Mixed bag

Work

I’m done, I’ve finished up. The last week of work I only ended up working 3.5 days. I’ve spoken about the fever and the sickness so won’t go there again. On the Thursday there was a nice lunch at one of the restaurants close to work. 30 people from my department went, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want the fuss as I just wanted to leave without being noticed. It was nice and quick.

On the Friday the Project Manager that I had been working with for the last 2 years gave a nice speech, although I was totally unprepared for the reference to all the IF treatments and heart aches we went through to conceive and keep Bobim. I didn’t cry but it was very hard. My words back to the department were rushed and mumble. I think that I said something along the lines of “I’m looking forward to my new job of sleepless nights, crying baby and dirty nappies and see you all in a year”.

This is what we received from my colleagues:


Me

Friday night saw me have the worst night sleep ever….ever really? Yes ever! I couldn’t sleep lying down because of the wheezing and choking. Coughing had me throwing up most of the night. Tried to sleep sitting up but seemed to only manage maybe 3 hours total. At one point I was preparing to wake Tim to take me to the hospital. But decided to wait it out until the morning and see the GP again.

Diagnosis = Sever Bronchitis and if I had left it longer…possible pneumonia. So an on antibiotics and a puffer thing to help me cough up the shit in my lungs. I’m happy to report that I’m well on the way to recovery..not there yet but much better than I was.

Parents

My parents arrived home in the early hours of Wednesday morning…read midnight on Tuesday. I was woken yesterday morning to a phone call my mum to come over and take her to the Dr. She had a migraine from the anxiety and the trip. What a way to greet my parents…my mother throwing up and delirious. My Father with his arm so bruised it looks like something out of a horror movie. He had suffered a bad fall whilst overseas and didn’t want to tell me….cause I’m pregnant.

First week of freedom

From work? Freedom you have got to be kidding!!! I had Ellie and Tina with me from Sunday night till Tuesday and whilst I love them to death both of them here when I’m not feeling 100% was just a bit too much. But I didn’t feel that I could say no, plus part of me wanted them to be here.

Today is the first day that I’ve had to myself and just the simple task of doing the laundry this morning has given me a great deal of joy…go figure I know. But it is something that I’ve been wanting to do. This afternoon I plan on going to curtain places to organise quotes for Bobims room.

Speaking about Bobim’s room, I have a whole post with photo’s in the works to show you all what we have done.

Small Scare

We had a small scare on Monday, being my last week at work I was looking forward to packing up my desk, cleaning up my files, handing over my work and walking away for this place to start my new job filled with sleepless nights, crying baby and dirty nappies.

Things did not go to plan, I was feeling crap and on the way to work I almost got off the train to turn around and go home. I didn’t I came in and then lasted 2 hours. To keep me conscious on the way home I took to counting how many rail/road crossing we had from the City to the Station where I park my car. But I think that I did blank out at some points. I vaguely remember driving home and seeing Tim sprawled out on the couch as well.

In the morning my Temperature was 36.7°C, when I arrived home it was 37.5°C (at 12:30pm), next time Tim took it at (approximately) 1pm it had jumped to 38.5°C, after 20 minutes went to 38.8°C. This is where we started to panic as I had taken 2 panadol tablets at 12:30pm, I couldn’t take anymore.

Off to the GP, where all they could do is look at you sympathetically or should I say pathetically and offer no real help. I was to continue as I was going, panadol every 4 hours and twice the amount of fluids. My blood pressure was below 100!

I’m so grateful that I have an active baby, even while trying to sleep in the afternoon when piles and piles of blanket on me to get warm, my little Bobim was moving around without a care in the world. If this was not the case and Bobim had not moved in the time when my temp had spiked I would’ve been sent to hospital.

Tim and I stayed home yesterday and did not move off the couch and I feel much better today, if only my hacking cough would subside and I could breath out my nose I would be much happier. What away to mark my last week at work…sick!

To all the pregnant ladies out there, infertile and fertile, please take care and KEEP AWAY from anyone who has even a small sniffle.

31 weeks today

At time it feels like this pregnancy is progressing really slowly, other times I stop in awe at how far I have progressed. This morning is one such morning, getting into work I flipped my desk calendar to reveal that I was 31 weeks. SHIT 31 weeks, already huh…well that is amazing.

I continued blogging through out this pregnancy as I didn’t want to forget this experience, at times I have been riddled with guilt at complaining how I was feeling. Today I’m not going allow myself to feel guilty as ‘growing a baby’ for me is not a walk in the park, part of me knew…just knew that it would not be 100% easy. Far from it…I knew instinctively that I would struggle at points.

Walking – I have now slowed right down to a snails pace, I’m still happy to walk anywhere just as long as I take my time. I have also developed the pregnancy waddle, it was not intentional it just seemed to have happened. I think that it is my bodies natural way of dealing with the pain associated with walking….oh yes it is painful my uterus is stretching and Bobims head is low so the movement can and does cause pain. It is hard to describe how it feels, perhaps maybe like a groin injury….hmmm not sure as I’ve never had one of those but hopefully you get my drift.

Stairs – I can climb down but and up them if I need to but I prefer not to climb up as it too is getting really painful.

Sleeping – I’m sleeping much better now as I have found a routine, from the time I go to bed which is about 8:30pm to midnight I sleep with a big pillow that is shaped like the letter ‘C’ with another small pillow making the whole arrangement look like a giant donut. In between this time I will have had at least 2 toilet calls. At midnight the giant ‘C’ pillow is removed and I’m left with the small one for when I sleep on my right side sometimes accompanied with a squishy pillow for between my legs. For some reason I don’t need a pillow under my belly when I sleep on my left side.

Movement - Bobim continues to move all the time and my favourite time of the day is when I’m sitting in front of the TV with my shirt / top lifted up and I watch fascinated with the belly movement. I haven’t felt comfortable ‘talking / reading / singing’ to Bobim. There are times where I hug my belly and saying small things to him, just feels weird to me to be talking to my belly.

Boobs – Colostrum still leaking every now and then, but my size has not increased at all. Which has me a little concerned but I guess that something is working right. I did try and buy some maternity bras the other day; you would think that it would be easy to by a…one maternity bra in this day and age. But nope nothing in my size, which is about an 18B….yes I may be a big lady but my cup size has either been a B or a C. Lucky I am finishing work early at least it gives me 2 months to find a place where I can buy a maternity bra that will fit me.

OB Appointment

Today I had another check up, this time with the midwife as the OB has gone on holidays.

My blood pressure was fine 130/75, this has been a constant level for throughout the pregnancy.

My weight down another kilo the midwife was very happy with this progress, so now a total of 12kg. But realistically I have been monitoring my weight and I’m currently fluctuating 0.5kg to 1 kg.

Urine analysis fine; Bobims heartbeat today was 142 again fine. My tummy was measuring roughly at a 31week pregnancy, this got me a bit worried as I’ve heard for others that I’m having a ‘big’ baby. The midwife told me that because I’m 30 weeks and 5 days that this is still ok and no indication of a big baby.

Must stop listening to MIL and other people.

The best part of the visit was learning my little babies position. His head is facing down low (not engaged) but still down, his bum is near my belly button and his back was curved along my right side. Legs and arms were facing to the left. I was told that it is unlikely that he will turn but it may happen.

OOOOHHH and now I’ve gone to fortnightly visits!!! I’ve got all my appointments booked in now…things are really moving along now.

Part of me feels really guilty that I’ve had such a wonderful day filled with such happy news and my darling friend Bugsy is having such a horrific time, right now.

Bugsy – you are in my thoughts and I wish more than anything that you were not going through this hell.

Miracle email

I don't normally post these emails, but this one really pulled at my heart strings, I hope that you enjoy this cute little story....I don't know if it is made up or real but it is cute all the same:

How much does a miracle cost

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.
She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes! .

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone.

"He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."

" I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

" His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs." !

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

" How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly.

"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers "

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was a doctor, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.

"That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents ... plus the faith of a little child

Prenatal Class #7

I was tempted not to go last night as I was falling asleep on the couch when I got home. But I was worried that I would miss something important. It was not that bad but I could’ve missed it and part of me is glad that we went.

We went over everything that we had learnt in previous sessions and some settling techniques for when you get home with the new baby. We had a lot of discussion about Hospital visitors and visitors when you arrive home. Tim and I had already discussed this and we both know that there is nothing on this earth that will keep my parents away from the hospital. Plus my Dad already warned me that no force would keep him away.

Again we went overtime as there was too much discussion from the annoying ones. I do feel much better after being asked to give feedback. Doing the work that I do, I’m very used to giving and receiving constructive feedback and I’m glad that I was given the opportunity to express my disappointment in managing ‘interruptive’ ‘outspoken’ people. There have been times where I have felt that I couldn’t ask my questions, as the poor midwife was already being bombarded with stories and opinions from other sources.

But I preserved and made sure that I knew the answers to these questions:
* When should I pack my bags – the Midwife suggested that we have our bags packed from 34 weeks onwards. Previously I had received conflicting advice, so I’m going to go with her suggestion.
* The hospital pamphlet mentioned that they delivery babies after 35 weeks gestation, my question was where do I go if my waters break before that – We were told to call the hospital and most likely we would be called in for an assessment and then possibly be sent to a larger hospital. This was good to know and I’m glad that I screamed out the question over the top of the annoying ones.
* My last question was who would call the OB – The midwives will call the OB when it is confirmed that I will be going into the hospital.

Being our last ‘couple’ class you could just feel the excitement in the room.

Being scared

I was asked a question this morning “Are you still scared” about the pregnancy and / or baby. My response was Fuck YES I’m scared….sometimes I’m down right terrified. Any women pregnant and blogs, reads other blogs or visits baby websites would’ve heard all sorts of stories that would terrify anyone. We live in an information age where we ‘know’ way too much about a lot of things. Going back 50 years or so pregnant women were ignorant about a lot of things, and sometimes I too wish I was ignorant…but I’m digressing.

The questions posed to me got me really thinking about how my fear has progressed throughout this pregnancy ride. In the beginning I was worried about rising beta numbers, was it an empty sack, would we see a heart beat? Should I still wear a pad and check for blood every pee break?.

The fear / questions then progressed to will I have a Down Syndrome baby? Is the Placenta in the right place? Am I eating enough? Why am I still cramping from time to time?

Now the fear I have is surrounded around the Birth, will I be able to cope with the pain? Will I be able to last the duration? Will I tear? Will I be able to breastfeed? Have I got enough nappies, clothes, blankets, love? Will I be able to cope?

These are all the questions that go through my mind but…most times this pregnancy STILL DOES NOT SEEM REAL. I feel my baby kick, shit I SEE the baby kicking and logically I know that Bobim is in my tummy, yet it does not seem real. We’ve been going to the prenatal classes, we’ve painted and set up the room yet does not seem real.

We’ve put all the furniture in the room, unpacked the “chest of dreams” and put all the clothes away, bought some rattles and toys and decorated the room and yet is still does not seem real. It was shock to see it all done up and I stood there and cried and cried, because to me it still did not seem real. Seeing Bobim’s room helped but and sometimes when I walk past I’m shocked to see the cot, change table, tall boy and baby stuff around.

There are still times when I look at my husband and ask him “Am I really pregnant?”, “Are we really going to have a baby”. I wouldn’t be surprised if I ask “Is this really our baby” in the delivery room.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant today, Bobim is moving, kicking, somersaulting, dancing right this minute but it is still does not seem real and I have to wonder, will it ever?

Numbers

I’ve meaning to write this post about the significance of numbers in my life:
1) I only have one more Prenatal Class left (except the Breastfeeding workshop which will happen later). Or at this minute the number of hours left till I can go home.

2) Is the number of days until my weekly telephone call to my parents. Being limited to one call a week has been quite hard, whilst I may not have seen my parents often about once every 2 weeks or so, I spoke to them just about every second day.

3) Is number of working weeks left. It is also the number of days off I have after I post this blog entry, gotta love public holidays!

13) Is the number of working days I have left, this one happily decreases every working day.

26) Is the number of days left until my parents arrive back home.

29 +2) Today I’m 29weeks and 2 days pregnant, I never thought that I would make it this far and I can’t believe that I’m nearly 30 weeks.

75) This is the number of days I have left before Bobim ‘should’ pop out!

I’m sure that there are more significant numbers I could think of but am just too tired to even concentrate….the number I see right now is 4:12pm which means I can go home now…and also signifies the time it has taken me to write this post.

Sleep

Last night may go down in history as the worst night ever as far as sleep is concerned. One of the pregnancy books says that by going to the toilet more often you body is ‘preparing’ you for sleepless nights. Ok I get that…and I’ve been handling going to the toilet just fine. For me the trips are about every 2-3 hours but can be hourly. Not a problem I can fall back to sleep just fine.

What I don’t get is the need to go through the pain that I had last night, sleep deprived nights due to feeding and a baby crying is GOOD reasons in my book. But not being able to sleep because it feels like the basket ball in your tummy is pulling all your muscles should never be classed as ‘preparation’. No amount of pillows different sleeping positions seemed to help and when I did fall asleep without any pillow support, I woke up in pain and could hardly get out of bed.

Tim tried to help by rubbing my tummy, which only woke Bobim up and got him kicking. When I was able to find a good position to sleep in heart burn set in and even taking Mylanta did nothing to help.

I’m now grumpy as all hell and just want to crawl into a good position and have a snooze, preferably without the heart burn.

Results

Until I was prompted by Bugsy I didn’t even remember that I had a Blood test last Friday. The standard Gestational and Iron tests. My results are normal, I don’t know what the numbers mean but the glucose came back as 6.7 and the one of the iron numbers was 83. Honestly all I heard was ‘normal’, ‘normal’ all is good and don’t stress.

I didn’t realise how relieved I would be when I heard the results. All the weight that I’ve lost has done me some good. I’m still at the same weight and have not gained a gram in the last 3 months, my baby belly is getting bigger and the weekly guide to pregnancy book I read says that Bobim should weigh roughly 1.15kg.

Prenatal Class #6

First part of the Class consisted of going through a caesarean procedure step by step, the class was again held up by someone (read fucking annoying bitch) asking specific questions about the recovery time frame difference from having had a general versus an epidural. It turns out there is an hours difference….OK that was really important to know.

Then we got shown how to bath your baby. This was a good thing to see and again Tim got to have a go at undressing the doll. One good suggestion was made during this time, which was to ensure that your nappies, wipes, creams and change table were already set up before you left to go to the hospital. Lucky for me as I’ve already got that all set up.

We were visited by someone from the Australian Breastfeeding Association, who gave a very rushed presentation about what the association is about and trying to get people to subscribe to the association. We got a show bag with more reading material. Honestly I wasn’t very impressed with the presentation, for me it was too rushed and she was a bit too pushy about joining the association. But I will check out the website and have a sticky beak of the forum that they have.

We also had a video on the prevention of SIDS, which was good to see and we learnt that having a baby sleep on another’s bed (like a big double bed) surrounded by pillows is not a good thing. This was something that we previously didn’t know.

At one point the Midwife mentioned that the hospital was against dummies, and I tried to ask why, but as usual my question was lost or disregarded to the someone (again ready fucking annoying bitch, plus sister). It was quiet obvious that these people were not just annoying Tim and I but also some other couples. At one point I distinctly heard being murmured “We don’t care about your girlfriends babies…” I had to chuckle.

I did make it a point to get to the class early last night so that I could ask the midwife some questions one on one. Throughout the whole Prenatal experience I haven’t felt nervous about ‘handling’ the pain factor. I’ve been more worried about the fact that I may not be able to have the stamina to handle the duration of the birth process and that I will easily get tired. I wanted to ask if I could demand a caesarean if I felt that I wouldn’t be able to go the hard long yard. Her response was to talk to my OB, but did state that I may just surprise myself with what I can handle.

I asked about a Birth plan and she frowned and then said that in her experience most women rock up with a birth plan in their hands and due to something or another, the birth plan was thrown out the window.

Sassy – Your last comment though gave me some things to talk to Tim about, like cutting the cord and whether or not he wanted to witness the birth. During all the Prenatal Classes these things were not really discussed and it was interesting hearing my husband’s response. But like me we have both decided to keep an open mind about the whole birth and try not to pre-empt any decisions or situations that we may face ourselves in.

Prenatal Class #5

I know, I know I’ve been a bit slack with reporting back on this class, but give me a break I haven’t been too well.

It was a good but long class and you know whenever a group of people get together there is always one that is out spoken and has the “whole world revolves around me syndrome”…you know the ones. This group is no different what is worse is that there is not just one but two of these people present.

Within this group I have not mentioned my infertility woes, to me it is not important to share with them my experiences. I don’t feel the need to ‘justify’ why my pregnancy is more special. My family here in Australia and in Hungary know how special this pregnancy is, I don’t feel the need for strangers to give me additional sympathy. Plus I don’t know their stories either and it is not the point of these classes.

One particular ‘support partner’, who is a female helping her sister, felt the need to share with us that she is already a mother to twins conceived through IVF. Great, good on her yes IVF can work for some. However having to hear explicit details on her birth is again not the point of these classes, it is obvious that she feels the need to contribute and perhaps even scare some of us. One brave soul spoke up and told her that we didn’t need to hear about her catheter incidences during her birth. We were there to learn about different types of pain relief available.

The IVF mother of twins sister asked all sort of graphical questions relating to tearing. At one stage it got just too much and I ended up saying that after glimpsing some of the other ladies cringing at the idea of 2nd and 3rd degree tears “that some of us would like to be ignorant of these things and not have to know everything about it all”. The midwife did step in and suggested that she would be more than happy to discuss all her questions after the class.

To be honest I’m not looking forward to the next two sessions, as these two ladies have ruined the experience for me. It starts off great but ends up being a 2 women show, and we never seem to cover what the midwife has planned and we go over time.

Ok, there were some things that I did learn that I never knew before…pethidine is used as a pain relief. I only previously knew of the gas and epidural. What Tim and I were surprised to learn about is that if you have pethidine then your baby must be given an additional injection ‘like they do drug addicts’ to counter the effects.

I also didn’t know that when you have an epidural you must also have a catheter inserted (hence the whole catheter incident discussion). The thought of a catheter put me off the whole epidural suggestion as I’ve seen them being put in before…not nice at all.

There were pro’s and con’s for each pain relief intervention and now for me it is just a matter of thinking what I would like to have during the birth. I’m not keen on writing a birth plan as to me birth is so unknown how can you plan for it? But I will be discussing with Tim my preferred approach to the birth and pain relief.

Today right now I’m not keen on the pethidine the con’s out way the pro’s for me.

Dear Bobim

It has been a while since I’ve written you a letter, but this does not mean that you are not thought of. You kick and move enough for me to never forget that you are with us.

I can’t believe that in less than 3 months I will be able to hold, cuddle and kiss you. Plus see what you look like. When I do picture you now I see you with light brown hair and nose like mine and baby blues eyes and Daddy’s build. No matter what ever you look like you are much dearly loved and already cherished.

I’m having lots of fun trying to pick your name, not a night goes by with out Mummy or Daddy suggesting a name and then doing the 3 name test…test 1 being the nick name, test 2 being the full name and test 3 the most important test being the screaming name. So far all the names we have suggested have passed the 3 tests. Agi neni was kind enough to give me a Hungarian baby name book.

Daddy and I have started painting your room, for something that we never thought that we would do it is a very special time and we are deliberately taking our time in painting to make sure that it is just right and to savour the moments spent there, a lot of love is being put into your room already.

We have ordered your little bed and bought a car seat for Mummy’s car, we are still debating on whether or not to buy another car seat for Daddy’s. If I get my way (which we both know will happen) Daddy’s car too will soon have a seat for you as well.

This past Sunday we went shopping with Aunty Sis and Ellie, we arrived home with our arms full of packages all for you little one. Aunty Sis went a bit crazy and you can bet that Ellie had a hand in what she bought. It was the first time that Aunty Sis got excited about you, which was so nice. Daddy was shocked with the amount of gifts and things that she bought and has promised to buy in the near future. He thinks that you are already spoilt and even suggested that we should hold off on buying you too much.

But secretly little Bobim, I don’t care if you are spoilt and I will continue to buy as much as I can before you arrive. You are also already receiving gifts from family that live in Hungary as Mamma and Pappa are there right now. When ever I call the first thing that is asked is how you are. What a lucky little baby you are to have family that already love you here and family that already love you on the other side of the world.

This is what you have already brought to our lives, much love, joy and happiness. I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier than I am now and knowing that I will be meeting you soon makes me very excited.

Keep moving, keep somersaulting and keep growing little one for it is not long now.

Your loving Mummy

Mari

Not meshing

I didn’t believe in the whole ‘jinx’ thing, when I was TTC it would be a weekly ritual that I would buy something small for the baby. I would buy a pair of socks or a singlet or a jumpsuit, just something small to put away in my chest of dreams. It was my way of coping, shaking my fist at fate whilst screaming on the top of my lungs “You will not beat me”.

That was until Friday where I said to my cousins wife “Oh I’ve been lucky that I haven’t caught this autumn / winters cold”. I spoke way too soon as I woke on Saturday to a blocked nose and the start of something nasty.

It has only gotten worse, I’m religiously checking for a fever which thank-god there has been no sign off. But the runny nose has now turned into a deep chesty cough, blocked sinus and head ache. I saw the GP last night and there is nothing that I can take, can’t even pop a cold ‘n flu pill which has always helped in the past.

And….I miss my Mummy as she would’ve been the first one over with Chicken soup. Tim did the next best thing and asked my MIL to make a big batch for me. I could make it myself but Tim put his foot down and told me that it goes against the rules; the person who is sick is not allowed to make the soup.

Lesson for this week is that Pregnancy and bad colds do not mesh well.

Pregnancy Update

On the way to work this morning it dawned on me that I hadn’t really posted about the physical experience of this pregnancy for a while. I want to record how I’m feeling so that next time I can look back and not forget and then panic again.

My mind

Since I fell pregnant with Bobim my memory and mental capacity has really dropped, I’ve noticed that if I have a lunch break or a meeting in the afternoon, I’ve lost my concentration that there is no power on this earth that can help me concentrate again. So to avoid being too tired in the afternoons I don’t have a break from work, I keep going and I keep my mind working until it is time to go home.

Lately I’m having trouble determining the difference between fantasy and reality. I have a dream at night and I wake in the morning convinced that it was real. Most recent episode saw me looking in the wool box for a severed head, yes I was convinced that not only was I capable of killing someone but that I kept the persons head.

My mind is literally mush in the afternoons, waiting on the train platform I stare at the destination sign on the approaching train, I know that it is the right one there are people that I recognise who also disembark at the same train station. Yet I have a slight panic attack through the whole trip wondering if I’m on the right train…..how bizarre I know!

Ok enough about my mental problems cause it is making me feel very uncomfortable and I’m starting to wonder how I do actually function.

Bobim and kicking

From baby websites that I lurk around there are women that count the number of kicks they receive during the day, I haven’t bothered with counting. I wake up he is kicking; I have breakfast and afterwards a lot of kicking / movement; on the train a lot of kicking / movement. Walking, sitting, running, sleeping, relaxing movement, movement, movement. He never seems to stop which is ok if only he gave my bladder a bit of a rest now and then.

The kicking / movement can be painful when my bladder has a hint of urine present. The weirdest feeling in the world is when I have a foot kicked against my cervix….oooch. I feel Bobim mostly from my waist and below, I haven’t had any kicks in the ribs and I doubt that my baby belly will be moving up. I wonder if the ‘old wives’ tales are true that if you carry low then it is a boy. Well I’m having a boy and he is low.

Sleeping

Oh I’m sleeping a lot averaging about 10-11 hours a night even more on the weekends. Although I do have 2-3 hourly trips to the toilet. I’m still able to sleep on my stomach…I know go figure…I’ve started using a ‘squishy’ pillow between my legs to stop me from rolling my back at night.

I’ve gotta stop talking about sleeping as it just reminds me of my bed and how much I crave for it right this minute….

Cravings

None what so ever, I don’t crave anything different from my normal diet.

Back pain

No back pain, I guess that the ‘relaxin’ hormone has helped alleviate my back pain issues, but that does not stop me from having monthly massages.

Breast / clothes.

My breasts are no bigger I have not had to buy any maternity bra’s, or maternity clothes everything that I have still fits. There are a few pants that I can’t wear to work as they are a little tight…but only just felt that way last week.

The only difference is the colour of my nipples they are a bit darker. Leaking has almost stoped although I will not stop wearing nursing pads as I can just see myself in a meeting and I get this wet patch in the middle of it…better safe than sorry.

Well that was a bit bigger update than I thought…so I will stop now…as I do have work to do…

Prenatal Class #4

With reluctance we went along last night, the previous weeks class did not leave a good taste of what to expect. I’m glad that we did go along. We had a presentation from a ‘mobile car seat fitting’ company that comes out to your home and fits the seat into your car for a small fee. There was a discussion about the different types of seats and different brands available.

What we didn’t know before last night is that not all child car seats will fit every car, even with a 4WD there is no guarantee that you have enough room in the back seat to fit the one your purchase. We also didn’t know how difficult it is to fit a seat, surely there are just a few bolts to do and ‘she’ll be right?’ apparently not. The best most expensive brand that we have in Australia is the Safe ‘n Sound, which is currently the only company that do their own testing. Child restraint seats are not crash tested in cars….but on boards and other devices.

Without having to have a lengthy discussion on whether or not we would use this companies services, Tim picked up a brochure for the presenter. $60AU (approximately) is a small amount to pay to ensure that the seat if properly fitted to our car. The company also ‘teaches’ first time parents on how to put your baby into and out of the seat. Apparently the Midwives do not and will not help you when you leave the hospital. Small price to pay I think.

Last night was ‘the video night’, we watched a live birth and it wasn’t too bad, gory yes but hey that is what is waiting for me around the corner. I didn’t like looking at the placenta, that bit groused me out, especially with the thought that some people eat it…..yuck.

The human biology amazed us both, learning that the baby’s skull is specifically divided into 4 parts to allow the head to be squashed through the pelvic region left us stunned. What I didn’t know before last night is the reason for the scream after birth is to close the whole in the heart and artery and make the blood flow both ways instead on one way. I also didn’t know that through out this pregnancy I have most likely been having contractions and never really knowing it!

All the birth discussions last night were centred on a ‘normal’ birth. Next week we will be covering ‘unexpected’ births and more pain relief and most importantly when to come to the hospital.

After last weeks disappointment this week was much better and I’m glad that I still preserved to go along.

Prenatal Class #3

Last nights class was made up of a smaller group of couples from the Physio Class and all couples that we had met before. It was the first one with the Midwife, the Agenda was meant to be the following:
- Introduction & Expectations
- Car Restraints
- When to come to Hospital
- Why Prepare for Birth

We didn’t keep to the Agenda as the Car Restraint guy couldn’t make it last night and we didn’t talk about when to come to hospital. There was a very dated (read 80’s cheesy) video on proper nutrition through different stages of pregnancy and important exercises to do, but nothing really new. We did have a small game of matching meanings or acronyms to words often used through pregnancy and birth. Which was OK, and then the Husbands / Partners were asked to right a list of responsibilities during labour, basically what is expected of them or what they think their role is during labour.

I must admit the Men / partners did really well, for me they had the 3 key things on their collective list:
1. Massage
2. Keep mouth shut
3. Support

Obviously the women had much more on our list, for me it showed that the husbands / partners ‘got’ what their role is meant to be.

All in all last nights class was a bit of a let down and not as productive as the previous two classes were. I did ask if Tim participated in coming up with the list and felt very relieved with his answer and a bit more comfortable, as my husband too ‘gets’ what his role will be.

OB appointment

Yesterday was another standard OB appointment, our report:
- Weight = Same as last time,
- Urine = Fine
- Blood pressure = 135/70 also good
- Babies heartbeat = 150 also good.

Tummy checked and right size for the gestational period. We spoke about my weight again and he was happy that I had not gained anything yet Bobim was growing nicely. We agreed that it was unlikely that I would loose an extra 10kg before the birth but he was happy if I continued to remained at my current weight. I must remember to kiss my child a little extra when I meet him, in Thanks for helping me loose weight!

We spoke about the Colostrum and I was reassured that it was normal and a very good thing.

In the next 3 weeks I have to go and do the Glucose blood test and my next OB appointment is for the 19th June, where I will only be seeing the Midwife as my OB will be on holidays, I suppose that he has to have a life too. Just as long as he will be here for the birth is all I care about.

My first Mothers Day

I didn’t want to make a big deal but I did want it to be acknowledged that I am a mother, or one in the making. I didn’t want a big fancy gift from Mimi marking the occasion, what I did ‘need’ was a nightie to wear when in the hospital.

Most of the day was celebrated at my MIL house where SIL was also present. Our little nephew has grown so much and I got to have a little cuddle which I’m always grateful for. The day for me was just right, SIL and I had a really good discussion about many topics, but mainly about pregnancy, babies and family expectations. It was a good afternoon, it would’ve been better if my mother was in the country. I missed my Mummy that day.

Springing a leak

Saturday night I was busy cooking in the kitchen when all of a sudden I feel my nipples harden, didn’t really think much of it, until I felt ‘something’ cold against my left breast. I checked my top, nothing and then I checked my singlet and sure enough there was a wet patch.

I freaked out, well a mini freak out…how can I have milk now when it is way too early for it to come. I frantically reach for the two Bibles, no answers there. I can’t call my Mother as she is not in the country so I do the next best thing and call my MIL. Apparently it is quite normal to have leakage while pregnant, even this early?

Off to the Supermarket where I had to buy Breast pads. My SIL told me on Sunday that it was Colostrum and sure enough when I checked the Pregnancy books again it did state that some women have a little Colostrum leakage starting in the 5th month.

Being able to breath

This blog sometimes gets bombarded with my work issues, I try to refrain from blogging about work as this online diary is meant to be about falling and staying pregnant and my journey to become a mother.

But….I need to vent and I think that I need some help. My parents departure although hard was not as bad as I had expected and I had hoped that I would have a great night sleep. That stress was over, they are gone and being extremely well looked after by the Airline they are flying with.

At 2:30am I woke for my usual toilet break and then proceeded to toss and turn, I was thinking about today and what was to be in store for me when I arrived this morning. I worked myself up to such as state that I only managed a half hours sleep after that. All my meditation and other efforts did not work.

On the way to work I felt as though I couldn’t breath, even though I was almost panting. Reading a book helped take my mind off work for a while but as soon as I arrived at the Train station I started to feel dizzy and anxious about what was waiting for me.

Waiting for the Tram my worst nightmare came true, here was a phone call from work, urging me to hurry up and get into work. This set me shaking and seeing black spots in my vision. I get into the building and head straight to the ladies where I sat for a while balling my eyes out, shaking and panting like I had run a marathon.

I have continued to feel faint all day and have tried to give the fucken bastard clear messages to back off and leave me alone. If I wasn’t convinced to leave work earlier, last night and this morning have put my mind at ease. I can’t wait to be out of here!!!!

The Big OS Trip

This morning I woke up very early to be driven to the Train station as this afternoon I’m meeting Tim at my parent’s house, where we will be taking them to the airport for their big trip. I did not sleep well last night at all, probably only managed about 5 hours in total.

Part of me feels like a selfish little child as I don’t want my Mummy and Daddy to go overseas. I have a bad feeling about this trip and am really worried how things will go for them over there. My Dad is not a well man, after 2 strokes he has limited movement on his right side, he can walk short distances but is mainly reliant on a wheel chair and since the ‘Family issue’ most recently his memory and temper have gotten a lot worse.

The reason for the trip? Well my Grandmother is very ill, mind you she has been ill for over 15 years. Ever 2-4 years my mother has the urge to go and see her “Because she may die soon”. This has been her excuse for many a trip. I may sound harsh but my mother loves my grandmother unconditionally even though she is treated like crap. It seems that the urge to visit her mother is also an urge to be emotionally abused. There has never been anything that I can say to waver my mother once this ‘urge’ is upon her.

I had hoped being pregnant would sway her to stay, but all I got back was that their trip was only for 7 weeks and they would be back for the birth…and…“Oh just think how many beautiful Hungarian Baby stuff I can bring back”… I would rather them stay here, all the stuff I need I can get here in Australia.

Re-reading this post I do come across selfish and perhaps even a bit jealous, I just don’t understand the need to go when my parents have children here who desperately need them. When the whole ‘family episode’ happened, an inkling of hope stepped in…perhaps they will not go now that Brother needed them….but no my mother was and still is adamant to go.

I just hope and pray that the next 7 weeks fly by and my parents have a good time. My father has very high expectations of his ability to catch public transport and feels that his sisters will be capable to meet his special needs, when ever this is mentioned; I refrain from snorting as his expectations are ridiculous. He can hardly get on a Bus, Train or Tram here in Melbourne let alone doing the same thing in very old City as Budapest, or the old Hungarian small towns.

A lot of friends and family say that there is no need to worry, “Mari you and Bobim are the most important things in your life, concentrate on Bobim and not your Parents trip”, or “There is nothing you can do from Melbourne to help when they are in Hungary don’t stress”. At these comments and other like it I simply nod my head and refrain from speaking my mind.

There is nothing anyone can do or say to stop me from worrying about my parents. I know my parents very well and know that my mother has the tendency to expect great gestures from people and when they don’t happen she cracks it. I also know that my father will not be able to make the trip to visit my grandmother as she lives in a remote hovel of a small (read miniscule) country town where there is no wheelchair friendly transport near by, and he will be left with one of his sisters. Who will look after him?

I also know my Aunties, and whilst they are my family and I love them dearly they have their own lives and it does not stop because Mr and Mrs Mari’s parent from the great land of OZ have arrived. My father has great expectations and it is the let down of those that will hurt him dearly and I have tried to reason and reiterate that it will not be as he expects but he is adamant that I am wrong and his sister will do what he expects. I know this Aunty way too well.

I could go on and on about this all day and it does nothing to alleviate my worry over this God damn pointless trip. Bring on this afternoon so that I can git the farewells over and done with and have my parents come back safely home.

Prenatal Class 2

Last night we went through different breathing techniques to help deal with pain. Which simply involved to Breathing in (1, 2, 3) and breathing out (1, 2, 3, 4, 5). Husbands where encouraged to place there hands on their wives rib cage to feel them breathing in deeply. I couldn’t look at Tim properly as I just burst out laughing and honestly I wasn’t comfortable in that position. He was also then encouraged to hold my rib cage from behind.

The massage part was really nice and it was good to have the wives first do the massage on the Husbands, Tim is already quite used to rubbing my back we were just shown some new techniques. Last nights lesson helped prepare me more on some ideas on how to cope. The main message that I got from the class was that my body will instinctively act / go into positions to help deal with pain.

Tim and I had a great discussion afterwards on the management of pain and I believe that we already have a general plan to deal through the pain. I sometimes suffer from bad headache and where I know that this has nothing to do with Labour pain, the pain management that Tim and I have I believe will help. He simply puts pressure on my head to alleviate the pain, or strokes (almost like tickles) my neck and back.

There have been times where I have suffered really bad back pain and the stroking and hand pressure being applied to ‘the’ areas has always helped me through the worst of it.

The new thing that I learnt last night was where to expect the Labour pain, I had never thought of this before. I had heard that labour starts off like Period Pain but obviously gets 20 to 100 times worse. We were told some women suffer labour pains up near their tummies, or below the belly button. Others just have bad back pain, which shocked me as I would never associate Labour pain only being felt in the back. We were also told that others feel it in their legs towards the groin area. All very interesting to me, and it is hard to predict where anyone will feel it.

The Physio did ask if we were expecting pain, I had no illusions of this, I’m expecting so much pain that it sometimes scares me. Tim noticed a frightened, terrified doe eye look and asked me afterwards if I was scared. I’m not scared of the pain, as I’m confident that we together can manage it, I’m scared that I will not be able to cope with a long labour. That I will be hysterically crying for a Caesarean anything to get my baby out, the lack of control and how I may react is what scares me more than anything.
It still amazes me how some first time mums have not attended any type of classes, I can not fathom how they coped or how they prepared. Both of us feel lucky that we are attending these sessions even if it is just to help alleviate panic or build up confidences.

When to leave work?

That has been the question that has been plaguing me since Friday afternoon. I had to leave work early on Friday as I was falling asleep at my desk. I may not suffer from much back pain, cramps, nose bleeds, too bad constipation (thankfully that problem is well in hand now), or bladder problems. What I do suffer from is an overdose of tiredness; I wake up refreshed and happily go about eating breakfast and getting ready for work. Just when I’m about to leave the house I have an overwhelming NEED to crawl back into bed and sleep for the next 5 hours straight!

But I don’t I trudge down to the Train station and once on the train I can happily read my journey away. I can handle the hour train ride to the city, the books I read provide my mind with the escapism of the real world.
Once at work I achieve about an hours solid work, answering emails, working on documentation or Testing. Then about NOW I hit a wall where I feel the NEED to sleep again, perhaps it is now that people are finally arriving to work and the general discussion about weekends and evenings is discussed and I’m distracted.

To fight the feeling I eat a muesli bar that Bobim appreciates, and have a happily kicking baby for the next hour or so. I’m lucky that we have ‘flexible’ working hours here, which for me is a brilliant invention. Since returning to work in January I have not had a ‘proper’ lunch break, I eat my lunch whilst I continue working. It allows me the flexibility to arrive later but still leave around 4:30pm each afternoon. I still manage my required working hours, if there is a meeting in the afternoon, or I do have a lunch break then my afternoon is shot and I can’t work at all, or if I spend too much time in blog land or surfing. I hit a brick wall, there have been times most recently where I have nodded off for a few minutes typing in mid sentence.

It is not like I’m not getting enough sleep, most nights I’m in bed by 8pm sometimes earlier and sleep a good 8-12 hours depending if it is weekday or weekend. Even with the interruptions to the nightly toilet visits I still manage a good 2-3 hours at a time.

The more I progress through this pregnancy the more I know that this ‘tiredness’ will not get better. I had initially indicated to Management that I would leave work mid July, but since Friday I have been considering leaving at the End of June. I feel better about this decision, part of me can deal with the fact that I will be here May and June. July and August I will be at home nesting, doing nothing…whatever. Now all I have to do is tell my Boss.

Baby movement

I think that I may have jinxed myself in the previous post, saying how nice it was to feel Bobim kick. Whilst I'm very glad that I have a Baby that moves a lot is can be quite difficult to sit in one place and work when he is playing footy with my bladder and the kicks are getting quite sore.

Most of the day has seen me walking around the department when Bobim's kicks get too much to try and get him to sleep. Does anyone else out there have any suggestions on how to make this one sleep a little so that I can get some work done.

Looks like I'm off for another walk!

Class 1)

Last night was our first of seven ‘Birth and Parenting Classes’, here is the program for each class:
1 Pre Natal Exercises
* Relaxation Technique for use in Labour

2. First & Second Stage of Labour
* Breathing Techniques
* Managing Backache Labour
* Giving Birth

3. Ante Natal Care & Preparation
* Introductions & Expectations
* Car Restraints
* When to come to Hospital
* Why prepare for Birth

4. Normal Labour and Tour
* Anatomy & Physiology of Pregnancy & Labour
* Stages of Labour
* Coping Mechanisms – Self Help & Medical Assistance
* Birth Video
* Pain Relief

5. Variations in Labour
* Unexpected outcomes
* Epidural Video
* Tour of Labour Ward
* Interventions in Labour

6. Newborn
* Breast Feeding
* Baby Bathing
* Baby Care

7. Going home
* Parenting & Coping Mechanisms
* Vaccination & Vitamin K
* Community support
* SIDS
* Circumcision
* Revision of Labour

There were 14 couples present last night all for their first child; it was nice to see so many big baby bellies in one room. There were ladies further along the pregnancy path and others that were roughly around the same time frame as me. Tim and I did notice that I had the smallest baby bellies, I was not the smallest women there nor the largest, but my Baby bump in comparison was and is quite small.

I’m sure that by the end of the Classes I will have had an information overload and perhaps even have the same things reiterated over and over. But last night I learnt that there were 3 stages of labour, the first is expected to last an average of 8 to 12 hours, the second to average 1 to 2 hours and the third about 20 minutes. The first is where your cervix dilates, the second is the actual birth and the third is the placenta.

We learnt some great exercises that will help prepare for labour and afterwards, things like the Pelvic Floor exercise, pelvic tilting exercise and abdominal tensing exercises. There were some relaxation techniques taught and we were encouraged to try them during the day whilst at work.

I had no real expectations of the class and got a lot out of it, even if it was hearing the complaints for other women with sore backs, legs, arms, feet and so on. I looked to Tim and was just amazed at how well I was going in comparison.

I did feel very lucky, honoured, privileged that I had made it far enough in this pregnancy to be able to attend these classes. This morning Bobim just felt so much more real and not a fantasy dream.

MIA

Some may have noticed my absence from the posting world, I don't really want to go into too much detail, other than my Family needed me.

After a little scare with my blood pressure which dropped to 100 over 50, Bobim and I are ok.

I'm looking forward to the start of my Physio / Midwife Classes tomorrow night.

Third OB appointment

I have totally forgotten to mention how my OB appointment went on the 18th. This time Tim came with me, which I was glad for as he too needs to meet the Dr.

Weight again a loss, urine sample normal, blood pressure normal and heart beat of Bobim just right. Dr felt around on my tummy and was very satisfied all in all a very uneventful visit, perhaps this is why I’ve forgotten to mention it.

This time I did go with a list of questions, which were mainly around some of the topics that I’ve seen on EB. I mentioned to him that I read in a book that you shouldn’t really sleep on your back and only on a particular side. His response was to stop reading books and went onto explain that during labour they sometimes roll women onto their sides to alleviate the back pain and he believes that it was then assumed by some authors as a crucial need during pregnancy. I was advised to sleep how I wanted to.

Then I went onto mention my weight loss and how I’m not even trying to loose weight it just seems to be coming off me. It is not like I’m exercising or even starving myself.

His response was BONUS! I was told if manageable for me to even loose another 10kg before the birth or stay at my current weight with the baby growing but me loosing weight. He was more worried if I were to gain too much weight, due to recovery times and the potential for a difficult pregnancy and difficult birth.

Since I fell pregnant I have lost roughly 11.5 kilo’s an amazing amount of weight considering there is something inside me that should be making me gain weight.

I must admit that I was concerned that Bobim was not getting everything he needed from me and that I was doing the wrong thing. But with the OB’s reassurance I feel much better. I feel the need to stress that I have not been dieting, shit I’m a bad pregnant infertile as I admit that I eat crap! I don’t exercise, shit I catch the tram instead of walking to the train station, which is 2 blocks away from my work and it is down hill!

Next appointment was 4 weeks from then and it is the 15th May.

Ramblings

I can’t think of a better title post, but I have a great need to dump this crap out of my system.

Today is just not a good day to be around me. I don’t want to be here at work, I would rather be at home and I hate the prospect of potentially needing to work tomorrow when it is a Public Holiday.

A work colleague of mine often sees me surfing others blogs during my lunch breaks and asked me why I would even think of broadcasting my feelings thoughts on the net. It got me thinking, why is that I blog?

I met another IF yesterday afternoon, I had ‘known of’ her for a while but we had not meet before. Without going into too much detail of her experience, she is further down the AC road than I was, and unfortunately would’ve been due at the same time as me, if she had not miscarried her twins. So unfair, and I admitted to her that I was nervous about meeting her and being pregnant as it was such an in your face reminder.

We probably spent the whole afternoon talking IF and everything to do with it; it was nice to meet another that just ‘got it’. Which is how fucked up the IF / AC road really is.

I spoke of my blog and the need to read others in the same situation, during our conversation I was shocked that she also felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge of how common IF really is. This brought out the main reason for this blog, I started surfing the net and getting hooked into Baby TTC websites purely because I NEEDED to know that I was not alone.

I even went onto say that the main reason I blog about everything to do with this journey is so that 1) I don’t ever forget this crap (not that it is likely) 2) Even if someone is reading my rubbish and who is also having a bad day and realises that the IF world is not that big and they are not alone then I’ve achieved far more than what I set out do.

But why blog now that I’m pregnant? I think it is because I’m not there yet, I have not reach my destination and once Bobim is here, I know that I will still feel Infertile. Plus Tim and I are already planning on waiting a year to try again, why? Well if Bobim #2 is going to take another fucking 3 years then we feel that we better start soon.

Our biggest regret in our marriage to date for both of us is that we did wait so long to start….

My Bobim update is simply that the Bumps and tickles have now progress to some kind of weird gassy feeling that feels like more of a smallish ball being dropped and kicked and punched….Moving on from Bumps ‘n tickles to Kicks and Punches.

Easter 2006 in Review

It has been a little while since I updated. Not once did I think about logging onto a PC over the Easter break.

Tim and I had planned on building a Gate at the side of our house, it has been on our list of things to do for a long time. It is a great sense of achievement when I pull up into the drive and see the Gate there. It means that we can get moving onto some other tasks that are on our list of things to do.

My parents spent most of the break with us, it was nice to have others in the house. The only thing that I found quite difficult to deal with was the way Anyu was treating me like an invalid. I was not allowed to reach for anything and was not allowed to lift anything, it just got very annoying.

Saturday night we had dinner at my sisters place and for once this year she did not drink at all. I would like to know how she went on Easter Day but I was more than relieved that she didn’t do it with just us there.

Easter Sunday we had lunch at my in law’s and it was nice to see my SIL, BIL and little nephew. What a cute little boy and so very well behaved, he likes to be held during the day whilst asleep and I love my SIL for allowing me to holding for a long time. At one point I had Nephew kicking me on the outside and Bobim kicking me on the inside. It was a beautiful feeling.

Bits and peices

There are so many small things that I’ve been wanting to blog about recently that I thought that I would put them all into one post.

Garlic

It is the root / vegtable of all evil in my book. I do not cook with it and in my culture that is unheard off, “you must have garlic tis the essence of life right?..WRONG” I don’t mind the smell of it when it is cooking, I just can’t handle the smell of what is does to ones breath and body odour.

Before I was pregnant I could tolerate the smell, you know the next morning, 2 hour after you’ve eaten it smell. But now I’m dry retching at the hint of it. In my books it is deemed evil and should NOT be allowed in my presences. There was a weekend not too long ago where my darling Mimi ate, some garlic pizza and pasta that was swimming in the evil stuff. I could not sleep in the same room as him that night. It was awful, it almost got that bad that I needed to leave the house, as the smell was wafting down the corridor to the room I was attempting to sleep in.

Vics under the nose and eucalyptus oil on the bed did nothing to help over power the God damn smell and I threw up my breakfast because I happened to walk in the bedroom…nice huh. I have since nicely convinced my Mimi that garlic is off limits, until after….way after Bobim is born.

Weight and Train rides

I’ve already mentioned that I’m overweight, but I have not really talked about how it affects my self esteem. You name the diet and I have tried it, the only one that worked was the Sure Slim one. I have mentioned before that since I’ve fallen pregnant with Bobim that I have been loosing weight, it is not like I’m trying. The kg’s just seem to be dropping.

I can feel my baby bump, but to the public and even my family you would not be able to tell that I’m 5 months pregnant, my belly is just too large. But I’m ok with this, as long as I feel my little one moving around then it is all the reassurance I need.

The public transport here is not that bad in my opinion, I travel 2 hours a day to and from work. The line that I catch is always full of people and I also go out of my way to get to a Train station to ensure that I get a seat. There is not a lot of leg room and the seats a quite squashed together, and my largeness doesn’t help with it all. But it has never been a problem until last night.

As is the norm the train was packed and when this lady sat down next to me, I attempted to move across but was already squashed against the wall the train, she asked kindly for me to move, but there was just no room. The lady in front of me already had her legs in between mine. All through the train trip, the lady (read skinny arsed bitch) was huffing and puffing, rattling her newspaper. Every time she turned her page I got an elbow in my hip and eventually when she got off the train, before getting up I received another nice big elbow for good measure.

Normally this kind of situation would not bother me, I’ve made peace with how I look and really don’t care what other think. I just hated how she made me feel, I was embarrassed and ashamed, about the fact that my right leg was over on her side of the chair. I hated the power she took and used to make me feel small.

I wanted to talk about this as it bother me last night and I didn’t want to give this “skinny arsed bitch” anymore power over me and hindsight is a bad thing…as I would’ve love to have said as she was getting off the train “Excuse me but you seem to have left your elbow in my hip…” or “I hope that you enjoyed poking and abusing a pregnant women”. But I didn’t, I sat there blushing as I willingly gave her to power to make me feel like dirt.

The 18-20 scan

All went well and it was nice to see our little one again, I can’t get enough of seeing Bobim. I don’t blame Tom Cruise for buying an ultrasound machine, as I would love to see Bobim as many times as possible.

Bobim’s report is that we are ahead of schedule by 2 days and going by this my EDD has now changed to the 21st Aug 2006, I have not been able to update the ticker above as I don’t have access at work.

You know the saying (I bet you have all heard it before) “We don’t care what the gender is just as long as it is healthy”, for me I never ‘got’ this particular saying at all…it was more important to ‘know’ if Bobim was a boy or a girl. But when we were told, is paled into insignificance…right at that moment I got more reassurance knowing that Bobim’s head and weight were exactly in the ‘normal’ range.

After the scan in the car, we sat there stunned for a few minutes both just blinking away not saying much to each other, Mimi finally turns to me and admitted to me the thoughts that were going through both our minds, which was that we were both a little disappointed knowing that we were having a boy.

Then next thing that came out of my mouth was “Do you show the same amount of affection and love to a boy as you do a girl?”…The look of utter disgust on Mimi’s face gave me the answer…I was being stupid…of course you do.

I didn’t sleep well last night as I was stressing over my reaction…Will I love this child as much even if it is a boy?….Why did I want a little girl so much? I realised at 3am this morning that the main reason why I wanted a little girl was because I knew everything there was to know about looking after a girl baby. I was 14 when Ellie was born and spent most of my teenage years helping my sister look after both her girls. I had know idea where to start with a boy….I felt like I had been thrown out of my comfort zone…a boy…shit…..a boy….will I smother and love him too much that he will turn out to a be a pansy?….shit….

I came to realise that I don’t care if my first child is a boy, one day I may get my little girl. But then again it did….doesn’t matter because Bobim’s first report was that he is all ‘normal’…isn’t that amazing?

UTI or not?

Thankyou for all your comments…I don’t think that I really did my post justice by describing how I felt that night….

I thought that it was resolved on Friday afternoon, but went along to my GP to check the results of the urine sample that was sent on Wednesday. It wasn’t UTI at all the Hospital Dr had got it wrong, what was the pain and discomfort? I don’t know and neither does the GP, but the good thing is that it hasn’t come back. I was told to stop the antibiotics that were given to me.

Tomorrow is the big day where I have my next ultrasound and find out if Bobim is a boy or a girl. Tim and I are both very excited about seeing Bobim again….mental blank…I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve seen our little one, but for Tim it will only be the second time….the first was the confirmation of the heart beat scan at 6weeks.

This week marks 20 weeks for me (give or take a day), which means that I’m half way through this pregnancy. The week has not started off too good. I’m really struggling with being drained and exhausted like I have run a marathon, but all I did this weekend was knit and not do too much.

Last week as an example even after going to the hospital and getting home late I was still able to drag myself out of bed and get to work…all be it late…but I was ok. This week I can’t seem to keep my eyes open at all and feel myself falling asleep at my desk. It is only Tuesday and I feel this way…how am I going to last the week? I’ve no idea!

The night that was..

It was a perfect way to start week 19, but thinking about it now it just feels like a nasty nightmare, something that didn’t happen to me but someone else. Or better yet last night’s events were a clip from the latest horror movie.

Stepping onto the Tram last night I felt a small little twinge where I should, it was centred near my cervix. Really I thought nothing of it, raced for the Train and just made it, got a great seat and settled in for the hour train ride home. Book in hand I started to switch off from work.

About 5 minutes into the journey home I received a very sharp cramp like pain, again in the same area as before, I shuffled in my seat and it seemed not to help, the pain was quiet dull, it actually felt like the Dildocam was stuck up against my cervix…all interfiles know what that feels like.

By the time I got home, the pain had not really moved on, I think that I was just able to tolerate it better. But it didn’t stop me from rushing to the toilet to check for any spotting. Nope nothing and no more CM than there was already…phew I was over-reacting right?

Well, the pain didn’t go away and just seemed to become more consistent, it would come and go and then it would stay. Lying on either side, on my back, sitting with my legs up, legs down, walking…nothing seemed to help. I did what I thought best at the time and call my Mummy. Whom immediately said “Don’t stop at go…proceed directly to Hospital”.

Mimi and I had already discussed whether or not to go to the hospital, but neither of us could make the decision, I’m eternally grateful that my Mummy gave me the kick up the arse to just go.

The 5-minute drive felt like 5 hours, I was scared shitless and kept on saying to Mimi “Everything will be fine, I’m sure it is really just nothing”. I felt as though I had to reassure him, as he was white as a ghost. Last time I had seen him this pale he fainted on me.

I must admit I was fighting tears all throughout the longest wait of my fucking life. But again felt that I had to be strong for Mimi. I also admitted to the nurse and Dr that I felt really stupid for being there as the pain was not that bad…WHO WAS I KIDDING???…I was freakingfuckingout….but I suppose that my Dad was coming through me as whenever he is sick he always says “I’m ok, there is nothing wrong”.

When I did get to see the Dr, and being probed with the million and one questions…all while I was screaming in my mind “PLEASE JUST DO AN ULTRASOUND TO SEE IF BOBIM IS OK”. He started with an examination and felt around for Bobim (all the way through the afternoon and early evening, Bobim was happily kicking and moving around…but still I was stressed). Finding where she/he was the Dr had a listen and when he looked at me, he just smiled as my little one had just delivered an almighty kick to the stethoscope. Bobim was fine, heart beat nice and strong.

So what was wrong??? Well I have an urinary-tract-infection, yes that’s right an UTI, how stupid did I feel when that was announced.

I still shudder at remember the thoughts, those horrible thoughts that went through my mind when we were waiting. I won’t write about them as you can imagine what was going through my mind. I have never in my short 29 years been so scared shitless before in my entire life.. I am finding it hard to put last night’s events out of my mind and move on.

A big bag of the Guilt's

I’ve been lurking more and more on my old fav Baby website and contributing to the Pregnancy posts, actually anything to do with a baby threads I’m reading.

After keeping away from this site for a long time and living in the Blog world, contributing and reading on pregnancy just makes Bobim feel more real to me.

This morning I thought that I would have a sneak peak at the IF threads. Why is it that I now feel so guilty for lurking there, that I can’t even bring myself to post to questions that I can answer or offer advice to some people that are still on the IF road from hell?

Here I am at work, feeling Bobim kicking away with a small smile on my face, but reading some of the posts makes me feel so very guilty that I am here and not back there holding their hands.

I don’t think that I’ve explained myself very well….

In Awe

It was 3am in the household of Mari when I woke to the usual need to go and relieve my bladder. Before getting up though I felt a little bump and tickle, it was the first time I had felt Bobim at night.

I have one very active little baby and what is so weird is when I’m talking to someone and I feel a bump and tickle, instantly my mind goes to Bobim and my hand reaches for my tummy.

This morning on the way to work I was reading my book and I guess that Bobim also enjoyed the story, as I sure received a lot of little bumps and tickles. I am in awe of this experience, it is so special and so hard to describe, and every little bump and tickle brings on such powerful feelings that really rock me. I feel so very lucky and blessed to have been given this gift.

Week 17 in Review

I'm now 18 weeks and I really hope that this week will be better than the last. I maybe slapped in the face or shot down in the street for this post. This week has been shocking, I hate it that I can't sleep and when I do sleep I'm have nightmares.

I hate it that I can't eat and when I do, I either have heart burn or am dry retching.

I hate it that I'm tired.
I hate it that I'm starting to doubt this baby and this whole pregnancy thing.
It feels like the longest FUCKING 2WW, of my life and I'm only 18weeks...how am I going to last till 40 weeks.....
I hate it how time is going by so slowly, I want to find out the sex of my child NOW!

On the plus side, I love it how I feel it move, I love it how I've lost so much weight about 10kg since I found out I was pregnant. I love it how Tim and I are so excited.

So all in all week 17 of this pregnancy was not kind to me!

Bump 'n tickle

It has been a while, a whirlwind weekend filled with everything to do with the dreaded wedding and work, which will never die down. I wonder if my Manager will be calling me when I’m giving birth stressing about something or another.

My biggest news is that I definitely feel movement; I have been for about a week or so, I ignored it up until Sunday as I just thought that it was wind or my hopes of feeling movement. But I asked a good friend of my at the Wedding if it was meant to feel like something was tickling me behind my belly button.

When she screeched and said “Yes, that’s it”. You could not wipe the smile off my face. Every now and then I get this little bump, tickle, and scrap that I just sit there and smile and rub my tummy.

On the Baby room front, we purchased a Baby Gate to keep the cats out and we have come up with a ‘Room renovation plan’. For a number of weeks I’ve felt frantic that I was running out of time and there was so much to do, and I love plans, I like to know what gaols we are trying to achieve. Even TTC I always had plans for the next cycle, it made me feel more settled.

So here is our general plan:
March – Buying the Baby Gate and picking the colour of the paint for the walls
April – Doing the Concreting and the Gate to the side of the house and finally fixing up the garden. I know that this has nothing really to do with Bobim’s room….but we don’t have a Shed and we have kept a number of things in ‘The rooms’ closet that needs to now live in a shed, hence the concreting.
May – Start cleaning the room, washing the walls, carpets, windows. We are also changing the Window, door and closet trims and adding in a Picture rail. This is all to be done in May.
June – Paint and finish the room, including the curtains, wall art and anything else I can think of.
July – Most likely I will be washing all the clothes and putting them away and getting the ready for Bobim
August – All I have planned this month is first packing the bag for the hospital and then giving birth (FUCK…..deep breaths Mari!!!)

OH 3 more weeks till we find out the sex of Bobim!!

Second OB appointment

Monday morning I had my second OB appointment, sitting in the waiting room I didn’t know what to expect at all. There were all these Pregnant women and women with kids around me and still I felt uncomfortable.

The OB’s midwife is fantastic, remembered me from 6 weeks early and remembered my frantic phone call relating to my constipation episode. It was a nice feeling being remembered.

I had lost 5kgs in 6weeks since I’d been at the Clinic, which amazed both of us, shouldn’t pregnant women put on weight?

My Blood pressure was 130/70 I was told that this is goo; my urine test on site was fine for protein and sugar content. My blood test results were negative where needed to be and the numbers were all the normal ranges where it needed to be.

Then the highlight of the visit was a quick listen to the heartbeat, my little Bobim is a cheeky mite, didn’t want to sit properly for the microphone. She couldn’t find the heart beat…..and surprisingly this did not concern me, I didn’t even have any DBT. We could hear Bobim moving around, but a quick scan and we saw Bobim moving around like crazy and kicking it’s very long legs.

Another go at the microphone thingy and four kicks later I heard the very faint thump, thump, needless to say I was in awe.

I only saw the OB for about 5 minutes asked my simple question of taking Folate as I keep on forgetting to take Folate and was wondering if this would cause issues. I was told that Folate is more important before conception and not after.
I was advised to take Calcium and a Multi-vitamin that contains Iron that won’t make me constipated. All is all we were all quite happy with my progress. Next appointment is 6 weeks away on the 18th April.

Visit

My MIL invited us over for a visit yesterday, it is always nice to spend time with them. We have not always had a good relationship; out of our 10 years of marriage about 5 of them have been spent in silence. For different reasons and reasons today are irrelevant.

I was eager for news on little Damoan, I had not called my SIL as part of me is not comfortable in calling and the other part is that I don’t want to disturb her, I have a knack for calling people right when they are the most busiest.

SIL is not coping very well with little Damoan and MIL has been asked to go over and look after him so that SIL can sleep. My MIL seems to think that he is not being fed enough and an argument ensued and MIL was kicked out of the house. Obviously there is more to the story than that but it is not the purpose of this post.

This whole story with SIL and MIL has got me a little worried about not coping when I come home with our Bobim. Anyu has suggested to me that she would stay here and help in the first weeks, to now it has been a suggestion but now I’m wondering if I take her up on her offer will we argue too?

I know that there is no point in worrying about what is to come, what I have done is read, research as much as possible on the birth and the first few weeks to prepare myself. I was telling this to MIL and Tim and I have discussed that when Bobim is going to be home for the first few weeks it is not going to be easy.

Does anyone else have these fears of not coping when coming home?

About Baby

As you can imagine I know just about everything there is to know about Trying to Conceive and Infertility and Assisted Conception, but I feel so out of my depth when it comes to pregnancy and baby. No matter how many web sites or books I read I don’t feel like I’m ‘prepared’ enough.

Which is funny…. Tim and I had been trying for 3 years probably even longer to have Bobim finally join us, but now that Bobim has stuck, I’m starting to panic. Shit what have I got myself into???

I’m reading this little book that came free with a Pregnancy Magazine and the words stuck out at me “Even if you planned to conceive and have looked forward to having a child, the realisation that you are becoming a parent can be daunting”. Hhhhmmm Fuck yeah!

Daunting is an understatement of the year! In August I’m going to have a little baby that will be totally reliant on my ability to understand what it needs. I read onto understand that these ‘feelings’ are all quite normal. Tim believes that all the reading and researching I’m doing is preparing me for the tough times ahead. I would like to think that it is.

This was all going through my mind on the train this morning on the way to work and I’m totally absorbed in the facts and details, when I came across a word that seems to be scattered throughout the book “miracle”. Is my Bobim a miracle, what constitutes as a miracle? The Australian Oxford Dictionary states that a miracle is an event so remarkable that it is attributed to a supernatural agency.

Then there is this: When sperm and egg meet, a single cell forms. For this to happen, conditions must be perfect: the egg must be in the right place, sperm must be present and your womb ready.

So is it a Miracle that Bobim is with us…not really it seems that things were perfect when she/he was conceived. Yet part of me wants to believe that some supernatural agency was involved in making everything perfect last November and thinking about that, I’m eternally grateful and in awe of the fact that I have been granted this gift. Even though I may be scared about the birth and after, I’m in a quiet shock that I have been given the privilege of this responsibility. I just pray that I won’t let our little Bobim down.

Hospital

I had been looking forward to the Hospital tour for a while and finally booking into the hospital that Bobim will be delivered in (if all goes according to plan). Altogether there were 4 couples, including Tim and I.

I must admit that I was a bit envious with the other ladies as you could definitely tell that they were pregnant, the baby bumps were visible. Unfortunately as I’m already over weight I don’t even know if you will ever be able to tell that I’m pregnant. But I’m ok with that and have accepted that this maybe the case.

We walked into the birthing suit and it was huge, your eyes are struck but the big double bed in the middle of the room, with a big TV on the wall and chairs scattered around the place, a baby bassinette thingy that is used when it is born. Then we took a look at the bathroom and which was also big, actually bigger than the one I have at home. It looked like we had entered a 5 Star Hotel suit rather than a Birthing room.

This particular hospital has 3 birth rooms with the same set up, the one we were ushered into was the biggest, and we were told that the other 2 were smaller. Tim looks at me and says smaller, this one is bigger than our bedroom at home. The rooms that you stay in after the birth were equally as big and impressive.

The hardest part of the visit was seeing the nursery; there was this tiny little girl just near the window under the UV light as she had a small bout of jaundice. It was also good to see a Midwife helping a new mum bath her baby. My grip on Tim’s hand tightens and he looked at me (in Hungarian) I told him that this room was the hardest to see, because I want one (a baby) so much that I felt like sobbing …fucking hormones!

The last part of our tour was sitting down one on one with the Midwife where we discussed all sorts of things, from the birth to the pre-preparation classes to taking my Medical History. I felt so comfortable in her presence and felt reassured that we would be very well looked after. The hospital is a small private one and averages 30 babies a month, so at any given time the average number of mothers there are about 5 per week and there are more than enough Midwifes to give you the care you need. When we visited there were 13 new mums there, which was apparently a very rare occurrence.

I’ve booked into 8 pre-preparation classes, two with a Physio that I have to pay for and the rest with the Midwives from the hospital. I also received a bag of goodies, brochures, sample products and magazines, I spent a good deal of time yesterday devouring all the information. I felt like a kid in a lolly shop.

The whole hospital tour experience has left me with a great sense of awe that sometime in August I will be meeting my very own baby and more than anything I felt blessed that I’ve been granted this little miracle.

The Room

The other weekend Ellie was staying here to help me. Well actually it was that I was helping her and she was helping me. I had a mini reunion with some High School friends and Tim had gone Water skiing. Plus I didn’t like the thought of being left pregnant and on my own, weird I know but that is how I felt at the time.

About 2 months ago we saw a great deal on a wooden change table for $140.00, we had been looking around and had not seen one that cheap. We kept it in it’s box for a while, I think that we just couldn’t be bother putting it together.

I often go and sit in ‘The Room’ that will one day be converted into Bobim’s room and just day dream and wonder what it will all be like when she/he finally arrives.

Other than the ‘Chest of dreams’ filled with baby clothes ‘The Room’ felt bear and so Ellie and I decided that we would put the change table together. How hard could it be right?

Hmmmpph after about 2 hours we finally got it right and wheeled it into it’s designated place in ‘The Room’, and filled the shelves with all the nappies and baby towels that I had accumulated over the years. ‘The Room’ started feeling like we were waiting for a Baby to arrive.
There is still much to be done and much to buy but I thought that I would show you what ‘The Room’ looks like today.






We still need to:
* Clean the carpets,
* Remove the single bed
* Wash and paint the walls
* Move the chest of draws into ‘The Room’
* Buy and set up the cot
* Move the Ironing table and Christmas Tree
* Clean out the Closet.

Beep breaths Mari and small steps…you have plenty of time!

Holy shit there is so much to do.

Family stuff

Ellie has been spending a great deal of time with me recently, mostly because she is my personal slave. It is always good to have someone that worships the ground that I walk on. Hehe if she were to read this I would be smacked.

Ellie and Tina are not really getting along at the moment and because I have a fucked sister that cares more about her bullshit work and fucking carrer than she does about her kids, Ellie turns to me.

My house has become her haven, which suits me just fine, I have an extra spare of hands and she doesn’t mind being dragged to baby shops, not like Tim who is a bit bored by them now. “Why look when we are not ready to buy” is his motto, obviously he doesn’t get the whole shopping thing.

My sister while continues to promise her girls “As God is my witness I will never drink again”. Cannot keep away from her good old friend Al (alcohol). My BIL is of no help what so ever, if people come over for a dinner party it is apparently a tradition to offer spirits to the guests when they arrive.

So when you arrive, there on the coffee table are about 5 different spirit bottles present, from vodka to baileys, now I guess that for someone that can’t seem to control their drinking having a wide selection of alcohol readily available…at your finger tips doesn’t help.

It is also apparently a tradition to offer wine with your meal, so when BIL asks what everyone would like to drink, my SIS pipes up on the top of her voice “F am I allowed a glass of wine?”. Being a very private person my BIL doesn’t like people to know that they have problems in the house, so he hides it and gets her one. So she is back to square one. Instead of drinking one glass she goes onto finishing the bottle.

I don’t speak to my sister much when she has been drinking as I just can’t handle the same stupid fucking questions being asked and the verbal bullshit that comes out of her mouth. It is obvious to everyone that sits at these dinner parties that she has a problem and I know that there is nothing that can be done until it is admitted. But how many phones does it take saying “I can’t stop drinking, I’m not happy” (and there have been many) for my sister to realise that this is a big problem.

On Saturday it was Tina’s birthday and she was up to her old tricks and honestly I felt like I was conspiring to murder cause I didn’t say anything. Both Tina and Ellie have to say to their mother, “No more drinks, you have had too much”. Tina just turned 13, when this is said in front of people they are reprimanded after the event for spilling “Family issues infront of people”. The people that are present at these times are that Family, Tim and I and BIL parents, yet BIL continues to sweep things under a rug.

I personally don’t know what to do, I can’t fix things but I no longer want to be apart of the charade. Plus I feel that Ellie and Tina need me, do I continue to turn a blind eye? Do I ask before I go if alcohol is being served and if yes then refuse to go?

People in the PC, what would you do in my shoes?

A new addition

I can’t believe that I haven’t told you all about the new addition to our family. My SIL gave birth to a baby boy on the 10th of Feb. Yes it was that long ago and totally slipped my mind.

I suppose that this blog is more about my TTC and Pregnancy journey, rather than documenting details about my life and family. I wonder if this is so bad a thing?

Baby Damoan was a little early but apparently a big boy, measuring 51cm and weighing 3.5kg. But holding him if felt and looked so very tiny and cute.

It broke my heart seeing Tim hold is new nephew as the look of awe on his face just cut deep and even though we know Bobim is with us, he/she still seems so far away. It was very obvious the he was uncomfortable and uncoordinated and never really held a new born before.

My SIL looked so very happy and relaxed when we saw her in the hospital, it was good to see her like that, I did feel outside my comfort zone and was so very nervous about meeting the little one. She was happy to see us and loved the small gift we bought her.

During the visit I finally found out that little Damoan was an accident and not planned at all, I didn’t have the heart to ask her before hand if they had been trying as the knowledge would’ve cut too deeply.

13w1day

At precisely this time, they hit. I had never really felt so out of control before. Up until now they never really worked for me, I needed drugs to help me ‘mimic’ what they should’ve been doing before my Bobim was conceived and stuck around.

What are they…….fucking hormones.

To those that work with me, here are a few hints and tips to survive this phase of my pregnancy:
1) When I come into work and am not the usual bright ‘Good morning’ person this is a sign to say hello and move on.
2) If I’m sitting at my desk and have ear phones in listening to music it is a sure sign that I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE!
3) If I have warned you that I’m not feeling well, it is code to keep away.
4) Sarcastic comments are under no circumstances welcome.
5) If I’m grumpy, please understand that it is not personal and does not require you to be snooty with me.
6) Oh and if I run off balling my eyes out, it is not a sign to start gossiping about me.
7) Most important of all, do not try and ask me how I am, after an outburst because there is nothing that I can do to control what is happening and no way of knowing how I may react to that question. I could be Bitch queen, or you may have set off a free flowing river that will not stop. But mainly I will feel embarrassed and no one likes to be reminded of an embarrassing situation.

This week at work did not go so well, I’ve never been a sooky lah lah but on Thursday I was and more than anything I’m embarrassed that I balled my eyes out at work over something so not important. Maybe I should email my work mates with the rules above it will save me and them from the rathe that is known as Mari.