Almost daily Jordan has new tricks, a new smile, new sound, new facial expression and he is discovering new things too.
His latest is a fascination with his left hand…he holds it up as a fist at arms length, whilst starting at it with a surprised expression on his face. Then the fist slowly moves towards his mouth which is opened in an O shape…then he sucks and sucks and sucks.
The other morning we woke to the sounds of sucking…not crying…sucking. He was happily trying to shove his fist into his mouth, so very cute. This afternoon whilst changing his nappy Jordan decided to show me his fist and when I went to give him a kiss on his cheek he moved his hand, as if to indicate that I must kiss his fist.
His latest smile is very similar to a smiley face with the tongue hanging out, it lights up his whole face. But it’s almost like his is embarrassed at the same time..you can almost hear the shuckssss….and foot shuffle to go along with that smile. It is out favourite!
Jordan has also decided to mistake any part of my body as a tissue. I go to burp him and he rubs his head from side to side…he does it so much that his little nose turns red. This is new and I don’t get what he is doing, it is only when he is tired. We wonder if he is unconsciously still seeking milk from my breast…because that is what it looks like.
Secretly I love it how he rubs his head against me, he is not crying just seeking comfort.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
In other news
I’ve been referred to a specialist in order to have my gall bladder removed. My appointment is for next Thursday and from my guess the surgery will happen in November sometime…very serious stuff and no mucking about…or waiting around.
Since giving birth to Jordan I think that I’ve passed a number of stones, but the last time that it occurred I was in so much pain that I could not function. The other times…the pain passed quickly and I was able to look after my son.
My greatest fear with this now is that the pain will grip me again when it is just the two of us at home. When it starts I’m incapacitated there is no way that I could even look after Jordan. I could delay the surgery and wait until he is a little older but then I run the risk of it hitting me when I least expect it.
Then there are my feelings about the whole surgery, I feel as though I’m abandoning my little boy, even if it will be for a few days…I’m riddled with guilt. I know that I would not be a good mother if I ignored this and didn’t have the surgery…
The evil demon visited again, during the early morning feed. But this time I made it a point to talk to Tim about what the bastard said:
“What if I die during surgery?....Oh that is ok, Tim will find someone else to be the mother of Jordan. Jordan won’t miss me…plus Tim’s mother is much “better” mother than I am and she will help him”.
Perhaps the evil demon is a sign of PND, I don’t know, but when I had that thought…I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel hurt, angry, upset, happy. I felt nothing, no remorse, no pain , no sorrow…nothing…nada…zip. If anything the lack of feeling scares me more than that thought.
After telling Tim I did feel better and something deep inside me made me go and check on Jordan…as I leaned over the cot to see if he was awake, his eyes open and in the small light produced by the little lamp next to his bed he recognised me…and smiled…and that brought me back…my demon bashing bat grew and I was able to fight the bastard off again…even if for a little while.
Since giving birth to Jordan I think that I’ve passed a number of stones, but the last time that it occurred I was in so much pain that I could not function. The other times…the pain passed quickly and I was able to look after my son.
My greatest fear with this now is that the pain will grip me again when it is just the two of us at home. When it starts I’m incapacitated there is no way that I could even look after Jordan. I could delay the surgery and wait until he is a little older but then I run the risk of it hitting me when I least expect it.
Then there are my feelings about the whole surgery, I feel as though I’m abandoning my little boy, even if it will be for a few days…I’m riddled with guilt. I know that I would not be a good mother if I ignored this and didn’t have the surgery…
The evil demon visited again, during the early morning feed. But this time I made it a point to talk to Tim about what the bastard said:
“What if I die during surgery?....Oh that is ok, Tim will find someone else to be the mother of Jordan. Jordan won’t miss me…plus Tim’s mother is much “better” mother than I am and she will help him”.
Perhaps the evil demon is a sign of PND, I don’t know, but when I had that thought…I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel hurt, angry, upset, happy. I felt nothing, no remorse, no pain , no sorrow…nothing…nada…zip. If anything the lack of feeling scares me more than that thought.
After telling Tim I did feel better and something deep inside me made me go and check on Jordan…as I leaned over the cot to see if he was awake, his eyes open and in the small light produced by the little lamp next to his bed he recognised me…and smiled…and that brought me back…my demon bashing bat grew and I was able to fight the bastard off again…even if for a little while.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Alternative Realities
Jordan had his 2 month immunisation injections today…I was so nervous, anxious and worried about the whole thing. 3 injections later in his thigh and much crying he is finally asleep.
On the way home from the Dr Surgery, having a screaming child in the car…my thoughts drifted to Star Trek – Voyager and the holographic doctor. More specifically the one instrument that was always present the hyper-spray. In that moment I wished for the utopia (or alternative) future where hyper-sprayers were readily used.
One little spssst sound and you would be all done, no jabbing, no bleeding and no screaming. Nothing can alleviate a mother’s worry and nervousness relating to immunisation…but…but what the hyper-spray would stop is the crack formed in a mother’s heart upon hearing their child scream in pain. Bring on the Star Trek future……even if we do not “boldly go where no man has gone before”, at least we could some of the gadgets.
****Update****
My poor little boy is suffering, he is in so much pain….every time he moves his legs there is a burst of pain….followed by a high pitch whimper, even in his sleep.
I’ve had to give him baby Panadol and I’ve held a cold face cloth against the needle wounds… I just hope that this will help him.
****2nd Update****
Well that seemed to have worked…he is now babbling away in his cot and smiling when I go to check up on him even kicking his legs around. What a relief it has taken me about 2 hours to write this post. In between I’ve had to help him poo (thanks Flick for the advice, massaging his botty seems to help), try to settle a screaming baby, try to feed him but resorted to giving him Panadol.
On the way home from the Dr Surgery, having a screaming child in the car…my thoughts drifted to Star Trek – Voyager and the holographic doctor. More specifically the one instrument that was always present the hyper-spray. In that moment I wished for the utopia (or alternative) future where hyper-sprayers were readily used.
One little spssst sound and you would be all done, no jabbing, no bleeding and no screaming. Nothing can alleviate a mother’s worry and nervousness relating to immunisation…but…but what the hyper-spray would stop is the crack formed in a mother’s heart upon hearing their child scream in pain. Bring on the Star Trek future……even if we do not “boldly go where no man has gone before”, at least we could some of the gadgets.
****Update****
My poor little boy is suffering, he is in so much pain….every time he moves his legs there is a burst of pain….followed by a high pitch whimper, even in his sleep.
I’ve had to give him baby Panadol and I’ve held a cold face cloth against the needle wounds… I just hope that this will help him.
****2nd Update****
Well that seemed to have worked…he is now babbling away in his cot and smiling when I go to check up on him even kicking his legs around. What a relief it has taken me about 2 hours to write this post. In between I’ve had to help him poo (thanks Flick for the advice, massaging his botty seems to help), try to settle a screaming baby, try to feed him but resorted to giving him Panadol.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Pain
I wake, I’m lying on my right side, I’m in pain.
I rollover onto my back but still I’m in pain.
I roll onto my left side, I’m in pain.
I look at the clock it is 5am…I’m in pain.
I stretch…some relief but it comes back and I’m in pain.
I get out of bed and walk around…no help I’m still in pain.
I drink Mylanta, still in pain.
I drink water, cordial, soda, milk…no still in pain.
It is getting worse and I’m still in pain.
I walk around in a circle rubbing my tummy, it helps for a little but I’m still in pain.
I sit on the couch, my right leg tucked under my left, I’m still in pain.
I my elbow rests on the couch and my body is scrunched over, I’m still in pain.
I throw up my dinner, still in pain.
I ride the porcelain bus 6 more times and still in pain.
I wash my mouth out, shower change and still in pain.
It has been 5 hours and still I’m in pain.
Tim rubs my back, whilst I’m scrunched over..it helps a little but I’m still in pain.
I try pain killers no help as I’m still in pain.
I eventually go to the Doctors just to be poked and prodded all the while in pain.
I have a blood test, ultrasound and still I’m in pain.
I passed a Gall Stone, and it seems that my Gall Bladder needs to be removed as it is full of stones.
The pain has moved, into my heart…my baby…my poor little baby…I need to have this surgery…will he remember me? Will he miss me? Will Tim be able to cope?
I rollover onto my back but still I’m in pain.
I roll onto my left side, I’m in pain.
I look at the clock it is 5am…I’m in pain.
I stretch…some relief but it comes back and I’m in pain.
I get out of bed and walk around…no help I’m still in pain.
I drink Mylanta, still in pain.
I drink water, cordial, soda, milk…no still in pain.
It is getting worse and I’m still in pain.
I walk around in a circle rubbing my tummy, it helps for a little but I’m still in pain.
I sit on the couch, my right leg tucked under my left, I’m still in pain.
I my elbow rests on the couch and my body is scrunched over, I’m still in pain.
I throw up my dinner, still in pain.
I ride the porcelain bus 6 more times and still in pain.
I wash my mouth out, shower change and still in pain.
It has been 5 hours and still I’m in pain.
Tim rubs my back, whilst I’m scrunched over..it helps a little but I’m still in pain.
I try pain killers no help as I’m still in pain.
I eventually go to the Doctors just to be poked and prodded all the while in pain.
I have a blood test, ultrasound and still I’m in pain.
I passed a Gall Stone, and it seems that my Gall Bladder needs to be removed as it is full of stones.
The pain has moved, into my heart…my baby…my poor little baby…I need to have this surgery…will he remember me? Will he miss me? Will Tim be able to cope?
Monday, October 16, 2006
2 Months
It doesn’t seem real that our little Jordan is two months old…here is an update (I copied this format from Nico..I hope that you don’t mind).
Growth check: At birth Jordan’s statistics were:
Weight = 2.72kg
Length = 51cm
At his 8 week check up his statistics are:
Weight = 4.4kg
Length = 56cm
Tummy-time: To start with Jordan hated tummy time…cried and cried, but I preserved and slowly introduced him to tummy time. He doesn’t mind it now, but as soon as he starts cracking it we stop the play. There was one day where he rolled over; yes rolled over…I know I know that it is too early. We had a rolled up towel under his arms and he lifted his hip and head and just rolled over. I think that I was more shocked and excited than we was…as he scared himself and started crying.
Focus: Jordan loves anything with lights; he sometimes just stares at the lights. He does follow me around the room and likes looking at the pictures in a book, if we have time to read to him.
Hearing: Jordan definitely knows my voice, if someone is holding him and I say something then he will turn his head towards me. He also recognises Tim’s voice. Jordan pulls the cutest face when he hears a new sound…he cocks his head from side to side with a stunned look on his face.
Smiles: We get a lot more smiles these days…just this morning I walked into his room and said good morning and was greeted with a cute smile and a gurgle. He will smile to anyone that is talking to him. But he reserves his cutest smiles for us.
Speech: Jordan loves to talk, right this minute he is in his cot, babbling away. He will talk to us and we will mimic him back but he prefers to be on his own and sing out aloud for the whole house to hear. The other morning I was woken up to loud babbling rather than crying…which in itself is a great achievement. The most active time his either straight after a feed or after a poo. He likes to sing and babble his praises of a job well done in soiling his nappy.
Feeding: As you all know I’ve struggled with feeding him, knowing when to increase his formula, but I think that we have finally doing ok. Jordan will go 5-6 hours at night and 3-4 hours during the day, between feeds. He is not throwing up as much and he settles right down after the feed. At night he drinks 180ml’s and during the day it is between 150-180ml’s. Eyes: I think that Jordan will have Tim’s eye colour, they have changed to a light blue and they appear to be getting lighter. I don’t know if they will stay this way.
Sleeping: We are lucky very lucky, Jordan has always slept really well at night. Last night he woke after 4 hours, I put the dummy in thinking that it might settle him for an hour or so but he slept another 3 hours….yes he went 7 hours between feeds last night… During the day he is not too bad, he seems to catnap a lot an hour here, then a little play then another hour there. There are still times where I will let him sleep on me, when I know he has not slept enough during the day.
Half the time I let him sleep on me; for my own comfort and not his. I love cuddling this little boy of ours and the most cherished times are when he is sleeping on me.
Crying: Jordan has developed some new cries, they are definitely new ones. We still have the hungry demanding, ear bleeding cries, we still have the tired half arsed one. The other morning I brought Jordan into our room and Tim sneezed whilst Jordan was snoozing, this was the first time we heard the scared…surprised cry. Tim was so upset, I caught him wiping his eyes after we had settled him again.
There is also the chin wobble cry…it starts with a chin wobble then a pouted mouth, moving onto a frown followed with a high pitch whine that moves onto a cry….this one always breaks our hearts as it means that he is sad, hurt or really upset. Not pissed off…the pissed of screech does not break our hearts. Oh and we now have tears…oh how I hate those tears…
I still sometimes ask Tim if this little boy is ours, and pinch myself all the time. It is hard for me to believe that Tim and I created this cute little boy. I feel blessed and honoured to have been given this dream. I cherish each and every day. I’m not that religious but as of late, I find myself thanking God for this little miracle known as my son.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Bath Tub
The following is a lesson on how to fill a baby’s bath tub with water. There are many ways this task can be competed and here are a few:
1) First you add the baby bath solution, I recommend the “Johnson’s baby bedtime bath”. Then you fill the water with one bucket of cold water and one bucket of hot. This will create the optimum temperature for the bath along with nice bubbles. Of course however you will not be able to wash the babies face as the water already contains the soap.
2) Another option is to first fill the bath tub with water, using the same method of one bucket cold water and the second bucket with hot water. By adding in the bath solution after the water is in the tub you will not have a nice bubble bath affect.
3) This is my preferred approach to filling in the bath tub, first I fill the bath tub with cold water and then I gradually add in the hot water all the while measuring the temperature. I prefer that my babies bath water be between 38°C and 40°C.
4) I have also been known to fill the bath tub by first working out the optimum temperature of the water and then running it into the bath.
I hope that you all enjoyed my little lesson on filling a bath tub with water, I’m sure that there are many different ways of completing this task.
But if anything this post just really illustrates how different parenting styles can differ between a husband and a wife, for example, when feeding I prefer to burp Jordan 3 times during a feed and this works for me. Tim waits until Jordan takes a break from the bottle to burp him.
Another example is if Jordan is unsettled I will let him cry for a little while, until he is very upset and then I simply go into his room, let him know Mummy loves him and give Jordan the dummy…and he falls to sleep. Tim prefers to let Jordan “cry it out” until he falls asleep. I can’t do that…it breaks my heart when Jordan has tears…I hate the tears.
Tim believes that I let Jordan get away with everything and that I’m over protective and I sometimes think that Tim is a little too harsh with Jordan.
1) First you add the baby bath solution, I recommend the “Johnson’s baby bedtime bath”. Then you fill the water with one bucket of cold water and one bucket of hot. This will create the optimum temperature for the bath along with nice bubbles. Of course however you will not be able to wash the babies face as the water already contains the soap.
2) Another option is to first fill the bath tub with water, using the same method of one bucket cold water and the second bucket with hot water. By adding in the bath solution after the water is in the tub you will not have a nice bubble bath affect.
3) This is my preferred approach to filling in the bath tub, first I fill the bath tub with cold water and then I gradually add in the hot water all the while measuring the temperature. I prefer that my babies bath water be between 38°C and 40°C.
4) I have also been known to fill the bath tub by first working out the optimum temperature of the water and then running it into the bath.
I hope that you all enjoyed my little lesson on filling a bath tub with water, I’m sure that there are many different ways of completing this task.
But if anything this post just really illustrates how different parenting styles can differ between a husband and a wife, for example, when feeding I prefer to burp Jordan 3 times during a feed and this works for me. Tim waits until Jordan takes a break from the bottle to burp him.
Another example is if Jordan is unsettled I will let him cry for a little while, until he is very upset and then I simply go into his room, let him know Mummy loves him and give Jordan the dummy…and he falls to sleep. Tim prefers to let Jordan “cry it out” until he falls asleep. I can’t do that…it breaks my heart when Jordan has tears…I hate the tears.
Tim believes that I let Jordan get away with everything and that I’m over protective and I sometimes think that Tim is a little too harsh with Jordan.
Confrontation
I had to do it, there was no avoiding it this time. It took a lot out of me to finally say “No more it is enough!”
My sister has been spending up big on JJ, even while pregnant we were receiving gifts constantly. Every time I saw her there was something new and while we appreciated each and every purchase it became a joke and I felt like there was an agenda behind the “presents”.
It turned out that there was an agenda. About 2 weeks before JJ was born my sister and Ellie came over for a visit and yet again she had another gift, I can’t remember what it was but we thanked her kindly and asked her to stop. The conversation turned to the Christening (of my yet unborn son), she was desperate to know the details…who would be coming, when we would hold the event, which church and where the lunch would be…and of course who would be the God Parents.
Tim and I had already decided that Ellie would be JJ’s God mother and his best friend would be the God Father. This did not go down well with my sister…she was itching to have the privilege…and I knew deep in my heart that this was the reason for all the gifts. This may sound harsh but wait there is more to the story.
The next day I received and phone call from my brother in law…saying “how dare I ask Ellie to be the God mother, as she is underage”. My family it seems believe that a request to be a Religious God mother automatically means that I’m asking people to be the Legal Guardian in case something happens.
My Brother in law then went onto say that my sister had noticed that all the gifts that we had received from them have been thrown away. It seems as though my sister was snooping around JJ’s room and because I had packed away a few things, she automatically assumed that I threw them away. Or…or..wait for this…she was stiring the pot as she was pissed that I hadn’t asked her to be JJ’s God mother.
In the hospital we received yet more gifts from my sister, this time Tim kindly but forcefully said “Thankyou …blah…we appreciate all the gifts, but please no more”. Tim and I worked out recently that she would’ve spent over $800 on JJ and we feel uncomfortable with the constant purchases.
So today she turned up with yet another plastic bag with her latest purchase for JJ. I refused to accept the gift, wouldn’t even look in the bag. She tried to force it into Tim’s hands but he too refused it. She then placed the bag into JJ’s room, where I removed it and gave it straight to Ellies hand, telling my sister that we had explained that whilst the thoughts and gifts were appreciated..we had asked her NOT to buy anything else. Her response was what is she going to do with the baby stuff. I replied that Ellie can take it back to the store for a refund and then she can purchase herself some thing.
I haven’t had to be a bitch like this towards my sister but it seems that since JJ has been born I’ve finally grown the balls to stick up for my convictions, and you know what….it felt good and I was really proud of myself.
My sister has been spending up big on JJ, even while pregnant we were receiving gifts constantly. Every time I saw her there was something new and while we appreciated each and every purchase it became a joke and I felt like there was an agenda behind the “presents”.
It turned out that there was an agenda. About 2 weeks before JJ was born my sister and Ellie came over for a visit and yet again she had another gift, I can’t remember what it was but we thanked her kindly and asked her to stop. The conversation turned to the Christening (of my yet unborn son), she was desperate to know the details…who would be coming, when we would hold the event, which church and where the lunch would be…and of course who would be the God Parents.
Tim and I had already decided that Ellie would be JJ’s God mother and his best friend would be the God Father. This did not go down well with my sister…she was itching to have the privilege…and I knew deep in my heart that this was the reason for all the gifts. This may sound harsh but wait there is more to the story.
The next day I received and phone call from my brother in law…saying “how dare I ask Ellie to be the God mother, as she is underage”. My family it seems believe that a request to be a Religious God mother automatically means that I’m asking people to be the Legal Guardian in case something happens.
My Brother in law then went onto say that my sister had noticed that all the gifts that we had received from them have been thrown away. It seems as though my sister was snooping around JJ’s room and because I had packed away a few things, she automatically assumed that I threw them away. Or…or..wait for this…she was stiring the pot as she was pissed that I hadn’t asked her to be JJ’s God mother.
In the hospital we received yet more gifts from my sister, this time Tim kindly but forcefully said “Thankyou …blah…we appreciate all the gifts, but please no more”. Tim and I worked out recently that she would’ve spent over $800 on JJ and we feel uncomfortable with the constant purchases.
So today she turned up with yet another plastic bag with her latest purchase for JJ. I refused to accept the gift, wouldn’t even look in the bag. She tried to force it into Tim’s hands but he too refused it. She then placed the bag into JJ’s room, where I removed it and gave it straight to Ellies hand, telling my sister that we had explained that whilst the thoughts and gifts were appreciated..we had asked her NOT to buy anything else. Her response was what is she going to do with the baby stuff. I replied that Ellie can take it back to the store for a refund and then she can purchase herself some thing.
I haven’t had to be a bitch like this towards my sister but it seems that since JJ has been born I’ve finally grown the balls to stick up for my convictions, and you know what….it felt good and I was really proud of myself.
Monday, September 25, 2006
6 Weeks
Jordan will be 6 weeks old tomorrow and I can’t imagine where the time has gone! Do I feel like a mother…no not really..but then what is a mother meant to feel like. Do I feel like Jordan and I have bonded? Yes, I’m lucky as I have a photo of the exact moment when I fell in love with my little boy..it is this one…he is a few hours old and it was the first time he looked at me.
The last day or so I have found myself kind of grieving…yes grieving…my little boy is growing so fast, his cheeks are nice and chubby and I’ve noticed that his clothes are getting a bit too small for him…he is currently still in size 0000, while some are still big there are a few jumpsuits (rompers) that I will have to pack away in the next week or so. The prospect of packing away his tiny little clothes is what is making me grieve, I want to cherish this time and remember how tiny he is.
Yet..and yet there is a part of me that is excited to have him grow and I also long for the day where he is sitting and can play a little more. Or finish a story book, currently I can only read a few pages until he gets bored and falls asleep or he starts fretting.
I’ve been kind of MIA over the last few weeks because I’ve been trying to introduce a routine…one dictated by me and not Jordan. There are some good days and bad days.
I tried the “demand and supply” routine with the feeds and Jordan was all over the place, drinking 150ml’s at one point then two hours later drinking only 50 ml’s. So I decided to try and stretch Jordan out to 4 hourly breaks between each feed, then offering him 150ml’s. It works sometimes and other times he demands a feed after 3.5 hours but will drink the lot. So we compromise.
I want to share some of the lessons that I have learnt over the last 6 weeks, they are not world changing but they may help someone else in a similar situation.
The most important lesson I have learnt is to follow my instinct…my gut instinct. After the Health Care Nurse suggested we change formula’s to a ‘Gold’ version I noticed that Jordan was a times very unsettled. He seemed to be in pain. I asked her a few times if we should change formula’s but she didn’t advise it as he was happily putting on weight.
Last week I decided to change to one that is advertised to be easier to digest and after 2 days I have a much happier Jordan. I was granted my first real smile this morning. He no longer wakes up screaming with his knees to his chest in pain and he no longer cries when I’m feeding him. But I feel so guilty that I didn’t follow my gut instinct before now.
The next lesson I have learnt is that if I need to sit down and hold my child while he sleeps then that is what I need to do and I’m not spoiling him nor ruining him by letting Jordan sleep on my lap cradled in my arms.
Persisting with the bath routine at “bed time” has paid off big time…after Jordan goes to sleep at the end of the day he has a good 5 to 5.5 hour break between feeds. I believe that it has everything to do with the bath lotion we use, massage, routine, songs and the clothes he wears to bed.
I also need to admit something, lay it out for the whole web to read. My son has me firmly wrapped around his little finger. He cries for a little bit and I go and check up on him. I have had to resort to letting him “cry it out” but I hate it and I don’t last as long as Tim does. But if Jordan gives me a little smile or reacts to my voice in anyway (like he did just now) then I’m willing to lay down anything at his feet…
The last day or so I have found myself kind of grieving…yes grieving…my little boy is growing so fast, his cheeks are nice and chubby and I’ve noticed that his clothes are getting a bit too small for him…he is currently still in size 0000, while some are still big there are a few jumpsuits (rompers) that I will have to pack away in the next week or so. The prospect of packing away his tiny little clothes is what is making me grieve, I want to cherish this time and remember how tiny he is.
Yet..and yet there is a part of me that is excited to have him grow and I also long for the day where he is sitting and can play a little more. Or finish a story book, currently I can only read a few pages until he gets bored and falls asleep or he starts fretting.
I’ve been kind of MIA over the last few weeks because I’ve been trying to introduce a routine…one dictated by me and not Jordan. There are some good days and bad days.
I tried the “demand and supply” routine with the feeds and Jordan was all over the place, drinking 150ml’s at one point then two hours later drinking only 50 ml’s. So I decided to try and stretch Jordan out to 4 hourly breaks between each feed, then offering him 150ml’s. It works sometimes and other times he demands a feed after 3.5 hours but will drink the lot. So we compromise.
I want to share some of the lessons that I have learnt over the last 6 weeks, they are not world changing but they may help someone else in a similar situation.
The most important lesson I have learnt is to follow my instinct…my gut instinct. After the Health Care Nurse suggested we change formula’s to a ‘Gold’ version I noticed that Jordan was a times very unsettled. He seemed to be in pain. I asked her a few times if we should change formula’s but she didn’t advise it as he was happily putting on weight.
Last week I decided to change to one that is advertised to be easier to digest and after 2 days I have a much happier Jordan. I was granted my first real smile this morning. He no longer wakes up screaming with his knees to his chest in pain and he no longer cries when I’m feeding him. But I feel so guilty that I didn’t follow my gut instinct before now.
The next lesson I have learnt is that if I need to sit down and hold my child while he sleeps then that is what I need to do and I’m not spoiling him nor ruining him by letting Jordan sleep on my lap cradled in my arms.
Persisting with the bath routine at “bed time” has paid off big time…after Jordan goes to sleep at the end of the day he has a good 5 to 5.5 hour break between feeds. I believe that it has everything to do with the bath lotion we use, massage, routine, songs and the clothes he wears to bed.
I also need to admit something, lay it out for the whole web to read. My son has me firmly wrapped around his little finger. He cries for a little bit and I go and check up on him. I have had to resort to letting him “cry it out” but I hate it and I don’t last as long as Tim does. But if Jordan gives me a little smile or reacts to my voice in anyway (like he did just now) then I’m willing to lay down anything at his feet…
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Intentions
When I first started this blog the intention was for me to work through all my infertility crap, a way to help deal with the emtional rollercoaster. The intention was to also show this blog to my child one day..for him / her to read and understand our journey to become parents.
I'm trying not change this blog into a "baby news" blog, but honestly it is hard not to. I can't really write about infertility and the injustice of it now, as I'm so far removed from trying for a baby it is not funny. I can't talk about the treatments, the blood test results and try to analyse the numbers and what they mean.
Jordan takes up so much of my thoughts these days and I have posts rattling around my head but am concious about posting them as I don't want to drive readers away because all I can talk about is him....I mean how can I not talk about him...he is so very beautiful!
I'm trying not change this blog into a "baby news" blog, but honestly it is hard not to. I can't really write about infertility and the injustice of it now, as I'm so far removed from trying for a baby it is not funny. I can't talk about the treatments, the blood test results and try to analyse the numbers and what they mean.
Jordan takes up so much of my thoughts these days and I have posts rattling around my head but am concious about posting them as I don't want to drive readers away because all I can talk about is him....I mean how can I not talk about him...he is so very beautiful!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Could it be??
On my last visit with the Health Care nurse I was asked if I was still bleeding. I mentioned to her that it seemed to have gone away but has come back and I had assumed that it was still related to the birth / pregnancy.
But then she mentioned that it most likely be my period…needless to say I burst out in fits of laughter…my period…your kidding right? She was shocked with my out burst and yet again I had to explain my infertility status…of PCOS and irregular periods.
Perhaps your body will be different after the birth was her response…yeah unlikely to happen unless my ovaries have decided not to have cyst and unless my body has decided to handle all the hormone correctly.
But part of me has to wonder…could I really have my period…could my body be working correctly…a period without the use of fertility meds to bring it on…sound unnatural to me…
But then she mentioned that it most likely be my period…needless to say I burst out in fits of laughter…my period…your kidding right? She was shocked with my out burst and yet again I had to explain my infertility status…of PCOS and irregular periods.
Perhaps your body will be different after the birth was her response…yeah unlikely to happen unless my ovaries have decided not to have cyst and unless my body has decided to handle all the hormone correctly.
But part of me has to wonder…could I really have my period…could my body be working correctly…a period without the use of fertility meds to bring it on…sound unnatural to me…
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The Many faces of JJ
This one is a goo / gah face!
We call this one the Pop-eye face...he always makes this face when he is searching for the bottle with his mouth...
This is the pissed off face! So cute! JJ new trick is when holding him and he is pissed off, he arches his back and throws his head back and screams and screams...while mumy kisses his face!!
This is part action shot the tongue is going in and out and he is pretending to suck a bottle
Monday, September 11, 2006
Birth Announcement and Thankyou Card
I created this Birth Announcement and Thank you Card...let me know what you think!
This is also for all my blog friends..Thank you for being here in blog land when I needed you, Thank you sticking with me when I sometimes don't comment on your blog, thank you for welcoming my son into this world!
This is also for all my blog friends..Thank you for being here in blog land when I needed you, Thank you sticking with me when I sometimes don't comment on your blog, thank you for welcoming my son into this world!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Stopping Time
I wish that I could just stop time and let me enjoy my tiny little boy…for just a little while, I’m not ready to look towards the future and make decisions about things. I want to cherish this time that I have, I know that I will need to make these decisions but I just want to be selfish and not think about them.
The Health Care Nurse left us with an enrolment form for Preschool, yes Preschool…Jordan was just 2 weeks old when we got this form. I have not even had a chance to look around our area as to where the Child Care Centres are…for when I return to work next year…let alone looking for a Preschool.
I understand that we live in Melbournes largest growth area…this is why we love living here, so many kids, so many new schools, children’s activities. But come on at 2 weeks old I need to give my top 3 preferences for preschool…now…Well I haven’t and I won’t until I feel fit enough to drive and check some of these places out.
Then there are the conversations about JJ Christening, when, where, who and how. Again I know that I need to make these decisions but would like sometime to 1) Heal physically from major surgery and 2) Cherish my little boy and 3) Get his feeding under control….or worked out.
I had to kindly tell a number of people to back off with the Christening plans. I also have a sneaking suspicions that the day of the Christening will be a disaster…it has already caused fights…My sis wants to be the God mother…I think that she almost expects it after all the ‘gifts’ (read bribes) that she has bought JJ. But Tim and I had decided long ago who would be the God parents to our child…before I was pregnant we knew.
My mother suggested I have the event in the hall near the church…but Tim and I want to hold it here and we didn’t want to make a big deal of the event…I mean JJ will not remember the day and it is a religious event rather than a huge party…But there are family / friend expectations..which Tim and I are fighting against.
The Health Care Nurse left us with an enrolment form for Preschool, yes Preschool…Jordan was just 2 weeks old when we got this form. I have not even had a chance to look around our area as to where the Child Care Centres are…for when I return to work next year…let alone looking for a Preschool.
I understand that we live in Melbournes largest growth area…this is why we love living here, so many kids, so many new schools, children’s activities. But come on at 2 weeks old I need to give my top 3 preferences for preschool…now…Well I haven’t and I won’t until I feel fit enough to drive and check some of these places out.
Then there are the conversations about JJ Christening, when, where, who and how. Again I know that I need to make these decisions but would like sometime to 1) Heal physically from major surgery and 2) Cherish my little boy and 3) Get his feeding under control….or worked out.
I had to kindly tell a number of people to back off with the Christening plans. I also have a sneaking suspicions that the day of the Christening will be a disaster…it has already caused fights…My sis wants to be the God mother…I think that she almost expects it after all the ‘gifts’ (read bribes) that she has bought JJ. But Tim and I had decided long ago who would be the God parents to our child…before I was pregnant we knew.
My mother suggested I have the event in the hall near the church…but Tim and I want to hold it here and we didn’t want to make a big deal of the event…I mean JJ will not remember the day and it is a religious event rather than a huge party…But there are family / friend expectations..which Tim and I are fighting against.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Out the window
Coping?... Did I say that I was coping ok??? Well I'm happy to eat those words.
Let me paint the picture, again here I sit tapping at the keys on the keyboard one handed as JJ is in my arms. He was meant to feed at 5:30pm... and we managed 50 ml's before he started chocking and rejecting the bottle. Nappy change later...still not interested in our food.
He is now gooing and gahing away, at the sametime doing his head and neck exercises. It has really been a trying day and I'm questioning everything that we are doing ...are we playing with him too long...how the hell do I get him to sleep....but he is so cute...we have new facial expressions today and dare I say a small smile.
Ok now I'm going to try a bath....wish me luck!!
Let me paint the picture, again here I sit tapping at the keys on the keyboard one handed as JJ is in my arms. He was meant to feed at 5:30pm... and we managed 50 ml's before he started chocking and rejecting the bottle. Nappy change later...still not interested in our food.
He is now gooing and gahing away, at the sametime doing his head and neck exercises. It has really been a trying day and I'm questioning everything that we are doing ...are we playing with him too long...how the hell do I get him to sleep....but he is so cute...we have new facial expressions today and dare I say a small smile.
Ok now I'm going to try a bath....wish me luck!!
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Tailored just for JJ
As a new mum you receive many different suggestions and advice from many different sources and it is difficult to work out which one is best for your child….actually difficult is too soft a word…how about strenuous, tiring, challenging and frustrating.
So I thought that if there are any new mum’s reading my blog that I would share JJ’s take on some of the advice….
Swaddling or wrapping
I was told in the hospital the wrap JJ’s arm in tight and swaddle him before putting him down to sleep. This worked all of three times until I realised that JJ loves having his hands out as he is constantly touching his face. So then I was shown how to wrap him with his arms out….again this was short lived as my little man loves to kick about and move around…hence why he was so active inside me.
So if you are told to swaddle or wrap your baby and you find that they are not so settled it could be because they like to move around…mine does and the first time I didn’t wrap him at all we had a 4 hour sleep at night….yes we went 4 hours.
Bathing
It is often said to be able to relax your child give them and nice warm soothing bath…..but this will not work if your child is hungry and this is the reason why they are unsettled.
Bath time continues to be an exercise that we have no real routine…we can’t seem to work out the ‘best’ time for a bath. JJ loves being in the water but the screaming before and after beats the whole purpose of the bath which is to relax him. JJ is currently being bathed every second day and the time of day differs…but I’m sure that it will all fall into place now and then.
Settling your baby with your hand on his chest.
My little son loves to be held and the best way I know how to settle him when he has cracked the shits…over a wet/dirty nappy or spewage or general shittiness, is to simply pick him up cradle him on my chest and pat his bum until he relaxes…no amount or tummy rubbing or holding his chest helps. He likes to be cuddled and this is just fine with me.
Dark room during the day
This was a suggestion from the Health Care Nurse, it makes no difference for our little boy. During the day the curtains could be flapping in the wind, shut or open…JJ really does not care. We do have the radio going from morning until about 5-6pm…the radio really does nothing either he would sleep with it off or on during the day, but we wanted to help him distinguish between day and night.
Times between feeds
This is something we all still struggle with, I don’t know why the ‘professionals’ tell you not to let your baby go longer than 4 hours between feeds during the day…but they do…and I hate waking him up…just for this rule.
When learning to breast feed you are told that the whole feeding thing is ‘demand and supply’…they demand and you supply. So why is it ok for a baby to go 3 hours between feeds yet if they wake up looking for another feed after 2 hours it is not ok….I just don’t get it and I hate making him wait for another feed if he is hungry…the screaming at times breaks my heart.
Most recently we have decided to stuff the ‘professionals and experts’ and go with the ‘demand and supply’ routine and with this decision we have a child that mostly feeds every 3 hours, sometimes 2.5 hours and sometimes 4 hours between feeds. JJ is now on 100ml’s of new formula and has 8 bottles a day.
So I thought that if there are any new mum’s reading my blog that I would share JJ’s take on some of the advice….
Swaddling or wrapping
I was told in the hospital the wrap JJ’s arm in tight and swaddle him before putting him down to sleep. This worked all of three times until I realised that JJ loves having his hands out as he is constantly touching his face. So then I was shown how to wrap him with his arms out….again this was short lived as my little man loves to kick about and move around…hence why he was so active inside me.
So if you are told to swaddle or wrap your baby and you find that they are not so settled it could be because they like to move around…mine does and the first time I didn’t wrap him at all we had a 4 hour sleep at night….yes we went 4 hours.
Bathing
It is often said to be able to relax your child give them and nice warm soothing bath…..but this will not work if your child is hungry and this is the reason why they are unsettled.
Bath time continues to be an exercise that we have no real routine…we can’t seem to work out the ‘best’ time for a bath. JJ loves being in the water but the screaming before and after beats the whole purpose of the bath which is to relax him. JJ is currently being bathed every second day and the time of day differs…but I’m sure that it will all fall into place now and then.
Settling your baby with your hand on his chest.
My little son loves to be held and the best way I know how to settle him when he has cracked the shits…over a wet/dirty nappy or spewage or general shittiness, is to simply pick him up cradle him on my chest and pat his bum until he relaxes…no amount or tummy rubbing or holding his chest helps. He likes to be cuddled and this is just fine with me.
Dark room during the day
This was a suggestion from the Health Care Nurse, it makes no difference for our little boy. During the day the curtains could be flapping in the wind, shut or open…JJ really does not care. We do have the radio going from morning until about 5-6pm…the radio really does nothing either he would sleep with it off or on during the day, but we wanted to help him distinguish between day and night.
Times between feeds
This is something we all still struggle with, I don’t know why the ‘professionals’ tell you not to let your baby go longer than 4 hours between feeds during the day…but they do…and I hate waking him up…just for this rule.
When learning to breast feed you are told that the whole feeding thing is ‘demand and supply’…they demand and you supply. So why is it ok for a baby to go 3 hours between feeds yet if they wake up looking for another feed after 2 hours it is not ok….I just don’t get it and I hate making him wait for another feed if he is hungry…the screaming at times breaks my heart.
Most recently we have decided to stuff the ‘professionals and experts’ and go with the ‘demand and supply’ routine and with this decision we have a child that mostly feeds every 3 hours, sometimes 2.5 hours and sometimes 4 hours between feeds. JJ is now on 100ml’s of new formula and has 8 bottles a day.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Not too bad...but not all that good
After a bad night...I find myself sitting here blogging with a sleeping baby in my arms....trying to keep him asleep until his next feed....why did I never think that the soothing sounds of a PC running would help settle JJ...after all he did hear the tapping off the key board and the humming of the PC fan for 9 months.....or is this just a sign that my son will be a geek...like his parents??
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Lessons Learnt
I’ve got so much to say about this whole experience that I find myself typing when ever JJ is asleep. There are a few things that we have learnt since being at home that I don’t want to forget.
Advice…
The best advice that I’ve received so far was from Em…(thank you, you will never know how much it has helped). Em suggested that each morning I get dressed and do my hair and look after myself. By doing this small task, I at least face the day as a human and not some slob. So I no longer waste the day in my PJ’s and I don’t feel the need to do so.
The worst advice we have received was from a Midwife and the Health Care nurse, they both told us not to hold JJ whilst he is sleeping and we don’t often, but there are times when I don’t want to put him down and I just cuddle him until he wakes up. I don’t think at this stage of his life I’m spoiling him by holding and cuddling him.
Down sides
Lack of sleep and working out whether or not he is receiving enough food and trying to get into a routine. Going by the statistics based on JJ’s weight, he should only be eating 56ml’s of formula per feed. We have noticed that this is not enough to sustain him and he is hungry again either straight away or after a short nap. So we increased his feed to 60ml’s we had a satisfied baby for a feed, then we decided to try 70ml’s after sucking the bottle dry and trying to suck more. Tim suggested we offer him 100ml’s and see what he drinks, and he drank 80ml’s.
The Health Care nurse did suggest that we change formula’s as the one we are using does not have a lot of calories and JJ has not really put on weight, since being at home. With the 80ml feeds we now have a baby that sleeps 3 to 3.5 hours in-between and a much happier baby. But this increase in amount of formula weighs on my mind and I can’t help but worry about the reason for why he needs so much more than what is recommended for his weight.
Up sides
His play time, we are hearing more little noises and seeing JJ trying to mimic our facial expressions is just priceless.
Overall..
This whole experience….if anything….has brought Tim and I much closer, we have both surprised each other with how we are coping with everything and there are times where we both feel that we are not coping at all. But then Tim will surprises me by getting up in the middle of the night changes, feeds and resettles JJ without even waking me.
One thing that I still have to learn….and this lesson will be very hard…that is not to be such a baby hog….I have to back off and let Tim have some quality time with his son and not just take over.
Advice…
The best advice that I’ve received so far was from Em…(thank you, you will never know how much it has helped). Em suggested that each morning I get dressed and do my hair and look after myself. By doing this small task, I at least face the day as a human and not some slob. So I no longer waste the day in my PJ’s and I don’t feel the need to do so.
The worst advice we have received was from a Midwife and the Health Care nurse, they both told us not to hold JJ whilst he is sleeping and we don’t often, but there are times when I don’t want to put him down and I just cuddle him until he wakes up. I don’t think at this stage of his life I’m spoiling him by holding and cuddling him.
Down sides
Lack of sleep and working out whether or not he is receiving enough food and trying to get into a routine. Going by the statistics based on JJ’s weight, he should only be eating 56ml’s of formula per feed. We have noticed that this is not enough to sustain him and he is hungry again either straight away or after a short nap. So we increased his feed to 60ml’s we had a satisfied baby for a feed, then we decided to try 70ml’s after sucking the bottle dry and trying to suck more. Tim suggested we offer him 100ml’s and see what he drinks, and he drank 80ml’s.
The Health Care nurse did suggest that we change formula’s as the one we are using does not have a lot of calories and JJ has not really put on weight, since being at home. With the 80ml feeds we now have a baby that sleeps 3 to 3.5 hours in-between and a much happier baby. But this increase in amount of formula weighs on my mind and I can’t help but worry about the reason for why he needs so much more than what is recommended for his weight.
Up sides
His play time, we are hearing more little noises and seeing JJ trying to mimic our facial expressions is just priceless.
Overall..
This whole experience….if anything….has brought Tim and I much closer, we have both surprised each other with how we are coping with everything and there are times where we both feel that we are not coping at all. But then Tim will surprises me by getting up in the middle of the night changes, feeds and resettles JJ without even waking me.
One thing that I still have to learn….and this lesson will be very hard…that is not to be such a baby hog….I have to back off and let Tim have some quality time with his son and not just take over.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Hospital Stay
Day 1 (Tuesday)
There is not much that I can really remember of the first day. What I do remember is Tim saying that he was going home to get some sleep and that he would be back in the afternoon, but then he turns up after breakfast and a shower. Then next thing I remember is seeing Tim just cuddling JJ. I was naturally dozing throughout the whole morning and afternoon.
We did have a number of visitors that day and I was grateful for all the gifts we received, what I was really grateful for was my husband with me the whole day.
The catheter was removed that night and I was able to get up and move around, I know only 12 hours after surgery I was up and moving with a lot of pain but I did it.
That night JJ stayed with me and we had a few goes on the breast and a few nappy changes, but I don’t remember too much of that night.
Day 2 (Wednesday)
First shower on my own….boy there is nothing like having a shower to make you feel more normal. This was the first day where I distinctly remember falling in love with my new little man. It was after a feed and he was all dopey eyed looking at my face…it was the first time I clearly saw his beautiful blue eyes.
I could not believe that he was mine and that we had created him. It was also the day that the drain tube was removed, I hated carrying that thing around with me.
The breast feeding thing was not going too well, but slowly we were both learning how to deal with each other. Thank God for the night time midwifes at one stage A checked up on me (A was the lady who hosted the breastfeeding class and I felt that I already ‘knew’ her), and asked how I was going. I remember telling her that I was sick of breast feeding, as at that point JJ was on my left breast for almost an hour without settling. She convinced me to offer JJ my finger for him to suck on and pat his bum in the rhythm of a heart beat.
After half an hour, nothing too much had changed and she then convinced me to trust her with my baby and leave him with her whilst I slept. God bless A for this as I was able to sleep for 4 hours straight and my baby was very well looked after.
Day 3 (Thursday)
This was the first day I wore ‘normal’ clothes and received a room mate for the morning. In the afternoon I was moved to a private room with a double bed, the room was more like hotel room than a hospital room.
It was a day that I was a little worried about, the third day blues and my breast milk coming in…or as it was supposed to. But it was a walk in the park no baby blues and no milk. At this point I was a little worried and my JJ was very yellow…a slight case of jaundice.
It was a day full of stress though, a visit from my in laws saw me telling my MIL to back off and leave my milk supply (or lack there of) alone. JJ at this point had decided to crack it big time and I was struggling to attach him with my MIL and FIL (yes breast hanging out and my FIL is in the room with my boy screaming his head off) in the room.
A visit from the Pediatric Doctor to confirm that JJ did have a slight case of jaundice and that my milk supply may not be helping him. It was prescribed that I breast feed him 15 minutes on each breast then ‘top him up’ with 20ml’s of formula then I was to go onto the breast pump to express. I was to do this every three hours.
It was torture, it was horrendous and it was down right devastating doing this every three hours. I was not able to express more than a tea spoon from both breasts combined….yes that’s right a tea spoon.
That night JJ was again taken away from me to the nursery where in between a feed he was given an extra 30ml’s of formula because he was screaming.
Day 4 (Friday)
With more sleep I woke in the morning full of confidence that all my efforts would help me breast feed and bring on my milk supply. All the midwives were convinced that it would come in. I did get used to all the strange women poking my breasts to feel if they were harder…but no nothing different.
Feeding every three hours did take it’s toll on me and I was so grateful for Tim being there in the afternoon to help…the pump kept on getting worse and the ‘top up’s’ kept on getting larger in volume.
The jaundice test result showed that JJ was not getting better and this was the third day where his poor little heel was pricked for the blood test. A complication with my private health insurance determined that JJ was not covered and to have JJ put under the UV light he would need to be admitted into the hospital as a patient….and I would possibly out of pocket…the Pediatrician determined not to admit him due to the insurance complication.
I was a mess that day, blubbering on the phone to the insurance company begging them to try to fix the problem….in the end it was resolved but it was too late to have JJ put under the UV light.
This was the day I felt like a failure as a mother, my milk was not in and I really wanted to give up on the whole breast feeding thing. But the midwives convinced me to preserver….so I did and finally worked out a position where the attachment didn’t hurt.
Day 5 (Saturday)
A whole day with Tim there to support me with looking after JJ. Tim was worked Wednesday to Friday, so I only really had his help in the evenings, this was the situation as Tim had only just started working with the company.
Not much really happened this day that is of note…although I was stressing about the whole feeding situation and I hated waking JJ up every three hours to feed, it wore on both of us.
I can’t remember which day it was but I did feel and over whelming feeling of guilt. Yes guilt, I could not get over the fact that I was a little disappointed that JJ was a boy…I don’t think that I can bring myself to forgive that disappointment…here was this precious little boy that was so tiny and small and Tim and I had created…how could I have been anyway disappointed.
That night I was caught sobbing over my child whilst ‘topping him up’ the midwife A was on again and she caught me having a mushy moment…The over whelming love I felt for this child blew me away…it continues to do so…
Most afternoon’s you can catch me sitting next to him whilst he is sleeping and I will be sobbing….just because I love this child so much.
Day 6 (Sunday)
I was woken but a Midwife that took a while to get to know…she said something that got me thinking…she mentioned that my hormone levels would change in the next few days and that my milk would most likely come in then. First thing that I thought was “Since when does my body ever deal with hormones properly”.
A very long discussion started and I mentioned my medical history of PCOS and fertility treatment to conceive JJ. The room became very quiet and you heard they giant penny drop. Midwife (M) jumps up and screams hallelujah. …well not really but with PCOS there is a potential of difficulties with breast feeding and by this stage JJ was being topped up with 50ml’s of formula after being on the both breast for half an hour.
The relief was instantaneous…there was a medical reason why I could not sustain my son. I was not a ‘failure’ as a mother, I was encouraged to continue with breast feeding and topping him up, but I secretly stopped putting JJ on my breasts that day.
It was the first day where I enjoyed feeding my baby and it was also the first day that I had a ‘happy’ baby who slept properly and we loved being together. It was also my last full day in the hospital.
Day 7 (Monday)
Home day and relief day…I was looking forward to starting my life at home with my new little family. It took us longer to leave the hospital than we wanted to but in the end we arrived home.
All in all I suppose I’m painting my hospital stay as a bit grim but honestly it was not as bad as I’ve made out. The whole breast feeding thing now over shadows my stay and I do not feel at all disappointed with giving up the breast. It was not getting us anywhere, JJ and I were both unhappy with the situation. I also know that I gave it my best shot and till this day I have not been able to express more than a tea spoon, before or after a feed.
The midwives at this hospital are a very special bunch and I’m grateful for all the support and help that was provided, after being away and home now for 6 days, I should’ve taken advantage of their support more, but I hated not having JJ with me.
There is not much that I can really remember of the first day. What I do remember is Tim saying that he was going home to get some sleep and that he would be back in the afternoon, but then he turns up after breakfast and a shower. Then next thing I remember is seeing Tim just cuddling JJ. I was naturally dozing throughout the whole morning and afternoon.
We did have a number of visitors that day and I was grateful for all the gifts we received, what I was really grateful for was my husband with me the whole day.
The catheter was removed that night and I was able to get up and move around, I know only 12 hours after surgery I was up and moving with a lot of pain but I did it.
That night JJ stayed with me and we had a few goes on the breast and a few nappy changes, but I don’t remember too much of that night.
Day 2 (Wednesday)
First shower on my own….boy there is nothing like having a shower to make you feel more normal. This was the first day where I distinctly remember falling in love with my new little man. It was after a feed and he was all dopey eyed looking at my face…it was the first time I clearly saw his beautiful blue eyes.
I could not believe that he was mine and that we had created him. It was also the day that the drain tube was removed, I hated carrying that thing around with me.
The breast feeding thing was not going too well, but slowly we were both learning how to deal with each other. Thank God for the night time midwifes at one stage A checked up on me (A was the lady who hosted the breastfeeding class and I felt that I already ‘knew’ her), and asked how I was going. I remember telling her that I was sick of breast feeding, as at that point JJ was on my left breast for almost an hour without settling. She convinced me to offer JJ my finger for him to suck on and pat his bum in the rhythm of a heart beat.
After half an hour, nothing too much had changed and she then convinced me to trust her with my baby and leave him with her whilst I slept. God bless A for this as I was able to sleep for 4 hours straight and my baby was very well looked after.
Day 3 (Thursday)
This was the first day I wore ‘normal’ clothes and received a room mate for the morning. In the afternoon I was moved to a private room with a double bed, the room was more like hotel room than a hospital room.
It was a day that I was a little worried about, the third day blues and my breast milk coming in…or as it was supposed to. But it was a walk in the park no baby blues and no milk. At this point I was a little worried and my JJ was very yellow…a slight case of jaundice.
It was a day full of stress though, a visit from my in laws saw me telling my MIL to back off and leave my milk supply (or lack there of) alone. JJ at this point had decided to crack it big time and I was struggling to attach him with my MIL and FIL (yes breast hanging out and my FIL is in the room with my boy screaming his head off) in the room.
A visit from the Pediatric Doctor to confirm that JJ did have a slight case of jaundice and that my milk supply may not be helping him. It was prescribed that I breast feed him 15 minutes on each breast then ‘top him up’ with 20ml’s of formula then I was to go onto the breast pump to express. I was to do this every three hours.
It was torture, it was horrendous and it was down right devastating doing this every three hours. I was not able to express more than a tea spoon from both breasts combined….yes that’s right a tea spoon.
That night JJ was again taken away from me to the nursery where in between a feed he was given an extra 30ml’s of formula because he was screaming.
Day 4 (Friday)
With more sleep I woke in the morning full of confidence that all my efforts would help me breast feed and bring on my milk supply. All the midwives were convinced that it would come in. I did get used to all the strange women poking my breasts to feel if they were harder…but no nothing different.
Feeding every three hours did take it’s toll on me and I was so grateful for Tim being there in the afternoon to help…the pump kept on getting worse and the ‘top up’s’ kept on getting larger in volume.
The jaundice test result showed that JJ was not getting better and this was the third day where his poor little heel was pricked for the blood test. A complication with my private health insurance determined that JJ was not covered and to have JJ put under the UV light he would need to be admitted into the hospital as a patient….and I would possibly out of pocket…the Pediatrician determined not to admit him due to the insurance complication.
I was a mess that day, blubbering on the phone to the insurance company begging them to try to fix the problem….in the end it was resolved but it was too late to have JJ put under the UV light.
This was the day I felt like a failure as a mother, my milk was not in and I really wanted to give up on the whole breast feeding thing. But the midwives convinced me to preserver….so I did and finally worked out a position where the attachment didn’t hurt.
Day 5 (Saturday)
A whole day with Tim there to support me with looking after JJ. Tim was worked Wednesday to Friday, so I only really had his help in the evenings, this was the situation as Tim had only just started working with the company.
Not much really happened this day that is of note…although I was stressing about the whole feeding situation and I hated waking JJ up every three hours to feed, it wore on both of us.
I can’t remember which day it was but I did feel and over whelming feeling of guilt. Yes guilt, I could not get over the fact that I was a little disappointed that JJ was a boy…I don’t think that I can bring myself to forgive that disappointment…here was this precious little boy that was so tiny and small and Tim and I had created…how could I have been anyway disappointed.
That night I was caught sobbing over my child whilst ‘topping him up’ the midwife A was on again and she caught me having a mushy moment…The over whelming love I felt for this child blew me away…it continues to do so…
Most afternoon’s you can catch me sitting next to him whilst he is sleeping and I will be sobbing….just because I love this child so much.
Day 6 (Sunday)
I was woken but a Midwife that took a while to get to know…she said something that got me thinking…she mentioned that my hormone levels would change in the next few days and that my milk would most likely come in then. First thing that I thought was “Since when does my body ever deal with hormones properly”.
A very long discussion started and I mentioned my medical history of PCOS and fertility treatment to conceive JJ. The room became very quiet and you heard they giant penny drop. Midwife (M) jumps up and screams hallelujah. …well not really but with PCOS there is a potential of difficulties with breast feeding and by this stage JJ was being topped up with 50ml’s of formula after being on the both breast for half an hour.
The relief was instantaneous…there was a medical reason why I could not sustain my son. I was not a ‘failure’ as a mother, I was encouraged to continue with breast feeding and topping him up, but I secretly stopped putting JJ on my breasts that day.
It was the first day where I enjoyed feeding my baby and it was also the first day that I had a ‘happy’ baby who slept properly and we loved being together. It was also my last full day in the hospital.
Day 7 (Monday)
Home day and relief day…I was looking forward to starting my life at home with my new little family. It took us longer to leave the hospital than we wanted to but in the end we arrived home.
All in all I suppose I’m painting my hospital stay as a bit grim but honestly it was not as bad as I’ve made out. The whole breast feeding thing now over shadows my stay and I do not feel at all disappointed with giving up the breast. It was not getting us anywhere, JJ and I were both unhappy with the situation. I also know that I gave it my best shot and till this day I have not been able to express more than a tea spoon, before or after a feed.
The midwives at this hospital are a very special bunch and I’m grateful for all the support and help that was provided, after being away and home now for 6 days, I should’ve taken advantage of their support more, but I hated not having JJ with me.
Photo's of JJ
He is 2 days old here and we are in the hospital...
First day at home and we are 7 days old...
This is the most recent photo, taken yesterday just after a feed....we heard a new sound and look at the surprise on JJ's face!!
First day at home and we are 7 days old...
This is the most recent photo, taken yesterday just after a feed....we heard a new sound and look at the surprise on JJ's face!!
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