get to see the Dr, and being probed with the million and one questions…all while I was screaming in my mind “PLEASE JUST DO AN ULTRASOUND TO SEE IF BOBIM IS OK”. He started with an examination and felt around for Bobim (all the way through the afternoon and early evening, Bobim was happily kicking and moving around…but still I was stressed). Finding where she/he was the Dr had a listen and when he looked at me, he just smiled as my little one had just delivered an almighty kick to the stethoscope. Bobim was fine, heart beat nice and strong.
So what was wrong??? Well I have an urinary-tract-infection, yes that’s right an UTI, how stupid did I feel when that was announced.
I still shudder at remember the thoughts, those horrible thoughts that went through my mind when we were waiting. I won’t write about them as you can imagine what was going through my mind. I have never in my short 29 years been so scared shitless before in my entire life.. I am finding it hard to put last night’s events out of my mind and move on.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
A big bag of the Guilt's
I’ve been lurking more and more on my old fav Baby website and contributing to the Pregnancy posts, actually anything to do with a baby threads I’m reading.
After keeping away from this site for a long time and living in the Blog world, contributing and reading on pregnancy just makes Bobim feel more real to me.
This morning I thought that I would have a sneak peak at the IF threads. Why is it that I now feel so guilty for lurking there, that I can’t even bring myself to post to questions that I can answer or offer advice to some people that are still on the IF road from hell?
Here I am at work, feeling Bobim kicking away with a small smile on my face, but reading some of the posts makes me feel so very guilty that I am here and not back there holding their hands.
I don’t think that I’ve explained myself very well….
After keeping away from this site for a long time and living in the Blog world, contributing and reading on pregnancy just makes Bobim feel more real to me.
This morning I thought that I would have a sneak peak at the IF threads. Why is it that I now feel so guilty for lurking there, that I can’t even bring myself to post to questions that I can answer or offer advice to some people that are still on the IF road from hell?
Here I am at work, feeling Bobim kicking away with a small smile on my face, but reading some of the posts makes me feel so very guilty that I am here and not back there holding their hands.
I don’t think that I’ve explained myself very well….
Monday, March 27, 2006
In Awe
It was 3am in the household of Mari when I woke to the usual need to go and relieve my bladder. Before getting up though I felt a little bump and tickle, it was the first time I had felt Bobim at night.
I have one very active little baby and what is so weird is when I’m talking to someone and I feel a bump and tickle, instantly my mind goes to Bobim and my hand reaches for my tummy.
This morning on the way to work I was reading my book and I guess that Bobim also enjoyed the story, as I sure received a lot of little bumps and tickles. I am in awe of this experience, it is so special and so hard to describe, and every little bump and tickle brings on such powerful feelings that really rock me. I feel so very lucky and blessed to have been given this gift.
I have one very active little baby and what is so weird is when I’m talking to someone and I feel a bump and tickle, instantly my mind goes to Bobim and my hand reaches for my tummy.
This morning on the way to work I was reading my book and I guess that Bobim also enjoyed the story, as I sure received a lot of little bumps and tickles. I am in awe of this experience, it is so special and so hard to describe, and every little bump and tickle brings on such powerful feelings that really rock me. I feel so very lucky and blessed to have been given this gift.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Week 17 in Review
I'm now 18 weeks and I really hope that this week will be better than the last. I maybe slapped in the face or shot down in the street for this post. This week has been shocking, I hate it that I can't sleep and when I do sleep I'm have nightmares.
I hate it that I can't eat and when I do, I either have heart burn or am dry retching.
I hate it that I'm tired.
I hate it that I'm starting to doubt this baby and this whole pregnancy thing.
It feels like the longest FUCKING 2WW, of my life and I'm only 18weeks...how am I going to last till 40 weeks.....
I hate it how time is going by so slowly, I want to find out the sex of my child NOW!
On the plus side, I love it how I feel it move, I love it how I've lost so much weight about 10kg since I found out I was pregnant. I love it how Tim and I are so excited.
So all in all week 17 of this pregnancy was not kind to me!
I hate it that I can't eat and when I do, I either have heart burn or am dry retching.
I hate it that I'm tired.
I hate it that I'm starting to doubt this baby and this whole pregnancy thing.
It feels like the longest FUCKING 2WW, of my life and I'm only 18weeks...how am I going to last till 40 weeks.....
I hate it how time is going by so slowly, I want to find out the sex of my child NOW!
On the plus side, I love it how I feel it move, I love it how I've lost so much weight about 10kg since I found out I was pregnant. I love it how Tim and I are so excited.
So all in all week 17 of this pregnancy was not kind to me!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Bump 'n tickle
It has been a while, a whirlwind weekend filled with everything to do with the dreaded wedding and work, which will never die down. I wonder if my Manager will be calling me when I’m giving birth stressing about something or another.
My biggest news is that I definitely feel movement; I have been for about a week or so, I ignored it up until Sunday as I just thought that it was wind or my hopes of feeling movement. But I asked a good friend of my at the Wedding if it was meant to feel like something was tickling me behind my belly button.
When she screeched and said “Yes, that’s it”. You could not wipe the smile off my face. Every now and then I get this little bump, tickle, and scrap that I just sit there and smile and rub my tummy.
On the Baby room front, we purchased a Baby Gate to keep the cats out and we have come up with a ‘Room renovation plan’. For a number of weeks I’ve felt frantic that I was running out of time and there was so much to do, and I love plans, I like to know what gaols we are trying to achieve. Even TTC I always had plans for the next cycle, it made me feel more settled.
So here is our general plan:
March – Buying the Baby Gate and picking the colour of the paint for the walls
April – Doing the Concreting and the Gate to the side of the house and finally fixing up the garden. I know that this has nothing really to do with Bobim’s room….but we don’t have a Shed and we have kept a number of things in ‘The rooms’ closet that needs to now live in a shed, hence the concreting.
May – Start cleaning the room, washing the walls, carpets, windows. We are also changing the Window, door and closet trims and adding in a Picture rail. This is all to be done in May.
June – Paint and finish the room, including the curtains, wall art and anything else I can think of.
July – Most likely I will be washing all the clothes and putting them away and getting the ready for Bobim
August – All I have planned this month is first packing the bag for the hospital and then giving birth (FUCK…..deep breaths Mari!!!)
OH 3 more weeks till we find out the sex of Bobim!!
My biggest news is that I definitely feel movement; I have been for about a week or so, I ignored it up until Sunday as I just thought that it was wind or my hopes of feeling movement. But I asked a good friend of my at the Wedding if it was meant to feel like something was tickling me behind my belly button.
When she screeched and said “Yes, that’s it”. You could not wipe the smile off my face. Every now and then I get this little bump, tickle, and scrap that I just sit there and smile and rub my tummy.
On the Baby room front, we purchased a Baby Gate to keep the cats out and we have come up with a ‘Room renovation plan’. For a number of weeks I’ve felt frantic that I was running out of time and there was so much to do, and I love plans, I like to know what gaols we are trying to achieve. Even TTC I always had plans for the next cycle, it made me feel more settled.
So here is our general plan:
March – Buying the Baby Gate and picking the colour of the paint for the walls
April – Doing the Concreting and the Gate to the side of the house and finally fixing up the garden. I know that this has nothing really to do with Bobim’s room….but we don’t have a Shed and we have kept a number of things in ‘The rooms’ closet that needs to now live in a shed, hence the concreting.
May – Start cleaning the room, washing the walls, carpets, windows. We are also changing the Window, door and closet trims and adding in a Picture rail. This is all to be done in May.
June – Paint and finish the room, including the curtains, wall art and anything else I can think of.
July – Most likely I will be washing all the clothes and putting them away and getting the ready for Bobim
August – All I have planned this month is first packing the bag for the hospital and then giving birth (FUCK…..deep breaths Mari!!!)
OH 3 more weeks till we find out the sex of Bobim!!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Second OB appointment
Monday morning I had my second OB appointment, sitting in the waiting room I didn’t know what to expect at all. There were all these Pregnant women and women with kids around me and still I felt uncomfortable.
The OB’s midwife is fantastic, remembered me from 6 weeks early and remembered my frantic phone call relating to my constipation episode. It was a nice feeling being remembered.
I had lost 5kgs in 6weeks since I’d been at the Clinic, which amazed both of us, shouldn’t pregnant women put on weight?
My Blood pressure was 130/70 I was told that this is goo; my urine test on site was fine for protein and sugar content. My blood test results were negative where needed to be and the numbers were all the normal ranges where it needed to be.
Then the highlight of the visit was a quick listen to the heartbeat, my little Bobim is a cheeky mite, didn’t want to sit properly for the microphone. She couldn’t find the heart beat…..and surprisingly this did not concern me, I didn’t even have any DBT. We could hear Bobim moving around, but a quick scan and we saw Bobim moving around like crazy and kicking it’s very long legs.
Another go at the microphone thingy and four kicks later I heard the very faint thump, thump, needless to say I was in awe.
I only saw the OB for about 5 minutes asked my simple question of taking Folate as I keep on forgetting to take Folate and was wondering if this would cause issues. I was told that Folate is more important before conception and not after.
I was advised to take Calcium and a Multi-vitamin that contains Iron that won’t make me constipated. All is all we were all quite happy with my progress. Next appointment is 6 weeks away on the 18th April.
The OB’s midwife is fantastic, remembered me from 6 weeks early and remembered my frantic phone call relating to my constipation episode. It was a nice feeling being remembered.
I had lost 5kgs in 6weeks since I’d been at the Clinic, which amazed both of us, shouldn’t pregnant women put on weight?
My Blood pressure was 130/70 I was told that this is goo; my urine test on site was fine for protein and sugar content. My blood test results were negative where needed to be and the numbers were all the normal ranges where it needed to be.
Then the highlight of the visit was a quick listen to the heartbeat, my little Bobim is a cheeky mite, didn’t want to sit properly for the microphone. She couldn’t find the heart beat…..and surprisingly this did not concern me, I didn’t even have any DBT. We could hear Bobim moving around, but a quick scan and we saw Bobim moving around like crazy and kicking it’s very long legs.
Another go at the microphone thingy and four kicks later I heard the very faint thump, thump, needless to say I was in awe.
I only saw the OB for about 5 minutes asked my simple question of taking Folate as I keep on forgetting to take Folate and was wondering if this would cause issues. I was told that Folate is more important before conception and not after.
I was advised to take Calcium and a Multi-vitamin that contains Iron that won’t make me constipated. All is all we were all quite happy with my progress. Next appointment is 6 weeks away on the 18th April.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Visit
My MIL invited us over for a visit yesterday, it is always nice to spend time with them. We have not always had a good relationship; out of our 10 years of marriage about 5 of them have been spent in silence. For different reasons and reasons today are irrelevant.
I was eager for news on little Damoan, I had not called my SIL as part of me is not comfortable in calling and the other part is that I don’t want to disturb her, I have a knack for calling people right when they are the most busiest.
SIL is not coping very well with little Damoan and MIL has been asked to go over and look after him so that SIL can sleep. My MIL seems to think that he is not being fed enough and an argument ensued and MIL was kicked out of the house. Obviously there is more to the story than that but it is not the purpose of this post.
This whole story with SIL and MIL has got me a little worried about not coping when I come home with our Bobim. Anyu has suggested to me that she would stay here and help in the first weeks, to now it has been a suggestion but now I’m wondering if I take her up on her offer will we argue too?
I know that there is no point in worrying about what is to come, what I have done is read, research as much as possible on the birth and the first few weeks to prepare myself. I was telling this to MIL and Tim and I have discussed that when Bobim is going to be home for the first few weeks it is not going to be easy.
Does anyone else have these fears of not coping when coming home?
I was eager for news on little Damoan, I had not called my SIL as part of me is not comfortable in calling and the other part is that I don’t want to disturb her, I have a knack for calling people right when they are the most busiest.
SIL is not coping very well with little Damoan and MIL has been asked to go over and look after him so that SIL can sleep. My MIL seems to think that he is not being fed enough and an argument ensued and MIL was kicked out of the house. Obviously there is more to the story than that but it is not the purpose of this post.
This whole story with SIL and MIL has got me a little worried about not coping when I come home with our Bobim. Anyu has suggested to me that she would stay here and help in the first weeks, to now it has been a suggestion but now I’m wondering if I take her up on her offer will we argue too?
I know that there is no point in worrying about what is to come, what I have done is read, research as much as possible on the birth and the first few weeks to prepare myself. I was telling this to MIL and Tim and I have discussed that when Bobim is going to be home for the first few weeks it is not going to be easy.
Does anyone else have these fears of not coping when coming home?
Friday, March 03, 2006
About Baby
As you can imagine I know just about everything there is to know about Trying to Conceive and Infertility and Assisted Conception, but I feel so out of my depth when it comes to pregnancy and baby. No matter how many web sites or books I read I don’t feel like I’m ‘prepared’ enough.
Which is funny…. Tim and I had been trying for 3 years probably even longer to have Bobim finally join us, but now that Bobim has stuck, I’m starting to panic. Shit what have I got myself into???
I’m reading this little book that came free with a Pregnancy Magazine and the words stuck out at me “Even if you planned to conceive and have looked forward to having a child, the realisation that you are becoming a parent can be daunting”. Hhhhmmm Fuck yeah!
Daunting is an understatement of the year! In August I’m going to have a little baby that will be totally reliant on my ability to understand what it needs. I read onto understand that these ‘feelings’ are all quite normal. Tim believes that all the reading and researching I’m doing is preparing me for the tough times ahead. I would like to think that it is.
This was all going through my mind on the train this morning on the way to work and I’m totally absorbed in the facts and details, when I came across a word that seems to be scattered throughout the book “miracle”. Is my Bobim a miracle, what constitutes as a miracle? The Australian Oxford Dictionary states that a miracle is an event so remarkable that it is attributed to a supernatural agency.
Then there is this: When sperm and egg meet, a single cell forms. For this to happen, conditions must be perfect: the egg must be in the right place, sperm must be present and your womb ready.
So is it a Miracle that Bobim is with us…not really it seems that things were perfect when she/he was conceived. Yet part of me wants to believe that some supernatural agency was involved in making everything perfect last November and thinking about that, I’m eternally grateful and in awe of the fact that I have been granted this gift. Even though I may be scared about the birth and after, I’m in a quiet shock that I have been given the privilege of this responsibility. I just pray that I won’t let our little Bobim down.
Which is funny…. Tim and I had been trying for 3 years probably even longer to have Bobim finally join us, but now that Bobim has stuck, I’m starting to panic. Shit what have I got myself into???
I’m reading this little book that came free with a Pregnancy Magazine and the words stuck out at me “Even if you planned to conceive and have looked forward to having a child, the realisation that you are becoming a parent can be daunting”. Hhhhmmm Fuck yeah!
Daunting is an understatement of the year! In August I’m going to have a little baby that will be totally reliant on my ability to understand what it needs. I read onto understand that these ‘feelings’ are all quite normal. Tim believes that all the reading and researching I’m doing is preparing me for the tough times ahead. I would like to think that it is.
This was all going through my mind on the train this morning on the way to work and I’m totally absorbed in the facts and details, when I came across a word that seems to be scattered throughout the book “miracle”. Is my Bobim a miracle, what constitutes as a miracle? The Australian Oxford Dictionary states that a miracle is an event so remarkable that it is attributed to a supernatural agency.
Then there is this: When sperm and egg meet, a single cell forms. For this to happen, conditions must be perfect: the egg must be in the right place, sperm must be present and your womb ready.
So is it a Miracle that Bobim is with us…not really it seems that things were perfect when she/he was conceived. Yet part of me wants to believe that some supernatural agency was involved in making everything perfect last November and thinking about that, I’m eternally grateful and in awe of the fact that I have been granted this gift. Even though I may be scared about the birth and after, I’m in a quiet shock that I have been given the privilege of this responsibility. I just pray that I won’t let our little Bobim down.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Hospital
I had been looking forward to the Hospital tour for a while and finally booking into the hospital that Bobim will be delivered in (if all goes according to plan). Altogether there were 4 couples, including Tim and I.
I must admit that I was a bit envious with the other ladies as you could definitely tell that they were pregnant, the baby bumps were visible. Unfortunately as I’m already over weight I don’t even know if you will ever be able to tell that I’m pregnant. But I’m ok with that and have accepted that this maybe the case.
We walked into the birthing suit and it was huge, your eyes are struck but the big double bed in the middle of the room, with a big TV on the wall and chairs scattered around the place, a baby bassinette thingy that is used when it is born. Then we took a look at the bathroom and which was also big, actually bigger than the one I have at home. It looked like we had entered a 5 Star Hotel suit rather than a Birthing room.
This particular hospital has 3 birth rooms with the same set up, the one we were ushered into was the biggest, and we were told that the other 2 were smaller. Tim looks at me and says smaller, this one is bigger than our bedroom at home. The rooms that you stay in after the birth were equally as big and impressive.
The hardest part of the visit was seeing the nursery; there was this tiny little girl just near the window under the UV light as she had a small bout of jaundice. It was also good to see a Midwife helping a new mum bath her baby. My grip on Tim’s hand tightens and he looked at me (in Hungarian) I told him that this room was the hardest to see, because I want one (a baby) so much that I felt like sobbing …fucking hormones!
The last part of our tour was sitting down one on one with the Midwife where we discussed all sorts of things, from the birth to the pre-preparation classes to taking my Medical History. I felt so comfortable in her presence and felt reassured that we would be very well looked after. The hospital is a small private one and averages 30 babies a month, so at any given time the average number of mothers there are about 5 per week and there are more than enough Midwifes to give you the care you need. When we visited there were 13 new mums there, which was apparently a very rare occurrence.
I’ve booked into 8 pre-preparation classes, two with a Physio that I have to pay for and the rest with the Midwives from the hospital. I also received a bag of goodies, brochures, sample products and magazines, I spent a good deal of time yesterday devouring all the information. I felt like a kid in a lolly shop.
The whole hospital tour experience has left me with a great sense of awe that sometime in August I will be meeting my very own baby and more than anything I felt blessed that I’ve been granted this little miracle.
I must admit that I was a bit envious with the other ladies as you could definitely tell that they were pregnant, the baby bumps were visible. Unfortunately as I’m already over weight I don’t even know if you will ever be able to tell that I’m pregnant. But I’m ok with that and have accepted that this maybe the case.
We walked into the birthing suit and it was huge, your eyes are struck but the big double bed in the middle of the room, with a big TV on the wall and chairs scattered around the place, a baby bassinette thingy that is used when it is born. Then we took a look at the bathroom and which was also big, actually bigger than the one I have at home. It looked like we had entered a 5 Star Hotel suit rather than a Birthing room.
This particular hospital has 3 birth rooms with the same set up, the one we were ushered into was the biggest, and we were told that the other 2 were smaller. Tim looks at me and says smaller, this one is bigger than our bedroom at home. The rooms that you stay in after the birth were equally as big and impressive.
The hardest part of the visit was seeing the nursery; there was this tiny little girl just near the window under the UV light as she had a small bout of jaundice. It was also good to see a Midwife helping a new mum bath her baby. My grip on Tim’s hand tightens and he looked at me (in Hungarian) I told him that this room was the hardest to see, because I want one (a baby) so much that I felt like sobbing …fucking hormones!
The last part of our tour was sitting down one on one with the Midwife where we discussed all sorts of things, from the birth to the pre-preparation classes to taking my Medical History. I felt so comfortable in her presence and felt reassured that we would be very well looked after. The hospital is a small private one and averages 30 babies a month, so at any given time the average number of mothers there are about 5 per week and there are more than enough Midwifes to give you the care you need. When we visited there were 13 new mums there, which was apparently a very rare occurrence.
I’ve booked into 8 pre-preparation classes, two with a Physio that I have to pay for and the rest with the Midwives from the hospital. I also received a bag of goodies, brochures, sample products and magazines, I spent a good deal of time yesterday devouring all the information. I felt like a kid in a lolly shop.
The whole hospital tour experience has left me with a great sense of awe that sometime in August I will be meeting my very own baby and more than anything I felt blessed that I’ve been granted this little miracle.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
The Room
The other weekend Ellie was staying here to help me. Well actually it was that I was helping her and she was helping me. I had a mini reunion with some High School friends and Tim had gone Water skiing. Plus I didn’t like the thought of being left pregnant and on my own, weird I know but that is how I felt at the time.
About 2 months ago we saw a great deal on a wooden change table for $140.00, we had been looking around and had not seen one that cheap. We kept it in it’s box for a while, I think that we just couldn’t be bother putting it together.
I often go and sit in ‘The Room’ that will one day be converted into Bobim’s room and just day dream and wonder what it will all be like when she/he finally arrives.
Other than the ‘Chest of dreams’ filled with baby clothes ‘The Room’ felt bear and so Ellie and I decided that we would put the change table together. How hard could it be right?
Hmmmpph after about 2 hours we finally got it right and wheeled it into it’s designated place in ‘The Room’, and filled the shelves with all the nappies and baby towels that I had accumulated over the years. ‘The Room’ started feeling like we were waiting for a Baby to arrive.
There is still much to be done and much to buy but I thought that I would show you what ‘The Room’ looks like today.
We still need to:
* Clean the carpets,
* Remove the single bed
* Wash and paint the walls
* Move the chest of draws into ‘The Room’
* Buy and set up the cot
* Move the Ironing table and Christmas Tree
* Clean out the Closet.
Beep breaths Mari and small steps…you have plenty of time!
Holy shit there is so much to do.
About 2 months ago we saw a great deal on a wooden change table for $140.00, we had been looking around and had not seen one that cheap. We kept it in it’s box for a while, I think that we just couldn’t be bother putting it together.
I often go and sit in ‘The Room’ that will one day be converted into Bobim’s room and just day dream and wonder what it will all be like when she/he finally arrives.
Other than the ‘Chest of dreams’ filled with baby clothes ‘The Room’ felt bear and so Ellie and I decided that we would put the change table together. How hard could it be right?
Hmmmpph after about 2 hours we finally got it right and wheeled it into it’s designated place in ‘The Room’, and filled the shelves with all the nappies and baby towels that I had accumulated over the years. ‘The Room’ started feeling like we were waiting for a Baby to arrive.
There is still much to be done and much to buy but I thought that I would show you what ‘The Room’ looks like today.
We still need to:
* Clean the carpets,
* Remove the single bed
* Wash and paint the walls
* Move the chest of draws into ‘The Room’
* Buy and set up the cot
* Move the Ironing table and Christmas Tree
* Clean out the Closet.
Beep breaths Mari and small steps…you have plenty of time!
Holy shit there is so much to do.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Family stuff
Ellie has been spending a great deal of time with me recently, mostly because she is my personal slave. It is always good to have someone that worships the ground that I walk on. Hehe if she were to read this I would be smacked.
Ellie and Tina are not really getting along at the moment and because I have a fucked sister that cares more about her bullshit work and fucking carrer than she does about her kids, Ellie turns to me.
My house has become her haven, which suits me just fine, I have an extra spare of hands and she doesn’t mind being dragged to baby shops, not like Tim who is a bit bored by them now. “Why look when we are not ready to buy” is his motto, obviously he doesn’t get the whole shopping thing.
My sister while continues to promise her girls “As God is my witness I will never drink again”. Cannot keep away from her good old friend Al (alcohol). My BIL is of no help what so ever, if people come over for a dinner party it is apparently a tradition to offer spirits to the guests when they arrive.
So when you arrive, there on the coffee table are about 5 different spirit bottles present, from vodka to baileys, now I guess that for someone that can’t seem to control their drinking having a wide selection of alcohol readily available…at your finger tips doesn’t help.
It is also apparently a tradition to offer wine with your meal, so when BIL asks what everyone would like to drink, my SIS pipes up on the top of her voice “F am I allowed a glass of wine?”. Being a very private person my BIL doesn’t like people to know that they have problems in the house, so he hides it and gets her one. So she is back to square one. Instead of drinking one glass she goes onto finishing the bottle.
I don’t speak to my sister much when she has been drinking as I just can’t handle the same stupid fucking questions being asked and the verbal bullshit that comes out of her mouth. It is obvious to everyone that sits at these dinner parties that she has a problem and I know that there is nothing that can be done until it is admitted. But how many phones does it take saying “I can’t stop drinking, I’m not happy” (and there have been many) for my sister to realise that this is a big problem.
On Saturday it was Tina’s birthday and she was up to her old tricks and honestly I felt like I was conspiring to murder cause I didn’t say anything. Both Tina and Ellie have to say to their mother, “No more drinks, you have had too much”. Tina just turned 13, when this is said in front of people they are reprimanded after the event for spilling “Family issues infront of people”. The people that are present at these times are that Family, Tim and I and BIL parents, yet BIL continues to sweep things under a rug.
I personally don’t know what to do, I can’t fix things but I no longer want to be apart of the charade. Plus I feel that Ellie and Tina need me, do I continue to turn a blind eye? Do I ask before I go if alcohol is being served and if yes then refuse to go?
People in the PC, what would you do in my shoes?
Ellie and Tina are not really getting along at the moment and because I have a fucked sister that cares more about her bullshit work and fucking carrer than she does about her kids, Ellie turns to me.
My house has become her haven, which suits me just fine, I have an extra spare of hands and she doesn’t mind being dragged to baby shops, not like Tim who is a bit bored by them now. “Why look when we are not ready to buy” is his motto, obviously he doesn’t get the whole shopping thing.
My sister while continues to promise her girls “As God is my witness I will never drink again”. Cannot keep away from her good old friend Al (alcohol). My BIL is of no help what so ever, if people come over for a dinner party it is apparently a tradition to offer spirits to the guests when they arrive.
So when you arrive, there on the coffee table are about 5 different spirit bottles present, from vodka to baileys, now I guess that for someone that can’t seem to control their drinking having a wide selection of alcohol readily available…at your finger tips doesn’t help.
It is also apparently a tradition to offer wine with your meal, so when BIL asks what everyone would like to drink, my SIS pipes up on the top of her voice “F am I allowed a glass of wine?”. Being a very private person my BIL doesn’t like people to know that they have problems in the house, so he hides it and gets her one. So she is back to square one. Instead of drinking one glass she goes onto finishing the bottle.
I don’t speak to my sister much when she has been drinking as I just can’t handle the same stupid fucking questions being asked and the verbal bullshit that comes out of her mouth. It is obvious to everyone that sits at these dinner parties that she has a problem and I know that there is nothing that can be done until it is admitted. But how many phones does it take saying “I can’t stop drinking, I’m not happy” (and there have been many) for my sister to realise that this is a big problem.
On Saturday it was Tina’s birthday and she was up to her old tricks and honestly I felt like I was conspiring to murder cause I didn’t say anything. Both Tina and Ellie have to say to their mother, “No more drinks, you have had too much”. Tina just turned 13, when this is said in front of people they are reprimanded after the event for spilling “Family issues infront of people”. The people that are present at these times are that Family, Tim and I and BIL parents, yet BIL continues to sweep things under a rug.
I personally don’t know what to do, I can’t fix things but I no longer want to be apart of the charade. Plus I feel that Ellie and Tina need me, do I continue to turn a blind eye? Do I ask before I go if alcohol is being served and if yes then refuse to go?
People in the PC, what would you do in my shoes?
A new addition
I can’t believe that I haven’t told you all about the new addition to our family. My SIL gave birth to a baby boy on the 10th of Feb. Yes it was that long ago and totally slipped my mind.
I suppose that this blog is more about my TTC and Pregnancy journey, rather than documenting details about my life and family. I wonder if this is so bad a thing?
Baby Damoan was a little early but apparently a big boy, measuring 51cm and weighing 3.5kg. But holding him if felt and looked so very tiny and cute.
It broke my heart seeing Tim hold is new nephew as the look of awe on his face just cut deep and even though we know Bobim is with us, he/she still seems so far away. It was very obvious the he was uncomfortable and uncoordinated and never really held a new born before.
My SIL looked so very happy and relaxed when we saw her in the hospital, it was good to see her like that, I did feel outside my comfort zone and was so very nervous about meeting the little one. She was happy to see us and loved the small gift we bought her.
During the visit I finally found out that little Damoan was an accident and not planned at all, I didn’t have the heart to ask her before hand if they had been trying as the knowledge would’ve cut too deeply.
I suppose that this blog is more about my TTC and Pregnancy journey, rather than documenting details about my life and family. I wonder if this is so bad a thing?
Baby Damoan was a little early but apparently a big boy, measuring 51cm and weighing 3.5kg. But holding him if felt and looked so very tiny and cute.
It broke my heart seeing Tim hold is new nephew as the look of awe on his face just cut deep and even though we know Bobim is with us, he/she still seems so far away. It was very obvious the he was uncomfortable and uncoordinated and never really held a new born before.
My SIL looked so very happy and relaxed when we saw her in the hospital, it was good to see her like that, I did feel outside my comfort zone and was so very nervous about meeting the little one. She was happy to see us and loved the small gift we bought her.
During the visit I finally found out that little Damoan was an accident and not planned at all, I didn’t have the heart to ask her before hand if they had been trying as the knowledge would’ve cut too deeply.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
13w1day
At precisely this time, they hit. I had never really felt so out of control before. Up until now they never really worked for me, I needed drugs to help me ‘mimic’ what they should’ve been doing before my Bobim was conceived and stuck around.
What are they…….fucking hormones.
To those that work with me, here are a few hints and tips to survive this phase of my pregnancy:
1) When I come into work and am not the usual bright ‘Good morning’ person this is a sign to say hello and move on.
2) If I’m sitting at my desk and have ear phones in listening to music it is a sure sign that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE!
3) If I have warned you that I’m not feeling well, it is code to keep away.
4) Sarcastic comments are under no circumstances welcome.
5) If I’m grumpy, please understand that it is not personal and does not require you to be snooty with me.
6) Oh and if I run off balling my eyes out, it is not a sign to start gossiping about me.
7) Most important of all, do not try and ask me how I am, after an outburst because there is nothing that I can do to control what is happening and no way of knowing how I may react to that question. I could be Bitch queen, or you may have set off a free flowing river that will not stop. But mainly I will feel embarrassed and no one likes to be reminded of an embarrassing situation.
This week at work did not go so well, I’ve never been a sooky lah lah but on Thursday I was and more than anything I’m embarrassed that I balled my eyes out at work over something so not important. Maybe I should email my work mates with the rules above it will save me and them from the rathe that is known as Mari.
What are they…….fucking hormones.
To those that work with me, here are a few hints and tips to survive this phase of my pregnancy:
1) When I come into work and am not the usual bright ‘Good morning’ person this is a sign to say hello and move on.
2) If I’m sitting at my desk and have ear phones in listening to music it is a sure sign that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE!
3) If I have warned you that I’m not feeling well, it is code to keep away.
4) Sarcastic comments are under no circumstances welcome.
5) If I’m grumpy, please understand that it is not personal and does not require you to be snooty with me.
6) Oh and if I run off balling my eyes out, it is not a sign to start gossiping about me.
7) Most important of all, do not try and ask me how I am, after an outburst because there is nothing that I can do to control what is happening and no way of knowing how I may react to that question. I could be Bitch queen, or you may have set off a free flowing river that will not stop. But mainly I will feel embarrassed and no one likes to be reminded of an embarrassing situation.
This week at work did not go so well, I’ve never been a sooky lah lah but on Thursday I was and more than anything I’m embarrassed that I balled my eyes out at work over something so not important. Maybe I should email my work mates with the rules above it will save me and them from the rathe that is known as Mari.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
My Valentines Day
On Valentines day 2006 was not filled with beautiful red roses, nor sweet delicious chocolate, nor did I receive a card filled with words of love from my husband or a little fluffy present showing how cherished I am.
But my Valentines day 2006 was the best I’ve ever had…..I saw my Bobim, she/he is one active little baby. It was the greatest wonder in the world see him/her waving its arms and moving around. My little Bobim was too shy to show me his/her face but I got a good look at her/his ear.
After seeing Bobim I was on such a high, that I went straight out and bought something for ‘the’ room.
I also received the news that I was so nervous about. I was told that as I walked in the door for the Downs ultrasound I had a 1:600 chance of Bobim having Downs Syndrome, however the combination of my Blood / Urine tests our chance went to 1:6030.
When I got off the phone I sobbed, I was so very scared of the potential bridge that we may have had to cross.
The only negative was that I did feel quite alone before going off to the scan. Tim couldn’t (or wouldn’t) take time off from work, which honestly really pissed me off. That night I told him that I did feel quite alone and felt that his work (which is just a fucking casual job) felt more important than seeing Bobim. I have given him enough warning that next time there is no excuse he is to come with me. I also mentioned in a nice way that he has misplaced loyalties when it comes to that job, as tomorrow they may turn around and say “You’re the weakest link….Goodbye”.
But my Valentines day 2006 was the best I’ve ever had…..I saw my Bobim, she/he is one active little baby. It was the greatest wonder in the world see him/her waving its arms and moving around. My little Bobim was too shy to show me his/her face but I got a good look at her/his ear.
After seeing Bobim I was on such a high, that I went straight out and bought something for ‘the’ room.
I also received the news that I was so nervous about. I was told that as I walked in the door for the Downs ultrasound I had a 1:600 chance of Bobim having Downs Syndrome, however the combination of my Blood / Urine tests our chance went to 1:6030.
When I got off the phone I sobbed, I was so very scared of the potential bridge that we may have had to cross.
The only negative was that I did feel quite alone before going off to the scan. Tim couldn’t (or wouldn’t) take time off from work, which honestly really pissed me off. That night I told him that I did feel quite alone and felt that his work (which is just a fucking casual job) felt more important than seeing Bobim. I have given him enough warning that next time there is no excuse he is to come with me. I also mentioned in a nice way that he has misplaced loyalties when it comes to that job, as tomorrow they may turn around and say “You’re the weakest link….Goodbye”.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Telling
Being 12 weeks today I'm silently screaming my head of in relief. Trying not to get too excited about Bobim but it is hard. A hurdle has been achieved today, how can I not be ecstatic?
I've slowly told people at work about Bobim, mainly those in my project team so that they understood what was happening with me. But I feel that maybe now I can tell the wider audience, but how do I go about doing this?
Let it spread naturally? By telling some big mouths?
I had a meeting this morning and almost blurted it out there at the end when a guy asked me what is news….maybe next time he asks I will tell him.
For me the words sound so strange coming from my mouth “I’m pregnant”. My mind reels and starts going into denial, “No your not, you just wish you were”.
Next milestone is seeing my Bobim in an ultrasound on the 14th Feb.
I've slowly told people at work about Bobim, mainly those in my project team so that they understood what was happening with me. But I feel that maybe now I can tell the wider audience, but how do I go about doing this?
Let it spread naturally? By telling some big mouths?
I had a meeting this morning and almost blurted it out there at the end when a guy asked me what is news….maybe next time he asks I will tell him.
For me the words sound so strange coming from my mouth “I’m pregnant”. My mind reels and starts going into denial, “No your not, you just wish you were”.
Next milestone is seeing my Bobim in an ultrasound on the 14th Feb.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Movement
I had some movement....I never thought that I would be happy to have movement!!!
What a relief, well a little anyway!
Updated to say - I didn't mean Baby movement I meant another type of movement that requires a toilet...hehehe.
What a relief, well a little anyway!
Updated to say - I didn't mean Baby movement I meant another type of movement that requires a toilet...hehehe.
Low GI
I forgot to mention that I finally met with the Dietician the other week. I was referred to her to help maintain or even lose weight whilst pregnant and reduce the risk of gestational diabetes.
Whilst it was good listening to what she had to say about the Glycemic Index, it was so in your face obvious that she had no clue when it came to pregnancy. She recommended that I go on a Low GI diet, which just screamed FAD FAD FAD diet, but had some truth to it, low sugar levels means lower risk of the diabetes.
We discussed my problems with cooking dinner, cause I told her honestly that for me that is the most difficult meal of the day, by the time I get home from work, I’m 1) so hungry that take away is to much easier and 2) who wants to start cooking a lavish meal.
Some of the alternatives that she offered were very useful, like make Jacket potatoes, salads, kebabs and grilled meats. Then she went on to mention packet meals, you know the ones like Beef stroganoff where the sauce is in a powder form. I sat there staring at her wondering if she understood what preservatives meant…how can she be a professional dietician recommending 2-minute noodles as a meal alternative?
Needless to say I will not be seeing her again, I will simply go back on the Sure Slim diet that was Low GI and work on making sure that I eat fresh healthy food.
Whilst it was good listening to what she had to say about the Glycemic Index, it was so in your face obvious that she had no clue when it came to pregnancy. She recommended that I go on a Low GI diet, which just screamed FAD FAD FAD diet, but had some truth to it, low sugar levels means lower risk of the diabetes.
We discussed my problems with cooking dinner, cause I told her honestly that for me that is the most difficult meal of the day, by the time I get home from work, I’m 1) so hungry that take away is to much easier and 2) who wants to start cooking a lavish meal.
Some of the alternatives that she offered were very useful, like make Jacket potatoes, salads, kebabs and grilled meats. Then she went on to mention packet meals, you know the ones like Beef stroganoff where the sauce is in a powder form. I sat there staring at her wondering if she understood what preservatives meant…how can she be a professional dietician recommending 2-minute noodles as a meal alternative?
Needless to say I will not be seeing her again, I will simply go back on the Sure Slim diet that was Low GI and work on making sure that I eat fresh healthy food.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Holidays and regularity
Our holiday was perfect, the weather, the accommodation and the company were all perfect. The room had a gorgeous view of the lake photo’s to follow.
I have learnt that while other pregnant women can travel and holiday with the best of them…I can’t, well I can but it is not that nice. Being tired and grumpy in the afternoon’s are not a good thing.
I mentioned before that I wasn’t really enjoying this pregnancy and I don’t know why I thought that I would. Whilst the morning sickness has passed…yay!!! Another uncomfortable pregnancy symptom has surfaced, the question of regularity has been brought to light and while I may joke around with Tim, I’m now way comfortable. “I’m literally full of shit and not happy about it”.
I’ve never had this problem before, all my adult life I’ve had to deal with the other end of the spectrum not this one and for me to go by a day with out any type of movement is unheard of. But oh the joys of pregnancy it has now been 5 days….and counting…..I’m in so much pain it is getting hard to walk around and eat.
I spoke with the OB nurse and have got some good advice so I will give that ago now.
Did I mention that I’m not really enjoying this pregnancy?
I hate to complain about it…as I’m grateful for the possibility of meeting this Bobim that is growing inside me.
I have learnt that while other pregnant women can travel and holiday with the best of them…I can’t, well I can but it is not that nice. Being tired and grumpy in the afternoon’s are not a good thing.
I mentioned before that I wasn’t really enjoying this pregnancy and I don’t know why I thought that I would. Whilst the morning sickness has passed…yay!!! Another uncomfortable pregnancy symptom has surfaced, the question of regularity has been brought to light and while I may joke around with Tim, I’m now way comfortable. “I’m literally full of shit and not happy about it”.
I’ve never had this problem before, all my adult life I’ve had to deal with the other end of the spectrum not this one and for me to go by a day with out any type of movement is unheard of. But oh the joys of pregnancy it has now been 5 days….and counting…..I’m in so much pain it is getting hard to walk around and eat.
I spoke with the OB nurse and have got some good advice so I will give that ago now.
Did I mention that I’m not really enjoying this pregnancy?
I hate to complain about it…as I’m grateful for the possibility of meeting this Bobim that is growing inside me.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Off and away
Tim and I are off on a mini break to Yarrawonga which is north of Melbourne near the border of Victoria and New South Wales.
Friday marks our 10th Wedding Anniversary and we thought that it being a Big milestone that we take time off work and get away.
I'm busy packing and cleaning the house getting ready to hit the road, we are both so very excited and looking forward to the trip. Will post photo's and let you know all about it when we get back.
Friday marks our 10th Wedding Anniversary and we thought that it being a Big milestone that we take time off work and get away.
I'm busy packing and cleaning the house getting ready to hit the road, we are both so very excited and looking forward to the trip. Will post photo's and let you know all about it when we get back.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Bubbles and Popcorn
Being a self confessed Geek; I can’t help but LOVE technology. I love the fact that I can send someone a text (SMS) message and they instantly get it not matter where they are in the world. LOVE IT!!! I love receiving texts as well as it means that the person was thinking about you right at that point and in the instant you know that you were on their mind.
I especially love it because it is the cheapest way I can keep in touch with my relatives in Hungary. All of them have mobiles, but most don’t have access to email so a simple text is the best thing ever invented I think anyway.
The other morning I received a Text from my cousin who has an 8-month-old daughter, generally asking how I was and how the pregnancy was going. She also went on to explain that if I have a feeling of bubbles or popcorn in my belly then it is already the baby.
I automatically assumed that she was getting ahead in time and it would be way to early to feel Bobim…surely.
I must’ve had an odd look on my face last night as Tim ran over and asked me what was so amusing and why was my smile getting bigger and bigger. To my utter surprise I had a big popcorn production in my belly last night and on the way to work this morning.
But I wonder if it is just I WANTING to feel something, or can you actually start feeling something this early, tomorrow being 11 weeks?
Right now I choose to believe that I can feel my Bobim popping corn in my belly.
“Pop away little one, Mummy can feel that you are there and she is loving it!!”
I especially love it because it is the cheapest way I can keep in touch with my relatives in Hungary. All of them have mobiles, but most don’t have access to email so a simple text is the best thing ever invented I think anyway.
The other morning I received a Text from my cousin who has an 8-month-old daughter, generally asking how I was and how the pregnancy was going. She also went on to explain that if I have a feeling of bubbles or popcorn in my belly then it is already the baby.
I automatically assumed that she was getting ahead in time and it would be way to early to feel Bobim…surely.
I must’ve had an odd look on my face last night as Tim ran over and asked me what was so amusing and why was my smile getting bigger and bigger. To my utter surprise I had a big popcorn production in my belly last night and on the way to work this morning.
But I wonder if it is just I WANTING to feel something, or can you actually start feeling something this early, tomorrow being 11 weeks?
Right now I choose to believe that I can feel my Bobim popping corn in my belly.
“Pop away little one, Mummy can feel that you are there and she is loving it!!”
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