I’ve had the past 3 days to think about a lot of things that is currently going on in my life and where I want to head and what is most important to me.
This last miscarriage, if nothing else has taught me that even if I pushed things as in continue with OI in this obsessive manner. My Bobim will not stay with me until my body is ready.
Now my heart, mind and soul is ready for our Bobim, but I don’t think that my body is ready for one. What is keeping me back is my weight. I think that J was right and that I have to drop some of this weight.
These decisions that I have made I have fought with my heart and soul against. I don’t want to stop TTCing for God’s sake, but I think that I do need a break from it all.
I need to get my life in order, take some control back. I need to start cooking for my self and not let someone else say “this is diet food” when the meal is swimming in cream.
I thought that it was important for me to push for a promotion at work and work my butt of every day. At the end of the day it has always been drummed into me that work is very important and “You should work hard”.
Yesterday the GP and I talked a lot about everything that was and is going on in my life. Wether or not I continue with OI, my diet and TTLW (trying to loose weight), my work, home life everything.
I admitted to my GP shyly that I’ve been thinking about going to see a counsellor as I feel as though I can’t really cope with a lot of things that is going on in my life and kind of feel out of control. We agreed that I will be seeing her on a weekly or fortnightly basis.
I told the GP about the BSS diet and she told me doing that sort of diet is restrictive and too much to quick. Which I have to agree with, I’m so confused about the whole diet and change of lifestyle thing. I’ve tried and it has never really worked for me.
My task this week, even though I am following the BSS diet (well partially) is to add two pieces of fruit everyday. On another note I have lost another kilo..making it 2.5 kilos altogether another 34.5 kilos to go.
We talked about the number of hours that I work being a full time employee 36.25 hours a week doesn’t seem too much, except when you add another 12.5 hours travel per week. The GP is writing a letter to my Manager that I’m to only work no more than 30 hours per week.
Giving me a day off every week or a compromise of working from home, I have yet to discuss this with my Boss and I’m really scared that they won’t allow me to do this. There is already a resource shortage at work. But I honestly feel that if I am going to achieve my goals I can’t do it whilst working full time. My GP is totally behind me and agrees that my weight and my TTC issues are serious medical reasons for me to be concentrating on my life.
In summary; I will be holding off TTC with AC for a few months maybe only 2, depending when my next period turns up. I will be TTLW with a combination of no BSS, GP advice and my old Sure Slim diet. I will be talking to my boss (after my annual pay rise) about cutting back my hours. I will also be having fortnightly massages (weekly seems a bit excessive) and I will be actively going back to the gym, water aerobics.
My aim is to be pregnant within a year of now, along with being 34.5kg lighter and if after all that I still don’t have Bobim with me then I think that I will do something very, extremely drastic.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
The cycle that was
It started off with having to take Provera to bring on my period, it took 3 weeks for it to start instead of the normal 10days. My baseline b/t and u/s were ok and I started on 150iu of Gonal-f and had my u/s, where it showed that my follicles were growing too slowly.
So I continued with the Gonal-f, when my ovaries finally caught up with the worlds expectations and I was to have my trigger. I now call that night the Pregnyl incident, the fear and emotions have still not left me.
Then the intercourse episode of the morning timeframe, also at the same time I had really bad diahorea. Then last Monday I had to the worst constipation in my life, I was bloated like a balloon.
My breasts were sore extremely sore and I had really bad nausea. Even threw my dinner up one night. Then last Thursday during the day I had this awful feeling on the back of my throat it hurt to breathe in through my nose.
This was just before our long weekend where we were meant to go away with our visitors. So I checked and I had a slight fever and took Panadol (Paracetamol) and only one Day and Night tablet. All packaging said it was ok to take if pregnant, well the Day and night tablets for head colds only mentioned that if pregnant seek medical advice. I thought that one or two wouldn’t hurt…surely?!?!?!
Friday I wake up with a bad head cold and I didn’t sleep too well was up every hour going to the toilet (good sign I hear you say) and blowing my nose and was so very thirsty. Off to work were I only lasted half the day (there was an event for the half of the day that I didn’t go to). One the way home went to the Chemist who told me that IF I maybe pregnant I can’t take anything, not even Paracetamol.
I just felt like I was punched in the chest…what did I do to myself and my unborn (yet unknown if present baby), would two heads be growing? Would it be like monsters or would it die all because I wasn’t feeling to well.
We were meant to leave for our trip the following morning at 6am and I could hardly stand being so fucken dizzy. I jumped into bed and tried to sleep, but couldn’t as my nose was blocked and I couldn’t even use my nasal spray…another thing to add to my guilt list. I had used my nasal spray at couple of times during the cycle.
I eventually got up when Mimi got home and packed for the trip, all I could do that night was drink water and try to keep my temperature down as much as possible. Saturday morning we set off and I felt like crap used a box of tissues in the time it took us to get to our destination.
During the 6 hour drive that took us over 12 hours (we stopped a lot) I was sneezing quite a bit and was stressing about the pressure and the cramping action the whole time. How would this affect little Bobim? I didn’t worry too much until everytime I sneezed a great gush of CM would come out of me…OH GOD, THIS IS NOT GOOD. Were my thoughts, now I’m in a car with three other people can’t really ask Mimi to pull over to check my underwear to see if the CM was bloody. COULD I?
Sunday I continued to sneeze and have constant gushing sensations, when the CM started turning pink, I nearly freaked out and lost it. I was either getting my period or making myself miscarry were my thoughts.
During the trip our visitors wanted to eat Seafood wanting to try new things, so I had a lot of fish (I don’t usually eat fish), I made sure that I kept to well cooked dishes and stayed away from the sushi types of foods. But in the back of my mind I was stressing about this, I had heard that you shouldn’t eat fish if you were pregnant.
The worst was about to happen to me, Monday morning at 4am I wake worst pain I have ever experienced before in my life. My left ovary felt like it was about to explode. I went to the toilet and it sounded like I was peeing but in truth it was the was constant blood coming out of me.
My period had arrived or I was miscarrying in a motel room 6 hours away from home and hospital and my doctors. We were leaving for home that day. I had to take something for the pain as I wouldn’t not have been able to function. We didn’t take 12 hours to get home but we did stop for a tour and a look at a few places. I can’t remember much of the tour as every step was excruciating pain. I don’t know how I did it but I put up with the pain.
In the afternoon after eating lunch and our last leg of the drive I sat in the back with Mimi and cried silently most of the way home. The pain was bad and I was potentially loosing another Bobim. This would make it Three times that I lost my Bobim.
I didn’t go to the hospital as by the time I got home the pain has subsided a little, instead I went to bed and tried to sleep. But I was up every hour to change my pad and walk the pain off (iykwim). Tuesday morning Mimi went to work and I stayed home I couldn’t face a day at work in the amount of pain I was feeling in my pelvis and my heart.
I called P and she advised me to go to the GP, Mimi came home from work early to take me and I was off to have b/t and u/s. With the thought that I maybe suffering an ectopic pregnancy. U/s showed only my polycyctic ovaries but no embbie present in my fallopian tubes.
This afternoon it was confirmed that I had another miscarriage, my third one, the beta hCG was 31. Third time of Ovulation Induction third time a successful pregnancy third time miscarriage…my worst fear was here. I lost another Bobim.
So I continued with the Gonal-f, when my ovaries finally caught up with the worlds expectations and I was to have my trigger. I now call that night the Pregnyl incident, the fear and emotions have still not left me.
Then the intercourse episode of the morning timeframe, also at the same time I had really bad diahorea. Then last Monday I had to the worst constipation in my life, I was bloated like a balloon.
My breasts were sore extremely sore and I had really bad nausea. Even threw my dinner up one night. Then last Thursday during the day I had this awful feeling on the back of my throat it hurt to breathe in through my nose.
This was just before our long weekend where we were meant to go away with our visitors. So I checked and I had a slight fever and took Panadol (Paracetamol) and only one Day and Night tablet. All packaging said it was ok to take if pregnant, well the Day and night tablets for head colds only mentioned that if pregnant seek medical advice. I thought that one or two wouldn’t hurt…surely?!?!?!
Friday I wake up with a bad head cold and I didn’t sleep too well was up every hour going to the toilet (good sign I hear you say) and blowing my nose and was so very thirsty. Off to work were I only lasted half the day (there was an event for the half of the day that I didn’t go to). One the way home went to the Chemist who told me that IF I maybe pregnant I can’t take anything, not even Paracetamol.
I just felt like I was punched in the chest…what did I do to myself and my unborn (yet unknown if present baby), would two heads be growing? Would it be like monsters or would it die all because I wasn’t feeling to well.
We were meant to leave for our trip the following morning at 6am and I could hardly stand being so fucken dizzy. I jumped into bed and tried to sleep, but couldn’t as my nose was blocked and I couldn’t even use my nasal spray…another thing to add to my guilt list. I had used my nasal spray at couple of times during the cycle.
I eventually got up when Mimi got home and packed for the trip, all I could do that night was drink water and try to keep my temperature down as much as possible. Saturday morning we set off and I felt like crap used a box of tissues in the time it took us to get to our destination.
During the 6 hour drive that took us over 12 hours (we stopped a lot) I was sneezing quite a bit and was stressing about the pressure and the cramping action the whole time. How would this affect little Bobim? I didn’t worry too much until everytime I sneezed a great gush of CM would come out of me…OH GOD, THIS IS NOT GOOD. Were my thoughts, now I’m in a car with three other people can’t really ask Mimi to pull over to check my underwear to see if the CM was bloody. COULD I?
Sunday I continued to sneeze and have constant gushing sensations, when the CM started turning pink, I nearly freaked out and lost it. I was either getting my period or making myself miscarry were my thoughts.
During the trip our visitors wanted to eat Seafood wanting to try new things, so I had a lot of fish (I don’t usually eat fish), I made sure that I kept to well cooked dishes and stayed away from the sushi types of foods. But in the back of my mind I was stressing about this, I had heard that you shouldn’t eat fish if you were pregnant.
The worst was about to happen to me, Monday morning at 4am I wake worst pain I have ever experienced before in my life. My left ovary felt like it was about to explode. I went to the toilet and it sounded like I was peeing but in truth it was the was constant blood coming out of me.
My period had arrived or I was miscarrying in a motel room 6 hours away from home and hospital and my doctors. We were leaving for home that day. I had to take something for the pain as I wouldn’t not have been able to function. We didn’t take 12 hours to get home but we did stop for a tour and a look at a few places. I can’t remember much of the tour as every step was excruciating pain. I don’t know how I did it but I put up with the pain.
In the afternoon after eating lunch and our last leg of the drive I sat in the back with Mimi and cried silently most of the way home. The pain was bad and I was potentially loosing another Bobim. This would make it Three times that I lost my Bobim.
I didn’t go to the hospital as by the time I got home the pain has subsided a little, instead I went to bed and tried to sleep. But I was up every hour to change my pad and walk the pain off (iykwim). Tuesday morning Mimi went to work and I stayed home I couldn’t face a day at work in the amount of pain I was feeling in my pelvis and my heart.
I called P and she advised me to go to the GP, Mimi came home from work early to take me and I was off to have b/t and u/s. With the thought that I maybe suffering an ectopic pregnancy. U/s showed only my polycyctic ovaries but no embbie present in my fallopian tubes.
This afternoon it was confirmed that I had another miscarriage, my third one, the beta hCG was 31. Third time of Ovulation Induction third time a successful pregnancy third time miscarriage…my worst fear was here. I lost another Bobim.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Small Update
What a day, I really didn’t want to go to work today. It seems that it is getting harder and harder to go, I’ve got a lot to do and have been given a great opportunity with my job in regards to an advancement. But I just can’t find the strength and motivation to go.
I had another b/t this morning and my levels are as follows:
Friday Today
Oestrogen 1239 1685 (approx)
Progesterone 31 85
The nurse was very happy and didn’t mention that I will be receiving a period soon. She just asked if we had made an appointment for the hCG b/t, which we had…9 more sleeps.
I don’t know what to make of all this, I did ask if this indicated that I was pg, but she told (not so nicely) that she didn’t say that I was pregnant. So I asked what it meant that my progesterone levels rose. I was told that IF something had implanted then I had enough hormones to sustain a pregnancy.
I then asked her if my Progesterone levels had dropped would that mean that I’m getting my period…she replied yes. The only thing that baffled me was that I’m took Pregnyl and wasn’t sure if Pregnyl contained Progesterone…did some searching and it seems that it doesn’t, but I could be wrong.
Who knows…all I know is that my nurse is happy with my levels and I’m quietly happy too, don’t really know what to make of all this…9 more sleeps.
I had another b/t this morning and my levels are as follows:
Friday Today
Oestrogen 1239 1685 (approx)
Progesterone 31 85
The nurse was very happy and didn’t mention that I will be receiving a period soon. She just asked if we had made an appointment for the hCG b/t, which we had…9 more sleeps.
I don’t know what to make of all this, I did ask if this indicated that I was pg, but she told (not so nicely) that she didn’t say that I was pregnant. So I asked what it meant that my progesterone levels rose. I was told that IF something had implanted then I had enough hormones to sustain a pregnancy.
I then asked her if my Progesterone levels had dropped would that mean that I’m getting my period…she replied yes. The only thing that baffled me was that I’m took Pregnyl and wasn’t sure if Pregnyl contained Progesterone…did some searching and it seems that it doesn’t, but I could be wrong.
Who knows…all I know is that my nurse is happy with my levels and I’m quietly happy too, don’t really know what to make of all this…9 more sleeps.
Monday, March 07, 2005
10 more sleeps
The 2WW is a dreaded time for those that don’t have a lot of patients. I still have not had the time to go into my special room and look at all the clothes. My visitors are still with us and that room is pretty packed.
I’m very much constipated atm, and am in a lot of pain with cramping and being just blocked up. I try not to let my mind automatically think that it is because I maybe pregnant, as I have read with the increase in progesterone lead to constipation.
But I also suffer from IBS which means for me uber bad diarrhoea. So who knows, my mind then remembers the small piece of bread that I ate and thinks that my body is blocked up because I broke the No BSS rules.
I then start to wonder about the pain, if there is an embbie present then the pain and discomfort that I’m feeling wouldn’t be very good for our little one.
I have 10 more sleeps until I officially know if I’m pg, but I think but then I will be a nervous reck.
BTW – If you can’t read one of the comments posted here, they are short messages from my father who is writing on Hungarian. The latest message was “Patients will bring you roses”. It’s my fathers way of telling me to “Just relax”. I don’t think that he read the previous posts…relaxing won’t get me pregnant, plus I’ve lost two little ones. I’m going to stress out about anything and everything, but Apu I do love you and thankyou for reading.
I’m very much constipated atm, and am in a lot of pain with cramping and being just blocked up. I try not to let my mind automatically think that it is because I maybe pregnant, as I have read with the increase in progesterone lead to constipation.
But I also suffer from IBS which means for me uber bad diarrhoea. So who knows, my mind then remembers the small piece of bread that I ate and thinks that my body is blocked up because I broke the No BSS rules.
I then start to wonder about the pain, if there is an embbie present then the pain and discomfort that I’m feeling wouldn’t be very good for our little one.
I have 10 more sleeps until I officially know if I’m pg, but I think but then I will be a nervous reck.
BTW – If you can’t read one of the comments posted here, they are short messages from my father who is writing on Hungarian. The latest message was “Patients will bring you roses”. It’s my fathers way of telling me to “Just relax”. I don’t think that he read the previous posts…relaxing won’t get me pregnant, plus I’ve lost two little ones. I’m going to stress out about anything and everything, but Apu I do love you and thankyou for reading.
Friday, March 04, 2005
The date has been set
The place has been booked and now I’m officially in the 2WW. It was confirmed this afternoon that I ovulated. I always love hearing that and I never tire of receiving such good news.
The stabbing of the injectibles the little bruises that I have scattered across my tummy and the big Pregnyl 5000 incident all paid off in the end. My ovaries co-operated and released an egg.
Now all I have to do is wait patiently until the 17th of March (I will be 17DPO), I’m not a patient person but the 2WW is not that bad for me, some women that I know and chat with hate this time and I can relate and can totally understand where they are coming from.
For me I spend the 2WW in my hope / dream land where I allow myself the time to wonder and do the “What if” game. It is also that time where I go into the room that will be Bobim’s and open the chest and pull out all the clothes, nappies, blankets and towels. I sit there and I re-fold them and put them away.
I often go into that room (I’m in there everyday, when I iron the clothes for work) but I never look into the chest unless I’m in the 2WW. Am I nervous? Hell yes, Am I confident? Hell no. Will I cave and do a HPT early? Of Course!
14 more sleeps until I know.
The stabbing of the injectibles the little bruises that I have scattered across my tummy and the big Pregnyl 5000 incident all paid off in the end. My ovaries co-operated and released an egg.
Now all I have to do is wait patiently until the 17th of March (I will be 17DPO), I’m not a patient person but the 2WW is not that bad for me, some women that I know and chat with hate this time and I can relate and can totally understand where they are coming from.
For me I spend the 2WW in my hope / dream land where I allow myself the time to wonder and do the “What if” game. It is also that time where I go into the room that will be Bobim’s and open the chest and pull out all the clothes, nappies, blankets and towels. I sit there and I re-fold them and put them away.
I often go into that room (I’m in there everyday, when I iron the clothes for work) but I never look into the chest unless I’m in the 2WW. Am I nervous? Hell yes, Am I confident? Hell no. Will I cave and do a HPT early? Of Course!
14 more sleeps until I know.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Instructions
We were given instructions on Monday to have sex this morning being Wednesday morning. Now our mornings are very early as I live 45min from the city I need to catch a train to work and I prefer to be early so that it means I can be early coming home.
So Mimi and I were up at 5am this morning “trying” to get in the mood. Now my Mimi wants a child as much as I do, he’s been more ‘into’ this cycle more than I have. So he was determined to do his bit this morning.
Unfortunately once it did not happen, I suggested that we take a nice shower together (lucky we have an ensuite and our visitors are at the other end of the house). After the shower spent quality time with Mimi to ensure that this time he was nice and ready….nope nothing again.
By this time we are both exhausted as we had been going at it (including the shower) for about an hour and a half. Not to mention a bit stressed and pressured, I was ready to chuck in the towel and say Fuck it…we will just “be naughty” (that’s our way of saying “let’s have sex”) tonight. But my darling Mimi was determined that he was not leaving our bedroom until he did his bit.
So we decided to slept for about an hour and woke up and gave “it” one more good shot…finally we had reached our target and the deed was done…but it meant that I had to stay laying on my back with my legs in the air (or up on the edge of the bed) for another half an hour.
It was then that we both decided to stay home for the day, I was already late for work and I was still tired from all the trying we had been doing. Did I feel guilty? Not one bit, no way hose we were really trying to conceive our Bobim.
I can just imagine what it will be like tomorrow:
PM: “Hi M, how are you feeling?”
Me: “Um oh yeah, much better thanks”
PM: “So what was wrong?”
Me: “Honestly?”
PM: “Yes of course”
Me: “Mimi and I spent the morning following my nurse’s instructions and we were bonking our brains out”.
PM: (hushed silence)
Me: “Put that in your bag and smoke it, next time just doesn’t ask ok?”
I hurriedly walk away with out a backwards glance, whilst whistling and smiling.
Next time (if there is a next time) if we are told to do it in the morning, we are simply taking the day off or I will refuse to do it in the morning…too much hassle. I did feel sorry for Mimi though and he was very proud when he reached his goal..LOL.
So Mimi and I were up at 5am this morning “trying” to get in the mood. Now my Mimi wants a child as much as I do, he’s been more ‘into’ this cycle more than I have. So he was determined to do his bit this morning.
Unfortunately once it did not happen, I suggested that we take a nice shower together (lucky we have an ensuite and our visitors are at the other end of the house). After the shower spent quality time with Mimi to ensure that this time he was nice and ready….nope nothing again.
By this time we are both exhausted as we had been going at it (including the shower) for about an hour and a half. Not to mention a bit stressed and pressured, I was ready to chuck in the towel and say Fuck it…we will just “be naughty” (that’s our way of saying “let’s have sex”) tonight. But my darling Mimi was determined that he was not leaving our bedroom until he did his bit.
So we decided to slept for about an hour and woke up and gave “it” one more good shot…finally we had reached our target and the deed was done…but it meant that I had to stay laying on my back with my legs in the air (or up on the edge of the bed) for another half an hour.
It was then that we both decided to stay home for the day, I was already late for work and I was still tired from all the trying we had been doing. Did I feel guilty? Not one bit, no way hose we were really trying to conceive our Bobim.
I can just imagine what it will be like tomorrow:
PM: “Hi M, how are you feeling?”
Me: “Um oh yeah, much better thanks”
PM: “So what was wrong?”
Me: “Honestly?”
PM: “Yes of course”
Me: “Mimi and I spent the morning following my nurse’s instructions and we were bonking our brains out”.
PM: (hushed silence)
Me: “Put that in your bag and smoke it, next time just doesn’t ask ok?”
I hurriedly walk away with out a backwards glance, whilst whistling and smiling.
Next time (if there is a next time) if we are told to do it in the morning, we are simply taking the day off or I will refuse to do it in the morning…too much hassle. I did feel sorry for Mimi though and he was very proud when he reached his goal..LOL.
Disaster Night
That one word sums up the whole night…DISASTER. As a dutiful female going through infertility treatment, I mixed the Pregnyl 5000 early in the night. Getting it ready for my injection time of 8:00pm. But for some reason I couldn’t get rid of the air bubbles, so I left it until our injection time.
8:00pm came around and I again tried to remove the air bubble, instead of the air being slowly pushed out after the meds came spurting out. As you can imagine I freaked out…had a big freak feast.
I then proceed to try and find my doctors emergency number, then remembered that his card is at work. I called my Pharmacy to check if they had Pregnyl 5000 in stock, which they didn’t. I then called Monash Hospital, no help and no advice and but this time I’m getting hysterical.
I needed to take that injection so that I could ovulate and no one would help me. I even called Clayton Pharmacy near the IVF clinic, nothing but they did tell me to call the Bentleigh Pharmacy still nothing. My last resort was to call Epworth Hospital and luckily they had stock but were closing at 10:00pm. I had just over an hour to get there, phew!
On the way to hospital my darling Mimi was yelling at me that I was so stupid and very much like my Mother, when I get angry I just do things with out thinking…like squirting the rest of the meds down the drain. He was also yelling that I was going to “expect” him to preform his husband duties.
By this time I’m hot, sweaty, stressed and wondering if this cycle is cursed to be a disaster. I finally got my meds and I felt like a druggie getting their hit, I was shaking with gratitude when the lady handed over the little brown paper bag.
Nothing really has gone right this cycle, my oestrogen levels didn’t really rise properly and the follicles were growing really slowly and there has not been more than one consecutive night where I’ve had my injection at the designated time. We both keep on forgetting to do the injection. My hopes are not that high this month; it feels like we are cursed.
Plus I keep hearing J voice, other than “Do you want to loose weight”, I now hear “You will have your baby, once your body is ready”. My mind then links both of them to “Your body will NOT be ready until you loose the weight”… Who knows!
8:00pm came around and I again tried to remove the air bubble, instead of the air being slowly pushed out after the meds came spurting out. As you can imagine I freaked out…had a big freak feast.
I then proceed to try and find my doctors emergency number, then remembered that his card is at work. I called my Pharmacy to check if they had Pregnyl 5000 in stock, which they didn’t. I then called Monash Hospital, no help and no advice and but this time I’m getting hysterical.
I needed to take that injection so that I could ovulate and no one would help me. I even called Clayton Pharmacy near the IVF clinic, nothing but they did tell me to call the Bentleigh Pharmacy still nothing. My last resort was to call Epworth Hospital and luckily they had stock but were closing at 10:00pm. I had just over an hour to get there, phew!
On the way to hospital my darling Mimi was yelling at me that I was so stupid and very much like my Mother, when I get angry I just do things with out thinking…like squirting the rest of the meds down the drain. He was also yelling that I was going to “expect” him to preform his husband duties.
By this time I’m hot, sweaty, stressed and wondering if this cycle is cursed to be a disaster. I finally got my meds and I felt like a druggie getting their hit, I was shaking with gratitude when the lady handed over the little brown paper bag.
Nothing really has gone right this cycle, my oestrogen levels didn’t really rise properly and the follicles were growing really slowly and there has not been more than one consecutive night where I’ve had my injection at the designated time. We both keep on forgetting to do the injection. My hopes are not that high this month; it feels like we are cursed.
Plus I keep hearing J voice, other than “Do you want to loose weight”, I now hear “You will have your baby, once your body is ready”. My mind then links both of them to “Your body will NOT be ready until you loose the weight”… Who knows!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Update
OI Cycle
Today is Cycle Day 16 for me and I haven’t updated in a while with the cycle details so here goes:
Internal u/s last Thursday showed that my Left ovary had a 12mm follicle present and that my Right ovary had a 9mm follicle present, I was not very happy, actually I was quite disappointed that things were not progressing like I was used to.
Then in the afternoon when P (the nurse) called me and told me that my oestrogen level rose from 222 on Monday to 389, I didn’t really know what was going to happen.
In the end I stayed on Gonal-f doing 150ui until this morning here I had another internal u/s and b/t, plus we were “told” to have sex both Saturday and Sunday, just in case I ovulated on my own.
This morning there was a nice big fat juicy follicle present on my Left ovary, unfortunately it was hidden and they had to push down on my ovary so to bring it into view. Normally when they push on my stomach it isn’t too bad but this morning…it hurt like hell, wasn’t a nice feeling.
Just got off the phone with P, oestrogen today was 1643, so that plan is to take the Pregnyl 5000 injection tonight. Have sex tonight, and Wednesday morning and Thursday night. Next b/t is on Friday to see if I need the booster Pregnyl shot the following b/t is on Tuesday to check levels. Next Tuesday I will be 8DPO.
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No bread, no sugar, no salt
I have to think of an acronym for this diet or change in “life style” thing that I’m trying to do. What about No BSS?
Last week I ate bread once for lunch just couldn’t help it…was running late in between meetings (one of them was learning how to play bridge…during lunch break), so I grabbed a sandwich. I was invited out for lunch a few times last week and it is hard to order something to eat with NO BSS. So I had salads both times, not too bad.
After work, Agi has been kind enough to cook for us (when they are able to) and she always makes the effort to cook with no BSS for me. Which I great appreciate, must buy her something!
Yesterday we went out to celebrate my Mum’s birthday and it was a set lunch you couldn’t order your own meal. Even though it was lovely and you wouldn’t think any of it contained too much fat, it was hard to gage that there was infact no BSS.
In the morning I spent 2 hours doing my grocery shopping Mimi would say that I was dawdling, but I really spent that time looking at just about everything you can eat to see if there was any BSS present in the ingredients. I was so disappointed and really pissed off that the things I thought were OK were infact not OK…BSS was present. The cereal that I was eating all week had fucken salt present. Pasta has salt, sauces even organic stuff has both sugar and salt, even the seasoning that I sometimes use on meat has salt present. I just can’t win.
It seems that for me to be able to do this BSS thing I will need to make everything that I want to eat and only eat fresh things like fruits, veggies and meat. Nothing at all processed, which is hard to even start thinking about.
But I’ve decided to pull out my old Sure Slim diet guide again and have a look at the foods that I was “allowed” to eat and modify it to exclude BSS.
Today is Cycle Day 16 for me and I haven’t updated in a while with the cycle details so here goes:
Internal u/s last Thursday showed that my Left ovary had a 12mm follicle present and that my Right ovary had a 9mm follicle present, I was not very happy, actually I was quite disappointed that things were not progressing like I was used to.
Then in the afternoon when P (the nurse) called me and told me that my oestrogen level rose from 222 on Monday to 389, I didn’t really know what was going to happen.
In the end I stayed on Gonal-f doing 150ui until this morning here I had another internal u/s and b/t, plus we were “told” to have sex both Saturday and Sunday, just in case I ovulated on my own.
This morning there was a nice big fat juicy follicle present on my Left ovary, unfortunately it was hidden and they had to push down on my ovary so to bring it into view. Normally when they push on my stomach it isn’t too bad but this morning…it hurt like hell, wasn’t a nice feeling.
Just got off the phone with P, oestrogen today was 1643, so that plan is to take the Pregnyl 5000 injection tonight. Have sex tonight, and Wednesday morning and Thursday night. Next b/t is on Friday to see if I need the booster Pregnyl shot the following b/t is on Tuesday to check levels. Next Tuesday I will be 8DPO.
******************************
No bread, no sugar, no salt
I have to think of an acronym for this diet or change in “life style” thing that I’m trying to do. What about No BSS?
Last week I ate bread once for lunch just couldn’t help it…was running late in between meetings (one of them was learning how to play bridge…during lunch break), so I grabbed a sandwich. I was invited out for lunch a few times last week and it is hard to order something to eat with NO BSS. So I had salads both times, not too bad.
After work, Agi has been kind enough to cook for us (when they are able to) and she always makes the effort to cook with no BSS for me. Which I great appreciate, must buy her something!
Yesterday we went out to celebrate my Mum’s birthday and it was a set lunch you couldn’t order your own meal. Even though it was lovely and you wouldn’t think any of it contained too much fat, it was hard to gage that there was infact no BSS.
In the morning I spent 2 hours doing my grocery shopping Mimi would say that I was dawdling, but I really spent that time looking at just about everything you can eat to see if there was any BSS present in the ingredients. I was so disappointed and really pissed off that the things I thought were OK were infact not OK…BSS was present. The cereal that I was eating all week had fucken salt present. Pasta has salt, sauces even organic stuff has both sugar and salt, even the seasoning that I sometimes use on meat has salt present. I just can’t win.
It seems that for me to be able to do this BSS thing I will need to make everything that I want to eat and only eat fresh things like fruits, veggies and meat. Nothing at all processed, which is hard to even start thinking about.
But I’ve decided to pull out my old Sure Slim diet guide again and have a look at the foods that I was “allowed” to eat and modify it to exclude BSS.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Dear Bobim
It has been a while since I wrote to you my little one, but this does not mean that you have not been in my thoughts. Mummy is not a patient woman so having to wait to start another to try to conceive you for such a long time has been very difficult.
I’m sorry little one, I feel guilty that I have been kind of neglecting you, as I haven’t written to you. Your little toy box / chest hasn’t really had much more added to it. I’ve started collecting nappies for you, all sorts of different nappies. Thanks to Jill who knows all the best Websites to visit and the best brands to buy. You will even have purple nappies, can you believe it purple. Mummy loves the colour purple atm.
I haven’t had to look at nappies for 11 years, since Tina was a baby, so the new ones that you can get today are so fascinating and cool. The other day Mamma showed me her stash of clothes for you. I thought that it was just me that was collecting clothes, blankets, towels and nappies. But Mamma stash was quite impressive she gave me this beautiful blanket to take home. It was (is) yellow fleecy one with bees and butterflies on it.
I will try to write to you more often now that we have started this cycle. I love you with all my heart, even though you are not physically with me in the present.
I’m sorry little one, I feel guilty that I have been kind of neglecting you, as I haven’t written to you. Your little toy box / chest hasn’t really had much more added to it. I’ve started collecting nappies for you, all sorts of different nappies. Thanks to Jill who knows all the best Websites to visit and the best brands to buy. You will even have purple nappies, can you believe it purple. Mummy loves the colour purple atm.
I haven’t had to look at nappies for 11 years, since Tina was a baby, so the new ones that you can get today are so fascinating and cool. The other day Mamma showed me her stash of clothes for you. I thought that it was just me that was collecting clothes, blankets, towels and nappies. But Mamma stash was quite impressive she gave me this beautiful blanket to take home. It was (is) yellow fleecy one with bees and butterflies on it.
I will try to write to you more often now that we have started this cycle. I love you with all my heart, even though you are not physically with me in the present.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
My Husband
My Mimi may not be the best looking bloke in the world and he may not be the kindest, romantic, ideal husband that woman desire. But he is my match, just right for me.
I don’t get flowers which is ok for me, but my darling husband takes the time to come into the city to pick me up from work so that we can spend sometime together. He works half way between home and the city so he is adding an extra hour or so of driving just to pick me up and look after me.
He also does the injections for me, I just can’t do them to myself and he refuses to put me in that situation where I would need to.
I sometimes feel as though I’m very selfish and that I neglect him, we are not intimate that often and I can’t help feeling guilty about it. When we are on the injections and are TTCing then we do as often as we can. But in those months where I’m not on Gonal-f, part of me feels as though it is not worth the effort, as no baby will come of it, so I say the hell with it.
I don’t mean to distance myself from him during the non-OI months, but I think that it is quite normal in the infertility world to not bother and just relax and hold off.
I think that in the next non-OI month I will try to make an effort to spend more time with him and not think of our intimacy as just for making babies.
I don’t get flowers which is ok for me, but my darling husband takes the time to come into the city to pick me up from work so that we can spend sometime together. He works half way between home and the city so he is adding an extra hour or so of driving just to pick me up and look after me.
He also does the injections for me, I just can’t do them to myself and he refuses to put me in that situation where I would need to.
I sometimes feel as though I’m very selfish and that I neglect him, we are not intimate that often and I can’t help feeling guilty about it. When we are on the injections and are TTCing then we do as often as we can. But in those months where I’m not on Gonal-f, part of me feels as though it is not worth the effort, as no baby will come of it, so I say the hell with it.
I don’t mean to distance myself from him during the non-OI months, but I think that it is quite normal in the infertility world to not bother and just relax and hold off.
I think that in the next non-OI month I will try to make an effort to spend more time with him and not think of our intimacy as just for making babies.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
To my family and friends
An Copy of a post from a website that I visit!
Infertility Etiquette for Family and Freinds
By Vita Alligood
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways
1) They will eventually conceive a baby.
2) They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
3) They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Infertility Etiquette for Family and Freinds
By Vita Alligood
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways
1) They will eventually conceive a baby.
2) They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
3) They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Results
On my left ovary there were 16 follies the largest being 2mm and on the right side there were 20 follies the largest being 5 mm. Can’t remember the actual hormone levels but they were normal and good. I’ve been given the go ahead to start the Gonal-F pen tonight on 112.5iu. My next blood test is scheduled for Friday at 8:40am.
When I walked into the clinic this morning for the b/t I was blown away with the warm reception that I received, even though this is my third OI cycle I was surprised that the nurses remembered my name. It was a quiet morning for them and there was no one waiting, so when I walked in they both said a big hello to me and that I was “unfortunately” welcomed back.
This reception blew me away and I kind of commented on this that I was surprised that they remembered me, the response that I received was “No matter how you are going, either if it is good or bad in your cycle you are always smiling”.
On the train into work I thought about this and all I can really remember from my cycles of OI is that I’ve always been positive that what I am doing will help me achieve my dream. I also figured that if I’m having a bad day or a slow cycle it is not the fault of the nurses who work there but it is the way my body is responding to the treatment. Who am I to take that out on them?
Next update will be on Friday if not earlier. Maybe this time I will do the injections myself!
When I walked into the clinic this morning for the b/t I was blown away with the warm reception that I received, even though this is my third OI cycle I was surprised that the nurses remembered my name. It was a quiet morning for them and there was no one waiting, so when I walked in they both said a big hello to me and that I was “unfortunately” welcomed back.
This reception blew me away and I kind of commented on this that I was surprised that they remembered me, the response that I received was “No matter how you are going, either if it is good or bad in your cycle you are always smiling”.
On the train into work I thought about this and all I can really remember from my cycles of OI is that I’ve always been positive that what I am doing will help me achieve my dream. I also figured that if I’m having a bad day or a slow cycle it is not the fault of the nurses who work there but it is the way my body is responding to the treatment. Who am I to take that out on them?
Next update will be on Friday if not earlier. Maybe this time I will do the injections myself!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Back on the bandwagon
I can now say that I’m officially on CD02, my last cycle was 71 days, oh the joys of having irregular cycles and never knowing when your period is going to show up and then having to take drugs to convince your body that you should start bleeding soon or nowish!
Tomorrow morning is my base line u/s and b/t, 7:15am. I’m praying that I don’t have any cysts present and it is highly unlikely that there will be anything there, as I have not been using Gonal-f. So I’m back on the TTC wagon again after over 2 months of waiting.
Metformin, my body is slowly getting used to this drug but I’m still suffering from the side affects and it is not a nice side affect. I hate the toilet call in the middle of the night, could do with out the sleep interruption to go and sit there and wait till my body expels itself (I’m trying to put it nicely that I’m having diarrhoea). The cramping is the worst thing that I have to cope with. Plus remembering to take the bloody tablet every night.
My doctor wanted me to increase the does to two tablets a day after the first week and I haven’t as yet. I figure that I’m suffering enough with one tablet I don’t know what I will be like on two. I think that I would need to migrate to my ensuite permanently until my body got used to it. Plus the Kinesiology lady told me to stick with one. I also figure that if my doctor doesn’t know that I haven’t increased my dosage it won’t hurt him! Even if it did I would tell him to stuff it!
Tomorrow morning is my base line u/s and b/t, 7:15am. I’m praying that I don’t have any cysts present and it is highly unlikely that there will be anything there, as I have not been using Gonal-f. So I’m back on the TTC wagon again after over 2 months of waiting.
Metformin, my body is slowly getting used to this drug but I’m still suffering from the side affects and it is not a nice side affect. I hate the toilet call in the middle of the night, could do with out the sleep interruption to go and sit there and wait till my body expels itself (I’m trying to put it nicely that I’m having diarrhoea). The cramping is the worst thing that I have to cope with. Plus remembering to take the bloody tablet every night.
My doctor wanted me to increase the does to two tablets a day after the first week and I haven’t as yet. I figure that I’m suffering enough with one tablet I don’t know what I will be like on two. I think that I would need to migrate to my ensuite permanently until my body got used to it. Plus the Kinesiology lady told me to stick with one. I also figure that if my doctor doesn’t know that I haven’t increased my dosage it won’t hurt him! Even if it did I would tell him to stuff it!
Monday, February 14, 2005
It has arrived!!
My period has taken it bloody time getting here, I’ve been spotting for the last few days and the nurses don’t count a period until it is full flow (sorry to spell it all out for you)! But it is finally here and tomorrow morning there will be a phone call to the nurse to get my OI cycle started.
We have had a really nice weekend this weekend with us going to the city for Chinese New Year and then today going to Healesville Sanctuary, where I haven’t been in years, mostly likely since High School.
My diet well, as I thought it was and is difficult to cut bread out of my diet altogether. I love bread it makes a big portion of my diet and of course we had pizza tonight…my fault as it was my suggestion. Other than that Agi and I have taken it turns cooking dinner.
During the week days, I’ve had my apple yogurt shake thing and have been taking salads for lunch. I just lack the discipline to go back full on to the sure slim diet that I was on. It would mean cutting out a lot of things and being extremely disciplined and atm I just don’t have the strength. I figure that if I’m eating right, even if I do have pasta and potatoes it is better than bloody take away.
Water aerobics was out this week, as I came home with a head ache nearly every bloody day. I’m getting really sick and tired of these head aches. Plus Saturday morning I was so nauseous and cramping from my period, dizzy and of course I woke up with a headache I thought fuck it I’m not going.
At Healesville there were so many families there, stupid of me to think that people wouldn’t take their kids, but during lunch there was this one woman breast feeding her little baby girl and my eyes were drawn to her. I wish that it was me that was doing that to my little girl. I’m usually quite good around pregnant women or new mums, or generally any female with a child. But this one lady really got to me.
On the way home I started getting excited about this cycle, not getting my hopes up high or anything but I knew that we would be trying again in a few weeks (all going as planned). Then this cold feeling started in the pit of my stomach and was moving up through my heart and lungs and it grew into this big huge ball of apprehension that just got logged into my throat.
The big questions entered my mind “Will I have another Miscarriage?”
This just reminded me that I haven’t updated that Tim’s and my blood test all came back normal:
Genetic factors = None for both of us
TORCH (Toxoplasmosis, rubella, cytomegalovirus, herpes and Listeria infection) = all ok nothing to report
Part of me is excited and ready to start another cycle the other part of me is terrified, petrified that I will have another miscarriage and I’m scared of how I will cope, to date I have put on a brave face and when I talk to people about what I have gone through then I’m brief and just skim over the surface. But if you asked me to remember Christmas and the weeks prior to, then I draw a mental blank. I think that this is my way of coping.
We have had a really nice weekend this weekend with us going to the city for Chinese New Year and then today going to Healesville Sanctuary, where I haven’t been in years, mostly likely since High School.
My diet well, as I thought it was and is difficult to cut bread out of my diet altogether. I love bread it makes a big portion of my diet and of course we had pizza tonight…my fault as it was my suggestion. Other than that Agi and I have taken it turns cooking dinner.
During the week days, I’ve had my apple yogurt shake thing and have been taking salads for lunch. I just lack the discipline to go back full on to the sure slim diet that I was on. It would mean cutting out a lot of things and being extremely disciplined and atm I just don’t have the strength. I figure that if I’m eating right, even if I do have pasta and potatoes it is better than bloody take away.
Water aerobics was out this week, as I came home with a head ache nearly every bloody day. I’m getting really sick and tired of these head aches. Plus Saturday morning I was so nauseous and cramping from my period, dizzy and of course I woke up with a headache I thought fuck it I’m not going.
At Healesville there were so many families there, stupid of me to think that people wouldn’t take their kids, but during lunch there was this one woman breast feeding her little baby girl and my eyes were drawn to her. I wish that it was me that was doing that to my little girl. I’m usually quite good around pregnant women or new mums, or generally any female with a child. But this one lady really got to me.
On the way home I started getting excited about this cycle, not getting my hopes up high or anything but I knew that we would be trying again in a few weeks (all going as planned). Then this cold feeling started in the pit of my stomach and was moving up through my heart and lungs and it grew into this big huge ball of apprehension that just got logged into my throat.
The big questions entered my mind “Will I have another Miscarriage?”
This just reminded me that I haven’t updated that Tim’s and my blood test all came back normal:
Genetic factors = None for both of us
TORCH (Toxoplasmosis, rubella, cytomegalovirus, herpes and Listeria infection) = all ok nothing to report
Part of me is excited and ready to start another cycle the other part of me is terrified, petrified that I will have another miscarriage and I’m scared of how I will cope, to date I have put on a brave face and when I talk to people about what I have gone through then I’m brief and just skim over the surface. But if you asked me to remember Christmas and the weeks prior to, then I draw a mental blank. I think that this is my way of coping.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
The appointment
I went to see Dr Nick today and it was great. I was totally worried that we would get the IVF speech and that we really wouldn’t have a choice. But we are staying with OI as it has worked both times. He said that if it hadn’t worked once then we would be doing IUI, we are continuing with OI and timed intercourse…which is exactly what I wanted!
Before we went I made sure that a half hour before hand I sat down and thought of some of the burning questions that I wanted answered. Most important was that I wanted to know if there is a reason why I’ve had multiple m/c and if this was an indication of an incompatibility b/w Tim’s little guys and my eggs.
The answer to that is still unknown and I was given reading material (I love reading material, knowing what it all is about and learning) and we have been given tests to do. One for Tim and the other for me which I need to fast for so it will be done on Thursday.
I also asked the questions of why was I not on Metformin, knowing that even though my diagnosis was borderline PCOS. He had a look at all my results and said that I’m confusing, on Clomid both ovaries responded but then the last OI cycle only one ovary responded. After all that he handed me the script. Was doing the happy dance in my head!
So all in all a good day:
1) Still doing OI with Timed intercourse
2) Been prescribed metformin
3) Doing more investigative tests
Before we went I made sure that a half hour before hand I sat down and thought of some of the burning questions that I wanted answered. Most important was that I wanted to know if there is a reason why I’ve had multiple m/c and if this was an indication of an incompatibility b/w Tim’s little guys and my eggs.
The answer to that is still unknown and I was given reading material (I love reading material, knowing what it all is about and learning) and we have been given tests to do. One for Tim and the other for me which I need to fast for so it will be done on Thursday.
I also asked the questions of why was I not on Metformin, knowing that even though my diagnosis was borderline PCOS. He had a look at all my results and said that I’m confusing, on Clomid both ovaries responded but then the last OI cycle only one ovary responded. After all that he handed me the script. Was doing the happy dance in my head!
So all in all a good day:
1) Still doing OI with Timed intercourse
2) Been prescribed metformin
3) Doing more investigative tests
Friday, January 28, 2005
Nervous
I have my appointment to see Dr N (who is my fertility specialist) and I’m very nervous. I know for sure that he will be asking us what we want to do as the next step, and honestly IVF terrifies me. I’m already used to the monitoring (funny how you get used to these things so quickly when I’ve only had 2 cycles), and Tim and I have worked out a schedule for when b/t and u/s are being done. He drops me off at the clinic and afterwards I walk to the train station to go to work.
There was a time where Tim has out right refused to even think about IVF as he doesn’t want to go in and drop a sample of on demand. I think that he still feels this way, but I haven’t breached the IVF subject with him again.
Seeing as both the OI cycles have worked, that is I’ve fallen pg both times (and have had M/c both times), I would like to continue with OI as it has worked so far. Plus the first time I saw Dr Nick it was agreed that we would do 3 OI cycles and I haven’t done the third one yet. I’m taking Provera in the preparation of bringing AF on to start my third one.
I haven’t discussed this with Tim but IUI is also something that he will NOT want to do…unless he can do his sample business at home and I take it in with me. But I don’t know if this clinic allows samples being done at home.
I also know that Dr Nick will say to me to loose weight and I’ve started back on my diet (today…thanks Bugsy for the inspiration). So I can report to him that I’m trying, but I don’t want to wait. I want to ask Dr Nick why he hasn’t prescribed me metformin to help regulate my cycles.
So Monday is milestone for me and I’m nervous, I want answers too of why does he think that I fell pg twice but lost them both times. Why are my little ones not sticking…do you think that I may be asking him a too hard question? Almost like what is the meaning of Life kind of thing?
There was a time where Tim has out right refused to even think about IVF as he doesn’t want to go in and drop a sample of on demand. I think that he still feels this way, but I haven’t breached the IVF subject with him again.
Seeing as both the OI cycles have worked, that is I’ve fallen pg both times (and have had M/c both times), I would like to continue with OI as it has worked so far. Plus the first time I saw Dr Nick it was agreed that we would do 3 OI cycles and I haven’t done the third one yet. I’m taking Provera in the preparation of bringing AF on to start my third one.
I haven’t discussed this with Tim but IUI is also something that he will NOT want to do…unless he can do his sample business at home and I take it in with me. But I don’t know if this clinic allows samples being done at home.
I also know that Dr Nick will say to me to loose weight and I’ve started back on my diet (today…thanks Bugsy for the inspiration). So I can report to him that I’m trying, but I don’t want to wait. I want to ask Dr Nick why he hasn’t prescribed me metformin to help regulate my cycles.
So Monday is milestone for me and I’m nervous, I want answers too of why does he think that I fell pg twice but lost them both times. Why are my little ones not sticking…do you think that I may be asking him a too hard question? Almost like what is the meaning of Life kind of thing?
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Where to start
I've read so many blogs in my time and I really have no idea where to start, I could go on and on about my past the ups and downs of TTC for over 2 years...the whole blah blah blah of it all.
But I think that I will start with what happened today. I had a pregnancy blood test this morning and it came back BFN (which I knew). I was given the go ahead to start taking Provera to bring on my period. Very exciting stuff, I really can't wait to get back into the whole AC cycles again. Why...with all the needles, internal ultrasounds and the forever waiting..I hear you ask.
Well I'm excited because it feels as though I'm doing something again not just sitting around waiting until March and I really do enjoy the whole organisation of it all...knowing when to do the injections, going in for the blood tests, going in for the u/s, the whole lot.
I had a pretty average day at work, didn't get all that I wanted done. However I think that we achieve a new record in the project team for the most amount of time spent talking about nothing. I was pretty impressed with our first attempt..talking about bread for half an hour, but this afternoon we spent 45 minutes talking about rain water. Yes we are a very productive group of people, rain water, we covered everything from acid rain, pollution affecting rain water and how certain states here utilise rain water to flush toilets. Tomorrow morning I must send a congratulatory email to the group for a job well done!
NMcC
My dear friend NMcC is at this moment having a knee reconstruction and even though she may never read this blog and is most likely unconscious atm, I just wanted her to know that I'm thinking about you N and I know that you will pull through with flying colours!
I hope that you enjoy the flowers that will be delivered to you in the morning! Rest up and I will see you and speak to you soon.
(Edited to say - I've added in a few old letters that I found..they are still hard to read but give you a bit of insight to what has been happening)
But I think that I will start with what happened today. I had a pregnancy blood test this morning and it came back BFN (which I knew). I was given the go ahead to start taking Provera to bring on my period. Very exciting stuff, I really can't wait to get back into the whole AC cycles again. Why...with all the needles, internal ultrasounds and the forever waiting..I hear you ask.
Well I'm excited because it feels as though I'm doing something again not just sitting around waiting until March and I really do enjoy the whole organisation of it all...knowing when to do the injections, going in for the blood tests, going in for the u/s, the whole lot.
I had a pretty average day at work, didn't get all that I wanted done. However I think that we achieve a new record in the project team for the most amount of time spent talking about nothing. I was pretty impressed with our first attempt..talking about bread for half an hour, but this afternoon we spent 45 minutes talking about rain water. Yes we are a very productive group of people, rain water, we covered everything from acid rain, pollution affecting rain water and how certain states here utilise rain water to flush toilets. Tomorrow morning I must send a congratulatory email to the group for a job well done!
NMcC
My dear friend NMcC is at this moment having a knee reconstruction and even though she may never read this blog and is most likely unconscious atm, I just wanted her to know that I'm thinking about you N and I know that you will pull through with flying colours!
I hope that you enjoy the flowers that will be delivered to you in the morning! Rest up and I will see you and speak to you soon.
(Edited to say - I've added in a few old letters that I found..they are still hard to read but give you a bit of insight to what has been happening)
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
The first goodbye
Dearest Bobim
I found out on Saturday that we definitely lost you. I didn’t even know that you were with us until last Wednesday but by then I had already lost you. I wish that you had stayed and we could’ve gotten to know each other better.
I should’ve known that the Pain I was experiencing last Monday was my body letting me know that I was loosing you, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much today and maybe then I would have so many doubts in my mind.
You may not be physically with us at this moment but I know that you are still with us in spirit. You maybe seeing how upset I am and that I’m not coping too well, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t try again to have you. One way or another you will be with us, Mummy just needs sometime to grieve over the fact that you were physically here but now you are gone.
Bobim – My heart hurts so bad, the pain is worse than when I physically lost you, however with all pain it eventually goes away or you get used to it. At the moment it is unbearable and this is why Mummy is taking a break from the world.
So this month we decided to take a short break form trying for you, with the injections and being monitored so closely. But come October we will try again, the nurse just want to see if my period comes back normally.
I love you with all my heart and one day I will read this again and hopefully by then it won’t hurt so much.
Lots of hugs and kisses.
Mummy
I found out on Saturday that we definitely lost you. I didn’t even know that you were with us until last Wednesday but by then I had already lost you. I wish that you had stayed and we could’ve gotten to know each other better.
I should’ve known that the Pain I was experiencing last Monday was my body letting me know that I was loosing you, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much today and maybe then I would have so many doubts in my mind.
You may not be physically with us at this moment but I know that you are still with us in spirit. You maybe seeing how upset I am and that I’m not coping too well, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t try again to have you. One way or another you will be with us, Mummy just needs sometime to grieve over the fact that you were physically here but now you are gone.
Bobim – My heart hurts so bad, the pain is worse than when I physically lost you, however with all pain it eventually goes away or you get used to it. At the moment it is unbearable and this is why Mummy is taking a break from the world.
So this month we decided to take a short break form trying for you, with the injections and being monitored so closely. But come October we will try again, the nurse just want to see if my period comes back normally.
I love you with all my heart and one day I will read this again and hopefully by then it won’t hurt so much.
Lots of hugs and kisses.
Mummy
Friday, September 10, 2004
When I first new
BobimI didn’t write to you on Tuesday as my period arrived on Monday and I thought that it would be a waste of time to go for a blood test when I knew that it would be negative. Or so I thought! I finally got in touch with my nurse and she scheduled another blood for Wednesday.
I was happily waiting for the results of the blood test getting ready and excited about starting another cycle. When my nurse called yesterday afternoon, she told me that I had HCG levels in my blood. These levels are only produced if the person is pregnant.
Bobim – I was shocked to find out that you are finally with us, but that I might be loosing you at the same time! P told me not to get my hopes up too high as I am bleeding and it is not a good sign and my HCG levels are low 51. When I got off the phone with P I sat in the meeting room for a long time just crying..happy tears little one, they were happy tears. I couldn’t believe that you were/are with me, right now you are inside me fighting to stay. I rang Daddy in tears and could hardly tell him that you were here. Daddy too started to cry.
I then rang Pappa and could only say “You may be a grandfather” and he couldn’t talk to me as he too was crying. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high as I may have already lost you. But it is hard; part of me feels like jumping up and down running around the office screaming, “My Bobim is finally here!”
Ellie sent me an SMS last night and again this morning, I haven’t told her yet as we find out on Saturday if you are here to stay or if I’ve lost you. There are a lot of people hoping that you are here to stay, I’m sending you all our love little on and try to be brave and fight to stay with us. Only two more sleeps till I know if you are here for good.
Lot’s of love little one.
Mummy.
I was happily waiting for the results of the blood test getting ready and excited about starting another cycle. When my nurse called yesterday afternoon, she told me that I had HCG levels in my blood. These levels are only produced if the person is pregnant.
Bobim – I was shocked to find out that you are finally with us, but that I might be loosing you at the same time! P told me not to get my hopes up too high as I am bleeding and it is not a good sign and my HCG levels are low 51. When I got off the phone with P I sat in the meeting room for a long time just crying..happy tears little one, they were happy tears. I couldn’t believe that you were/are with me, right now you are inside me fighting to stay. I rang Daddy in tears and could hardly tell him that you were here. Daddy too started to cry.
I then rang Pappa and could only say “You may be a grandfather” and he couldn’t talk to me as he too was crying. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high as I may have already lost you. But it is hard; part of me feels like jumping up and down running around the office screaming, “My Bobim is finally here!”
Ellie sent me an SMS last night and again this morning, I haven’t told her yet as we find out on Saturday if you are here to stay or if I’ve lost you. There are a lot of people hoping that you are here to stay, I’m sending you all our love little on and try to be brave and fight to stay with us. Only two more sleeps till I know if you are here for good.
Lot’s of love little one.
Mummy.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Number 2
Mummy is not doing too good this morning, I have been crying a little and feeling very alone and sad. I dreamt about you, holding you and wanting to have you inside me, but at the moment I can’t wait any longer, I want you now. Is that so much to ask?
I find out on Tuesday if I am pregnant with you, Tuesday the 7th September will either be a day of eminence joy or great disappointment. Daddy wants me to do a pregnancy test tomorrow morning, but Bobim I’m terrified. At this moment I want you so much and I’m scared that if you are not here with me I won’t be able to cope.
I hope that in your life you will never have to go through this pain of waiting and wanting a child so much that it hurts to breath.
To keep me from going totally crazy (and probably in years to come you will call me crazy), I’ve started compiling a list (you will get to know that Mummy loves her lists) of names for you. This little exercise has recently brought me a lot of joy and excitement. Daddy is starting to ask me about new names that I have found during the day.
I dreamt / thought about you room this morning whilst lying in bed and I can’t wait to tell Daddy about it. As we don’t know if you are going to be a boy or a girl I thought that we paint your walls in your room a nice green colour. With White borders and beautiful white curtains that make you room nice and dark for when you arrive.
I want to get started on your room straight away, right now even. But because I don’t know if you are here I’m holding off. Buying Clothes for you is one thing but starting to get your room ready is another big step that I’m holding off starting until we know that you are definitely here.
We had floating floorboards laid on Monday kind of in preparation for you, but really because the carpet was shocking. After 6 years living here there are bound to be a lot of stains. So now we have glossy new floor boards in half the house, and when I was able to walk on them I had this vision of you bum shuffling / or crawling across the floor with your laughter.
We even bought a new couch with you in mind we made sure that the fabric was durable and stain resistant. You are never far from our thoughts and whenever we make plans you are always included.
All my love my precious little one, wish me luck for Tuesday.
Mummy.
I find out on Tuesday if I am pregnant with you, Tuesday the 7th September will either be a day of eminence joy or great disappointment. Daddy wants me to do a pregnancy test tomorrow morning, but Bobim I’m terrified. At this moment I want you so much and I’m scared that if you are not here with me I won’t be able to cope.
I hope that in your life you will never have to go through this pain of waiting and wanting a child so much that it hurts to breath.
To keep me from going totally crazy (and probably in years to come you will call me crazy), I’ve started compiling a list (you will get to know that Mummy loves her lists) of names for you. This little exercise has recently brought me a lot of joy and excitement. Daddy is starting to ask me about new names that I have found during the day.
I dreamt / thought about you room this morning whilst lying in bed and I can’t wait to tell Daddy about it. As we don’t know if you are going to be a boy or a girl I thought that we paint your walls in your room a nice green colour. With White borders and beautiful white curtains that make you room nice and dark for when you arrive.
I want to get started on your room straight away, right now even. But because I don’t know if you are here I’m holding off. Buying Clothes for you is one thing but starting to get your room ready is another big step that I’m holding off starting until we know that you are definitely here.
We had floating floorboards laid on Monday kind of in preparation for you, but really because the carpet was shocking. After 6 years living here there are bound to be a lot of stains. So now we have glossy new floor boards in half the house, and when I was able to walk on them I had this vision of you bum shuffling / or crawling across the floor with your laughter.
We even bought a new couch with you in mind we made sure that the fabric was durable and stain resistant. You are never far from our thoughts and whenever we make plans you are always included.
All my love my precious little one, wish me luck for Tuesday.
Mummy.
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