Monday, February 14, 2005

It has arrived!!

My period has taken it bloody time getting here, I’ve been spotting for the last few days and the nurses don’t count a period until it is full flow (sorry to spell it all out for you)! But it is finally here and tomorrow morning there will be a phone call to the nurse to get my OI cycle started.

We have had a really nice weekend this weekend with us going to the city for Chinese New Year and then today going to Healesville Sanctuary, where I haven’t been in years, mostly likely since High School.

My diet well, as I thought it was and is difficult to cut bread out of my diet altogether. I love bread it makes a big portion of my diet and of course we had pizza tonight…my fault as it was my suggestion. Other than that Agi and I have taken it turns cooking dinner.

During the week days, I’ve had my apple yogurt shake thing and have been taking salads for lunch. I just lack the discipline to go back full on to the sure slim diet that I was on. It would mean cutting out a lot of things and being extremely disciplined and atm I just don’t have the strength. I figure that if I’m eating right, even if I do have pasta and potatoes it is better than bloody take away.

Water aerobics was out this week, as I came home with a head ache nearly every bloody day. I’m getting really sick and tired of these head aches. Plus Saturday morning I was so nauseous and cramping from my period, dizzy and of course I woke up with a headache I thought fuck it I’m not going.

At Healesville there were so many families there, stupid of me to think that people wouldn’t take their kids, but during lunch there was this one woman breast feeding her little baby girl and my eyes were drawn to her. I wish that it was me that was doing that to my little girl. I’m usually quite good around pregnant women or new mums, or generally any female with a child. But this one lady really got to me.

On the way home I started getting excited about this cycle, not getting my hopes up high or anything but I knew that we would be trying again in a few weeks (all going as planned). Then this cold feeling started in the pit of my stomach and was moving up through my heart and lungs and it grew into this big huge ball of apprehension that just got logged into my throat.

The big questions entered my mind “Will I have another Miscarriage?”

This just reminded me that I haven’t updated that Tim’s and my blood test all came back normal:
Genetic factors = None for both of us
TORCH (Toxoplasmosis, rubella, cytomegalovirus, herpes and Listeria infection) = all ok nothing to report

Part of me is excited and ready to start another cycle the other part of me is terrified, petrified that I will have another miscarriage and I’m scared of how I will cope, to date I have put on a brave face and when I talk to people about what I have gone through then I’m brief and just skim over the surface. But if you asked me to remember Christmas and the weeks prior to, then I draw a mental blank. I think that this is my way of coping.

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