OH FUCK

I don't know what this means but my e2 levels have dropped, what I do know is that this is NOT a fucking good sign...
1st e2 = 114
2nd e2 = 199
3rd e2 = 235
4th e2 = 221

waiting for a call back with instructions.... please don't cancel the cycle, please don't cancel....

shit, slowly going insane....oh god

CD16

Just a quick update as I'm at work, e2 level rose to 235 on Monday. Dr New called yesterday with further instructions, increase dosage to 150ui until and including Thursday. Another e2 Thursday morning and further instructions on Friday.

I just want to have the internal u/s, I have a great sense of accomplishment when I see my nice big follicles present on the screen. I just hope that they are growing nicely and because we are taking it slow the egg quality will be better.

End_Result - thanks for your comment about going slowly, it really helped. I'm just so used to an OI cycle going by so quickly. But now I think that maybe that was my problem in the first place and could be a reason for all the Chemical pregnancies (to be read as miscarriages)

CD12

I had another e2 blood test on Thursday and my levels rose to 199, I’m to continue with the gonal-f until and including Monday, another e2 blood test Monday morning.

I’m trying not to analyse the results but to be honest it is hard not to, when comparing the other OI cycles my e2 levels are really low. But I trust that Dr new knows what he is doing, it feels good getting my instructions from his directly rather than through a nurse. I also wonder if the Metformin is affecting my e2 levels, see there I go again comparing, wondering, stressing about something that I’m not even educated in.

Food for thought

My morning ritual is to scan my favourite blogs to see if there are any new posts and then proceed to devour what has been written. I’m a bad lurker I rarely comment mostly because of my ill-conceived low self esteem issues. Basically I feel like I really don’t have anything important to say.

Whilst I started this blog sometime ago, I have been a phantom in the blog world for almost 2 years. It started with a post on EB where someone had linked to Terita’s blog. After reading the relevant post I was hooked, I mean who couldn’t be!

To my dismay or Terita’s I then proceed to copy every single post of hers to a word document so that I could print it out to read on the train and I mean every single post. At the time I was very early into my infertility issues and the one thing that has stuck with me was the same sense of drive, which is that I will not let fate dictate whether or not I will have a child. I will stand my ground shaking my fist at fate “You will not get the best of me; I’m not through with this fight yet!”

So this morning like every morning I read all my blogs, where I came across this post:

Some people get driven to their destinations in a limo; some people have to drive themselves. Others need to take a cab, some are forced to take trains or hitch hike. And some of us had to walk barefoot, along a long and lonely road, in the blistering sun watching everyone else whizzing past with relative ease. You could say “does it matter how you get there, what matters is that you have arrived?” To me, it does matter. Yes I have arrived at the same place as everyone else, but I cannot forget how I got there. See the scares on my feet? They tell a tale of my journey here. I can’t pretend that they do not exist; they are a part of who I am.

I may not be there yet and it may take me awhile to get to my destination but these words have haunted me most of the day, and with Terita’s permission I have posted them here and I think that I might even add some of the words to my profile. I could not have said it any better.

Can anyone pass me a band-aid, my feet a sore?

CD7

Quick cycle update, my e2 (oestrogen) level was 114, this time in my last OI cycle it was 218. I don’t know what my baseline e2 was, but I guess that I have not jumped up as much as I should’ve. But I’m not stressing actually I’m feeling quite calm about this cycle. Dr New said his secret to success was slow going wins the race.

I’m happy to take things slowly, part of me doesn’t really feel like I’m cycling we do the injections at night but I haven’t really given it much thought at all. A totally different experience this time around.

Orders are to continue injecting 112.5ui of Gonal-f Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, another e2 blood test on Thursday morning but to call Dr New Friday for more instructions.

CD6

Not too much to report on the cycle front, my period is almost gone which is a good thing. I’m still doing ok on metformin, only have the occasional side affect now and then but nothing to complain about.

One more gonal-f injection tonight of 112.5 and then another blood test tomorrow morning. I will call Dr News office tomorrow afternoon for further instructions.

Diet Day 7

On Friday I checked the scales and in the 4 days since I started eating better I had lost a kilo. I give all the credit to water; I’ve been trying to drink at least 3 litters of water a day. Everywhere I go my bottle of water goes with me, it does mean an increase amount of time on the toilet but if I loose a kilo in 4 days what should I be complaining about?

I have not had to hold Mimi’s feet yet (yippee) which I am most grateful for. Friday night Mimi suggested that we have take away so that I didn’t have to cook (last week I choose to have take away on Thursday) which would’ve meant that we would’ve had take away 2 nights in a row.

Something in my snapped and I got up off my arse and cooked dinner, which I am most proud of. I’m hoping that week 2 will be just a good, this morning I woke early deliberately to organise the menu for the next week and organise the shopping list.

So far so good!

Amazed

Friday was my last official day off from work, as of Monday I will be back at work full time. Mimi also wasn’t working so we took the opportunity in going to our local shopping centre and do a bit of retail therapy or try to anyway.

Apparently we live in one of the fastest grown areas, there are new house popping up every week. Since we have been living here (8 years now) the area has really changed, it is the ideal location for young families. Even though it is 45km out of the city it is still very popular.

Mimi had to get his license renewed and while I was sitting there waiting for him I was amazed at how many pregnant women, women with baby strollers there were. I was thinking about how brave infertiles are that they able to leave the house. The heart ache that some women must go through walking in these types of shopping centers. I remember back to after my first m/c how hard it was just to walk from shop to shop and how I had a small(ish) panic attack.

I have resigned myself to the fact that finally holding our bobim may not be an easy thing for us to achieve and it may still be a long journey ahead for us. For me it was not that hard to see all those ladies with children or the much desired baby bump. But having said that I am yet to step a foot out side my house since Friday. Could be an unconscious thing?

Diet Day 2 (more importantly CD01)

I have not yet needed to hold Mimi’s feet as I’ve been pretty good the last day and a half. Bugsy has been a great help in keeping tabs on me and we are encouraging each other through out the day.

More importantly my period has finally arrived, so today is officially CD01. After a 108 (approx) day cycle, it is a relief to feel like a woman again, a woman that has period pains.

Baseline e2 (oestrogen) blood test tomorrow no base line u/s required, Thursday I’m to start Gonal-f again my starting dose = 112.5. So stimming is for Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, then another Blood test on Monday.

The roller coaster cart has started climbing the hill, the start of the journey has begun. Am secretly shitting myself…but shhh, don’t tell anyone!

All ready

I’ve got all my drugs ready, picked up the extra Gonal-f pen and Pregnyl 5000 yesterday afternoon. The chemist has also ordered extra for me so that if I need extra mid cycle or the ‘incident’ happens then we will know that our local pharmacy has them in stock. Couldn’t ask for better customer service than what I’m getting there.

So I’m ready for the next OI cycle, I’m optimistic have all the good vibes staying positive yet not overly confident. All I need now is for my period to start.

I will call Dr New on Tuesday to give him an update on the Metformin situation, the not so nice side affect is here but I’m able to handle it. I don’t care if I suffer from it during the day, I just don’t want to be on the toilet at night.

I want to know if I should start taking Primolut (similar to Provera) to bring on a bleed. I’m eager to get started, when I’m cycling with OI it really feels like we have a better chance of successfully achieving our dreams. It seems without drugs my body cannot be relied upon.

All sorts

Hoping that this post will finally work now:

Work:

Went back to work this week after my holidays, it was good to get back and see everyone and I was looking forward to the next phase of my project starting. Which I think highlighted the fact that I do enjoy my job even though I don’t like the money. I have decided to see the rest of this project through to the end and then look for another job (if I’m not pregnant by then), this time I will be looking for contract work $$$$.

I’ve also decided to go back full time in September, it is time for me to stop being selfish, the whole reason why I went part-time was to relax and try to loose weight. I’ve sure relaxed, actually I’ve developed a sloth complex but as for the weight, who am I kidding? In all this time I’ve not lost anything, well the weight comes and goes it is up and down.

Mimi has still not been able to find a full time job or steady casual work. I feel really sorry for him as it sometimes seems as though recruitment and would be employer companies are dicking him around. There will be days where he won’t hear a thing from anyone and then there will be days where he is constantly on the phone. Financially it is getting a bit tight.

Meds:

I’m back on the folate, multi-vitamin and metformin this time around has been ok. I’m only taking one tablet a day (half in the morning and half after dinner). No sign of the dreaded ‘D’ yet, which is good and I will be slowly getting my body used to it before going to two tables a day.

Me:

I’m feeling really good actually, not tired, not stressed, really positive and full of life. I look at Mimi’s work situation and the Bills coming in and normally I would stressing about it, but now it’s like “Humph…she’ll be right” (whilst shrugging). It might be the flower essences, it might be metformin but honestly I don’t care what it is I’m just glad that I feel this way.

Ellie:

While we were at Lindeman Island Ellie had her appendix (sp?) removed and the surgery went well as expected. When we were to arrive home she was meant to come over her for some TLC whilst Mimi and I were still off work and on holidays. My fucked sister decided to let her 14 year old daughter decided that she is ok to go to school (against dr orders) earlier and that Ellie would be better of with her grandparents (BIL parents). My sister will never learn that these people are not the right influence on her kids. To say the least I was pissed off as we could’ve stayed longer at Lindeman.

Ellie did go back to school earlier and then spent the whole weekend and most of this week in hospital again as she got an infection, where they had to drain the puss everyday (with no pain killers)…sorry for TMI. I didn’t take the high road a smirk and say…”She would’ve been better off at my house”. Ellie is doing much better now but is under strict instructions to stay at home and not to go to school until she is better.

TTC:
There is no sign of ovulation or of my period which means no ovulation no baby, no period no ovulation induction cycle. I may need more patients to allow metformin to kick in.

Dr New

I’m back from the appointment with Dr New who believes that I’m not borderline PCOS but definitely have PCOS. This is the whole reason why I have trouble loosing weight and why I don’t ovulate.

I’m being put back on Metformin, one tablet a day for 2 weeks to see if I still suffer any side affects. But if I do suffer then I’m to take something similar to Provera to start my period.

Dr New said that he will be personally monitoring my next Ovulation Induction cycle. Which is good news and I liked Dr New felt very comfortable with him.

I can’t help feel as though there was something missing, I think that I was expecting way too much. I’m sick and tired of my weight being an issue with trying to conceive a child.

Dear Bobim

I know that it has been a while since I last wrote you a letter; this does not mean that I don’t think of you. You are never far from my thoughts.

We are going to see a new Fertility specialist on Monday and part of me is very excited yet another part is also terrified and full of questions. We are half way through the third year of really trying to have you and it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. By now you should’ve been with us, you should’ve been reaching a birthday.

By now I should be starting to try and conceive your brother or sister. This is not how I had envisioned my life. I always wanted to a ‘young’ Mum having you in my mid twenties, but now it looks like that you will be joining us in my early thirties, if ever.

I have to believe that you will be with us soon otherwise I will go insane I think. Daddy and I were talking the other day about our plans for the future and now that Daddy has started studying we were talking about what will happen in three years time.

We both agreed that we did not want to be ‘Bobim-less’ in 3 years time, but we haven’t agreed as to when we would stop trying for you. I’m not ready to say STOP, it has been enough. I am ready for the consequences of that decision but just not ready to give into my infertility. There has to be a way that you will be conceived and stay with us. I believe that there is a solution out there for you and me to be together, what the answer is I don’t know. I just pray that this new Dr will help.

After shock

After our lovely holiday we arrived back to our clean lovely house, but is it too quiet. At times I hate it; this house was deliberately built with extra bedrooms for our children and they are empty of baby things, with the exception of the ‘chest of dreams’ they are just too quiet.

My desire for a child has not been diminished, if anything our holiday has increased my want. I think that this is really hurting my Mimi which most hard to bear.

At times (like right now) I feel an overwhelming sense of failure as a wife, mother and woman, I can’t even keep a pregnancy, I thought that I had put all those feelings aside and moved on. But there are times many times where the feelings just seem to overwhelm me.

Holiday 1

On arrival we were greeted by 6 to 8 people clapping on the docs dancing, smiling and singing also waving at us. My first thought was DICKS! Here I was dog tired and all I wanted was to go to my room and crash, how dare these people be happy?

We all get shuffled into this shuttle bus then catch a ride to reception where we are greeted with a tropical juice drink. Then we are seated in a waiting area whilst the cards and keys and packs are explained to us. As this is going on more and more people wearing yellow GO t-shirts show up. Each couple of group is then personally escorted to their rooms.

Our room is comfortable, the bed is nice and hard, there is enough room to pack our clothes away and the bathroom is also big, there is air-conditioning as well as a ceiling fan and a balcony (which I’ve already described in my pervious post).

We get changed as I’m sweating like a pig, then head down stairs for lunch. Nothing could’ve greeted us with a jaw dropping response with the amount of food that they had ready waiting, there were so many table filled with food a smorgeast board of variety. Being the person that I am I was more excited about the food than I was the location! Hehehehe

After we ate, we went back up the stairs (which will be a whole separate post), but we then decided to go and explore the island and all the activities. To write about how much there is to do in this place would take more time than I’m willing to give, let me just say that there is so much to do that I really think that 7 days here will not be enough time to fit it all in.

One thing that I forgot to mention was as we were eating lunch and dinner they have communal tables where staff and other guest sit with you and they encourage people to get to know each other.

We have met this lovely couple from Melbourne and the lady is 3 months pregnant but who suffered endo had an operation…another hope lady in my books. She brings me hope that one day it will happen to me as it has happened with her.

Last night we went to the circus on the island, where guests even did stunts on the trapeze. I get more enjoyment watching Mimi have a good time than I do having a good time on my own. He was so excited and he wanted to have a go with the trapeze himself.

After the circus show we were kindly but forcefully told not to go back to our rooms but to join all the staff in the disco, where it was so funny to watch them all do the same dance moves. What really made it for me were the three guys (yes guys) dancing in front of us, they were booging the cute (did I say that?) buts off and getting really into it. The guests (or GM (gentile members) were encouraged to get up and a dance as well. Mimi and I boogied well into the night, well until 11:30…we were tired as we had a 4am start.

The scene is set

Way back in April Mimi and I decided to take time off work and spend it together we wanted to get away from Melbourne, fly somewhere where we would be pampered. The searching began and I found a really good deal to a Club Med in Northern Queensland, we had never been to a club med before but what drew us to it was that price tag and that it was all inclusive. The only catch was (and there is always a catch) that we had to pay in full by the end of May.

So even though Mimi has lost his job and is still currently looking, we didn’t cancel the holiday as it was already paid for in full. Our last holiday was to Hungary where we spent 3 months there visiting relatives and also other countries (but that holiday was 2 years ago). People at work then try to remind me that I have been to Merribula and Adelaide this year. To me these were not really holidays, they were weekends away where it was with other people and we both felt that we couldn’t do what we wanted.

So here I am (or have been for the past 3 hours) in a comfortable hotel room, sitting on the balcony, when I look up I can see lush green leaved trees, turquoise blue water, another small island and a sail boat. Paradise (picture to follow). But you know what was my first thought?

Not a sigh and a “Oh good I’m here now I can relax”, it was “I want to blog about this, I HAVE TO blog about this”. So what does that mean? Am I crazy? Obsessed?

Instead of putting on my bathers (swim suit) and going down to the pool I’m sitting here blogging. The flight here was short and sweet, however (and why does there always have to be a however or but?) there was this tiny little baby would’ve only been 2-3 months old, no matter how many times I tried to look away, my eyes were constantly drawn to her.

Bobim – I can’t feel lost without your presence with my right now. I wish that you were here to share the special place with us, the grief for you has come back to my like a hammer to my heart. I’m in paradise and I can think of if how I wish you were here with us.

In comes Mr Mas

We went a saw the naturopath Thursday night, I shall call him Mr Mas or Mas. What started out as an initial consultation for me being half hour to 45 minutes ended up being a 2 hour visit.

Both of us are taking herbs that I’m sure have deliberately been made to make you gag just by the smell. I’m on two different tablets, a tincture that is absolutely disgusting and flower essence. Mimi is on one tablet, zinc drops and a tincture mixture as well.

I have to write a full Medical history about myself, my mum and my sister and provide a Diet diary for a week. We are seeing Mas again on Thursday.

Is this sign?

I’m wondering if my period is finally showing itself, but I just don’t know what is going on with my body.

But my back hurts so badly in fact that I couldn’t sleep well last night and could hardly walk this morning when I got out of be. I’m a bit shitty today, taking stupid things personally, getting annoyed easily then in the next breath down but to perk up quickly and then to snap at people. Then there is this huge zit on my face, head ache.

So to recap:
* back hurts
* grumpy / moody
* bad skin
* head ache

If my period doesn’t come then I must be going crazy.

The chest of my dreams

Recently Bugsy posted about the jinx thing, you know the one, where you shouldn't buy baby clothes "just in case". Well I ignored those comments as started buying something small every week for a while.

Mimi and I discussed this whole 'jinx' subject and we both were of the same opinion. He used the example of our marriage as a great point of view. Before I even met my husband I had a glory box, full of all sorts of things. I started collecting things for my glory box when I was 16, yes I was very eager to get married. Hence why I was married at the age of 19.

We lived with my parents for a year after the wedding as we didn't have the money to buy / build a house. But that didn't stop us from collecting / purchasing items for our house.

So Mimi always points out that our preparation for our life together started when I was 16 and this didn't 'jinx' our life together. We will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in Feb 2006. I still think that this is a strong point, I didn't 'jinx' our marriage then so how can buying a sock, bib, blanket, jump suit 'jinx' my chances of having a child?

I had borderline PCOS before I even bought a sock, bib, blanket, jump suit, etc. I stand (well sit) here today shaking my cyber fist at JINX telling her / him to back off cause I don't believe in you!

So here is an idea of the stash that I have accumulated:

Baby Websites

When I first started TTC my friend Jill recommended a website to visit. I was soon hooked, through that website I was introduced to the blog world through Terita’s blog.

In March this year when I decided to have a break from TTC I also decided to have a break from this particular baby web site. I never had a bad experience with the ladies there, honestly there are some on the web that are awful but I found that the ladies there were always supportive, kind and understanding.

I met a lot of my cyber friends there for which I’m most grateful. Since I made my decision in March, I’ve preferred to live in the blog world. Once or twice I did go back to my ‘old’ haunts just to see how some of the ladies were going.

This morning I’ve decided to go and find an acupuncturist and /or naturopath in order to get myself ‘ready’ for my next TTC cycle in August. When I though that I would post a question asking for any advice on who to see. So I started reading some of the threads to see where some of my old ‘TTC buddies were’. Well as you can guess most of them are pregnant, from user names that I did recognize.

I don’t begrudge any of them for their success as I KNOW what they have had to go through, we’ve been through the worst together when I was still an active member and I honestly don’t begrudge my SIL for falling pregnant either. I just feel that these little reminders just show me that I still have not gotten any closer to my goal.

In August I thought that once again I would go back to that website, but I think that there comes a time where you have to say good-bye to your old haunts and move on. But that is a decision to be made later.

All that crap about letting go of my fear, I feel was for nothing. I’m angry as I went and saw this Kinesiologist to help me fall pregnant and she sent me off an this whole different path of trying to loose weight, loving myself and all things spiritual which in the end may eventually help me. But really who am I kidding, my goal and desire to have a child has just been ignored.

So now I’m asking myself “Was all this break time a waste?”