This morning

I woke up as I normally do and went to the bathroom, being the paranoid expecting mother that I am I still check for any spotting. Well this morning there was a 5 cent size bright red spot on the toilet paper. So I wiped and checked, wiped and checked (rinse and repeated) until there was no sign left. I think that I may have used the whole toilet roll checking this morning.

Since then I’ve been like a lunatic drink water, or just going to the toilet just to check. There has been NO other spotting or NO cramping. I’ve done absolutely nothing this morning. I did get up and dressed and moved myself onto the couch.

Tim and I are scared shitless, and we have had the same discussion over and over, should I go to the hospital? If I went to the hospital would they do a beta hCG test and would we get the results today? Should I go to my gp?

The occasionally one of us says out loud “I don’t want to loose our Bobim”. I’m trying not to stress, but how the fuck can’t I?

I recently bought a great book as recommended by Bugsy “What to expect when expecting” and it says that unless I have cramping and bleeding then I should just go to the hospital.

If you could just please spare a thought for us and pray that this little bit of blood this morning does not mean the end of our Bobim I would greatly appreciate it!

Bobim

I know that our Bobim is with us, the blood tests and multiple hpt’s have also confirmed it, for some reason part of me doesn’t really believe it. I keep questioning myself, AM I REALLY PREGNANT?

It all just doesn’t feel real and I wonder if this is normal?

Or am I trying to protect myself?

I’m still scared that I will loose Bobim, but that hasn’t stopped us from telling people. Tim and I discussed this at length, over many hours, days even and we both wanted people in our life to acknowledge the fact that Bobim is here with us and if for some reason something does happen, or Bobim will know that it was Loved, Cherished and wanted.

I also feel so out of my depth, Infertility I felt that I was well schooled on the subject. Trying to conceive using assisted reproductive technology was my life, month to month.

But this pregnant business is totally new to me (obviously); I’m reading “Up the Duff”. I was stupid enough to tell Tim the other day that Bobim is the size of a coffee bean. This is how Tim refers to our Baby….Coffee bean!

I’ve resorted to ringing my mother for odd things and asking her, is it normal to feel like you need to pee but nothing comes out?

Is it normal to be this FUCKING forgetful, as I can’t even remember the names of things?

Is it normal for my calf muscles to feel like they are on fire?

I feel as though I almost need to have a crash course on pregnancy which is funny as I’ve been striving to get this far and when I’m here, I’m loosing it and feel totally lost.

Christmas

All I can say is that I’m glad that it is over. I did not have the Christmas spirit this year, even though I found out that Bobim is with us. I just couldn’t get into it.

I didn’t put a Christmas tree up, didn’t send any Christmas cards and when someone said Merry Christmas, I mumbled a half arsed, half heard response.
I can’t blame one thing of my bah-humbug feelings, it just didn’t feel right to celebrate it.

Last week I didn’t work and I had Ellie stay with me, oh the shopping we did…OMG I will never, ever leave Christmas shopping to the last minute again AND I will set a budget and NOT give anyone a choice about what they are going to receive.

If all goes well them nearly everyone will be received a gift of a photo of Bobim.

Tim and I did spend the last two days with our families and it was lovely, nice and low key which was perfect. Almost falling asleep in the afternoon's was quite amusing. I do feel bad for leaving early yesterday but just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I had to drive. I hope that Anyu and Apu understands....

See the ticker?

OK I think that it was high time that I add my ticker to this blog.

Was very nervous about doing this! Shit scared really, but there is nothing I can do to change what ever will happen in the future and I have to live for NOW, and right now I am Pregnant!

Second Beta

I’ve been stressing since 2pm as I called Dr New’s office for my results and was kept waiting. I ended up calling about 3 times looking for my results. Anyway here they are:
- e2 = 1663
- p4 = 46.8
- beta hCG = 1230

I’m a little worried about the p4 level, should I be?

Needing some reassurance…

Meeting with Dr New

It was a very positive meeting with Dr New this morning. Ellie was with me, he was very happy with the out come and has referred me to an OB that ‘looks after his pregnancies’.

Dr New sits there and says to me “It is still early days and you shouldn’t really make this public”.

I sat there stunned here I am in the room with Ellie and it is obvious that she knows, and my mother knows. I just nodded my head and said “ok”. He then went on to tell me that I have an 80% chance of this pregnancy continuing, which I have to say I like those odds.

I’m having another e2, p4 and beta hcg blood test on Wednesday to check that they are rising nicely and, AND I have been booked in for an ultrasound on the 6th of Jan.

With the blood test result if all looks good I was then told that the chances would be up around the 90% mark. NICE ONE eh?

OMG

I can't really talk (or type) as I'm shaking:
e2 = 1277
p4 = 65.8
beta hcg = 108.

I will be getting more instructions and will be seeing Dr New on Monday to talk shop.

I can't believe this, I feel so very blessed.

Edited to say: Dr New sent his Congratulations and that he will be happy to still meet with me on Monday and that he will ask me to have another e2, p4 and beta hcg on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.

Saga of peeing on sticks

Nothing in life is ever simple, but at least now I know which brands give me the right result. I have done a number of HPT’s over week or so but I get mixed messages, for instance:
- Sunday morning it was a negative*
- Monday morning it was a positive (faint)#
- Tuesday morning it was a negative*
- Last night I did two using two different brands, both positive (faint)#^
- This morning it was a positive (faint)#

* Clearblue
# Crystal Clear
^ Discovery

With the inconsistencies of these HPT’s Tim and I agreed to hold our excitement until we received the blood test results, which will be this afternoon. Joking I said to Tim on Tuesday that I think even 9 months pregnant the Clearblue tests would still be negative. However all the second lines have been very faint; they have never been as strong as the control line.

I didn’t blog about them for some reason, perhaps there is still something deep inside me holding me back from admitting that maybe I could just be…. you know…. Perhaps it is my way of protecting my heart.

Sigh….I will know this afternoon at any rate….and I will update as soon as possible.

CD36 16DPO

I got my results this afternoon:
e2 = 884
p4 = 48.6

Next blood test is on Thursday e2, p4 and beta hcg I begged Dr New to have the results Thursday afternoon and not make me wait until Friday.

The message was "Dr New is very optomistic".... holy shit, holy shit was going through my head

I was worried that my p4 levels had dropped, but was told it wasn't a problem.

When I woke this morning Tim rolled over to look at me and instead of saying good morning or something sweet...all I said was "My boobs still hurt", Tim just grunts and goes back to sleep. That is what our marriage is based on these days, spotting updates anytime of the day, pains, cramps and whether or not my boobs still hurt.

Manuela - that bat I'm using to beat the bitch back is not working too much anymore.. help

CD 35 15DPO

Not much to report, no sign of my period. My ovaries are still sore on both sides but it is not constant. My boobs are still sore. I had my blood test this morning but won't be getting the result until tomorrow...which is shit.

Hope has been visiting again, just last I caught her making plans of how I would decorate 'the' room, she wouldn't leave me alone so I got out of bed and washed my face doing the whole, cleanser, toner and moisturiser... I never really do this as I don't look after myself at all. But it did the trick, she was fought away as my mind was otherwise occupied.

I've taken to wearing a pad just to check for any spotting.

Give me strength to get through the rest of the day and tomorrow.

Thank you all for your comments, it is what is keeping me from going crazy.

CD 32 12 DPO

I’m drinking so much fucking water as an excuse to go to the toilet to check for potential spotting and after one of those episodes I had missed the call from Dr New’s office. So I called back:

“Hello Reena speaking”

“Hi Reena it’s Mari here”

“Oh hello, did you get our missed call on your mobile?”

“Um, yes"….fuck just tell me woman…give it to me straight

“I’m sorry but your p4 levels have dropped and you can expect your period”….those were the words I was expecting NOT: “Your results are in and no more injections and another e2 and p4 on Monday and call us Tuesday”

“OH, ok can you please tell me my levels?”

“Yes e2 = 788 and p4 = 54”

“Ok thanks” sitting in the meeting room going pale….FUCK, don’t know what to make of this….

This weekend will be a very long one for me, not only work wise but FUCK I don’t know if I will be able to hold out until Tuesday for the results and NOT to a HPT…

There is no way that I could be…is there? You know what...don't answer that questions as I don't want hope here at all...

Some lighthearted entertainment during 2WW.

Today I thought I would let you in on one of my weird practices when I’m cycling, this was not my idea (I got it from EB years ago) but I adopted this philosophy like my Cycle Religion and it relates to my underwear (undies) practices.

The start of a ‘normal’ cycles means are normally bleeding so I wear the old comfortable undies mainly in dark colours. During the most fertile times, you are closer to Ovulation I continue to wear dark undies to help keep track of (for me the elusive) EWCM.

Then during the 2WW I switch to wearing light coloured undies, so that I can scrutinise any smudges, checking for any spotting, be it dark, red or pinkish.

This is one of the quirky things I that do when cycling, and I would like to know if anyone else does similar things?

CD 31 11DPO

There is an oval shaped counter, the walls are apricot / peach in colour, on the wall behind the desk is a giant egg with a single sperm attacking it and the words “Monash IVF” just under the egg, soft Christmas music playing in the back ground, the lady behind the counter is busy shuffling paper, whilst marking of peoples names. Five women are patiently waiting for their names to be called for their blood test. All nervous and all sneakily look around at each other, perhaps wondering what each other women is doing, the flicking of magazine pages. In come more people to get their names marked off.

“Kathleen” says the blood drive nurse; I look up from my book, three more to go before me, quietly sighing as I get back to my book. ‘So you come before me, little woman, little man. Come to invoke the ancient laws and beg a boon of Jack in-the-Green’…”Monica”, two more. ‘Kerra kept her eyes on the patchwork carpet of leaves spreading at her feet. It did not do to look too long into the eyes of such as stood before her now.’

“Tracy” I put my book away and start looking around the waiting room that I have visited many times during the past 2 years, looking at the Christmas decorations and the presents under the tree when all of a sudden this thought pop’s into my head: ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if this Christmas I could tell my family that I was pregnant’, I sit there and fantasize how it would be, Anyu and Apu crying and MIL and FIL smiling happy, Ellie and Tina jumping up, a flood of questions bombard me.

Then I hear “Maria” and it all comes crashing down…where the fuck did that thought come from….STAY away from me, I don’t want those thought is my head….they hurt too fucking much. How dare you….as Manuela mentioned in one of her recent posts…HOPE is not welcome here.

CD29 9DPO update

Results are:
e2 = 585
p4 = 34.4

I'm to have another booster shot tonight, never had two boosters in a cycle...wonder what this means??

Next Blood test is on Thursday and results on Friday.

CD29 9DPO

My blood test results on Friday were ok (I think):
e2 = 484
p4 = 13.4

I had a booster shot on Friday and another e2, p4 blood test yesterday. I’m just now waiting for the results, I have also made an appointment to see Dr New after this cycle. Yes I’ve already assumed that I’m not pregnant, I think that it is easier to convince myself that there is no FUCKING way that I could be pregnant, than live with the possibility that I might just be.

My mind is in denial….NO I won’t go there I can’t, tis just too hard. Shit I don’t know why I’m even planning on testing on Thursday (I will be 11DPO on Thursday).

The other day I was happily having breakfast when suddenly I had the shock of my life as I realised that I had not taken my folate for the whole FUCKING cycle….as you can imagine I totally freaked out and thought of just popping as many pills as I could fit into my mouth all at once.

In the next breath I just shrugged it off mentally and told myself “This cycle wasn’t going to work anyway”. Mind you I still have not taken any folate….never remember to do it and the bottom of pills is right in front of me.

Then…oh this gets better…we have a new shopping centre that just recently opened up down the street from us and Tim and I decided to try some new take out…and of course we buy Fish ‘n Chips…YES Fish ‘n Chips in the 2WW. The thought had not even crossed my mind, I was happily drinking in the fried smell on the way home, and whilst opening the packets of butcher paper I again got another shock, this time I’m screaming like a banshee to Tim “Oh Fuck I’m not meant to eat fish…fuck”.

But I did, I mean it was food and I’m not about to waste food. But again my thought was “Hhhmhp I’m not pregnant so what does it matter”.

These are just a few examples of the less than cautious attitude that I have this 2WW, I’m usually very good, I eat and do the right things but this time, it has felt as though I’m going through the motions, my heart is just not in it.

I’ve had and done the following in the 2WW which I’ve been told I should not do:
- Mind boggling, screaming orgasm (hehehe loved that one)
- Drank Coffee
- Had a couple glasses of wine
- Fish ‘n Chips
- Not taken folate
- Lifted heavy shopping bags
- Cleaned the house
- Changed the kitty litter.

There’s no way that I could be pregnant…..is there?

Ponderings

Thank you all for your comments! Yes Tim and I have been enjoying the last few days. When we started OI and we knew that we would be told when to ‘do it’ we made a pact to try to make the ‘doing it’ as special as possible and not just… you know… quick and mechanical.

I had my blood test this morning for e2 and p4 and I will get my results tomorrow. On the walk down to the train station I was struck by how happy I was, or more to the point how comfortable I was at this clinic.

The lady that does the bloods on Mondays and Thursdays is fantastic, she always greets me with a smile and knows my name and makes me feel really comfortable and we always have a quick joke or some type of chit chat. She is not a fertility nurse but always asks me in a caring manner how my cycle is going. But to me it is almost like a slap in the face as I would not have known this lady if I did have fertility issues, I would not be seeing her on a regular basis if I wasn’t going through this crap. So how can my feeling of being comfortable and happy to see her be right?

This was going on in my mind as I’m walking along, I don’t just ponder this question…oh no, I then jump onto the other great relationships that I’ve also formed along the way. P my first nurse, I still talk to her if there is a problem with me trying to book a b/t. Other nurses whom I sometimes see at water aerobics. Dr News staff who call me and we joke around and are fantastic when things get a bit muddled.

I’ve often seen how others treat the same people that I deal with, they come in don’t really speak and sit down and it is almost like they remove themselves emotionally from these people they have contact with, I’ve even seen Men and women being quite rude to some to the nurses almost as though the blame is being on them.

I understand why some are like this, they don’t want to make this process memorable and honestly it is not a dream but a fucking nightmare. But I can’t blame the lady who takes my blood test for my failing body… I can’t even really blame myself, my body is just fucked but I’m dealing with it. I don’t see any reason to treat any of these ladies with out respect and if we joke about and gain a little insight into each others lives…then is it really wrong?

As you can see I really don’t have anything else important on my hands than worry about how the lady that takes my blood is feeling and questioning my feelings toward the whole process.