Regret

Before I start this post properly I wanted to share the relative good news today is CD3 and the last cycle lasted 36 days.  So  it is a definate improvement, I don’t like the thought of blaming my period on this past week because I feel as though that is a poor excuse. I do wonder if it has had an impact on my mood and ability to deal with situations.

This first week of 2012 for me has been not the best, not a really good start to the year!

I am ashamed, regretful and filled with so much remorse that my heart is sitting very heavy in my chest.

I reacted very poorly to a situation, I can’t go into the full details here because it is very personal but I will try to explain; a close friend asked something off me and instead of listening to their side of the story and hearing what this person was actually asking.

I only listened to the words that I wanted to hear and took them straight to my heart.  I gave the power of my heart to this person and spent the whole week miserable. The pain was unbearable and I was in a silent hell.  I couldn’t concentrate, I slept but fitfully, my appetite was gone and I was just not my normal happy self.

Yesterday morning I wrote a blog post (which I posted but later took down as it was evil and unkind) on the way to work and cried all the way on the train.  When I arrived at work the pain and hurt must have shown on my face as people that I’ve only recently met were asking if I was ok.

This was all because I did not take the time to listen and allowed myself to be hurt.

I lashed out at my best friend and said some very hurtful words. For this I am so ashamed and filled with remorse.  This person has always accepted me for who I am and never tried to change me.  There was never anything other than encouragement and a positive influence. I made a promise to my best friend that I would never hurt them like they had been hurt before.

This is exactly what I did last night, I didn’t think anything through properly and I sent a message that I am so ashamed off.  It was so vile and bad that my BFF just wanted to pack up and leave the country. I never ever thought I had it in myself to consciously hurt someone I care for as deeply as I did my BFF yesterday.

I don’t know how I am going to look at them anymore and face them the next time I see my BFF, who has kindly accepted my apology.

Perhaps my reaction this week is related to the hormonal upheaval that is going on inside me, it would be great to use that as an excuse but I really don’t truly believe that I am that weak that I can’t handle a little hormonal change.

I know that I will need to forgive myself eventually, but for me the hardest part will be moving on from the remorse, regret and guilt that I am feeling.

 If my BFF reads this post, please know that I am truly, deeply sorry for my words.  If there was a way to take them back I would, if there was a way to turn back time and never press the “send” button I would. My heart is broken with knowledge of just how much I hurt you.  Your friendship means the world to me.