The weekend that was (a bit late)

I had Ellie and Tina stay here over the weekend and it was a nice distraction, from the way that I’ve been feeling lately. I’m currently typing on our new laptop whilst watching one of my many chick flicks that I own. Ellie is watching me type this is was getting upset that I described our weekend together as a “nice distraction”.

But she will get over it, both Tina and Ellie know how much Mimi and I love them. The worst part for me is always when they leave, my house has been filled with laughing, screaming, and sarcasm, teasing, joking and loving. Even though they are “classes” as teenagers that are still children, whom I can pretend are mine for three nights.

Last night we went to watch Tina play basket ball and even though she kinda sucked it was nice to sit there and watch my niece try her hardest to play. Their team got slaughter. On the way out of the court, there was a small team meeting and Mimi looks at me with longing in his eyes and says “I can’t wait until we do this with our kids”.

That just broke my heart, after months of ‘having a break’ I feel like our lives will not end if we don’t have our own child as there will be other ways to fill it with children. However having said that I can’t help the feel that my heart is not complete and will not ever be complete.

I can’t wait to get started with OI again but it really feels like a lifetime away. I’m hoping that the new doctor will be able to help us with out goal. I hat how I’m feeling these days lost, sad, no motivation, depressed even. I think that it maybe time to see J again and get balanced. I think that this is the main reason why I’m feeling the way I am.

Things that should NEVER be said to an infertile

“Better luck next time”

“Maybe you should have a D&C to ‘clean’ you out and then you will fall pregnant”

“I though that you were on a break”

“If you are going on a break, perhaps you should take contraception to stop yourself falling pregnant”

“Maybe you should just stop trying then” (After I mentioned I don’t know how my heart can take anymore miscarriages)

“My friend was told to go on a holiday and she came back pregnant, maybe you need a holiday”.

“Many women suffer miscarriages”

This was all said to me in one conversation. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

Some predictions do come true

I went to see my gp this afternoon as the dreaded time for a Pap smear was on me. What was worse than normal was the doctor wanted to take a swab sample as my uterus looked weird (which were her exact words). Yeah…that won’t stress me…much!

We talked a lot about work, my previous visitors, my fertility issues and of course my diet. I explained to her that I was thinking about starting the fertility treatment again and we talked about me seeing someone else, as I was feeling as though I was not getting the proper treatment with my current one.

She asked me if I had any type of hands on examination, you know them looking at my vagina, uterus check any, you know physical exam. I innocently said:
“No, all he has ordered is blood tests”
“That’s unusual; normally they don’t prescribe fertility treatment until they rule out everything” (which she replied whilst pulling a dramatic face). She went onto say “Perhaps it is best if you see someone from scratch and get a different perspective”.

So I now have my new referral in hand, and I made two appointments today one with old f/s and the other with the new. But and I just knew that this would be the case, they are not available until August…can you believe it August, this is when I was wanting to start treatment not wait and then start in September. Dr New is for the 15th August and Dr Old is for the 25th.

I’m also going to call nurse P tomorrow morning and work out whether or not I can do a treatment with her whilst waiting to see Dr Old, am not going to tell her that I also planing on seeing Dr New at the same time. Or the other option is to just wait and see Dr New and then start treatment… which I’m sure is the way Mimi would love to go.

On one of the Baby websites that I frequent there was a thread a while ago for those ladies who have already gone through IVF, ART and what advice they would pass onto newbies.. Now I don’t consider myself a newbie but this is what was said:

* Test everything BEFORE you begin treatment. From don't let them put you on clomid if they don't know your tubes are clear to don't let them do IVF until you've had a hysteroscopy. It's a waste of time, and energy, and drugs, and it's emotionally draining to be treated when it's not going to work for you.
* get a second opinion. I can't even begin to recount the number of people I've seen waste years of their lives because something was missed or misdiagnosed. No one is omnipotent, everyone makes mistakes, and doctors are people too.
So I’m taking the advice and am seeking a second opinion. Just before I sign off a quick update on my period status…my last period was 14th May. GP recommends that I do a HPT soon (like in the next two weeks)…I just said that it won’t happen if I don’t ovulate.

News from OS

I try to keep in touch with relatives that live OS, so last night I called to receive and give an update. Some of you may remember my previous post at Christmas time where I received a post card from one of my many cousins where she indicated that she was pregnant and due to give birth in June.

I just knew that there was a reason for the overwhelming need to call, I had the feeling all week that she had the baby and sure enough my second cousin gave birth to a healthy baby girl on the 31st May 2005. Whilst I was happy to hear the news, what was very devastating was to find out that her sister (Z) is also pregnant and is due to give birth by the end of August, start of September.

When Mimi and I were there 2 years ago we did discuss starting a family when them and part of me was really happy for Z, I could not help the feeling that both of my babies had to leave me just so that they could have theirs, you know like there was (is) some shortage on souls and my two little souls were given somewhere else rather than stay with me.

Now I’m an intelligent person and my logical part of my brain knows that my notion of “not enough souls” is ridiculous and under any other circumstance I would have dismissed that thought straight away; however I didn’t what is worse I’ve had that thought running through my mind and will not leave me…I even voiced that thought to my mother. Could this be a side affect from in fertility or going through ART? I don’t know, but I certainly don’t like the person that I have become when it is related to Babies.