Amazed

Friday was my last official day off from work, as of Monday I will be back at work full time. Mimi also wasn’t working so we took the opportunity in going to our local shopping centre and do a bit of retail therapy or try to anyway.

Apparently we live in one of the fastest grown areas, there are new house popping up every week. Since we have been living here (8 years now) the area has really changed, it is the ideal location for young families. Even though it is 45km out of the city it is still very popular.

Mimi had to get his license renewed and while I was sitting there waiting for him I was amazed at how many pregnant women, women with baby strollers there were. I was thinking about how brave infertiles are that they able to leave the house. The heart ache that some women must go through walking in these types of shopping centers. I remember back to after my first m/c how hard it was just to walk from shop to shop and how I had a small(ish) panic attack.

I have resigned myself to the fact that finally holding our bobim may not be an easy thing for us to achieve and it may still be a long journey ahead for us. For me it was not that hard to see all those ladies with children or the much desired baby bump. But having said that I am yet to step a foot out side my house since Friday. Could be an unconscious thing?

Diet Day 2 (more importantly CD01)

I have not yet needed to hold Mimi’s feet as I’ve been pretty good the last day and a half. Bugsy has been a great help in keeping tabs on me and we are encouraging each other through out the day.

More importantly my period has finally arrived, so today is officially CD01. After a 108 (approx) day cycle, it is a relief to feel like a woman again, a woman that has period pains.

Baseline e2 (oestrogen) blood test tomorrow no base line u/s required, Thursday I’m to start Gonal-f again my starting dose = 112.5. So stimming is for Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, then another Blood test on Monday.

The roller coaster cart has started climbing the hill, the start of the journey has begun. Am secretly shitting myself…but shhh, don’t tell anyone!

All ready

I’ve got all my drugs ready, picked up the extra Gonal-f pen and Pregnyl 5000 yesterday afternoon. The chemist has also ordered extra for me so that if I need extra mid cycle or the ‘incident’ happens then we will know that our local pharmacy has them in stock. Couldn’t ask for better customer service than what I’m getting there.

So I’m ready for the next OI cycle, I’m optimistic have all the good vibes staying positive yet not overly confident. All I need now is for my period to start.

I will call Dr New on Tuesday to give him an update on the Metformin situation, the not so nice side affect is here but I’m able to handle it. I don’t care if I suffer from it during the day, I just don’t want to be on the toilet at night.

I want to know if I should start taking Primolut (similar to Provera) to bring on a bleed. I’m eager to get started, when I’m cycling with OI it really feels like we have a better chance of successfully achieving our dreams. It seems without drugs my body cannot be relied upon.

All sorts

Hoping that this post will finally work now:

Work:

Went back to work this week after my holidays, it was good to get back and see everyone and I was looking forward to the next phase of my project starting. Which I think highlighted the fact that I do enjoy my job even though I don’t like the money. I have decided to see the rest of this project through to the end and then look for another job (if I’m not pregnant by then), this time I will be looking for contract work $$$$.

I’ve also decided to go back full time in September, it is time for me to stop being selfish, the whole reason why I went part-time was to relax and try to loose weight. I’ve sure relaxed, actually I’ve developed a sloth complex but as for the weight, who am I kidding? In all this time I’ve not lost anything, well the weight comes and goes it is up and down.

Mimi has still not been able to find a full time job or steady casual work. I feel really sorry for him as it sometimes seems as though recruitment and would be employer companies are dicking him around. There will be days where he won’t hear a thing from anyone and then there will be days where he is constantly on the phone. Financially it is getting a bit tight.

Meds:

I’m back on the folate, multi-vitamin and metformin this time around has been ok. I’m only taking one tablet a day (half in the morning and half after dinner). No sign of the dreaded ‘D’ yet, which is good and I will be slowly getting my body used to it before going to two tables a day.

Me:

I’m feeling really good actually, not tired, not stressed, really positive and full of life. I look at Mimi’s work situation and the Bills coming in and normally I would stressing about it, but now it’s like “Humph…she’ll be right” (whilst shrugging). It might be the flower essences, it might be metformin but honestly I don’t care what it is I’m just glad that I feel this way.

Ellie:

While we were at Lindeman Island Ellie had her appendix (sp?) removed and the surgery went well as expected. When we were to arrive home she was meant to come over her for some TLC whilst Mimi and I were still off work and on holidays. My fucked sister decided to let her 14 year old daughter decided that she is ok to go to school (against dr orders) earlier and that Ellie would be better of with her grandparents (BIL parents). My sister will never learn that these people are not the right influence on her kids. To say the least I was pissed off as we could’ve stayed longer at Lindeman.

Ellie did go back to school earlier and then spent the whole weekend and most of this week in hospital again as she got an infection, where they had to drain the puss everyday (with no pain killers)…sorry for TMI. I didn’t take the high road a smirk and say…”She would’ve been better off at my house”. Ellie is doing much better now but is under strict instructions to stay at home and not to go to school until she is better.

TTC:
There is no sign of ovulation or of my period which means no ovulation no baby, no period no ovulation induction cycle. I may need more patients to allow metformin to kick in.

Dr New

I’m back from the appointment with Dr New who believes that I’m not borderline PCOS but definitely have PCOS. This is the whole reason why I have trouble loosing weight and why I don’t ovulate.

I’m being put back on Metformin, one tablet a day for 2 weeks to see if I still suffer any side affects. But if I do suffer then I’m to take something similar to Provera to start my period.

Dr New said that he will be personally monitoring my next Ovulation Induction cycle. Which is good news and I liked Dr New felt very comfortable with him.

I can’t help feel as though there was something missing, I think that I was expecting way too much. I’m sick and tired of my weight being an issue with trying to conceive a child.

Dear Bobim

I know that it has been a while since I last wrote you a letter; this does not mean that I don’t think of you. You are never far from my thoughts.

We are going to see a new Fertility specialist on Monday and part of me is very excited yet another part is also terrified and full of questions. We are half way through the third year of really trying to have you and it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. By now you should’ve been with us, you should’ve been reaching a birthday.

By now I should be starting to try and conceive your brother or sister. This is not how I had envisioned my life. I always wanted to a ‘young’ Mum having you in my mid twenties, but now it looks like that you will be joining us in my early thirties, if ever.

I have to believe that you will be with us soon otherwise I will go insane I think. Daddy and I were talking the other day about our plans for the future and now that Daddy has started studying we were talking about what will happen in three years time.

We both agreed that we did not want to be ‘Bobim-less’ in 3 years time, but we haven’t agreed as to when we would stop trying for you. I’m not ready to say STOP, it has been enough. I am ready for the consequences of that decision but just not ready to give into my infertility. There has to be a way that you will be conceived and stay with us. I believe that there is a solution out there for you and me to be together, what the answer is I don’t know. I just pray that this new Dr will help.

After shock

After our lovely holiday we arrived back to our clean lovely house, but is it too quiet. At times I hate it; this house was deliberately built with extra bedrooms for our children and they are empty of baby things, with the exception of the ‘chest of dreams’ they are just too quiet.

My desire for a child has not been diminished, if anything our holiday has increased my want. I think that this is really hurting my Mimi which most hard to bear.

At times (like right now) I feel an overwhelming sense of failure as a wife, mother and woman, I can’t even keep a pregnancy, I thought that I had put all those feelings aside and moved on. But there are times many times where the feelings just seem to overwhelm me.

Holiday 1

On arrival we were greeted by 6 to 8 people clapping on the docs dancing, smiling and singing also waving at us. My first thought was DICKS! Here I was dog tired and all I wanted was to go to my room and crash, how dare these people be happy?

We all get shuffled into this shuttle bus then catch a ride to reception where we are greeted with a tropical juice drink. Then we are seated in a waiting area whilst the cards and keys and packs are explained to us. As this is going on more and more people wearing yellow GO t-shirts show up. Each couple of group is then personally escorted to their rooms.

Our room is comfortable, the bed is nice and hard, there is enough room to pack our clothes away and the bathroom is also big, there is air-conditioning as well as a ceiling fan and a balcony (which I’ve already described in my pervious post).

We get changed as I’m sweating like a pig, then head down stairs for lunch. Nothing could’ve greeted us with a jaw dropping response with the amount of food that they had ready waiting, there were so many table filled with food a smorgeast board of variety. Being the person that I am I was more excited about the food than I was the location! Hehehehe

After we ate, we went back up the stairs (which will be a whole separate post), but we then decided to go and explore the island and all the activities. To write about how much there is to do in this place would take more time than I’m willing to give, let me just say that there is so much to do that I really think that 7 days here will not be enough time to fit it all in.

One thing that I forgot to mention was as we were eating lunch and dinner they have communal tables where staff and other guest sit with you and they encourage people to get to know each other.

We have met this lovely couple from Melbourne and the lady is 3 months pregnant but who suffered endo had an operation…another hope lady in my books. She brings me hope that one day it will happen to me as it has happened with her.

Last night we went to the circus on the island, where guests even did stunts on the trapeze. I get more enjoyment watching Mimi have a good time than I do having a good time on my own. He was so excited and he wanted to have a go with the trapeze himself.

After the circus show we were kindly but forcefully told not to go back to our rooms but to join all the staff in the disco, where it was so funny to watch them all do the same dance moves. What really made it for me were the three guys (yes guys) dancing in front of us, they were booging the cute (did I say that?) buts off and getting really into it. The guests (or GM (gentile members) were encouraged to get up and a dance as well. Mimi and I boogied well into the night, well until 11:30…we were tired as we had a 4am start.

The scene is set

Way back in April Mimi and I decided to take time off work and spend it together we wanted to get away from Melbourne, fly somewhere where we would be pampered. The searching began and I found a really good deal to a Club Med in Northern Queensland, we had never been to a club med before but what drew us to it was that price tag and that it was all inclusive. The only catch was (and there is always a catch) that we had to pay in full by the end of May.

So even though Mimi has lost his job and is still currently looking, we didn’t cancel the holiday as it was already paid for in full. Our last holiday was to Hungary where we spent 3 months there visiting relatives and also other countries (but that holiday was 2 years ago). People at work then try to remind me that I have been to Merribula and Adelaide this year. To me these were not really holidays, they were weekends away where it was with other people and we both felt that we couldn’t do what we wanted.

So here I am (or have been for the past 3 hours) in a comfortable hotel room, sitting on the balcony, when I look up I can see lush green leaved trees, turquoise blue water, another small island and a sail boat. Paradise (picture to follow). But you know what was my first thought?

Not a sigh and a “Oh good I’m here now I can relax”, it was “I want to blog about this, I HAVE TO blog about this”. So what does that mean? Am I crazy? Obsessed?

Instead of putting on my bathers (swim suit) and going down to the pool I’m sitting here blogging. The flight here was short and sweet, however (and why does there always have to be a however or but?) there was this tiny little baby would’ve only been 2-3 months old, no matter how many times I tried to look away, my eyes were constantly drawn to her.

Bobim – I can’t feel lost without your presence with my right now. I wish that you were here to share the special place with us, the grief for you has come back to my like a hammer to my heart. I’m in paradise and I can think of if how I wish you were here with us.

In comes Mr Mas

We went a saw the naturopath Thursday night, I shall call him Mr Mas or Mas. What started out as an initial consultation for me being half hour to 45 minutes ended up being a 2 hour visit.

Both of us are taking herbs that I’m sure have deliberately been made to make you gag just by the smell. I’m on two different tablets, a tincture that is absolutely disgusting and flower essence. Mimi is on one tablet, zinc drops and a tincture mixture as well.

I have to write a full Medical history about myself, my mum and my sister and provide a Diet diary for a week. We are seeing Mas again on Thursday.

Is this sign?

I’m wondering if my period is finally showing itself, but I just don’t know what is going on with my body.

But my back hurts so badly in fact that I couldn’t sleep well last night and could hardly walk this morning when I got out of be. I’m a bit shitty today, taking stupid things personally, getting annoyed easily then in the next breath down but to perk up quickly and then to snap at people. Then there is this huge zit on my face, head ache.

So to recap:
* back hurts
* grumpy / moody
* bad skin
* head ache

If my period doesn’t come then I must be going crazy.

The chest of my dreams

Recently Bugsy posted about the jinx thing, you know the one, where you shouldn't buy baby clothes "just in case". Well I ignored those comments as started buying something small every week for a while.

Mimi and I discussed this whole 'jinx' subject and we both were of the same opinion. He used the example of our marriage as a great point of view. Before I even met my husband I had a glory box, full of all sorts of things. I started collecting things for my glory box when I was 16, yes I was very eager to get married. Hence why I was married at the age of 19.

We lived with my parents for a year after the wedding as we didn't have the money to buy / build a house. But that didn't stop us from collecting / purchasing items for our house.

So Mimi always points out that our preparation for our life together started when I was 16 and this didn't 'jinx' our life together. We will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in Feb 2006. I still think that this is a strong point, I didn't 'jinx' our marriage then so how can buying a sock, bib, blanket, jump suit 'jinx' my chances of having a child?

I had borderline PCOS before I even bought a sock, bib, blanket, jump suit, etc. I stand (well sit) here today shaking my cyber fist at JINX telling her / him to back off cause I don't believe in you!

So here is an idea of the stash that I have accumulated:

Baby Websites

When I first started TTC my friend Jill recommended a website to visit. I was soon hooked, through that website I was introduced to the blog world through Terita’s blog.

In March this year when I decided to have a break from TTC I also decided to have a break from this particular baby web site. I never had a bad experience with the ladies there, honestly there are some on the web that are awful but I found that the ladies there were always supportive, kind and understanding.

I met a lot of my cyber friends there for which I’m most grateful. Since I made my decision in March, I’ve preferred to live in the blog world. Once or twice I did go back to my ‘old’ haunts just to see how some of the ladies were going.

This morning I’ve decided to go and find an acupuncturist and /or naturopath in order to get myself ‘ready’ for my next TTC cycle in August. When I though that I would post a question asking for any advice on who to see. So I started reading some of the threads to see where some of my old ‘TTC buddies were’. Well as you can guess most of them are pregnant, from user names that I did recognize.

I don’t begrudge any of them for their success as I KNOW what they have had to go through, we’ve been through the worst together when I was still an active member and I honestly don’t begrudge my SIL for falling pregnant either. I just feel that these little reminders just show me that I still have not gotten any closer to my goal.

In August I thought that once again I would go back to that website, but I think that there comes a time where you have to say good-bye to your old haunts and move on. But that is a decision to be made later.

All that crap about letting go of my fear, I feel was for nothing. I’m angry as I went and saw this Kinesiologist to help me fall pregnant and she sent me off an this whole different path of trying to loose weight, loving myself and all things spiritual which in the end may eventually help me. But really who am I kidding, my goal and desire to have a child has just been ignored.

So now I’m asking myself “Was all this break time a waste?”

The weekend that was (a bit late)

I had Ellie and Tina stay here over the weekend and it was a nice distraction, from the way that I’ve been feeling lately. I’m currently typing on our new laptop whilst watching one of my many chick flicks that I own. Ellie is watching me type this is was getting upset that I described our weekend together as a “nice distraction”.

But she will get over it, both Tina and Ellie know how much Mimi and I love them. The worst part for me is always when they leave, my house has been filled with laughing, screaming, and sarcasm, teasing, joking and loving. Even though they are “classes” as teenagers that are still children, whom I can pretend are mine for three nights.

Last night we went to watch Tina play basket ball and even though she kinda sucked it was nice to sit there and watch my niece try her hardest to play. Their team got slaughter. On the way out of the court, there was a small team meeting and Mimi looks at me with longing in his eyes and says “I can’t wait until we do this with our kids”.

That just broke my heart, after months of ‘having a break’ I feel like our lives will not end if we don’t have our own child as there will be other ways to fill it with children. However having said that I can’t help the feel that my heart is not complete and will not ever be complete.

I can’t wait to get started with OI again but it really feels like a lifetime away. I’m hoping that the new doctor will be able to help us with out goal. I hat how I’m feeling these days lost, sad, no motivation, depressed even. I think that it maybe time to see J again and get balanced. I think that this is the main reason why I’m feeling the way I am.

Things that should NEVER be said to an infertile

“Better luck next time”

“Maybe you should have a D&C to ‘clean’ you out and then you will fall pregnant”

“I though that you were on a break”

“If you are going on a break, perhaps you should take contraception to stop yourself falling pregnant”

“Maybe you should just stop trying then” (After I mentioned I don’t know how my heart can take anymore miscarriages)

“My friend was told to go on a holiday and she came back pregnant, maybe you need a holiday”.

“Many women suffer miscarriages”

This was all said to me in one conversation. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

Some predictions do come true

I went to see my gp this afternoon as the dreaded time for a Pap smear was on me. What was worse than normal was the doctor wanted to take a swab sample as my uterus looked weird (which were her exact words). Yeah…that won’t stress me…much!

We talked a lot about work, my previous visitors, my fertility issues and of course my diet. I explained to her that I was thinking about starting the fertility treatment again and we talked about me seeing someone else, as I was feeling as though I was not getting the proper treatment with my current one.

She asked me if I had any type of hands on examination, you know them looking at my vagina, uterus check any, you know physical exam. I innocently said:
“No, all he has ordered is blood tests”
“That’s unusual; normally they don’t prescribe fertility treatment until they rule out everything” (which she replied whilst pulling a dramatic face). She went onto say “Perhaps it is best if you see someone from scratch and get a different perspective”.

So I now have my new referral in hand, and I made two appointments today one with old f/s and the other with the new. But and I just knew that this would be the case, they are not available until August…can you believe it August, this is when I was wanting to start treatment not wait and then start in September. Dr New is for the 15th August and Dr Old is for the 25th.

I’m also going to call nurse P tomorrow morning and work out whether or not I can do a treatment with her whilst waiting to see Dr Old, am not going to tell her that I also planing on seeing Dr New at the same time. Or the other option is to just wait and see Dr New and then start treatment… which I’m sure is the way Mimi would love to go.

On one of the Baby websites that I frequent there was a thread a while ago for those ladies who have already gone through IVF, ART and what advice they would pass onto newbies.. Now I don’t consider myself a newbie but this is what was said:

* Test everything BEFORE you begin treatment. From don't let them put you on clomid if they don't know your tubes are clear to don't let them do IVF until you've had a hysteroscopy. It's a waste of time, and energy, and drugs, and it's emotionally draining to be treated when it's not going to work for you.
* get a second opinion. I can't even begin to recount the number of people I've seen waste years of their lives because something was missed or misdiagnosed. No one is omnipotent, everyone makes mistakes, and doctors are people too.
So I’m taking the advice and am seeking a second opinion. Just before I sign off a quick update on my period status…my last period was 14th May. GP recommends that I do a HPT soon (like in the next two weeks)…I just said that it won’t happen if I don’t ovulate.

News from OS

I try to keep in touch with relatives that live OS, so last night I called to receive and give an update. Some of you may remember my previous post at Christmas time where I received a post card from one of my many cousins where she indicated that she was pregnant and due to give birth in June.

I just knew that there was a reason for the overwhelming need to call, I had the feeling all week that she had the baby and sure enough my second cousin gave birth to a healthy baby girl on the 31st May 2005. Whilst I was happy to hear the news, what was very devastating was to find out that her sister (Z) is also pregnant and is due to give birth by the end of August, start of September.

When Mimi and I were there 2 years ago we did discuss starting a family when them and part of me was really happy for Z, I could not help the feeling that both of my babies had to leave me just so that they could have theirs, you know like there was (is) some shortage on souls and my two little souls were given somewhere else rather than stay with me.

Now I’m an intelligent person and my logical part of my brain knows that my notion of “not enough souls” is ridiculous and under any other circumstance I would have dismissed that thought straight away; however I didn’t what is worse I’ve had that thought running through my mind and will not leave me…I even voiced that thought to my mother. Could this be a side affect from in fertility or going through ART? I don’t know, but I certainly don’t like the person that I have become when it is related to Babies.

Ellie's poem

My Poem from me to you

I was sitting here thinking,
Of the words to say
But they didn’t come out right so I found another way.
I got a piece of paper and I wrote this poem for you
But there is not way to thank you for everything you do.

For always being there for me and
Staying by my side
For helping fix my problems
For accepting my thoughts and feelings in which you understood
For never giving up on me,
For making me laugh and letting me cry,
And saying you would miss me if I were to die.

Everything you mean to you could never know,
In all the ways you’ve changed my life I could never show.
You are my shinning star and though it’s so incredible that’s the way you are

Before getting to mushy
It’s time for me to go
But before I leave this ink filled page there one thing you should know
As long as we are living
No matter when or where if you need me I’ll be there
I will climb a hundred mountains and swim a thousand seas
Anything to be there because you’ve been there for me.

Right or wrong reasons

Pain – I’m in a constant state of pain, my body feels so battered and bruised that at times I don’t know how I’m going to go on and yet I feel fantastic, the pain tells me that what I’m doing is right. “No pain no gain” saying comes to mind.

Am I pushing myself too much? Possibly, is this an excuse to give up? Could be, but I’m not going to give up, if it takes a few months of pain to achieve conception then I’m willing to grin and bear it.

I’ve never been the type of person to keep things private, when I suffered the miscarriages I told people at work, not to get sympathy but to educate others (especially women) that sometimes conception is not an easy thing. Until I stated TTC I feel as though I lived in the dark ages. So a lot of people know that I’m TTLW and work has been very supportive.

However there is one glitch and that is people seem to think that I’m doing all this exercise for the wrong reasons. BOBIM. I’ve been told to:
“Do this for yourself and no one else”
“Let go of the fear of never having a baby and loose weight for you”
“Do you want to cherish this body for yours?”
“Look after yourself; you are the most important person at the moment”

I can see that side of the coin, however let me be totally honest here, if I wasn’t trying for my bobi (that is our name we use when we talk about a baby) then I would not be putting myself through this. Sure I want to look good, but that is not important to me, sure I want to be able to buy nice clothes, but again this is not important to me.

I’m excited about loosing weight as I can’t wait to get back into some of my clothes, but that is a side effect, I’m really doing this to conceive my bobi. No other reason. Sure I want to be healthy and live long; However I’m comfortable in my skin, I know who I am, I’ve accepted how I look.

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been told by many people to loose weight “You would be so gorgeous if you lost weight”. “Why don’t you try to loose weight before you go overseas and visit the family, you want to feel comfortable don’t you?”

I have come to the realisation that the main reason why I didn’t want to do this before and why I still fight doing this for me is because I feel that family, friends, work colleagues and general people in my life should accept me how I am and love me for the soul I posses rather than the kilos I carry.

My Mimi has rarely tells me to loose weight and when he does it is only in the context that he see me struggling walking up a hill or he hears me breathing hard after a short walk and he says that he is scared and hates it how I struggle. Yet others in my life say what they think are inspirational words for me to loose weight but they hurt as it is another example where I feel that have not accepted me as I am or they do not love the person I am right now and want me to be something else.

So am I doing this for the right or wrong reasons? By others opinions I am; but if Bobim is the motivation that has made me get up this morning after my first personal training session last night that has caused me to limp this morning and I’m just about to go to a water aerobics class in the deep end of the pool, then in my book I don’t think that it is the wrong reason. At the end of this journey I still may not have my Bobim but I will have lost weight and be healthier.

To me this is as win win situation even if it’s been achieve with the ‘wrong’ intention in mind.

A Baby

On Sunday Mimi and I went to a work function for his work and families were invited, little did I think that the afternoon would be so hard. There were two toddlers and two babies, one was 5 months old and the other was 5 weeks old.

It was nice to talk ‘Babies’ and ask all the kind of usual blah questions, like did you have a hard pregnancy, how is he sleeping and how are you coping. Mind you it was the first time I met these women.

You guessed it they started asking Tim and I THE question…Do you have kids? Are you going to have them…you know the ones. We are so used to answering THOSE questions and I was feeling pretty good.

UNTIL…

I was offered to hold the 5 week old little Jasper, and I’ve held my close friends baby all the time, actually as soon as I set in her door it is almost an automatic thing that I get to cuddle her child. So I thought ok why not I’ll hold little Jasper. He was so cute and calm and so very tiny, not a problem. Then Mimi’s work colleague must have seen the wistful expression on my face and started saying things like, “oh no Mimi you better watch out she looks clucky”.

Mimi promptly replied that fine with me. So the mother of Jasper asked me if we were trying, honesty has always been my policy so I told her the truth. Yes we are but it won’t be easy for us, we then talked about OI (she has a friend going through the same thing and has also suffered miscarriages). I casually try to say, “Every time I’ve done an OI cycle I’ve miscarried, it was on my tongue”. But as the words started coming out I started choking on tears. I held the back and quickly gave the little one back and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

Here I was holding a gorgeous little boy, which represented something that I want more than life itself (atm) and it doesn’t seem to be happening for us. If anything holding little Jasper just gives me more motivation to TTLW and go to my exercise classes; which I did tonight and enjoyed immensely.