Monday, March 16, 2009

Cracks in the works

I need to write about this weekend and there are some confronting things that I will be talking about and all I ask is that people who know us in real life to respect this post as a means of me being able to let things go. I most likely can not talk about what has happened with you as Tim would be devastated that I’m talking about something so painful and personal.

Finally…finally Tim admitted that he has issues with Rylie he even admitted that he hates his child. I knew that this was how he was feeling and I could also see that he was being very aggressive with him.

It took me sitting down with him and literally nagging him to finally admit that he has violent thoughts about harming Rylie. I don’t know why it is only Rylie that he has an issue with because Lilly acts the same way, the only difference is that Rylie screams louder.

As his wife I knew that he was feeling like this as I could see his over reaction to Rylie, but I also knew that in order for us to move on he needed to admit out aloud how he was feeling.

It was confront for both of us to hear how he was feeling and I needed Tim to know that when he is like this I’m scared to leave any of the kids in his care, because he just over reacts, even with Jordan. Tim also admitted that at this age he did not like Jordan either and even though he knows that this time will pass it is too hard for him to deal with.

After lots of screaming, arguing, nagging and crying, I finally decided that Tim is not to help me with the night feeds at all. Even though he feels guilty and feels the need to help as “It is unfair on me”. I don’t care how unfair it is as I need my husband back and not this feral man who is sleep deprived and can’t deal with anything.

The only condition was that Tim needs to allow me to sleep in on the weekends and keep Jordy away from the bedroom.

So Saturday night Tim slept in the study while I did all the night feeds and I was up about 5 times altogether. For me it was a great night, I was more relaxed and I got to deal with the kids they way I wanted to. I slept in until about 8:30am and woke up to a screaming household, but surprisingly Tim was handling this really well.

Sunday was a really nice day, it was relaxed and the babies were more settled, I think it has something to do with the Braur Colic Relief and also because we were both relaxed. I asked Tim Sunday morning how he was feeling towards Rylie and he said that he didn’t hate him anymore and felt more relaxed.

My mother and father, Tim’s parents and sister have all told me that he just needs to get over how he is feeling and support me and help with the feeds. But for our household and our marriage the support I need from my husband is for him NOT to be sleep deprived and for him to be himself, happy and relaxed.

When Tim is relaxed and has had enough sleep then the babies respond to him much better. He can settle Rylie much quicker than I can and he will not snap at Jordy as much.

I just need to be very strong and not allow my husband back into our marital bed until the babies are sleeping better through the night.

Surprisingly last night they only had one night time 1 am and 1:30 am and Rylie went four hours and Lilly went five hours between feeds.

Tim will admit to people that he hates the new born period (I mean who really likes it?) but it is very difficult for him to admit his violent thoughts towards he own child and he refuses to seek help from professionals and will not go to a group. He wants to deal with things on his own.

How am I coping?

Sleep deprivation is tough but there is a reason and the crying really doesn’t faze me. I know that they cry for a reason, trying to find out what that reason is can be tricky but I also know that things will get better and I can already see both babies attempting to go longer between feeds.

Plus it also helps to know that 3 days out of the week Jordy is in child care and I can sleep when they do if I need to.

I really don’t think that the babies are bad or that unsettled, sure they have wind, but once they have been burped or feed then they can go to sleep on their own. Sure you may need to resettle and put a dummy in and pat them or cuddle but they do settle quit quickly when you’ve worked out what is causing the distress. I know that it could be ten times worse, they both could be screaming for hours on end and I could not have any time to myself or any relief.

But here I am blogging with all three kids sound asleep and I know that Jordy will be sleeping for another hour and the babies have been sleeping soundly since 10 am.

We knew that our relationship would be tested newborns just do that, but I never thought that I would contemplate leaving my husband and being worried to leave our kids in his care. He didn’t handle the newborn period with Jordy very well and he was not this bad.

I truly believe that THIS TIME WILL PASS and we will be much better for getting through this time.


Carrie27 said...

My husband and I had many arguments when the twins were newborns, as we had one extremely fussy baby that would not stop crying for hours on end. We both were sleep deprived and didn't know what to do for our son. It took us 4 months before we found out that our son had ecxema and after he started getting treated for it he was a MUCH calmer baby.

Nothing, I mean, NOTHING, can truly prepare a couple for twins, especially when you already have a toddler at home.

Like you said, it will pass...and sometimes that is all I could focus on during the day.

Send me an email if you ever need to vent. I know what you are going through.

Mari said...

Thankyou Carrie, your support really helps.

I'm almost through reading back over your blog.