Last night was the start of the end of this pregnancy…or so I thought. At about 12:30 I started getting period like pains that extended towards my lower back. Up I got walked around a bit and went to the toilet. Bladder relieved I thought nothing more of it until about 5-7 minutes I got a shock of the same pain.
I was able to work through the pain for about half an hour in bed before need to get up and walk around and breathing. I almost wrote this post last night, I was certain that it was labour and not Braxton hicks and I was getting excited that it may have meant Bobims Birth-day.
After about another half an hour I went back to bed and tossed and turned every time the pain struck or got up and walked around. At one stage here I am at the end of the bed moving my hips side to side and Tim gets up for a visit to the toilet. I turn to him in relief that the pain had subsided:
“Mimi, I love you”
grunt…
“I think that it is time”
“For what?”
“I’m having regular pains”
“You can’t be it is too early”
Right at that moment I felt very cheated, almost as though I was making this pain up! Perhaps I wanted him to just touch me and reassure me that he was in it with me but I did feel very alone.
In the end I fell asleep at 4am and the pains / cramps disappeared and it was a false alarm. But one that I’m grateful to have felt as now I know what I maybe in for. I just hope when the time is really here my husband won’t react the way he did last night.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Family and caves
So much has happened since I last wrote and not all of it is good. I received a few emails stating: “I hope that you are relaxing and not stressing and enjoying your time at home”.
HUH….now that is funny, I don’t think my family understands the meaning of the words relaxation and stress-free!! Here is a snapshot of my life with my family:
*) Dad in hospital with a suspect Angina attack…yet again
*) Dad out of hospital with a bad virus
*) Mum not being able to cope with Dad’s aggressiveness and who does she turn to??
*) Sister calling nearly every day wanting to ‘Pop’ in for a visit…read pop in for a snoop and gossip about parents
*) Sister and Ellie visit where sister demands I choose between her and my parents when inviting people for the christening of my child (who may I remind you is YET TO BE BORN)
*) BIL cracking it that I’ve asked Ellie to be the God Mother
*) Sister lies and says that I’ve thrown out all the ‘gifts’ (read bribes) from the babies room.
I could go on but I won’t has this it is not helping, I’m just getting more upset thinking about all the things that have been said and done during the last week and a bit.
I’ve not needed my cave of silence, blackness for a long time. I’ve been happy to be apart of the world, living life and dare I say looking forward to the future. But I feel the call of my cave more than ever. Locking myself away from the world or family and not having to deal with other peoples shit.
Perhaps I’ve had too high expectations on what this child would mean to my family….Happiness, joy and love... Was I wrong to expect this?
After so many years of trying, failing, miscarrying, crying, drugs, procedures, doctors and money, I only have 26 days left till this baby pops out and I would’ve thought that my family would be a little happy. But instead it is almost a daily event where me and mine are put on the back burner and I’m being forced to deal with other peoples shit. Whether it be jealousy, anger, disappointments or extreme expectations.
When is it my time to relax, enjoy the last few days of this pregnancy, and prepare for our life change and generally getting over the fear of the impending birth?
I deliberately left work early to enjoy this time at home and maybe it is my own expectations that were far out of reach. I had so much planned, wanted to do so much to prepare but I feel that my family thinks that they are entitled to my time now that there is more of it!
It has not been all that bad and I have achieved a few things off my list…right now though I feel very used and abused by my family. Even a bit hurt that my needs have been pushed aside for their crap, almost like their feelings are more important than mine.
HUH….now that is funny, I don’t think my family understands the meaning of the words relaxation and stress-free!! Here is a snapshot of my life with my family:
*) Dad in hospital with a suspect Angina attack…yet again
*) Dad out of hospital with a bad virus
*) Mum not being able to cope with Dad’s aggressiveness and who does she turn to??
*) Sister calling nearly every day wanting to ‘Pop’ in for a visit…read pop in for a snoop and gossip about parents
*) Sister and Ellie visit where sister demands I choose between her and my parents when inviting people for the christening of my child (who may I remind you is YET TO BE BORN)
*) BIL cracking it that I’ve asked Ellie to be the God Mother
*) Sister lies and says that I’ve thrown out all the ‘gifts’ (read bribes) from the babies room.
I could go on but I won’t has this it is not helping, I’m just getting more upset thinking about all the things that have been said and done during the last week and a bit.
I’ve not needed my cave of silence, blackness for a long time. I’ve been happy to be apart of the world, living life and dare I say looking forward to the future. But I feel the call of my cave more than ever. Locking myself away from the world or family and not having to deal with other peoples shit.
Perhaps I’ve had too high expectations on what this child would mean to my family….Happiness, joy and love... Was I wrong to expect this?
After so many years of trying, failing, miscarrying, crying, drugs, procedures, doctors and money, I only have 26 days left till this baby pops out and I would’ve thought that my family would be a little happy. But instead it is almost a daily event where me and mine are put on the back burner and I’m being forced to deal with other peoples shit. Whether it be jealousy, anger, disappointments or extreme expectations.
When is it my time to relax, enjoy the last few days of this pregnancy, and prepare for our life change and generally getting over the fear of the impending birth?
I deliberately left work early to enjoy this time at home and maybe it is my own expectations that were far out of reach. I had so much planned, wanted to do so much to prepare but I feel that my family thinks that they are entitled to my time now that there is more of it!
It has not been all that bad and I have achieved a few things off my list…right now though I feel very used and abused by my family. Even a bit hurt that my needs have been pushed aside for their crap, almost like their feelings are more important than mine.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Our bags
I had an OB appointment yesterday and all again is normal. I’m beginning to hate that word…NORMAL…it is a label that just doesn’t really sit well with me. My child should not be normal…he should be considered exceptional, above average, special even. But normal sounds to ordinary and part of me feels so guilty that I’m complaining about my child…this pregnancy being labeled as ‘normal’.
It is likely that Bobim will weight about 3-3.5 kg at birth, which the midwife announced is a ‘decent sized’ baby. Yet the baby books I read say that at 40 weeks Bobim should weigh that much.
I was advised to pack my bags, or at least start packing them. During the classes that we attended way back when…which atm feels like a long time ago. It was suggested that we should have our bags packed by 34 weeks. Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks and all I’ve done is pulled the bag out of the closet.
I’m reluctant to pack this bag….because….becasue it must mean that not only am I really going to have this baby…but ….but I will be bringing him home and….and …..and it means the ultimate long live dream is finally coming true……a baby….in this house….soon…..shit….and …and I’m going to be his Mummy.
I’ve put aside today to finally start packing and start a list of things that I still need to buy….but it is 1pm and I still haven’t started. I have the list from the hospital and a list that I’ve printed off EB. Am I tempting fate? Am I really this blessed? We want Bobim to bake for at least another six weeks should I really be packing now?
OK so I’ve packed his bag and I called my Mum in tears as I felt like such a fraud….is it normal to feel like this or is this a hang up from being infertile??
It is likely that Bobim will weight about 3-3.5 kg at birth, which the midwife announced is a ‘decent sized’ baby. Yet the baby books I read say that at 40 weeks Bobim should weigh that much.
I was advised to pack my bags, or at least start packing them. During the classes that we attended way back when…which atm feels like a long time ago. It was suggested that we should have our bags packed by 34 weeks. Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks and all I’ve done is pulled the bag out of the closet.
I’m reluctant to pack this bag….because….becasue it must mean that not only am I really going to have this baby…but ….but I will be bringing him home and….and …..and it means the ultimate long live dream is finally coming true……a baby….in this house….soon…..shit….and …and I’m going to be his Mummy.
I’ve put aside today to finally start packing and start a list of things that I still need to buy….but it is 1pm and I still haven’t started. I have the list from the hospital and a list that I’ve printed off EB. Am I tempting fate? Am I really this blessed? We want Bobim to bake for at least another six weeks should I really be packing now?
OK so I’ve packed his bag and I called my Mum in tears as I felt like such a fraud….is it normal to feel like this or is this a hang up from being infertile??
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Bobim's Room
Here is what the room looked like before we started:
Walking past the room this morning on the way to the study to check up on Manuela’s impending beta results, I couldn’t believe how much we have done and completed. Here is what the room looks like now:
I often sneak in there during the day and just sit on the toy chest and look around in wonder. I feel I need to sneak in as part of me still feels that I have no right to have the furniture, toys, and baby clothes.
We decided that the walls would be a pale light green in colour and the door, window frames and the wardrobe would be a shade darker. The furniture colours are not all the same but we didn’t care. Some of the pieces we’ve had for over 10 years and some new.
The last thing that needs to be done is the curtains and it is doing my head in, the prices for professionally made and hung curtains are unbelievable. I’ve been quoted anywhere from a $600 to $1000. Yes just for curtains in a babies room. My mother has come to the rescue and has offered to make them for us.
My favourite part of the room is the book shelf, mainly because most of the items you see there were either mine or Tim’s when we were little. The ‘new’ things like the Potatoes heads were Tim’s doing. My husband went a little crazy a bought all these cute little toys…that our child will not be able to play with for a long time but Tim insisted that we have them.
I know when Tim goes into the room as you will hear a faint…tootoo sound coming from ‘Thomas’. We found a wooden train set in IKEA that was similar to the one Tim had when growing up and we could not leave the store without that in our hot little hands. The next day we went to at least 4 different toy stores looking for a small Thomas. My Mimi just loves trains and hopes that our child will love them too.
The light went up yesterday, when we saw it in the store we both squealed like children. Well ok I squealed he laughed, throughout this pregnancy I’ve loved anything and everything to do with BUGS, and to find a Bug riding an aeroplane was perfect for us.
So what do you think?
Walking past the room this morning on the way to the study to check up on Manuela’s impending beta results, I couldn’t believe how much we have done and completed. Here is what the room looks like now:
I often sneak in there during the day and just sit on the toy chest and look around in wonder. I feel I need to sneak in as part of me still feels that I have no right to have the furniture, toys, and baby clothes.
We decided that the walls would be a pale light green in colour and the door, window frames and the wardrobe would be a shade darker. The furniture colours are not all the same but we didn’t care. Some of the pieces we’ve had for over 10 years and some new.
The last thing that needs to be done is the curtains and it is doing my head in, the prices for professionally made and hung curtains are unbelievable. I’ve been quoted anywhere from a $600 to $1000. Yes just for curtains in a babies room. My mother has come to the rescue and has offered to make them for us.
My favourite part of the room is the book shelf, mainly because most of the items you see there were either mine or Tim’s when we were little. The ‘new’ things like the Potatoes heads were Tim’s doing. My husband went a little crazy a bought all these cute little toys…that our child will not be able to play with for a long time but Tim insisted that we have them.
I know when Tim goes into the room as you will hear a faint…tootoo sound coming from ‘Thomas’. We found a wooden train set in IKEA that was similar to the one Tim had when growing up and we could not leave the store without that in our hot little hands. The next day we went to at least 4 different toy stores looking for a small Thomas. My Mimi just loves trains and hopes that our child will love them too.
The light went up yesterday, when we saw it in the store we both squealed like children. Well ok I squealed he laughed, throughout this pregnancy I’ve loved anything and everything to do with BUGS, and to find a Bug riding an aeroplane was perfect for us.
So what do you think?
Nesting Mari style??
I don’t know if what I’m doing can be considered as ‘Nesting’ but there is an overwhelming compulsion to do the things that I’ve been up to.
Cooking
I’ve always loved to cook but felt that it was a chore. That doesn’t sound right, loving to do something but it is a chore….but you get my drift…hopefully! During the working week I was too tired and just plain lazy to cook proper meals. Or what I’ve been brought up to consider a ‘proper’ meal.
On the weekends I was lucky if I cleaned the house let alone cook for the week ahead. But now with all the time in the world, I’ve started cooking the meals that I grew up eating. I must admit that I am amazed that my mother was able to work a full time job and yet was able to cook the meals we had when we were growing up.
I wonder if this will continue once Bobim is here…most likely not but am hoping that by some slim chance that they may.
Cleaning
This is the part of my life that I feel an overwhelming feeling of compulsion to do and I was putting all this off until I was at home. My desire right now is to go through each room of my house and clean everything. From floors, walls, windows, furniture to cleaning out draws, cupboards and shelves.
Today I’ve planned to start with my bedroom and ensuite. My approach will be to tackle on room at a time, so I don’t over do it. The Salvos are going to receive a big bag of clothes that we don’t use anymore, I have to make sure that I deliver these clothes today otherwise my mother will screech and try to inherit them.
Cooking
I’ve always loved to cook but felt that it was a chore. That doesn’t sound right, loving to do something but it is a chore….but you get my drift…hopefully! During the working week I was too tired and just plain lazy to cook proper meals. Or what I’ve been brought up to consider a ‘proper’ meal.
On the weekends I was lucky if I cleaned the house let alone cook for the week ahead. But now with all the time in the world, I’ve started cooking the meals that I grew up eating. I must admit that I am amazed that my mother was able to work a full time job and yet was able to cook the meals we had when we were growing up.
I wonder if this will continue once Bobim is here…most likely not but am hoping that by some slim chance that they may.
Cleaning
This is the part of my life that I feel an overwhelming feeling of compulsion to do and I was putting all this off until I was at home. My desire right now is to go through each room of my house and clean everything. From floors, walls, windows, furniture to cleaning out draws, cupboards and shelves.
Today I’ve planned to start with my bedroom and ensuite. My approach will be to tackle on room at a time, so I don’t over do it. The Salvos are going to receive a big bag of clothes that we don’t use anymore, I have to make sure that I deliver these clothes today otherwise my mother will screech and try to inherit them.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Mixed bag
Work
I’m done, I’ve finished up. The last week of work I only ended up working 3.5 days. I’ve spoken about the fever and the sickness so won’t go there again. On the Thursday there was a nice lunch at one of the restaurants close to work. 30 people from my department went, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want the fuss as I just wanted to leave without being noticed. It was nice and quick.
On the Friday the Project Manager that I had been working with for the last 2 years gave a nice speech, although I was totally unprepared for the reference to all the IF treatments and heart aches we went through to conceive and keep Bobim. I didn’t cry but it was very hard. My words back to the department were rushed and mumble. I think that I said something along the lines of “I’m looking forward to my new job of sleepless nights, crying baby and dirty nappies and see you all in a year”.
This is what we received from my colleagues:
Me
Friday night saw me have the worst night sleep ever….ever really? Yes ever! I couldn’t sleep lying down because of the wheezing and choking. Coughing had me throwing up most of the night. Tried to sleep sitting up but seemed to only manage maybe 3 hours total. At one point I was preparing to wake Tim to take me to the hospital. But decided to wait it out until the morning and see the GP again.
Diagnosis = Sever Bronchitis and if I had left it longer…possible pneumonia. So an on antibiotics and a puffer thing to help me cough up the shit in my lungs. I’m happy to report that I’m well on the way to recovery..not there yet but much better than I was.
Parents
My parents arrived home in the early hours of Wednesday morning…read midnight on Tuesday. I was woken yesterday morning to a phone call my mum to come over and take her to the Dr. She had a migraine from the anxiety and the trip. What a way to greet my parents…my mother throwing up and delirious. My Father with his arm so bruised it looks like something out of a horror movie. He had suffered a bad fall whilst overseas and didn’t want to tell me….cause I’m pregnant.
First week of freedom
From work? Freedom you have got to be kidding!!! I had Ellie and Tina with me from Sunday night till Tuesday and whilst I love them to death both of them here when I’m not feeling 100% was just a bit too much. But I didn’t feel that I could say no, plus part of me wanted them to be here.
Today is the first day that I’ve had to myself and just the simple task of doing the laundry this morning has given me a great deal of joy…go figure I know. But it is something that I’ve been wanting to do. This afternoon I plan on going to curtain places to organise quotes for Bobims room.
Speaking about Bobim’s room, I have a whole post with photo’s in the works to show you all what we have done.
I’m done, I’ve finished up. The last week of work I only ended up working 3.5 days. I’ve spoken about the fever and the sickness so won’t go there again. On the Thursday there was a nice lunch at one of the restaurants close to work. 30 people from my department went, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want the fuss as I just wanted to leave without being noticed. It was nice and quick.
On the Friday the Project Manager that I had been working with for the last 2 years gave a nice speech, although I was totally unprepared for the reference to all the IF treatments and heart aches we went through to conceive and keep Bobim. I didn’t cry but it was very hard. My words back to the department were rushed and mumble. I think that I said something along the lines of “I’m looking forward to my new job of sleepless nights, crying baby and dirty nappies and see you all in a year”.
This is what we received from my colleagues:
Me
Friday night saw me have the worst night sleep ever….ever really? Yes ever! I couldn’t sleep lying down because of the wheezing and choking. Coughing had me throwing up most of the night. Tried to sleep sitting up but seemed to only manage maybe 3 hours total. At one point I was preparing to wake Tim to take me to the hospital. But decided to wait it out until the morning and see the GP again.
Diagnosis = Sever Bronchitis and if I had left it longer…possible pneumonia. So an on antibiotics and a puffer thing to help me cough up the shit in my lungs. I’m happy to report that I’m well on the way to recovery..not there yet but much better than I was.
Parents
My parents arrived home in the early hours of Wednesday morning…read midnight on Tuesday. I was woken yesterday morning to a phone call my mum to come over and take her to the Dr. She had a migraine from the anxiety and the trip. What a way to greet my parents…my mother throwing up and delirious. My Father with his arm so bruised it looks like something out of a horror movie. He had suffered a bad fall whilst overseas and didn’t want to tell me….cause I’m pregnant.
First week of freedom
From work? Freedom you have got to be kidding!!! I had Ellie and Tina with me from Sunday night till Tuesday and whilst I love them to death both of them here when I’m not feeling 100% was just a bit too much. But I didn’t feel that I could say no, plus part of me wanted them to be here.
Today is the first day that I’ve had to myself and just the simple task of doing the laundry this morning has given me a great deal of joy…go figure I know. But it is something that I’ve been wanting to do. This afternoon I plan on going to curtain places to organise quotes for Bobims room.
Speaking about Bobim’s room, I have a whole post with photo’s in the works to show you all what we have done.
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