The weekend that was (a bit late)

I had Ellie and Tina stay here over the weekend and it was a nice distraction, from the way that I’ve been feeling lately. I’m currently typing on our new laptop whilst watching one of my many chick flicks that I own. Ellie is watching me type this is was getting upset that I described our weekend together as a “nice distraction”.

But she will get over it, both Tina and Ellie know how much Mimi and I love them. The worst part for me is always when they leave, my house has been filled with laughing, screaming, and sarcasm, teasing, joking and loving. Even though they are “classes” as teenagers that are still children, whom I can pretend are mine for three nights.

Last night we went to watch Tina play basket ball and even though she kinda sucked it was nice to sit there and watch my niece try her hardest to play. Their team got slaughter. On the way out of the court, there was a small team meeting and Mimi looks at me with longing in his eyes and says “I can’t wait until we do this with our kids”.

That just broke my heart, after months of ‘having a break’ I feel like our lives will not end if we don’t have our own child as there will be other ways to fill it with children. However having said that I can’t help the feel that my heart is not complete and will not ever be complete.

I can’t wait to get started with OI again but it really feels like a lifetime away. I’m hoping that the new doctor will be able to help us with out goal. I hat how I’m feeling these days lost, sad, no motivation, depressed even. I think that it maybe time to see J again and get balanced. I think that this is the main reason why I’m feeling the way I am.

Things that should NEVER be said to an infertile

“Better luck next time”

“Maybe you should have a D&C to ‘clean’ you out and then you will fall pregnant”

“I though that you were on a break”

“If you are going on a break, perhaps you should take contraception to stop yourself falling pregnant”

“Maybe you should just stop trying then” (After I mentioned I don’t know how my heart can take anymore miscarriages)

“My friend was told to go on a holiday and she came back pregnant, maybe you need a holiday”.

“Many women suffer miscarriages”

This was all said to me in one conversation. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

Some predictions do come true

I went to see my gp this afternoon as the dreaded time for a Pap smear was on me. What was worse than normal was the doctor wanted to take a swab sample as my uterus looked weird (which were her exact words). Yeah…that won’t stress me…much!

We talked a lot about work, my previous visitors, my fertility issues and of course my diet. I explained to her that I was thinking about starting the fertility treatment again and we talked about me seeing someone else, as I was feeling as though I was not getting the proper treatment with my current one.

She asked me if I had any type of hands on examination, you know them looking at my vagina, uterus check any, you know physical exam. I innocently said:
“No, all he has ordered is blood tests”
“That’s unusual; normally they don’t prescribe fertility treatment until they rule out everything” (which she replied whilst pulling a dramatic face). She went onto say “Perhaps it is best if you see someone from scratch and get a different perspective”.

So I now have my new referral in hand, and I made two appointments today one with old f/s and the other with the new. But and I just knew that this would be the case, they are not available until August…can you believe it August, this is when I was wanting to start treatment not wait and then start in September. Dr New is for the 15th August and Dr Old is for the 25th.

I’m also going to call nurse P tomorrow morning and work out whether or not I can do a treatment with her whilst waiting to see Dr Old, am not going to tell her that I also planing on seeing Dr New at the same time. Or the other option is to just wait and see Dr New and then start treatment… which I’m sure is the way Mimi would love to go.

On one of the Baby websites that I frequent there was a thread a while ago for those ladies who have already gone through IVF, ART and what advice they would pass onto newbies.. Now I don’t consider myself a newbie but this is what was said:

* Test everything BEFORE you begin treatment. From don't let them put you on clomid if they don't know your tubes are clear to don't let them do IVF until you've had a hysteroscopy. It's a waste of time, and energy, and drugs, and it's emotionally draining to be treated when it's not going to work for you.
* get a second opinion. I can't even begin to recount the number of people I've seen waste years of their lives because something was missed or misdiagnosed. No one is omnipotent, everyone makes mistakes, and doctors are people too.
So I’m taking the advice and am seeking a second opinion. Just before I sign off a quick update on my period status…my last period was 14th May. GP recommends that I do a HPT soon (like in the next two weeks)…I just said that it won’t happen if I don’t ovulate.

News from OS

I try to keep in touch with relatives that live OS, so last night I called to receive and give an update. Some of you may remember my previous post at Christmas time where I received a post card from one of my many cousins where she indicated that she was pregnant and due to give birth in June.

I just knew that there was a reason for the overwhelming need to call, I had the feeling all week that she had the baby and sure enough my second cousin gave birth to a healthy baby girl on the 31st May 2005. Whilst I was happy to hear the news, what was very devastating was to find out that her sister (Z) is also pregnant and is due to give birth by the end of August, start of September.

When Mimi and I were there 2 years ago we did discuss starting a family when them and part of me was really happy for Z, I could not help the feeling that both of my babies had to leave me just so that they could have theirs, you know like there was (is) some shortage on souls and my two little souls were given somewhere else rather than stay with me.

Now I’m an intelligent person and my logical part of my brain knows that my notion of “not enough souls” is ridiculous and under any other circumstance I would have dismissed that thought straight away; however I didn’t what is worse I’ve had that thought running through my mind and will not leave me…I even voiced that thought to my mother. Could this be a side affect from in fertility or going through ART? I don’t know, but I certainly don’t like the person that I have become when it is related to Babies.

Ellie's poem

My Poem from me to you

I was sitting here thinking,
Of the words to say
But they didn’t come out right so I found another way.
I got a piece of paper and I wrote this poem for you
But there is not way to thank you for everything you do.

For always being there for me and
Staying by my side
For helping fix my problems
For accepting my thoughts and feelings in which you understood
For never giving up on me,
For making me laugh and letting me cry,
And saying you would miss me if I were to die.

Everything you mean to you could never know,
In all the ways you’ve changed my life I could never show.
You are my shinning star and though it’s so incredible that’s the way you are

Before getting to mushy
It’s time for me to go
But before I leave this ink filled page there one thing you should know
As long as we are living
No matter when or where if you need me I’ll be there
I will climb a hundred mountains and swim a thousand seas
Anything to be there because you’ve been there for me.

Right or wrong reasons

Pain – I’m in a constant state of pain, my body feels so battered and bruised that at times I don’t know how I’m going to go on and yet I feel fantastic, the pain tells me that what I’m doing is right. “No pain no gain” saying comes to mind.

Am I pushing myself too much? Possibly, is this an excuse to give up? Could be, but I’m not going to give up, if it takes a few months of pain to achieve conception then I’m willing to grin and bear it.

I’ve never been the type of person to keep things private, when I suffered the miscarriages I told people at work, not to get sympathy but to educate others (especially women) that sometimes conception is not an easy thing. Until I stated TTC I feel as though I lived in the dark ages. So a lot of people know that I’m TTLW and work has been very supportive.

However there is one glitch and that is people seem to think that I’m doing all this exercise for the wrong reasons. BOBIM. I’ve been told to:
“Do this for yourself and no one else”
“Let go of the fear of never having a baby and loose weight for you”
“Do you want to cherish this body for yours?”
“Look after yourself; you are the most important person at the moment”

I can see that side of the coin, however let me be totally honest here, if I wasn’t trying for my bobi (that is our name we use when we talk about a baby) then I would not be putting myself through this. Sure I want to look good, but that is not important to me, sure I want to be able to buy nice clothes, but again this is not important to me.

I’m excited about loosing weight as I can’t wait to get back into some of my clothes, but that is a side effect, I’m really doing this to conceive my bobi. No other reason. Sure I want to be healthy and live long; However I’m comfortable in my skin, I know who I am, I’ve accepted how I look.

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been told by many people to loose weight “You would be so gorgeous if you lost weight”. “Why don’t you try to loose weight before you go overseas and visit the family, you want to feel comfortable don’t you?”

I have come to the realisation that the main reason why I didn’t want to do this before and why I still fight doing this for me is because I feel that family, friends, work colleagues and general people in my life should accept me how I am and love me for the soul I posses rather than the kilos I carry.

My Mimi has rarely tells me to loose weight and when he does it is only in the context that he see me struggling walking up a hill or he hears me breathing hard after a short walk and he says that he is scared and hates it how I struggle. Yet others in my life say what they think are inspirational words for me to loose weight but they hurt as it is another example where I feel that have not accepted me as I am or they do not love the person I am right now and want me to be something else.

So am I doing this for the right or wrong reasons? By others opinions I am; but if Bobim is the motivation that has made me get up this morning after my first personal training session last night that has caused me to limp this morning and I’m just about to go to a water aerobics class in the deep end of the pool, then in my book I don’t think that it is the wrong reason. At the end of this journey I still may not have my Bobim but I will have lost weight and be healthier.

To me this is as win win situation even if it’s been achieve with the ‘wrong’ intention in mind.

A Baby

On Sunday Mimi and I went to a work function for his work and families were invited, little did I think that the afternoon would be so hard. There were two toddlers and two babies, one was 5 months old and the other was 5 weeks old.

It was nice to talk ‘Babies’ and ask all the kind of usual blah questions, like did you have a hard pregnancy, how is he sleeping and how are you coping. Mind you it was the first time I met these women.

You guessed it they started asking Tim and I THE question…Do you have kids? Are you going to have them…you know the ones. We are so used to answering THOSE questions and I was feeling pretty good.

UNTIL…

I was offered to hold the 5 week old little Jasper, and I’ve held my close friends baby all the time, actually as soon as I set in her door it is almost an automatic thing that I get to cuddle her child. So I thought ok why not I’ll hold little Jasper. He was so cute and calm and so very tiny, not a problem. Then Mimi’s work colleague must have seen the wistful expression on my face and started saying things like, “oh no Mimi you better watch out she looks clucky”.

Mimi promptly replied that fine with me. So the mother of Jasper asked me if we were trying, honesty has always been my policy so I told her the truth. Yes we are but it won’t be easy for us, we then talked about OI (she has a friend going through the same thing and has also suffered miscarriages). I casually try to say, “Every time I’ve done an OI cycle I’ve miscarried, it was on my tongue”. But as the words started coming out I started choking on tears. I held the back and quickly gave the little one back and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

Here I was holding a gorgeous little boy, which represented something that I want more than life itself (atm) and it doesn’t seem to be happening for us. If anything holding little Jasper just gives me more motivation to TTLW and go to my exercise classes; which I did tonight and enjoyed immensely.

Decisions

I’ve had the past 3 days to think about a lot of things that is currently going on in my life and where I want to head and what is most important to me.

This last miscarriage, if nothing else has taught me that even if I pushed things as in continue with OI in this obsessive manner. My Bobim will not stay with me until my body is ready.

Now my heart, mind and soul is ready for our Bobim, but I don’t think that my body is ready for one. What is keeping me back is my weight. I think that J was right and that I have to drop some of this weight.

These decisions that I have made I have fought with my heart and soul against. I don’t want to stop TTCing for God’s sake, but I think that I do need a break from it all.

I need to get my life in order, take some control back. I need to start cooking for my self and not let someone else say “this is diet food” when the meal is swimming in cream.

I thought that it was important for me to push for a promotion at work and work my butt of every day. At the end of the day it has always been drummed into me that work is very important and “You should work hard”.

Yesterday the GP and I talked a lot about everything that was and is going on in my life. Wether or not I continue with OI, my diet and TTLW (trying to loose weight), my work, home life everything.

I admitted to my GP shyly that I’ve been thinking about going to see a counsellor as I feel as though I can’t really cope with a lot of things that is going on in my life and kind of feel out of control. We agreed that I will be seeing her on a weekly or fortnightly basis.

I told the GP about the BSS diet and she told me doing that sort of diet is restrictive and too much to quick. Which I have to agree with, I’m so confused about the whole diet and change of lifestyle thing. I’ve tried and it has never really worked for me.

My task this week, even though I am following the BSS diet (well partially) is to add two pieces of fruit everyday. On another note I have lost another kilo..making it 2.5 kilos altogether another 34.5 kilos to go.

We talked about the number of hours that I work being a full time employee 36.25 hours a week doesn’t seem too much, except when you add another 12.5 hours travel per week. The GP is writing a letter to my Manager that I’m to only work no more than 30 hours per week.

Giving me a day off every week or a compromise of working from home, I have yet to discuss this with my Boss and I’m really scared that they won’t allow me to do this. There is already a resource shortage at work. But I honestly feel that if I am going to achieve my goals I can’t do it whilst working full time. My GP is totally behind me and agrees that my weight and my TTC issues are serious medical reasons for me to be concentrating on my life.

In summary; I will be holding off TTC with AC for a few months maybe only 2, depending when my next period turns up. I will be TTLW with a combination of no BSS, GP advice and my old Sure Slim diet. I will be talking to my boss (after my annual pay rise) about cutting back my hours. I will also be having fortnightly massages (weekly seems a bit excessive) and I will be actively going back to the gym, water aerobics.

My aim is to be pregnant within a year of now, along with being 34.5kg lighter and if after all that I still don’t have Bobim with me then I think that I will do something very, extremely drastic.

The cycle that was

It started off with having to take Provera to bring on my period, it took 3 weeks for it to start instead of the normal 10days. My baseline b/t and u/s were ok and I started on 150iu of Gonal-f and had my u/s, where it showed that my follicles were growing too slowly.

So I continued with the Gonal-f, when my ovaries finally caught up with the worlds expectations and I was to have my trigger. I now call that night the Pregnyl incident, the fear and emotions have still not left me.

Then the intercourse episode of the morning timeframe, also at the same time I had really bad diahorea. Then last Monday I had to the worst constipation in my life, I was bloated like a balloon.

My breasts were sore extremely sore and I had really bad nausea. Even threw my dinner up one night. Then last Thursday during the day I had this awful feeling on the back of my throat it hurt to breathe in through my nose.

This was just before our long weekend where we were meant to go away with our visitors. So I checked and I had a slight fever and took Panadol (Paracetamol) and only one Day and Night tablet. All packaging said it was ok to take if pregnant, well the Day and night tablets for head colds only mentioned that if pregnant seek medical advice. I thought that one or two wouldn’t hurt…surely?!?!?!

Friday I wake up with a bad head cold and I didn’t sleep too well was up every hour going to the toilet (good sign I hear you say) and blowing my nose and was so very thirsty. Off to work were I only lasted half the day (there was an event for the half of the day that I didn’t go to). One the way home went to the Chemist who told me that IF I maybe pregnant I can’t take anything, not even Paracetamol.

I just felt like I was punched in the chest…what did I do to myself and my unborn (yet unknown if present baby), would two heads be growing? Would it be like monsters or would it die all because I wasn’t feeling to well.

We were meant to leave for our trip the following morning at 6am and I could hardly stand being so fucken dizzy. I jumped into bed and tried to sleep, but couldn’t as my nose was blocked and I couldn’t even use my nasal spray…another thing to add to my guilt list. I had used my nasal spray at couple of times during the cycle.

I eventually got up when Mimi got home and packed for the trip, all I could do that night was drink water and try to keep my temperature down as much as possible. Saturday morning we set off and I felt like crap used a box of tissues in the time it took us to get to our destination.

During the 6 hour drive that took us over 12 hours (we stopped a lot) I was sneezing quite a bit and was stressing about the pressure and the cramping action the whole time. How would this affect little Bobim? I didn’t worry too much until everytime I sneezed a great gush of CM would come out of me…OH GOD, THIS IS NOT GOOD. Were my thoughts, now I’m in a car with three other people can’t really ask Mimi to pull over to check my underwear to see if the CM was bloody. COULD I?

Sunday I continued to sneeze and have constant gushing sensations, when the CM started turning pink, I nearly freaked out and lost it. I was either getting my period or making myself miscarry were my thoughts.

During the trip our visitors wanted to eat Seafood wanting to try new things, so I had a lot of fish (I don’t usually eat fish), I made sure that I kept to well cooked dishes and stayed away from the sushi types of foods. But in the back of my mind I was stressing about this, I had heard that you shouldn’t eat fish if you were pregnant.

The worst was about to happen to me, Monday morning at 4am I wake worst pain I have ever experienced before in my life. My left ovary felt like it was about to explode. I went to the toilet and it sounded like I was peeing but in truth it was the was constant blood coming out of me.

My period had arrived or I was miscarrying in a motel room 6 hours away from home and hospital and my doctors. We were leaving for home that day. I had to take something for the pain as I wouldn’t not have been able to function. We didn’t take 12 hours to get home but we did stop for a tour and a look at a few places. I can’t remember much of the tour as every step was excruciating pain. I don’t know how I did it but I put up with the pain.

In the afternoon after eating lunch and our last leg of the drive I sat in the back with Mimi and cried silently most of the way home. The pain was bad and I was potentially loosing another Bobim. This would make it Three times that I lost my Bobim.

I didn’t go to the hospital as by the time I got home the pain has subsided a little, instead I went to bed and tried to sleep. But I was up every hour to change my pad and walk the pain off (iykwim). Tuesday morning Mimi went to work and I stayed home I couldn’t face a day at work in the amount of pain I was feeling in my pelvis and my heart.

I called P and she advised me to go to the GP, Mimi came home from work early to take me and I was off to have b/t and u/s. With the thought that I maybe suffering an ectopic pregnancy. U/s showed only my polycyctic ovaries but no embbie present in my fallopian tubes.

This afternoon it was confirmed that I had another miscarriage, my third one, the beta hCG was 31. Third time of Ovulation Induction third time a successful pregnancy third time miscarriage…my worst fear was here. I lost another Bobim.

Small Update

What a day, I really didn’t want to go to work today. It seems that it is getting harder and harder to go, I’ve got a lot to do and have been given a great opportunity with my job in regards to an advancement. But I just can’t find the strength and motivation to go.

I had another b/t this morning and my levels are as follows:
Friday Today
Oestrogen 1239 1685 (approx)
Progesterone 31 85

The nurse was very happy and didn’t mention that I will be receiving a period soon. She just asked if we had made an appointment for the hCG b/t, which we had…9 more sleeps.

I don’t know what to make of all this, I did ask if this indicated that I was pg, but she told (not so nicely) that she didn’t say that I was pregnant. So I asked what it meant that my progesterone levels rose. I was told that IF something had implanted then I had enough hormones to sustain a pregnancy.

I then asked her if my Progesterone levels had dropped would that mean that I’m getting my period…she replied yes. The only thing that baffled me was that I’m took Pregnyl and wasn’t sure if Pregnyl contained Progesterone…did some searching and it seems that it doesn’t, but I could be wrong.

Who knows…all I know is that my nurse is happy with my levels and I’m quietly happy too, don’t really know what to make of all this…9 more sleeps.

10 more sleeps

The 2WW is a dreaded time for those that don’t have a lot of patients. I still have not had the time to go into my special room and look at all the clothes. My visitors are still with us and that room is pretty packed.

I’m very much constipated atm, and am in a lot of pain with cramping and being just blocked up. I try not to let my mind automatically think that it is because I maybe pregnant, as I have read with the increase in progesterone lead to constipation.

But I also suffer from IBS which means for me uber bad diarrhoea. So who knows, my mind then remembers the small piece of bread that I ate and thinks that my body is blocked up because I broke the No BSS rules.

I then start to wonder about the pain, if there is an embbie present then the pain and discomfort that I’m feeling wouldn’t be very good for our little one.

I have 10 more sleeps until I officially know if I’m pg, but I think but then I will be a nervous reck.

BTW – If you can’t read one of the comments posted here, they are short messages from my father who is writing on Hungarian. The latest message was “Patients will bring you roses”. It’s my fathers way of telling me to “Just relax”. I don’t think that he read the previous posts…relaxing won’t get me pregnant, plus I’ve lost two little ones. I’m going to stress out about anything and everything, but Apu I do love you and thankyou for reading.

The date has been set

The place has been booked and now I’m officially in the 2WW. It was confirmed this afternoon that I ovulated. I always love hearing that and I never tire of receiving such good news.

The stabbing of the injectibles the little bruises that I have scattered across my tummy and the big Pregnyl 5000 incident all paid off in the end. My ovaries co-operated and released an egg.

Now all I have to do is wait patiently until the 17th of March (I will be 17DPO), I’m not a patient person but the 2WW is not that bad for me, some women that I know and chat with hate this time and I can relate and can totally understand where they are coming from.

For me I spend the 2WW in my hope / dream land where I allow myself the time to wonder and do the “What if” game. It is also that time where I go into the room that will be Bobim’s and open the chest and pull out all the clothes, nappies, blankets and towels. I sit there and I re-fold them and put them away.

I often go into that room (I’m in there everyday, when I iron the clothes for work) but I never look into the chest unless I’m in the 2WW. Am I nervous? Hell yes, Am I confident? Hell no. Will I cave and do a HPT early? Of Course!

14 more sleeps until I know.

Instructions

We were given instructions on Monday to have sex this morning being Wednesday morning. Now our mornings are very early as I live 45min from the city I need to catch a train to work and I prefer to be early so that it means I can be early coming home.

So Mimi and I were up at 5am this morning “trying” to get in the mood. Now my Mimi wants a child as much as I do, he’s been more ‘into’ this cycle more than I have. So he was determined to do his bit this morning.

Unfortunately once it did not happen, I suggested that we take a nice shower together (lucky we have an ensuite and our visitors are at the other end of the house). After the shower spent quality time with Mimi to ensure that this time he was nice and ready….nope nothing again.

By this time we are both exhausted as we had been going at it (including the shower) for about an hour and a half. Not to mention a bit stressed and pressured, I was ready to chuck in the towel and say Fuck it…we will just “be naughty” (that’s our way of saying “let’s have sex”) tonight. But my darling Mimi was determined that he was not leaving our bedroom until he did his bit.

So we decided to slept for about an hour and woke up and gave “it” one more good shot…finally we had reached our target and the deed was done…but it meant that I had to stay laying on my back with my legs in the air (or up on the edge of the bed) for another half an hour.

It was then that we both decided to stay home for the day, I was already late for work and I was still tired from all the trying we had been doing. Did I feel guilty? Not one bit, no way hose we were really trying to conceive our Bobim.

I can just imagine what it will be like tomorrow:
PM: “Hi M, how are you feeling?”
Me: “Um oh yeah, much better thanks”
PM: “So what was wrong?”
Me: “Honestly?”
PM: “Yes of course”
Me: “Mimi and I spent the morning following my nurse’s instructions and we were bonking our brains out”.
PM: (hushed silence)
Me: “Put that in your bag and smoke it, next time just doesn’t ask ok?”
I hurriedly walk away with out a backwards glance, whilst whistling and smiling.

Next time (if there is a next time) if we are told to do it in the morning, we are simply taking the day off or I will refuse to do it in the morning…too much hassle. I did feel sorry for Mimi though and he was very proud when he reached his goal..LOL.

Disaster Night

That one word sums up the whole night…DISASTER. As a dutiful female going through infertility treatment, I mixed the Pregnyl 5000 early in the night. Getting it ready for my injection time of 8:00pm. But for some reason I couldn’t get rid of the air bubbles, so I left it until our injection time.

8:00pm came around and I again tried to remove the air bubble, instead of the air being slowly pushed out after the meds came spurting out. As you can imagine I freaked out…had a big freak feast.

I then proceed to try and find my doctors emergency number, then remembered that his card is at work. I called my Pharmacy to check if they had Pregnyl 5000 in stock, which they didn’t. I then called Monash Hospital, no help and no advice and but this time I’m getting hysterical.

I needed to take that injection so that I could ovulate and no one would help me. I even called Clayton Pharmacy near the IVF clinic, nothing but they did tell me to call the Bentleigh Pharmacy still nothing. My last resort was to call Epworth Hospital and luckily they had stock but were closing at 10:00pm. I had just over an hour to get there, phew!

On the way to hospital my darling Mimi was yelling at me that I was so stupid and very much like my Mother, when I get angry I just do things with out thinking…like squirting the rest of the meds down the drain. He was also yelling that I was going to “expect” him to preform his husband duties.

By this time I’m hot, sweaty, stressed and wondering if this cycle is cursed to be a disaster. I finally got my meds and I felt like a druggie getting their hit, I was shaking with gratitude when the lady handed over the little brown paper bag.

Nothing really has gone right this cycle, my oestrogen levels didn’t really rise properly and the follicles were growing really slowly and there has not been more than one consecutive night where I’ve had my injection at the designated time. We both keep on forgetting to do the injection. My hopes are not that high this month; it feels like we are cursed.

Plus I keep hearing J voice, other than “Do you want to loose weight”, I now hear “You will have your baby, once your body is ready”. My mind then links both of them to “Your body will NOT be ready until you loose the weight”… Who knows!

Update

OI Cycle

Today is Cycle Day 16 for me and I haven’t updated in a while with the cycle details so here goes:

Internal u/s last Thursday showed that my Left ovary had a 12mm follicle present and that my Right ovary had a 9mm follicle present, I was not very happy, actually I was quite disappointed that things were not progressing like I was used to.

Then in the afternoon when P (the nurse) called me and told me that my oestrogen level rose from 222 on Monday to 389, I didn’t really know what was going to happen.

In the end I stayed on Gonal-f doing 150ui until this morning here I had another internal u/s and b/t, plus we were “told” to have sex both Saturday and Sunday, just in case I ovulated on my own.

This morning there was a nice big fat juicy follicle present on my Left ovary, unfortunately it was hidden and they had to push down on my ovary so to bring it into view. Normally when they push on my stomach it isn’t too bad but this morning…it hurt like hell, wasn’t a nice feeling.

Just got off the phone with P, oestrogen today was 1643, so that plan is to take the Pregnyl 5000 injection tonight. Have sex tonight, and Wednesday morning and Thursday night. Next b/t is on Friday to see if I need the booster Pregnyl shot the following b/t is on Tuesday to check levels. Next Tuesday I will be 8DPO.

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No bread, no sugar, no salt

I have to think of an acronym for this diet or change in “life style” thing that I’m trying to do. What about No BSS?

Last week I ate bread once for lunch just couldn’t help it…was running late in between meetings (one of them was learning how to play bridge…during lunch break), so I grabbed a sandwich. I was invited out for lunch a few times last week and it is hard to order something to eat with NO BSS. So I had salads both times, not too bad.

After work, Agi has been kind enough to cook for us (when they are able to) and she always makes the effort to cook with no BSS for me. Which I great appreciate, must buy her something!

Yesterday we went out to celebrate my Mum’s birthday and it was a set lunch you couldn’t order your own meal. Even though it was lovely and you wouldn’t think any of it contained too much fat, it was hard to gage that there was infact no BSS.

In the morning I spent 2 hours doing my grocery shopping Mimi would say that I was dawdling, but I really spent that time looking at just about everything you can eat to see if there was any BSS present in the ingredients. I was so disappointed and really pissed off that the things I thought were OK were infact not OK…BSS was present. The cereal that I was eating all week had fucken salt present. Pasta has salt, sauces even organic stuff has both sugar and salt, even the seasoning that I sometimes use on meat has salt present. I just can’t win.

It seems that for me to be able to do this BSS thing I will need to make everything that I want to eat and only eat fresh things like fruits, veggies and meat. Nothing at all processed, which is hard to even start thinking about.

But I’ve decided to pull out my old Sure Slim diet guide again and have a look at the foods that I was “allowed” to eat and modify it to exclude BSS.

Dear Bobim

It has been a while since I wrote to you my little one, but this does not mean that you have not been in my thoughts. Mummy is not a patient woman so having to wait to start another to try to conceive you for such a long time has been very difficult.

I’m sorry little one, I feel guilty that I have been kind of neglecting you, as I haven’t written to you. Your little toy box / chest hasn’t really had much more added to it. I’ve started collecting nappies for you, all sorts of different nappies. Thanks to Jill who knows all the best Websites to visit and the best brands to buy. You will even have purple nappies, can you believe it purple. Mummy loves the colour purple atm.

I haven’t had to look at nappies for 11 years, since Tina was a baby, so the new ones that you can get today are so fascinating and cool. The other day Mamma showed me her stash of clothes for you. I thought that it was just me that was collecting clothes, blankets, towels and nappies. But Mamma stash was quite impressive she gave me this beautiful blanket to take home. It was (is) yellow fleecy one with bees and butterflies on it.

I will try to write to you more often now that we have started this cycle. I love you with all my heart, even though you are not physically with me in the present.

My Husband

My Mimi may not be the best looking bloke in the world and he may not be the kindest, romantic, ideal husband that woman desire. But he is my match, just right for me.

I don’t get flowers which is ok for me, but my darling husband takes the time to come into the city to pick me up from work so that we can spend sometime together. He works half way between home and the city so he is adding an extra hour or so of driving just to pick me up and look after me.

He also does the injections for me, I just can’t do them to myself and he refuses to put me in that situation where I would need to.
I sometimes feel as though I’m very selfish and that I neglect him, we are not intimate that often and I can’t help feeling guilty about it. When we are on the injections and are TTCing then we do as often as we can. But in those months where I’m not on Gonal-f, part of me feels as though it is not worth the effort, as no baby will come of it, so I say the hell with it.

I don’t mean to distance myself from him during the non-OI months, but I think that it is quite normal in the infertility world to not bother and just relax and hold off.

I think that in the next non-OI month I will try to make an effort to spend more time with him and not think of our intimacy as just for making babies.

To my family and friends

An Copy of a post from a website that I visit!

Infertility Etiquette for Family and Freinds
By Vita Alligood

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways
1) They will eventually conceive a baby.
2) They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
3) They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Results

On my left ovary there were 16 follies the largest being 2mm and on the right side there were 20 follies the largest being 5 mm. Can’t remember the actual hormone levels but they were normal and good. I’ve been given the go ahead to start the Gonal-F pen tonight on 112.5iu. My next blood test is scheduled for Friday at 8:40am.

When I walked into the clinic this morning for the b/t I was blown away with the warm reception that I received, even though this is my third OI cycle I was surprised that the nurses remembered my name. It was a quiet morning for them and there was no one waiting, so when I walked in they both said a big hello to me and that I was “unfortunately” welcomed back.

This reception blew me away and I kind of commented on this that I was surprised that they remembered me, the response that I received was “No matter how you are going, either if it is good or bad in your cycle you are always smiling”.

On the train into work I thought about this and all I can really remember from my cycles of OI is that I’ve always been positive that what I am doing will help me achieve my dream. I also figured that if I’m having a bad day or a slow cycle it is not the fault of the nurses who work there but it is the way my body is responding to the treatment. Who am I to take that out on them?

Next update will be on Friday if not earlier. Maybe this time I will do the injections myself!

Back on the bandwagon

I can now say that I’m officially on CD02, my last cycle was 71 days, oh the joys of having irregular cycles and never knowing when your period is going to show up and then having to take drugs to convince your body that you should start bleeding soon or nowish!

Tomorrow morning is my base line u/s and b/t, 7:15am. I’m praying that I don’t have any cysts present and it is highly unlikely that there will be anything there, as I have not been using Gonal-f. So I’m back on the TTC wagon again after over 2 months of waiting.

Metformin, my body is slowly getting used to this drug but I’m still suffering from the side affects and it is not a nice side affect. I hate the toilet call in the middle of the night, could do with out the sleep interruption to go and sit there and wait till my body expels itself (I’m trying to put it nicely that I’m having diarrhoea). The cramping is the worst thing that I have to cope with. Plus remembering to take the bloody tablet every night.

My doctor wanted me to increase the does to two tablets a day after the first week and I haven’t as yet. I figure that I’m suffering enough with one tablet I don’t know what I will be like on two. I think that I would need to migrate to my ensuite permanently until my body got used to it. Plus the Kinesiology lady told me to stick with one. I also figure that if my doctor doesn’t know that I haven’t increased my dosage it won’t hurt him! Even if it did I would tell him to stuff it!