Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Being scared

I was asked a question this morning “Are you still scared” about the pregnancy and / or baby. My response was Fuck YES I’m scared….sometimes I’m down right terrified. Any women pregnant and blogs, reads other blogs or visits baby websites would’ve heard all sorts of stories that would terrify anyone. We live in an information age where we ‘know’ way too much about a lot of things. Going back 50 years or so pregnant women were ignorant about a lot of things, and sometimes I too wish I was ignorant…but I’m digressing.

The questions posed to me got me really thinking about how my fear has progressed throughout this pregnancy ride. In the beginning I was worried about rising beta numbers, was it an empty sack, would we see a heart beat? Should I still wear a pad and check for blood every pee break?.

The fear / questions then progressed to will I have a Down Syndrome baby? Is the Placenta in the right place? Am I eating enough? Why am I still cramping from time to time?

Now the fear I have is surrounded around the Birth, will I be able to cope with the pain? Will I be able to last the duration? Will I tear? Will I be able to breastfeed? Have I got enough nappies, clothes, blankets, love? Will I be able to cope?

These are all the questions that go through my mind but…most times this pregnancy STILL DOES NOT SEEM REAL. I feel my baby kick, shit I SEE the baby kicking and logically I know that Bobim is in my tummy, yet it does not seem real. We’ve been going to the prenatal classes, we’ve painted and set up the room yet does not seem real.

We’ve put all the furniture in the room, unpacked the “chest of dreams” and put all the clothes away, bought some rattles and toys and decorated the room and yet is still does not seem real. It was shock to see it all done up and I stood there and cried and cried, because to me it still did not seem real. Seeing Bobim’s room helped but and sometimes when I walk past I’m shocked to see the cot, change table, tall boy and baby stuff around.

There are still times when I look at my husband and ask him “Am I really pregnant?”, “Are we really going to have a baby”. I wouldn’t be surprised if I ask “Is this really our baby” in the delivery room.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant today, Bobim is moving, kicking, somersaulting, dancing right this minute but it is still does not seem real and I have to wonder, will it ever?

No comments: