Thursday, May 24, 2007
No title
This post has been long time in coming.
These days I feel as though I really don't have much to say or write. Life being busy is an understatement, I don't get much time to blog or really do anything.
I would like to get back into writting has it has been so useful.
But here is a quick snap shot of where we are with things:
Jordan
Camando crawling, sitting, clapping, waving, walking when holding his hands and standing. Only two teeth so far. Bath times are real fun, we basically put him in the baby bath into the big bath and stand near the door otherwise we are soaked through.
He is not shy and will happily bestow a smile to anyone that gives him some attention. A happy little boy.
Work
Who ever thought that I would LOVE being a support person rather than being in development. Perhaps the powers that be did, as I do love my job and everything that goes along with it. Very rewarding and the team is just...well like a little family.
Queensland
Can you believe there is still no news, we found out about this opportunity in January and we still have not seen a contract or have heard of any date that it will come through. Tim and I are getting sick of waiting and if we were handed the contract today, I doubt that we would go as I love my job, the friends that I've made and we are settled here.
In the meantime we are trying to find a similar contract here in Melbourne so that we can stay...I really want to stay.
We just don't know and we both hate being in this limbo land of uncertainty.
Family & Friends
A new nephew was born on mother's day about 2 weeks early but so very beautiful. G and Zs are pregnant about 8 weeks, and perhaps the infertile in my has subsided a bit because I'm so very happy for them. Perhaps it was because they took a few months of trying and Zs finally was able to understand, she was given a glance into the dissappointments I suffered month after month.
My parents and in-law just love looking after Jordy while I'm at work and he loves being with them.
And here I thought that I had nothing to say...go figure.
These days I feel as though I really don't have much to say or write. Life being busy is an understatement, I don't get much time to blog or really do anything.
I would like to get back into writting has it has been so useful.
But here is a quick snap shot of where we are with things:
Jordan
Camando crawling, sitting, clapping, waving, walking when holding his hands and standing. Only two teeth so far. Bath times are real fun, we basically put him in the baby bath into the big bath and stand near the door otherwise we are soaked through.
He is not shy and will happily bestow a smile to anyone that gives him some attention. A happy little boy.
Work
Who ever thought that I would LOVE being a support person rather than being in development. Perhaps the powers that be did, as I do love my job and everything that goes along with it. Very rewarding and the team is just...well like a little family.
Queensland
Can you believe there is still no news, we found out about this opportunity in January and we still have not seen a contract or have heard of any date that it will come through. Tim and I are getting sick of waiting and if we were handed the contract today, I doubt that we would go as I love my job, the friends that I've made and we are settled here.
In the meantime we are trying to find a similar contract here in Melbourne so that we can stay...I really want to stay.
We just don't know and we both hate being in this limbo land of uncertainty.
Family & Friends
A new nephew was born on mother's day about 2 weeks early but so very beautiful. G and Zs are pregnant about 8 weeks, and perhaps the infertile in my has subsided a bit because I'm so very happy for them. Perhaps it was because they took a few months of trying and Zs finally was able to understand, she was given a glance into the dissappointments I suffered month after month.
My parents and in-law just love looking after Jordy while I'm at work and he loves being with them.
And here I thought that I had nothing to say...go figure.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Remember Blessings
This post may seem appropriate given the day and it has been rattling around in my head for a week or so. But before I get to this gist of this post..here is a quick update:
******Update******
WORK
Back at work, and whilst I felt so guilty about leaving him and hated where I was placed. I’ve worked through these issue and am happy, actually happy. The extra money helps and stress of finances has lifted and I get to have some me time during the day. I spend more time with Jordan than I do at work which suits me. The work part of it is great, new challenging, it was not something I wanted to do and even tried my hardest to get out, but it seems that I’ve been put there for a reason and who knew that I would enjoy it so much?
QUEENSLAND
No news yet, it is just a matter of waiting. In the meantime we are slowly getting the house ready.
JORDAN
He is now sitting, my little man with two teeth is sitting and he is such a happy baby. He may not crawl yet and he may not be as active on the floor but he is happy and I’m not going to push him.
/-----End Update------/
I have completed the PND group sessions and meet some wonderful caring people who get me and my situation. There is nothing like having someone who just gets you.
In the last session we were asked to choose a couple of cards that reflect what we had learnt. I choose “Being Thankful” and “Remember Blessings”.
I’m deeply thankful to the counsellor for not letting me go, after seeing the Phycologist I thought that I was fine, over the hurdle, passed the issues I was having. In reality I was deluding myself. I was not “depressed” perse it was hard not to control the negative thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and recognising when it was getting too much.
I’m thankful for opening my eyes to reality that I was most likely suffering from anxiety and depression during the pregnancy. I can remember hyperventilating on the tram to work one day as I just didn’t want to go there…that was a sign and sign to slow down and a sign that I missed because I didn’t know better.
Remember blessing is to simply remember that I have my baby, my wonderful boy that brings so much love and laughter to my life. I sometimes stress about meeting his needs and being the “perfect mother” when I just need to remember that I have been blessed with this gift and to just cherish it. Jordan won’t know that he does not have the latest Pumpkin patch outfit…but he will notice and miss the time we play together.
I also need to remember that I almost died and I need to remember that I was blessed with a second chance. I came so very close and ignoring what happened to me is being stupid. I won’t dwell on it but I need to remember that someone..be it God, the universe or mother earth would not let me go. I am here for a reason and it is not to be some negative thinking, doubting blubbering mess. I have more to give and more to learn…there is just more.
So after just a short 8 weeks I feel like a different person and for it to last like this I need to work at it.
******Update******
WORK
Back at work, and whilst I felt so guilty about leaving him and hated where I was placed. I’ve worked through these issue and am happy, actually happy. The extra money helps and stress of finances has lifted and I get to have some me time during the day. I spend more time with Jordan than I do at work which suits me. The work part of it is great, new challenging, it was not something I wanted to do and even tried my hardest to get out, but it seems that I’ve been put there for a reason and who knew that I would enjoy it so much?
QUEENSLAND
No news yet, it is just a matter of waiting. In the meantime we are slowly getting the house ready.
JORDAN
He is now sitting, my little man with two teeth is sitting and he is such a happy baby. He may not crawl yet and he may not be as active on the floor but he is happy and I’m not going to push him.
/-----End Update------/
I have completed the PND group sessions and meet some wonderful caring people who get me and my situation. There is nothing like having someone who just gets you.
In the last session we were asked to choose a couple of cards that reflect what we had learnt. I choose “Being Thankful” and “Remember Blessings”.
I’m deeply thankful to the counsellor for not letting me go, after seeing the Phycologist I thought that I was fine, over the hurdle, passed the issues I was having. In reality I was deluding myself. I was not “depressed” perse it was hard not to control the negative thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and recognising when it was getting too much.
I’m thankful for opening my eyes to reality that I was most likely suffering from anxiety and depression during the pregnancy. I can remember hyperventilating on the tram to work one day as I just didn’t want to go there…that was a sign and sign to slow down and a sign that I missed because I didn’t know better.
Remember blessing is to simply remember that I have my baby, my wonderful boy that brings so much love and laughter to my life. I sometimes stress about meeting his needs and being the “perfect mother” when I just need to remember that I have been blessed with this gift and to just cherish it. Jordan won’t know that he does not have the latest Pumpkin patch outfit…but he will notice and miss the time we play together.
I also need to remember that I almost died and I need to remember that I was blessed with a second chance. I came so very close and ignoring what happened to me is being stupid. I won’t dwell on it but I need to remember that someone..be it God, the universe or mother earth would not let me go. I am here for a reason and it is not to be some negative thinking, doubting blubbering mess. I have more to give and more to learn…there is just more.
So after just a short 8 weeks I feel like a different person and for it to last like this I need to work at it.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Catch up
Bugsy asked the hard question the other day…How are YOU doing?...it took me a few days to get enough courage to write about things but the answer to that question is that I’m OK…if I take it day to day I’m ok.
I can now come clean with everything that will be happening as most of my family knows and those that have not been told do not read this blog.
Work
I’m going back to work…I don’t want to and it took me a good week and a great counselling session to work through all the anxiety. I am ok with it now and even looking forward to it.
Living from pay to pay is not easy, living on such a strict budget is also very tough. So the extra money will help for the moment. Initially I will be back 3 days a week and Jordan will be spoilt with the care of both his Grandparents. 2 days my mother will be looking after him and the other Tim’s mum will be looking after him.
I’m still trying to get an understanding for when I will start…work does not know this but it will only be for a short time….3-4 months and the reason for this…we are moving to Queensland.
Queensland.
Tim has been given an opportunity that we just can’t turn our backs on. He will be changing jobs and we will be starting our own Business. The earning potential is significant…very significant and if we play the financial game right this opportunity will set us up for life.
It will give us a chance for the life we have always dreamed off….I would be able to be a Stay at home Mum, I could work part time. The pressure will be off me to be the Bread earner…Tim will be taking on that role. But the down side is that we need to move to Queensland for minimum of 5 years.
My mother was snooping the other day and found the many lists I have going regarding this venture…I needed to start writing lists just to survive the anxiety. Whilst they are upset that we will be going…they recognise it is an opportunity that you just can’t give up.
The plan
When everything is ready to start, Tim will be heading up to Brisbane first whilst I work off the 3-4 months, in the meantime we are busy packing the house and getting it ready to rent out. The first few months of the venture will be really hard but I’m planning on moving in with my parents with Jordan after the furniture is sent up….at least that way I will not be too lonely and we will be taking it turns to visiting each other on the weekends.
Since the end of January we have known about this opportunity but I really couldn’t talk about it…as we were deciding “If” we would be doing it. Now it is just a matter of “When”.
PND
There are still some really tough days and as you can imagine with such a big huge life decision being made and a baby to look after…you can understand why at times it can be a bit too much (well I hope that you an understand).
The hardest part of having Post Natal Depression is that I’m also infertile…there is already guilt about having a healthy live baby…while still there are so many in the trenches struggling. Then there is the guilt of being Depressed with a healthy living baby…but I have learnt that it is ok to feel this way.
It is getting better, I’ve spent a lot of time talking and working on things and keeping negative people out of my life and it is working. There are still people that I can’t avoid but I can choose how I deal with them and most of the time it is just to walk away.
It is hard to explain how things are…so I will give you an example…the other day for Jordan’s 6 month check up the Mother & Child Heath Care nurse mentioned that Jordan’s weight for his height was in the 25th percentile and it was said in an informative way…not condescending just letting me know (his length is 69cm and weight is 7.7kg), now even weeks later there are times when it creeps into my head that he needs to put on more weight and his is too skinny.
I take something that is innocently said and my mind turns it into something negative and relating it too my bad mothering skills. Now whilst I know that he is NOT underweight…and I KNOW that he is healthy…my mind likes to make it out that I’m the worst mother ever to walk this earth.
But I have learnt and it is even so very hard to write these words…but I’m starting to believe that “I am a great mother”.
I can now come clean with everything that will be happening as most of my family knows and those that have not been told do not read this blog.
Work
I’m going back to work…I don’t want to and it took me a good week and a great counselling session to work through all the anxiety. I am ok with it now and even looking forward to it.
Living from pay to pay is not easy, living on such a strict budget is also very tough. So the extra money will help for the moment. Initially I will be back 3 days a week and Jordan will be spoilt with the care of both his Grandparents. 2 days my mother will be looking after him and the other Tim’s mum will be looking after him.
I’m still trying to get an understanding for when I will start…work does not know this but it will only be for a short time….3-4 months and the reason for this…we are moving to Queensland.
Queensland.
Tim has been given an opportunity that we just can’t turn our backs on. He will be changing jobs and we will be starting our own Business. The earning potential is significant…very significant and if we play the financial game right this opportunity will set us up for life.
It will give us a chance for the life we have always dreamed off….I would be able to be a Stay at home Mum, I could work part time. The pressure will be off me to be the Bread earner…Tim will be taking on that role. But the down side is that we need to move to Queensland for minimum of 5 years.
My mother was snooping the other day and found the many lists I have going regarding this venture…I needed to start writing lists just to survive the anxiety. Whilst they are upset that we will be going…they recognise it is an opportunity that you just can’t give up.
The plan
When everything is ready to start, Tim will be heading up to Brisbane first whilst I work off the 3-4 months, in the meantime we are busy packing the house and getting it ready to rent out. The first few months of the venture will be really hard but I’m planning on moving in with my parents with Jordan after the furniture is sent up….at least that way I will not be too lonely and we will be taking it turns to visiting each other on the weekends.
Since the end of January we have known about this opportunity but I really couldn’t talk about it…as we were deciding “If” we would be doing it. Now it is just a matter of “When”.
PND
There are still some really tough days and as you can imagine with such a big huge life decision being made and a baby to look after…you can understand why at times it can be a bit too much (well I hope that you an understand).
The hardest part of having Post Natal Depression is that I’m also infertile…there is already guilt about having a healthy live baby…while still there are so many in the trenches struggling. Then there is the guilt of being Depressed with a healthy living baby…but I have learnt that it is ok to feel this way.
It is getting better, I’ve spent a lot of time talking and working on things and keeping negative people out of my life and it is working. There are still people that I can’t avoid but I can choose how I deal with them and most of the time it is just to walk away.
It is hard to explain how things are…so I will give you an example…the other day for Jordan’s 6 month check up the Mother & Child Heath Care nurse mentioned that Jordan’s weight for his height was in the 25th percentile and it was said in an informative way…not condescending just letting me know (his length is 69cm and weight is 7.7kg), now even weeks later there are times when it creeps into my head that he needs to put on more weight and his is too skinny.
I take something that is innocently said and my mind turns it into something negative and relating it too my bad mothering skills. Now whilst I know that he is NOT underweight…and I KNOW that he is healthy…my mind likes to make it out that I’m the worst mother ever to walk this earth.
But I have learnt and it is even so very hard to write these words…but I’m starting to believe that “I am a great mother”.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Happy 14th Birthday
Dear Tina
Happy 14th Birthday, you are so beautiful and such an amazing person!
14 years ago you were born today and I can remember that day so clearly. Your Dad droped into Mamma and Pappa's house he had tears in his eyes when I opened the door and annouced "I have another daughter". I quickly went into my room and cried happy tears...another neice to love and cherish.
I had not even met you but I loved you with all my heart,
I had not even seen you but I knew you as though you were my own,
I had not heard you but still loved you
I had not held you but knew you completely.
It may seem as though your sister takes up all my heart...actually she takes up a lot of attention (the little drama queen) but you must never ever forget that I love you unconditionally.
I hope that you have a great day on this special day.
Lots of love your Godmother
Mari
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
New Tricks
Each day is a new discovery and new trick that Jordan can do, I’ve mentioned this before but sometimes it feels as though Jordan is a performing animal. Tim is often greeted with “Mimi, Mimi look at what Jordan does now”. Poor child, he will most likely require therapy when he is older.
Sitting is going ok, when propped up with pillows or in the high chair..as you can see here:
Sitting is going ok, when propped up with pillows or in the high chair..as you can see here:
We went Swimming for the first time last week and while he didn’t like being dunked he loved…loved sucking on my hand. We are going again today, to help escape the hot weather.
Jordan can easily roll from his tummy to his back, and is desperately working to roll the other way. But will roll to his side to reach for toys.
He has found his feet and his feet have found his mouth. He can easily grasp toys when offered to him and will pass them from hand to hand, but just about everything finds its way into his mouth.
We bought a Jolly Jumper but Jordan has not quite worked it out that he should use both feet together to jump, instead we see him stomping away whilst turning around.
He is starting to hold his bottle when feeding, but easily gets bored or is bit too heavy. When I offer the bottle to him, he will grab at with two hands steering it towards his mouth, but most times the teat ends up in his eye. But at least he wants to help me feed him.
If he could Jordan would stand all day long, hates sitting for too long, loves to stand. He doesn’t like being cuddled too much (which I never hear the end of it from my mother in law) as he enjoys being on the floor, yelling, giggling and singing.
Monday, January 15, 2007
5 Months
As normal I’m awakened by some angry shouting coming from the other end of the house. I get dressed quickly and walk in saying Good morning to my little boy. I have learnt not to greet the day too loudly as it often scares him and he cries from the fright…I’m greeted with a smile and this is how I find Jordan.
Every month I say how I can’t believe how quickly he is growing…I’m not going to say that this month, instead here are some photo’s to mark his 5th Month!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
If Only
Jordan will be 5 months on Monday, yes you read right 5 MONTHS…already. Whilst I’m still no expert when it comes to child raising, there are a few things that I would’ve differently, or I wish I had known while I was pregnant.
Nappies
Oh God I have kicked and kicked myself for being so stupid…why oh why did I think that I could deal with and handle Cloth nappies. A Gold medal must be awarded to those ladies that are committed and disciplined enough to use Cloth nappies. The only thing I use the flat terry towel nappies to as a vomit rag.
I now wish that I spent the pregnancy buying disposable nappies, or researching cheap places to buy them. Hindsight in this instance is a fucking curse.
Anyone out there that is pregnant, start buying nappies NOW!!!!
Formula
If only I had a crystal ball that would’ve shown me the future, so that I would’ve known that I couldn’t breast feed. How unprepared we were for us to be bottle feeding. We bought the Steriliser on the way home from the hospital.
A tin of formula currently lasts 6 days and again I wish that I had researched which one was the best and where I can buy them cheap. Coles (supermarket) currently sell Jordan’s formula for about $23.00, but I have found a Chemist (Pharmacy) that constantly has 10% off Baby stuff and I can get it for $16-$17. This is not too bad.
Sleeping
To reduce the risk of SIDS, it is recommended that your child sleep on their back, all well and good. BUT…BUT I now have to go to a Physiotherapist as my darling little boy has a very flat head.
If I had my time again I would ensure that Jordan slept on his sides by rolling up towels. Equal time on both sides and back, I’m now terrified that he may have to wear a helmet thing so that his head grows properly.
Prepared
I was not prepared well enough for this child. We bought the lovely furniture, we painted the room, we bought silly toys that he won’t use yet and yes I did buy clothes…but stupid things..out fits and cute things not practical stuff. I’m now finding what clothes are best. So here is my advice (assvice – however you want to take it):
- Every week you do your grocery shopping, buy baby wipes, nappies (if they are on special)
- If you have PCOS be prepared that you may not have milk and at least buy one bottle and sterilising tablets (MILTON). I wouldn’t recommend that you all rush out and buy and steriliser as you maybe different to me. But you will use the tablets even if you are breast feeding for dummies. One tablet will sterilise 2liters of water and they are cheap.
- DON’T buy the Tommy Tippee nappy bin, we did and they are just a money pit. You need to constantly buy the refill and they are not cheap. About $17-$18, instead there are anti-bacterial plastic bags that you can buy in the baby section of the supermarket…much cheaper and are often on special.
- Clothes wise, the singlets that do up under the nappy are fantastic. Long sleeved and short sleeved onsies are a MUST and sleeping bags. Now the little jumpsuits and rompers are good, but only if they don’t have feet, Jordan is long and lean so the ones that don’t have feet last longer…we put socks on him anyway.
- We love the Pumpkin Patch bunny rugs, I don’t wrap/swaddle Jordan as he hates it but they are great as a blanket for during the day. Easy to wash, and last a long time, cost around $20 but if you can get to the Factory outlet then they are much cheaper. I change Jordan’s blanket every day as he sticks them in his mouth and often vomits on them.
If anything I just wish my head was not in the clouds as much and I had prepared a bit more. But I suppose that I was in shock and awe that I was FINALLY pregnant that I didn’t think of anything after the birth and now on one wage I find it that much tougher.
Nappies
Oh God I have kicked and kicked myself for being so stupid…why oh why did I think that I could deal with and handle Cloth nappies. A Gold medal must be awarded to those ladies that are committed and disciplined enough to use Cloth nappies. The only thing I use the flat terry towel nappies to as a vomit rag.
I now wish that I spent the pregnancy buying disposable nappies, or researching cheap places to buy them. Hindsight in this instance is a fucking curse.
Anyone out there that is pregnant, start buying nappies NOW!!!!
Formula
If only I had a crystal ball that would’ve shown me the future, so that I would’ve known that I couldn’t breast feed. How unprepared we were for us to be bottle feeding. We bought the Steriliser on the way home from the hospital.
A tin of formula currently lasts 6 days and again I wish that I had researched which one was the best and where I can buy them cheap. Coles (supermarket) currently sell Jordan’s formula for about $23.00, but I have found a Chemist (Pharmacy) that constantly has 10% off Baby stuff and I can get it for $16-$17. This is not too bad.
Sleeping
To reduce the risk of SIDS, it is recommended that your child sleep on their back, all well and good. BUT…BUT I now have to go to a Physiotherapist as my darling little boy has a very flat head.
If I had my time again I would ensure that Jordan slept on his sides by rolling up towels. Equal time on both sides and back, I’m now terrified that he may have to wear a helmet thing so that his head grows properly.
Prepared
I was not prepared well enough for this child. We bought the lovely furniture, we painted the room, we bought silly toys that he won’t use yet and yes I did buy clothes…but stupid things..out fits and cute things not practical stuff. I’m now finding what clothes are best. So here is my advice (assvice – however you want to take it):
- Every week you do your grocery shopping, buy baby wipes, nappies (if they are on special)
- If you have PCOS be prepared that you may not have milk and at least buy one bottle and sterilising tablets (MILTON). I wouldn’t recommend that you all rush out and buy and steriliser as you maybe different to me. But you will use the tablets even if you are breast feeding for dummies. One tablet will sterilise 2liters of water and they are cheap.
- DON’T buy the Tommy Tippee nappy bin, we did and they are just a money pit. You need to constantly buy the refill and they are not cheap. About $17-$18, instead there are anti-bacterial plastic bags that you can buy in the baby section of the supermarket…much cheaper and are often on special.
- Clothes wise, the singlets that do up under the nappy are fantastic. Long sleeved and short sleeved onsies are a MUST and sleeping bags. Now the little jumpsuits and rompers are good, but only if they don’t have feet, Jordan is long and lean so the ones that don’t have feet last longer…we put socks on him anyway.
- We love the Pumpkin Patch bunny rugs, I don’t wrap/swaddle Jordan as he hates it but they are great as a blanket for during the day. Easy to wash, and last a long time, cost around $20 but if you can get to the Factory outlet then they are much cheaper. I change Jordan’s blanket every day as he sticks them in his mouth and often vomits on them.
If anything I just wish my head was not in the clouds as much and I had prepared a bit more. But I suppose that I was in shock and awe that I was FINALLY pregnant that I didn’t think of anything after the birth and now on one wage I find it that much tougher.
Friday, December 15, 2006
4 Months
Jordan is 4 months today, last night I spent some time looking over his photo’s and it amazes me how quickly he is growing. The other day I heard someone mention somewhere something that happened in October and I sat there dumbfounded, where was October. Did we have October this year? Where was I?
It feels as though I’ve missed September, October and a little of November, I can’t remember anything that happened in those months as they are a blur.
These days I’m enjoying Jordan much more, actually we are enjoying each other. I can’t wait to wake in the morning and greet him as I look forward to every day I spend with him. There has been a big shift in how I feel as a Mother, care giver and my feelings towards Jordan. Loving him goes with out saying, but enjoying him and cherishing his smiles, giggles and even his tantrums are a different story.
The first 3 months are tough really tough and I think that the blurry period is a way of protecting yourself from really going insane. A good night sleep is also the key. Jordan is sleeping through the nights now, he has been for about a month now. Off to bed between 8:30 and 9pm and wakes up between 6am to 7:30am.
Today also marks an anniversary of a kind. This day last year I received my first positive beta for Jordan. It was 108, which can be considered as low but still it was a positive beta. A year ago today I didn’t know if I would be lucky enough to carry the pregnancy to term and I didn’t know a lot of things. I thank God with every fiber of my being for the precious gift of my son.
Happy 4 months Jordan!
It feels as though I’ve missed September, October and a little of November, I can’t remember anything that happened in those months as they are a blur.
These days I’m enjoying Jordan much more, actually we are enjoying each other. I can’t wait to wake in the morning and greet him as I look forward to every day I spend with him. There has been a big shift in how I feel as a Mother, care giver and my feelings towards Jordan. Loving him goes with out saying, but enjoying him and cherishing his smiles, giggles and even his tantrums are a different story.
The first 3 months are tough really tough and I think that the blurry period is a way of protecting yourself from really going insane. A good night sleep is also the key. Jordan is sleeping through the nights now, he has been for about a month now. Off to bed between 8:30 and 9pm and wakes up between 6am to 7:30am.
Today also marks an anniversary of a kind. This day last year I received my first positive beta for Jordan. It was 108, which can be considered as low but still it was a positive beta. A year ago today I didn’t know if I would be lucky enough to carry the pregnancy to term and I didn’t know a lot of things. I thank God with every fiber of my being for the precious gift of my son.
Happy 4 months Jordan!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Firsts
From August 2006 till August 2007 will be a year of firsts. Jordan’s, Tim’s and my firsts. Up until now we have had many firsts, our first cuddle, our first kiss, our first smile, giggle, cry, tears. So many firsts have already been achieved and so many more are just waiting in the wings.
This week marks two more firsts, that I feel compelled to blog about. Jordan has his first ever running nose and cough, what makes this first harder than the most is that there is nothing I can really do to help him.
Baby Panadol is all I can give him along with some comforting cuddles. Fishing for snot is not something either of us enjoys but it must be done so that he can breathe.
This weekend will be Jordan’s first sleep over at my Mum’s house, Tim’s work has a huge Christmas Party in the city and we thought it best that he stay with my parents as we don’t know when we will be coming home. Plus it gives us a chance to sleep in.
I’m not looking forward to leaving him there and I’m not sure who will be more anxious, Tim or myself. But it will be a good experience for all of us. There was NO question of leaving Jordan with my in-laws, there is no way that we could trust them to follow our instructions. Which is really very sad.
This week marks two more firsts, that I feel compelled to blog about. Jordan has his first ever running nose and cough, what makes this first harder than the most is that there is nothing I can really do to help him.
Baby Panadol is all I can give him along with some comforting cuddles. Fishing for snot is not something either of us enjoys but it must be done so that he can breathe.
This weekend will be Jordan’s first sleep over at my Mum’s house, Tim’s work has a huge Christmas Party in the city and we thought it best that he stay with my parents as we don’t know when we will be coming home. Plus it gives us a chance to sleep in.
I’m not looking forward to leaving him there and I’m not sure who will be more anxious, Tim or myself. But it will be a good experience for all of us. There was NO question of leaving Jordan with my in-laws, there is no way that we could trust them to follow our instructions. Which is really very sad.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Christening
It has taken me a while to 1) get over the day 2) get over the ‘negative’ things that happened on the day. I don’t want to remember all the bad stuff, but being the Mari that I am I have to work through all the negative stuff before I can concentrate on the good things.
Jordan was an absolute gem on the day. He woke at 6:30am, I decided to dress him in his Christening clothes before the feed (dangerous I know, but I had a huge bib on that reached his knees). After feeding him he promptly fell asleep.
We arrived at the Church on time and were waiting for the Mass to finish, in the meantime Jordan was showing off his smiling ability to everyone. But was kept in the pram as I didn’t want to over stimulate him.
When people started leaving the Mass Ellie, Jordan and I started walking up to the front. There were all these ladies, family and friends that have known me since I was a child. They have seen me grow up, dance, perform and marry, there is a real history in that place.
At one point I was completely surrounded by these people, whom I lost contact with as I don’t go to the community centre often. They were all congratulating me on the birth of my son and were all having a peek. I started crying. Ellie didn’t understand why I was crying, I didn’t expect to be moved like I was.
Finally, finally after so many years I was introducing my son to these people, my son, my blessed son. I never expected to be so very happy and proud all in one. I knew that I would see some people, but didn’t expect to have this reaction.
The Christening lasted 30 minutes which was great and he cried on cue when the priest poured the holy water over his head. To get rid of the paparazzi (photographers) Jordan promptly spewed up, which was a good sign to head off.
The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, but I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I didn’t, it was a big day and I spent most of the time trying to get him to sleep. He didn’t mind being passed like a parcel around to people.
All in all there was way too much food left, way too many drinks left and not enough photo’s taken. But it is over and done with now and part of me feels blessed to have had the chance to bring my child into God’s house.
Jordan was an absolute gem on the day. He woke at 6:30am, I decided to dress him in his Christening clothes before the feed (dangerous I know, but I had a huge bib on that reached his knees). After feeding him he promptly fell asleep.
We arrived at the Church on time and were waiting for the Mass to finish, in the meantime Jordan was showing off his smiling ability to everyone. But was kept in the pram as I didn’t want to over stimulate him.
When people started leaving the Mass Ellie, Jordan and I started walking up to the front. There were all these ladies, family and friends that have known me since I was a child. They have seen me grow up, dance, perform and marry, there is a real history in that place.
At one point I was completely surrounded by these people, whom I lost contact with as I don’t go to the community centre often. They were all congratulating me on the birth of my son and were all having a peek. I started crying. Ellie didn’t understand why I was crying, I didn’t expect to be moved like I was.
Finally, finally after so many years I was introducing my son to these people, my son, my blessed son. I never expected to be so very happy and proud all in one. I knew that I would see some people, but didn’t expect to have this reaction.
The Christening lasted 30 minutes which was great and he cried on cue when the priest poured the holy water over his head. To get rid of the paparazzi (photographers) Jordan promptly spewed up, which was a good sign to head off.
The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, but I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I didn’t, it was a big day and I spent most of the time trying to get him to sleep. He didn’t mind being passed like a parcel around to people.
All in all there was way too much food left, way too many drinks left and not enough photo’s taken. But it is over and done with now and part of me feels blessed to have had the chance to bring my child into God’s house.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Lists
For those that have read this blog you will already know that I love compiling lists. I sometimes find that I can’t function properly without having a list. Take this weekend for example, to avoid an all out stress attack, I’m finding myself drawn to excel to compile multiple lists.
* A list of things to buy,
* A list of things to make (cook)
* A list of what to clean
* A list of things that need to be done
I’m not looking forward to the Christening as I’m worried about how Jordan will be on the day. Will he be grumpy, how will he react to having so many people surround him.
I’m also really worried that my sister will drink too much and start a fight with my parents. Or my parents will start something with my BIL. I’m sure that I’m stressing for nothing, but I can’t help worry about hosting such an important event.
To help me prepare, Ellie is here and her job on Sunday is to follow Jordan around and if she sees him getting tired she is to step in and take him off to bed. Being his Godmother it is her job to look after him which gives me some relief.
* A list of things to buy,
* A list of things to make (cook)
* A list of what to clean
* A list of things that need to be done
I’m not looking forward to the Christening as I’m worried about how Jordan will be on the day. Will he be grumpy, how will he react to having so many people surround him.
I’m also really worried that my sister will drink too much and start a fight with my parents. Or my parents will start something with my BIL. I’m sure that I’m stressing for nothing, but I can’t help worry about hosting such an important event.
To help me prepare, Ellie is here and her job on Sunday is to follow Jordan around and if she sees him getting tired she is to step in and take him off to bed. Being his Godmother it is her job to look after him which gives me some relief.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
AJ CD2 of C#3
I guess that some of you can understand some of the title, but I will decipher it for you. After Jordan Cycle Day 2 of Cycle # 3, for those that don’t know what I mean, today is the second day of my period and this is the third period I’ve had since giving birth to Jordan.
What does this all mean….could it be that my periods are finally regular? Could it be linked to the fact that altogether I have lost 25kg since conceiving Jordan?
What it does mean is that I’ve intentionally let an egg free and not tried to conceive a baby. For the past 3+ years every ovulation was monitored, every egg was cherished; it meant another chance to have our baby. It feels so strange to be ovulating with out cycling or ‘doing it’ at the right time. I have always felt ovulation pain and it is so strange to feel it and not jump Tim, or rush to do an OPK just to confirm.
It feels wrong not to check my CM and most of all it feels so wrong that NOW it seems that I’m regular…my cycles are exactly 32days and 3 cycles in a row is unheard off for me.
TTC, Cycles, Cycle Days, OPK, HPT, EWCM and BD have been in my vocabulary for so very long that it feels strange to be giving them up now that I’m a Mummy. Even though Tim and I are not actively TTC, I am actively monitoring my cycles because one day we will be looking to start again and there is no way that I’m waiting around to check when my period is coming…I want to know for sure, and I want to know that if this luck of regular cycles disappears then we will be going straight back to Dr New for more Ovulation Induction.
In the meantime I will be updating my spreadsheet that I used when TTC for Jordan and I live in the hope that maybe, just maybe my body is back to being ‘normal’ again. Normal that is for someone that has PCOS with irregular periods.
What does this all mean….could it be that my periods are finally regular? Could it be linked to the fact that altogether I have lost 25kg since conceiving Jordan?
What it does mean is that I’ve intentionally let an egg free and not tried to conceive a baby. For the past 3+ years every ovulation was monitored, every egg was cherished; it meant another chance to have our baby. It feels so strange to be ovulating with out cycling or ‘doing it’ at the right time. I have always felt ovulation pain and it is so strange to feel it and not jump Tim, or rush to do an OPK just to confirm.
It feels wrong not to check my CM and most of all it feels so wrong that NOW it seems that I’m regular…my cycles are exactly 32days and 3 cycles in a row is unheard off for me.
TTC, Cycles, Cycle Days, OPK, HPT, EWCM and BD have been in my vocabulary for so very long that it feels strange to be giving them up now that I’m a Mummy. Even though Tim and I are not actively TTC, I am actively monitoring my cycles because one day we will be looking to start again and there is no way that I’m waiting around to check when my period is coming…I want to know for sure, and I want to know that if this luck of regular cycles disappears then we will be going straight back to Dr New for more Ovulation Induction.
In the meantime I will be updating my spreadsheet that I used when TTC for Jordan and I live in the hope that maybe, just maybe my body is back to being ‘normal’ again. Normal that is for someone that has PCOS with irregular periods.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
3 Months
I can’t believe that Jordan is already 3 months old (today), here is a quick update on his progress
Tummy-time: I still struggle to find the time every single day to put JJ on his tummy. But when I do now, instead of lifting his head, he sucks the blanket of the towel that he is on. He has no real interest in lifting his head too much. But he rarely cries on his tummy, we often have a good ‘ol chat whilst lying there face to face.
Focus: I’m afraid to admitt that my son loves the TV…he is so fascinated with the lights and the movement of the TV. He recognises me from a distance now, and I have to be careful of how I approach him in his room, as sometimes I frighten him.
Hearing: Most recently if Jordan has cracked the shits and we turn up the music he stops crying. We noticed this in the car, he was screaming but as soon as Tim increased the volume of the radio he quietened down and went to sleep.
Smiles: Full faced smiles is what is on the menu these days, he will smile at anyone that gives him the time of day. We get more smiling than we do crying. Jordan is slowly building up to a laugh / giggle, give it a few weeks and I’m sure that I will be reporting our first laugh.
Speech: Still a very chatty child, he has been struggling to mimic the “farting” noise you do with your mouth…he tries so hard and gets so frustrated with himself. We have noticed that he loves it when we repeat his noises back to him. Gets a real kick out of it.
Feeding: No real change here, other than Jordan has set his routine now and is like clock work. His times do not vary anymore, 7am, 10am, 1pm and 4pm during the day, we usually have to wake him at 8:30pm for a bath and his last feed of the day.
Sleeping: He is still sleeping very well at night, it seems as though he maybe going longer at night. We were getting used to a 2am feed but then he went to 4am two days in a row and then this morning he went to 6am.
During the day he cat naps, roughly half an hour before and feed and half an hour after a feed. But he is awake and active most of the time during the day. Which gives us a lot of time to work on the ‘farting’ noise and the laugh. In the afternoon Jordan has a big sleep from about 4pm till his bath time…which we usually have to wake him for.
Crying: These days it is not a cry you will hear but a yell, he likes to yell when he is unhappy. Every Mothers Group I attend Jordan loves to demonstrate to the other children how big his lungs are…yes every single time…right at the start he yells.
Tummy-time: I still struggle to find the time every single day to put JJ on his tummy. But when I do now, instead of lifting his head, he sucks the blanket of the towel that he is on. He has no real interest in lifting his head too much. But he rarely cries on his tummy, we often have a good ‘ol chat whilst lying there face to face.
Focus: I’m afraid to admitt that my son loves the TV…he is so fascinated with the lights and the movement of the TV. He recognises me from a distance now, and I have to be careful of how I approach him in his room, as sometimes I frighten him.
Hearing: Most recently if Jordan has cracked the shits and we turn up the music he stops crying. We noticed this in the car, he was screaming but as soon as Tim increased the volume of the radio he quietened down and went to sleep.
Smiles: Full faced smiles is what is on the menu these days, he will smile at anyone that gives him the time of day. We get more smiling than we do crying. Jordan is slowly building up to a laugh / giggle, give it a few weeks and I’m sure that I will be reporting our first laugh.
Speech: Still a very chatty child, he has been struggling to mimic the “farting” noise you do with your mouth…he tries so hard and gets so frustrated with himself. We have noticed that he loves it when we repeat his noises back to him. Gets a real kick out of it.
Feeding: No real change here, other than Jordan has set his routine now and is like clock work. His times do not vary anymore, 7am, 10am, 1pm and 4pm during the day, we usually have to wake him at 8:30pm for a bath and his last feed of the day.
Sleeping: He is still sleeping very well at night, it seems as though he maybe going longer at night. We were getting used to a 2am feed but then he went to 4am two days in a row and then this morning he went to 6am.
During the day he cat naps, roughly half an hour before and feed and half an hour after a feed. But he is awake and active most of the time during the day. Which gives us a lot of time to work on the ‘farting’ noise and the laugh. In the afternoon Jordan has a big sleep from about 4pm till his bath time…which we usually have to wake him for.
Crying: These days it is not a cry you will hear but a yell, he likes to yell when he is unhappy. Every Mothers Group I attend Jordan loves to demonstrate to the other children how big his lungs are…yes every single time…right at the start he yells.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Like a dog
Almost daily Jordan has new tricks, a new smile, new sound, new facial expression and he is discovering new things too.
His latest is a fascination with his left hand…he holds it up as a fist at arms length, whilst starting at it with a surprised expression on his face. Then the fist slowly moves towards his mouth which is opened in an O shape…then he sucks and sucks and sucks.
The other morning we woke to the sounds of sucking…not crying…sucking. He was happily trying to shove his fist into his mouth, so very cute. This afternoon whilst changing his nappy Jordan decided to show me his fist and when I went to give him a kiss on his cheek he moved his hand, as if to indicate that I must kiss his fist.
His latest smile is very similar to a smiley face with the tongue hanging out, it lights up his whole face. But it’s almost like his is embarrassed at the same time..you can almost hear the shuckssss….and foot shuffle to go along with that smile. It is out favourite!
Jordan has also decided to mistake any part of my body as a tissue. I go to burp him and he rubs his head from side to side…he does it so much that his little nose turns red. This is new and I don’t get what he is doing, it is only when he is tired. We wonder if he is unconsciously still seeking milk from my breast…because that is what it looks like.
Secretly I love it how he rubs his head against me, he is not crying just seeking comfort.
His latest is a fascination with his left hand…he holds it up as a fist at arms length, whilst starting at it with a surprised expression on his face. Then the fist slowly moves towards his mouth which is opened in an O shape…then he sucks and sucks and sucks.
The other morning we woke to the sounds of sucking…not crying…sucking. He was happily trying to shove his fist into his mouth, so very cute. This afternoon whilst changing his nappy Jordan decided to show me his fist and when I went to give him a kiss on his cheek he moved his hand, as if to indicate that I must kiss his fist.
His latest smile is very similar to a smiley face with the tongue hanging out, it lights up his whole face. But it’s almost like his is embarrassed at the same time..you can almost hear the shuckssss….and foot shuffle to go along with that smile. It is out favourite!
Jordan has also decided to mistake any part of my body as a tissue. I go to burp him and he rubs his head from side to side…he does it so much that his little nose turns red. This is new and I don’t get what he is doing, it is only when he is tired. We wonder if he is unconsciously still seeking milk from my breast…because that is what it looks like.
Secretly I love it how he rubs his head against me, he is not crying just seeking comfort.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
In other news
I’ve been referred to a specialist in order to have my gall bladder removed. My appointment is for next Thursday and from my guess the surgery will happen in November sometime…very serious stuff and no mucking about…or waiting around.
Since giving birth to Jordan I think that I’ve passed a number of stones, but the last time that it occurred I was in so much pain that I could not function. The other times…the pain passed quickly and I was able to look after my son.
My greatest fear with this now is that the pain will grip me again when it is just the two of us at home. When it starts I’m incapacitated there is no way that I could even look after Jordan. I could delay the surgery and wait until he is a little older but then I run the risk of it hitting me when I least expect it.
Then there are my feelings about the whole surgery, I feel as though I’m abandoning my little boy, even if it will be for a few days…I’m riddled with guilt. I know that I would not be a good mother if I ignored this and didn’t have the surgery…
The evil demon visited again, during the early morning feed. But this time I made it a point to talk to Tim about what the bastard said:
“What if I die during surgery?....Oh that is ok, Tim will find someone else to be the mother of Jordan. Jordan won’t miss me…plus Tim’s mother is much “better” mother than I am and she will help him”.
Perhaps the evil demon is a sign of PND, I don’t know, but when I had that thought…I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel hurt, angry, upset, happy. I felt nothing, no remorse, no pain , no sorrow…nothing…nada…zip. If anything the lack of feeling scares me more than that thought.
After telling Tim I did feel better and something deep inside me made me go and check on Jordan…as I leaned over the cot to see if he was awake, his eyes open and in the small light produced by the little lamp next to his bed he recognised me…and smiled…and that brought me back…my demon bashing bat grew and I was able to fight the bastard off again…even if for a little while.
Since giving birth to Jordan I think that I’ve passed a number of stones, but the last time that it occurred I was in so much pain that I could not function. The other times…the pain passed quickly and I was able to look after my son.
My greatest fear with this now is that the pain will grip me again when it is just the two of us at home. When it starts I’m incapacitated there is no way that I could even look after Jordan. I could delay the surgery and wait until he is a little older but then I run the risk of it hitting me when I least expect it.
Then there are my feelings about the whole surgery, I feel as though I’m abandoning my little boy, even if it will be for a few days…I’m riddled with guilt. I know that I would not be a good mother if I ignored this and didn’t have the surgery…
The evil demon visited again, during the early morning feed. But this time I made it a point to talk to Tim about what the bastard said:
“What if I die during surgery?....Oh that is ok, Tim will find someone else to be the mother of Jordan. Jordan won’t miss me…plus Tim’s mother is much “better” mother than I am and she will help him”.
Perhaps the evil demon is a sign of PND, I don’t know, but when I had that thought…I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel hurt, angry, upset, happy. I felt nothing, no remorse, no pain , no sorrow…nothing…nada…zip. If anything the lack of feeling scares me more than that thought.
After telling Tim I did feel better and something deep inside me made me go and check on Jordan…as I leaned over the cot to see if he was awake, his eyes open and in the small light produced by the little lamp next to his bed he recognised me…and smiled…and that brought me back…my demon bashing bat grew and I was able to fight the bastard off again…even if for a little while.
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