Results

e2 = 298
p4 = 8.0

Now waiting for my period....wish it would hurry up and get here so that I can start again.

Please explain!?!?!?

*****TMI WARNING****

Spotting was really nothing, a couple of little spots on a pad, sent me crazy.. Thanks to Bugsy who has kept me sane over the last day or so.

I only have some light brown, slightly pinkish smudges...when I wipe....and no cramping.

This is so unlike me...

I will get my blood test results this afternoon...

Is this the End??

I've started spotting....tomorrow maybe CD01, I'm still going for the e2, p4 blood test though.

I just knew it...

fuck....

"another one bites the dust......"

Planning ahead

In my mind I’m already planning ahead, I’ve automatically assumed that I’m not pregnant and I’ve already worked out that I can get one more cycle in before Christmas…and guess what?? I’ve already assumed that the next cycle will fail as well.

I want to call Dr New and arrange an appointment just before Christmas, the last time I saw him (at the start of this cycle) he mentioned that we would do 3 OI cycles together and then I would be off to have surgery….to have my stomach stapled…which has now got me convinced that I can’t fall pregnant without this drastic surgery….What is with that?

I’ve also already packed my prescriptions to drop off at the chemist on the way home from work today, so that they can order my goodies for the next cycle…which again I assume is going to fail.

I haven’t got my period, I haven’t done a HPT…I actually don’t have any in the house and have made no plans to buy one…my p4 levels are nice and high and yet here I am expecting to call Dr New’s office on Monday saying that I got my period over the weekend…is my mind bringing my period on..all by itself? You know the whole mind over matter shit…..am I unconsciously making myself not fall pregnant?

Maybe it is time to see J (the kinesiologist) again and see what deep dark feelings I’m hiding from myself as I obviously have no fear anymore that it won’t work…as during the night I have convinced myself that it hasn’t worked….maybe that is my new fear that it will work….but how can that be…I want a baby…don’t I?

Look at this...LOOK!!!

CD27 and 9DPO

I got my results earlier for my blood test yesterday:

e2 = 2187
p4 = 103

Can you believe it 103!!!! It has never been this high before...don't know if it is good sign or not and I know it does mean that I'm....you know...but last cycle my p4 was 70.7 at 9DPO and this cycle it is 103 at 8DPO!!! AND it also means that my p4 level jumped from 17 last Friday to 103 yesterday...

All that keeps on going through my mind is 103, 103, 103...WOW I can't believe it.

Next e2 and p4 is on Monday.

Back and cycle update

We arrived back from our trip late yesterday afternoon, we had such a lovely time just the two of us. A good way to switch off and just enjoy our own company.

Friday on the way to Mildura I got my blood test results for 3 DPO:
- e2 = 800
- p4 = 17

A good sign that I ovulated...yay!

I had another Trigger shot on Friday...hehehehe had to carry the ampules, syringe, needles and medical swab with us and luckily we had an esky (cooler) to keep the ampules at the right temperature.

I was asked to have a another e2 and p4 on Monday but because I was out of Melbourne I asked to move it to Wednesday. Dr New secretary was astonished that I was not in Melbourne and not willing to cut my trip short just to come back for a blood test. Well that it not really true, Tim and I were willing to change our plans but we have always been advised not to change our life style to fit in with TTC.

But after more phone calls to Dr New it didn't seem to bother him that the blood test would take place tomorrow instead of yesterday.

Today I'm CD25 but 7DPO.

Last night

On top of all the texting that was going on, Tim reminded me about the trigger shot at 7:15pm. So I jump up to mix the powder and solvent, when I search the fridge to discover that I don’t have Pregnyl 5000iu. I have plenty gonal-f left and Pregnyl 1500iu but no 5000iu.

Flash backs to a previous month where we had to drive 35km to pick up another one….but before that I called my pharmacy just to check if they had any in stock. There is a particular lady that really looks after me and orders in a few extra meds for me.

I was in luck as they had one set of Ampoules left, I’m usually so very organised when my period arrives I’m off to the pharmacy I went and all was good.

Trigger last night and we manage to complete our task…ok…we did it and it was fantastic….

Bugsy - Yes this cycle is earlier than the last cycle trigger was on CD26, this cycle trigger is on CD18 and today I'm on CD19.

e2 and p4 on Friday.

Next Steps

Trigger shot tonight and then we are to have sex tonight, tommorrow.

On Friday I have an e2 and p4 blood test.

Cycle update

I had a follicle scan this morning here are my results:
CX = 39
CV = 43
9MM lining

Right Ovary = 21 follicles largest being 16 then 11 then 8-3

Left Ovary = 12 follicles largest being 14 then 13.

Weekend and cycle update

Yesterday was the Annual Melbourne 4x4 Camping and Fishing show, Tim and I attend every year, there is always something to and interesting to see. This year however we took along Tim’s parents, the don’t get to the city much.

The show and day were really good, had so much fun climbing in and out of out 4WD camper trailers, there were so many more this year than there were in the past. We always end up buying something and this year we bought map software to take with us when we go camping. We are also thinking about joining a 4WD club again. Now that G and Zs are no longer in our lives, it is not really safe to go into the bush on your own.

Next weekend is a long weekend in Melbourne if you take the Monday 31st Oct off. Tim and I are using this weekend to get away from Melbourne, work, family and friends for a mini break and we are off to the north west of Victoria to Mildura and then onto Echuca. I’m looking forward to taking our new Pathfinder and going to places I’ve never been.

On the cycle front things are looking good moving along faster this time around, mostly because I started on 150iu of FSH. Tomorrow morning I’m going in for a follicle ultrasound. So I will update with the results tomorrow.

I haven’t been asking for my hormone levels, part of me just didn’t want to know. Last cycle I had to know everything but this time around, I’m like…meh…you want me to have another e2….ok. Do I feel any better not knowing? Not sure, work just occupies my mind so much lately that I haven’t really had time to think about it. If you know what I mean.

Quickly

I'm a still here live and kicking, just frantically busy at work. Stupid work, my period arrived on Saturday and about to start the whole process again.

I have a number of posts in mind but are waiting to be written, this cycle I want to concentrate more on the other parts of my life and not just the cycle.

Thank you all so much for your comments...it is the most amount of comments I've ever received!!

Waiting for CD1

I've just been told that my period should be starting soon as my levels dropped:
e2 = 312
p4 = 7.5

Not much else to say...*SIGH*

CD36, 10DPO

e2 = 996
p4 = 70.7

Still waiting for instructions.

Updated to say another e2 and p4 on Thursday.

Slowly going insane (CD35, 9DPO)

I spent most of the weekend plastered in front of the TV, watching the Enterprise Episodes that we bought…geekiness showing through I know. This is the one thing that keeps me relatively sane during the waiting game, by escaping reality and watching TV I don’t have to ‘deal’ with the waiting.

But it is a totally different story here at work, I either through myself into the tasks assigned to me so I drown out all the distractions or I spend time analysis my previous charts and frantically googling.

Today I’m frantic and I’m not handling it at all. I’ve already called Dr New’s office once to find out if they have my results and I’m trying not to call again today, as I will find out tomorrow….oh FUCK IT I will call.

I did and nothing yet…

CD32, 6DPO

Dr New called yesterday with my results and they are looking pretty good:
e2 = 593
p4 = 44.3

I had a Pregnyl booster injection last night (1500iu) then was told to have sex last night, tonight and Saturday. Not sure why but am following Dr New's orders. I'm very happy with those numbers and looking back over my previous stimmed cycles my p4 levels around the same time has never been above 32...I wonder if this is a good sign?

I have another e2 and p4 blood test on Monday.

CD30 but 4DPO

I’m not exactly sure if I’m in the 2WW as it never really turns out to be 3 weeks waiting. It all depends on whether or not I have a booster Pregnyl injection. I don’t like Pregnyl, I have all the pregnancy symptoms without the actual pregnancy.

My bruise has gone just in time for another blood test tomorrow, where I don’t find out the results until Friday…sigh!

We only managed to ‘do it’ twice on Saturday just before ovulation. Didn’t manage it on Sunday nor Monday, but that’s a whole different story. I know that I did ovulate early Sunday morning due to the pain in my left ovary. Fingers are crossed that there were still enough ‘guys’ present to fertilise. But who knows, it is just a matter of waiting, which I have no patiences for.

CD25

Things are sure moving along really quickly now. I’ve taken a photo of my arm as the bruise is hideous, it has never been this bad...sigh....the things we infertile do and put up with!

I came out of a 1.5 hr meeting to find 3 missed calls on my mobile from Dr New’s office. Dr New wanted me to go for an internal ultrasound today, at the time it was 12:30pm. As she (Dr New’s secretary) was telling me this I was sitting at my desk opening and closing my mouth like a fish…..how the hell was I going to get to Clayton for a scan, today. But she had booked me into Epworth hospital in Richmond, which also has IVF offices.

All I'm going to say about getting there is FUCKING FOOTY FUCKING TRAFFIC. Walking 5 blocks in heals to get a Tram.

But it was worth the walk as here are the scan results:

Uterus lining good (can’t remember the number)

1 smallish endo cyst...never seen that before

Right Ovary = 14mm dominant follicle with 10 4-8 mm follicles

Left Ovary = had two 15mm dominant follicles with 15 4-7 mm follicles (WOW)

Oh and e2 = 595 (from yesterdays blood test)

On the tram back to work I was stressing that they would cancel the cycle with so many dominant follicles and they were / are smallish. I’ve heard that 18-22 is the ideal size and that they grow 2mm every day.

But the cycle is going a head, I’m to have one more 150ui Gonal-f tonight then 5000ui Pregnyl tomorrow, then intercourse Saturday, Sunday and Monday with an e2 and p4 blood test next Thursday.

CD22

e2 up to 395, GREAT NEWS!!!
I'm to continue with 150ui of gonal-f until and including Thursday where I will have another e2 in the morning to find out the results on Friday.
I'm so glad that my levels went up and a nice big jump to, I did tell Dr New that I only respond well to Gonal-f if the dosage is higher than 112.5. As I had tried, 37.5, 75 and 112.5. 150 was the right number of me each time. Oh well, I suppose he had to learn the hard way...but do you think that I have the right to say to him "I told you so?"

All sorts

Mimi
I tried to keep a level of animosity with this blog, but it really hasn’t worked. I didn’t use my nickname for a while, but then started to. I still refer to my husband as Mimi, which is can come across as strange to others. But that is my nickname for him, and I think that it is about time that I introduced his real name and an explanation for Mimi.

We are of a Hungarian decent and speak it often at home Mimi’s real name if Tibor a typical Hungarian name. But he hates it, when he was growing up no-one could pronounce it so he changed it to Tim, that’s what everyone calls him. Expect for the old’s and when Ellie and Tina were young they could say Tibi (which is the nickname to Tibor) they said Bibi and then I got Mimi. From now on I shall refer to my husband as Tim.

Coping
For some reason I’m not really coping at all today, all I really want to do is just dive into my bed and just escape the world for the day. Escape into one of my romance books that I can’t seem to get enough of, or into one of the many teenage movies I own. But I can’t it is Tim’s birthday tomorrow and we are expecting a series of visitors all afternoon.

Up until today I thought that I was coping ok with this cycle but when I woke up this morning I was just all depressed and filled with THE question of ‘WHEN”. I hate feeling like this and no amount of wishing will help me get to my destination.

I had tried to let go of my fear (here) but I worry that it has crept back in, and if I’m really honest I am scared shitless right now. I’m not really scared about not ever having a child as Tim and I have a plan. I’m scared about this cycle..of falling pregnant again and having another miscarriage, of tomorrow or whenever I find out that my e2 levels have dropped again. Of not seeing a nice big juicy mother of a follicle when I have a scan. Of giving Dr New unconditional blind faith that he has my best interests at heart as he is monitoring my cycle himself.

People say to stay positive but I’ve never been a positive person ever…it is too hard to be positive..but I agree with these people on the outside and say stupid things like “I know that this will happen for me”. But internally I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not give into all my fears. Is it normal to be this scared? I haven’t even ovulated yet and I’m scared that I’m going to loose another Bobim. Are other infertiles this shit scared also, or is it just me? How can you stay positive?

What makes it so right in this world that infertiles know what e2, p4 hCG beta levels, FSH, LH , EWCM all these acronyms stand for and what your respective numbers means?

One of my favourite sayings is “Ignorance is bliss” and honestly I would rather be ignorant of all those words and meanings than have to go through this shit. How is it right that I have to get instructions of when to ‘do it’ with my husband, the whole aspect of making love to reproduce is not even involved in the equation. Or that my stomach is riddle with little bruise from when I have to inject myself? (A whole separate post on that one to follow)

Not so bad

Just got the call my cycle has not been cancelled. I'm to continue with the gonal-f 150ui (is that right?) until and including Monday. Another Blood test on Monday and more instructions on Tuesday.

Is this the worlds longest OI cycle?