A quick update

It is hard to find the time to write blog posts anymore, as I’m enjoying being a Mum to my kids. There are days when it feels like I’m just treading water but then there are other days when it is like a nice walk in the park.

Rylan and Lillian are on the move now, rolling around everywhere. The really only started to move last week and there have been many bumped heads, arms stuck and screaming when they can’t roll back.

They are so cute to watch and it is amazing how quickly they can move off the rug / blanket that I’ve put down.

What I really want to remember are the times when I could be in the kitchen and I hear Rylan screaming shouting and I rush over to see Lilly with a huge grin on her face has she is happily pulling Rylies ears or hair!

Then when it is Lilly’s turn to scream Rylan has rolled on over and is kicking her head or body. People have asked me why I don’t separate them. The funny thing is that they start of at separate ends of the rug and eventually they rollover to each other.

Also love seeing the tug-of-war on toys and sees who wins. There are no tears….yet, but it is still so cute on how they interact with each other.

I know that I’m lucky with how well these two sleep and they really sleep anywhere (even on the beach in a pram whilst on holidays). They are down to two sleeps during the day (sometimes three if they haven’t slept much) and are now both eating very well on solids.

Rylan was a late starter the solids, refused to have anything until just after 6 months old. I started Lilly on solids at 4 months as she started waking through the night for a feed.

My little girl is still small but I like have a petite little one. Some of her clothes are still 000 but she now wears more 00. Last weighing (at six months) she was 6kg and 62cm.

We love love love having a chubby little Buddha (as we call him), you can love him hard, squish him and play a little rough. At 6 months he weighed in at 7.6kg and 68cm, he is now wearing size 0 clothes.

After a little jealousy Jordan really enjoys them, especially Rylie and especially in the car. Most times Lilly is fast asleep and I have two both giggling and laughing at each other. At least it is laughter and not fighting….yet!

We have also finally been able to move Jordy out of nappies and into underwear, except during the sleep time. But nap time and most mornings the nappy is dry. There have been many accidents but mostly it has been a very quick transition.

To be honest though it took a little bit of what I like to call ‘tough love’. Jordan and I had been discussing (read arguing) him wearing undies but he refused to even think about it. I even let him pick out the potty, underwear, read books on potty training…everything that I was told to do. Catch him when he is doing a poo…all that with no success.

Just before bath time every night we would ask if he needed to go to the potty and he happily went with no fuss, so we knew that he could do it. I think that he just had the power and said no…and we gave in…who knows?

There was one morning when I had convinced him to wear his Spiderman underwear and he wore it for half the day, we had 4 accidents. I made no fuss at all, quickly cleaned him up and put on another pair. But after nap time we went out and he refused to change out of the nappy.

I left it for a week, the next Monday I calmly put the nappies away and told him that they were for sleep time and that he was now a big boy and to wear undies…oh the screaming, crying and tantrum, he was crying for the nappy. I stood my ground and gave him two options (this is the tough love part) either undies or naked, I was firm about it as I felt that I needed to be. He didn’t like either, but eventually put on a pair of undies and was distracted by the twins. This who episode of crying took about 30 minutes until he forgot about it all and was laughing at Lilly.

We had more success than accidents and by Thursday that week there were no more accidents. I’m not used to having a toddler in underwear and forget that I need to ask him often if he needs to go to the toilet. Most of the accidents are simply because I forget that he still needs to be reminded.

Most of the time now he simply runs to the potty does his business, empties into the toilet, washes his hands and tells me that he is good boy as he did “Pisi (wee’s) in the potty”.

I had honestly tried every technique that was suggested in the books, magazines and on line. I even went to a potty training seminar run by my local council and was told to be calm and encouraging. It didn’t work for us, I needed to be a little tough and firm with him, perhaps I could be classed as a bad mother or a tough bitch, I don’t know.

Worth it all

If there is anyone that still reads this blog and is going through any type of fertility treatment, either for their first child or additional children. It is worth all the pain, waiting, treatments, Dr appointments, ultrasounds, disappointments, joy and hope.

To see my Jordy playing with Rylan and making him laugh makes my heart almost burst out of my chest with love and fulfillment.

IT is worth it all.

Timeline

In this photo I’m 11 years old (1987) and I’ve ventured to Europe by myself for a holiday with my family in Hungary. If I were to pin point where the perception of myself started to change it was after this trip. You see up until this time my nickname from my sister was “Skinny”…and after this trip my mother weighed me and I had put on 6kg…which I think is natural when you are travelling to another country.

I was no longer “skinny”…as I had put on soooo much weight. I distinctly remember being approached in the school yard by some younger kids and directly being asked if it was true that I had put on “that” much weight.

This next photo is taken shortly after this trip and it is a photo of my confirmation.

What do you see?

I see a little girl just starting to grow up, who looks healthy.

In the photo above I’m the one on the far right. I’m between 11 & 13 years old and it is taken at a Hungarian Scout camp. Throughout this time in my life I was constantly being compared to the two girls on my left, who were (as I was told) much skinnier than me.

Looking at this photo now I can’t see anything wrong with my size, but even at this age I was being told that I needed to loose weight and my personal truth was being rewritten.

I’ve cut out all the other girls from this next photo, but at this stage I’m about 14-15 years old and about a size 10 or 12 and in my mind I see myself as being fat.

I’m about 15-16 years old and performing Hungarian Folk dancing, by this age I had learnt how to put on a front and “perform”. I was happy for the camera’s and on the stage, but what my parents really don’t know is that I hated being on the stage. I felt so exposed, especially as I wasn't as thin as some of the other girls on our group.

This next photo is of my Debutant and I’m 16 years old, to prepare for this event my mother made me attend a gym everyday after school and would only feed me salada biscuits as I needed to loose weight. In this photo I think that I’m fat.

Fast forward to my Engagement party I’m 19 years old. Now if I didn’t cope being told that I needed to loose weight from my parents I was now getting it from my soon to be in-laws. I remember showing my mother in-law what I was planning on wearing to the party and she told me that I should not wear the vest or skirt as it made me look fat.

Can you see what she was saying? I sure can’t…

My wedding day (1996)…oh how I hated having photo’s taken off me. Can you believe that my wedding dress is a size 12? Yes that’s right as size 12…I see a young girl who has a little extra weight on her.

Fast froward 7 years to 2003 and I’m 26 years old and Tim and I are in Hungary on a 3 month vacation. After my wedding I really don’t have a lot of photo’s of myself as I think subconsciously I had made other peoples perception of my a reality and I had become the “fat” person.

This is another 2 years later and I think that this is where I’m the heaviest that I’ve ever been.

The last two photo’s are of me in 2006 and just April this year.

I recently had a candid discussion with a dear friend about my weight, you know the saying “Truth hurts”…well some truth was being said to me at the time that I didn’t want to hear. After I got married I piled on the weight and it was no one else fault but my own.

Sure I can easily blame my PCOS condition and the fact that my mother, father, sister and family all through out my childhood told me I was fat, of that I needed to loose some weight. Sure I can easily direct the blame elsewhere and keep my head in the sand, but I don’t want to do that anymore.

My brother and I saw Dr Phil live on Wednesday and there were some messages that really got to me. He spoke about a lot of things and I haven’t even begun to digest all the topics. The one thing though that really made me want to right this post was about Personal Truth.

If from a young age I was being told that I was fat and I was constantly put onto diets to loose weight, then I think that I became the person that I was told I was. I became that fat person, it didn’t matter if I was nice, kind, care, giving, honest and loving. I was TOLD from 11 years old that I was fat, which I didn’t believe.

So as I say I can blame others for that way I look now, but I won’t, sure my personal truth was rewritten by many different people. But I need to take responsibility for the way I look now (and dear friend you were right). I don’t know what this means for me now because I’ve been labelled as the fat girl for so much of my life.

What I want is to be known for the real person I am and not what I look like.

Lilly 2 Months

Where did March go? And it is nearly the end of April!!!. Here is Lilly’s 2 month check:

Growth check:

At birth Lilly’s statistics were:

Weight = 2.1kg

Length = 45cm

At her 8 week check, the statistics were:

Weight = 3.5kg

Length = 50cm

Tummy-time: We have tried Tummy time with Lilly and does not like it one bit, plus our Osteopath recommended that we not place her on her tummy until her neck is stronger. She still favours one side but is not in any more pain, she will move her head easily so I’m not that concerned. My Mum constantly stresses about her neck but there is nothing more that we can do.

Eyes: Lilly is looking to have the same eye colour as Jordy, at the moment that are still a dark blue and at times almost looks purple in colour.

Focus: Lilly has really great focus on us and will constantly stare at us when feeding, plus I’ve noticed that she will look at me when I’m dealing with Rylie in the other cot (yes we have separated them now as Rylie was waking Lilly up as he was moving around the cot). I was told that she probably heard my voice but my gut feeling is that she can see better than it is expected.

Hearing: Similar to Rylie, Lilly will turn her head to peoples voices.

Smiles: It is hard to get a smile out of Lilly as she prefers to talk, but she has this cute little special smile that she does whilst talking and it involves her scrunching up her nose and squinting her eyes, very cute. It takes tickling her cheek or chin for her to smile.

Speech: When I get the chance after a feed and Lilly is not sleepy then I will often put her on our bed and lie down next to her and she will babble away. I truly love this time with her, she likes to be with people and not left on her own to play on the floor.

Feeding: Lilly still continues to go long stretches at night and the other night she went 12 hours between feeds, but will go anywhere from 8-10 hours. During the day Lilly will go 2-4 hours between feeds and she is such a dream to feed, she sucks the bottle down and will push it away for a burp and is very easy to burp up don’t even need to pat her back, by simply sitting her up gives you the desired result. She is drinking on average 130ml's per feed.

Sleeping: Whilst Lilly is easy to feed she is very hard to settle and needs to be swaddled and put on her side and loud bassy music needs to be playing. A Hungarian band Bon Bon seems to be doing the trick, once she is asleep we turn the music down. Loud bassy music worked for Jordy and for him it was Justin Timberlake that worked.

Crying: Lilly has different cries and you can easily work out what she is wanting.

Rylie 2 Months

Time moves quickly when you are sleep deprived. So here is the 2 month check on Rylie:

Growth check: At birth Rylie’s statistics were:

Weight = 2.6kg

Length = 47cm

At his 8 week check up his statistics are:

Weight = 4.9kg

Length = 57cm

Tummy-time: Since we started Tummy time with Rylie he has loved it, I won’t say that he lasts long but you can easily place him on his tummy and he will happily babble away. I think that it really helps with his ‘wind’ issues.

Eyes: Mum thinks that Rylie will have brown eyes but I don’t think so, they are not blue and are not brown. My gut feeling is that they might be green, taking after my Father in law, but I think that it is too early to tell.

Focus: Rylie will watch TV if I place him in front of it and will follow us around the room. He loves Jordy and will often follow his voice around the room. Unfortunatley is cot is near the window and he will easily get distracted by the afternoon sun that creeps past the curtains and often you will find him still awake babbling to the sun.Hearing: Rylie knows all our voices and has a special glint in his eyes when he hears Jordy’s voice. if someone is holding him and I say something then he will turn his head towards me. He also recognises Tim’s voice.

Smiles: He may not talk that much but Rylie really likes to smile and will smile for anyone. His tongue is usually hanging out when he smiles, so very cute and his whole face just lights up. Most of the time he is very serious and forwns quite a lot so we try to encourage his smiling.Speech: Not a big talker as Rylie prefers to cry to communicate with us, but he has started making those cute little baby noises and has been grunting since birth.

Feeding: Once we stopped comparing Rylie to Lilly we became more aware of his feeding needs, plus I started recording, when both babies feed, how long they slept and how their naps and feeds were. So we discovered that Rylie is drinking on average 160ml’s per feed (sometimes he will leave a little and others he needs to be toped up) and during the day he goes 3-4 hours between feeds and at night he has been going 6-8 hours.

During his feeds he squirms and complains quite a lot, which we have learnt that he is trying to tells he either needs a break or a burp.

Sleeping: Rylie will easliy settle with a dummy and we have learnt to swaddle him tightly at night, during the day if the dummy has not helped then we again swaddle him and he falls asleep. He is much eaiser to settle than Lilly but Rylie is a little difficult to feed.

Crying: We have a squealer on our hands and we have nick named his cry the banchee scream, at night is can make your ears ring. Personally I think that it is a cute cry and very much his own.

I tried

The car was packed and the babies dressed and I set off to go first to the Osteopath and then off to my local shopping centre to run some errands.

After the Osteopath visit which was filled with screaming babies and feeding in between manipulations, I decided to come home and on the way home both babies fell asleep, until the car stopped and Rylie woke up.

So I partially went out with the twins today, I made it to the Osteopath by myself but didn’t get to do everything that I had planned. I will try again tomorrow, as I’m still determined to get out of this house with the twins. I need to!

Both are now complaining about being disturbed from the sleep, I wonder how long it will take to settle these two now!

Look at my cute little girl in the photo below, the jeans she is wearing is a size 0000 which are still so big on her.

Was it that simple?

I'm still bending over with laughter…I must have been deluding myself to think that I finally had “Figured out” what is “wrong” with this kids. Instead I’m going to stop worrying about it and just go with the flow, we have had some good nights that gives us a hint as to what it maybe like in the future. 9pm, 1am and then 6am feeds, pretty good. But then the next night was hellish.

What I have to realise is that there is nothing to “figure out” and nothing to “fix” as there is nothing “wrong” with these kids, other than the refulx of course but we just have to wait until the Zantac kicks in. Some of the feeds are improving and are nice and calm but others are full of arching backed screaming babies.

Instead I would like to share their statistics:

Rylie at last weeks visit to the Maternal and Child Health nurse:
Weight = 4.175 kg
Length = 52 cm

Lilly:
Weight = 3.115kg
Length = 49.5 cm

So no matter what kind of day, evening or night we have, it seems that we are doing something very right as they are gaining weight, which in the end is the most important thing at present. Especially our chubby cheeked little boy, he has surpassed Jordy at this age (3.68kg) although Jordy was 1cm longer.

Clothes wise Rylie has left behind the size 5 and 4 zero’s, there are still a few 4 zero items that can wear comfortably but not for too long! As for Lilly she no longer fits into the premie or 6 zero clothes and some of the 5 zeros clothes are getting too small. When she is in the 4 zero’s though most of them are so very big on her poor little girl.

I’m glad that I have babies in different sizes as it means that the unisex colours will be put to great use as they will be used on both kids.

I’ve started a number of boxes for their clothes, one to return to kind friends that lent me stuff. One for my SIL who is expecting a little girl in June and one for my friend who is due in September and then one for charity.

Feeds - Rylie

2 hours after his feed this morning, still wide awake.

Finally asleep whilst his little sister is screaming in the cot right next to him.

Continues to sleep whilst I'm feeding Lilly, not bad considering it did take us 2 hours to get him in this state!

Then there are feeds where Rylie is still awake and I put him down to quickly get a top up bottle ready and put Jordy down for his nap and when I return all of 2 minutes later I find this:

Lucky this photo does not capture the smell as yet again my little boy has fallen asleep after he has soiled his nappy and wouldn't care if he is left in this state until his next feed, I did change him.

Feeds - Lilly

This photo was taken 2 hours after her feed this morning and she is still awake.

10 minutes after the above photo we have a screaming Lilly:

Tummy time for a still screaming Lilly, after a big burp then it is yet another top up:

Result of a top up, time it took to settle Lilly this round 2.5 hours.

Being afraid

It is nearly 9pm and I’m terrified as to what the night will entail. The past few nights have been hell, but I suppose it could’ve been a lot worse.

To start with on Sunday night it took us almost 3 hours to settle Rylie to sleep. Non stop crying and constant snacking, then it was Lilly’s turn. We decided to leave them in their own room as we thought that the movement from their bedroom to ours could be causing them to be unsettled (hey were are grasping at anything we can think of).

After they were finally asleep the first feed was ok and worked well, first Rylie and then Lilly but both fell straight back to sleep with out much fuss. Then the 2am feed, where Rylie started crying as he was drinking his bottle, he would take a few gulps and then scream the house down. Tim was feeding Rylie at this stage, as I was feeding Lilly.

It took us another 3 hours of rocking, patting, feeding, and controlled crying, burping for Rylie to finally fall asleep. Tim took today off from work and Jordy went to my In laws for the day so that we could try to sleep (notice the word TRY). But 1:30pm we were both so stressed that I decided to go with my gut and see our GP, as this constant snacking, screaming, crying and arching of his back could not be “NORMAL” baby behavior.

Reflux is what she diagnosed and now Rylie is taking Infant Gavascon and I’m going back on Friday for another check up. To this point Rylie has been the most unsettled, hours on end with the crying. Lilly started now and it has just taken us 4 hours to settle her, poor little girl has worked herself up so much that her eyes are puffy.

So now I’m in bed and instead of going to sleep I’m sitting here blogging as I’m totally terrified as to how the night will go. I don’t want to go to sleep as I don’t see the point, if it is going to take me hours on end to settle these kids to sleep then I may as well just stay up and wait for them to wake up.

The above was written last night and again now I’m sitting in bed with both babies sleeping next to me, Jordy is in child care and I don’t think that I will be venturing too far from this room today.

How was our night well as I expected, at one stage it took Rylie 2 hours (from the start of a feed to when he finally fell asleep) to settle and he ended up sleep on me and it then took Lilly the same time to settle and she ended up sleeping next to me in the bed, as I was patting her to sleep and trying to comfort her.

Picture this: it is 2am Rylie is fast asleep in the cot and Lilly is being burped by Tim and is screaming at the top of her lungs and we are discussing how we are feeling and trying to work out what to do and what could possibly be causing them to be upset. We initially think that Lilly is also suffering from Refulx and I was about to put Gavascon into her bottle when I look over at the counter and see the Formula tin. We are using NAN 1HA Gold and the packaging has changed, I run back into the bedroom saying “Could it be the formula?”

So I go out to the Bin to retrieve the other Tin which has the old packaging and sure enough the contents are slightly different and there are new ingredients included.

I called Nestle this morning and they have confirmed that the ingredients are slightly different, the protein is different and has been processed more to mimic breast milk and some of the ingredients are now sourced from another supplier. Also the new packaged version has Omega 3 and 6 included and other things. I complained to the lady over the phone saying that there should’ve been some warning on the tin to say that it has changed, but I was informed that because the change was slightly different they were not legally obligated to mention the difference.

Can you imagine how pissed off I am, I’m now on a mission to inform as many as I can that there is a difference, because I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve just had to endure. Worst of all I feel so guilty and upset that these poor babies.

1 Month Old

Happy First Month birthday Rylie and Lilly, what a month it has been!

It has been tough but all it takes is for me to look into your eyes and it all disappears.

You have both grown so much, but more so in our hearts.

Sleeping babies

It was suggested to me that the babies might sleep better if they were able to touch each other. We thought that perhaps they would wake each other, but it is not the case. We have often found them huddled close together and they are constantly touching each other, so very cute.

A Happier post

An update on the kids is long over due, I don’t want to dwell on negative things that are happening and would like to think of all the good that is surrounding me.

Lilly

Our tiny little girl is very quiet, content and petit, when she is hungry or has a soiled nappy you will hear all about it. Lilly is much easier to burp and settle, she only really cries for a feed and a nappy change. Wind was an issue but (knock on wood) I think that we have that under control.

At her 2 weeks assessment which was done when she was 3.5 weeks old, Lilly has grown 2cm and is now 47cm in length. She gained 330g (0.72lb) in a week and is now weighing in at 2.650kg (5.84lb). I was so very relieved and happy about her weight as it means that no matter how stressful things have been we are at least doing something right.

The maternal child health nurse mentioned that Lilly is very alert and is progressing along well. She is drinking about 110ml’s per bottle is will go anywhere from 3 to 5 hours between feeds.

Lillys head still needs to be supported and she gets a little tummy time each day but doesn’t really last that long. She is still doing the Sleep, wake, nappy change, eat, burp and back to sleep routine, not really awake after a feed as much as Rylie (unless she is concentrating on her bowel movements).

Vocally Lilly makes lots of whimpering noises and content baby noises. When she is getting hungry she sounds like a little piglet when she is sucking on her hand, Very cute!


Rylie

Our little sensitive boy has really bulked right up, his cheeks are nice and round and there are rolls appearing on his legs. In a week Rylie put on 660g (1.45lb) and is now weighing in at 3.38kg (7.45lb), he has also had a really nice growth spurt and is measuring 50.5 cm in length.

He is a demanding baby that requires more attention, but what I’ve noticed is that if it is time for Lillys feed and she is fussing he will settle much quicker with a dummy to allow me to attend to her.

The maternal child health nurse mentioned that Rylie was acting more like a 6 week old baby than a 3.5 weeks old baby. He was more alert and was smiling happily at her, we have about an hour and a half wake time each day after a feed, in which he will happily sit in the bouncy chair and let Jordy show him all his toys.

Rylie has really great head control and loves tummy time which I try to encourage a few times during the day when I can.

Our little boy grunts a lot it sounds like he is straining to do a poo, when really I think that he sounds like a content little man with a full belly. I’m surprised that Lilly can sleep through all that noise, at the moment all I can hear coming from their room is Rylie grunting away, very funny. Tim is surprised that I can sleep through all his noise, I think that I’ve mentally programmed myself to only wake when either one of them cries . Grunting and making baby noises does not require my attention. Although during the day I will check up to see if they are asleep.

When he is eating will makes a lot of content baby noises. Rylie has also cooed at me and started mimicking facial expressions.

Jordy

Tonight Jordy and I are starting swimming lessons, which I’m really looking forward to. Tim and I have made extra effort to take Jordy with us when we go out of the house to buy things or run errands. I’ve tried to make it clear to him that only Mummy and Jordy are going swimming not Rylie Lilly, but have no clue if he gets it.

Not as many tantrums as I expected but Jordy is still trying to push the boundaries. The other day we were in the babies room and he pulled down all their books and was happily reading to himself on the floor whilst I was feeding Lilly. When Lilly had finished and I was settling her to sleep I asked Jordy to pick up the books, he started to but as soon as my back was turned he ran away to the other end of the house. After putting Lilly in the cot I raced after him and dragged him back and made him pick up the books.

There are some signs of jealousy which is too be expected, he especially acts up when I’m feeding of the babies. But I’ve noticed that if I allow him to cuddle them before the feed then Jordy is ok with me holding them and feeding them.

Jordy has shown that he can be very protective of his brother and sister. My Mum and I finally took that babies to Child Care to show them off and I let one of his carers hold Lilly (she is also a Lilly). Jordy was totally shocked that someone else was holding Lilly, he went straight up to the carer and told her “Give back to Mummy, that’s mine”. When my Mum was showing off Rylie she was surrounded by Jordy’s friends, who were asking Mum all these questions. Jordy was very anxious trying to get to Mum and protect his brother but could not get through the crowd.

Jordy gives both babies lots of kisses and hugs, he has not shown any aggression towards the babies, other than stating what is his. “That’s Jordys drink, not Rylie Lillys”; and “That’s Jordys spot, not Rylie Lillys.”

Quick update

The nights feeds are going well for me, last night I was up only twice 11:30pm till 12:30am and then again at 3:30am till 4:30am. Not too bad, Tim slept in the study until the 3:30am feed when he heard me in the kitchen and decided to come back to our room.

He has been doing the early morning feeds if they are after 3:30am, which he seems to be handling much better, even though is he working on top of all that.

Tim came home from work yesterday much like his old self even though he helped and fed the babies in the early morning. But Tim has mentioned that he really can’t sleep from all of Rylies grunting noises, which don’t seem to bother me.

Am I still worried about leaving the kids? No I’m not, I do trust my husband and I can tell by the way he speaks to me if he has had enough sleep to be the ‘normal’ Tim.

Cracks in the works

I need to write about this weekend and there are some confronting things that I will be talking about and all I ask is that people who know us in real life to respect this post as a means of me being able to let things go. I most likely can not talk about what has happened with you as Tim would be devastated that I’m talking about something so painful and personal.

Finally…finally Tim admitted that he has issues with Rylie he even admitted that he hates his child. I knew that this was how he was feeling and I could also see that he was being very aggressive with him.

It took me sitting down with him and literally nagging him to finally admit that he has violent thoughts about harming Rylie. I don’t know why it is only Rylie that he has an issue with because Lilly acts the same way, the only difference is that Rylie screams louder.

As his wife I knew that he was feeling like this as I could see his over reaction to Rylie, but I also knew that in order for us to move on he needed to admit out aloud how he was feeling.

It was confront for both of us to hear how he was feeling and I needed Tim to know that when he is like this I’m scared to leave any of the kids in his care, because he just over reacts, even with Jordan. Tim also admitted that at this age he did not like Jordan either and even though he knows that this time will pass it is too hard for him to deal with.

After lots of screaming, arguing, nagging and crying, I finally decided that Tim is not to help me with the night feeds at all. Even though he feels guilty and feels the need to help as “It is unfair on me”. I don’t care how unfair it is as I need my husband back and not this feral man who is sleep deprived and can’t deal with anything.

The only condition was that Tim needs to allow me to sleep in on the weekends and keep Jordy away from the bedroom.

So Saturday night Tim slept in the study while I did all the night feeds and I was up about 5 times altogether. For me it was a great night, I was more relaxed and I got to deal with the kids they way I wanted to. I slept in until about 8:30am and woke up to a screaming household, but surprisingly Tim was handling this really well.

Sunday was a really nice day, it was relaxed and the babies were more settled, I think it has something to do with the Braur Colic Relief and also because we were both relaxed. I asked Tim Sunday morning how he was feeling towards Rylie and he said that he didn’t hate him anymore and felt more relaxed.

My mother and father, Tim’s parents and sister have all told me that he just needs to get over how he is feeling and support me and help with the feeds. But for our household and our marriage the support I need from my husband is for him NOT to be sleep deprived and for him to be himself, happy and relaxed.

When Tim is relaxed and has had enough sleep then the babies respond to him much better. He can settle Rylie much quicker than I can and he will not snap at Jordy as much.

I just need to be very strong and not allow my husband back into our marital bed until the babies are sleeping better through the night.

Surprisingly last night they only had one night time 1 am and 1:30 am and Rylie went four hours and Lilly went five hours between feeds.

Tim will admit to people that he hates the new born period (I mean who really likes it?) but it is very difficult for him to admit his violent thoughts towards he own child and he refuses to seek help from professionals and will not go to a group. He wants to deal with things on his own.

How am I coping?

Sleep deprivation is tough but there is a reason and the crying really doesn’t faze me. I know that they cry for a reason, trying to find out what that reason is can be tricky but I also know that things will get better and I can already see both babies attempting to go longer between feeds.

Plus it also helps to know that 3 days out of the week Jordy is in child care and I can sleep when they do if I need to.

I really don’t think that the babies are bad or that unsettled, sure they have wind, but once they have been burped or feed then they can go to sleep on their own. Sure you may need to resettle and put a dummy in and pat them or cuddle but they do settle quit quickly when you’ve worked out what is causing the distress. I know that it could be ten times worse, they both could be screaming for hours on end and I could not have any time to myself or any relief.

But here I am blogging with all three kids sound asleep and I know that Jordy will be sleeping for another hour and the babies have been sleeping soundly since 10 am.

We knew that our relationship would be tested newborns just do that, but I never thought that I would contemplate leaving my husband and being worried to leave our kids in his care. He didn’t handle the newborn period with Jordy very well and he was not this bad.

I truly believe that THIS TIME WILL PASS and we will be much better for getting through this time.